Ask More: The Power of Questions to Open Doors, Uncover Solutions, and Spark Change

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BRIDGING QUESTIONS

Bridging questions connect with people who are wary, reluctant, hostile, distant, or menacing. These questions begin by getting people talking, in hopes of establishing rapport, perhaps even trust. These questions may work subtly and over time. They are framed to encourage and reinforce. They are deliberate, and at times manipulative. They can be questions without question marks.

The Comforter: I like your shoes. Where did you get them? You’re a Giants fan—what do you think of the season so far? Start out by establishing a rapport. Hit the pleasure center in the person’s brain by making reference to an interest you share or an expertise you acknowledge in the other person. Express respect and validate where appropriate. Start with questions that may have nothing to do with the topic at hand. Then work your way to the harder questions.

The Reward: That’s interesting. I never thought of it that way before. Affirm or express the other person’s point to validate and encourage further conversation. Use a short affirming phrase that does not actually endorse the other person’s behavior or belief. A lot of people feel that way. People given a reward will often unconsciously return the favor. Rewarding what someone just said may encourage more information or discussion.

The Question Without a Question Mark: Tell me more. Explain that to me. These “questions without question marks” turn a question into a request. Saying “tell me more” sends a signal of acknowledgment and validation because you have, in essence, accepted the predicate of what that person just said. You want to learn more. Wary people may feel isolated and unappreciated. Expressing interest and requesting explanation can frame the issue as legitimate rather than as a point of contention or accusation.

The Echo: It was SHOCKING? You fed TWO HUNDRED people? You say he HUMILIATED you? These questions are exclamation points and question marks rolled into one. They are a product of careful listening. They echo a single word or phrase you just heard that suggests a significant observation or experience. They almost always prompt the person to whom they are directed to pause, go deeper, and explain further. If you hear something surprising, significant or new, or if you hear a word that holds surprise or emotion, echo it back, without comment or embellishment.

The Reinforcer: Is this what we’re talking about? Is this what you mean? Reinforcing questions seek to validate and draw out. In posing the question, you acknowledge the other person’s stated or unstated sentiments. If your child says, “It’s not fair that my brother gets a bigger allowance,” a reinforcing questioner would not ask, “Is that why you stole the money?” Instead, the questioner might say, “You think we favor your brother. Is that what we’re talking about? Is that what we’re talking about?” Experts say you’re more likely to get more of a response and an accurate statement of the facts (even a confession) with this technique.

Listen: Because bridging questions reach across a chasm of suspicion, listen for information or for references that offer clues as to why someone is angry, alienated, or aggrieved. Listen for detail, description, and mood. Listen for expressions of wariness, blame, references to others, attributes and expressions of power or menace. Listen for shards of information you can build on, one small piece at a time. That’s how you build the bridge.

Try: Put together a list of ten questions you would ask a person who is distant or wary. Design your questions purely to get the person talking. Ask about the weather, things you observe, the music in the distance, anything that might represent a common thread. Start with open-ended questions. How are you doing? What’s going on? Be prepared to listen and make eye contact. Find someone to ask—your rebellious teen, a resentful cousin or the homeless lady you walk past every day. Remember, you’re aiming for conversation, not for miracles. You build this bridge one question and one answer at a time.