Bite Me

2. Test

· 1. The Countess Abigail Von Normal is:

· A. Emergency Backup Mistress of the Bay Area Dark.

· B. A Gothic hottie consumed by the banal hopelessness of existence.

· C. Not perky, but dark, complex, and très mysterious.

· D. All the above, and possibly more.

· 2. The vampire Flood and his nosferatu maker, the Countess Jody, were imprisoned in a bronze shell in the pose from Rodin’s The Kiss because:

· A. Their love is eternal and their mingled souls will live on in romantic embrace to the end of time.

· B. Foo and I were pretty sure that the Countess would go FOAKES (Freak Out and Kill Everything in Sight) when she found out our plan to turn the Animals back to human.

· C. We just like to look at our friends, naked and bronzed, because it gets us all hot.

· D. I can’t believe you picked “c.” You should get a big “L” tattooed on your forehead to save people time in figuring out what a ginormous loser you are! You wish that Foo and I needed pervy preludes to stimulate our orgasmic, toe-curling soul-sex. Trust me, the sun weeps that it cannot achieve the blistering hotness of our nookie.

· 3. Despite myths perpetrated by jealous day dwellers, the nosferatu are only vulnerable to the effects of:

· A. Garlic. (Right, because pizza and the breath of vegans will quell their ancient power.)

· B. Crosses and holy water. (Oh right, because creatures of darkest evil are total bitches of the baby Jebus.)

· C. Silver. (Uh-huh, and aluminum, because that makes sense.)

· D. Sunlight.

· 4. My and Foo’s greatest challenge as minions is to protect our dark masters, the Countess and Lord Flood, from:

· A. Cops, specifically Inspector Rivera and his clueless Gay Bear partner Cavuto.

· B. The most crusty old vampire and his mysterious fashion-vamp posse.

· C. The Animals, slacker wastee night crew from the Marina Safeway.

· D. All of the above and whatnot.

· 5. Our best chance of defeating Chet, the huge shaved vampire cat, is:

· A. Mouse ninjas.

· B. A big hug while wearing my most fly UV-LED leather jacket, fashioned for my protection by my aforementioned muffin master, Foo.

· C. A saucer of tuna blood laced with sedatives and kitty-butt flavor. (I observed in his former mortal form, that Chet loves kitty-butt flavor.)

· D. Make a vampire Rottweiler to rock Chet’s worldview.

· E. Either “a” or “c,” but definitely not “d” wouldn’t “a” be très cool? Mouse ninjas!

Answers:

1: D, 2: B, 3: D, 4: D, 5: E

Give yourself one point for every right answer.

Score:

5. You rock my stripy socks.

4. Loser!

3. Très Loser!

2. Such a Loser that Losers pity you.

0-1. Spare us your contagious loserness. Next bridge you pass? Over you go.