Catch and Release

How Far A One Act Stage Play

SCENE: A restaurant in Hoboken, New Jersey. BILLY CUTLER is at a table for two, reading a thick hardcover novel. DOROTHY MORGAN enters, looks around the room, unsure if this is the man she’s supposed to meet. She goes offstage and returns accompanied by a WAITER, who steers her toward Billy’s table. Billy looks up, and closes his book and stands as she approaches.

BILLY

Billy Cutler. And you’re Dorothy Morgan, and you could probably use a drink. What would you like?

DOROTHY

I don’t know. What are you having?

BILLY

Well, night like this, minute I sat down I ordered a martini, straight up and dry as a bone. And I’m about ready for another.

DOROTHY

Martini’s are in, aren’t they?

BILLY

Far as I’m concerned, they were never out.

DOROTHY

I’ll have one.

BILLY

Joe?

(The waiter withdraws)

It’s treacherous out there. The main roads, the Jersey Turnpike and the Garden State, they get these chain collisions where fifty or a hundred cars slam into each other. Used to be a lawyer’s dream before no-fault came in. I hope you didn’t drive.

DOROTHY

No, I took the PATH train. And then a cab.

BILLY

Much better off.

DOROTHY

Well, I’ve been to Hoboken before. In fact we looked at houses here about a year and a half ago.

BILLY

You bought anything then, you’d be way ahead now. Prices are through the roof.

DOROTHY

We decided to stay in Manhattan.

BILLY

And you knew to take the PATH train. Well, I drove, and the fog’s terrible, no question, but I took my time and I didn’t have any trouble. Matter of fact, I couldn’t remember if we said seven or seven-thirty, so I made sure I was here by seven.

DOROTHY

Then I kept you waiting. I wrote down seven-thirty, but—

BILLY

I figured it was probably seven-thirty. I also figured I’d rather do the waiting myself than keep you waiting. Anyway, I had a book to read, and I ordered a drink, and what more does a man need? Ah, here we go.

(The waiter appears with two drinks on a tray. She takes a sip, relaxes visibly.)

DOROTHY

That was just what I needed.

BILLY

Well, there’s nothing like a martini, and they make a good one here. Matter of fact, it’s a pretty decent restaurant altogether. They serve a good steak, a strip sirloin.

DOROTHY

Also coming back in style, along with the martini.

BILLY

So? You want to be right up with the latest trends? Should I order us a couple of steaks?

DOROTHY

Oh, I don’t think so. I really shouldn’t stay that long.

BILLY

Whatever you say.

DOROTHY

I just thought we’d have a drink and—

BILLY

And handle what we have to handle.

DOROTHY

That’s right.

BILLY

Sure. That’ll be fine.

DOROTHY

(She picks up her drink, sips it, looking for a way back into the conversation.)

Even without the fog, I’d have come by train and taxi. I don’t have a car.

BILLY

No car? Didn’t Tommy say you had a weekend place up near him? You can’t go back and forth on the bus.

DOROTHY

It’s his car.

BILLY

His car. Oh, the fella’s.

DOROTHY

Howard Bellamy’s. His car, his weekend place in the country. His loft on Greene Street, as far as that goes.

BILLY

But you’re not still living there.

DOROTHY

No, of course not. And I don’t have any of my stuff at the house in the country. And I gave back my set of car keys. All my keys, the car and both houses. I kept my old apartment on West Tenth Street all this time. I didn’t even sublet it because I figured I might need it in a hurry. And I was right, wasn’t I?

BILLY

What’s your beef with him exactly, if you don’t mind me asking?

DOROTHY

My beef. I never had one, as far as I was concerned. We lived together three years, and the first two weren’t too bad. Trust me, it was never Romeo and Juliet, but it was all right. And then the third year was bad, and it was time to bail out.

(She reaches for her drink, surprised to note it’s empty.)

He says I owe him ten thousand dollars.

BILLY

Ten large.

DOROTHY

He says.

BILLY

Do you?

DOROTHY

(shakes her head no)

But he’s got a piece of paper. A note I signed.

BILLY

For ten thousand dollars.

DOROTHY

Right.

BILLY

Like he loaned you the money.

DOROTHY

Right. But he didn’t. Oh, he’s got the paper I signed, and he’s got a canceled check made out to me and deposited to my account. But it wasn’t a loan. He gave me the money and I used it to pay for a cruise the two of us took.

BILLY

Where? The Caribbean?

DOROTHY

The Far East. We flew to Singapore and cruised down to Bali.

BILLY

That sounds pretty exotic.

DOROTHY

I guess it was. This was while things were still good between us, or as good as they ever were.

BILLY

This paper you signed.

DOROTHY

Something with taxes. So he could write it off, don’t ask me how. Look, all the time we lived together I paid my own way. We split expenses right down the middle. The cruise was something else, it was on him. If he wanted me to sign a piece of paper so the government would pick up part of the tab—

BILLY

Why not?

DOROTHY

Exactly. And now he says it’s a debt, and I should pay it, and I got a letter from his lawyer. Can you believe it? A letter from a lawyer?

BILLY

He’s not going to sue you.

DOROTHY

Who knows? That’s what the lawyer letter says he’s going to do.

BILLY

The minute he goes into court and you start testifying about a tax dodge—

DOROTHY

But how can I, if I was a party to it?

BILLY

Still, the idea of him suing you after you were living with him. Usually it’s the other way around, isn’t it? They got a word for it.

DOROTHY

Palimony.

BILLY

That’s it, palimony. You’re not trying for any, are you?

DOROTHY

Are you kidding? I said I paid my own way.

BILLY

That’s right, you did say that.

DOROTHY

I paid my own way before I met him, the son of a bitch, and I paid my own way while I was with him, and I’ll go on paying my own way now that I’m rid of him. The last time I took money from a man was when my Uncle Ralph lent me bus fare to New York when I was eighteen years old. He didn’t call it a loan, and he sure as hell didn’t give me a piece of paper to sign, but I paid him back all the same. I saved up the money and sent him a money order. I didn’t even have a bank account. I got a money order at the post office and sent it to him.

BILLY

That’s when you came here? When you were eighteen?

DOROTHY

Fresh out of high school. And I’ve been on my own ever since, and paying my own way. I would have paid my own way to Singapore, as far as that goes, but that wasn’t the deal. It was supposed to be a present. And he wants me to pay my way and his way, he wants the whole ten thousand plus interest, and—

BILLY

He’s looking to charge you interest?

DOROTHY

Well, the note I signed. Ten thousand dollars plus interest at the rate of eight percent per annum.

BILLY

Interest.

DOROTHY

He’s pissed off that I wanted to end the relationship. That’s what this is all about.

BILLY

I figured.

DOROTHY

And what I figured is if a couple of the right sort of people had a talk with him, maybe he would change his mind.

BILLY

And that’s what brings you here.

(She nods. She’s toying with her empty glass. He points to it, raises his eyebrows. She nods, he raises a hand, catches the offstage waiter’s eye, signals for another round.)

DOROTHY

(pause)

I didn’t know who to call, and then I thought of Tommy, and he said maybe he knew somebody.

BILLY

And here you are.

DOROTHY

And here I am, and—

(He holds up a hand, cutting her off, and the waiter appears, and they’re silent until he has served their drinks and withdrawn.)

BILLY

A couple of the boys could talk to him.

DOROTHY

That would be great. What would it cost me?

BILLY

Five hundred dollars would do it.

DOROTHY

Well, that sounds good to me.

BILLY

The thing is, when you say talk, it’ll have to be more than talk. You want to make an impression, situation like this, the implication is either he goes along with it or something physical is going to happen. Now, if you want to give that impression, you have to get physical at the beginning.

DOROTHY

So he knows you mean it?

BILLY

So he’s scared. Because otherwise what he gets is angry. Not right away, but later. Two tough-looking guys push him against a wall and tell him what he’s gotta do, that scares him, but then they don’t get physical and he goes home, and he starts to think about it, and he gets angry.

DOROTHY

I can see how that might happen.

BILLY

But if he gets knocked around a little the first time, enough so he’s gonna feel it for the next four, five days, he’s too scared to get angry. That’s what you want.

DOROTHY

Okay.

BILLY

(Sips his drink, looks at her over the brim)

There’s things I need to know about the guy.

DOROTHY

Like?

BILLY

Like what kind of shape is he in.

DOROTHY

He could stand to lose twenty pounds, but other than that he’s okay.

BILLY

No heart condition, nothing like that?

DOROTHY

No.

BILLY

He work out?

DOROTHY

He belongs to a gym, and he went four times a week for the first month after he joined, and now if he gets there twice a month it’s a lot.

BILLY

Like everybody. That’s how the gyms stay in business. If all their paid-up members showed up, you couldn’t get in the door.

DOROTHY

You work out.

BILLY

Well, yeah. Weights, mostly, a few times a week. I got in the habit. I won’t tell you where I got in the habit.

DOROTHY

And I won’t ask, but I could probably guess.

BILLY

(grinning)

You probably could.

(back to business)

Martial arts. He ever get into any of that?

DOROTHY

No.

BILLY

You’re sure? Not lately, but maybe before the two of you started keeping company?

DOROTHY

He never said. And he would, it’s the kind of thing he’d brag about.

BILLY

Does he carry?

DOROTHY

Carry?

BILLY

A gun.

DOROTHY

God, no.

BILLY

You know this for a fact?

DOROTHY

He doesn’t even own a gun.

BILLY

Same question. Do you know this for a fact?

DOROTHY

Well, how would you know something like that for a fact? I mean, you could know for a fact that a person did own a gun, but how would you know that he didn’t? I can say this much — I lived with him for three years and there was never anything I saw or heard that gave me the slightest reason to think he might own a gun. Until you asked the question just now it never entered my mind, and my guess is it never entered his mind, either.

BILLY

You’d be surprised how many people own guns.

DOROTHY

I probably would.

BILLY

Sometimes it feels like half the country walks around strapped. There’s more carrying than there are carry permits. A guy doesn’t have a permit, he’s likely to keep it to himself that he’s carrying, or that he even owns a gun in the first place.

DOROTHY

I’m pretty sure he doesn’t own a gun, let alone carry one.

BILLY

And you’re probably right, but the thing is you never know. What you got to prepare for is he might have a gun, and he might be carrying it.

(he waits while she takes this in and nods)

So here’s what I’ve got to ask you. What you got to ask yourself, and come up with the answer. How far are you prepared for this to go?

DOROTHY

I’m not sure what you mean.

BILLY

We already said it’s gonna be physical. Manhandling him, and a couple of shots he’ll feel for the better part of a week. Work the rib cage, say.

DOROTHY

All right.

BILLY

Well, that’s great, if that’s how it goes. But you got to recognize it could go farther.

DOROTHY

What do you mean?

BILLY

I mean you can’t necessarily decide where it stops. I don’t know if you ever heard the expression, but it’s like, uh, having relations with a gorilla. You don’t stop when you decide. You stop when the gorilla decides.

DOROTHY

I never heard that before. It’s cute, and I sort of get the point, or maybe I don’t. Is Howard Bellamy the gorilla?

BILLY

He’s not the gorilla. The violence is the gorilla.

DOROTHY

Oh.

BILLY

You start something, you don’t know where it goes. Does he fight back? If he does, then it goes a little farther than you planned. Does he keep coming back for more? As long as he keeps coming back for it, you got to keep dishing it out. You got no choice.

DOROTHY

I see.

BILLY

Plus there’s the human factor. The boys themselves, they don’t have an emotional stake. So you figure they’re cool and professional about it.

DOROTHY

That’s what I figured.

BILLY

But it’s only true up to a point, because they’re human, you know? So they start out making themselves angry with the guy, they tell themselves how he’s a lowlife piece of garbage, so it’s easier for them to shove him around. Part of it’s an act but part of it’s not, and say he mouths off, or fights back and gets in a good lick. Now they’re really angry, and maybe they do more damage than they intended to.

DOROTHY

I can see how that could happen.

BILLY

So it could go farther than anybody had in mind. He could wind up in the hospital.

DOROTHY

You mean like broken bones?

BILLY

Or worse. Like a ruptured spleen, which I’ve known of cases. Or as far as that goes there’s people who’ve died from a bare-knuckle punch in the stomach.

DOROTHY

I saw a movie where that happened.

BILLY

Well, I saw a movie where a guy spreads his arms and flies, but dying from a punch in the stomach, they didn’t just make that up for the movies. It can happen.

DOROTHY

Now you’ve got me thinking.

BILLY

Well, it’s something you got to think about. Because you have to be prepared for this to go all the way, and by all the way I mean all the way. It probably won’t, ninety-five times out of a hundred it won’t.

DOROTHY

But it could.

BILLY

Right. It could.

DOROTHY

Jesus. He’s a son of a bitch, but I don’t want him dead. I want to be done with the son of a bitch. I don’t want him on my conscience for the rest of my life.

BILLY

That’s what I figured.

DOROTHY

But I don’t want to pay him ten thousand dollars either, the son of a bitch. This is getting complicated, isn’t it?

BILLY

(getting to his feet)

Let me excuse myself for a minute, and you think about it, and we’ll talk some more.

(He goes to the men’s room. She takes a small sip from her half-empty glass, sets it down, picks up his book, examines it, puts it back. He comes back.)

DOROTHY

Well, I thought about it.

BILLY

And?

DOROTHY

I think you just talked yourself out of five hundred dollars.

BILLY

That’s what I figured.

DOROTHY

Because I certainly don’t want him dead, and I don’t even want him in the hospital. I have to admit I like the idea of him being scared, really scared bad. And hurt a little. But that’s just because I’m angry.

BILLY

Anybody’d be angry.

DOROTHY

But when I get past the anger, all I really want is for him to forget this crap about ten thousand dollars. For Christ’s sake, that’s all the money I’ve got in the world. I don’t want to give it to him.

BILLY

Maybe you don’t have to.

DOROTHY

What do you mean?

BILLY

I don’t think it’s about money. Not for him. It’s about sticking it to you for dumping him, or whatever. So it’s an emotional thing and it’s easy for you to buy into it. But say it was a business thing. You’re right and he’s wrong, but it’s more trouble than it’s worth to fight it out. So what you do is settle.

DOROTHY

Settle?

BILLY

You always paid your own way, so it wouldn’t be out of the question for you to pay half the cost of the cruise, would it?

DOROTHY

No, but—

BILLY

But it was supposed to be a present, from him to you. But forget that for the time being. You could pay half.

(beat)

Still, that’s too much. What you do is offer him two thousand dollars. I have a feeling he’ll take it.

DOROTHY

God, I can’t even talk to him. How am I going to offer him anything?

BILLY

You’ll have someone else make the offer.

DOROTHY

You mean like a lawyer?

BILLY

Then you owe the lawyer. No, I was thinking I could do it.

DOROTHY

Are you serious?

BILLY

I wouldn’t have said it if I wasn’t. I think if I was to make the offer he’d accept it. I wouldn’t be threatening him, but there’s a way to do it so a guy feels threatened.

DOROTHY

(sizing him up)

He’d feel threatened, all right.

BILLY

I’ll have your check with me, two thousand dollars, payable to him. My guess is he’ll take it, and if he does you won’t hear any more from him on the subject of the ten grand.

DOROTHY

So I’m out of it for two thousand. And five hundred for you?

BILLY

I wouldn’t charge you anything.

DOROTHY

Why not?

BILLY

All I’d be doing is having a conversation with a guy. I don’t charge for conversations. I’m not a lawyer, I’m just a guy owns a couple of parking lots.

DOROTHY

And reads thick novels by young Indian writers.

BILLY

Oh, this? You read it?

(she shakes her head no)

It’s hard to keep the names straight, especially when you’re not sure how to pronounce them in the first place. And it’s like if you ask this guy what time it is he tells you how to make a watch. Or maybe a sun dial. But it’s pretty interesting.

DOROTHY

I never thought you’d be a reader.

BILLY

Billy Parking Lots. Guy who knows guys and can get things done. That’s probably all Tommy said about me.

DOROTHY

Just about.

BILLY

Maybe that’s all I am. Reading, well, it’s an edge I got on just about everybody I know. It opens other worlds. I don’t live in those worlds, but I get to visit them.

DOROTHY

And you just got in the habit of reading? The way you got in the habit of working out?

BILLY

(laughs)

No, reading’s something I’ve done since I was a kid. I didn’t have to go away to get in that particular habit.

DOROTHY

I was wondering about that.

BILLY

Anyway, it’s hard to read there, harder than people think. It’s noisy all the time.

DOROTHY

Really? I didn’t realize. I always figured that’s when I’d get to read War and Peace, when I got sent to prison. But if it’s noisy, then the hell with it. I’m not going.

BILLY

You’re something else.

DOROTHY

Me?

BILLY

Yeah, you. The way you look, of course, but beyond the looks. The only word I can think of is class, but that’s a word that’s mostly used by people that haven’t got any themselves. Which is probably true enough.

DOROTHY

The hell with that. After the conversation we just had? Talking me out of doing something I could have regretted all my life, and figuring out how to get that son of a bitch off my back for two thousand dollars? I’d call that class.

BILLY

Well, you’re seeing me at my best.

DOROTHY

And you’re seeing me at my worst, or close to it. Looking to hire a guy to beat up an ex-boyfriend. That’s class, all right.

BILLY

That’s not what I see.

DOROTHY

Oh?

BILLY

I see a woman who won’t let herself be pushed around. And if I can find a way that helps you get where you want to be, then I’m glad to do it. But when all’s said and done, you’re a lady. And I’m a wiseguy.

DOROTHY

I don’t know what you mean.

BILLY

Yes, you do.

DOROTHY

Yes, I guess I do.

BILLY

Drink up. I’ll run you back to the city.

DOROTHY

You don’t have to do that. I can take the PATH train.

BILLY

I’ve got to go into the city anyway. It’s not out of my way to take you wherever you’re going.

DOROTHY

If you’re sure.

BILLY

I’m sure. Or here’s another idea. We both have to eat, and I told you they serve a good steak here. Let me buy you dinner, and then I’ll run you home.

DOROTHY

Dinner.

BILLY

A shrimp cocktail, a salad, a steak, a baked potato—

DOROTHY

You’re tempting me.

BILLY

So let yourself be tempted. It’s just a meal.

DOROTHY

No. It’s more than a meal.

BILLY

It’s more than that if you want it to be. Or it’s just a meal, if that’s what you want.

DOROTHY

But you can’t know how far it might go. We’re back to that again, aren’t we? Like what you said about the gorilla, and you stop when the gorilla wants to stop.

BILLY

I guess I’m the gorilla, huh?

DOROTHY

You said the violence was the gorilla. Well, in this case it’s not violence, but it’s not you or me, either. It’s what’s going on between us, and it’s already going on, isn’t it?

BILLY

You tell me.

DOROTHY

(looks down at her hands, then up at him)

A person has to eat.

BILLY

You said it.

DOROTHY

And it’s still foggy outside.

BILLY

Like pea soup. And who knows? There’s a good chance the fog’ll lift by the time we’ve had our meal.

DOROTHY

I wouldn’t be a bit surprised. You know something? I think it’s lifting already.

CURTAIN