All Gone

A LACK OF SPACE

They never let me out in the sun anymore. I don’t know why. My lawyer and I have never gotten a clear ruling on that. But when night comes and it’s dark, I’m allowed a ten-minute rest period outside. There I see the other suns — the stars. I learned that from some library books here and the newspaper articles I’ve been reading regarding this country’s space effort. The other stars are supposed to be suns, like ours, though in varying degrees of intensity depending on how big they are and how long they’ve been around. And every one of the other suns is capable of having its own solar system and our sun is only one of about one hundred billion in our galaxy and there are about five thousand galaxies in our cluster of galaxies and we’re all revolving together because we’re all held together by the force of gravitational pull each galaxy in our cluster exerts on the other, despite the fact that the closest galaxy to ours is two million light-years away from us and each light-year is approximately six trillion miles in length, and actually all of us — Earth, solar system, galaxy and cluster of galaxies — may be part of an even larger system called a cluster of clusters of galaxies, though because of limitations in astronomical equipment scientists haven’t discovered it yet. Meaning: no matter how big we think the universe is, it’s probably even bigger than that. Meaning: no matter how many billions of trillions of light-years of space we know about or can imagine going in every which direction starting from Earth, there’s probably trillions of trillions of times more space than that. So why do these prison officials have to be so petty as to deny me a relatively small sun to look at and which they know is what I like to look at and do almost most, and particularly in its setting state? And why only the night for ten minutes to see those other suns? Because I’m a condemned man, they probably reason, and they got to deny me more than the usual prison freedoms they deny the other men on death row, since I once committed that most heinous crime of all of making hay with a girl who was a minor and when she was through with me and tying her hair in back with a ribbon she said “God, if you’re not the worst lay in all these creations, then I don’t know who is,” and kept on repeating that opinion in various ways till I said lay off and she wouldn’t so I insulted her a bit and she said “Goddamn you, fag, you can’t go insulting me like that,” and still nude she grabbed a branch and came at me as if she was going to cream me with it, so I slapped it out of her hand and shoved her with my palm just to protect myself from the rock she was picking up and she fell back over her own foot and banged her head against the top of a tree stump and rolled off it onto some stones just as I leaped forward to stop her from rolling and falling, and knocked herself out and died. I knew I was in trouble and there was nothing I could do for her now, so I beat it out of there and someone found her soon after and the police came and the doctors at the hospital said she had been viciously attacked and carnally assaulted and some people in town said she was last seen riding off with me on the back of my motorcycle and I was picked up and charged with rape, murder and running away from the scene of a crime. I was jailed and written up in newspapers as a young mad killer and charged with the rape-murders of three other girls in the area, though those charges didn’t stand up, and brought to trial for the rape-murder of one Jenny Lou House and convicted and sentenced to die by hanging. For three years now I’ve had a stay of execution, since the state I was tried in has a law saying the crime I was convicted of carries a mandatory death penalty, and my lawyer who’s against capital punishment on any grounds except treason and for someone who kills a federal employee who’s on duty, even a postman, contends that that state law is unconstitutional. It’s taken him the three years to get my case to the nation’s highest court and in all that time I’ve never once seen the sun. And when I am allowed out in the high-walled six-by-six-foot space for my ten-minute rest period, I’m always accompanied by two guards with guns — as if I could ever escape to any other place but my adjoining locked cell — and the space is always brightly lit as a main city square might be, making it impossible some nights to see the stars.

I wish I had another chance. If I did I would never shove another girl, or at least not till I first married her. I think a married man has less chance of being sentenced to death for killing his wife rather than a girl he recently met, even if he confesses to the charge, which I didn’t since the girl I supposedly raped and murdered was actually the one who seduced and nearly murdered me. I met her in this doughnut place she was countergirling at and it wasn’t a minute after I settled on the stool that she said “That your bike?” meaning my motorcycle in the lot, and I said yes and she said “When do you get off work?” and I told her I’m not working now, only riding, and she said “That was intended as a play on words, young man, as what I meant is when do you want to take me for a ride around this dinky town and maybe even out of it?” and I said I really don’t like putting girls on my back who aren’t at least twenty-one and who also know how to sway with the rider, meaning leaning right when I go right and so on, and she said “I’m twenty-one except I look older from working in this nut house and living in another, and I’ve been on the backs of more riders than we have doughnuts in this shop, and besides I once owned a bike myself and if I still had it I could outride you from here to the Coast by a day and a half.” “Bull,” I said. “Buy me a bike and I’ll prove it,” she said. “Ha,” I said. “Want a free cof and French jelly?” she said. “You’re something,” I said. “And you’re something for saying I’m something, and also for having such a big beautiful bike. Now what time did you say you got off work?” “Seven?” I said. “That’s about the time I lay off also,” and she told me to meet her at the corner across the street, not here in front. “This is a small town with big mouths and I don’t want my folks knowing I’m going with riders again. And here — no one’s looking,” and she slipped me a bag filled with French jellies and two containers of chocolate fizz.

That night I met her at the corner. She ran her hand over the chromium fenders and carb pipes and said “Wow, this is really one striking gorgeous creature you’re keeping,” and was all set to straddle the back when a man walked past. She turned on me winking and said “Excuse me, mister, but I don’t talk to strange customers no matter how big a tip they leave or promise next time — oh, hello, Mr. Denham.” “Hello, Jenny Lou,” the man said, “anything wrong?” “Nothing I can’t handle thanks very much, and give my best regards to Mrs. Denham and Beverly.” “I’ll convey them that,” he said, still eyeing me suspiciously as he walked away. He was a friend of her folks, according to the newspapers, and one of the last persons to see Miss House alive. He later identified me in court as “That’s right, the one with the snarl,” when at that moment of identification I was despondent near to tears, and gave evidence how he heard me annoying Jenny Lou on the street and tried to warn her about me but she said she knew perfectly well how to handle the situation. “Well apparently she didn’t,” Mr. Denham said, “or else this young man was crafty enough to handle the situation a lot more perfectly than she.” The judge told the clerk to strike Mr. Denham’s last remark from the record and for the jury to disregard it when they make a final decision. But I could see from their faces they wouldn’t. They all had me hung from the start.

“Are you going to exchange how-do-you-dos with distrusting townsmen,” I said, “or are you coming riding with me?” “I’m going to do better than that,” Jenny said. “I’m going to ride out with you some quiet place and hump you there till you’re black and blue all over and then I’m going to leave you for dead when all you’ll be is dead tired from my humping and steal your bike and ride it to the Coast and put it on a boat for the Orient and ride it across that continent and maybe even via China if she’ll have me and then across the Mideast and Africa and Europe and back on a boat and then ride it halfway across the country to home again. I expect that whole trip to take me a couple of years, wouldn’t you think?” “You scare me,” I said. “You got these wild nutty ideas which I even think you want to carry out some. I don’t believe you’re not jailbait anymore. Let me see your driver’s license.” “I don’t have one,” she said, “because I once got busted and put away for riding a bike into a crowd when I was seventeen and the police took away both my license and bike. Two people got killed, that’s why.” “Then some form of identification,” I said, but all she’d brought with her was a five-dollar bill, just in case I left her stranded and she had to get a ride home. “What year were you born — quickly now: what year?” and she gave the date for someone born twenty-one years ago. I knew too well about getting girls any younger on my back. Besides the possible trouble with police over curfews and such, these girls had tendencies to scream bloody murder if they suddenly got cross with you and sometimes for no better reason than your not wanting to go a hundred-fifty miles an hour in a thirty-mile-an-hour zone. The younger they are beginning with the day after their sweet-sixteen party, the faster they want to ride. And I later learned from my lawyer that Jenny had only two months before I met her turned sixteen. She probably mastered my age test because she had failed the same test with some other rider who had put it to her. If I ever get out of here I would think of a totally new test which for all I knew only I had the answer to. And after I used it on the first girl I didn’t think was twenty-one, I’d think up another new test for the next girl I didn’t think was twenty-one — always a new test so it could never get circulated and known.

“Hop on, Miss Twenty-one,” I said, and she got on behind me, squeezed into me tighter than she had to to hold on. Nipped my ear with her teeth after we took a sharp corner and hugged my chest as we rode till I could hardly take in air. “I saw him force her on his motorcycle,” her boss, Mr. Hill, said at my trial. “He was having rape and murder on his mind even then,” Mrs. Hill told the jury. “Strike that out, clerk,” the judge said. “Jury will disregard witness’s last remark. Witness will be encouraged not to offer opinions of what went on in the defendant’s mind, but to restrict her answers only to what she observed the last time she saw defendant and the deceased.” “But that is what I observed,” Mrs. Hill said. “I remember telling my husband Mr. Hill as I looked at those two from my shop—’Paul,’ I said, ‘that young man has rape and murder on his mind if I ever saw one.’” My lawyer objected. The jury was instructed and the witness reproached. “I’m sorry,” Mrs. Hill said, “I wasn’t thinking just now. But I suppose you can’t help me for having bad feelings toward that man, since Jenny Lou was such a nice pretty girl and the most dependable worker we ever had. Murderer,” she yelled, and the judge banged his gravel till I thought it would split. “Rapist. Riffraff. Beggar. Scum.”

I asked Jenny if she could take me to the most beautiful spot in the area and she said “There’s a nice site by the river only twelve miles from here, but that’s too close.” “That’s distance enough for me,” I said. “I’ve ridden four hundred miles today and I’m nearly done in.” “Well I want to ride more than that,” she said, “and there’s another site sixty miles up along the same river that’s just as pretty. Let’s drive there,” and “Please?” and “Oh come on, just this once,” so I gave in and we got on the bike again and it was during this ride I really began thinking she was under twenty-one because all she wanted to do was go faster, faster. When I was doing sixty she wanted eighty and when I was doing eighty she said get it up to a hundred and when I reached a hundred she said one-ten, that’s all, just one-ten and she won’t ask for no more, but I pretended not to hear and even slowed down to ninety. I was getting worried she would fall off in all her excitement with the ride, and also of the police. You never knew for sure when they’d be hiding behind a board.

“I only got a chance to see them because they had to slow down for an ell-turn,” Conrad Jenkins, insurance broker, told the court, “and let me tell you I’ve never seen a girl looked so frightened in her life. It seemed she wanted desperately to get off the motorcycle while he at the same time I was seeing them from my picnic table was doing everything that sort knew to keep her on.” The judge cautioned Mr. Jenkins and Mr. Jenkins apologized and said he should have known better. “Having been an adjuster for hundreds of accident cases I know that witnesses are up here not to give their opinions or condemnations, but to confine their answers to the objective facts alone. But that was how I felt. I never saw a girl look so frightened, and in my work experience I’ve seen a lot.”

“What do you think of my site?” Jenny said when we reached the river, and I told her it’s beautiful and it was. No houses to be seen, no bridges, factories or boats. Just a quiet broad river with trees bordering both sides of it and beyond the trees were hills, mountains, clouds and a setting sun lighting up the edges of the clouds like what? Like a painting. Up till then I hadn’t been sure a place like that existed. It was what I started out traveling for, what I had even learned how to ride a bike for. To get off to the more primitive remote places people hardly go to anymore because they either don’t want to or these places are too tough to get to except by bike or Land rover. I took off my boots and walked in a ways and asked Jenny if she’d mind my going in for a dip in only my underpants as I didn’t want to wet my blue jeans, and she said “Take everything off if you want to, I as sure don’t care. In fact, I’m going to take everything off also and then scrub us down with soap if you have any in your bag.” I said I don’t need a washing: the water in the river will make me clean enough. “As a matter of fact the water’s going to make me pure, that’s what it’s going to do, because this is the purest river I’ve ever seen. Oh, I love your place, Jenny Lou,” and I stripped to my underpants and jumped in the river and coming up from around a minute’s swimming underwater I got what was the most beautiful view I ever saw: the setting sun reflecting off the water all around me, making it look like a river of pure golden honey I was in. Jenny came up from the water right beside me, nothing on her, looking great too. I said “Know how man first thought there was something like a Supreme Being around him?” and she said “Oh, you’re one of those.” “One of what?” I said, very cheerful, “it’s just something I discovered now myself for whatever it’s worth — want to hear?” She said, both of us treading water, “Okay — how?” and I said “Very long ago a man drove sixty miles by cart or went six miles by foot but did something to get here but got here and dove underwater and came up after a minute at this exact same time of the day on this exact same day and month of that year to the exact same weather and site we’re seeing right now and said ‘God.’” She said “That’s nice, I like that,” and kissed me on the nose, which I liked her doing. “Now let’s swim around some and then get out before we get chilled,” and I said “Good idea, Jenny, my friend,” and dived down and pulled on her legs till she was underwater with me and kissed her on the forehead. Then we swam around till the sun set and then swam back to land.

“Her body was bruised and scratched and appeared, by my best medical expertise, to have been beaten both before and after she was raped,” the coroner told the judge. “Please speak to the jury, Doctor,” the judge said. “Well as I said just now, she had bruises and lacerations around her pelvic region, thighs, abdomen, buttocks, breasts and neck, her head suffered several severe concussive blows with a blunt instrument such as a jack iron or baseball bat and she seemed, according to my post-mortem examination, to have been savagely beaten both before and after she was sexually attacked — beaten till she was either dead or left for dead but if left for dead then in a condition bordering very close to what we define as clinically dead.” I never told the jurors that Jenny and I didn’t make love. I never said I didn’t have any idea she was a minor. I even told them about that ridiculous age test I gave her and how more and more during the ride to the river I thought she was sixteen instead of twenty-one. I told them everything. I told them I only shoved her in self-defense and she lost her footing and that the whole bad scene of name-calling and branch-wielding and then the accident and death had actually started because Jenny didn’t think I was a good lover. But I still didn’t shove her for that, I swore. I only did it because she was going to come at me with a rock.

“You don’t seem to want to do anything,” Jenny said, both of us snuggled up comfy and warm at the water’s edge under my bedroll. “You’re not even excited.” “You checked?” I said. “I don’t have to check but will if you’re too numb to know it natural yourself.” She pulled the bedroll off us and looked. “Nothing. Is it because you’re impotent or hate girls?” “Maybe I don’t feel like it tonight. Let me for now lie quiet and look at the stars and feel good with everything about life and just hold you for a while. I like it here, Jenny. It’s a very nice place you brought me to and I’ll always be thankful for that. I’ve never seen the sun go down like that ever. Did you see the way it lit up and colored the sky and made the clouds almost seem like cotton balls on fire? It was like a religious scene in a movie where the whole heavens open up and the organ music begins. Or something like such. Words can’t come close to the experiencing of it and I never knew that better than now.” “Don’t you like me?” she said. “Sure I like you, but that doesn’t have to be important to you now, does it?” “You’re damn right it does. And if I’m going to lay with a guy then I want him to like me or I can’t do it.” “Then don’t do it. Let’s be truthful and open about it. If we do it then we do it only because we want to and if we both want to do it then it’ll be fun and beautiful and good. And now I just don’t want to do it.” She said “You know, I’m convinced now there’s something definitely peculiar about you. I think you’re maybe a fruit who gets his kicks by setting up girls for sex so he can put them down when he gets them there, just to make them feel frustrated and like dirty evil females. That’s you all over.” “Have it your own way,” I said. “That isn’t my way — it’s yours. You’re the dirty evil unnatural man, not me the woman. I’m natural. I’m natural because I want to make love.” So mechanically we began to make love. I did all the things I usually do when starting but Jenny did much more than that. She really went into a frenzy, panting and screaming and tearing away with her hands at both our bodies and getting me kind of excited though not that excited but still excited enough to make me want to continue beyond the point where I was planning to say “You see, I was right before: nothing. I just don’t feel like it tonight, though you can’t say I didn’t at least try.” I couldn’t imagine what she’d do if she really loved some man who really loved her. Maybe nothing very much. But she howled and kicked and rolled us all over the ground, which no doubt accounted for the bruises and lacerations she didn’t get in her tree-stump fall, and moved herself like no girl I’d ever been with. She kept yelling “Motorcycle man, oh my Mr. Motorcycle Man, oh I really dig dig dig dig my Mr. Motorcycle Man.” She didn’t taste from alcohol so for all I know she might have been on drugs. The coroner said no when questioned about it by my lawyer, but maybe he hadn’t looked and was only covering up himself to keep his lifetime job. Or maybe she just liked men better than any girl I’d ever known or heard about. She was like out of a dime novel when they sold for a quarter and I used to read them under my covers by flashlight when I was a kid and my folks were asleep. Or like the girls on detective and true romance magazines with the title in first person underneath about them being uncontrollable or incurable nymphomaniacs. Because whatever I did for Jenny or she for herself was never enough, though I didn’t worry about that much. I figured that in the morning, after we rested and I drove her home, I’d start out West on my bike, very early. Jenny wasn’t someone to stay around for because first of all she wouldn’t let me have my thoughts and peaceful moments, and secondly she probably wouldn’t want me to stay around.

“I heard her screaming — or a girl’s voice screaming — at approximately nine at night at River’s Point on July 26th of this year,” Mr. Stevenson Smith said on the stand. “My boy was with me at the time. We were looking for our dog, Peacock, who that same afternoon jumped out of the car window when Jimmy and I were fishing. And when we heard that poor girl screaming like she was being maliciously raped—” “Objection, Your Honor.” “I mean viciously raped.” “Objection, Your Honor.” “When we heard a girl screaming — is that all right?” “That’s fine, Mr. Smith,” the judge said. “Well Jimmy got so scared he ran back into the woods. I wanted to run and see what the screaming was about, but I also didn’t want Jimmy disappearing like Peacock did, so I went after the boy. I found him back in the car, doors locked and windows up tight, and with the car keys in the glove compartment. I had to tell him through the side vent to calm down for I wanted to see what the trouble was with that screaming voice. Coaxing him to calm down took a while because he’s a very emotional boy, very sensitive, and when he heard that screaming he, like me, didn’t know what to think. He said ‘No, don’t go, poppa.’ I said ‘I have to go, Jimmy. Some lady might be in trouble, so I’ve got to help.’ He said ‘Please don’t go, Poppa, I don’t want to be left alone.’ So I told him ‘Then unlock the door, Jimmy, and come with me.’” “Get to the point, Mr. Smith.” “The point is that I eventually did go back, though without Jimmy, and by this time the girl was no longer screaming. Nobody was screaming. Everything was quiet. And there she was on the grass without any clothes on and her hair combed back nice and tight and her head smashed in and blood all over the ground and her and bruised so bad I wanted to throw up. I felt if I’d have got there a half-minute sooner I could’ve saved that girl. I could’ve, you know, if my son wasn’t so emotional, so sensitive. It upset him so much he’s now taking pills to stay reasonably in control of himself.” “Thank you, Mr. Smith. Does the State have any further witnesses?” It had none. They already paraded about fifteen against me. There wasn’t anyone to say anything good about me. Just letters from my hometown that my lawyer read in court saying what a pleasant child I was when I was three and five and eight and ten but nobody had anything good to say about me after that. “A very slow worker”—an ex-boss. “Never liked to take orders”—another ex-boss. “Intelligent but with proclivities toward temper tantrums and occasional furious rages”—a grade-school teacher. “Too self-assured with no self-restraint.”—a junior-high-school teacher. “Kind of creepy and slimy most times but definitely not like a murderer”—the girl I was once engaged to. “Showed tremendous potential in the beginning, but once he got involved with motorcycles I just gave up on him”—my high-school football coach. “Unstable”—my mother. “Though do have pity on him,” she said from a thousand miles away, “as he’s my only child and I have no one else for support.” Except for the hundred thousand dollar insurance policy my dad left and which she refused to give me a cent of when I was accepted into college. “Guilty”—the jury. “Hanged till you are dead”—the judge. “They’ll never hang you because the state law is unconstitutional”—my lawyer. That was three years ago. I’m still in the death cellblock and there are no windows in my cell and I’m never allowed out in the sunlight and I never get any real earth to walk on and there are ten other men here who are also waiting to see how the Supreme Court deals with my case, since each of their death sentences will be affected by the decision. None of them is very hopeful. And if the court does decide the state’s execution law is constitutional, then I’ll be the first to go. None of these men likes to talk about the sun and stars and galaxies with me. They say “What’s the difference?” They say “So what, a star’s a star.” They’re interested in our men walking on the moon though — very proud that fellow human beings from our own country can do that. They like to watch it each time it happens on television and also all kinds of television movies and soap operas and ball games and a few of the funnier commercials — but that’s all. They actually don’t like to discuss anything with me — they think it might be bad luck. So I mostly talk to myself. I say “Let me out.” I plead “I didn’t do anything wrong to justify being here.” I shout “All I did was shove a girl. Lots of men have shoved girls and they’re not in prison. She fell back over her own foot and so in a sense killed herself. She already came at me once with a branch. She was going to come at me with a rock. Now who would stand still and let his head get hit by a rock? Would you stand still? And you there, would you stand still? Oh knock it off. Because none of you would. You say so, you might think so, but all of you would have probably done worse than me. You probably would have beaten her up. And then maybe raped her after you knocked her unconscious to the ground.” And I think about the sunsets I haven’t seen these past three years. And that last holy sunset I saw with Jenny Lou. My traveling would probably be over by now, I think. I’d probably be married — and maybe with a baby — to a girl I loved very much and who didn’t always interfere with my quietest thoughts.

“You can take your rest period,” guard Vernon says, coming into my cell with guard Simms, both of them armed. They walk me to the adjoining six-by-six-foot outdoor space. I look up at the other suns — the stars. It’s a clear night. The Big and Little Dippers are easily recognizable. Even the Andromeda galaxy can be seen. I’ve read all the prison astronomy books several times. I can identify every star formation on both sides of the equator, every significant star. I can make out planets. I can tell exactly what day of the year it is by how the stars are arranged. I could guide myself across any continent or body of water and come to the point a few thousand miles away I originally intended to get to just by following the stars. I could do all that. I learned all that here by myself. This outdoor cell is surrounded by walls several feet above my reach and on top of these walls are electric wires and there are lights all around my yard making the stars tonight a little tough to see and the two guards sit in the yard while I stand and if I stop for a second they always tell me to keep moving, now keep it moving, but the view is still something. My lawyer says the court ruling should come on my test case in a minimum of two years. He’s very hopeful the state’s mandatory death penalty law will be declared unconstitutional and that with a few years off for good behavior and a governor’s pardon I ought to be out of here by the time I’m sixty-five.