Aftershock

Sixty-six

‘ They’re taking a while,’ said Andy to Alex, as they stood at the foot of the garden looking out across the Firth of Forth. ‘How long does it take to load a dishwasher?’

‘They may be doing them by hand,’ she replied. ‘Or Aileen may have opened one of her blue boxes and Dad’s helping her. Or they may be having sex. . less likely during a lunch party, I’ll grant you, but us youngsters often underestimate the middle-aged libido. If you want my best guess, though, they’ve made themselves scarce so that I can ask you how you’re getting on.’

He smiled. ‘In that case, I’m fine, thanks. You know Karen’s pregnant again?’

‘No, Pops never said. You’re good at that, eh?’

‘Nice one, Alex. I fed you that one, didn’t I?’

She winced. ‘Sorry, that just slipped out. I wasn’t chucking harpoons, honest. I am very happy for you and Karen. Your wee girl’s lovely too. My dad sent me a picture in an email. I’m really pleased it’s all come together for you.’

‘So pleased you’ve never spoken to me since the day we split up?’

‘What was there to say? Each one of us would have been expecting the word “sorry” to come up, but you wouldn’t have heard it from me.’

‘I might have said it, though.’

‘But would you have meant it?’

‘Yes,’ he said, ‘for expecting too much of you. I should have seen that we were rushing things.’

‘We weren’t rushing things, Andy. You were. I was happy to be just you and me, but you wanted the whole deal right away, wife and two point four kids.’

‘But you did get pregnant.’

‘Yes, silly me.’

‘Don’t be flip about it, Alex.’

‘I’m not. Do you know what hurt me the most back then? When I told you about it, that I’d had an abortion. . a word I couldn’t even say for a while afterwards. . you went berserk. For a split second I actually thought you were going to kill me. You didn’t say anything rational. You called me a murderer and said you could never forgive me.’

‘Yes,’ he began, ‘but. .’

‘But nothing, Andy. That’s what happened. Now ask yourself this. You know how I feel about my kid brother. I love him in a way I’d never imagined I could since the day he was born. How easy do you think it was for me to decide to terminate my pregnancy when all the time I was thinking about him? I hated myself for it. It’s the most selfish thing I’ve ever done in my life, but I saw it as essential, not just for me, for us. And the worst of it is that every single day since it happened, I’ve regretted it,’ she prodded herself hard with her index finger, between her breasts, ‘right in here.’

She turned to face him, and he saw hot tears in her eyes. ‘You couldn’t forgive me?’ she said. ‘Well, fuck you, Andy. I had my own wee Jazz growing in me, and I was wicked enough to have him killed. The forgiveness I need, I’ll never have: and it’s not yours, sunshine, it’s my own, and most of all it’s his.’

There was a gate in the garden wall, a few feet in front of them. Alex dashed towards it, opened it and ran off down the grassy hill towards the sea.

Andy stood his ground, wanting to go after her, but fearing the consequences if he did. He watched her as she moved through the busy car park, and as she disappeared down the path that led to the sea.

‘Hi,’ said a heavy voice behind him.

‘That, Bob,’ he replied, without turning, ‘was not one of your brightest ideas.’