As It Is in Heaven

1

There are only three great puzzles in the world, the puzzle of love, the puzzle of death, and, between each of these and part of both of them, the puzzle of God.

God is the greatest puzzle of all.

When a car drives off the road and crashes into your life, you feel the puzzle of God. You feel the sharpness of its edges fall on top of you and know the immensity of the puzzle from the force of the life being crushed out of you. You want to lift the pieces and throw them away into the darkness. You feel the chill of loss, the drafty air, as if the walls of your soul have been knocked down in the night and you wake to realize that you are living in a vast exposed emptiness.

When the man driving the car turns out to be a drunken priest who receives only minor injuries, you wonder if God was ever there at all, or if the puzzle itself was your own invention to excuse the existence of the random and the brutal where they crisscrossed our days.

Philip Griffin wondered. He wondered what crime his ten-year-old daughter could have committed, what grievous error she had made that had drawn the priest’s car upon her that afternoon. What fault could his wife, Anne, have been guilty of as she drove into Ranelagh to collect rosin for her daughter’s half-sized cello? In the weeks and months following the accident Philip Griffin asked the questions and could arrive at only one answer: there was none. The fault was his own, the judgement had fallen not on them but upon him. For it was the survivor who suffered. In the weeks following the funeral of his wife and daughter he had scoured the burnt bottom of his soul for the myriad failings of his love — the days he had said nothing, had returned from work with some bitterness and left the children doing their homework, telling them to leave him alone when they came with copies, raising his newspaper like a drawbridge and retreating inside the loveless world of facts and news, until a knock came on the room door and he walked out to tea; the evenings he did not tell them he loved them but told them only to go to bed and be quiet or he’d be cross. He searched out each of his failings and then concluded that they were so numerous it was perfectly clear why God had smote his life with suffering. Understanding that was the only way he was able to continue living, for in his eyes his living with the hurt was a kind of cleansing. Mary and Anne were in heaven awaiting him, and he would be there to join them one day, when he had done whatever he could for his remaining child, Stephen; when life had at last purged his sins and cancer would arrive.

There was peace in that. The puzzle of God was not so bad after all, and Philip could endure suffering, knowing that at least when it was over it would mean he was forgiven.

In twenty years that day had not come. His son, Stephen, had become a schoolteacher and moved away from Dublin to the west. The fracture that had fallen between them the day of the crash, when they had each retreated into great guilty rooms of silence, had grown steadily wider, and the father had felt each year the weakening of his ability to reach his son. Stephen was a lone figure; he was tall and silent and intense, and had vanished from his father into the world of history books before he had finished his teens. Now he arrived one weekend a month to sit opposite his father in the sitting room and correct copies and read the newspaper while Puccini played on the small stereo and the light died in the street outside.

“Hello.”

It was a late-autumn afternoon. The chestnut leaves had fallen in the garden and blackened the grass, which Philip Griffin did not rake. A small man, he sat in the front window with the Venetian blinds open and watched the road for the coming of his son’s car. When it entered the driveway, he had looked away and gazed at the air as if watching the music. He heard Stephen turn his key in the door, but he did not get up. He sat with his hands on his knees and waited with the terrible immobility of those who have lost the means of talking to their children.

“Hello,” Stephen said again.

The music was playing. His father raised his right hand three inches off his knee as a greeting, but said nothing more. He was listening to the singing like a man looking at a faraway place. There were words in the air, but Philip Griffin did not need to say them, he did not need to say: “When your mother was alive, she liked this one,” for Stephen already knew it. He knew the terrible sweetness of the melancholy in that music and how it soothed his father to be there within it. He said nothing and sat down.

On the small tape recorder beside his chair Philip Griffin turned up the volume and let the music fill the space between them. They had not seen each other for three weeks, but sat in their armchairs, surrounded by Puccini, as if the spell of the music would bear no interruption and the memory of the slim and tall figure of Anne Griffin was walking in the room. The sorrowfulness of the aria was cool and delicious; it was beyond their capability of telling, and while it played, father and son lingered in its brief and beautiful grief, each thinking of different women.

The heavy golden curtains of the room were tied back from the window; they had not been closed in many years, and their gathered folds held within them the ageing dust of the man who sat there every day. Philip Griffin had his face turned to the open Venetian blind, and bands of orange light fell across it as the streetlights came on. He was sixty-eight years old. He had never been handsome, but had once been lively. Now his hair grew like curling grey wires over his ears and in his ears, while the crown of his head was so bare it looked vulnerable and expectant of blows. As he sat he held his hands in his lap and sometimes looked down at them and turned them over, as if searching for traces of the cancer he imagined must be growing inside him. He was a tired man who had grown to dislike company. The place in his spirit where he was broken had grown so familiar to him, and he had so long ago abandoned the notion of any fingering or magic that could repair it, that his living had assumed a frayed quality, waiting for the last thread to give.

The music played, he held his hands. When three arias had ended, he reached down and clicked off the machine. “Well,” he said, and looked through the darkness of the room to see with astonishment the changed face of his son.

2

You can know a lot about a man when you are measuring him for trousers. You can know his own sense of expectation about the world and whether he feels himself fitting into it or not. Sometimes he has grown beyond himself, and the extra inches that may be the loss of youth are hidden by the quick thumb on the tape measure. Sometimes the inches are the inches of pleasure and the man allows them like the proof of his own expansion, the feasting and fortune he has known. He can be told he is larger now, for he feels the responsibilities of his age and is not yet aware of his own diminishment. The tape measure tells a thousand stories. As a tailor in Clery’s, Philip Griffin had made a legion of men fit better into the world and, looking at his son in the armchair, knew the slackness of his trouser belt, the looseness of his collar were the telltale signs of love or death. God could not kill the whole family before him, he figured, and so he knew it was the former.

“Put on the light,” he said.

Stephen stood up. When he clicked the switch, his father was startled even more by the look of him. Stephen had emerged from adolescence with an angular air of oddity; his body was thin and long and crooked, and his head was enormous. He was almost twice the length of his father. But as he stood there in the room the thinness of him seemed stretched by the pressure of his feelings. His clothes did not fit him; you could put three fingers inside the belt of his trousers, his father thought, your whole hand inside his shirt. The tailor had seen this shrinking often before, he had measured men who trembled silently in the dressing room, feeling the wasting of themselves beneath the power of a passion, but it belonged to springtime. It was a May-time rapture, an annual fact of men in their clothes like the brief season of happiness in summer when satisfied love made every man larger in his chest by an inch. No, this was different; Stephen was alarmingly thin, and even before he had turned his face fully towards his father, Philip Griffin had begun to formulate who the woman might be.

“I’ll make tea,” Stephen said.

“If you want.”

“Do you?”

“If you’re making it.” Stephen turned to leave the room. “I don’t need the light,” said his father, and sat back into the darkness when the switch clicked. Alone, he quickly glanced outside at the old car Stephen had driven up from the west and saw that one side of it had been recently dented.

“My God,” he said aloud to his wife, and then reminded himself not to talk to her while Stephen was in the house. He sat and listened. He heard the loping of his long son moving about the kitchen down the hallway. It was an empty place, made all the more so by how full it had once been with the presence of a woman and two children; on its clean counters and polished tabletop were the memories of the ten thousand meals of childhood, the smallest of tarts and jam, the hiss of the iron and sizzle of fry. They were not entirely vanished into the walls, and Philip Griffin knew that as Stephen made the tea and stood by the counter the sense of loss would still be potent. He should have sold the house after Anne and Mary died. He should have moved out and left the place; for no matter how glowing were all the moments of the past, the first years of marriage, the happiness of Stephen’s birth, then two years later, his sister Mary, the tumble and laughter, the evenings at the Dublin Grand Opera Society, the Christmases, none of it mattered or survived that afternoon he had been called from the tailoring in Clery’s to come to the hospital and identify his wife and daughter after the car crash.

He should have sold the house then, but didn’t. He couldn’t, the grief was too great. He breathed the death in the living room air, the sorrow that lingered in the stairs, until it got inside him. He never knew that a small man could carry so much grief and was amazed that the years did not diminish it but amplified it, until the day three years ago when he had woken up and realized with a huge sigh of peace that at last he was dying.

Now, as he sat in the darkness listening to Stephen in the kitchen, he knew memories grew sharper with time. For the measure of his pain in losing Anne Nolan was the measure of his love; perhaps if he had loved her less he might have endured the world better afterwards; perhaps it was never intended that we give ourselves so much to one person that the vanishing of their face makes us feel the world is only a shadow. So, as he sat there in his armchair looking towards the street, he prayed that his son would feel the emptiness of the kitchen like a pain, and somehow realize he must not love too deeply.

“Here’s the tea. Do you want the light?”

“Not unless you do.”

“All right.”

Stephen left the light off and came in carefully with the tray.

They sat with their tea. In the time since he had realized he was dying, Philip had not mentioned it to his son. He hoped the illness would sweep through him swiftly. He imagined waking one morning moments before his death and then surrendering in a long gasp; his good suit was ready in the closet with one of the silk ties from Harry O’Connell up in Brown Thomas. He would be no burden on Stephen and didn’t want his son worrying about him. The boy had had enough. No, any day now it would arrive; for a man who had already put up with as much as he had, there would be no painful deterioration. He was certain of it. One day he would be alive, sitting in his chair, the next he would be dead.

He sipped his tea and looked at his son. He even looks like a history teacher, Philip decided. There’s something dishevelled about history, goes well in a tweed jacket, or even a corduroy. But not those jumpers he wears, not on a man over thirty. No, a man should wear a jacket.

“How is school going?” he asked. It was what he always asked, and always received the same answer.

“It’s fine.”

And there was comfort in that, too, like throwing a ball back and forth to each other, the familiarity and simplicity of its rhythm making everything seem in its place in the world.

There is no way he can tell me, thought Philip. No way he can begin to say, I have fallen in love. And that this is already different from anything else, that already he knows that there is a greater magnitude of feeling in his heart than he had possibly imagined before. There is no way he can tell me, even as I cannot tell him I am dying.

“That’s nice tea,” said Philip, and looked down at his hands. He waited some time and said, “Will we get to evening Mass?”

They left the house and pulled the door shut and went into Dublin. Philip drove the car and Stephen sat beside him. The night had fallen. There were no stars or moon. While they drove, Stephen said nothing. His knees were crooked up in front of him. His breath steamed the window excessively; the warmth of his thoughts about the woman he had met rose against the glass until at last his father asked him to open the window. When he did, Gabriella Castoldi flew out on the night air 160 miles from where she was in the city of Galway. Stephen rolled up the window, but it was quickly fogged with her again, the car air smelling increasingly of white lilies and clouding the view ahead so utterly that neither of the two men could bring themselves to mention it but instead drove on, peering outward through the fogged windscreen of hopeless love.

The journey was fifteen minutes. Philip parked the car in NO PARKING before the gate of an office building. He saw the sign but paid it no attention, getting out of the car with his hat on his head and telling Stephen not to bother to lock it: when the plot of your life is written, there is no need to worry about trivialities. The two men stepped onto the path; they smelled the lilies escaping with them and noticed an elderly woman waiting for the 46 bus raise her nose and catch the scent as it passed down the street. But they said nothing about it. Silence was the family code.

Philip touched the brim of his hat slightly. He stepped into the street without looking.

But nothing was coming; it never was. That was the monotony of being spared: God was always there before him. The Dublin evening pressed like a damp cloth across the backs of their necks, and the two men hurried across to the door of the Church of the Blessed Sacrament. When they opened it, Mass began. Philip Griffin took off his hat. He knelt into the pew farthest from the altar, closed his eyes, and told his wife there might be a delay, but he hoped he would be there before too long.

3

That evening they played chess in the dark. Not that it was entirely dark, but the only light came from the low table lamp in the hallway and cast elongated shadows across the board, making the pieces larger and giving the impression to anyone passing outside that the men were playing with giants. Over the years of Stephen’s visits it had become routine to play after Mass. The language of chess was much like the secret language of men’s clothes, only it took longer to discover. Now Philip knew that there existed in the movement of the pieces a communication infinitely more true than anything he and Stephen might have said to each other.

So, as one game followed the next, the movement of the chess pieces was the ancient vocabulary through which Stephen began to tell his father that he was daring to believe in love. All his moves signalled it; his knights flew into the midst of the board, his bishops ventured crisscross along diagonals that bespoke the innocence of a beginner or the blind invulnerability of dreams. Stephen moved his queen constantly, taking the piece in his fingers and holding it a moment suspended above the game before once again releasing it to the danger of the board.

Stephen lost the first game, and then the second; by the time they had begun the third, his father had already understood the turbulence of his son’s heart and wondered at how he was managing to play at all. They had played together for years. Once Philip had been the Master; he had first learned the game as a boy with the Christian Brothers in Westland Row. Later, he played against the newspaper, opening a pocket set in the tailoring room and playing against the puzzle between stitches, looking at the solution only before he pulled on his jacket and walked across the emptied ground-floor lobby to go home. He had taught his son when Stephen was fifteen, and beaten him consistently until a June evening five years later, when the matchless audacity of Stephen’s moves told his father that he had finished rearing him. From then on, the fluctuations of his form reflected his spirit so keenly that within five moves of beginning a game, Philip Griffin could already tell the depth of Stephen’s grief, anger, or frustration.

So it was. They did not speak, they played chess in the dark. They played without a clock, making the moves the way other men beat a ball with a racket or a club, releasing the demons that lay in the low places of their spirits, and seeing arise in the ever more complex patterns of the board the perfect reflection of their lives.

“We’ll play again?”

Stephen had lost for the fourth time and was already resetting the pieces when he asked his father. It was past midnight. Three times the tape of Puccini’s La Bohème had replayed itself, and Philip Griffin had lowered his head until his chin was propped just above the board on the knuckles of his joined hands. He cannot play himself out of it, he thought. No number of games will free him from thinking of her. He looked down at the white king’s knight, which had already begun the new game by jumping forward. What could he tell Stephen? How could he instruct him in caution, in restricting the wild movements of his pieces that so clearly told the story of his heart? He could not. He looked at the backs of his hands and felt the papery skin at the top of his cheeks. He felt an enormous tiredness opening itself like a great cloak within him. He wanted to go to bed, but he played again, and again after that. Time ran away; no cars moved down the empty suburban road outside. Dublin was asleep beneath its streetlights, the autumn night foggy with dreams, while son and father played on. They did not look up from the board, nor did Philip remark when the scent of the lilies arose and filled the room. He breathed their perfume and kept his gaze fixed on the queen, recalling how Anne, too, had smelled of those flowers, and realizing there and then that life repeats itself over and over, and that, though the game might change, its patterns were the same, his son’s loving was his own, and it would be morning before Stephen exhausted himself telling of it and fell across the chessboard asleep.

4

While Stephen slept, his father watched him. The king’s knight’s pawn was in his son’s hand, but his body had slumped backward into the armchair. Whatever move he had intended to make was frozen in his hand and the game lay suspended, its communication broken, like a missing page in an old love letter.

Philip Griffin watched him. He had watched him for thirty years, watched him more carefully than any father watched his son. He loved Stephen as a wall loves a garden. He knew his son’s life was lacking in excitement or joy, but believed that it needed to be fiercely protected from the treachery of dreams.

He watched over his son. The visions that rode Stephen in sleep gave his face the look of fearful anticipation; his eyebrows were knotted, the lids of his eyes shut tight. His father did not think to move him. He had waited almost half an hour for Stephen to make a move, not looking at him in the half-light, keeping his eyes fixed on the board and continuing to read the fable of his son’s loving. In that half an hour he had realized that the love was not returned at all yet, and that the desperation of the position that Stephen kept creating in each game was the plain metaphor of his heart. When at last he dared to look up, Philip thought at first that time had stopped. He thought it was he who had died and that it was his spirit looking down at the stilled picture of the world as he was leaving it. Nothing was moving, there was no sound in the room nor in the street outside, and he had to lower his hands slowly to touch the armrests of the chair to be sure that he was not floating away.

It would have been a peaceful death; but almost at once a new pain arrived swiftly. It lanced him like a kitchen knife: he was not going to die just yet, he was not going to be allowed to sit out his days and wait for the moment when he would topple sideways from his chair onto the carpet and meet his wife and daughter again. No, he was to live to see this: to see the unrequited love of his son burn the boy’s soul until there was nothing left of him, too. Philip was sure of it. That the relationship might unfold happily, that it might be reciprocated and the feelings amplified, was a foolish impossibility to him. Even to think that was a way of thinking he had long ago abandoned, and he remembered it now only as the skin remembers its scars.

In the sudden spring that arrived three years after his wife and daughter had died, Philip had opened the door one morning to feel the warmth of the air come like a caress across his face and to hear the birdsong, rapturous in the awakening limbs of the old chestnut tree. Spring was throbbing in the air, he saw it but somehow could not accept the pleasure of it. It was as if the grief had already enwrapped his life and he had settled into it like a comfort. It was easier to live like that. But that morning, as he travelled to work, he kept noticing the small tilting trees that grew in grass verges next to the path; they had leafed overnight, it seemed. He looked at them as if seeing them for the first time and wondered if it was three years since the last spring. That afternoon he had slipped away from the shop and left a pair of trousers in the hands of young Dempsey while he went to the doctor. Walking across Dublin in the remarkable blue of that afternoon, catching something of the quickened heartbeat, the gaiety that moved tangibly through the crowds on Grafton Street, he had no idea exactly what he was going for. He sat in the high-ceilinged waiting room of Dr. Tim Magrath’s surgery on Fitzwilliam Street; the window was raised on its pull cords and the city stayed with him. When at last he was called in, he took the big doctor’s handshake and held on to it. Philip had tailored Tim Magrath’s clothes for eighteen years, and although he had spoken to the doctor often and about every possible subject while measuring him in Clery’s, he had never consulted him and they had never met anywhere else. That afternoon, when Tim Magrath saw him there, he had imagined at first that Philip Griffin had come to make a delivery, that he had forgotten some trousers or a jacket and the tailor had been good enough to bring them over. It was only when he felt the hand of the other man holding on to him and noticed that he had brought nothing with him that he realized there was something else. Philip sat down on the leather couch. He left his hat on and looked directly at the doctor’s grey eyes.

“I can’t feel any joy,” he said.

Tim Magrath said nothing. He felt the eyes of the patient staring at him for an answer, but was so surprised that he had to get up and look at the street outside. He watched the cars passing for a moment.

“My wife died. My daughter died with her.”

The doctor felt a shiver of guilt run down his spine; he had heard of the crash, of course, but had missed the funeral, and then let the facts of it slip away beyond acknowledgement.

“It was three years ago,” Philip said, “and it’s just, I can’t feel any joy. In anything. Maybe I’m not supposed to. But I just thought I’d mention it to somebody. I wonder, will I? … I just can’t seem to.” He was not distressed, he spoke about it as if telling a mildly unusual facet of his diet.

Tim McGrath did not know what to say; he looked out the window. (He did not yet know the prescription for loss, and would not even understand the ailment until four years later, when he would return from golf at the Grange on a Saturday afternoon and find his wife, Maire, dead on the bed upstairs. Then the loss would descend upon him and he would walk out across the manicured summer lawns of his front garden and feel nothing. Then he would recall the tailor and realize with a blow that made him sit down on the grass that in fact he knew nothing about healing.)

But he did not know yet that the incredible world could vanish from the living as easily as from the dead. He looked out the window and watched the traffic in a practised way that he knew looked as if he were thinking. Finally Dr. Magrath turned around to face his patient. “Are you sleeping at night?” he asked.

And that was it. When Philip walked back across the city to the shop, he had a bottle of sleeping tablets in his jacket pocket. He had never taken them, and gradually allowed the promise of spring to die away into the wet summer of that year, taking with it the faint prompting at the corners of his mind that perhaps there was a way back to joy. By the autumn, the relentless and immutable progress of sorrow had continued like an intimacy in Philip Griffin’s heart. He anticipated affliction and imagined that by doing so his life was more bearable.

No, happiness did not run in the Griffin family, it fled away; for them there was no relief to balance tragedy. In quiet moments after Stephen had moved to the west, Philip had begun to hope that his son’s life would simply escape into ordinariness, that nothing remarkable would happen. But now, sitting opposite him at the chessboard in the dark, he realized that was not the case. And worse, that he was to live to see it.

He looked at the chessboard and memorized the position. He would lay it out again after Stephen had driven away and study it for clues. He knew the woman Stephen was in love with was unsuitable, but was not sure yet why. Perhaps she was married or did not care for him at all.

It was a little time before Philip stood up and moved past the sleeping figure. He moved out into the hallway and in the hot press found a blanket. When he came back and laid it over his son, the young man seemed to him to have grown younger. He was smaller, too. And for the four hours that remained until morning Philip decided to sit there in the armchair opposite him.

They had had so much time together since the day, that day; years of living in the same house that had taught them the fine skills of walking in empty rooms and being aware of the ghosts. They had lived around each other as much as with each other. But the invisible bond that held them together was the searing memory of those first moments after the accident when they had seen each other for the first time and stood in mute but tearless rage as they felt the burning pain of love and the perishing of hope. The funeral had been automatic; it was as if two other people and not Philip and Stephen were there. But afterwards, in the unnaturally stilled days when father and son came from their rooms in the house only when they knew they would not encounter each other, when they stole down the stairs laden with the guilt of having survived, the bond between them had grown. It grew without their speaking of it. It grew while they lay in their beds in the dark, sleepless and angry, asking God over and over why it was they who had lived. Why not kill me? And as week after week passed and they still lived on, the man and his son washing the dishes at the counter, hanging out the clothes on the line where the ghost of the mother was already standing, Philip and Stephen carried the burden of their survival in exactly the same manner. They did not speak of it but took the puzzle of their days everywhere with them, growing an identical jagged wrinkle across the middle of their foreheads and talking fitfully in the brief periods of their night sleep.

Now, fifteen years later, Philip Griffin saw that his son had not entirely escaped the habits of those years. For at once, instants after the blanket had been put across him in the armchair, Stephen began talking in his sleep. His words were unintelligible at first, and even though his father got from his chair and knelt down beside him like a priest, he could make nothing of them. He touched the sweat on his son’s forehead, where it glistened in the low light. He was startled at how cold it was. It was as chill as seawater. He was thinking to get another blanket, or wake Stephen and move him to the bed, when he finally realized that the words his son was speaking were Italian.

5

Stephen Griffin had first seen Gabriella Castoldi playing violin in a concert in the thick-curtained upstairs room of the Old Ground Hotel in Ennis in County Clare. He had not intended to be there and marvelled often afterwards how one moment leads to the next, until the pattern of our lives seems inevitable. He worked as a history teacher in a grey school by the sea at Spanish Point twenty miles away and lived in a house with no curtains, where the Atlantic sprayed his windows and whispered like a mystery in every room. He had lived there for three years since taking the job. The day he came for the interview he drove west until he met the coastline and knew at once not that he wanted the position but that he wanted to be there in the west, for that sense of arrival in reaching the edge of the country. He had searched for the house for the same reason, finding a place that was small and damp but, unlike so many of the other old cottages, turned outward to the sea. Its front-room window looked out over a small slope of burnt grass that fell away in a sharp cliff into the alarming pounding of the tide. When he sat in the front room and looked westward into the slow movement of the swollen waters, he did not know it but he was the mirror of his father sitting in Dublin.

“History is disappearing,” the principal, Mrs. Waters, told him at the interview. “Nobody wants to do history anymore. It’s a terrible shame.” The students preferred computers, she said with a tone of derision. “History is long and difficult, Mr. Griffin; there’s a lot of reading in it,” said Mrs. Waters. “That’s the reason. They don’t like reading. They’re too lazy. Your classes will be small. But maybe you’ll be able to change all that.” It was a little threat. Mrs. Waters was a big woman with a small mouth; she seemed to know that the smallness of her mouth betrayed some lack of feeling and had overpainted her lips, which she pursed constantly to reassure herself. She sat across the table from Stephen and wondered would he do. It wasn’t everybody who could stick it out, the west was bleak in the winter, and between the broken Atlantic skies and the rough sea, few souls not born to it endured. So Mrs. Waters imagined, sitting in the neatness of her principal’s office and priding herself on the rigid indestructibility of her own person.

“You think you might like it here?” she asked Stephen.

“I can’t tell you,” he said.

“I’m sorry?”

“The future has no history. We can’t know anything of tomorrow, can we?”

Mrs. Waters stared at him; it was an outlandish remark, and she had to pause a moment to decide if she was being insulted.

“I think I will, that’s why I’m here. But I don’t know.” Stephen looked directly at her. “I’d like the chance to work here, I know that.”

It was not exactly what Mrs. Waters wanted to hear. But she nodded and pursed her lips.

“You’d teach all classes?”

“Yes.”

“We believe in discipline here. We have school rules.”

Stephen said nothing, he simply looked back at her, and Eileen Waters could not tell if he was agreeing or not. She was a good judge of men; she often said so. She had judged her husband, Eamon, at forty-three and married at last, congratulating herself on not surrendering to any number of brutish fellows and finding in the assistant librarian in Ennis the quietest man in Clare. He had not disappointed her. She was a good judge. But with Stephen Griffin she was lost. It was a feeling to which she was not accustomed, and to escape the discomfort, she decided on him. He was the best of the three applicants by far, she told herself. That he was the only man and the other two women candidates had both seemed powerful, competent figures who might have challenged her was beside the point. No, this fellow is the best. It was only when Eileen Waters stood up to congratulate Stephen on getting the job that the thought occurred to her that he might be a dreadful teacher. It was only a passing impression, and she drove it, like everything else, resolutely out of her mind by shaking Stephen’s hand forcefully and telling him three times how wonderful it was all going to be.

In the years before he arrived at the concert in Ennis that Friday evening, time had stopped for Stephen Griffin. He had found the house and moved into it, taken the job at the school, and fit his life into the routine of both of them, paring down his days until they had arrived at a still and unbroken sameness.

Then time stopped altogether.

He was the teacher who lived in the house. He was a quiet and shy man. He didn’t go to the pubs at night, nor join the little golf club on the dunes at Spanish Point. The Clancys, who lived in the small cottage down the road, hardly saw him; the word in Marrinan’s shop was that he was writing a book and wanted to be left alone. And so he was. He taught his classes, he lived in the house by the sea and visited his father in Dublin once every month. He felt himself grow old.

Then one day he was asked to buy a ticket for Michael Mooney’s concert.

6

He was called Moses Mooney. He had a great fluff of white beard and walked down the streets of Miltown Malbay with his head held backward to let it flow. He had two coats and wore them both in winter, one on top of the other, so the fullness of his figure as he came towards you seemed a statement of intent. His eyes were blue gimlets. He had sailed the seas of the world for many years, and three times died and lived again according to his own tales. Each encounter with God had left him with the remarkable blueness of his eyes made brighter and the rosiness of his cheeks proof of the health-enhancing properties of resurrection. He was an extraordinary man. Moses Mooney had grown up in a house of music, the notes were in his ears when he was born, for his father, Thomas, was rumoured to have fiddle calluses on his fingers when he arrived in the world and his mother was the singer Angela Duff, who had made men weep in the kitchen when she sang “Spancil Hill.” He had grown up with the music and then left for England and the sea. It was on the third of his meetings with God, when he was fifty-two years old, that Moses Mooney realized what he was to do with his life and returned from the shores of Brazil to Miltown Malbay with the project of building an opera house by the sea.

At first, of course, it was not an opera house. He told the people who would listen to him in bemused amazement in Clancy’s bar that it was a concert hall. That the sides would be removeable to see the sea, and that in summertime they would lift off to let the roaring of the ocean meet the playing of the music in the fabulous symphony of Man and God. He was perfectly clear about it. Everything about him seemed convincing, and for as long as his vision remained the wildest and least probable of all dreams, the people indulged his fantasy and bought him drinks. Moses Mooney was a figure around the town, that was all. He did not tell anyone yet that the building was to be an opera house, nor that the music he had heard in God’s company was not like any other and that only later when he had arrived back on the shores of Brazil and heard on an old radio the singing of Maria Callas did he recognize that that was the music of God.

How he intended to build the opera house was not at first clear to him either. All he knew was that he had to come home to Clare, that his travelling days were over, and that this project was what he had to pursue until the day that he died. When he arrived back at his home cottage, the roof had fallen in. There were two cats living in the parlour in a clump of old thatch, and when Moses stood in the doorway, they came to him with such gentleness and affection that he told his neighbour he would name them after his parents. It took him three months to get the house partially repaired. He had money saved from his sailoring, and before he had declared his full intentions, he used what he had left to buy an acre of ground next to the golf course at Spanish Point.

And there it remained. The west Clare opera house. Grass grew within the barbed-wire boundaries of the field, while all about it were the fairways and greens of the golfers. Every day Moses would walk across the field and imagine the dimensions of the building shaping around him; from the whispering of the sea winds he dreamed the singing of the future, the magnificent music that was as yet unheard by everyone but himself.

Other than this vision, Moses Mooney showed few signs of oddity in his behaviour. He was a churchgoing man and kept himself comfortably once he had repaired the cottage. He was the owner of a thousand tales and could tell them with such conviction that two priests, three bankers, and one insurance man were among his regular company in the late-evening sessions in Clancy’s. He had gone out into the world and brought more than his share of it back with him, and when he told of unknown tribes in Chile, the bizarre habits of the male cockatoo, or the weird majesty of a communal dream shared by each of eighty sailors one night after a storm off the Cape of Good Hope, no one walked away. He finished a story and sat back, palming his great beard gently, and then sipping his stout as if chastened by the things he had lived to see.

It was two years after he had bought the field that the idea of the concerts came to him. When he first dreamed the opera house into the space where the tufts of grass blew in the wind, he did not think of how the money would be raised. It was only afterwards, when the emptiness of the field began to spread in his mind like an ache, that he wondered if there was not a serious flaw in God’s vision, or if perhaps he had resurfaced too soon in the southern Atlantic before getting the entire message. With the childlike innocence of the visionary, he had supposed that once he announced his intentions the money would be forthcoming. When it wasn’t and nobody stopped him on the street with the offer of finances, he decided that information was the problem, and stayed awake all the following night making three bright posters with red and yellow crayons, announcing the number of the bank account he had opened and telling the good people that he was going to donate his field and all his personal savings to the cause of building a place for music of the sea. He hung the posters the following day before dawn. The town was asleep and only a brisk salty wind passed along the street. Thomas and Angela, the two cats, had followed him from the house and stood together beneath the lamppost while he pressed home the thumbtacks. When he had done all three, he walked down the empty town with a pure and clear pride glistening inside himself; he was as clean-souled as after Communion, and turned to look back at the announcements with such a blaze of joy that they might have told of the coming of Christ Himself. Moses Mooney walked home and went to bed. He slept with the two cats at his feet and dreamed the town was waking up and seeing the notices, an infection of delight enveloping the people at the whimsical originality, the daring and wonder of the plan, and the queues spreading from Bank Place down to Clancy’s.

When he awoke he was like a new man, and had the flushed rapture of those who know they are about to see their dreams realized. He imagined the money adding up, he totted the imaginary figures and was able to elaborate the plans for the opera house, extending the balcony and adding a small restaurant, where chamber music could be played in the summertime. He laughed at the miracle of it all, the simplicity of how things happen in the world, of how his seagoing days and nights, the endless blue journey towards the limit of all horizons, had arrived at this, the meaning of his life. He did not go out that day. Nor the next. He let the dreams bank up like snow. It was three days later when he at last allowed himself to go out, to walk down to the town and find out what had happened. He arrived at the bank just before closing and asked to check the balance in the account.

It was exactly the same amount he had started with.

He had to lean on the counter to keep from falling. The teller did not look at him, but kept her eyes fixed on the blue light of the terminal screen. Moses heard the water gurgling in his ears like laughter and kept staring at the figures on the docket until he could no longer hear or see anything. The vanity of hope and the mockery of all enterprise flooded through the sluice gates of his brain, bringing with them the hopeless realization that he was utterly alone and carrying away in a single instant any possibility of help. He gripped the counter he could no longer see, he felt his throat tighten and gag him, and then he fell to the floor with a soft thump.

It was seven days and fourteen tests later before Dr. Maguane could confirm for certain that Moses Mooney was blind. The procedures had been complicated by the patient’s inability to tell whether he could see or not; he sat before charts without a word and kept his blue eyes fixed so perfectly on the letters that at first the doctor was certain he could see them. He sometimes called out the letters with such accuracy that Maguane himself had to walk up next to the board and peer at the smallest of them to be sure that Moses was right. The whole business was complicated even further by the blind man’s declaration that he could see them perfectly clearly in his mind. The examinations of his eyes were not conclusive either, and it was only when Dr. Maguane saw the patient reaching for his fallen stick that he agreed to give the diagnosis and shatter the town with splinters of shared guilt.

When Moses Mooney was brought home to the cats on the first afternoon of his declared blindness, the balance in the opera house account rose by £600. The following week there were £400 more, and although it was still far short of the impossible goal, it was enough to send Moira Fitzgibbon of the Community Development Association to visit Moses Mooney by the fireside in his house and tell him the good news of how the people were responding.

What nobody knew was that although Moses Mooney had lost his sight, he had gained omniscience and knew already. On the vast seas of his blindness he sailed now, guided by no stars and not daring to dream. He sat in his house, with few visitors, and retreated to the warm exotic landscapes of his imagination. The world had no place for vision, he told God.

And yet something had lingered on. For, one year after Moses Mooney had awoken in his blindness, Moira Fitzgibbon had contacted the Italian embassy. She had heard of a touring Venetian ensemble sponsored by the embassy and phoned to ask them if they could play a concert in Miltown Malbay for the opera house fund. The woman from the embassy had never heard of Miltown Malbay, she sounded the name like Milano and told Moira to wait. When she came back on the line she said, Send a letter, we’ll see.

At any moment the plot might have turned in another direction, the lines left to dangle, disconnected, and the meaning lost. But Moira Fitzgibbon wrote the letter, and when the Italians wrote back, saying that they would not come to Miltown Malbay but would donate one half of the takings from the planned concert in Ennis, there was a sense of rightness about it, like the smallest part of an elaborate puzzle, the sense of things fitting and bringing the unlikeliest of moments together.

Two days later Stephen Griffin was asked in the staff room to buy a ticket.

7

Vittorio Mazza did not want to play in Ennis. He did not want to play in Ireland at all. The day after he arrived in Dublin with the other members of the ensemble, he woke in his hotel and saw with alarm the peculiar greyness of the light. He imagined the cause was the net curtains and drew them aside, only to discover with grim astonishment that the grey was the colour of the sky. A steady October rain was falling, the Dublin traffic was blocked in apparent perpetuity, and the people who moved on the city path below wore the downcast and mottled expression of desolation. Vittorio gasped with the awfulness of it, blinked his eyes, and opened them only to understand that he had arrived in the haunting landscape of his worst dream and that Dublin seemed to be the place that for sixteen years he had been calling Purgatory.

He lay on his bed and ordered room service. When it did not arrive, he was confirmed in his fears that the city was a kind of prison. The misery of the place was leaking in on him, the massiveness of the melancholia so potent that at first he thought he would not be able to stand, never mind play. He was the lead violin; he was Vittorio Mazza, he was fifty-eight years old and had been playing the violin for half a century. He had played in twenty-two cities in the world, and although he had never achieved any personal fame, he was known as a quality musician, and it was he who had been sought by the impresario Maltini when the Interpreti Veneziani was being founded.

Now he lay on the bed in his white shirt and wept. The dream of Purgatory had first tormented his sleep sixteen years earlier. It was May, his mother was ill, and Vittorio Mazza was in love with Maria Pecce, the beautiful wife of the baker Angelo. Due to the obsessive jealousy of the baker, who imagined no woman as beautiful as Maria could be faithful to the likes of him, the meetings of Maria and Vittorio were arranged with great difficulty and at odd hours of the day and night. Maria was known to everyone because of her extraordinary good looks and raven-black hair and had to slip from the bakery in a variety of scarves and coats, even during the furnace heat of that Maytime. When she came to Vittorio, she was often naked beneath her coat, and as he pressed her to himself, the vapours of fresh dough entangled with the scent of the rose petals that she scattered on her innumerable baths. He could not believe that she loved him, but ignored as best he could the muted voice in the back of his brain that it was really the music that had brought her into his bed. She had heard him play Rossini in the Gala at Easter, and the moment had fired her with such reawakened passion for the rapturous and infinitely tender quality of life that she could barely sit out the concert and wait until the violinist was in her arms. The passion between them was instant, and remarkable, for they didn’t tire of each other’s body but made a kind of hungry loving, as if trying to devour one another’s limbs and mouth and arrive at the essential stuff of the soul.

Vittorio knew the affair was doomed, but was helpless to escape. He knew he should tell Maria that he could not meet with her on the morning after his mother had taken another turn in her illness. He should have left Venice and driven to Verona. But when Maria came to his door, the look in her eyes erased his words, and his gratitude for the comfort of her breasts washed over everything else. Later, she lay like a dark cat on the pulled-back sheets of his bed and he played Schubert on the violin over her, not yet knowing that his mother had died.

When he found out, it snapped him like a Communion wafer. He met the anger of his sister’s eyes at the bedside of the corpse and knew at once there was a judgement upon him. He did not sleep for three nights; he lay in the bed like a ship moored in mid-sea and waited for the horizon of the dawn. He waited through three nights and then came downstairs in his mother’s house one morning to hear on the radio how the baker Pecce had killed his wife with a knife.

Since that night, Vittorio Mazza had lived sixteen years in the solitude of his guilt. He played music, but found little joy in it. At night he fell headlong into the same dream, over and over again. A grim place and a grey sky. Greyness everywhere. The feeling of wet concrete touching his face and the sense of his descending endlessly downward throughout the night, journeying down a slippery and rat-grey pathway where cold rain was falling.

It was, he knew, the condition of Purgatory that he carried around with him. It was the place his soul had fallen into, and much as he wished that sleep would one time bring him the warm and fabulous caress of Maria Pecce, in sixteen years he had not found it. He suffered the torments of his nights and woke exhausted into the light of the morning, like a swimmer surfacing from a great depth. The sunlight revived him, and he could move through the day briefly postponing his despair. But that morning, in Dublin, Vittorio Mazza awoke and looked out and felt the familiarity of misery smite him with the frightening awareness that the condition of his sin had deepened. This was worse than anything he had known previously. For the city, on that fourteenth consecutive rainy day in October, had taken on the air of a mortally ill patient, and under the persistence of the drizzling sky every man and woman seemed to Vittorio to wear the dulled expression of a longtime heartache. The grief of his own condition seemed to have leaked out into the city in the night, and made everyone and everything the cousins of affliction. Even the buses that shouldered with infinite slowness through the traffic past the hotel suggested the impossibility of hope and progress here, their engines thrumming a despondent music and the passengers, with their faces to the streaming windows, looking out on a journey that would last forever.

Vittorio lay back on his bed and pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes. He wanted to cry out, but rolled himself over until his face was pressed against the pillow. Why had he come here? He should have turned down the offer; how could he bear this desolate grey place? He raised his head and looked for the wine bottle he had bought the previous evening. He knew that it was empty, for he had emptied a bottle of wine every night before lying down for the last fifteen years, but he still searched the room for it, as if to confirm that it was morning and the umbrageous light was not the vivid dark of his dreams.

Vittorio Mazza lay on the bed in his Dublin hotel for an hour in an ooze of cold sweat. Then he rose and dressed himself quickly, his trembling fingers fumbling with the buttons of his white shirt. He did not trust himself to shave, for he was in too great a hurry. He had not unpacked and had only to put in his toiletries and draw on his thick black coat and silk scarf. Then he was ready. He wrote a short note to tell the others he had fled: “Sono tornato in Italia — lontano da questo Purgatorio,” and then slipped out the door with his violin case in his hand. If he hurried, he told himself, and shut his eyes in the taxi, he could be back in Venice by sunset.

It took two days before the consul from the embassy could discover for certain that Vittorio was gone. The first of the evening concerts had to be cancelled, and the ticket holders were turned away into the pouring night rain with the promise that the concert would be rearranged. They were not told that the lead violinist had fled their country in the appalling vision that it was the place of the damned. They took the news without protest, like a people used to disappointment, and walked off into the rainy darkness without umbrellas.

There was no funding for a replacement, and at a meeting in the gilt-mirrored room of senior consul Costanza, where the walls were painted in Naples yellow and the carpet was the blue of the Maytime Mediterranean, a decision on the fate of the ensemble had to be made. There was a file laid out on the polished mahogany table, containing within it the letter of Moira Fitzgibbon of Miltown Malbay. Then Isabella Curta, who was a junior secretary, told the consul that there was a violinist from Venice living in Kerry. Her name, she said, was Gabriella Castoldi.

8

Like Vittorio Mazza, Gabriella Castoldi had arrived in Ireland in the rain. It was the infamous hard rain that fell throughout the month of October three years earlier, when she had come on holiday in the small red Fiat of the poet Pollini. They had driven from Tuscany through the Brenner Pass and taken two weeks to cross France and arrive at last in the downpour of Rosslare harbour. They peered out at Ireland through the windscreen wipers and looked in wide amazement at the battered backs of warehouses and sheds. Pollini was twenty-eight and looked like a man who had fire for breakfast. His hair was blond, and the slow combustion of the poetry-making within him gave his face an expression of ferocity and desire. Only the backward motion of his head as he flicked his hair betrayed his arrogance, and as he steered the car slowly into the middle of Rosslare, he told Gabriella for the fourteenth time on their journey that he was not lost.

It was Pollini who had told her about Ireland. He had told her it was a wild and magical country, although he had never been there. He lay alongside her in the narrow bed in Eppi and, against the tacit waning of their passion, urged her to leave Italy and visit Ireland. He had discovered the richly fabled country through its poetry and read aloud in Italian the translated cadences of Yeats. He knew their loving needed rescuing and thought that they could move quicker than the failing of desire.

Gabriella was a teacher of the violin and five years older than the poet. She had two feckless brothers and no sisters. She had outlived both her parents, developing in the process of her days a severe measure of the world, against which everything fell short. She had an expectancy of grief and wore it in the soft pale circles beneath her eyes. No man had diminished that sorrowfulness in her thirty-three years, and it was not until she met Alessandro Pollini that she first imagined it might be possible to find someone who shared the innocence of her view that the world could be perfect. The poet loved her fiercely; she felt his glances were like silk scarves drawn slowly across her body, and it was not until six months into their relationship that she began to fear that it was her unhappiness that drew him. It was true, however. Pollini loved her for her vulnerability and had given himself to her in the vain belief that he could make her whole. He attended concerts she played in Venice and Verona, and sat mesmerized by the cold passion she brought to the music; she believed in rigour and rectitude, and while she bowed the notes of Vivaldi, her eyebrows met in a narrow frown of concentration that the poet loved. She played perfectly and yet, when the concerts were over, lacerated herself with the harshest of self-criticism, appalled at the slightest flaw and the injustice she had done the composer. Pollini was entranced by her. Or so he thought, not realizing that it was the intensity of his own reaction he loved, the quickened thrumming of his own heartbeat as he strode through the streets to the concerts. As a poet of twenty-five, he had been acclaimed widely for his first collection, Spontaneo. The praise had been so unexpected and so lavish that he had woken one morning believing he possessed a soul that was infinitely more sensitive and attuned to the sweetness of the world than anyone else’s. He got out of bed and carried his soul like a golden chalice. Then he met Gabriella Castoldi and was amazed at how moved he felt by the bruised and tender quality of her eyes, and offered her the chalice, thinking he would witness the miracle of her transformation under the power of such a love as his.

But it had not happened. He had courted her with freesias and poetry, and watched himself languishing in the tossed sheets, as if enacting a scene. When at last she had come to his bed, he had visions of roses bursting from the walls and wings growing from the backs of men. He imagined the air itself would take on the perfume of permanent springtime, and he kissed her with a passion that was beyond anything he had known. However, when, two weeks later, he watched her play one of the concerti of Mozart in the Palazzo Musica in Venice, he was struck like a blow with the knowledge that he had not yet loved her into happiness.

Now they drove into Ireland. They drove west along the southern coast in the great disappointment of that outrageous rain. (They did not know that the downpour was already on the point of ending, and that within four days the Gulf Stream would bring a freakish Indian summer that would last into November and make children and old men feel the winter was already over.) It was not only the grey skies that dismayed Pollini, for he had lived through grim Venetian winters; this was something more, a desolate quality he sensed in the grim houses along the roadside, as if they huddled there in the misery of all weathers, barely enduring. When he turned on the radio, he heard the news of a corrupted minister in Dublin, and that a woman had been strangled to death on a farm in County Meath. He wanted an imagined loveliness, a rapture that would make vanish the failings of their passion. He wanted fairyland, not this, and sped the car towards the coastline of Cork, taking the wrong way twice and stopping at a butcher shop where a dog gnawed a bone to ask what the number of the road was. Nobody knew. They told him it was the road to Mallow. He was flushed with embarrassment and sat back in the red car in a collapsed silence. His method in the world was straightforward; you proceed straightforward, you go after what you want, and when you meet an obstacle you ignore it, you go straight through it. Belief is everything. The world will surrender all its treasures if you bang down its doors. So he had raced the car forward in the failing light of late October and carried Gabriella Castoldi in a gesture that since time immemorial has been made against the waning of love: the flight to a new place. Pollini drove with impotent rage and passed through many small towns and villages, not noticing that he was moving constantly inland and away from the extraordinary beauty of the coastline, and only stopping again in the ten o’clock darkness when Gabriella suggested they should stay the night where they were, in a damp guesthouse in Mallow.

The following morning Alessandro Pollini awoke with a head cold. The pressure within him had begun to leak outward, and although the rain had already lifted and the day moved through a dozen different weathers, he knew that love was subsiding in his heart and that he had not the strength to stop it. While he laid back his head and closed his eyes in the passenger seat, Gabriella drove them towards Killarney and the mountains. He slept and woke all day, and by early evening, when they had arrived at a place that overlooked the dazzling crystal of the lakes, he had not the strength to go out for a walk. He went to bed and felt the love draining from him. He stayed in bed the following day, afraid to get up and speak to Gabriella, lest she notice the alarming and unstoppable emptying of love from his eyes. For three days afterwards, Pollini urged it back; he announced love to himself and flashed his looks at the mirror before going down to breakfast. But at last, on the bridge outside the triangular town of Kenmare, the relationship ended. Gabriella told him to go home.

It was a moment that would haunt him for the rest of his life. When she had told him that he no longer loved her, he had denied it. It was impossible to fall out of love like that; it was the place, it was the rain and the mountains, there was something oppressive about the country, about being there on that wet island in the beginning of autumn. It was a place of death. Love was doomed here. He did love her, more than anything. He took Gabriella’s hands in his and bent to kiss them, but she held his face instead and turned it to her. She told him she loved him still, but that it was over, and at that moment he shook uncontrollably and his tears flowed on the bridge beside her, knowing that it was true. Gabriella held him in her arms but did not weep. Then she made the decision that was to change inexorably the rest of her life and make the memory of that moment burn like a Roman candle in Alessandro Pollini’s mind fifteen years later, when he would return to Ireland to search for her memory: she told him to go back to Italy and leave her there.

She had decided to stay in Ireland.

(It was cowardice, the poet admitted later, when he was in old age and had three times married women younger than himself. It was cowardice that had made him not try to convince Gabriella to come back with him. It was the fear of considering too closely that new discovery, the unbearable reality of the emptiness of his own heart. He would have had to travel back across France in the small car, sitting beside the beautiful woman, with the dead child of their loving propped between them. Worse, he would have known it was he who had killed it.)

Pollini left Ireland the next day to return to Italy, and Gabriella Castoldi remained in Kenmare. It was not something she had planned to do, and she did not for the moment have any idea what would come next in her life. She wrapped a long coat about her and went walking about the town. It was a quiet place in the autumn, with the mountains rising on three sides and the Kenmare River running swiftly towards the unseen Atlantic. Mists lingered in the mountaintops, and on a windless afternoon descended to the town, enveloping it as in a fairy tale. The day after the poet left, Gabriella walked around the triangle of the streets of the town. She looked in the windows and bought herself two apples in the small greengrocer’s near the bank. The shop belonged to Nelly Grant, a fresh-faced woman of sixty who looked like forty, wore green fingerless gloves, and believed in the healing powers of fruit. She herself had come to Kenmare from England twenty years earlier, and viewed lone visitors in the autumn with a knowing look, understanding in an instant how easily the mountains and the mist seduced them into never leaving. Nelly Grant knew when she saw Gabriella that the town was enticing her. She had seen the man leaving in the red Fiat and imagined she could detect in Gabriella the ashen look of the end of an affair.

“These please.”

“Two apples? Anything else, dear?” Nelly paused, she let her eyes look over to the far stall, where she had a basket of ruby grapefruit, whose bitterness she knew was the perfect antidote to heartache.

Gabriella did not get the message, and the shopkeeper did not press it. For although she had come to believe completely in the restorative powers of the proper fruits and nuts, and had even converted a great number of the local population to the sweet figs of Portugal and the bottled olives of Morocco, she sensed that Gabriella was not yet ready for the suggestion, and simply slipped a free clementine into the paper bag with the apples.

It was mid-afternoon when Gabriella left the shop and walked out of the town. She already knew the roads and took the rising curve in the direction of Killarney, walking to meet the descending mist and the mesmerized mute faces of the sheep, grazing the grass edges for eternity. Cars slowly passed her. The light was thin and pale, there was a washed translucence in the air, and the feeling of it touching her face was like the tears of someone else. The views into the valley as the road rose were colour-washed with fallen cloud. There was a hush like a blanket, and Gabriella imagined she was walking in the secret landscape of dreams. It was a timeless place. There were no houses, no sounds but the running of small streams, streaking the rock and grass of the mountainsides and gleaming like elvers. Water crossed the road and fell over the edge down into new streams that arrived at last in the lakes below. She walked on. She walked as if the walking itself carried her nowhere and the action of her footsteps was merely a gesture, like treading water, to keep herself alive.

The afternoon in autumn so quickly married the evening that the light that lingered one moment was curtained with darkness the next, and before Gabriella at last stopped on the road from Kenmare, she was moving in a damp, impenetrable blue, with only the scattered lights in the valley below visible. She stopped and stood, eight miles from Kenmare, in the October darkness. She had eaten the apples, and her hand in her right pocket held the clementine. Her hair and face were wet, her heart ached for the lost loving of the poet, and she imagined him in a narrow berth belowdecks on the ferry crossing the English Channel and vanishing from her life. She wanted to cry out and fall down, but instantly attacked herself for being so weak, and instead ate the clementine and walked back towards the town.

The following morning she walked even farther out of Kenmare. She took two apples and two clementines, and when she was twelve miles from the town she strode off the curving roadway and made her way upwards through the old trees and the dying rhododendron until the mud had painted the bottom of her dress and her hair was flecked with pieces of fallen leaf. When she was exhausted, she stopped and sat upon the trunk of a fallen ash tree, looking about her in the cool shade of the slanting mountain trees, dizzy with the sense of the world below her. She sucked on the green air, and sat in the undergrowth of the Kerry mountains. She did not move in that motionless place and imagined how long she could remain like that, and how long it would be before the birds might forget she was living and land on her limbs like a tree. She held her breath and put her hands outward, as if expecting gifts. She held them outward so long her fingertips ached, and then her wrists weakened as though they were incapable of holding up any longer the burden of living.

Then she turned and saw a deer six feet away from her.

She did not move, and the deer didn’t either. His head was at an angle and his nose lifted into the new and strange sweetness of the air. He had found her scent a mile away across the mountain and tracked it to here, and now did not know what to do. Gabriella allowed herself to do nothing but smile. Briefly there was no sound, then the stillness of their being there was filled with the thousand minute noises of the turning world, the haw of the deer’s breathing, the ephemeral vapour of its presence on the mountainside uncertain as a vision, and the sound of its flanks heaving. The deer moved its right foreleg and the ground crackled tinnily with the stuff of ancient twigs and pine needles beneath the deep mulch of a hundred years. The deer lowered its neck and nosed the ground where Gabriella had walked. She saw its great muscle flex beneath the brown hide and knew the strength of the animal. She imagined the animal’s massive turn and bound and flight away through the mountain forest, the crash of alarm its charge would signal as it climbed farther and farther from the green stillness of that moment that was like a deer’s dream of paradise. If she moved, it would take flight and run until it arrived at last high in the mountain to drink the clear running water of safety.

But Gabriella did not move. She was enchanted. She closed her eyes a moment and felt the coolness of her eyelids and saw the green shadows dancing beneath them. She pursed her lips to taste the moisture of the mountain forest and knew for sure that she was not dreaming. When she opened her eyes, she saw the deer eating the coiled peel of the clementine. It was a moment which she would long remember. She would remember it as the mysterious beginning of healing, the untranslatable language of God speaking in nature and stopping the world in a green moment.

The deer lifted its head and looked at her. Somewhere a bird flew and the last leaves of a high tree quivered with its presence. The mist drifted like a veil across the little opening where Gabrielle was sitting. The deer looked away, and then back again, as if deciding that the strange figure of the woman might be companionable, and doubting for the briefest instant its own instinct of fear. Then, slowly, moving on the point of haste but not in haste, tempting the vision to transform and frighten it, but knowing that it would not, the deer walked away. It was three minutes before it vanished and Gabriella stood up.

“Grazie,” she said, and began the slow wet journey back down the mountain.

The following day Nelly Grant knew that Gabriella did not need the ruby grapefruit and offered her instead the fortification of bananas. Bananas ensure us against the suddenness of violent emotions, she told the Italian woman, and put two in her bag with a conspiratorial smile. Gabriella was carrying her violin case, and when Nelly asked her was she going to play, Gabriella said, “I need a lot of practising.”

That afternoon she played Vivaldi in the small clearing among the trees where she had met the deer. She did not expect him to return, and he did not — at least not so that she could see him — but she played nonetheless, making the notes move through the changeless frozen time of that beautiful place where only the air and the trees listened. It soothed Gabriella to play. She played for an hour; she played with a flowing motion in her bow and heard the music reach a point so near to perfection that even she could not find the smallest flaw. Above the treetops the broken pieces of the pale sky glistened like glass. No clouds were moving. The air was scented with pine, and the stillness of that secret place shimmered with the music.

When Gabriella had stopped playing and returned down the mountainside, she had decided she was going to stay and live in Kenmare. She did not yet know how or for how long, but as she walked along the black road back to the town and felt the rain coming in her face, she knew the decision was irreversible.

It was three days before she got a job in the vegetable shop of Nelly Grant. By the time the summer arrived and her skill on the violin had been discovered, she was invited to play three evenings a week before the great fireplace in the mustard-coloured lounge of The Falls Hotel. It was there that Isabella Curta, junior secretary of the Italian embassy, had discovered her, and been so moved by her playing that she had written down the name Gabriella Castoldi, and was able to recall it two years later when Vittorio Mazza fled back to Italy.

9

On the first Friday of November, Stephen Griffin did not know that his life was about to change. He had long given up the vanity of supposing that life was something you could plan, or that wishes and desires could be achieved. For years he had lived in a kind of ghostly nowhere, a place of continuing days and nights whose only feature was its own unremarkableness. He expected nothing, and opened his eyes each morning in the back bedroom of the small house by the sea, uncertain as to whether he was among the living or the dead.

This was nothing new. He had a facility for living with ghosts. As he grew up in the house of his father, he had grown used to encountering his mother and his sister in the shadowy corners of the past. It did not frighten him, and he soon understood that the treasured moments of his family’s loving remained undiminished and unvanquished despite the passing of time. Indeed, it was the sweetest of sorrows, and when he was alone in the house as a young man and startled himself with the sudden vividness of a certain moment — his sister, Mary, coming down the stairs with the doll Philomena — he discovered that the grief was assuaged by the understanding that for some things time does not pass, it recycles.

Life in that house in Dublin had taught him to cherish the company of the invisible. When he went to university and began to study history, it was the now familiar presence of the disappeared that attracted him. He sat in the glass-fronted room of the library and lost himself with the ghosts of the previous three hundred years. He kept his head down and his eyes moving on the pages, but his mind took flight, and soon even his body was elsewhere, a fact noticed only by old Murtagh, the ancient librarian assistant, who himself had long ago vanished into the books of Thomas Hardy. The power of language was a conjuring magic, it magicked doors in castles and courtyards, and through them Stephen entered. He was the student humped over in the library, reading the books until the night porter came round clearing the tables and sending him home. When he rose and walked out into the glitter frost and million stars of the Dublin night, he was walking with others in a different place. He had abstracted himself from the world so thoroughly that by the age of twenty-one, when he was in his final year, he hardly needed the book to be open for him to slip into the past.

He was a quiet fellow. He did not go to the dances on Friday nights, nor heed his father’s urging to go down and sit with the others in the students’ bar. So solitary was his life that Philip Griffin grew fearful that his son had been overprotected since the trauma of the tragedy and would never emerge in the plain daylight of the world. He sat downstairs and worried, while Stephen lay in the bedroom overhead with a book propped on his chest. It did not bother Stephen that no other student was like him. He passed the summer exams, and within two years had read every university book of merit on the subject of European history at the turn of the century. His face grew pale as paper; his eyes had the peering expression of the myopic, and his lips thinned and grew light-coloured, as if they had never tasted fruit.

He lived in books, and by the time he was ready to graduate with honours from the history department of University College, Dublin, his complexion was delicate and radiated the grey light of imminent illness. In May of his final year he stood in the doorway of his tutor’s room, and Dr. Margaret McCormack realized that he was almost lost to life. She had seen students almost devoured by the study of history before, but it had always been temporary. Usually they reached a point — often in April — when the sudden sweetness of the sensual world swept over them. Their books became weighty and dry in the perfumed air that spun and dazzled and was blown about with almond blossom.

But for Stephen Griffin it was not like that. For three years he had sat in the lecture halls and quietly taken his notes in longhand. He handed in his papers on time and worked through the brightening days of spring, barely lifting his head when the brilliance of the May sunshine made his pages too white for reading. None but his father had told him to stop, and even Philip Griffin surrendered, imagining that his son knew better than he what was needed for a university degree.

So, in the last weeks of his final year, Stephen stood in the doorway of his tutor’s room and told her he was hoping to be accepted for the master’s degree, and then the doctorate. Dr. McCormack looked at him and then looked away. The sunlight flooded into the room through the window behind her, she could feel its warmth pressing on her back.

“Doctorate?” she said. “I see.”

“Yes,” he said, hanging there in the doorway, his eyes gazing downward, as if he had just confessed a crime.

Dr. McCormack had to hold her breath. She had been teaching for twenty years in the second-floor room which was the reward for her own schoolday acuity at history, a permanent office. And she despised it. But she was fit for nothing else; she knew it, and knew that each day she moved further along the dull inevitability that had been her life since she came to college to study history. There in the sunlight she looked at the pale man with the white face and thin black hair. He was transparent. There was about him such a pitiful shrinking from life that it caused a lever to release in Margaret McCormack and the truth of her own lifetime of withdrawal, timidity, and ungrasped opportunity to be unloaded with a crash upon her.

“The doctorate, yes,” she said, and touched the stilled flowers in subdued yellow that decorated her dress. The sun was two warm hands on her back. She felt her own dust falling in the air.

“I’m hoping you’ll give me a recommendation,” said Stephen.

That’s not what you’re asking, thought Margaret McCormack. You’re asking for an escape, you’re asking to be allowed to slip in here to one of these box rooms where you can gather books on the shelves and turn the pages of students’ essays until they tap on your shoulder and say next year is your retirement.

Margaret did not answer him at once. She felt a varicose vein on the inside of her left leg begin to throb, and turned from him and sat down.

“Thank you for telling me,” she said and, looking down at the coffee mug that held her pens, added, “I’ll certainly give it my consideration.”

In fact, she had already decided. By the time Stephen was walking down the green carpeted corridor to the library once more, Margaret McCormack had made up her mind that Stephen Griffin was to be saved from her own fate, and that the rejection he would feel when the letter came telling him he had not been accepted into the program would in fact be the coded message of her own mercy ushering him forward into the world. He was worse than she, she thought; he was a book. And only twenty-two years old. She sat at her desk after he left and felt a sense of mission. It’s everything he wants, but only because he cannot imagine facing the terrible realities of the world. He does not really want it, she thought, it is fear. She touched the small drops of perspiration that had arrived on her top lip. She knew what it was like to have no gift for small talk and feel the alarming sense of being the only person unable to relax into a fragment of conversation or idle a moment with a colleague on the stairs. She had recognized herself so acutely in Stephen Griffin that she could not bear it.

She picked up her pen and wrote a letter to the head of the department outlining why she could not recommend Stephen Griffin for the master’s program at this time. She finished the letter as the sun was moving from her window. Then she put her head on the desk and softly cried.

By midsummer of that year, when Stephen had been turned down for the master’s program, he received an offer of a place for the Diploma in Education course. He was so astonished by the rejection that he did not think clearly of the possibilities of his life but enrolled with the narrowed vision of those who have lost confidence in their future. One year later, he emerged from university a teacher. It was not a career he seemed suited for; at first he read from the textbook and lost the class, and it was only when he stopped reading and looked down at the pupils that he suddenly realized he was building a wall between them and himself. He stopped reading in class after that and began a new, risky tactic: talking the history out, telling it, unwinding the moments as if they were the first slender threads of a long, deeply entwined rope that led, impossibly, all the way back to that very moment in the classroom, the very instants of their breathing there in the school. And somehow it worked. Somehow the seriousness of him, the undiminished intensity of his focus, won over the classes, and the brightest followed him while the weakest looked away in dreams.

10

Stephen Griffin had bought the ticket for the concert when Moira Fitzgibbon had brought them into the staff room at breaktime. Every teacher had taken two, and although he had no intention of going himself, never mind the impossibility of bringing anyone, he had taken a pair of tickets and put them in the pages of Ireland since the Famine. Half the staff were not intending to go either, and some of the men unknowingly mirrored the behaviour of the boys outside by teasing each other about who would be interested in classical music. They threw the word “culture” at each other like dried dung. Their laughter proved their distance from it. It was a thing for the women. But they bought the tickets anyway, to give them to their wives or put them on the windowsill, for Moira Fitzgibbon had a forbidding sense of mission as she stood among them. She was not slow to remind them of the sorry fate of Moses Mooney or to make them feel an uneasy guilt at how many of them had singularly failed to teach her anything and how the failure of her Leaving Certificate examinations in six subjects was the single most unmentioned achievement of the school in the past fifteen years.

Stephen did not intend to go to the concert, not because he disapproved or wanted to distance himself from the notion of such music in a place like west Clare, but because there would be people there. Then Moira Fitzgibbon pressed the tickets into his hand. She was a small woman of thirty-three who had, since leaving the school, become a leading member of the Community Development Association; she knew her mind, but not books, she told the other members on the night of the first meeting, asking for all business to be read aloud and excusing herself by explaining without embarrassment that the education system had taught her nothing and she was taking night classes in reading.

Stephen finished school and went home at four o’clock. The wind was blowing and the forecast was for worse. The darkness was already falling into the sea. He sat in the front room and turned on the radio. It was four hours before the concert and he had no intention of attending. With the music on the radio and the muffled company of the dark sea outside, the room was an island in November and he was soon asleep. It was the way he finished every schoolday in winter, drowsing in the corner armchair into a forgetfulness, like slipping through the back door of the world. His dreams were not fretful or anxious but a changing tapestry of recollection and mild invention, which was in fact the history of his heart. His head lay tilted to one side, and his white face looked painted in the deepening shadows. If he had died then, there in the armchair, the world would have moved on without him with little pause or regret, like a winter army leaving the long-suffering wounded to fall behind in the snow. He was a casualty of circumstances, and as he sat slumped in the chair, with the music playing and the sea breaking in the wind outside, he had no idea that rescue was at hand.

Stephen dreamed he was a child on the stairs. He was standing on the small landing where the stairs turned, and his mother was downstairs in the kitchen cooking. It was only when he looked down that he realized he had legs, for he seemed frozen and was unable to move even when Anne Griffin called out his name and his sister, Mary, came running past him with her doll Philomena. He heard his name being called again, and then saw the long, slim figure that was his mother appear at the bottom of the stairs and say to him, “Stephen, are you coming down?” And still he could not move. The wallpaper with its printed flowers in yellow and gold seemed to give way beneath his hand as he reached for something to grasp, and then there was music playing. It sounded like a cello, like the simple cello music Mary made that swam around the house and was soft and easy, and still he could not move his legs, even when his mother said again, “Stephen, are you coming down?” And he wanted to, wanted with all the desperation only dreams can hold, as he saw his mother walk away into the kitchen and heard the music grow louder and louder still, swaying the stairs, the hallway, the house itself, until he had to turn his head and let out a cry and open his eyes to see the darkness of the room about him.

He lowered his head into his hands and felt the filmy sweat of his dream.

Then he heard the music.

It was coming from the radio. It was a Mozart quartet. Whether Stephen had heard a fragment of the music as he was sleeping or whether he had dreamt it, the strange synchronicity of its playing to the tune and tempo of his dreaming was a manifestation of something. He sat up in his armchair and felt strangely that the music was for him. Whatever makes the world move moved the world then for Stephen Griffin. Whatever causes the drear of ordinariness to shake and be dazzled with brilliance, until the illumination changes forever the shape of the thousand moments that follow, it dazzled then. Though Stephen did not quite know it. He listened to the piece until it was over and then heard the announcer on the Clare station say it was the Interpreti Veneziani, who were playing that evening in the Old Ground Hotel in Ennis.

One hour later he was driving past the night fields of Inagh in the ten-year-old yellow Ford that was the only car he had ever owned. He drove with a kind of jerky, quick-slow motion, pressing on the accelerator and letting his foot off again at each bend, until the car slowed and he pumped it again. It was a style of driving that sickened any passenger but had become so habitual to Stephen that he hardly seemed to notice the way his foot pressed the pedal as if it belonged to a piano. Foot on, foot off, the car seemed to row forward like a yellow gondola, pressing and easing against some invisible current that was flowing ceaselessly against him in the darkness.

He drove on with music playing in his head. His face was a white moon pressed forward over the steering wheel. Wind buffeted the car. Bits of hedgerow and black plastic flew through the beams of the headlights. The wipers smeared the spits of rain each time they passed and made the car blind and seeing in turns. The night was breaking up, and Stephen had to grip the wheel hard to keep the car in the centre of the narrow road. He drove until he saw something coming against him; it too motored down the centre of the road, which fell away at a slope into the running murk of the ditch on both sides. When the two cars were close enough to threaten crashing, they veered over and with a mad gaiety swished past each other before retaking the centre once more. Sometimes the drivers managed frantic salutes as they flew past, desperately trying to keep from knocking off the wing mirrors.

The journey was dark. The road wound wildly across bogs that stretched away into the fallen night and soaked in the rain like parts of a vast sea creature. Soon the rain that was blowing across the front of the car was blowing directly at it. And still Stephen pumped the car forward, lurching it towards the destiny he did not know was as simple and momentous as falling in love. He was in a state. His thin lips were dry, but his face was wet. He kept thinking of the music, the music playing like that, and the dreaming and the music becoming one. The car radio had never worked and neither had the fan; so he imagined the music playing, and to its even tempo rubbed at the windscreen with his sleeve. Not that he could see. He was travelling a wet blackness that might have been circling upon itself like a tail, but still he pressed on.

He was unlike himself with the fierceness of his intent. But with the mysterious illogic by which one instant of life becomes charged with passion, he would not surrender or turn back in the rain for anything.

On the passenger seat beside him he had the tickets for the concert. He glanced over at them and in that moment made the car veer sharply to the left. The wheel hit the top of the ditch and he thumped his head against the fabric of the ceiling a half dozen times before he was able to bring the car skidding back into the slick centre of the road.

And across the other side, to crash nosedown into a ditch.

God.

11

Sitting up in his bed and grinning as the fierce teeth of the Atlantic bit off the slates above him and flung them a hundred yards into the fields, Moses Mooney told the cats not to worry. Thomas and Angela were curled in the warm place where his knees bent in the blankets, and he stroked them blindly as he spoke. The black cat called Angela purred and turned her head in against him. The important thing, he told them, was to realize that the future was indestructible. That no force could arrest it, and that it proceeded with the same relentless and undiminished energy as the sea itself.

“You can’t drown if you are born to die in your bed,” he said with a giddy glee, raising the great tangle of his beard to let out the laughter like birds. “Nothing stops the future. Oh no,” he said, “indeed no.”

The rain quickened like a pulse beating against the window. The night thrashed about with the growing storm, taking the salt from the sea, until even in the thickly curtained bedrooms and kitchens of Miltown Malbay the air tasted of bitterness and disappointment. It was such a night. The stars had withdrawn behind the many layers of the gusting clouds, and there was no moon. Only wind and rain. Moses Mooney nodded his head and patted the cats to reassure them as the window in his bathroom flew open and he felt the breath of the sea coming in about him. “Ha ha, smell that,” he said, and raised the eyebrows of his blind eyes to catch what he knew was the scent of a storm in Brazil moments after he thought he had drowned for the third time. Here it is, he thought. Here is the shaking up of the world.

“Go on. Go on,” he said.

Then the lights went out.

Moses Mooney knew it, though he could not see it. He heard them going off in the town and thought that the darkness of all his neighbours was a symbolic blindness and a token of God’s sympathy for him. They were all to share his vision, he realized, and lay back against the pillows, which were wet now like tears. It’s black for miles around, he told the cats with mixed comfort and awe, catching a glimpse at the same instant of that elsewhere which he alone saw, where Stephen Griffin had crashed the yellow car into the black bog water of the ditch on the road outside Inagh. And in that dreamlike and vivid moment of clairvoyance, Moses Mooney saw the collapsed figure of Stephen Griffin, and he clapped his hands together in the bed, relishing the wild improbability of all plots before reaching out and patting the cats in the darkness.

12

Moira Fitzgibbon was late. She had already been to the Old Ground Hotel twice that day to make arrangements and meet the quartet when they arrived from Limerick. She had learned a few phrases in Italian in honour of the visit and listened to the music of Scarlatti and Vivaldi for two weeks. When she stood in the lobby of the hotel to meet the musicians, she felt her head spinning. They shook her hand and stood, smiling with the strange complicity of those brought together over music. Any fear or dread Moira had felt passed like a grey bird and left her feeling she herself had wings. When the musicians went to their rooms, she drove back to Miltown Malbay to cook dinner for Tom and her two children, but afterwards watched through the back window above the sink as clouds advanced in across the Atlantic. She washed the dishes and prayed. She prayed first that the storm would not come; then, when the first black bullets started falling, prayed that it would not be a real storm, that it would pass over.

By the time she had collected Aoife Taafe, the babysitter, and set the two girls in their pyjamas in the sitting room and said good night to Tom, who was heading down to the pub, Moira Fitzgibbon was half an hour behind herself. A week earlier, planning the evening, she was already back in Ennis by now and Tom was minding the children and it was not raining. Now she hurried out of the house into the gale, and when she sat into the car she let out a cry at the ferocity of the world outside and the mad bouffant of her hairstyle. Then, as her car was moving out into the street, the lights in Miltown Malbay went out. She knew her children would be crying and Aoife running for the candles, but Moira Fitzgibbon drove away anyway, drove out of the darkened town with the tight fervour of a pilgrim, and rocked herself slightly forward, as if her own momentum might aid the car or the wind carry it onward like a sailboat.

A mile outside Miltown Malbay the darkness was thickly fallen. The fields were the fields of childhood nightmares, whose cows and sheep blew off the edge of the world in hurricane and tornado. Wisps of barbed wire had come undone from the fenceposts and whipped across the road in the wind. Plastic bags, drink cans, stuff blew from nowhere and danced. Then the rain thickened and beat faster than the wipers. Why? Why is it like this? Moira Fitzgibbon asked. On the one night, the one night. Who would go out on a night like this? There’d be nobody there. God, Why?

There was no answer from the heavens, but there were red smears on the windscreen, and when the wipers cleared the rain she saw the red backlights of the crashed car in the ditch ahead of her.

13

Stephen did not realize rescue was at hand. He was at the bridge of his life without knowing it and sat stunned in the rainy night, unable to move. His head hurt, but not badly, yet he could not free himself from the fierce grip of the dream of dying. He imagined he was his mother and his sister. He was in the car they drove that afternoon so many years ago, and this was the crash, the suspended moment when their lives had stopped and dreams perished. This was the instant the world had become immobile and deaf and mute, and the darkness had fallen in like earth on a coffin. He imagined with terrible clarity the anguish of it, the sheer and merciless shattering as the other car came crashing in on them, the jerking backward of his mother and Mary, and the cries; if there was time for cries. Stephen imagined it as he sat there in the crashed car, and he could not move. He felt the steering wheel, but it seemed unreal, and the pallor of his hands upon it was the lone white thing in the darkness.

I cannot move, he thought. I cannot move from here.

And if the car had blown up and burned there on the side of the road, Stephen Griffin would have burned with it and not regretted it, surrendering to the ceaseless prompting of his life that grief triumphs on earth and that all our plots unravel in the end.

But then Moira Fitzgibbon arrived. When she pulled open the car door, the rain lashing down on her head made freakish streaks of her hairdo and the taste of her makeup washed into her mouth. She spat and called out, but Stephen did not move. He was like a deep-water swimmer uncertain whether to kick for the surface and kept his eyes looking at the long-gone world where the spirits of his mother and sister were so close it made him ache.

“Mr. Griffin, is that you? Do you hear me? Mr. Griffin?”

There were mudspatters on Moira’s stockings, the heel of her left shoe was loosened, and the navy-blue outfit she had bought for the evening of Venetian music was soaked against her back. She had no idea why the sky had fallen in or why hers had to be the car to first come upon the crash, knowing that she could not drive past it although everything in her had wanted to. She understood nothing yet, but cursed God and cursed the weather and cursed Tom and the west of Ireland and the godforsaken roads like this that were full of holes and went on for miles and made this man crash in front of her.

“Feck it. Feck it. Oh God, forgive me, feck it. Mr. Griffin! Mr. Griffin!”

She cried out his name, as if he could help her understand. She looked out the back window to see if help might be coming, but saw only the emptiness of the dark fields unrelieved by light or hope in the harsh, starless wind. She said Stephen’s name loudly again, and then, as she reached in to shake him by the shoulder, her knee touched something on the passenger seat, and she discovered a fragment of meaning and held up close to her face in the darkness the tickets for the concert.

14

Gabriella Castoldi, Paolo Mistra, Piero and Maria Motte were already sitting at the front of the concert room in the Old Ground Hotel by the time Stephen Griffin arrived there with Moira Fitzgibbon. He was still in a daze and passed up the red carpeted stairs of the hotel unsure in which world he was walking. When he had felt the woman’s hand on his shoulder in the car, he had imagined at first it was the buffeting of the storm. Then she smacked his face and turned him towards her. He remembered her: the woman from the staff room, the woman they said afterwards was the dimmest pupil the school had ever had. He remembered her. Moira shook him from himself. They had gotten out of his car together and were blown along the road to hers. When they sat into it, Moira turned the heat full on and they drove towards Ennis in a gusting tropical balminess that dried their clothes and hair stiffly and made the rain-run places of Moira’s makeup look like the tracks of ancient tears. She was taking him to the hospital, she told him, even though she would be late for the concert.

“I want to go to the concert,” he said. He said it very calmly, without looking at her. He was stooped forward towards the windscreen, with his black hair fallen over his right eye. “I want to go to the concert.”

(Later, when he was sitting at the fire in the house by the sea, listening to another storm blowing in across the invisible horizon of the nighttime, Stephen would wonder back to that moment and smile at the strange and unknowable conspiracies of the world, how the notion of the concert had become a resolve and how the night had almost blown him off its edge before the woman pulled over. He would read it for its meaning, and glimpse in that evening the shape of the world, a puzzle so intricate that not even the millionth part of the outer edge of its frayed pieces is discernible until so much later. Then it would make sense to him, and he would understand that the journey to the concert was the beginning of the most important journey of his life, and that the moment he insisted on going to the concert, he was acting out of a blind foreknowledge that told him it was the right thing to do, supposing that rightness was something that existed for every moment of every life and that the possibilities of humankind were so myriad and tortuous that knowing the right thing to do and then choosing it were the longest odds in man’s history. But just then in the car Stephen had chosen; and later, to that moment, like an old explorer fingering the route he had taken across the unknown, he would trace all his happiness.)

They drove past the hospital to the hotel. Moira talked. She told him about Moses Mooney; she told him she wasn’t sure why or how she had become involved in the concert; Stephen had probably heard of her in the school, she said, she was too stupid for them to teach her anything, so it was the last thing she expected to be doing, running a concert of Italian music in Ennis; she had two children for goodness’ sake, and Tom is back in Miltown Malbay now, sitting on a high stool and telling jokes about how his missus is off having a bit of culture. “Agri or horti, that’s his joke,” she said. “That’s what he says, because I’m thick. He thinks that’s a great joke. They get you to do it because they don’t want to do anything themselves, Tom says. Why are you running it? he says.

“And I can’t answer him. Especially when you see a night like this and you think you’re mad. You’re just mad, Moira. There’ll be nobody there and you’ll be walking in like this in a state with your eighteen-pound hairdo looking like a wet monkey’s backside, and four Italian musicians looking at you wondering why in the name of … I’m talking too much, I’m sorry, Mr. Griffin, I always talk too much when I’m nervous.”

“Stephen.”

“Stephen. Sorry, Stephen. Would you open that? See is there lipstick in it?”

The carpark was full. Moira bumped the car onto the footpath outside and then apologized to Stephen for forgetting he had just had an accident. When they got out of the car the rain was not falling. The ivy on the front of the old hotel was lit with hidden lamps, puddles glistened with reflection, and the slick black of the tarmac might have been the low waters of a canal in Venice. Or so Moira imagined. She raised her head as Stephen lowered his, and they strode forward with the brief invulnerability of the rescued.

At the front door they heard the buzz of people and the strains of the strings playing. For an instant, they imagined the same thing: that their watches had stopped and time had moved on without them, the concert was about to end. But by the time they had reached the doorway at the top of the red stairs, it was clear that the musicians were only warming up their instruments, and Moira Fitzgibbon blinked tears of gratitude, seeing the throng of people waiting in the rows of high-backed dining chairs and realizing that there was something fine and good and true in their being there, and that the bringing of the music and the people together that was the dreaming of old Mooney was worth the price of her hairdo, the ruining of her new suit, and the enduring of fatigue, hardship, and mockery.

In the delay, Councillor O’Rourke had seen his opportunity and taken Moira’s position at the front of the room. He was a skeletal man with a sharp nose and the largest Adam’s apple in Clare. He was a man who believed in men, as long as he was leading them, and derided Moira Fitzgibbon for her bluntness and well-meaning, and for not being at home. He held his nose high and smiled with narrow squints of his eyes, turning the immaculate whiteness of his soap-scented hands and letting only the rise and fall of his gorge betray how he disliked the company of his constituents. He was about to announce the opening of the evening’s concert when the figure of Moira Fitzgibbon appeared. He lifted a white hand and let the dismay suck and plunge in his throat. Bloody woman!

“Moira.” O’Rourke mouthed her name without sounding it and smiled thinly as she came through the room. Stephen Griffin sat in a chair towards the back, and Moira Fitzgibbon walked away from him, minding the loosened heel in her left shoe and taking the nods and greetings of the audience, who, she realized with a flood of warmth and thanksgiving, were the people of Miltown Malbay, dressed in their best and looking at her like a friend. When she reached the podium at the front of the room, Councillor O’Rourke stepped aside slightly and hovered. Moira turned to the musicians. “I’m so sorry,” she said, “there was a man crashed off the road.” She motioned towards Stephen with her head; it was the smallest movement, but the musicians looked down into the audience all the same. They were already feeling the extraordinary electricity of that room, the heated expectancy that fanned upwards towards them. It was as if they were bringing music for the first time to a country long deaf and only recently healed, as if the notes they were about to play were the ancient medicine of youth and happiness. The Italians sensed it in the air like the presence of white birds; Paolo Mistra fingered his cello and felt the sweat running across his left wrist and down inside the cuff of his white shirt; Piero Matte moved his neck to the right before placing his violin and found the cords of his muscles were tightened like a boxer’s. Gabriella Castoldi looked down; she too was astonished, the simplicity of these people sitting there, the generosity of spirit, a man who crashed off the road and still came to hear the music? Tonight, if ever, please, God, she thought, may I do the music justice.

15

Life is not simple, nor love inevitable. Stephen sat with his hands on his knees and his head stooped over. The black thinning mop of his hair fell forward, and when he looked down he saw the thick mud on his shoes from when he had stepped out into the ditch. He moved them back beneath the seat as if they were evidence against him, obscure proof that he was a misfit. It was a common feeling for him. He didn’t quite fit and, knowing this, took it with an embarrassed acceptance, as if it were an unsuitable birthday gift that could not be returned. So he sat there waiting for the concert and kept his head low between his shoulders.

Then the music began.

It began with pace and rhythm. It swept into the air like a bird with four wings, as the four musicians bowed their strings and released the notes that had been gathering within them all evening. The music flew through the room and filled it with a kind of sweet breathing that rose and fell in the breasts of the audience. They were mesmerized at once. The musicians played beyond themselves, and within instants of beginning they knew it was a concert they were to remember years later. They dared brief glances at each other; Paolo Mistra looked up from the cello into the face of Gabriella Castoldi and saw the light gleaming from it. They were playing Scarlatti’s Quartet in C minor, and by the time they had reached the allegro the warm air of the long room seemed to be dancing in white shapes above them. The room grew warmer each minute. (Kiaran Breen startled himself by standing up in the middle of the audience to look towards the window and see if it was not in fact morning and the sun was coming up.) In the middle of the third piece the audience started taking off their coats. Briefly they jostled in their seats and then lay the coats across their laps, so that from the front of the room their bright blouses and blue and white shirts looked like spring in Italy. The music transported them. Every man and woman was already in some Italy of the mind, and the storm of the November night blew outside with all the fruitlessness and ineffect of a government warning. When they had finished playing the Vivaldi, the people swept to their feet and let their coats fall to the floor. They applauded loudly and with such frantic joy that Piero Motte felt tears spring up in his eyes. With the applause ringing in the high chandeliers above them, the musicians looked at each other in bewilderment. The room was balmy with delight. And when the people sat again for the slow and romantic melancholy of the Puccini, they were pillowed on a deep and heartfelt gladness. Eamon Waters took the plump and warm fingers of his Eileen’s right hand and held them in his lap. Smelling the deepening scent of her perfume rising in the heat of the room, Jack Nolan at fifty-seven kissed Margaret Mungovan on the side of her neck and only barely kept himself from telling her he was ready to marry again. (It did not matter, for she knew it already, and when the music began once more, she allowed her head to lean against his shoulder and let him know in the silent language of perfume that she wanted his arms around her.)

In the back row, Stephen Griffin held his face in his hands and stared at the woman playing the violin. He, too, had been taken from himself by the music; the music offered an invisible opening to another place, and through it, like a secret river, flowed the frustrations, sorrows, and ceaseless longings of everyone there. For each of them, it became the music of themselves.

By the time the Puccini was being played, Stephen found himself looking at no one but the slender figure of Gabriella Castoldi. Even when she was playing the quick fluttered notes of the Vivaldi allegro her expression remained one of frowning intensity. The bow flew back and forth across the strings like a sweet yet almost unendurable torture. Stephen looked at the woman whose name he did not yet know and his heart raced. The air in the room wavered with warmth. Men and women closed their eyes and, in the minor pause between notes, swallowed hard the emotions that rose within them.

Then, suddenly, it was over.

The last note was played and the music stopped. There was a pause, a long beat in which that Venice of the mind lingered in the hot humid room of the Old Ground Hotel. There was a held moment of nothing, of silence, as if no one who sat there wished to embark on the home journey, to emerge once more in the November rain. Nobody moved. (Later, Piero Motte would swear that when he looked down at them, every single man and woman had wet faces and suntans. He would tell his aged father in the pasticceria in Burano that in the old music they had revealed a new invention that night, a kind of heart travel, he would say, that took them all, tutti, to the place of Vivaldi — which is not Venice but Vivaldi himself. They did not applaud, he would tell his father. They could not.)

And how long passed before the first hands clapped could not be measured in time. It was a slow awakening, full of reluctance and dawning amazement, like sleepers rising from the most sensuous dream. Men raised their hands to clap and felt the dampness under their armpits and across the shirts on their backs. They stood and noticed they were in their stockings, and had slipped off their shoes earlier, in the mistaken certainty that they were sitting by the waterside. The women clapped their hands beneath their chins and felt their own air fanning them back from dizziness. Councillor O’Rourke, who had slipped out at the beginning of the concert to attend to mobile-phone calls, now stepped back in the door on the wave of applause. He smiled, raised his head to show his throat, and held up his hands to applaud so that Moira Fitzgibbon could see him clearly.

The possibility of an encore vanished in the wave of people spilling forward towards the small stage. Stephen did not move; he stood applauding and lost sight of the musicians as the crowd swelled about them. He angled his head to see the woman better, but she had stepped off the podium and was lost to him amidst the jostle of the Miltown Malbay people. His mouth was dry, his eyes burned. In his chest his lungs seemed to have collapsed. He could not breathe. He felt as if he had been struck in the throat. There was a moment when he thought he would fall down; then he looked up and blinked at the chandeliers and was able to move quickly from the room.

Once he made the doorway, he could move faster, and took the red carpeted stairs three at a time, hurrying down into the lobby like a man escaping a fire.

The cool dark dampness of the evening after rain was like a blanket thrown over him. Now he could breathe. He walked out of the grounds of the hotel and past the pulling-away cars and the dazzling lights of the homeward bound. But he did not want to go home, he wanted to walk, to keep moving until he could travel all the way back into the feeling of the concert. He walked around the shut shops of Ennis and heard the music of Venice in his mind. Stephen Griffin walked, mute, beneath the moonless sky. It was two o’clock in the morning and he was six miles out on the Inagh road. He had been walking for four hours and not once lost sight of the face of Gabriella Castoldi.

16

Stephen did not go home that night. He walked as far as his car and sat inside it, certain at first that the sensation he felt when he got in was that of sinking. Rain had softened the world; the scar where the car had ploughed into the ground was opened like wet lips. Stephen closed his eyes and expected slow decline into the sucking soft mouth of the bog. Soundlessly, the lemon car eased to the right; he felt the gradual collapse and tender sighing like fire sizzling into water. Then it stopped and the car sat there.

It was still sitting there at eight o’clock the following morning, when Patrick Mulvihill passed in his tractor, supposing it to be the abandoned remains of some young lad’s drunken evening, until he saw the figure of the teacher sitting behind the steering wheel.

It took Mulvihill six minutes to tow the car from the bog. It was Stephen’s second rescue.

“There is no such thing as stillness,” he said to Mulvihill, when the car had been pulled onto the road and the farmer had come back to unhitch the rope. He was a short man in a thick coat, his grey face was a balled newspaper. His facial expressions were so crumpled it was impossible to separate them more than: Wrinkled, or Very Wrinkled. He gave Stephen Very Wrinkled, and amidst the lost, closed-in folds of his red face his green eyes glinted.

“She’s all right,” he said, smacking the bonnet of the yellow car and ignoring the driver. “You took her too fast round that bend on the greasy road. Made terrible rain last night.”

“I’ve been sitting here all night wondering what to do,” Stephen said.

“The rain’s gone, but the road’s still greasy.”

“How do you know what to do? God, I don’t. I didn’t think that … I never expected. It’s not what you … well, maybe for some. But I’m not that kind of man. I just …”

“You don’t notice it in a tractor, with the heaviness.”

“I want to see her again,” Stephen said.

“But in a light car like that. She could slide right off easy enough.”

“I have to. I have to see her again.”

Mulvihill paused; he made crinkled lips and raised his face to where the light was breaking on the far side of Ennis.

“That’s exactly right,” he said, and reached down to untie the tow rope. “That’s exactly right,” he repeated, and then walked back to his tractor.

“Goodbye now,” Mulvihill said over his shoulder, climbing into the cab and throwing in the rope beside him, puttering off down the road towards the dawn, disproving once again his brother’s belief that he needed a hearing aid, proud of his conversational skills, and certain that the younger man had no idea he was deaf as a stone.

17

Stephen’s life had already begun to change. It was too soon yet for him to know outright, he was a cautious man and too long accustomed to his own unremarkable history to suppose his life could catch fire. He did not yet sense that the fluctuation in his heart rate, the fuzziness of his hearing, and the sweetness of tart apples were the early signs of love. He was disturbed, he was upset; he admitted that much, and knew too that it was because of the woman with the violin. But just as one day he had accepted that no sleep was deep enough or dream powerful enough to bridge him to the next world and meet the lost half of his family, so too Stephen Griffin had long accepted that he was to be alone. Imagining love is real makes life hard, and so he had instead moved it beyond the history of his future, leaving it rolled up and put away like a scroll of fairy tales in the farthest corner of his heart. Now, on the morning after the concert, it was not love he was thinking of. He was not thinking he had to see Gabriella Castoldi again so that she might see his face or speak to him, find an attraction in the timidity and melancholy of his character, that she might fall in love with him; it never entered his mind. Instead, he thought that the desire that was running along the arteries of his arms, that was tingling in his fingers and making them beat softly on the top of the steering wheel, was only the desire to hear her play the music again.

He drove into Ennis. The shops were not yet open, and the narrow streets had a desolate air of aftermath. The chip-bag and beer-can litter of tawdry romance was strewn along the gutters of wet footpaths. Dogs roamed and sniffed the dead butts of love talk and other promises and pissed the walls and moved on.

Stephen parked the car by the River Fergus, hurried across Parnell Street and down through the empty market to the Old Ground Hotel. The wet air woke his face and gave him a polished rawness like a fruit thinly skinned. He walked in the front door and past the reception, bounding up the stairs, as if some mission was balanced on the point of failure and his smallest of worlds could only be saved by arriving on the first floor.

The doors to the concert room were closed, and when he held on to the cold metal of the handle, he was astonished by the heat of himself. He stepped into the room; it had not yet been tidied, and the chairs, pushed back in lines slightly askew, spoke more of the leaving than of the concert. Stephen moved to his own seat and sat down. He put his hands under his chin and stared up at the empty space where the Italians had played. He closed his eyes and sought the image and the sound of them; he sat there in the low susurrus of the muffled morning traffic, the distant clink of china and cutlery downstairs, the squeak in the chambermaid’s trolley moving down the hall, the tramping of the hundred schoolchildren and the shopkeepers and their customers, the steady unstoppable noise of the small town with lorries and vans and buses and cars, and in that galaxy of sounds he listened for the music of yesterday.

What it was about the music he couldn’t say. He didn’t know the simplest of all mathematics, that the potency of the relation was in direct proportion to the needs of his own heart, that man plus woman equals both nothing and everything, that the factors of love are hope and chance, and that the million variables between two people depend more on the second than on the first.

He sat in the room, but was unable to re-engage the spirit of the evening. He tried to hum himself into it, and was sitting there humming, a tall man who had not slept all night, his hands clutching his knees, his shoes muddy, the bottom of his trouser legs dark with water stains, and his eyes closed, when Margaret Meade stopped hoovering the top stair of the red carpet and looked in the door. She was forty-seven years of age, had fallen in love twenty-two times, fourteen with men she had never spoken to, and recognized at once the signs of a serious fall.

“Hello, love,” she said.

Messages are everywhere, if only we can read them. Margaret was a woman who knew the whole history of hope in love; she knew the front and back pages of each volume in the library of lovesickness. She knew the music Stephen hummed was more than music and that the rocking in the chair was his way of tunnelling back into the moment when he had seen the woman; it was his way of being close to her. She knew how the heart fooled itself, how the forced muting of the loudest emotions travelled through the body itself and found expression in pimples, bumps, lumps, diarrhoea, cramps, vomiting, sweats hot and cold, dry mouth, toothache, rashes of every kind, itchiness, general flakiness, and fourteen varieties of trapped wind. (Once, she had loved a married plumber from Tulla so intensely that, knowing she could not tell him outright, her stomach swelled to nine-month pregnancy, and to carry the hugeness of her attraction she had to wear maternity clothes for two months; notwithstanding, she continued dismantling the central heating pipes by night so that he would return daily and she could watch the place she loved on his backside where the low sling of his jeans didn’t meet his shirt. And all for love.) Margaret Meade could have told Stephen so much, but he was not yet ready to listen, and the message and the moment passed. She stood inside the door and watched him rocking and humming in the chair. There was a kind of beauty in it, the hopeless and desperate figure he cut at half past nine on a Friday morning; she was moved by it and glad she had worn the darker stockings that made her legs look younger than her face. She drew herself up ever so slightly and touched her hair before calling to him again.

“Love?” she said, and then smiled.

Stephen jumped up from the chair. He licked at the awful dryness of his lips, then quickly took from his left-hand pocket his ticket to the concert.

“There it is,” he said, looking at the ticket like some rarity he had mislaid, and keeping his eyes firmly on it as he paced across the concert room and out the door past Margaret Meade.

She watched him go. “Oh, love,” she said softly, and then picked up the hose of the hoover and dragged it into the room, whose dust she knew was richer now for the feelings that lingered there.

Stephen left the hotel no better than when he had arrived. He walked down the curve of O’Connell Street still holding on to the ticket. He loped along as if he was going somewhere. He was thirty yards up the street when he noticed Nolan’s music shop, and he went inside and bought the only Vivaldi disc there, a cheap version of The Four Seasons.

Then he had something. He had something tangible of the evening and felt an easement of the pressure of desire, knowing that once the music was playing, once he could sit and listen to it, Gabriella Castoldi would be with him again.

But she was already. She was there waiting when he arrived at the small house by the sea. She was there in the roundabout road he took, avoiding Miltown Malbay and the school and coming in secret to his own house; she was there in the very fact of him feeling that he should take the phone off the hook and not answer the door; she was there in the trembling of his hands as he put on the disc and pressed Play, as he sat in the seat that looked westward into the sighing sea and heard the first notes with the volume turned up loud enough to make the music system tremble. She was there. She was not playing the music, but was the music. And Stephen Griffin set it to Repeat even before “Summer” was midway through, even as the downrush of the strings made wildflower meadows of the air and the life of every leaf and blossom gathered, pulsed, exploded with free riotous expression, until the room itself was mid-season July and the fullness of the music scented everything and made beat the dry and dust-filled corners of the world in which he had been living. He had never heard music quite as he heard it then. He did not know the sharpness of his own senses or the tenderness that poured through his ears. He watched the sea and listened to Vivaldi, moving his head backward and forward to the rhythms of the strings, until at last, in the ninth “Spring,” his eyes were closed and he was standing up, his whole body conducting the energy and passion of the music into the deep places of his heart, where only now he was beginning to admit that he had fallen in love. He was too afraid to think it. He was too certain that the moment the walls about him were breached he would not be able to bear the incipient grief and loss he associated with love. He was certain, too, she could not love him. But the music played on, insistently beating on the vulnerable hidden-away part of the soul that longs for the sweetness of another person like the sweetness of God. He wanted to see her; God, he wanted to see her again, and with the despair of that unfilled desire and The Four Seasons like a wild clock advancing Time so swiftly that years of the heart passed, he brought his hands to his forehead, cried out, and sank into the armchair by the window.

18

When Moira Fitzgibbon arrived outside the house, she heard the music playing and knew that she was right to have come. Once, she would have surrendered to the protocol of respectability and would not have called on a single man; but with each new day she emerged more as herself and felt a growing confidence in the intelligence of her heart. She had been right about the concert, the people had come, and that morning there was radiance and astonishment on the streets of Miltown Malbay. Word of the concert had arrived almost ahead of its audience, and by the time the lights had come back on with the return of the first car, the town already knew. Those who had not gone to the concert accepted the news of its success with silent dismay; but during the night they washed their consciences in a deep salty sleep as sudden showers blew in off the sea and swept through the damp bedrooms like a scouring God. The wind ran through the town and gathered all spite and bitterness, so that in the morning all awoke full of unanimous praise for Moira Fitzgibbon. The begrudgers had disappeared, transformed into the good citizens of earnest support who made it their business to mention in Hynes’s, Galvin’s, and other shops that they had so enjoyed the music. Moira had been right. She brought the profits from the concert to the bank to lodge them in Moses Mooney’s account and there met Eileen Waters. When the principal congratulated her, Moira felt a surge of weakness and water in her eyes, but shook her own sentimentality free with the knowledge that a day earlier the same woman would have crossed the road rather than meet her.

“Well, when you believe in something,” Moira said.

“Yes. Oh, that’s right,” said Eileen Waters. “Absolutely right.”

“You don’t like to just give up on it.” Moira let the phrase linger a moment and, there in the bank, collected another of the small victories that were becoming common for her. Was it her imagination that made the November street seem brighter, livelier, that morning? was there dazzlement falling? was there an all but imperceptible lift in the air that made men seem to move more lightly from their tractors or salute across the erratic hotchpotch of parked cars in Bank Place with a broader sweep of their arms? Were the twin babies of the Kellys ever laughing like that before? Moira wondered, sauntering along the footpath. Was it always like this, and she had failed to notice? As if enlightenment was a condition of Miltown Malbay that noontime, harmony seemed everywhere. People had their best day. They were illumined with an inexplicable sense of things being right in the world. Their own ordinariness seemed majestic, and in all the coming and going of their everyday shopping and conversation, from the market to the post office, from Galvin’s to Hynes’s, they were like the townspeople in paintings of towns and villages of long ago, when time was slower and everything more innocent.

And it was the concert. Somehow it was, Moira Fitzgibbon told the dashboard of her car, and drove to Stephen Griffin’s house, where she had seen the yellow car earlier and knew that he could not be working.

She heard Vivaldi playing when she opened her car door and stood, allowing her heart to understand the situation before moving up to knock. She knocked four times to no answer and looked up at the clear sky without discouragement, as if it were the next white page of the story only just coming to her; then she walked around the back and let herself in.

“Autumn” was playing, that slow collapse of notes that made the air itself seem to fall as Moira stepped inside the back kitchen. Once she arrived in it she knew she had trespassed some intimacy, that the simplest sights and smells of the domestic disorder were private revelations, and that the stack of unwashed dishes in the sink, the opened cartons of sour milk left by the windowsill, the grey smudge that was an ancient sponge, the dusty cobwebs like netting across the corner of the ceiling, these were each as vulnerable and naked expressions of the heart as rough, raw, first-draft poems. She knew more about Stephen Griffin with each step, and held herself briefly in the kitchen until the myriad impressions had flown into the farthest corner of her mind. Then she called his name.

“Mr. Griffin? Oh, Mr. Griffin?”

He did not answer, and Moira walked slowly from the kitchen to the door of the sitting room. Everything about that minor journey — the condition of the carpet, the faded greyish quality of the wallpaper, cool as old skin when she touched it, and the swell of melancholy in that movement of the music that was tangible in its pain and dying — made her afraid. When she put her hand on the door and moved it ever so slowly open, she was inseparable from her own visions of television women detectives arriving on the scene of murder.

She eased open the door and put her head around it first. Then she saw him: Stephen Griffin, poleaxed, lying back in the armchair with his head turned to one side. His right hand conducted in a slow waving. His eyes were closed; he did not sense her beside him, and even when she said his name again with some alarm, nothing happened. Then Moira pulled out the plug of the music system.

“Mr. Griffin?”

Stephen opened his eyes. He did not want to.

“Mr. Griffin, are you all right?” She was standing over him. She did not ask him if he was injured or ill or if he wanted to get up; she did not suppose that he had been drinking, nor that a sudden seizure had knocked him back into the chair. Moira Fitzgibbon was more intelligent than that. The knowledge had gathered in her before she had to think of it.

“I said I’d call in because of tonight,” she said. “I have a complimentary ticket for the concert in Galway.”

19

Stephen took the ticket. Of course he did. He took the ticket as if it were a hand reaching down to him and drove the yellow car to Galway that night to hear Gabriella Castoldi play Vivaldi in the Town Hall. By the time he had arrived in his seat, his inner organs had each contracted into tight balls of anticipation and he carried them like a bag of stones inside the tight sweated cotton of his shirt. But when the musicians came onto the stage and Gabriella lifted her bow to the first note, the stones dissolved and everything was forgotten. He could breathe. There was a scent of lilies in the air, and as the concert continued, this time he did not take his eyes from the slender woman with the sorrowful face. He looked at her throughout. There was something about her face, he thought, something there in the places beneath her eyes, in the washed and drawn pallor of her skin, the smallness of her mouth, which was turned so minutely downward, the furrow in her brow as she frowned over the instrument and gazed down along the strings as if looking for evidence of the impossible. She is as fragile as the violin, he thought, and thought of the mesmerism of her sadness and how it merged into the notes. He loved how she played and loved the sorrow, too, seeing some part of himself reflected in her, the way lovers do.

Since Stephen Griffin had abandoned the idea of romantic love, he was not even aware of it emerging like translucence on his face, sweetening his tongue, and giving him the strange radiance of saints. He was not aware that Paolo Mistra and Maria Motte, across their cello and violin, could notice it, or that Gabriella herself recognized him as the man who had crashed his car and was now placed like a yellow light in the fourth row. Stephen did not think of these things. He was aware only of wanting the concert to continue indefinitely, of feeling the uneasy combination of peace and longing battling in the lower regions of his stomach.

When the interval arrived he realized his clothes were wet, but not that the man and woman sitting next to him had been soaked also, nor that the scent of lilies was emanating not from the stage or the perfumed ladies of Galway town but from between the fingers of his two clasped hands. He wondered if he should get up, if a walk around the foyer might dry him off, but when he moved his feet forward and saw the extent of the stains behind the knees of his trousers, he sat still while everyone else moved. He was so intensely in his own world that the ceiling might have fallen on him and white angels descended and he would not have moved but waited for the concert to resume.

The second half passed dreamlike as the first. When it ended the audience stood to applaud, and fanned the scent stageward. Standing quickly Stephen felt his head become a stone; its weight nearly toppled him, he lost the balance of himself as though the world he stood in was suddenly tilted now. He looked down, he opened his mouth to suck in the air, he reached for the back of the seat in front of him and then raised his head to look at her before she left. And for the briefest moment, a semiquaver, the slightest note in the music of what happens, he saw Gabriella Castoldi see him standing there.

Then she looked away.

20

And nothing more.

No words, no greeting, no meeting after the concert. A shambles of desire collapsing steadily in upon itself.

And some form of all this Philip Griffin read in his son’s position on the chessboard that long night while Stephen slept with the queen in his fingers.

“God, Anne,” he said, “it’s worse than I thought.” He lowered his head, and his bald pate caught the streetlight and flashed like an orange moon falling to rest on Stephen’s arm. The size of his son compared with him made Philip’s desire to cradle him in his arms first awkward and then impossible. He could not even reach around the girth of him in the armchair, and comforted himself with the small gesture of taking Stephen’s free hand. The other one was still holding the chess piece, and the father knew enough not to disturb it, for it might easily be the branch his son clung to, keeping him from drowning altogether in the other world of dreams. He knelt there on the carpet and took his son’s hand. Pools of a clear black sadness kept filling inside him, for he imagined it was hopeless, because everything about Stephen was, and that hopelessness was Philip’s own. He could not look at his son without feeling that the difficulties his son faced in the world were the failings of himself, that every pain and hardship Stephen endured were caused by some lacking in Philip, and that the true measure of the progress of manhood is the ruthless exposure to all fathers of the indefensible vulnerability of their children.

He could see the future the way one sees accidents half-moments before they happen. He could see his son’s heart breaking, and wanted to cry out against it. But he did not. Instead, he knelt and kept his head down against Stephen’s hand, feeling the heat of desire still burning away in the skin, the raging inside him as he alternated between struggle and surrender, rolling his head, moaning, humming fragments of music and waving the chess queen like a slow-motion baton to the orchestra of dreams.

“What’ll I do, Anne?” Philip whispered, for she was standing not far away from him. “What’ll I do?”

He did not raise his head to look at his wife; he did not need to. She was more vivid than seeing could make her, and her advice was more audible for being silent.

It was not yet dawn. But the slow high hum of the milk van outside signalled the beginning of morning. Once, the clinking of bottles being delivered had woken Philip Griffin by Anne Nolan’s side, and daily he had kissed her the kiss of good morning while she slept on and he sat and slowly stood to look out the upstairs window at Tom Boylan and his son slipping in and out of the gardens with empties and refills. It was not the kiss of the passionate or raptured, it declared no intent further than the ordinariness of loving her, and most often she did not respond to it in her sleep. It had become to Philip Griffin the milk-bottle kiss, the beginning of a new day, a motion reflex of his heart so natural that years later, when the milk bottles had been replaced by clinkless cartons and Boylan’s son only sometimes took his father on the rounds, Philip Griffin still kissed his wife with the delivery of the morning.

He heard the footsteps in the leaves beneath the chestnut tree in the garden and thought, young Boylan slips over the wall of MacMahon’s next door. He can do eight houses that way while the father gets to drive the float at walking pace past the sleeping houses. The footsteps moved quickly up across the grass, and the single carton was left by the door, then the figure of Eddie Boylan moved across the opened blinds towards Lynch’s. Only when he had gone, and with him the fleeting memory of the morning kiss, did Philip Griffin try to stand up, only to find that his knees had locked.

“Shaggit.”

He couldn’t move. He pressed down on the armrest beside Stephen, but wasn’t strong enough to raise himself; he was trying for the third time, cursing his knees and the absurdity of age, when the queen fell from his son’s fingers and Stephen woke up. It was a moment before the startling reality of Stephen’s dreams disappeared and he saw the old man kneeling beside him.

“I was getting something. You dropped it,” said the father. “Shaggit, I can’t get up. Feckin knees.”

There was a pause, Stephen didn’t move. He rubbed his eyes, he felt the dryness of his lips and saw the chessboard in the half-light by his father’s head. Then, as Philip Griffin raised the queen in his left hand as an explanation, Stephen supposed he had only closed his eyes for a millisecond, that the chess game was still continuing, and that the extraordinary journeys on the humpbacked hills of his dreams where he had been looking for his voice had been an illusion so condensed that in fact no time had passed. He stood up and bent down. Philip Griffin clasped onto him. His son’s hand was damp with ardour, and as Philip was pulled to his feet, his heart sank further with the certainty that he was to live to oversee more failure and grief.

“God Almighty,” he said, when Stephen had straightened him. He still held the queen in his right hand, but once he was standing he handed it to his son like an embarrassment he was glad to be rid of, and then announced he was going outside to get the milk for the breakfast.

While Stephen replaced the queen in the vulnerable position in the centre of the board, Philip opened the front door and stood outside on the step. He looked down at the carton on the mat and reminded himself to remind Boylan to put it on the windowsill instead so he wouldn’t have to bend for it. He looked at the deep blue of the sky that was not yet lit with morning and felt the chill of the winter ahead on the small hairs at the back of his neck. He had imagined this would be his last winter, the cancer would finally overtake him, and he would not be sad. Or so he had thought. But now, standing there on the threshold of the house of his life and feeling the thin crisp quality of the air — the polished and brittle stillness of that Dublin morning that he knew would harden daily now until it became the brutal relentlessness of iron — Philip Griffin knew that he must try to live on for Stephen’s sake.

“God, Anne,” he had whispered when she had told him. He reached his hand to touch the red brick of the house to steady himself. Oh God. He heard her tell him again, more softly this time, as if she did not understand that the very gentleness of her spirit made him want to be with her all the more. She was the most tender woman, and while he stood with her on the doorstep he knew that more suffering was required before he could join her for eternity in heaven. No, he couldn’t die and be with her yet. He stood there and looked down at the milk carton; he felt the V of cold where his cardigan exposed his chest, and he measured in a single look the distance between standing and lying down.

The first cars passed along the road towards the city, and the soft whoosh of their passing emphasized the absence of possibilities; once, he could have gotten in his car and driven into Clery’s, stitching anger, loss, and mysteries into the hems of trousers and knowing that briefly they were resolved as he fit another man into the world. Now there was no escaping, but as he stood on his doorstep and felt the morning, Philip Griffin told his wife that she was right and that, in the strange physics of love, the weight on his heart would be lighter for carrying Stephen.

He bent and picked up the milk carton. He went into the kitchen and called Stephen in to join him. He boiled the kettle and made tea in the half-dark of the dawn, picking cups from the sink and rinsing them lightly while Stephen stood between dreams and waking, waiting by the table. Then, as the light was coming up across the back garden, both men sat down in their positions like pieces in a chess game, saying nothing, but dwelling in a gentle quietness that was as comfortable as old blankets and gathering themselves for the long game of Love and Death that lay ahead.