Battleborn: Stories

THE ARCHIVIST

There was no salve for the space he left. If there had been—if science had developed an ointment for heartache or a pill for the lovelorn—I wouldn’t have used it. I wanted pain. I wanted cataclysmic anguish. For that, our old ritual.

So every night I’d get home from my job as a clerk at the public library and draw a bath with water as hot as I could stand. On the kitchen chair beside the tub I’d put a cheap bottle of cab, a book, a pack of cigarettes, a joint and a sleeve of peanut butter cups I’d bought at the Winner’s around the corner, where I bought the wine.

One night, especially plowed, I called my older sister, Carly. I told her Ezra and I were through. I said, “For real this time,” which I said every time. She said she’d be right over. “Bring the baby,” I said.

I waited for Carly in the bath, drinking wine from my blue-flecked enamel camping cup. Once, Ezra called the cup my cowboy mug, and with him gone I couldn’t stop seeing it that way. I felt insufferably rustic whenever I drank from it, and yet I didn’t stop drinking from it. That’s what he did to me: permeated, saturated, submerged me in him. Now, I submerged myself. I surfaced, took a cigarette, and breathed him into my foolish hungry lungs.

I started smoking the night we met, when Ezra stood up from the bar where we’d been playing video poker, said, “I’m gonna go outside” and put two fingers to his lips, that smoker’s sign language. It looked like he kissed them softly, the thick pads of his fingertips. I had a good man at home, waiting for me. I said, “Me too,” followed him outside and smoked the first cigarette of my life. I was twenty-six. The street was dark except for a Winner’s down the road, glowing like a beacon. Ezra leaned in and gave me a light. Then he pushed my hair back from my face. “I give this a week,” he said. “You?” “Two,” I said. “Tops.” He smiled this absolutely lethal smile and we smoked silently against the quaking of the freeway and the darkened machinery of the recycling plant across the street. I asked my boyfriend to move out the next day. I knew then that I would follow Ezra anywhere he’d let me.

Carly let herself into the apartment and called for me. The baby squealed. Carly lost one of her fallopian tubes to an ectopic pregnancy when she was my age. Between that and her husband Alex’s reversed vasectomy, my niece is a regular miracle. I love her more than a person ought to love one thing.

My sister came into the bathroom and said, “Oh, honey,” her face creased with empathy. She set the Miracle on the floor beside the tub and surrounded her with pastel toys, which the baby ignored. The Miracle played exclusively with adult things. Keys. Eyeglasses. Cell phones. Just a year old and already she was a severe child.

Carly had lately taken to gathering the Miracle’s feathery blond hair into a ponytail at the top of her head, a hairdo which resembled nothing more than the sprout of a cartoon turnip. The Miracle seemed not only aware of this resemblance but appropriately suspicious of it. She eyeballed me where I sat in the tub.

Carly discreetly removed the wine and pot from the chair. She left my cigarettes, the peanut butter cups, a National Geographic and the cowboy mug, which I discovered was inexplicably, disappointingly empty.

I listened to her in the kitchen, recorking the near-gone bottle and placing it on top of my refrigerator. “Red wine contains resveratrol and antioxidants,” I called to her. “It’s good for the heart.”

Carly returned to the bathroom and sat on the closed lid of the toilet. She crossed her legs and unwrapped a peanut butter cup. She looked like our mother, sitting that way. She had our mother’s legs, her long fingers. She touched her mouth the same way our mother did in pictures. Our mother was a beauty and an alcoholic. She died when I was ten and Carly was fifteen. She drove drunk into a power pole near Reno High at ten o’clock in the morning. For as long as I can remember, my sister has wanted to be the good mother we never had.

Carly folded the peanut butter cup in two and offered half to the Miracle. “Don’t tell Daddy,” she said.

“Thank you!” said the Miracle.

Carly said, “You’re welcome!” Then, “I know you miss him, Nat. But you can’t stay in the bath smoking pot for the rest of your life. You’ve got to keep moving. Get a hobby. They’re starting a volunteer docent program at the museum. That would be perfect for you.” She nibbled the edge of her peanut butter cup. Carly had never met Ezra.

“I’ll think about it,” I said.

“Do,” she said. “Meet me for lunch. I’ll introduce you to Liam.” Her boss. Single, she’d mentioned more than once. She gave my foot a chipper little pat. She was happy to have a project.

Ezra and I lasted a year, barely. Every night, I would unlock my back door and get into the bath. I’d drink, read and wait for him. Some nights he never came. Those nights I would stay in the bath until the water got cold and there was no more hot water to warm it. On nights he did come—often from somewhere that left his pupils big and his hands trembling—he’d let himself in through the back door, come into the bathroom, touch the top of my head and sit on the lid of the toilet. I’d prop my foot on the faucet and he’d silently loop his index finger around my big toe. We’d read—me National Geographic and histories and remarkable true stories of people surviving plane crash, shipwreck, avalanche; him the local newspaper and slim volumes of plays. We’d talk and he’d roll us cigarettes. In flush times he would roll me joints too, with little strips of paper rolled up in the end so that I wouldn’t burn my fingertips when I smoked them. Ezra was mostly into booze and coke. He didn’t smoke pot unless he was already especially fucked up. This was also the only time he ever said he loved me.

Weeks passed, and I moved though the world perpetually bewildered, in the way of the shell-shocked and the heartbroken. Some days I did my best. Eventually I even met Carly for lunch, as promised. I waited for her in the gallery, where I was reminded why I disliked art museums in general and the Nevada Museum of Art in particular. The rooms were too well lit, and I didn’t care for the way sound behaved in the place. There was a rooftop terrace where Carly hosted cocktail parties for members and prospective members. It was bloodless. My high school friends had their wedding receptions up there.

Car and I walked to a deli and ordered Reubens. At one point, and out of absolutely nowhere, she said, “Liam went to Yale.”

“Cool,” I said, through a mouthful of dressing-sogged rye. Carly looked at me for a moment, pained, then plucked a translucent shred of sauerkraut off my chin.

On the way back through the courtyard, we passed a sculpture I’d never seen before. It seemed to be made from a hundred arcing pieces of soft gray driftwood, all delicately fitted together and balanced in the perfect form of a horse. It looked as though I could push it over. I loved this about it. “Touch it,” said Carly. I did, and immediately realized that it wasn’t made of wood, but of bronze patinaed to look like wood. The branches I’d thought were carefully interlocked were welded together. Just then, Carly called across the courtyard.

Liam was good-looking in a way that indeed suggested Connecticut. He was lean and jaunty, though he’d obviously made some effort to coax his hair into a state of semi-unruliness. Carly introduced us, then said, “Well,” and retreated swiftly inside.

Liam smiled and removed his hands from his pockets as if just remembering some childhood reprimand about having them there. I struck the sculpture with the heel of my hand, and the blow made the hollow sound of a bottomless well.

“Carly says you have an art degree,” Liam ventured.

“I thought this was wood.”

“It was,” he said, in a consoling tone that brought to my attention the fact that I had arrived at a state of needing consolation. He went on hurriedly. “Or, she molded the wood, anyway. Molded the wood and then burnt it out.” He gestured sheepishly to a placard set into a boulder nearby, by way of citation perhaps.

“That’s terrible,” I said, suddenly feeling nauseous. “That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard.” Liam started to speak again, nobly, but I interrupted him. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I have to go.”

Liam, maintaining his East Coast dignity, said only, “Right.”

On the walk home, I stopped occasionally to brace myself against the bigtooth maples lining the street. I pressed my hands to my breasts where they’d begun to bloom up from my bra, and longed for a museum that didn’t feel like a museum. I preferred the preserved homes of historic figures. I liked a quill ready to be dipped in a pot of ink, a bonnet tossed onto a rocker, firewood half stacked by a stove. A house waiting for people who would never come. This made sense to me.

Outside my front door sat a pair of tennis shoes, the heels trampled down, the canvas cracking in the sun. A plaque mounted on the brick above them might have read:

A second placard, buffed shiny and mounted at chest height just inside the front door:

A third, positioned unobtrusively near the unmade bed:

That afternoon—after I’d abandoned poor Liam—Carly called me four times. I ignored her. I walked around my apartment, lightly touching the artifacts Ezra left behind in the year we were together. They were pathetic and few: a bag of white tea gone stale, a screwdriver we meant to use to fix a window screen but never did, some books, a toothbrush I bought him. I decided I would preserve these just as he’d left them, convert my apartment into the Museum of Love Lost. I envisioned other exhibits. An installation of all the clever, evasive text messages he ever sent me, a replica of the bar where we met, handmade dioramas of our finest outings. That night I woke to the sensation of the bedsheets against my nipples. In the dark I saw our happiest moments in miniature.

Here we are in my bedroom, just come home from a concert. We are made of clay and our limp limbs are clandestinely pinned in place with toothpicks. We’ve been to see a band whose music was frantic and heartsick and whose lead looked so much older than the last time either of us had seen them that we couldn’t help but grow a little older ourselves as we listened.

Dawn is pressing lightly to the cellophane window beside the bed. My yarn hair is tangled, and if you look closely you can see a slight sweat sheen on us both. I am lying on my back on the handkerchief bedspread, wearing tall red heels that have been hurting my feet. They are Barbie shoes painted with careful strokes of ruby nail polish. Ezra sits at the foot of the bed with my foot in his lap. He is bent over, unclasping the tiny-toothed buckle at my ankle. When he is finished with this shoe he’ll remove the other, then run a finger softly over the place where that strap cut into my ankle. His hands will cup the belly of my calf, make their way up underneath my dress. We’ll make love. Afterward he’ll say, I know I’m a pain in the ass. I’m sorry. I’ll kiss his chest and say, Tell me you’ll be true. I can’t, he’ll say. You know that. But in the diorama he hasn’t said this yet. In the diorama we are frozen, his head bent, his sweet mouth gathered in concentration, his ossified clay fingers fumbling softly at my aluminum-foil buckle. I call it Man Removes Shoe.

In this one, we are papier-mâché in a restaurant alongside the Truckee. We sit at a dollhouse table on a Popsicle-stick patio stretching over a river of blue and green tissue paper, its crinkled rapids daubed white with foam. A shapely decanter of red wine stands in the center of the table, near empty. We have ordered a meal consisting entirely of appetizers. See the card-stock plates crowding the table. See the remnants of colored-pencil anchovies, prosciutto, bruschetta, oysters, soft white cheese coated with candied nuts, a gutted half round of once-warm bread. We smoke cigarettes rolled from wisps of cotton, and his fingers are sunk deep into my hair of soft felt. He is openmouthed, laughing that laugh of laughs. I am thinking, I would do anything to make you laugh. I call it Us at Our Best.

I hadn’t talked to Ezra in six weeks, and I hadn’t had my period in at least eight. I took a test, then another. I called Carly.

When I told her she said, “That’s fantastic!” and meant it.

I said, “Go fuck yourself.”

When Carly came over that night I was in the bathtub and had been for some time. She set the Miracle on the floor. The turnip sprout was ornamented with a blue velvet bow that perfectly matched her blue velvet dress.

I handed the Miracle the cardboard core of a toilet paper roll, which she accepted grudgingly and inserted into her mouth. “Is that her birthday outfit?” I asked, though I knew it was. I’d been at the party.

Carly said, “Have you told him yet?”

“Please don’t start in on me.”

“You need to.”

“Why? I know exactly how it’s going to go: ‘We fucked up.’ ‘Oops. Here’s four hundred dollars.’”

“He won’t say that. He’s a good person.”

“No, he’s not. And I know you know that.” I reached for a peanut butter cup. “You should be ashamed of yourself, contributing to the romantic delusions of an unmarried woman with child.”

She leaned down and placed her hand under the Miracle’s chin. She said, “May I have that?” The baby allowed a wet shred of cardboard pulp to drop from her mouth to her mother’s palm. Carly said, “Thank you,” and the Miracle said, “Thank you!” Carly recrossed her legs and looked around.

“No wine tonight,” she said. “No cigarettes. No pot. That’s a good sign.”

“It doesn’t mean what you think.”

“Tell him first, Nat. It’s the right thing to do.”

I sat up in the tub and extended my hand to my niece. I wanted her to grab hold of my index finger, wield for me some of that heartening babystrength. I wiggled my fingers at her. She regarded my hand and went on gnawing the tube, perturbed. The Miracle has dignity bordering on cruelty.

“I’m waiting,” I said.

“For what?” asked Carly.

I eased back into the water. “I want there to be something else to say.”

I used to tell Ezra that I knew no man’s touch before his, that I was conjured up on this Earth for him, my virgin flesh materializing among the video poker machines in the back of that bar on Fourth in the same heavenly instant he walked through the door. We used to laugh about this. But before Ezra there was Sam. Poor, good Sam.

Sam and I once had a baby, technically. He wanted to have it and I didn’t. Sam said he would support me, whatever I decided, which he did. Of course he did. This was maybe three months before I met Ezra and left Sam for him.

Sam sat in the waiting room for six hours. That’s how long it takes, though the procedure itself lasts less than ten minutes. He and I arrived at the facility early in the morning, as we’d been instructed. The building was unmarked and located across from the Meadowood Mall, on the Sears side. We were buzzed in through two sets of bulletproof doors. In the waiting room Sam hugged me, then kissed me, then hugged me again. I went back and joined the other women.

All of them were white and teenagers or close to it, younger than me anyway, except one, who was black and considerably older, forty or forty-five. I was the last to arrive, and I’d passed all those teenage girls’ fathers in the waiting room. There wasn’t a mother in the whole place.

Except for when she was summoned by a nurse, the black woman talked on her cell phone ceaselessly. To a friend, I gathered. Not the father. She narrated everything we did. I hated her for this. I felt protective of the younger girls, perhaps, though I did nothing to act on this feeling. But her insipid narrating soothed me a little, too, because it had the effect of casting the facility in a less exceptional light, like the lobby of a bank or a chiropractor’s office, not a place where one looked for some kind of meaning, which it was certainly not. I thought this was good for the younger girls to see.

The black woman told how one by one we all filled out a stack of paperwork and got blood tests and watched a video regarding our rights. She read aloud the Adrienne Rich quote on a poster in the room where we waited. She repeated the selection of pain medication offered to us on a tiered scale. For an extra hundred dollars we would be provided two substantial caplets of Vicodin. For a hundred and fifty we could be outfitted with a mask delivering a dose of nitrous oxide, which, we were told, smelled and tasted a little like bubble gum and would render us barely conscious during the procedure. These offerings, we were informed, could not be combined, but they were included in addition to a local anesthetic, which we would each receive at no extra cost, and which would be injected directly into the cervix immediately before the procedure. We were invited to consider these options in light of our individual needs and our budgets. Of course, if we wished, we were free to choose none at all. I chose none. I told myself it was because I was broke. At the time I mistook suffering for decency.

The black woman told whoever how one by one we all got Pap smears and pelvic exams. How the staff did an ultrasound on each of us, and asked if we wanted a copy of what we saw there. I said I did, mostly because the heavy woman operating the device seemed so pleased to be able to offer it. In the image there were white brackets around a dark space. That’s all. Later, I put it in my glove box and did not look at it again. I never showed the image to Sam, though I knew what it would have meant to him. Being with Sam was like standing atop a small hill and seeing my whole fine life unfurled in front of me like prairie.

The procedure itself lasted under ten minutes, a fact that the nurses often reiterated and that proved technically accurate but did little to capture the character of those ten minutes. A nurse’s aide held my hand. I envisioned Sam sitting out with the fathers. I wondered unkindly whether his presence deflated them. How, I wondered, did they reconcile the facility waiting room with a white, college-educated, clean-shaven twenty-six-year-old—the kind of man their now-wayward daughters would bring home one day, if they turned things around? Later, Sam told me he wouldn’t have been in the waiting room then. He went for a walk, he said, though there was nowhere to walk really, so he just weaved up and down the rows of cars in the mall parking lot, waiting for me to call.

Afterward, they took us to a room and had us lie on cots. Some of the girls threw up there, including me. The aides gave us apple juice and two cookies for our blood sugar and a prescription for birth control so we wouldn’t be repeat customers. I have told this story occasionally, to my sister and a few others. But Ezra was the only person who ever laughed at that last part. Another reason why I loved him, I suppose. Anyway, the whole experience was as awful as one would expect, and no more so. It was nothing I couldn’t do again.

This was why my sister came every night, and why she brought the Miracle.

After she left with the Miracle in her birthday getup, Carly called. “Do me a favor,” she said. “Promise you won’t smoke or drink anymore.”

“What for?”

“You never know,” she said buoyantly.

“Actually, Car, the sad thing is how often you do know.”

“Come on,” she said. “For me.”

“This is fucked up,” I said; then I promised.

It should have been easy to quit; I’d only ever smoked with him, for him. It wasn’t easy—I was anxious and found I didn’t know what to do with my hands—but I did it. I stopped drinking, too, and took to having lemonade with my peanut butter cups. I read faster, and I became more disturbed by the things I read. Often, I had to stop. I’d set the book aside and look at my naked body. I imagined tumbling through plane crash, shipwreck, avalanche. I distended my stomach so it rose from the surface of the water. It was too early for that, of course. Those cells were barely the size of a cranberry, or so Carly told me. Sometimes I went underwater to see how long I could stay there. I opened my eyes, saw those brownblack wrappers moving above me like his boats, like insects alighted on the surface of the Truckee. I saw him there. I wished I didn’t, but I did.

When Carly was pregnant with the Miracle she tried never to become upset or angry, always to be calm. That was why the Miracle turned out so even. But it seemed all I was was upset and angry. It is such a short distance from the heart to the womb. I could see foul chemicals injecting into Cranberry. What if the first feelings she ever felt were loss and fear and anger? It must sour a person profoundly to have these as first feelings. This is probably what happened to me.

The Museum of Love Lost could have a Mother Wing. Arranged in reverse chronological order, it might start with an archive of yellowing newspaper articles: Fatal Accident Causes Major Power Outage; Thousands in Northwest Reno Without Electricity after Car Slams into Power Pole. (Ezra, when I told him: “I remember that day. We got out of school early.”) From there a visitor might move through a catalogue of all the matchbooks our mother gave Carly and me when she visited us at our grandmother’s in Sun Valley. Carly kept hers in a mason jar on the dresser we shared—booklets from Sparky’s, Bully’s, Crosby’s, little boxes from the Bonanza, the Horseshoe, the Polo Lounge. I burned my matches up as soon as our mother left, not because I wanted to destroy them, but because I couldn’t resist the smell of them burning, or the satisfying snap of those chalky heads against that grainy strip.

There might be pungent tubes of the same variety of henna our mother used to dye our brown hair red when we were girls, back when we still lived with her, because she wanted us to look more like her. Here is a photo of us sitting in the gravel driveway in front of our trailer, our hair swirled high on our heads with the rust-colored clay, letting, she said, the sun do its thing. We are maybe five and ten. I am wearing only white cotton underpants.

The Mother Wing might end with a display of dried, pressed sprigs of sage and wild mint from the drainage ditch behind the trailer, which we used to pick by the armful and bring to our mother while she slept.

But most likely, the Mother Wing would be completely empty.

Carly came over the next night with the Miracle dressed in a fuzzy brown bear outfit. Small bear ears peeked up from the hood, and soft claw mittens from the arms, and a tail on the ass wiggled bearlike as she crawled.

“Why is she wearing that?” I asked.

“She likes it,” Carly said. “Watch this.” She asked the Miracle, “Who’s a bear?”

The Miracle bared her newest teeth and dropped her mother’s cell phone to display her claws. “Who’s a bear?” Carly said again.

The Miracle squealed, snapped her teeth together and then roared a too-happy roar.

“That’s adorable,” I said, and it was.

Carly looked pleased. She said, “Maybe you should get out of the bath.”

“Some days I thank God I can lock myself in my apartment and no one has to be around me,” I said. “What if I always have those days? A baby is there. All the time.” These things were just occurring to me.

“Have you thought any more about that docent program?” she said. “I could still get you an interview.”

“I’ve already started,” I said, waving her to my nightstand.

“What’s all this?”

“Don’t touch it.”

She hovered over the things Ezra had emptied from his pockets our last night together. They were arranged on the nightstand just as he’d left them, waiting to be labeled and mounted on acid-free paper: a credit card receipt from a bar up the street. The chewed cap of a pen. Some change and a five-dollar bill creased in the middle like an accordion, which he used for a trick where he’d make it look like Abraham Lincoln was smiling or frowning, depending on how he held it. A near-empty sack of tobacco.

“What is it?” Carly called to me.

“Family heritage,” I said. “In case Cranberry wants to know who her father was. There he is, girlie: generous tipper, oral fixater, Civil War buff, roller of exquisitely proportioned cigarettes.”

Carly returned to the bathroom, ineffably bright-eyed. “Do you really think it’s a girl?”

“God. I hope not.”

Carly knelt on the floor beside the tub. She put her hand on my arm. “You don’t have to do this alone,” she said. “Alex and I could help you. Cranberry and the Miracle could be friends. Like us. It could be like when we were kids. Before things got bad.”

I said, “Things were always bad.”

“They weren’t,” said Carly. “You were too young. But they weren’t.”

“Why are you defending her?”

The Miracle screeched.

“I’m not.” Carly stood and lifted her daughter, holding her like a shield. “It’s just—do you have to be so hard on everyone?”

“I don’t know. Probably.”

The Miracle took her mother’s earring into her mouth. Carly extracted it gingerly. “You make him sound like some sort of flimflam man.”

“That’s what he is, Car. A flimflam man.”

“Come on—”

“No. That’s exactly what he is. A flimflam man with a nice laugh. A cokehead flimflam man who left me with a nicotine addiction and some trash from his pockets. Tell me a baby’s gonna change that.”

The Miracle clapped her hands on the earring and said, “All right!”

“You’re never going to feel ready for this, Nat. They make you ready.”

“What if they don’t? What if I have it and the only difference is I think, ‘I’m going down and I’m taking this kid with me’?”

She winced. “It won’t be like that.”

I couldn’t help myself. “It was like that for us.”

After some time she said, “You’re right.”

I was thinking of our mother, but I was also thinking of Carly, of a time when I was at her house, just after the Miracle was born. In those early days their place throbbed with people. Alex’s mother and father were visiting from Arizona, and Carly’s girlfriends were constantly stopping by with dinners and hand-me-downs and complicated baby-soothing devices. I watched them the way a person watches a parade she’s accidentally come upon.

Then, one afternoon, a strange quiet overtook me and I looked up from the sink where I was washing dishes. It was as though silence had swallowed the house and we were suspended in the dark warmth of its throat. Carly and I were alone with the baby. The Miracle was maybe four days old. Carly was feeding her in a rocking chair in the living room. When the baby fell asleep Carly motioned me to her. “Can you take her?” she whispered, nodding to the crib. I lifted the Miracle and laid her down the way I’d seen Alex do. When I came back Carly reached for my arm.

“I have to tell you something,” she said. She looked like a badly weathered drawing of herself, exhausted. “I don’t think I love the baby. I mean I do. But not the way Alex does.”

I told her that was natural, that a lot of women feel that way at first. I was repeating some Oprah shit she’d told me months earlier. I said she was tired, that she should try to nap. She nodded emptily. “Of course you love her,” I added as I walked her to her bed. She lay on top of the blankets.

As I closed the curtains she said, “I don’t.”

I said, “Shh,” and went into the living room to fold laundry. The bedroom door was open and I could hear her breathing, her head softly shifting on the feather pillow. “I don’t,” she said over and over. “I don’t.” Then she fell asleep. We never talked about it again.

In this one Ezra and I are drinking coffee and sharing a miniature newspaper. We woke up with that loopy, underwater kind of hangover, the sort that pleasantly expands to consume an entire day. We walked to this shoe-box café, hand in hand. We are carved from wood blocks, and the midmorning sun glitters on our grooved faces. I’ve told him about that day, about how afraid Carly made me. How she was saying things our mother might have said. What I need to know, I’ve told him, is if that feeling ever left her. Because if it never left her, it would never leave me.

Ezra has leaned across the table and taken my face in his hands. “Hey,” he’s said. “Look at me. You’re not her. You hear me? You’re not anyone but you.” I’ve pulled away from him. “You don’t get it,” I’ve said. “It’s in me.” He’s hurt—see his eyes, his soft upturned hands—and I am surprised that I am capable of hurting him. “Christ,” he is saying. “It’s like I’m trying to dig you out when all you want is to be buried with her.” I call it The Truest Thing You Ever Said.

When Carly arrived the next night, she came into the bathroom and closed the door behind her. The Miracle wore a pair of sparkly gold fairy wings and a headband with a giant sunflower mounted to one side. She held a pair of orange plastic nunchucks, the only toy I’d ever seen her interested in.

I was in the bath. “I thought she wasn’t allowed to play at violence,” I said.

“Guns mostly,” said Carly. “We don’t have a nunchuck policy.” Then she said, “I have to tell you something.”

“What?”

“I brought someone here. You should probably put some clothes on.”

I rose out of the tub and wrapped myself in my bathrobe. Everything was worth it. Ezra would see how I’d kept our world as he’d left it, how I never stopped wanting him. I saw his fingers tracing over our old life. He’d take me in his arms and say what an idiot he’d been. He’d say, I want this. One hundred percent. All the time. Anything he said would have been enough. He could have said nothing.

Instead, bent over the artifacts on my nightstand was Sam.

The Miracle smacked her mother with her nunchucks and said, “All right!”

“Hey,” Sam said. “How are you?”

I said, “Uh, okay.”

He glanced at Carly. “I was thinking we could go for a walk,” he said to me. He looked fitter, slimmer in the face. He wore a dark green sweater I didn’t recognize. This baffled me, that he’d bought a sweater. I said, “I’ll get dressed.”

Out on the sidewalk, Sam said, “Which way?”

“Doesn’t matter.” We started out on our old route toward the river.

Neither of us spoke. My fingers were cold. I stuffed my hands into the pockets of my coat. “What’s with the nunchucks?” I said.

“You never told me whether she had a boy or a girl.”

We were quiet again, the only sounds our shoes on the sidewalk, and occasional cars driving by. “You could have gotten something neutral,” I said.

He shrugged. I remembered that easy Sam shrug. “Those are cool, right?”

“Yeah. They’re cool.” We turned a corner and I pulled a dying leaf from a low-hanging branch. “What did she tell you?”

“Everything, I think.”

I ripped segments off the leaf and let them fall papery to the ground. “Everything.”

Sam nodded to the leaf. “Bigtooth maple.”

“I know,” I said. “I remember.” I spliced the stem with my thumbnail and we went on quietly. Finally I said, “I’m not going to have it.”

“She says you haven’t made the appointment yet.”

“I keep thinking things might change.”

“And you haven’t told him?”

“It’s stupid. I know.” We came upon the river. Midway across the bridge we stopped and leaned on the rail.

“She says you’re saving his stuff.”

“Not saving it.” I let the last shred of the leaf flutter to the water. “I love him. I go to make the appointment and I can’t. I’m sitting there with the phone and my fucking calendar, you know? Like I’m having my teeth cleaned. It isn’t the baby. Maybe it’s just… I don’t want us reduced to an appointment. We were more than that.”

He sighed and dipped his head between his big hands.

“Sorry,” I said, though I wasn’t.

Sam rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms. His face was red. “You never thought that about us?”

“That was different.”

“Why?”

I turned back toward the water. He turned and faced the water, too. “I still think about it,” he said. “Ours.”

I felt ambushed, suddenly, though of course I had been all along. “I don’t, Sam. Don’t you get that? I don’t think about it. I never have. I’m all fucked up. You never got that.”

He laughed a laugh with an edge to it, a laugh I’d rarely heard from him and only toward the end. “I get that,” he said. “Believe me. That’s not why I came. I told Carly I’d talk to you.” He looked up. “But I know you, Nat. I know what you’re capable of. What you’re not.” His hands were trembling at the rail. “Look at you. You don’t even want to be happy. We were good together. We were happy. Ours was the right one and you couldn’t stand it. And now. This guy?”

“You don’t even know him.”

“I don’t have to.”

He was right and I should have told him as much. Instead I said, “We should get back.”

He nodded once and turned. We walked back without speaking, him always a few steps ahead of me. A couple times his back straightened and he inhaled sharply as if he wanted to say something. But he never did. In front of my apartment he said, “I’m going to catch a bus. Let your sister know, will you?”

I said, “Wait, Sam. Will you wait a second?” I brought my keys out of my pocket and unlocked my car.

It had been glossy when they printed it out but it had gone satin, somehow. The edges of the quarter sheet had curled in on themselves. He took it from my hand. “What’s this?”

“They gave it to me.” I pointed where the heavy woman had pointed, the white brackets, the dark space. “There,” I said.

He opened his mouth a little. “You kept this?”

“Yeah,” I said. It was true, though not in the way I let him believe.

He held it delicately, smoothing a curled corner with his thumb. He said nothing for a long time; then he ran his finger along the bottom edge. “What do these numbers mean?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I didn’t ask.” He held it a while longer, closer to him. When he tried to give it back I gestured for him to keep it. It seemed he would, at first. But then, suddenly, he thrust it back at me and said, “What am I supposed to do with this?”

“I thought you’d want it.”

He looked at it again, disgusted, as though he could see everything wrong with me in the image. “It’s a piece of paper,” he said finally. “It doesn’t work like that.”

“I thought—”

“Is that what this is about?” He laughed that hard-edged laugh again. “It is. You’re gonna have this baby as some kind of memento. The centerpiece to your little shrine up there? Jesus, Nat. You are fucked up.”

“I love him.”

He slipped the ultrasound into his coat pocket. “You don’t love people,” he said. “You love what they do to you.”

When I went inside, Carly was at the window. She’d been watching us. “Jesus,” I said. “What were you thinking?”

She put her finger to her lips and said, “Shh.” She gestured to the bedroom.

“Fine,” I said. I walked into the kitchen, retrieved a pack of cigarettes from on top of the fridge, and went out to the fire escape. My hands were shaking.

Carly followed me outside. “What are you doing? You promised.”

I lit a cigarette and took a drag. “Why the fuck would you bring him here?”

“I was worried about you.”

I exhaled. “The fuck you were. You’re coming over here, dressing the Miracle like—”

“You promised,” she said again.

“Get out.”

“What?”

“Leave. Take her with you. Don’t come back.”

She began to cry. “Listen to yourself—”

“You listen. Do you know what you’re saying? Have a baby? Look at me.” I was shouting. “Look at my life. Why would you want anyone to have a life like ours?”

She wiped her eyes, sending out little sooty shooting stars of mascara. “You don’t even sound like you.”

“I don’t sound like you,” I said. I was crying now, too. A car alarm sounded somewhere. Beyond its wailing was downtown, the lights of the casinos crisp in the cold, the Truckee running through. Sam was on a bus, homebound. And beyond that, somewhere, was Ezra, his impossible laugh, his half breaths, his index finger looped around my big toe. Here was my sister, pulling me to her.

“I’ve got too much of her in me,” I said. “I can feel it.”

Carly took a deep breath of cold air. “Me, too,” she said into my hair. She sounded surprised. “Me, too.”

She held me that way for some time. When she let me go she touched the soft places under my eyes with the cuff of her sweater. She nodded to my cigarettes. “Give me one of those, would you?”

We leaned against the building and smoked in silence. Once, Carly turned and cupped her hands against my bedroom window. “Look at this,” she said.

Inside, the Miracle was splayed out on my bed, asleep. Her wings and headband had been cast off, and the nunchucks Sam bought her were on the floor. She was sleepmoist, and the wild wispy hairs around her face curled in the dampness. We watched her stretch triumphantly, her brawny hands curled in fists.