Book of My Mother

XXIII

I WANT HER not to be dead. I want hope, I demand hope. Who will give me a belief in a wondrous life where I shall see my mother again? Brothers, O my brother humans, force me to believe in an everlasting life, but give me good reasons — not all that bunkum which sickens me while, ashamed of the conviction in your eyes, I amiably reply yes, yes. That heaven where I want to see my mother again must be real, not an invention of my distress.

It is to Thee that I appeal, God of my mother, my God whom I love despite my blasphemy born of despair. I appeal to Thee for help. Take pity on this beggar stranded at the edge of the world. I no longer have a mother, I no longer have a Maman, I am all alone and destitute and I appeal to Thee to whom she prayed so much. Give me faith in Thee; give me a belief in an everlasting life. I would pay a billion years in hell for that belief. For after the billion years in that hell where they deny Thy existence I shall be able to see my mother again, and she will welcome me with her little hand shyly at the corner of her lip.