Captains Outrageous

24

We stayed home and Jim Bob went to Mexico. During that time, we played it careful. Leonard decided to pack up his shotgun, vanilla cookies, John’s tea, and move John and Bob the armadillo back to his place for a while. It was out in the country and a little harder to find, and small, easier to protect. There was no certainty that he, or any of us, was in danger, of course, but it was a case of better safe than sorry.

Brett and I hunkered down at her place. I escorted her to work and picked her up, still wearing my chicken plant uniform, my chicken plant revolver on my hip.

Brett wore a little automatic hidden under her nurse uniform. It was in a holster fastened to her thigh. Certainly against hospital rules, but what they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them.

When she changed at night it was a ritual. She’d lift the hem of her dress and show me the little revolver in its white holster, which matched her white nurse uniform and white hose. Then she slid the dress up high enough to show me her panties. Off came the dress, the revolver, the hose, the panties. Finally she was wearing nothing but a smile and a thin fringe of red pubic hair growing back into place.

Now and then, while wearing my chicken plant guard uniform, I’d insist I was the law and thought she ought to be strip-searched, and she’d let me. It was foolish and fun.

We made love a lot during the two weeks Jim Bob was gone. Deep down maybe we figured things could go wrong. Thought we’d try to make up for all the love-making we might miss if one or both of us got killed. Something silly like that.

Whatever, that part of the waiting wasn’t so bad. And I realized that I didn’t just love Brett, I was crazy in love with her. I had never met a woman who made me feel this way.

I thought my first wife, Trudy, was the only one that would ever give me those feelings, but Brett, she was the best yet. She made me truly realize just how childish and puppylike my love for Trudy had been.

At work Leonard and I found ourselves telling Charlie stories. Hadn’t been for Charlie, there were a few times when I wouldn’t have gone home at night, and now, in an odd way, it was my fault he was dead.

I began to gather up guilt. Had I been where I was supposed to be it would have been me. It was supposed to be me.

And then I’d feel something else.

Shame. Shame because I was glad I hadn’t been home, that it hadn’t been me. It was a mix of noxious feelings that didn’t set well on the stomach.

I told Leonard how I felt. He said what he’s said to me before. “Things don’t happen for a reason, Hap. They just happen. It’s got nothing to do with either you or Charlie deserving to die. The guy did this wanted you, you weren’t there. That’s good for you. Charlie was there. That’s bad for Charlie. It’s simplistic, but that’s all there is to it. Some idiot might say things happen for the best. And for you that would be true. But what about Charlie? Was that for his best? Of course not. Neither of you deserved that, but he got it. No rhyme. No reason. Just the way it came together. Once you start realizing it’s got nothing to do with deserving it, you’ll deal with it better.”

“Would you have felt guilty had it been you?”

Leonard was silent for a moment. “Yeah. Yeah I would have. But not like you, brother. I’d have brooded on it for a day, told myself just what I told you, and I’d have moved on. I might have a bump in the night from time to time thinking about it, some wiggle in the back of my brain. But I’d put it in its place, and day by day it would grow smaller, and then it would just be what happened. I’d still love and miss Charlie, but I’d know it wasn’t my fault.”

“Are you saying that just to make me feel better?”

“A little. But I also mean what I say. You can’t carry everyone’s problems, every bad thing that happens to someone you know around on your back like a boulder. That boulder is going to get heavier and heavier, and finally, you won’t be able to bear it. You’ll go down before your time. My advice is feel guilty only about the things that happen to me because of our association and jettison the rest.”