Blink of an Eye

CHAPTER ONE

Carmel

Before and after. Two different lives. Before – did we really know how lucky we were? How wonderful everything was? How fragile?

A warm May day, the sun golden, the air soft with a hint of humidity, the silver birch offering dappled shade in the corner of the garden. I’d spent most of the afternoon on the swing seat there, doting grandma, three-week-old Ollie dozing in my arms. Phil, as besotted as I was, taking photographs, dozens of photographs. I had not believed people when they eulogized about the emotional impact of having grandchildren, but meeting Ollie had been like a punch to my gut, the sensation close to that I’d felt when our girls were born. A mix of overwhelming love and rabid fear – the urge to cherish and the fearsome drive to protect. Part of me was bemused, though, thinking, how did I get here? Like the Talking Heads track. When did I get to be a middle-aged woman? Fifty-two and still feeling like a seventeen-year-old inside.

The place was brimming with guests, mainly friends of Suzanne and Jonty, a sprinkling of kids, a couple of their neighbours, Julia and Fraser from the end cottage.

Jonty was living it large at the barbecue, florid with heat, his ginger curls damp, sporting a butcher’s apron, garish Bermuda shorts and flip-flops. A bear of a man next to our daughter, who is petite, neat, who can get away with buying children’s clothes.

Phil, at my side, traced a finger down Ollie’s nose; the baby’s eyelids flickered in response.

‘He takes after Suzanne,’ I murmured. ‘The fair hair.’

‘And the build, thank God,’ he replied. ‘Maybe they’ll have a girl next, big as Jonty; she can take up rugby.’

‘Don’t,’ I shushed him.

We had speculated plenty of times what an odd couple they made. Suzanne so crisp and competent, always in control, bossy even; and Jonty, who had something of the overgrown schoolboy about him. Exuberant, expansive, generous to a fault. Phil reckoned Jonty was a work in progress for Suzanne. Whatever – it seemed to work.

I loved to see her happy, in her element, socializing, serving drinks, prompting people to take another kebab or choose a dessert. She and Jonty were foodies, an interest verging on obsession in my opinion; you couldn’t eat a thing they’d made without a spiel about its provenance and preparation. But it did make for a stunning barbecue: filo parcels of cheese and spinach, sizzling lamb patties, spatchcocked chicken seasoned with lemon and cardamom, peppered beef and tuna steaks, seafood or veg kebabs, puffy golden garlic-mushroom rolls. There were huge bowls of glossy purple-black olives, Colcannon mash, a table of salads: watercress, pepper and avocado, wild rice and chilli, Moroccan couscous. A cheeseboard and puddings: tropical fruit salad, cranberry pinwheels, chocolate mousse, lemon cheesecake, lavender sorbet. The colours a feast in themselves.

Jonty and Suzanne shared an energy, a drive which had underpinned their life together so far. They were both on good salaries – Suzanne as a buyer for Debenham’s and Jonty as a television producer – which enabled them to get a mortgage and buy the house. It was on the outskirts of the city, an old weaver’s cottage with thick stone walls and tiny windows. One of three original cottages on the cul-de-sac. The only other houses were two new-build detacheds opposite.

The previous owners had modernized it inside. Suzanne and Jonty had redecorated and remodelled the garden, replacing the lawn and cottage borders with a patio and barbecue pit, gravel paths and specimen plants: mimosa, ailanthus, bamboo, birch. Now that they had a baby, Suzanne would take three months off work, then return part time until Ollie started school. Jonty was in the process of producing a series of historical documentaries that would keep him in work for the next two years. They were on a roll.

Things had been tougher for Naomi, our younger daughter. She was still out of work, though she helped out in Phil’s music shop whenever his assistant was on holiday or off sick. She was one of thousands of graduates who had found that their hard-won qualifications – hers was a degree in tourism and leisure – didn’t translate into better job opportunities. Not yet, anyway. Though she had got an interview at long last, for a job as a teaching assistant. We tried to keep positive with her; the recession wouldn’t last for ever. Naomi’s boyfriend Alex was struggling too, eager to put his law qualification to some use. The pair divided their time between our house and his mother’s. We rubbed along okay, but of course they wanted their independence.

Ollie began to fuss, nose creased, head turning. Suzanne heard, set down the plates she’d been clearing and came over to feed him.

‘Tea?’ I offered, and she nodded.

‘Thirsty work.’ I smiled. ‘He’s gorgeous.’

‘Of course he is,’ she said.

‘And you’re amazing,’ I said.

‘What? Why?’

I gestured to Ollie, then at the guests. ‘All this. I don’t think I made it out of bed for the first month. Certainly didn’t get dressed properly for a year, never left the house before midday.’ Whereas she looked cool and composed in a white linen skirt and a white blouse with pale gold trim.

She raised an eyebrow as she settled the baby at her breast. ‘It’s just a question of routine.’

I bit my tongue, swallowed a smile. She was serious. Phil and I swapped a look. She noticed. ‘Well, you and Dad, you were all hippy-trippy.’

‘Punk!’ Phil protested. ‘Totally different scene.’

‘Man,’ Suzanne said, putting the word in inverted commas, teasing Phil. She snorted. Ollie paused for a moment; she stroked his head and he continued suckling.

Naomi

The sun is shining and I’m ravenous and there’s bound to be a really good buffet: Suzanne’s a great cook – well, they both are.

I want to show Alex off, shout his news from the rooftops. It finally feels like everything is falling into place. I haven’t felt this good for ages; it’s not been a brilliant few months really. I want to dance, they might have dancing later – in fact I’ll make sure of it. I’ve sorted out a playlist.

Alex pulls me back just before we go in the side gate. Kisses me, and I get that hollow, sexy feeling inside. I kiss him back harder, and he groans a little and then pulls free, laughing. He’s excited. ‘Better stop now,’ he says.

‘You started it,’ I say.

‘Yeah?’ His eyes dance, green eyes, teasing me. ‘Well I’ll finish it later.’

This is so corny, I crack up laughing and he does too. And I hold the champagne with both hands, making sure I don’t drop the bottle.

He grabs my waist and turns me to face down the path, leans his chin on my shoulder and says quietly in my ear, ‘Come on then, into the dragon’s den, eh?’

‘Maybe motherhood has mellowed her,’ I say. ‘Hope so.’

He kisses my ear and smacks me on the bum and we head on in.

Carmel

When I came back out with Suzanne’s tea, there were calls and greetings at the side gate. Naomi and Alex were arriving. Naomi made a beeline for Suzanne. She was swinging a bottle of champagne. ‘Hello.’ She bent down and stroked Ollie’s leg, cupped his foot in her hand. ‘Oh, Suze, he’s so sweet. He looks bigger already. Can I hold him after?’

‘Of course,’ said Suzanne.

Naomi is dark-haired, like Phil and me. She’s a taller, darker version of Suzanne. Apart from that, the girls have the same dark blue eyes, pointed chin, Phil’s long slim nose. Naomi was wearing a short-sleeved blue dress in a waffle cotton, the dye faded and the hem a raw fringe, part of the design.

She straightened up. ‘Glasses?’ she said, hoisting the bottle up.

‘Kitchen,’ said Suzanne. ‘Ask Jonty.’

‘Splashing out?’ Phil remarked. ‘The real McCoy.’ It wasn’t cava.

‘Celebrating.’ Merriment danced in Naomi’s eyes. ‘Alex has got a job!’

We all jumped in with congratulations.

Alex grinned. He’s a lovely-looking boy: pale skin, dark hair and green eyes.

‘Training contract with a legal firm in town,’ he said.

Even better. I knew he had looked far and wide, but the pair of them wanted to stay in Manchester if possible, dreading a move somewhere out in the sticks or to some soulless small town where there was nothing going on.

‘So you’ll be getting a place together at last?’ Phil teased. ‘Shall I book a van?’

‘Give us a chance, Dad,’ Naomi said, punching her father on the shoulder.

Alex took the bottle from Naomi, raised it and caught Jonty’s attention. Jonty disappeared inside and came back moments later with a tray of glasses. Alex popped the champagne and filled the glasses and Naomi handed them round. I caught Phil’s eye and winked. He winked back.

‘New job!’ Naomi led the toast.

The champagne was fresh and lemony, tingly on my tongue.

We sat and chatted. Suzanne wanted to know about our travel plans. We’d been saving up. I was about to book leave, some of it unpaid. It wasn’t a good time to be doing it really, as there were cuts on the way (I’m a social worker on the emergency duty team). But we had finally paid off our mortgage after twenty-five years, and that made it financially doable. I felt that if we didn’t get away and do some travelling soon, we never would, and I didn’t want to live with that regret.

We had fantasized for ages about seeing more of the world; we’d never been beyond Europe. The idea was that we would take off for two months. If the worst came to the worst and I was made redundant or Phil’s shop went under, then we could always sell the house and rent somewhere. While Phil explained which cities he wanted to visit in the States (New Orleans, Chicago, Memphis, Detroit, San Francisco – music Meccas every one), I watched a toddler diligently placing pieces of gravel in a plastic cup. Someone was blowing bubbles, the light catching the oily rainbow colours as they drifted about the garden.

We stayed another half-hour or so and then left them to it. Phil had a gig that evening at a pub. He played lead guitar. A dream that had turned into a hobby somewhere along the way. They do a mix of rock and blues. He looks the part, an ageing rocker, greying hair down to his shoulders, jeans and T-shirt his uniform. No need for the ubiquitous leather jacket on that warm day. He was growing thicker round the waist but I still fancied the pants off him. And thought there might be a chance to prove it if we got home before too long.

I kissed Ollie goodbye, hugged Suzanne, found Naomi and Alex and congratulated them again. He was beaming and she clapped her hands. ‘I can’t believe it! Now I need some of his luck for my interview.’

‘Fingers crossed.’

At the car, Phil kissed me, long and slow. Just the way I like it.

Naomi

Everyone’s congratulating Alex. Suzanne’s waiting for Jonty to bring glasses, and she flashes this look my way. A spark of irritation in her eyes, her lips tight. My stomach sinks for a moment. Maybe I’m overreacting? Is she pissed off with Jonty for not being quicker with the glasses? I wait to see if she’ll roll her eyes or pull a face to let me in on the joke. But she doesn’t. She turns away and says something to Mum.

Perhaps it’s not me she’s irritated with. She could just be tired with having Ollie, or she’s got a headache or something and the look wasn’t directed at me. But if it was, what have I done wrong now? Is it because we brought champagne? Or made a thing out of Alex’s job offer? Doesn’t that just make the barbecue even more of an event? It’s not like we’re taking anything away from it.

The glasses arrive, and Alex unscrews the wire cap and pops the champagne. It froths out of the bottle and we fill the glasses and I hand them round then make a toast. I drink most of my glass; it’s so fizzy that it’s hard to swallow fast and my throat burns.

I could just ignore her. But I don’t want to be stuck with this horrible sour feeling inside. So I walk around and sit next to her.

‘He really is gorgeous,’ I say, looking at Ollie. I mean it. He’s so perfect and other-worldly. His eyes are very, very dark, and his head is pointed at the back. He’s delicate and really pretty. ‘How are you?’ I say.

‘Fine,’ she says, though it sounds brittle. But then she says, ‘It’s good news about Alex.’

So maybe I am wrong? ‘Can’t believe it,’ I say, ‘and I’ve got an interview for a teaching assistant job.’

‘Right.’ Ollie’s gone to sleep and she starts to look around as though she needs to get away. The dutiful hostess.

‘Probably be a lot of competition,’ I add.

‘God, yes,’ she says. ‘Anyone can apply, can’t they? For that sort of thing?’

It’s a put-down. A typical Suzanne snub. It’s hard to tell if she’s even aware she’s doing it.

‘Thanks for the support,’ I say, fed up now.

She raises her eyebrows. ‘You’ve got to face facts, Naomi. It’s tough out there.’

‘I know,’ I snap at her. ‘I’m the one sending off twenty application forms a week.’ Why do I let her wind me up like this?

‘Top-up?’ Alex is there holding the champagne out to Suzanne.

‘I can’t.’ She nods at Ollie. ‘Feeding. We’ve got some in the chiller, actually. We were saving it for a bit later on when everyone’s here.’

Now I get it. We’ve stolen her thunder. But I make myself sound bright. ‘Great! This is nearly finished anyway. I bet yours is a good vintage, isn’t it?’ I say, though I’m not sure if champagne has vintages in the same way wine does. ‘Save the best for later, eh?’

More guests arrive and she goes to greet them. Alex can tell things have been a bit tense. ‘You okay?’ He rubs my back between my shoulder blades, where I can feel the stiffness.

‘Families,’ I smile.

Why can’t I just ignore her? What pisses me off is that I let it get to me. I wish there was a magic formula, something I could just switch on so I’d be immune to her sarky comments or her needling at me. Why do I care what she thinks? It’s not like I want to be her or anything. I don’t want her life; I’m not bothered about status and having loads of money. She never puts a foot wrong, but is she happy? She spends all her time watching eagle-eyed for other people (especially me) to make mistakes. I’m twenty-five and in a steady relationship and I’ve got a degree, and still she pushes all my buttons and I’ve not found a way yet to brush it off. Distance, absence helps. If I don’t see her much. But put us together, and like some species of animal – rabbits or hamsters or something – if we have to share a cage, one of us gets savaged.

Any time I try talking to her directly, being really open about it, saying, ‘Why are you so bitchy to me?’ or ‘Why do you always have to be so negative?’ she either denies it or says she’s simply being honest.

Alex has a job, I tell myself, I’ve got an interview for a post I actually like the sound of, even if the money’s not great, and we will soon have a place of our own. No way is my snotty sister going to spoil it. Fuck her, I am going to celebrate.

I raise my glass and wink at Alex, and he smiles back. ‘To everything,’ I say, and he echoes me and we toast the future.

Carmel

Before.

When the sun burnished everything and bubbles floated over the laughter and the future brimmed bright, ripe with adventure.

Before.

Were we smug? I don’t believe so. But I dared to be happy, thinking that the girls were grown and building lives of their own, that Phil’s business was ticking over in the teeth of the downturn, and a new generation had joined the family.

There wasn’t any sense of entitlement, but relief rather. Like any family we’ve had our share of bad luck and misfortune. From the terror of Suzanne’s bout of meningitis and the shocks of my dad’s sudden death, Naomi’s teenage high-jinks and my father-in-law’s cancer, to the more mundane upsets of burglaries and credit-card debts. And I didn’t for one minute think this phase of contentment would last – life’s not like that.

It wasn’t perfect. Naomi had been finding it increasingly hard to motivate herself after so many rejections. And Phil, one of the most laid-back people I know, was on medication for high blood pressure. His latest tests had been disappointing, and the GP was keen to try and get it down to an acceptable level. Then there was my mother in a nursing home, lost to dementia. But that hazy afternoon it seemed like things were pretty damn good – and I was thankful. I was counting my blessings.

We left Suzanne’s at about five. Phil set off for his gig at seven. It’s nearby, a place they play two or three times a year, and they don’t need long to set up. I could have gone along, but it wasn’t like I hadn’t seen them a million times, and I was more interested in catching up on some television.

I watered the garden first. We have a small square patch at the back of the house laid with flagstones, so everything is grown in containers. It’s handy: no grass to mow, little weeding to do. Our home is one of four flat-roofed, split-level modern houses, three bedrooms, picture windows, open stairs. When I say modern, they were built in the sixties to replace the end of a terrace that had been demolished. They still look like a glaring anomaly in an area of identical terraced rows. The flagstoned garden is the back yard of the original property. I’d never imagined Phil and me living in what he describes as a little box, without the features and character of the older houses all around. But when we bought it, it was a bargain we couldn’t ignore, on the market at a knock-down price due to problems with the flat roof. It was handy for schools and shops and a great place to raise the kids (apart from the windows, which were smeared with finger marks and kisses, traces of jam and Marmite for months on end).

As I filled the watering can from the butt and drenched the pots, the day was ending, the sky a lavender blue draped with shreds of coral-pink clouds over in the west.

It was five to nine when I sat down and began flicking through the channels, a glass of wine at my side.

It was five past nine when the phone rang. And everything changed.