Brain

Chapter 5

"My name is Kristin Lindquist," said the young woman waiting at the university's GYN clinic. She managed a smile, but the corners of her mouth trembled slightly. "I have an appointment with Dr. John Schonfeld at eleven-fifteen." It was exactly eleven according to the wall clock.

Ellen Cohen, the receptionist, looked up from her paperback novel at the pretty face smiling down at her. Immediately she saw that Kristin Lindquist was everything Ellen Cohen was not. Kristin had real blond hair, which was as fine as silk, a small turned-up nose, big deep blue eyes, and long shapely legs. Ellen hated Kristin instantly, labeling her in her mind as one of those California sluts. The fact that Kristin Lindquist was from Madison, Wisconsin, would not have made any difference to Ellen. She took a long drag on her cigarette, blowing the smoke out her nose as she scanned the appointment book. She crossed off Kristin's name and told her to take a seat, adding that Kristin would be seeing Dr. Harper, not Dr. Schonfeld.

"Why isn't Dr. Schonfeld going to see me?" asked Kristin. Dr. Schonfeld had been recommended by one of the girls in the dorm.

"Because he's not here. Does that answer your question?"

Kristin nodded, but Ellen didn't notice. She'd returned to her novel, although when Kristin walked away, Ellen watched her with jealous irritation.

It was at that moment that Kristin should have left. She thought about it, realizing that no one would have noticed if she just continued walking the way she'd come. She already disliked the hospital's dilapidated environment, which reminded her of disease and decay. Dr. Walter Peterson in Wisconsin had an office that was clean and fresh, and although Kristin still did not enjoy her semi-annual exam, at least it hadn't been depressing.

But she did not leave. It had taken a significant amount of courage for her to make the appointment, and she was compulsive about finishing what she'd started. So she sat down on the stained vinyl waiting-room chair, crossed her legs, and waited.

The hands of the wall clock advanced painfully slowly and after fifteen minutes Kristin realized the palms of her hands were sweating. She recognized she was becoming more and more anxious, and wondered if there was something psychologically wrong with her. There were six other women in the small waiting room, all of whom seemed calm, a fact which magnified Kristin's distress. It made her sick to think about her internal structure, and coming to the gynecologist forced the whole issue at her in a brutal and unpleasant way.

Picking up a tattered magazine, Kristin tried to divert her mind. She was unsuccessful. Almost every advertisement reminded her of her upcoming ordeal. Then she saw a picture of a man and a woman, and a new concern entered her mind: how long after sex can sperm be found in the vagina? Two nights previously Kristin had seen her boyfriend, Thomas Huron, a senior, and they had slept together. Kristin knew that she'd be humiliated if the doctor could tell.

The relationship with Thomas was the reason Kristin had decided to make an appointment at the clinic. They'd been seeing each other steadily since the fall. As their relationship grew, Kristin realized that trying to decide when it was "safe" was no longer a reasonable method of birth control. Thomas refused to take any responsibility and continually pressured Kristin for more frequent sex. She'd inquired about birth control pills at the student dispensary and had been told she first had to have a gynecological exam at the Med Center. Kristin would have preferred to have gone to her old doctor at home, but her concern for privacy made that impossible.

Taking a deep breath, Kristin realized her stomach was now a knot and she could feel unsettling rumblings in her abdomen. The very last thing she wanted was to get so upset she got diarrhea. Even the thought mortified her. Looking up at the clock, she hoped she wouldn't have to wait much longer.

One hour and twenty minutes later Ellen Cohen called Kristin into one of the exam rooms. The linoleum felt cold to her feet as she undressed behind a small screen. There was one hook and she hung up all her clothes. As she had been directed, she put on hospital gown, which came to mid-thigh and tied at the front. Looking down she noticed her nipples were erect from the cold, poking out through the worn cotton fabric like two hard buttons. She hoped they'd go down before the doctor saw her.

Emerging from behind the curtain, Kristin saw the nurse, Ms. Blackman, arranging instruments on a towel. Kristin averted her eyes, but not before she'd caught an unwanted glimpse of a host of gleaming stainless steel instruments, including a speculum and some forceps. The mere sight of these devices made Kristin feel weak.

"Ah, very good," said Ms. Blackman. "You're quick, and we appreciate that. Come!" Ms. Blackman patted the exam table. "Climb up here now. The doctor will be in shortly." With her foot Ms. Blackman moved a small stool to a strategic position.

Using both hands to clutch at her flimsy gown, Kristin made her way to the examination table. With the metal stirrups jutting off at the end, the table looked like some medieval torture device. She stepped on the stool and sat down facing the nurse.

Ms. Blackman then took a detailed medical history, which impressed Kristin with its thoroughness. No one had ever taken the time to do such a complete job, which included careful inquiries into Kristin's family history. When Kristin had first seen Ms. Blackman, she'd been uneasy, fearing that the nurse was going to be as cold and harsh as her appearance suggested. But during the course of the history-taking, Ms. Blackman was so pleasant and so interested in Kristin as a person that Kristin began to relax. The only symptoms of note that Ms. Blackman wrote down were a mild discharge Kristin had noted over the last several months and occasional intermenstrual spotting, which she'd had as long as she could remember.

"All right, let's get ready for the doctor," said Ms. Blackman, putting aside the chart. "Lie down now and feet in the stirrups."

Kristin complied, vainly trying to hold the edges of her gown together. It was impossible and her composure began to fade once again. The metal stirrups felt like ice, sending a chill through her body.

Ms. Blackman shook open a freshly laundered sheet and draped it over Kristin. Lifting up the end, Ms. Blackman looked beneath. Kristin could almost feel the nurse's gaze on her totally exposed crotch.

"Okay," said Ms. Blackman, "move yourself down to the end of the table."

Using a kind of rotational movement of her hips, Kristin walked her backside toward her feet.

Ms. Blackman, still looking under the sheet, wasn't satisfied. "A little more."

Kristin moved farther until she felt her buttocks half off the end of the table.

"That's fine," said Ms. Blackman, "now relax before Dr. Harper comes in."

Relax! thought Kristin. How could she relax? She felt like a piece of meat in a rack waiting to be pawed over by customers. Behind her was a window and the fact that its drape was not completely closed bothered her immensely.

Without a knock, the door to the exam room opened and a hospital courier thrust his head in. Where were the blood samples that were going to the lab? Ms. Blackman said she'd show him and disappeared.

Kristin was left by herself in the sterile atmosphere, enveloped by the aseptic smell of alcohol. She closed her eyes and took deep breaths. It was the waiting that made it so bad. The other door opened. Kristin raised her head, expecting to see the doctor, but instead saw the receptionist, who asked I where Ms. Blackman was. Kristin only shook her head. The receptionist left, slamming the door. Kristin put her head back and closed her eyes again. She wasn't going to be able to take much more.

Just when Kristin thought she'd get up and leave, the door opened and the doctor strode in.

"Hi, dear, I'm Doctor David Harper. How are you today?"

"Fine," said Kristin limply. Dr. David Harper was not what Kristin had expected. He seemed to be too young to be a doctor. His face had stubby boyish features, which clashed with his almost bald head. His eyebrows were so bushy they didn't look real.

Dr. Harper went over to the small sink and quickly washed his hands. "You're a student at the university?" he asked, reading her chart on the counter. "Yes," answered Kristin. "What are you studying?"

"Art," said Kristin. She knew that Dr. Harper was just making small talk, but she didn't care. In fact, it was a relief to talk after the interminable wait.

"Art: Isn't that nice," said Dr. Harper indifferently. After drying his hands, he tore open a package of latex rubber gloves. In front of Kristin he thrust his hands into them, snapping them noisily back over his wrists, then adjusting each finger in turn. It was done meticulously, like a ritual. Kristin noticed that Dr. Harper had plenty of hair everywhere but on the top of his head. Seen through the sheer latex, the hair on the backs of his hands looked vulgar.

Walking down to the foot of the table, he quizzed Kristin about her mild discharge and her occasional spotting. Obviously he wasn't impressed by either symptom. Without any more delay, he sat down on the small stool, disappearing from Kristin's view. She felt a sense of panic when the bottom edge of the sheet was picked up.

"All right," said Dr. Harper casually. "I want you to scoot down here toward me."

As Kristin moved even farther down the table, the door to the exam room opened and Ms. Blackman entered. Kristin was glad to see her. She felt her legs being pushed apart, to their limit. She couldn't have been more exposed and vulnerable.

"Let's have the Graves' speculum," said Dr. Harper to Ms. Blackman.

Kristin couldn't see what was going on but she heard the sharp clink of metal hitting against metal and it gave her a sinking feeling in the pit of her abdomen.

"Okay," said Dr. Harper. "I want you to relax now."

Before Kristin could respond, a gloved finger spread the lips of her vagina and the muscles of her thighs contracted by reflex. Then she felt the cold intrusion of the metal speculum.

"Come on, relax! When was your last Pap smear?"

It took a few seconds for Kristin to realize the question was being directed at her. "About a year ago." There was a spreading sensation.

Dr. Harper stayed silent. Kristin had no idea what was happening. With the speculum inside of her, she was terrified to move a muscle. Why was it taking so long? The speculum moved slightly and she could hear the doctor murmuring. Was something wrong with her? Lifting her head, Kristin could see that he wasn't even looking at her. He had turned and was bending over the small table, doing something that required both hands. Ms. Blackman was nodding and whispering. Lying back down, Kristin wished he'd hurry and take the speculum out. Then she felt it move, followed by a strange deep sinking sensation in her abdomen.

"Okay," said Dr. Harper finally. The speculum came out as fast as it went in and with only a momentary twinge of pain. Kristin breathed a sigh of relief only to be assaulted by the rest of the examination.

"Your ovaries feel fine," Dr. Harper said finally as he pulled off his soiled gloves, dropping them into a covered pail.

"I'm glad," said Kristin, referring more to the termination of the experience.

After a quick breast exam, Dr. Harper told her she could get dressed. He acted curt and preoccupied. Kristin stepped behind the screen, pulling the curtain closed. She put her clothes on as quickly as possible, afraid the doctor might leave before she had the chance to talk with him. When she emerged from the dressing area she was still buttoning her blouse. It was good timing because Dr. Harper was just completing her chart.

"Dr. Harper," began Kristin. "I wanted to ask about birth control."

"What would you like to know?"

"I'd like to know what would be the best method for me to use."

Dr. Harper shrugged. "Each method has its good points and bad points. As far as you're concerned, I don't think there's any contraindication for using any of the methods. It's a personal choice. Talk to Ms. Blackman about it."

Kristin nodded. She wanted to ask more, but Dr. Harper's abrupt manner made her feel self-conscious.

"Your exam," continued Dr. Harper, as he put his pen back into his jacket pocket and stood up, "was essentially normal. I noticed a slight erosion of your cervix, which would explain your mild discharge. It's nothing. Perhaps we should check it again in a couple of months."

"What is an erosion?" asked Kristin. She wasn't sure she wanted to know.

"It's just an area devoid of the usual epithelial cells," said Dr. Harper. "Do you have any other questions?"

Dr. Harper made it apparent he was in a hurry to end the consultation. Kristin hesitated.

"Well, I've got more patients," said Dr. Harper quickly. "If you need more information on birth control, ask Ms. Blackman. She's very good on counseling. Also, you might bleed a little after the exam, but don't worry about it. See you again in a couple of months." With a final smile, and a pat on the top of Kristin's head, Dr. Harper left.

A moment later the door opened and Ms. Blackman looked in. She seemed surprised that Dr. Harper had left. "That was fast," said Ms. Blackman, picking up the chart. "Come on in the lab and we'll finish you up and get you on your way."

Kristin followed Ms. Blackman into another room with two examining tables as well as long counter tops with all sorts of medical paraphernalia, including a microscope. On the far wall was a glass-fronted instrument cabinet filled with an assortment of evil-appearing devices. Next to it hung an eye chart. Kristin noticed it because it was one of those charts composed only of the letter E.

"Do you wear glasses?" asked Ms. Blackman.

"No," said Kristin.

"Fine," said Ms. Blackman. "Now lie down and we'll draw your blood work."

Kristin did what she was told. "I get a little weak when blood is drawn."

"That's very common," said Ms. Blackman. "That's why we ask you to lie down."

Kristin averted her eyes so she didn't have to see the needle. Ms. Blackman was very fast and afterward she took Kristin's blood pressure and pulse. Then she darkened the room for a vision exam.

Kristin tried to get Ms. Blackman to discuss birth control, but it wasn't until she'd finished her routine that she responded to Kristin's questions. And then she just referred Kristin back to the Family Planning Center at the university, saying that she would have no problems now that she'd had her gynecological exam. Concerning the erosion, Ms. Blackman made a little sketch to be sure everything was clear. Then she took Kristin's phone number and told her that she'd be informed if there were any irregularities with her test results.

With great relief Kristin hurried from the clinic. At last it was over. After all the tension she'd experienced, she decided she'd skip her afternoon class. Reaching the center of the GYN clinic, Kristin felt a little disoriented, forgetting which way she'd come. Turning on her heels, she looked for a sign for the elevators. She spied it on the wall of the nearest corridor. But when the image of the word fell on her retina, something strange happened in Kristin's brain. She felt a peculiar sensation and a slight dizziness, followed by an obnoxious odor. Although she couldn't place the smell, Kristin felt it was strangely familiar.

With a sense of foreboding Kristin tried to ignore the symptoms and pushed her way down the crowded corridor. She had to get out of the hospital. But the dizziness increased and the corridor began to spin. Grabbing an edge of a doorway for support, Kristin closed her eyes. The spinning sensation stopped. At first she was afraid to open her eyes fearing the symptoms would return, and when she did so, she did it gradually. Thankfully the dizziness didn't recur, and in a few moments she was able to let go of the doorjamb.

Before Kristin could take a step, a hand grabbed her upper arm and she recoiled in fright. She was relieved when she saw that it was Dr. Harper.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

"I'm fine," said Kristin quickly, embarrassed to admit her symptoms.

"Are you sure?"

Kristin nodded and for emphasis, pulled her arm from Harper's grip.

"Sorry to bother you then," said Dr. Harper, who excused himself and walked away down the hall.

Kristin watched him merge with the crowd. She took a breath and started for the elevators, her legs rubbery.