Altered

FORTY

“WHAT?” I ASK, MY MIND TRYING TO process the rapidly decaying house behind me, the sight of the hovering aeroship in the distance, and Valery’s betrayal at the same time.

It’s a bit too much to take in at once.

But Erik has his gun drawn. “I thought you landing in our party was a little suspicious. What did it take, Valery?”

She cowers back and he moves forward, edging closer to her, but she doesn’t run from him. “They did things to me. You saw the labs, Erik. Don’t you remember?”

“And now you’ve conveniently had a change of heart?” he snarls.

“Erik!” I call in a sharp voice.

“It wasn’t like that,” Valery says. She points to me as tears begin to stream down her face. “They told me it was your fault. That if I helped them, I could have Enora back, but…”

“But?” I prompt.

“They tried to make me forget her. Make me want other things. Cormac said they made me normal, and that when I returned to Arras, I would be happy,” she says, choking as she speaks, “because I had served the Guild.”

“They sent you here to spy on us,” Erik accuses.

“I hated you,” Valery says to me. Her words implore me to understand, and part of me does. The part of me that blames myself for Enora’s death. “That hate became stronger until it was the only feeling I was sure was true. It consumed me. When I saw you that day in the grey market, I wanted to lure you into an alley and do what the Guild wouldn’t do.”

Icicles crawl down my spine, branching out in chills through my body. So I hadn’t imagined seeing Valery that day, but I didn’t know she had seen me, too.

“But you didn’t,” I say. “You didn’t do that, Valery. You’re better than they would let you be.”

“No, I followed orders. I led you to the shop, so that you would find the truth. Seek Kincaid and walk into their arms. They knew you would come here eventually, but only after you led Kincaid to the same place.”

Every moment has been engineered since we got here, carefully executed to ensure we would be standing here right now. Have all our decisions been so carefully directed by Valery? I consider how she warmed to us at the estate after being cold and unfriendly and then shifted back to coldness. Her connection with Deniel, the Tailor who attacked me. The rest is murky.

“You sent Deniel,” I accuse her, “so I would distrust Kincaid.”

“Cormac’s idea,” Valery admits. “He knew you would turn against him after you went snooping. We only had to get you to snoop.”

“Bit of a gamble,” Erik says.

“That’s the thing. The reason I’ve hated Adelice the most. She tries to do what’s right even at the cost of alliances and power.”

“And you hate me for that?”

“I hated you because it’s not that simple,” she cries. “Don’t you see what you’re sacrificing? Who you’re sacrificing?”

This time I advance on her, my fists balled, my body shaking. “I never wanted this. I’ve done the best I can. Do you want me to become another Creweler locked in a room doing the best I can? Or worse—Cormac?”

“I’m starting to understand.” Valery holds her hands out, stopping my advance and my words. “I tried to keep hating you, but I can’t anymore.”

“How is that even possible?” Jost asks, and it’s clear he doesn’t believe her.

“Emotional and psychological alteration is tricky,” Dante says, and I turn to see he’s been here listening to her confession. “It takes the most talented of Tailors. Don’t do it properly and it never fully takes, but alter too much and you wind up with a void, someone who seems half human, half there. Altering a person’s psychology can have drastic effects, turning a person into a blank slate.”

Beth, the girl next door when I was a child, a variant in her own little world. The citizens of Cypress watching with apathy as I cut the ribbon on their new school. Enora blankly reciting the Guild’s plan to map me. I’ve seen it myself throughout my life in Arras, never knowing how deep the Guild’s fingers were in the minds of those around me.

“But Enora was like Valery,” I say, pointing to her. “Except more…”

“Cunning?” he asks. “It should have been a warning sign, but it’s easy enough to overlook on Earth. They couldn’t remove her memories of you entirely, not if they wanted her to find you. But if she was your friend’s lover, they removed that. Spliced what they considered to be normal feelings into her.”

“I wanted her back,” Valery says, a break in her voice. “I remember that. Enough to do anything they asked.”

“They couldn’t give her back to you. Enora slipped past their fingers,” I tell her.

“I know. I knew, but it didn’t matter.”

Grief is a funny thing, I think. It can make you see things that aren’t there and ignore what’s in front of your face. Bitterness channels itself into anger and stupid backtalk and a million other destructive impulses. I knew that better than anyone.

“But why now?” Jost asks.

“Because it’s too late,” Erik says.

“No, it isn’t,” Valery says. “We can leave off the far side of the island.”

“That won’t buy us enough time,” Dante says to her. “You told us now because the alteration didn’t take. You may have hated Adelice, but emotional altering doesn’t work if a person changes her mind. Am I right in guessing you no longer harbor a grudge against her?”

“I tried. I wanted to keep hating her, because then it was easier,” she says.

Albert lifts his head and in a faint voice addresses us. “Nothing can remove free will. Our self-determination is bound to our very souls. It is the thing that defines our humanity.”

“You really want us to get away?” I ask in a low voice that only Valery can hear.

“Yes,” she says. “I’ll stay. I’ll misdirect them, but go.”

I know what they’ll do to Valery if we leave her behind, and part of me wants to go. The part that reels from her betrayal, that feels led around for months. But she’s made the same sacrifice that Enora would have made. That’s why they loved each other. I can’t blame her for being angry and lashing out. Haven’t I done the same? Haven’t I risked lives in the Coventry with my smart, unthinking mouth?

“No one gets left behind,” I say. “Jost, where’s the boat?”

“We circled the island looking for you. It’s on the northern side,” he says.

“The ship is sailing from the south, so she’s right. If we go now there might be enough time to get away,” I say. “Get it ready.”

“Ad,” Erik says in a deep voice, “there’s no way we can outrun that ship. Someone should stay behind. If you won’t let her, then I’ll do it.”

“I know you think you have debts to pay, but stop trying to prove yourself,” I snap. “I’m not letting any of you stay behind, especially not you.”

Behind us the warden’s house creaks, and a wall caves in, forcing Dante to drag Albert away from it. Dust from the plaster billows out around us.

“This is the first place they’ll come,” I say. “We shouldn’t wait here.”

Everyone scurries across the large concrete yard toward the prison, and the road that will lead us to the boat, but before I reach it, Erik’s hand grabs my wrist, stopping me.

“You have to get away, Adelice. They’re coming for you and Albert. I can’t let them take you,” he says.

“Why are you telling me this now? We can all go,” I say.

“No, we can’t,” he says. “Not if there’s a chance for you to escape. I can confuse them, lead them into the prison. We’ll play hide-and-seek. It’ll be fun.” He tries to shrug nonchalantly, to look charming and casual and carefree, but his shoulders pitch too high and there’s no sparkle in his eyes.

“I can’t let you do that,” I whisper, turning in to him.

“Yes, you can.”

“What makes you so sure?”

“Because we love each other,” he murmurs. “And we always knew this day would come.”

My lips close over his, sealing the truth of his statement. I linger in the kiss, knowing what I have to do and dreading it. His lips stay firm against mine and his hand stays clasped tight in mine. Our bodies aren’t fighting to press closer together. This kiss is gentle and full of promises that can never be fulfilled, and it leaves an ache consuming me. It’s the kiss we should have shared long ago but never made the time for, and now it’s too late. It’s more than goodbye—it’s regret.

Now. Only now, a tiny voice urges me.

So I kiss Erik. I kiss him goodbye. I kiss him for all the moments we will never have, and because I know I love him.

Because I know I’m leaving him.