Blackstone's pursuits

In which Jan gets a shock, Primavera meets Wallace, and I gain a sleeping partner

Out in the street, I was delighted to see that the Traffic Warden from the Other Side had been so disconcerted that he had neglected to paste me up for my out-of-date disc. The blue Nissan wore no adornment other than bird-shit, and a few specks that weren’t.

I opened the tailgate door and slung Prim’s kitbag first into the boot, and then the smaller one which she had packed with a few ‘sensible clothes’ from her wardrobe and cupboard, under the supervision of a young woman detective, who, she told me, had kept sneaking astounded glances at the tiny colossus on the bed.

Neither of us spoke as I coaxed the engine into life and reversed out of my parking space. I weaved my way through the police cars which were thronging the street like ants round a peach-stone. We were heading up Leith Walk, when Prim said: ‘So where is it then? This refuge I’m bound for, this pad of yours.’

I grinned, thinking it would put her at ease. From her expression, my grin must have been more of a leer. ‘Not that far. It’s in the Old Town, down one of the closes off the High Street.’

‘And will Mrs Blackstone be gone for long?’

‘My mother is dead,’ I said solemnly.

Prim frowned. ‘Don’t be cheap. You know what I mean, Mrs as in spouse, or even Ms Something Else as in live-in partner.’

I shook my head. ‘I don’t have any of those. My last live-in girlfriend was two years ago. She died of “dish-pan hands, Mummy”, or so she said. Since then I’ve preferred my independence. There are some bloody good takeaways around the centre of town, you know.’ I let the silence fill the car as she weighed up Oz in a new environment, and pondered the prospect of Oz on Oz’s turf.

‘Mind you,’ I said, after a suitable interval, looking sheepishly at the dashboard as we turned into Leith Walk. ‘I don’t know how you’ll take to Wallace.’

She gasped. ‘Wallace! You’re not…’

I relished the sight of Prim on the back foot. ‘What about it if I am?’ She looked at me, uncertain for the first time in our short acquaintance.

‘Actually, if there was anything between Wallace and me they’d have to invent a new name for it. Wallace is an Iguana. He’s the last of the dinosaurs. I named him after a wizened old fisherman uncle of my Mum’s.’

Her jaw dropped. ‘Let me get this right. You’re taking me to a flat that you share with a lizard?’

‘Wallace would be hurt by the description, but yes, that just about sums it up.’

She threw back her head and laughed. ‘The first time I saw you, Oz Blackstone, I thought there might be some mileage in you. Could be I was right.’

‘I’m touched, my dear.’

‘Yes, that was what I thought.’

‘Thank you again, on behalf of loonies everywhere. But seriously for once, we’re clear of that lot back there. Is there anywhere else you want me to take you? How about your parents?’

‘God no, Oz. For a start they’re in Auchterarder; and for seconds, sooner or later Mum would ask me about Dawn, and I’ve never been able to lie to her.’

‘But Prim, you’re going to need to talk to her. The murder might be reported on telly tonight. She could see your flat on the news.’

She shook her head slowly. ‘No, I think not. My parents cling to this planet by their fingertips. Mother’s hobby is Romantic Novels and Dad devotes his life to making model soldiers. He sells them to collectors through magazines. Anything from one-off Kilties to whole battle scenes, to order. They’re just not interested in what’s on the telly, unless it’s by Barbara Taylor Bradford or Kate Adie.’

‘Is there anyone else, then?’ Suddenly I was seized by the thought that taking this woman under my roof would be the biggest step into the unknown that I’d ever made. ‘Do you have any friends in Edinburgh?’

She turned in her seat and looked at me. ‘Do I feel the chill of cold feet? Do you want to be shot of me?’

‘Absolutely not,’ I shot back at her, too fast in the circumstances. ‘I just don’t want you to feel that you’re being …’

‘Spirited away to your lair, were you going to say?’ Her smile was delicious. ‘Don’t worry, Oz, we fell into this thing together, and I reckon we should see it through together. More than that, you’re my best bet for a shower and a sleep. Shower first, though. Do I need one!’

I creased my nose and looked sideways at her. ‘Funny that. I was just thinking that it’s been a long time since I had a really ripe woman in this car!’ She slapped my arm, hard enough for me to feel her strength, not hard enough to hurt. I saw her tanned nurse’s bicep bunch.

We made our way up the Walk, pausing occasionally for red lights. It was a beautiful warm day in early May, and the trees in the central reservation were in blossom.

‘You know, Mr Oz Blackstone,’ said Prim, ‘this may sound like the wrong thing to say in the circumstances, but I’m glad to be home. Even Florence Nightingale must have become dehumanised after a while. If you need an example, just think back to how I reacted to finding a corpse in my bed!’

‘Hey,’ I said as gently as I could. ‘You are home. Just hang on to that. You’re in Edinburgh and it’s beautiful. Look around you.’ The car swept round the Elm Row island, and up towards Picardy Place. She laughed. ‘Come on Oz. That’s the St James Centre up ahead. Not even a homeboy could call that beautiful.’

‘Okay, well just hang on a minute. We’ll get to some nice bits!’

My house is in one of the nicer bits. Less than half a mile from the Palace of Holyroodhouse, so for a week every year I can say that I have the Queen for a neighbour.

‘What’s this?’ said Prim, as I slid the Nissan into my parking space.

‘My house. Where I live. It’s a conversion. It used to be a grain store or something, until a developer got hold of it. I live in that pointy bit up there. It’s more of a loft than a flat. See the bit right at the top? According to the estate agent who sold me the place, that’s called a belvedere. There’s a ladder up to it. Quite often Wallace climbs up it to sun himself. Yes, there he is, look.’ As if wakened by the sound of our arrival, the iguana peered down at us solemnly.

‘Jesus,’ said Prim, shaking her head. ‘I find a dead dwarf in my bed, and now I’m going home with a guy who has an iguana as a flatmate.’

‘A loft, not a flat,’ Must get the terminology right.

‘Loft, flat,’ she said. ‘What’s the difference?’

‘About five grand in a good market, I reckon.’ That got her attention.

We made our way up the narrow, twisty stairway to my pad, and stepped into the tiny square area which passed for my entrance hall. Two doors and a staircase led from it. ‘Kitchen to the left, bathroom door to the right,’ I said. I opened each door to demonstrate. When I opened the door on the right, a red-faced woman screamed. She was sat on the toilet, so it was understandable.

‘The rest of it’s up there.’ I said hurriedly. Weighed down by bags, I led the way up the staircase to the heart of my stronghold. Prim stepped up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. ‘Er, Oz. About Mrs Blackstone?’

I frowned. ‘I told you, my mother’s dead. Anyway, she always bolted the door when she went to the toilet. That was Jan. She does my books, but she sets her own hours.’

Well, it was true. Jan and I were at school together. She did my books. Occasionally she ironed a shirt if she felt sorry for me, On even rarer occasions, when something was troubling her or she just felt like my company, she gave me a cuddle in the night.

Downstairs we heard the toilet flush. I looked across the room. Fortunately my ledgers were spread out on my desk. Prim followed my eyes, then looked around the rest of the place.

‘You never said it was open plan!’

‘You never asked. Anyway, it isn’t. The living area’s down here. The sleeping area’s that raised part, up that wee ladder. When you’re in bed, you can’t be seen from down here. Well, hardly.’

‘Very comforting!’ She’s good at irony, is Prim.

‘Remember the pointy bit I showed you? Well, you get to that through the sleeping area. You see the foot of the second ladder there?’

‘It looks sort of like a square funnel from the inside, doesn’t it,’ she said. At that moment Wallace, the curious iguana, eased his cumbersome frame down the ladder, and swung across to walk along the railing which enclosed the raised area, and against which my bed was pressed.

She shook her head, and then did something which turned my knees to jelly. She stood on her tiptoes and kissed me. Not on the cheek, on the lips. Chastely, you understand. Hands by her side and everything. But still, not on the cheek, on the lips.

‘Osbert, you may be a fruitcake, and you may live in a fucking mad-house, but you are my saviour and protector, my knight in shining armour. You’re here when I need you, and I thank you.’

The gallows answer stuck in my throat. It was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me, and I was unspeakably touched.

Jan wasn’t. She smiled at Prim as she appeared at the top of the stairs, and she smiled at me. I could grade the warmth of Jan’s smiles pretty well, and the one she threw at me was straight from the fridge. She’s a tall girl, with looks and dark hair that fell off a Jane Russell poster, and a chest to match.

‘Hi,’ I said. I was about to add, ‘Sorry about surprising you on the bog,’ but I thought that I’d better not. ‘Jan, this is Prim Phillips. Prim, Jan More. Prim’s got a problem, she needs somewhere to crash for a couple of days.’

Jan smiled again, with a glint in her eye, but there was nothing malicious in it. ‘Must be a big problem, for you to wind up here. Watch out for Wallace, darlin’. That bloody iguana was right up my kilt this morning.’

She turned back to me. ‘Oz, your books are done. Your VAT slip’s ready to go. I’ve written cheques for that and all your other bills, and I’ve written one for me too.’

‘Fine,’ I said. I picked up my chequebook, signed the second cheque, tore it out and handed it to her. I didn’t even check the amount. Jan hadn’t given herself a rise in four years. Mind you, she’d given me a few.

‘Thanks. Right, I’m off. See you next month, or whenever.’

I saw her to the door. ‘Look, Jan, you’d never believe …’

She turned in the doorway, but she was smiling. ‘Don’t “look” me, Oz. I’d believe anything about you. Our rule is ask no questions, and I’m not going to break it now. Good luck.’ She gave my balls a friendly squeeze and closed the door behind her.

I went back upstairs to Prim. She had carried her smaller bag up to the raised area, but had left the monster for me. I looked up and saw her feet disappearing up the ladder to Wallace’s sun-room. ‘Hey, this is terrific,’ her voice echoed down. ‘You can see a lot from up here.’

‘That’s why Wallace likes it,’ I shouted back. ‘Incidentally, Jan was only kidding about him being up her skirt.’ I grabbed the sullen iguana and shoved him into the cage which was his bedchamber, hoping that I was right. The eaves space in the loft was lined with cupboards, where most of my possessions were stored. I dived into one and pulled out a towel. As Prim climbed down the ladder, I threw it to her. ‘There. The shower’s electric. Instant hot water. You’ll find my dressing gown behind the door. Fancy something to eat?’

She thought about it for a few seconds. ‘Which takeaway is it at lunchtime? McDonalds?’

I put on a hurt look. ‘I do cook sometimes. For example, I do an ace tuna sandwich.’

‘That’d be great.’ She invaded the vast bag once more and emerged with a bottle of shampoo, and some other stuff. ‘Meantime, I have earned this shower. I’ve come a long way for it. I’m going to enjoy it. Hope your lecky bill can stand it. I may be some time!’

Leaving her to undress, I jumped down to the kitchen. A quick glance at the green things in the bread basket persuaded me that I should take her at her word about lunch. As soon as I heard the bathroom door close, I slipped out of the flat, sprinted down the stairs, out of the building and along the narrow wynd which led to the High Street.

Fortunately there hadn’t been a run on Ali’s ace tuna, sweetcorn and mayonnaise rolls. I grabbed a handful, added a couple of yoghurts for luck and a quart of milk to replace the yellow stuff in the fridge, and paid my be-turbanned pal. Ali shot me a questioning look, one that said ‘Surely not at lunchtime?’ but said nothing. I gave him the expected knowing wink and bolted back the way I had come.

By the time Prim emerged from her shower, I was in my chef’s apron, with the woman’s naked body turned to the inside and chaste blue stripes on show. Lunch was laid out neatly on plates — the paper bag and wrappers out of sight in the wastebin — and the cafetiere was full and steaming. I depressed its plunger with a flourish, and offered her a stool at the breakfast bar, facing mine.

‘I’m impressed,’ she said. My dressing gown, rarely worn in any event, had never looked better. It clung to her body, doing things for her that Marks amp; Spencer could use to great effect in their advertising. My towel looked pretty cool too, wound round her head like an outsize version of my pal Ali’s turban. She suited it better than he did.

‘Thank you ma’am,’ I said. Score a point for the boy.

‘I didn’t think you were that quick on your feet. I forgot my toothbrush, so I had to run back upstairs. Either you were up in the belvedere or the place was empty.’

‘Milk,’ I said, assertively. ‘Needed some more.’

She bit a huge chunk from a tuna roll. ‘Mmm,’ she said, as she chewed. ‘Pity you didn’t get some fresh rolls as well. These are a day or so older than they should be.’

I tried one for myself. ‘Nonsense,’ I said eventually, relieved to discover that she had been pulling my chain. ‘They were fresh this morning.’

We demolished our rolls, slurped our yoghurt and drank our coffee with the enthusiasm of the newly reprieved. Prim held her mug in both hands, leaning forward with her elbows on the bar, holding them carefully so that the dressing gown didn’t flop open. I offered her a top-up, but she said, ‘No thanks. I really would like an hour or two’s kip. I’m not jet-lagged or anything. I was in more or less the same time zone. I’m just knackered.’

‘Okay, come on and I’ll change the bed for you.’

‘Er. Oz …?’ she said.

‘Don’t worry about it. The sofa folds down. That’s where I sleep when my Dad’s here.’

‘I’ll have that, then.’

‘No, because that’ll mean I can’t work at my desk. I’ve got a couple of witnesses to interview this afternoon, and I should go back to see Archer.’

The deal was struck. She helped me change the sheets — I’ll swear I heard them sigh with relief — making no comment on the stains which were a relic of Jan’s last stopover three weeks earlier. As I shook out the Downie, she asked me quietly. ‘What are you going to say to Archer?’

I looked at her. ‘I could tell him about Kane. If I did that he might decide he had to go to the police. They’d find out what I was really doing there, and that we told them porkies. Then we’d both be in the shit. Your sister would be too, right up to her nose. Alternatively, I could tell him that when I turned up the street was crawling with polis, so I did a runner. That’s safer but it leaves us with the problem of what to do about the fiver.’

‘Yes,’ she said, softly. ‘What about the fiver?’

I looked down at her, flexing my sincerity muscles. ‘Well,’ I said, ‘if I hadn’t been there you wouldn’t have known what the fiver was all about. You might not even have picked it up.’

She shook her head. ‘My flat, my fiver. I’d have had it all right.’

‘On the other hand, if you hadn’t been there to pull that stunt, I’d never have laid a finger on that note. Archer would have had to go public to get it back. So the way I look at it, Miss Primavera Phillips, we’re partners.’

She looked at me across the bed. The afternoon sunshine spilled down in a column from the belvedere enveloping her in its light. Slowly, she unwound the towel turban and let it fall to the floor. ‘Partners, eh?’ she said. Then she reached across the bed and stretched out her hand. It was a chubby wee hand, but her grip was strong. ‘Okay, Oz, it’s a deal. You know, I didn’t come out of the bathroom to get my toothbrush. I came upstairs to fetch the fiver from my jeans pocket. When I found that you were gone but that it was still there, I felt really guilty. You’ll do, partner.’

She glanced up; the beam of reflected sunlight glinted off her damp hair and shone in her eyes. ‘Let me close the trap door if you’re going to sleep,’ I said.

‘No, leave it. It won’t bother me.

‘So: will you tell Archer that we’ve got the note?’ she asked.

‘I don’t know. My gut tells me that the fewer people who know we’ve got it, the better it’ll be for us. You and I have got to face up to some nasty truths about this situation, not least about your sister’s part in it. But not now, eh. I’ve got these people to see, and you’ve got some kipping to do.’

‘Okay.’ She was beginning to sound fuzzy. ‘One thing though, Oz, partner.’

‘What’s that?’

‘Figure out the best way to tell Archer, but five per cent isn’t enough.’

I held up my hands. ‘One step at a time. Let’s just concentrate on getting through today in one piece. Now sleep!’

I turned and jumped down from the sleeping area. I couldn’t help looking back as I hit the lower level, and caught a back view of Prim dropping the dressing gown on the floor and slipping naked into my bed. A quick shudder ran through me from top to toe. I pinched myself hard, but I didn’t waken up. If I went back up those steps she’d still be there.

Instead I went across to my desk and began to prepare for my two interviews. Ten minutes later, as I set the telefax to auto answer and picked up my case, soft sleeping sounds floated down from the upper level. She didn’t snore; she simply breathed and it was like music whispering its way around the room. I thought of other people who had slept in that bed. My Dad, with his stertorous snores; Jan, with her snorts, snuffles and occasional gentle farts.

Suddenly I had a strange feeling that my loft had been invaded by a haunting spirit, and that life there was never going to be the same again.