Book of Shadows

CHAPTER 9 Thirsty

Am I losing my mind? I'm changing, changing inside. My mind is expanded. I'm seeing in color now instead of black and white. My universe is moving outward at the speed of light. I'm scared.

The next day I woke early after thrashing unhappily all night. I'd had horribly vivid, realistic dreams, mostly featuring Cal—and Bree. I had kicked off my covers and was freezing now, so I grabbed them and burrowed under again, scared to go hack to sleep.

Lying in bed, I watched my windows as they gradually grew lighter. I almost never saw this time of morning, and my parents were right: There was something magical about it. By six-thirty my parents were up. It was comforting to hear them moving in the kitchen, making coffee, shaking cereal into bowls. At seven Mary K. was in the shower.

I lay on my side and thought about things. Common sense told me Bree had much more of a chance with Cal than I did. I had no chance. I wasn't in Cal's league, and Bree was. Did I want Bree to be happy? Could I sort of live vicariously through Bree if she went out with Cal?

I groaned. How sick is that? I asked myself.

Was I ok with Bree and Cal going out? No. I would rather eat rats. But if I wasn't okay with it and they did get together (and there was no reason to assume they wouldn't), then it would mean losing Bree's friendship. And probably looking pretty stupid.

By the time my alarm went off for school, I had decided to perform the supreme sacrifice and never let Bree know how I felt about Cal, no matter what happened.

"Some people are coming over to my house on Saturday night," Cal said. "I thought we could do a circle again. It's not a holiday or anything. But it'd be cool for us to get together!"

He was hunkered down in front of me, one tanned knee showing through the rip in his faded jeans. My butt was cold as I sat on the school's concrete steps, waiting for the classroom to open up for the math club meeting. As if in recognition of Mabon, last week's autumnal equinox, the air had suddenly acquired a deeper chill.

I let myself drift into his eyes. "Oh," I said, mesmerized by the minute striations of gold and brown circling his pupils.

On Tuesday, Bree had broken up with Chris, and he hadn't taken it well. By Wednesday, Bree was sitting next to Cal at lunch, showing up at school early to talk to him, hanging out with him as much as she could. According to her, they hadn't kissed yet or anything, but she had hopes. It usually didn't take her very long.

Now it was Thursday, and Cal was talking to me.

"Please come," he said, and I felt like he was offering me something dangerous and forbidden. Other students walked past us in the thin afternoon light, glancing at us with curiosity.

"Um," I said in that stunningly articulate way I have. The truth was, I was dying to do another circle, to explore Wicca in person instead of just reading about it. I felt thirsty for it in a way that was unfamiliar to me.

On the other hand, if I went I would see Bree go after Cal, right in front of me. Which would be worse, seeing her do it or imagining her doing it?

"Um, I guess I could," I said.

He smiled, and I literally, literally felt my heart flutter. "Don't sound so enthusiastic," he said. I watched in complete amazement as he picked up a strand of my hair that fell near my elbow and gently tugged on it. I know there are no nerve endings in hair, but at that moment I felt some. A hot flush rose from my neck to my forehead. Oh, Jesus, what a dweeb I am, I thought helplessly.

"I've been reading about Wicca," I blurted out to him. "I… really like it."

"Yeah?" he said.

"Yeah. It just… feels right… in some way" I said, hesitating.

"Really? I'm glad to hear you say that. I was worried you would be scared off after the last circle," Cal settled next to me on the steps.

"No," I said eagerly, not wanting the conversation to end. "I mean, I felt crappy afterward, but I felt… alive, too. It was… like a revelation for me." I glanced up at him. "I can't explain it."

"You don't have to," he said softly. "I know what you mean."

"Are you—are you in a coven?"

"Not anymore," he said. "I left it behind when we moved. I'm hoping that if some people here are into it, we could form a new one."

I drew in a breath. "You mean, we could just… do that?"

Have you ever seen a god laugh? It makes you catch your breath and feel hopeful and shivery and excited all at the same time. That's how it was watching Cal.

"Well, not right away," he clarified with a smile. "Typically you have to study for a year and a day before you can ask to actually join a coven."

"A year and a day," I repeated. "And then you're… what? A witch? Or a warlock?" The names sounded overly dramatic, cartoony. I felt like we were conspirators, the way we were speaking softly, our heads bent toward each other. His silver pendant, which I now knew was a pentacle, a symbol of a witch's belief, dangled in the open vee of his shirt against his skin. Behind Cal, I saw Robbie enter the classroom where the math club was meeting. I would have to go in a minute.

"A witch," Cal said easily. "Even for men."

"Have you done that yet?" I asked. "Been initiated?" The words seemed to have a double meaning, and I prayed I wouldn't blush again.

He nodded. "When I was fourteen."

"Really?"

"Yeah. My mom presided. She's the high priestess of a coven, the Starlocket coven. So I had been studying and learning about it for years. Finally, when I was fourteen, I asked to do it. That was almost four years ago—I'll be eighteen next month."

"Your mom is a high priestess? Does she have a new coven here?" Outside, it was getting dark, and the temperature was dropping. Inside, the math club meeting had already started, and it would be warm and well lit. But Cal was out here.

"Yes," Cal said. "She's pretty famous among Wiccans, so she already knew a bunch of people here when we moved. I go to her circles sometimes, but they're mostly older people. Besides, part of being a witch is teaching other what you know."

"So you're actually a—witch," I said slowly, taking it all in.

"Yep." Cal smiled again and stood up, holding out his hand. Awkwardly I let him pull me to my feel. "And who knows?" he said. "Maybe this time next year, you will be, too. And Raven and Robbie and anyone else, if they want."

Another smile and he was gone, and then it really was dark outside.