Bone Deep

27

In their own bedroom, Becker and Karen were preparing for the party rather differently. Becker had refused to go.

"You can't stay home," Karen said.

"Sure I can. Watch."

"Why? I told you about this party, you've had a week to gear yourself into a social mood-why now are you deciding not to go?"

"I don't feel like it."

"Not good enough."

"I don't think I can muster the necessary hypocrisy tonight," Becker said. "I don't think I can pretend to give a shit that Stanley Kom is having a birthday."

"You don't have to do anything, just sit with me and keep me company."

"Oh, you're going to be with me, then? I didn't realize."

"Of course I'm going to be with you. Where else would I be?"

"I'm never quite certain these days."

"What does that mean?" Becker stared at her angrily for a moment, then turned away, afraid that he might lose control of himself.

"John, what's the matter?" she said, alarmed. His look of anger had frightened her.

Becker sat on the edge of the bed; he turned his face away from her.

"Nothing. Just a bad mood." She stood in front of him and took his face in her hands. "What is it?"

He did not pull his face from her grasp but he refused to meet her eyes.

"Is it the case?" she asked. "Is it Johnny Appleseed? You have to let go of it sometimes, you know. Let it be just a job."

She wedged his knees apart with her leg and moved between them so that her body was touching his.

"Don't let it swallow you," she said. "Please, John. For yourself. For Jack. For me. Don't let the case devour you. Don't let it come between us."

"The case isn't coming between us," he said.

"Then what's wrong?"

When he did not answer she tipped his face so that he craned upward, looking at her. "Tell me. You can tell me anything, you know that. We agreed to always tell each other everything, didn't we? Something has been wrong between us for weeks and I don't know what it is. I can't help you with it if I don't know what it is."

Becker yearned to tell her, to pour out his suspicions and to have her explain them away as foolish imaginings, the fevered overreaction of a jealous man, but it was his conviction that she couldn't dismiss them that prevented him from speaking. If she told him he was making it all up, if she denied the meetings with Kom behind his back, there was nothing left for him to cling to, no last shred of hope that he was deluded in his mistrust. The words clogged in his throat and he could only emit an inarticulate groan. He buried his face against her bosom.

"John," she cried, now genuinely worried. "What is it, darling'? What on earth is wrong?"

He shook his head against her breasts and gripped her with both arms around her buttocks. He wanted to hug her so tightly she could never pull away, never leave him, never deceive him. "No,"- she said. "No, no, no." Crooning as if to a baby, she pried his hands off and knelt before him so that they were face-to-face. His tears startled her and he turned away from her in embarrassment.

"What…?" she breathed.

"I'm going to kill that cocksucker," Becker said.

"Who?" she asked, expecting him to name Johnny Appleseed.

"Kom. Dr. Stanley Kom."

"Why, John? What has he done?… He hasn't done anything to you, has he? Has he hurt you in some way? Just tell me, I don't understand…

Stanley is such a gentle man. I don't see how-"

"Fuck it, let's go," he said. Becker leapt to his feet, shrugging her hands from his knees and causing her to lose her balance and fall to the floor. She sat for a moment, stunned, and Becker took several steps toward the door before he absorbed what had happened. He looked at her on the floor, appalled at himself for having knocked her there, albut inadvertently.

"I didn't mean…" he started, lowering a hand to pick her up, but she brushed his hand aside and scrambled to her feet, her face livid with rage. "Don't you ever do that again," she said through tight lips.

"I didn't do any-"

"Never again, understand? I won'ttolerate it."

"I didn't mean to…"

"Fine, leave it at that," she said. "Let's just go."

"Karen, I wasn't trying to hurt you..

"I mean it, John, I will not tolerate it. Next time I'll take your head off."

"Oh, fuck it," he said, leading her out the door and on the way to the party at the Marriott.