Brief Interviews with Hideous Men

PART: 4

FORMAT: SCHEMA

TITLE: ONE FLESH

‘As blindingly sudden and dramatic as any question about any man’s sexual imagination is going to appear, it was not the question itself which caused Jeni Roberts’ epiphany and rapid maturation, but what she found herself gazing at as she asked it.’

— PT. 4 epigraph, in same stilted mode as ‘Adult World (I)’ [→ highlights format change from dramatic/stochastic to schematic/ordered]

1a. Question Jeni Roberts asks is whether Former Lover had indeed in their past relationship ever fantasized about other women during lovemaking w/ her.

1a(1) Inserted at beginning of question is participial phrase ‘After apologizing for how irrational and inappropriate it might sound after all this time…’

1b. At some point during J.’s question, J. follows F.L.’s gaze out fast-food window & sees husband’s special vanity license plate among vehicles in Adult World lot: → epiphany. Epiph unfolds more or less independently as facially asymmetric F.L. responds to J.’s question.

1c. Flat narr description of J.’s sudden pallor & inability to hold decaf steady as J. undergoes sddn blndng realization that hsbnd is a Secret Compulsive Masturbator & that insomnia/yen is cover for secret trips to Adult World to purchase/view/masturbate self raw to XXX films & images & that suspicions of hsbnd’s ambivalence about ‘sexlife together’ have in fact been prescient intuitions & that hsbnd has clearly been suffering from inner deficits/psychic pain of which J.’s own self-conscious anxieties have kept her from having any real idea [point of view (1c) all objective, exterior desc only].

2a. Meanwhile F.L. is answering J.’s orig question in vehement neg, tears appearing in eye: holy shit no, god, no, no, never, had loved her always, was never as fully ‘there’ as when he & J. were making love [if in J.’s p.o.v., insert ‘together’ after ‘love’].

2a(1) At emotional height of dialogue, tears streaming down ¹⁄2 face, F.L. confesses/declares that he still loves J., has all this time, 5 yrs, in fact sometimes still thinks of J. while making love to his current fiancée, which causes him to feel guilty (i.e. ‘like I’m not really there’) drng sex w/ fiancée. [Direct transcription of F.L.’s whole answer/confession → emotional focus of scene is off J. while J. undergoes trauma of sddnly realizing hsbnd is Secret Compulsive Masturbator → avoids nasty problem of trying to convey epiphany in narr expo.]

2b. Coincidence [N.B.: too heavy?]: F.L. confesses that he also still sometimes secretly masturbates to memories of former lovemaking w/ J., sometimes to point of making himself raw/sore. [→ F.L.’s ‘confession’ here both reinforcing J.’s epiph w/r/t male fantasy & providing her w/ much-needed injection of sexual esteem (i.e. it ‘wasn’t her fault’). [N.B. re Theme: implicit sadness of F.L. making soul-rending confession of love while J. is ¹⁄2-distracted by trauma of (1b)/(1c)’s epiph; i.e. = further networks of misconnection, emotional asymmetry.]]

2b(1) Tone of F.L.’s confession trmndsly moving & high-affect, & J. (even tho traumatized w/r/t (1b)/(1c)’s shattering epiphany) never for one nanosec doubts the truth of what F.L. says; feels she ‘really did know this man’ & c.

2b(1a) Narr [not J.] notes sudden appearance of red & demonic-looking gleam in hypertrophic iris of F.L.’s left [‘bad’?] eye, which could be either trick of light or genuine demonic gleam [= p.o.v. shift/ narr intrusion].

2c. Mnwhile F.L., interpreting J.’s pallor & digital palsy as requital/positive response to his declarations of enduring love, begs her to leave hsbnd for him, or alternatively (‘at least’) to proceed now to Holiday Inn just down the expressway & spend rest of afternoon making passionate love [→ w/ dmnc sinistral gleam & c.].

2d. J. (still gone 100 % pale à la Dostoevsky’s Nastasya F.) abruptly acquiesces w/r/t adulterous Holiday Inn interlude [tone flat = ‘“Mm, OK,” she said.’]. F.L. buses tray w/ uneaten entrée & empty cup & creamers & c., follows J. out into fast-food pkng lot. J. waits in Accord while F.L. attempts to sneak own Ford Probe [N.B.: too heavy?] out of M.M. Hyundai lot w/o Messerly or sales reps seeing him leave early on high-pressure end-of-month sales day.

2d(1) J.’s precise mtvation for acquiescing to Holiday Inn interlude left opaque [→ entails that (2d) is in p.o.v. of F.L. only]. Comic dscrptn of F.L. crawling along row of vehicles on hands & knees in attempt to slip into Probe unseen from M.M. showroom has undercurrent of creepiness [→ congruence w/ subthemes of secrecy, creepy incongruity, opaque shame].

3a. J.’s Accord fllws F.L.’s Probe down xprsway toward Hday Inn. Sudden sun-shower forces J. to activate wipers.

3b. F.L. turns into Hday Inn lot, expects to see J.’s Accord turn in behind him. Accord does not turn in, continues down xprsway. [Abrupt p.o.v. change →] J., driving across town toward home, imagines F.L. leaping out of Probe & running dsprtly across Hday Inn lot in downpour to stand at roaring edge of xprsway & watch Accord recede, gradually disappearing in traffic. J. imagines F.L.’s wet/forlorn/asymm image dwndlng in rear-view mirror.

3c. Nearly home, J. finds herself weeping for F.L. & F.L.’s dwndlng image instead of for self. Weeps for hsbnd, ‘… how lonely his secrets must make him’ [p.o.v.?]. Notes this & speculates on significance of ‘weeping for’ [= ‘on behalf of’?] men. Bgning (3c), J.’s thoughts & spclations evince new sophistication/comprehension/maturity. Pulls into home’s driveway feeling ‘[…] queerly exultant.’

3d. Narr intrusion, expo on Jeni Roberts [same flat & pedantic tone as ¶s 3, 4 of ‘A.W.(I)’ PT. 3]: While following F.L.’s teal/aqua Probe down xprsway, J. hadn’t ‘changed mind’ about having secret adulterous sex w/ F.L., rather merely ‘… realized it was unnecessary.’ Understands that she has had life-changing epiphany, has ‘… bec[o]me a woman as well as a wife’ & c. & c.

3d(1) J. hereafter referred to by narr as ‘Ms. Jeni Orzolek Roberts’; hsbnd referred to as ‘the Secret Compulsive Masturbator.’

4a(I) Epiloguous expo on J.O.R. → extension of narrative arc: ‘Ms. Jeni Orzolek Roberts, from that day forward, kept the memory of her lover’s desperate, ¹⁄2-wet face faithfully shaped within her’ & c. Realizes hsbnd has ‘interior deficits’ that ‘… ha[ve] nothing to do with her as a wife[/woman]’ & c. Survives this aftershock of epiphany, + various other standard aftershocks. [Possible mentn of psychotherapy, but now in upbeat terms: psychth now ‘freely chosen’ rather than ‘straw dsprtly clutched at.’] J.O.R. establishes separate investment portfolio w/ substantial positions in gold futures & large-cap mining stock. Quits smoking w/ help of transdermal patches. Realizes/gradually accepts that hsbnd loves his secret loneliness & ‘interior deficits’ more than he loves[/is able to love] her; accepts her ‘unalterable powerlessness’ over hsbnd’s secret cmplsions [possible mention of esoteric Support Group for spouses of S.C.M.’s — any such thing? ‘MastAnon’? ‘Co-Jack’? (N.B.: avoid easy gags)]. Realizes that true wellsprings of love, security, gratification must originate within self ^* ; and w/ this realization, J.O.R. joins rest of adult hmn race, no longer ‘full of herself’/‘immature’/‘irrational’/‘young.’

4a(II) Marriage now enters new, more adult phase [‘honeymoon over’ an easy gag?]. Never once in sbsqnt yrs of marriage do J.O.R. & hsbnd discuss his S.C.M. or interior pain/loneliness/‘deficits’ [N.B.: hammer home fiduciary pun]. J.O.R. doesn’t know whether hsbnd even suspects she knows about his S.C.M. or Discover charges at Adult World; she finds she does not care. J.O.R. reflects w/ amused irony on new ‘significance’ of persistent adlscnt memory of rest-stop graffito. Hsbnd[/‘the S.C.M.’] continues to arise & leave master bdrm in wee hrs; sometimes J.O.R. hears his car start as she ‘… stirs only slightly and returns at once to sleep’ & c. Ceases worrying w/r/t whether hsbnd enjoys ‘sexlife’ w/ her; continues to love [‘ ’?] hsbnd even tho she no longer believes he’s ‘wonderful’ [/‘attentive’?] lvmking partner. Sex between them finds its own level; by 5th yr it’s appr every 2 weeks. Their sex now characterized as ‘nice’—less intense but also less scary [/‘lonely’]. J.O.R. ceases to search hsbnd’s face drng sex [→ metaphor: Theme → eyes closed = ‘eyes open’].

4a(II(1)) Taking ‘authentic responsibility for self,’ J.O.R. ‘… gradually begins exploring masturbation as a wellspring of personal pleasure’ & c. Revisits Adult Wld svrl times; becomes almost a rglr. Purchases 2^nd dildo [N.B.: ‘dildo’ now not captlzd], then ‘Penetrator!!^®’ dildo w/ vibrator, later ‘Pink Pistollero^® Pistol-Grip Massager,’ finally ‘Scarlet Garden MX-1000^® Vibrator with Clitoral Suction and Fully Electrified 12 Inch Cervical Stimulator’ [‘$179.99 retail’]. Narr inserts that J.O.R.’s new dresser/vanity ensemble contains no sachet drawer. [Ironies: J.O.R.’s new hi-tech mastrbtory appliances are (a) manufactured in Asia & (b) displayed on Adult Wld wall labeled MARITAL AIDS (2 hvy/obvious?).] By marriage’s 6^th yr, hsbnd frqntly away on ‘emergency trips to the Pacific Rim’; J.O.R. mastrbting almost daily.

4a(II(1a)) Narr intr, expo: J.O.R.’s most frequent/pleasurable mastrbtion fantasy in 6^th yr of marriage = a faceless, hypertrophic male figure who loves but cannot have J.O.R. spurns all other living women & chooses instead to mastrbte daily to fantasies of lvmking w/ J.O.R.

4a(III) Concl ¶: 7^th, 8^th yr: Hsbnd mastrbtes secretly, J.O.R. openly. Their now-bimonthly sex is ‘… both a submission to and celebration of certain freely embraced realities.’ Neither appears to mind. Narr: binding them now is that deep & unspoken complicity that in adult marriage is covenant/love → ‘They were now truly married, cleaved, ^** one flesh, [a union that] afforded Jeni O. Roberts a cool, steady joy….’

4b. Concl [embed]: ‘… were ready thus to begin, in a calm and mutually respectful way, to discuss having children [together].’