Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine. Vol. 44, No. 6, June 1999

Guest Editorial by Joe Michael Feist

The following photograph and story, from the January 31, 1999, edition of the Bryan-College Station (Texas) Eagle, was sent us by J. F. Peirce, a frequent Mysterious Photograph winner and runner-up. Joe Michael Feist, is the Eagle’s managing editor. — Ed.

I just love a good mystery. Like what’s in Spam, and would you eat it if you knew. Or why it’s illegal not to wear a seat belt, but it’s OK for women to apply mascara at 70 mph.

But boy, there’s a much better puzzler going on right now in the Bryan-College Station area. Seen those billboards all over town? You know, the ones out on F.M. 2818 and on Texas Avenue, with a big red lipstick smooch and the words “Your Wife Knows.”

Ever wonder about those signs? You’re not the only one, believe me.

Now the best thing about being a journalist for me — and this is a dirty little secret — is that I get to stick my nose where it don’t belong. (English teachers: I know that should read “where it doesn’t belong,” but it sounds better to my ear to say “where it don’t belong.” Save your stamps, please, unless you’re praising.)

So, the other day when I was trying to avoid real work, I decided to look into those smooch signs. I thought it might be the opening act in a teaser campaign, or the work of some church with a moral message. Or it might be saying that your wife knows you love her or something like that. Could be something nice. Or maybe not.

Anyway, called Ed Staples, the general manager of Advantage Outdoors, and asked for the scoop. He was a bit hesitant at first but, under my relentless questioning, honed by many years of being nosy, he relented. To a point.

The signs, which went up in early December, are not teasers and weren’t bought by any church, Staples said. The real story is a whole lot juicier. And baffling.

“Evidently, some ladies around town know that something is going on,” Staples said. Something? Well, you know, that kind of something.

Staples doesn’t know any specifics, or won’t reveal any, but said that four women have paid for the signs. And being relatively new in town, he knows the four, who obviously don’t want their names known, “by signature only.”

The signs, according to Staples, have caused quite a ruckus among the married, male population.

“It’s a wide open playing field,” Staples said. “That’s the problem. It could be anybody. Somebody may have gone to a club and danced with somebody and got a little out of line and somebody found out about it. Or something else.”

He said he gets as many as a dozen phone calls a day from married men who always ask the same questions: The wife knows WHAT, exactly? and Who put those signs up?

“Right after the weekend is when we get the most calls,” Staples said, inviting me to put two and two together.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” he said, “and I’ve been in the business 14 years. It’s a funny little situation, but it’s probably not so funny if we all knew the truth.”

Staples said he called a couple of florists around town and was told that business is up considerably over this time last year. He sees a connection, and I see his point.

Any husband who drives by that billboard and feels the least bit guilty about anything will be drawn to a flower shop like a june bug to a bug zapper.

One thing is for sure, Staples added: The four women are serious about getting their message across.

“Those boards aren’t cheap,” he said. “We’re talking about $2,200 a month, plus paper. They’ll have about $7,000 invested before it’s all over.”

The signs are scheduled to come down in the next 30 to 45 days, but I’m hoping the mystery somehow continues. This sure beats working.