Alexandria

XI

For a moment it went wrong. There were two mortuary assistants; Aulus subsequently named them Itchy and Snuffly – a dark, pudding-faced, slow-moving dreamer and an even darker, thin-featured, jumpy fellow. While Petosiris stood trapped, once they got over their surprise they reacted. Itchy stopped scratching and squealed with hysteria. It was annoying but harmless. Snuffly was the trier. He leapt on me, knocked me over and sat astride my chest. A gleeful leer said he was going to demonstrate how they removed dead men's brains with their nose-hook.

While he waved this extractor, he foolishly left my arms free. I parried the hook as it threatened my nostrils, then punched him in the throat. These fellows were used to passive customers. He was taken aback. I bucked violently, forced him aside, struggled upright and when he refused to surrender, I hit him harder. Snuffly went out like a pinched wick. I laid him on the bier beside the body of the man Aulus had called a cucumber-seller, leaving him to recover in his own time.

Itchy was wondering feebly whether he too should be an action man. I pointed to him, pointed to his unconscious colleague and shook my head slowly. This proved to be international sign language.

Wincing, I examined the nose-hook.

'Nasty!' remarked Aulus to me. 'How much not to tell my sister you were nearly mummified?'

We both then tackled Petosiris. It was short; we were irritated and brutal. After pretending he had no idea he had shown us the wrong corpse, he admitted that Theon's body was expected here later, but had yet to be brought to him.

'Why did you need to lie about it?'

'I don't know, sir.'

'Somebody told you to?'

'I can't say, sir.'

I asked where Theon really was. As far as Petosiris knew, still at the Museion.

'Why would that be?'

Petosiris reluctantly admitted why, and then we understood the reason people had wanted him to try to bamboozle us: 'They are conducting a ''See for yourself''.'

Aulus scoffed. 'An autopsy? I don't think so, man!' He became the self-righteous legal scholar: 'Under Roman Law. the medical dissection of human remains is illegal.'

'Well, this is Egypt!' countered Petosiris proudly.