Cherry Girl

1

I remember the very first time I ever saw him. That first moment our paths crossed. The memory is branded into my head with indelible clarity. As clear as fine crystal with bright sunlight shining through it.

I was ten years old when my brother Ian brought him home for dinner. He sat across from me at our family table. I probably looked like a total idiot gawking at him, but he didn’t seem to mind my staring. Good thing, because even then I couldn’t take my eyes away. Neil was beautiful to me when I laid my child’s eyes upon him for the first time. Purely and simply beautiful.

It didn’t matter that he was seven years older and totally uninterested in a gangly little girl with braces on her teeth who was definitely not anything close to beautiful.

He winked at me when he caught me sneaking a peek over a bite of Mum’s delicious buns. I remember that gesture of his made me feel strange inside, like everything was squished together and turned to mush. Feeling shy and self-conscious, I tried to come to grips with the knowledge that I had met the boy I had every intention of marrying someday.

Yes, it’s true. I fell in love with Neil McManus when I was a child. I am sure of how I felt, just as I am sure the feelings didn’t go both ways. I watched him go through plenty of girlfriends over the years, too. What I don’t remember is if he said anything to me that very first time we met. I do know he looked my mother in the eye with respect, and thanked her for the delicious dinner. That impressed me, even then. Even in my ten-year-old mind, I could read in him the deep appreciation he had for what Mum had easily offered to a guest in our home. I could tell that Neil was not accustomed to cozy dinners at the family table. He appreciated something I took for granted every day. He was just a young friend my brother had dragged home from God knows where, and from whatever trouble they’d been deep into, but he became something more than that from the very beginning. At least, for me he did.

Neil showed up for dinner quite often after that first meeting. Some days it felt like he was my new brother who’d just moved in with us. Other times, he’d show up after a few weeks’ absence, wearing a hollow look in his dark, dark eyes. His home life was shit, apparently. No mum, just a dad of some sort who didn’t care about him. My dad wasn’t around a great deal either, but it wasn’t because he didn’t want us, it was because he travelled a lot for his job. I missed my father, of course, so I suppose it was natural for me to connect with an older male figure that was always nice to me, and didn’t act like I carried the plague.

Neil called me Cherry Girl due to the colour of my hair. I’d have to agree with him on that. My hair was pretty much the colour of one of those dark cherries—nearly black with an undertone of deep red running through it. Neil told me my hair was very beautiful, and that small gesture was enough for my self-confidence to blossom. I took his compliment and ran with it.

I remember when he touched my hair for the first time, too. The memory is as perfect as day it happened and I couldn’t forget if I wanted to. Because it was also the first time he rescued me…

The cricket field stretched out to meet the forest edge a fair distance back. When I was eleven, on a summery Sunday afternoon, I had been sitting on the fence watching the local team play cricket. Neil and Ian were there too. I’d seen them strolling through talking to girls and other friends they knew. I was content to watch the match from my perch on the fence and blend into the background. The warm day brought out the crowd and space had become a premium, I guess. When a noisy, obnoxious group came through, being so small, I just got swallowed up in the melee that resulted.

A disputed call by the official started the ruckus. Then a fight broke out in front of me with two blokes pounding into each other, with no regard for who they might include with their misfires. I didn’t duck out of the way fast enough, and was shanked by a fist that relieved me of my front-row fence spot. And right onto my left forearm, which managed to find a large rock to land on. Lucky me.

I heard the crack of bone, felt the pain, saw the brutal blows of the two brawlers, and smelled the beer that’d been sprayed about when the first punch was thrown.

I clutched my arm and tried to breathe, crying through the pain, sure that nobody would ever see me, let alone help me out.

I was wrong though.

The sweetest sound was Neil’s voice in my ear saying, “I’ve got you, Cherry Girl, and you’re going to be just fine.”

“My arm hurts,” I told him through the tears.

“I know, darlin’.”

“I heard a noise…like something snapped. Does that mean it’s broken?” I wailed.

He picked me up and shouted something to my brother, the anger in his expression darkening his eyes to a frightening black as he eyeballed the two who’d caused my injury. I wouldn’t want to be either one of those idiot blokes, confirmed by what I found out a day later.

Neil stroked my hair and sat with me until the doctor could cast my arm. And then when he actually set the bone. The bone setting hurt, but the gentle reassurance and soft touch of Neil’s hand on my hair almost made it cancel out. “Look at me, Cherry. Keep your eyes on me,” he’d said with a smile, his hand moving slowly down my head over and over.

The next day, Neil brought some visitors by my house. Armed with humility and the telltale evidence of a second round of beatings courtesy of Ian and Neil, the two fools responsible for my broken arm arrived with flowers and apologies for me, and my panicked mum. My dad had a go ‘round as well with them when he returned home from his business trip. Poor bastards didn’t stand a chance, and it was safe to say they were scared straight onto a much more righteous path after that.

Neil’s actions with me in my time of need cemented his place in our family for good. He basically became a second son to my parents and everyone seemed to understand and settle into this knowledge. I had to accept that Mum and Dad loved Neil too…which meant I had to share him with everyone in my family.

I wouldn’t even let my best friend sign my cast until Neil did first. My knight in shining armor.

Back then.

When I was fourteen, and he was twenty-one, he joined the army and went away to fight for Britain. Mum and Dad had a goodbye party for him, and I remember how it seemed totally normal that we threw the going-away celebration for him and not his own family. Not that they had ever shown an ounce of interest that we’d seen expressed. It made me sad to realize that I could not recall even a single conversation where Neil ever spoke about anything personal in all the time he was around our family. The information I did know about him had always come from my brother, Ian.

The Morrison family had claimed Neil McManus for their own, and that was simply the way it was going to be.

When it was time to say our goodbyes I got shy, struggling with the words I wanted to say, but knew didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of forming on my lips. I didn’t want Neil to leave without a proper send-off, but I was also totally self-conscious like any young girl would be with an adult man she adored and thought walked on water. I also waited until his girlfriend Cora had gone to the loo. I didn’t care for Cora much at all and surely wouldn’t have her fouling up my coveted goodbye to Neil. I wasn’t stupid, just at a disadvantage.

“So, Cherry Girl, don’t go falling off any fences or getting into the middle of a bunch of sodding idiots brawling while I’m away, all right?” His dark eyes twinkled with teasing so that I couldn’t help but return a smile as they swallowed me up.

“I won’t.”

“I’ll have a hard time cracking heads all the way here from over in Afghanistan.”

I looked at the floor and gulped down the lump that had suddenly formed in my throat. “Nobody will bother with me. They never do,” I said.

He dipped his head to find my eyes, waiting for me to look up. “I think that’s about to change, Cherry. You’re growing far too pretty for your own good. The blokes are going to be all over you and they’d better be nice. Ian’s got strict instructions to keep the crowds of arseholes at bay and make sure I’m regularly updated.”

I blushed to the roots of my hair and gathered the courage to give him my gift. “I made you something.” I handed the small packet to him and waited while he opened it, his big hands moving the tissue paper carefully aside. “It’s a bracelet,” I blurted, “for luck…to keep you safe.” I held up my own wrist. “I made one for me too. It has the infinity symbol and two good luck owls…I’ll say a prayer for you every day and this will help me to remember,” I trailed off, feeling shy again. “Be really careful over there, Neil, I want you to come back.”

He brushed over the black-braided leather with the charms I’d added and smiled before looking up at me. “I will,” he said in a whisper. The expression Neil wore was different this time. Something I’d never seen from him before, at least not directed at me personally. His eyes seemed like they could be a little watery too. We were definitely having a moment.

He brought a hand up to my cheek and held it there for a moment. “Thank you.” He slipped the bracelet onto his wrist and tightened it. “I’m going to miss you very much, Cherry…and I’ll wear this, and be the luckiest bloke in the British Army.” He held his wrist up to show my bracelet before wrapping me into a hug with his big arms.

“I’m going to miss you too, Neil.” And, I love you. I breathed in the smell of him and held onto it, hoping he would return safely someday, that the war would not take him away from us forever.

I felt his soft lips against the side of my temple and got the squishy feeling in my insides again. I didn’t want to pull away, but the awkwardness of my young emotions bouncing all over the place made me self-conscious.

“Don’t you ever change, Cherry Girl. Stay just how you are right now. You’re utterly perfect.”

Those were Neil’s final words to me before he left to be a soldier.

2

Nothing stays the same though, and I did change. A great deal. It’s impossible for life to stand still and of course, it never will. Change is inevitable in all of us.

The year Neil joined the army was also the same year everything changed at home for my family. Hell, everything changed all over the world.

September 11 happened.

My father was on the flight that crashed into the Pentagon building in Washington D.C. during the attacks. He’d been there for business and on his way to Los Angeles when the plane was hijacked and taken down. One of the sixty odd British nationals to lose their lives on that fateful day. My father was ripped away from us and we would never see him again. I guess that was the moment when I passed out of childhood and left it behind me. The innocence of my prior life was gone. Forever.

Time to grow up.

The horribleness of that year was really clouded for me. There are some things I remember clearly that were insignificant at the time, and other things I should have memories of, but are just…gone.

Like Dad’s funeral for instance. I know we had a service for him, I’ve seen the pictures in an album, but I don’t remember a thing about it or being there, or who came to pay their respects, or if I even spoke to them. I have nothing but blankness about that day. However I do remember stupid things like what shoes I was wearing when we watched the news on television and saw the pictures of fires and wreckage and crashed plane parts that took my gentle and loving father from me.

My red Chuck’s with black laces.

It’s funny how our subconscious can hold onto some memories and not others. Like the letter that Neil sent to me personally, shortly after it happened. I remember that very well, because I still have it safe in a box with all my other precious mementos.

Dear Elaina,

There aren’t proper words to express the depth of my sadness for your unbearable loss. I want to be home in England more than anything right now, but it is out of the question for the time being. Your father was the best of men. He loved his wife and children and worked hard for you all so you could have a safe and comfortable life. He was a true man in every sense of the word. This mad world we live in could use a great deal more men like George Morrison in it. He will be greatly missed. I wish so badly that I could be there for you and Ian, and your sweet mum right now. Please know that I am thinking about you and sending my love to you all. You are never far from my thoughts, Cherry. Don’t ever forget it.

Yours always,

Neil

His letter was written hastily on military-issue stationary, which spoke to the hectic pace the army was keeping right after the attacks. Neil was busy fighting a war against terrorism and I was busy trying to grow up, and accept the fact that I had only one parent left in my life. Ian was busy at university and his career in law. Our mum was busy drowning her grief in glasses of gin.

We were all very, very busy getting on with our lives and doing our jobs. Isolated. Alone.

My dad had done well by us though, and there were settlements from his life insurance, the airlines, and the US government, so money was not the issue. No, it was more so the void and abruptness that we were forced to accept that he was never coming back to us.

Never.

I understood the finality of death then and took my newfound knowledge to heart, closing off a little of myself, in an effort to prevent such terrible hurt from ever happening to me again.

Foolish, foolish girl.

My mum has always loved to cook. She still does, and just like that very first night when Neil joined our family for dinner, she embraced him as a son whenever he was on leave from the army, with huge home-cooked dinners. It was a given that he would come to see us, but now when Mum cooked in her kitchen, a hi-ball glass of gin and tonic stood at the ready to see her through. I cannot fault my mother. She was still a good mum and devoted to my brother and me with all her heart, she just wasn’t as “present” or aware of my activities following the tragedy, as she normally would have been.

I had the open road of freedom dumped in my lap at a time when I needed censure.

As a confused and grieving teenager, I embraced the opportunity. Hell, I grabbed onto it with everything I had and then some.

By the summer I was seventeen, I had experienced just about everything you wouldn’t want your teenage daughter doing. Yes, that was me. Parties, alcohol, smoking…boys. I sampled just about everything, and came out of my experience a little older, somewhat wiser, and a lot insecure about myself, and with no idea about what I wanted for my life. Well, I knew one thing I wanted.

Neil.

I still wanted him.

And Neil had been right about one thing.

The boys were all over me as I matured. I think he would have wished I was more selective in who I allowed to be “all over” me. Actually, I knew he wished I were more selective. I noticed the hard looks from him whenever he was home on leave, evaluating my boyfriend of the moment, his dark eyes ever watchful. The fact that he paid any attention to me at all was both wonderful and the bane of my existence. He was taken, you see. Neil had a girlfriend that just wouldn’t let her claws out of him.

He would never look at me as a woman while she was wrapped around his cock. That was what I believed anyway.

I had run through a slew of guys since he first went off to war, while Neil had stuck with Cora and been her loyal man. Why, I do not know. I couldn’t stand her and knew she messed around with others blatantly behind his back whenever he was deployed. I often wondered how he couldn’t see right through her. Or if he did see, and didn’t care. I figured his mates had been telling him what she was doing when he wasn’t around. Ian had to know and should be telling him, I reasoned. Was Neil with Cora just for the sex? Ugh. I hated to think about them together, and at the same time I tried to forget about him. Forget that he would never belong to me. Forget that our time could never come. Forget about ever having the man I loved all for myself.

The following summer after I finished school, was when we crossed over into a new and strange territory together. The “ringing” of our proverbial bell came to pass, as it were. The spark that started a flame, that started a blaze, that started a forest fire, which would leave burns and scorch marks in its wake? This became part of our landscape.

Neil came home on a leave from the army that summer. When I was still eighteen, and he was twenty-five. That was the time when it finally happened for us…

3

I saw Neil in the pub when I went in after classes one evening.

Despite my destructive choices, I’d somehow managed to escape without too many bumps and bruises along the way. I don’t know how I never got arrested, or pregnant, or worse, but I was very, very grateful for my good fortune. Or mostly, I realized my random luck for the miracle it truly was.

Somehow I’d finally gotten my act together enough to figure out what I hoped would be my “calling” in life. It appeared I had been blessed with a knack for languages. And my studies in French and Italian were helping me to figure out what I’d like to do with my skill. I’d applied to go abroad as an au pair, working my way across Europe, with families who needed care for their young children, while I honed my studies in the local language. First on my list was Italy, then France, and maybe if things worked out, eventually I’d get to work in Spain and Germany too. I desperately wanted away from home and to be on my own. So this was my naïve plan to make that happen.

Neil had been on a leave for nearly three weeks when he showed up at the pub alone one night, looking like a beautiful golden god in his jeans, black T-shirt and black Doc’s. Simply clothed, but perfectly gorgeous in his skin, miles of soldier-hardened muscles filling out the clothes as elegantly as a male model would. Emphasis on the “male.” Neil was all male strength and power, and commanded respect just by how he moved in a room, military service notwithstanding. The size of him didn’t hurt others’ impressions either. He was a large man, tall and muscular where it counted, yet he was noted by all—male and female—both for his physical presence and his strong character. Watching him converse with acquaintances who wanted to catch up and express their admiration for his service in the army, I saw easily how people held him in great esteem and respect. In contrast, his young life had been so very different—so devoid of anything resembling the praise he was receiving from the citizens in the pub—that I was happy for him. It was right and proper that everyone noticed Neil McManus, because he very much deserved it.

The subtle confidence in his manner, the purposeful movements as he talked to people, the sound of his voice, all made me insane with wanting to be close to him, to put my hands on him. I craved the right to be able to touch him and have it be welcomed. I would have sold my soul to the devil to see him looking at me with something other than big-brother-is-only-here-to-keep-you-from-harm, little girl.

I had been drinking for an hour at least when he pulled up beside me and ordered a beer. The troubles with my boyfriend of the moment, Denny, had put me in a foul mood. He’d called me earlier, begging me to come down to the pub and meet him so he could “make it up to me.” Whatever that meant, since we were so finished. Yeah, finding Denny shagging some blonde tart in the alley behind the pub, had pretty much put the death knell in our relationship, and I knew I’d never trust him again.

I don’t even know what I was thinking by going there to meet him anyway.

Denny was all kinds of trouble and he’d scratched that itch in me to be a rebel, I suppose. He was a young man with a dad who had a bit of brass. Enough to keep him flush with money and a flashy motorbike, and all things superficial that didn’t really matter at all.

Things that made Denny the polar opposite of Neil in terms of character.

He hung with a cycle gang of sorts that dabbled in the illicit and illegal. I’d simply pretended to be unaware, but I was pretty sure Denny was dealing drugs as a side business of his main one—that of being a spoilt prick. If my father were still alive, I wouldn’t have ever hooked up with Denny, or probably with any guy for that matter.

I’d most likely still be a virgin. An innocent. A pang of guilt and sadness washed over me at the thought of my dad. I missed him still…so very much, and knew he would be sorely disappointed in me if he could see where I was, and what I had been doing.

If I was honest, Denny’s betrayal didn’t really hurt me as much as I let on with him. I hoped to have a place in Italy by summer’s end, and if everything worked out, Denny Tompkins would be just another memory from my rebellious past, that could fade away with very little bother to me.

I wanted out of England and to forget about all of the things I couldn’t have, and all of the things I’d done.

Right now I had Neil sitting on the barstool just beside me but nowhere close enough for what I desired. Not fair. I took a huge gulp from my glass.

“Don’t you think you need to slow it down, Cherry?” he asked in his quiet way, managing to sound direct even though he spoke softly.

“Why should I? I’m not bothering anybody.” I gave him a thorough look and inhaled, catching a whiff of his manly scent that did more to hasten my drunkenness than the wine I kept pouring down my throat.

“That’s not true.”

“Why, whatever do you mean, Neil?” I stared and watched him for a reaction, my curiosity piqued.

“It bothers me seeing you unhappy and getting drunk at the bar. It bothers me a lot.” He narrowed his eyes a little and swept those nearly black beauties back and forth in an effort to read me.

“What makes you think I’m unhappy?”

He swept a hand in front of me. “This is supposed to look like happiness?” He gave his head a shake and took a drink off his beer. “I don’t think so, Cherry.”

“I was waiting for Denny to show up and apologize,” I confessed, mimicking his hand gesture toward my own body, “but he’s probably off shagging the same twit from last time behind my back. Who am I kidding? These things happen.” I shrugged at Neil, hoping he was getting my veiled reference to his totally unsuitable girlfriend Cora, loud and clear.

“You need to lose that fool. I don’t like him. Why even let him near you? You’re better than that piece of news, Cherry.”

“Don’t call me that anymore.” I pegged him with a hard look. “Why do you allow your piece of news near you?”

“Cora?” He looked surprised at my question, a slight smile reaching his mouth.

My stomach in knots, I grew reckless with my tongue and let it all out. “I can’t have the one I want, so I guess I settle for sloppy seconds and get pissed in the pub when even that doesn’t work out.” I let my ugly words sink in for a moment and then delivered the sucker punch. “Your turn, Neil.”

He stared at me then. His eyes moving slow and purposeful, like a caress. It was as if he was trying to bring more confessions out of me by force of will. It nearly worked too. His beautiful dark eyes held the power to make it happen when he looked at me like he was right now. Does he know how I feel about him? Has he always known? How could he not know?

Those soulful eyes just about managed to pull the dreaded trifecta of emotion from my lips—just, but not quite. I only thought the words in my head. I love you. I was drunk and he was right here with me acting as if he really cared. I love you. And then, I was left with the unbelievable idea that Neil didn’t know. How could he be that unaware? How could he not know how I felt about him? I love YOU, you idiot man.

I’m guessing he truly didn’t know after all, because he didn’t take my bait.

“Cherry, I know all about what Cora’s been up—”

“—I said, don’t call me that anymore. I hate it now!” I spat angrily, signaling the bartender for a refill. I felt immediately guilty for lashing out at him, but it hurt too much to want him to see me as a woman instead of merely as a little sister who needed protecting.

Neil stood up and waved the bartender off, tossing down some notes to pay. “You’re done here. I’m taking you home.”

“Oh, you think so, do you?” I crossed my arms beneath my breasts and stared him down as best I could. I suddenly felt hot and more than a little dizzy.

His mouth quirked up at the side and then branched out into a cocky grin. “I know I’m taking you out of here, sweetheart.” He took me by the hand and pulled.

“No, Neil!” I dug my feet in and balked against the force of him. It wasn’t easy resisting his size and strength. I think inappropriate things at terrible times and was suddenly desperate to know what he would feel like on top of me. He was huge and I was on the small side. Would he swallow me up with his big body? I’d be very willing to find out, of that I was certain.

His eyes flared at me when he turned back to stare. If I wasn’t mistaken, Neil was really looking at me for once. He swallowed hard, making his Adam’s apple slide along his throat. I wished I could put my lips on his throat and keep them there. I was annoyed with him and secretly intrigued by his attentions at the same time. Hell, he was so damned gorgeous.

“You’re so beautiful when you’re spitting mad, Cherry.” He emphasized his nickname for me with a confident smirk, his eyes owning me. “Beautiful and utterly perfect.”

You’re utterly perfect… I’d heard him say those words about me before. I wondered…was it even possible for him to believe such a thing? No way, right?

“You’re beautiful too, but you’re an immensely arrogant arsehole right now.”

“Is that so?” He leaned forward just a bit, putting himself into my space.

I hiccupped and nodded, feeling dizzier than I had a moment ago, instantly intimidated.

“You’re out in the pub at night pissing drunk.” His jaw ticked. “I’m not leaving you here, Cherry.”

God damn, he said it again, so I just lost it. “And, I told you not to call me that anymore!” I took a step, stumbled on the chair rail, right into his hard chest. He steadied me against him and I resisted the urge to bury my face in his shirt. It was damn hard not to. I really needed my nose buried in his shirt so I could memorize his scent.

“Okay, okay, settle down, girl. I won’t call you Cherry anymore if you hate it so much, but only if you let me take you home. You need your bed.”

He brought a hand up to the back of my head and stroked down my hair. And he could’ve called me by the name of any fruit in the world right now…apple, grape, kumquat, banana…and I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t have even noticed, because he was touching me. Neil had his hands on me.

No, I need your bed. I lifted my eyes to his, my palms were flat on his chest, and I felt his heart thumping under my fingers. He focused on my mouth, and for a moment I got the feeling he was thinking about kissing me. My heart pounded so hard I’m sure my body must be moving from the force of it.

“Who do you want that you cannot have?” he whispered carefully, his eyes searing and dark, begging me to say. If I wasn’t so stubborn I might have spilled my guts right then and there, telling him every single detail of every nice thing he’d ever done for me growing up, and how I didn’t remember a time when I didn’t love him.

I shook my head at him, feeling tears beginning to wet my eyes.

“Tell me—”

I inhaled quickly and turned my head away, just in time to see Denny step into the pub and lock eyes on me. “Oh God,” I moaned.

“Baby, you came,” he said, rushing over and trying to pull me into his arms. Denny’s relief at seeing me waiting at the bar for him was clearly apparent on his arrogant face.

“No, Denny, don’t.” I had just put my hand out to keep him off me when Neil stepped up.

“She doesn’t want to talk to you anymore, Tompkins. Leave off her.” Neil glowered down at my ex with a look of such loathing that Denny wasn’t the only one surprised by the open hostility. Neil looked like he could make Denny bleed and would enjoy the hell out of ensuring that there was a big puddle of the stuff once he was done. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Neil was behaving as if he were jealous of Denny.

I had to be incredibly drunk and my thought processes impaired. Why would Neil act like that over me and some bloke I’d already dumped?

“Elaina? Please baby, just listen. That tart meant nothing to me—” Denny ignored Neil’s directive and tried to reach for me again.

I realized then, that my former boyfriend was as incredibly stupid as I was drunk.

“Obviously your life doesn’t either, you ignorant prick.” Neil blocked Denny’s attempted grab for me, stopping him cold. “You’re not a very good listener, Tompkins. I told you she doesn’t want to talk to you anymore. Get. Lost.”

As Denny and Neil squared off, a wave of nausea so overpowering took hold of me, and I knew I’d be hideously sick. I clamped a hand over my mouth and slammed myself toward the loo, so incredibly grateful the door wasn’t very far away from the bar. Both men let me go.

Thank God for the little blessings.

4

As I heaved over the toilet, expelling all the wine and happy-hour veggies I’d consumed while drowning my sorrows, I pined over my pathetic love life. How utterly revolting, wretched, and pitiful was I. A guy who cheated, and one who saw me only as a little sister. Fuck my life.

Once I was done puking, I made my way to the sink, where I leaned on it with both hands, panting into the mirror, and gathering the strength to splash some water on my face. Neil beat on the door, and barged in a second later looking fairly dangerous. In contrast to me looking like shit.

The scowl on his face told me he was not in the least bit happy with me. But despite his opinions, he didn’t lecture or fuss; he just pulled out some towels, wet them, and pressed the wad to my face. “Hold that to your head. I’ll be right back.”

“Denny?” I asked weakly from behind the towel.

“Gone. That fuckin’ twat won’t be bothering you again.” I heard his heavy footsteps retreat and then the door of the loo shut with a click.

I groaned in my misery and tried to breathe, thinking if I could just crawl into a corner somewhere private, I could lick my wounds in peace. Tearing the wet towel off my face, I looked around the small room for the best covert access. I seriously considered hopping out the window as a means of escape. How could I ever face Neil again after this debacle? Embarrassed didn’t even begin to cover what I was feeling right now.

“You’ll be leaving out the front door tonight, darlin’, and not the fuckin’ window.” I whipped my head around to see he’d returned with a glass of water for me. He was still wearing that frown too.

“I wasn’t going to,” I said meekly, mortified he read my shame as if it were a newspaper headline.

“You were thinking about it, though.” He brought the glass to my lips. “Here you go. Little sips.” His kind attentions overwhelmed me to the point I had to close my eyes. I just couldn’t look at him anymore and keep myself together. I sipped the water instead and let him tend to me.

Selfish of me, I know.

“Better now?” he asked hopefully, in that low tone I recognized since as long as I could remember. I loved the sound of Neil’s voice and I always had. Listening to him talk was a beautiful sound to me. Strong, but gentle. Soft, yet firmly convincing.

I nodded weakly, wishing I could slip through a crack in the floor boards so he couldn’t see me in such a pitiable state. Why was he here hovering? Shouldn’t he be busy with Cora grinding his soldier’s edge off?

“Why are you doing this, Neil?”

He ignored my question and frowned at me instead. “Let’s get you out. You’re so finished here for the night.”

Then he put his hand at my lower back with a firm touch, and steered me out of the pub, completely taking charge of the situation.

I was far too weak to put up any sort of fight and I loved the feel of his hands on me, anyway.

Even if he were just being the concerned big brother tonight, I’d take what I could get. Any little bit of Neil was better than no Neil at all. I am not stupid.

While leaning against the window of his car, I welcomed the cold glass pressing into my temple, hoping it might cure my scrambled head. Not very effective though, when I could smell his deliciousness right beside me.

Neil just drove and stayed quiet. He wasn’t a talker anyway. He spoke if he had something to say, and I got the feeling he really wanted to say something to me now, but I’d forced things to become so awkward between us, he probably didn’t know how to begin. Nor want to. I felt like a complete and utter mess. Scratch that. I was most definitely a complete and utter mess.

I offered the first olive branch.

I’m—I’m so—sorry for ruining your night with…Cora—”

He snorted at me. “I wasn’t there for Cora tonight,” he said, shaking his head.

He wasn’t? This was news to me. As much as I wanted to hope, I forced my fluttering heart to calm. “You weren’t there for Cora tonight.” I said the words slowly and deliberately, an edge of questioning sarcasm in my tone that asked the burning but unspoken, then why in the hell were you there tonight, Neil?

“Nah, I wasn’t.” He looked over at me, his expression giving nothing away.

It was apparent he wasn’t going to tell me why he was there either and the realization annoyed me greatly. “So, if you know about Cora then why do you stay with her? She’s running around on you as soon as you go away. She’s a cheater. Every time, Neil. She doesn’t love you like I—like—like she should do!”

Oops.

The silence in the car screamed in the small space between us.

“I’m not with Cora anymore.”

“You were when you first got back. I saw you with her more than once.”

He narrowed his eyes. “But, I’m not with her anymore, Elaina,” he said with a bite.

“Really.” I couldn’t say much more, I was so surprised at his declaration. Neil and Cora were finished? If I wasn’t sitting in a car and felt better, I might just jump up and do a jig in celebration, but my head continued to pound, and my stomach continued to storm.

“Really, there’s nothing there,” he sailed right back. “I’ve known for a long time what she gets up to and it doesn’t matter anymore what she does when I’m away.” He turned his head slowly to me, taking his eyes off the road. “We were just using each other from the get go…”

We were just using each other? Lovely. Picturing that twat getting even five minutes of Neil’s attentions made me insane with jealousy. Images of him and Cora making love, touching each other, kissing passionately, flashed through my head until I couldn’t help but groan against the cool window of his car. “Oh…I didn’t know.”

“Well, now you do.”

Insane jealousy wasn’t the only thing I felt either. There was also the violent urge to be sick again.

“Pull over!” I managed to sputter.

The second round was mostly just a lot of mortifying gagging and retching. There was nothing in me now except for the water I’d sipped. Neil didn’t say anything once it was over. He kept quiet, bundled me back into his car, and drove us away. I closed my eyes and let him take care of me sure this was all a nightmare I would eventually wake from.

In the morning I would deal with facing up to the spectacle I’d made of myself in front of Neil, but not now.

Now I would pretend this was all just a dream…because it was the most my poor heart could manage to do.

5

I could smell him again. The scent in my nose was so wonderful I didn’t ever want to leave where I was in my beautiful, Neil-scented dream. I opened my eyes and saw darkness and unfamiliar surroundings…and him.

Neil was on his side watching me in the bed. Well, more specifically, in his bed.

“Wakey, wakey,” he said softly with a smirk to go with it, not more than two feet from me.

I bolted up fast and found the blinking glow of the clock. 12:45 a.m. “I—I—I’m at your flat? Mum will be—”

“—Just fine,” he cut me off smoothly. “I rang your house and talked to your mum. She knows you’re with me so you can relax. How do you feel? Any better?”

I brought both hands to my head and rubbed, realizing I was missing my dress as I sat up in Neil’s deliciously smelling bed. Bra and knickers only. I turned my head slowly to look at him in the dim light. “You undressed me?” I couldn’t imagine the scenario of what that must have been like, and was again annoyed with him, because damn it all, if Neil was undressing me, then I sure as hell wanted to be awake when he did.

He nodded and then gently tugged me down to where I’d been positioned when I’d first opened my eyes. I settled back into my side arrangement and focused on him.

I decided to wait for him to explain. No need for me to start blabbering out a bunch of nonsense if I didn’t have to.

“You fell deeply asleep after you were sick the second time. I carried you in and when I laid you down I could see your dress was spotted with…ah…puke…so I took it off you.” I had to give Neil credit for keeping it cool because he kept his eyes on mine throughout that entire awkward explanation.

But, what he did share embarrassed me so much, I couldn’t move, or speak. My mortification paralyzed me to the point I could only manage one thing. Cry. I did it quietly but the flood was unstoppable once it began. I couldn’t take my eyes off him this time as they spilled over with tears.

“Don’t cry, darlin’, it’s only me.” He brought his thumb forward and brushed at my tears.

I just stared at him and kept crying. I couldn’t look away and I couldn’t stop my tears.

“Are you kidding me?” he said. “I got to see you in your knickers and watch you sleeping in my bed. I should be the one crying…in gratitude.”

“Don’t tease me. Please don’t,” I whimpered, holding up my hand, hating the sound of my voice and totally shocked at my predicament. Surreal. Nearly naked and in bed with Neil after being sick in front of him twice and passing out. I clamped a hand over my mouth. “I must stink to high heaven, and—and I need some water or something.”

He helped me sit up again and handed me a glass from the bedside table along with two Nurofen tablets.

One, I was impressed with his forethought, and two, his total calm with me in the absurd situation. He said nothing while I downed the pills and sipped my water. He merely watched with that intense expression of his. I had absolutely no idea what he thought about all that’d been said and done between us tonight.

The covers slipped down to my waist, exposing me in nothing but a light blue bra, nearly all of me on display for him to see.

Oh, he saw all right. Neil’s eyes roved over my skin and then flicked back up to my eyes and held them. It was impossible to know what he was thinking in that moment of supreme weirdness. I was unable to tell, and at a complete disadvantage with him. Was he repulsed by me? Turned on a little because I was nearly naked in his bed and he was a man? A soldier home on leave, and more than a little horny, in need of a woman? Did he even see me as a woman or just as a responsibility? Who in depths of hell knew? I surely didn’t. Why had he picked me up and brought me to his flat in the first place?

“I can promise that you don’t stink to high heaven, and are the prettiest wino I’ve ever had the pleasure of smelling in my bed.” He sniffed in my direction. “Eau du Cabernet?”

“No bloody fair,” I said pitifully.

“Sorry, that was awful.” He brushed my cheek with his thumb. “I’ll be good now, I promise.” Another sweep of his fingers took the rest of my tears away before he set the glass aside and faced me again.

I dug deep for the courage to ask him what he was doing with me. I had to know or I knew I’d surely go mad. “What was all that tonight, Neil?”

He shook his head slowly. “I’m just in awe that you’re really here.” He reached forward again, this time entwining his fingers with one of my hands, until he gently held them suspended between us. “I can hardly believe it,” he whispered. He stayed quiet for a minute, just holding my hand before he spoke again, his eyes carefully watching. “You never answered my question back at the pub you know.”

I gasped and shook my head, pulling on my hand to unclasp it from his. “No, that was bloody stupid and I didn’t mean it.”

My efforts at resisting were completely pointless because Neil wasn’t having any of it. He just gripped my hand harder. “Tell me, Elaina. Who do you want that you think you cannot have?” His voice was liquid soft and hard as steel, both the same time. I couldn’t lie to him. Not when he asked me like this, face to face. The tension between us so raw, there was nothing to stop the hemorrhaging of my heart as it bled out all over Neil’s bed sheets.

“You,” I whispered, sure that my world was about to collapse in shambles once the truth was out there.

The most remarkable thing happened then. Neil closed his eyes for just a second, as if in relief at my answer, before bringing his forehead to rest against mine. We stayed like that for a bit, just the normal night sounds of London and the touch of our heads and hands, reminding me that this was indeed real and not a dream. My heart pounded deep in my chest, serving as another reminder that I wasn’t dead and had just survived something miraculous.

A second miracle occurred when he nudged his head down and found my lips.

Neil kissed me.

We kissed.

I let him explore me, his soft beautiful mouth merging with mine, learning the feel of my lips as I learned his, gaining the experience of knowing what it was like to share the intimacy. His tongue was even softer, seeking entry in a gentle way but one I couldn’t refuse either. I was aware only of us coming together and trying to ride the immense wave of attraction I felt for this man.

Neil took his time with our first kiss, but he could have taken me anywhere, done anything to me, asked anything of me. I would have been willing.

Nibbling on my lips in the softest way, tangling his tongue in with mine, he made me ache for more, and at the same time, want to weep in thankfulness that he’d finally come for me. This is really happening.

I don’t know how many long moments passed before he stopped kissing me and pulled back. “Let me be the first to tell you that you were wrong.” He stared at me, his thumb brushing back and forth at my cheek, his expression firm and solid.

It was my turn to close my eyes in relief this time. “I was wrong?”

“Dead wrong, Cherry.” He nodded slowly, his eyes searing. “You may have me.”

“What?” The ability to comprehend information had obviously left me.

“You can have me,” he repeated, still holding my hand intertwined, his expression still burning into me with his dark, soulful eyes.

But why—when did you know this—wait—you came to the pub tonight—you came tonight…because…?”

“Because I heard you’d broken off with that fuckin’ arse, Tompkins, and I was home on leave to actually do something about it for once. Do you have any idea how long I’ve been waiting for this?” His voice had a definite edge to it now. “For the timing to work out for us?” He sounded frustrated.

“You were waiting.” I was in such disbelief I again repeated his words, trying to accept everything he was telling me. “You’ve been waiting...”

“I have.” He leaned in toward my lips but didn’t touch them. “Waiting and waiting forever. For you. Waiting for you to grow up. Waiting for you to see me as something more than just a friend of Ian’s. Waiting for the right time to tell you how I feel about you.” He whispered so close, I could feel the brush of breath from his beautiful words. “Just a very long time of waiting, Elaina.”

“Oh…” I felt more tears threatening to spill.

“I don’t want to wait anymore.” His eyes melded into me and held on. “Please don’t make me wait for you any longer,” he pleaded. “I can’t do it, Cherry. I just can’t.”

Such beautiful words. And they came from his mouth to my ears, about me…

“So tell me now, please.” I took a deep breath and reached out a trembling hand to his face. I needed to touch him and feel the warmth of his skin. I needed to feel him in order to help my poor brain accept that this was really and truly happening in the moment—not some beautiful fantasy dream I would have to wake up from. It sure felt like a dream though. Neil has been waiting for me…

Here we both were talking about our feelings and wants and desires. Neil had me close enough to touch in his bed at his flat.

Truly unbelievable.

Again, I summoned my courage and asked, “I want to—no—Neil, I need to know exactly what you feel for me,” I whispered. “I have to hear you say it to believe it.”

He took hold of my shaking hand and brought it to his lips, his eyes never wavering from mine, and said the three words I’d dreamed about for forever, but never believed would come.

“I love you,” he said clearly, just before kissing my hand again.

6

His declaration was soft and gentle in the way he formed his words, but so honest and clear at the same time, I believed he meant it. Neil had just told me he loved me and I believed him.

I felt my heart lose a beat; sure it’d just up and stopped working, when he’d said those three little words to me. Hearts will do that when under emotional duress or when something sad or terrible comes along. I think this qualified as emotional duress. No sad or terrible here tonight though. This was glorious and perfect.

Neil loved me.

“Neil…I—I’ve loved you since I can remember. There was never a time when I didn’t.” I looked to the side and gathered more courage to say the rest. “But then, there was never a time when I thought you’d ever feel the same about me either.”

“Look at me, Cherry.” He took my chin and tugged me back to him. “You silly, beautiful, sexy, gorgeous, amazing girl, were once again, so very, very wrong about me and what I was feeling for you all these years. How could I not love you? You’re perfect, remember? Utterly perfect. I just had to wait for the right time to tell you is all.”

I listened to every word he said as he smoothed over my hair.

“Every time I was home, you’d have someone new and it wasn’t fair for me to try to steer you away from them and into my arms.”

I started crying again but this time it was mostly in happiness. “I wish you would’ve.”

“No.” He shook his head once. “No, I had to wait.”

He took my face in his hands and brushed along the tears wetting my cheeks with his thumbs. “You’re so beautiful to me, Cherry, even when you cry.”

And then he kissed me like he had the right to. The way I’d always wished he might. Neil kissed away my tears and wiped out all of the longing I’d known for ages, all in an instant. I melted into his big body and savored his touch. His lips. His words. I had everything I’d ever wanted from him now.

“You were my Cherry Girl when you were little.”

“I was.” I nodded into his hands.

“And you’re my Cherry Girl now.”

“Yes,” I managed another nod and just that one word.

“I love you, Elaina Morrison, and you’ll always be my Cherry Girl. Always. Nothing will change it for me.” He leaned forward and kissed me sweetly, whispering, “Believe me.”

I couldn’t speak. My ability to voice words had completely left me. I was so overwhelmed. All I could do was stare back. And breathe.

Neil tilted his head at me. “You look like maybe you don’t.”

“I do but I—I have to take a shower now,” I blurted. “And use your toothbrush, and get something to wear. I puked with this mouth tonight. Twice. And I’ve got no clothes on.”

He broke into a smile at my announcement, and didn’t even flinch at my puke comment. He must really and truly love me.

“Please say I get to help you with all of that.”

“The teeth brushing, maybe—the shower, no,” I fired back, suddenly feeling shy about the direction this conversation was heading and my state of undress. In the sanctuary of my mind I could be bold about wanting to be with Neil, but it was too soon to just slide between the sheets together and start shagging. I needed to come out of my shock first before we got down to the sex part. What if he wants it tonight? How would he take the news when I told him I needed a little time to get to that point?

Turned out I had nothing to worry about because Neil was the perfect gentleman with me, as always.

“I know that, beautiful girl,” he said, with a peck to my nose, “but you’re staying here tonight, yes?” He swept his eyes over me again before landing on my face. The look he gave me was almost a look of pleading. I could see how much he wanted me to stay, just as much as I wanted to pledge myself to him.

“Yes.” I nodded slowly. “I’m staying here tonight.” I planted both hands on top of the sheets, one on each side of my hips, showing him I really meant it. “I want to be here with you.”

“Good. That’s all I need right now. I just want to hold you and know you’re here, safe with me and that this—with you…is real.” He brushed over my hair with his hand again. “I’m afraid I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone. I need to get used to the idea of having you all to myself.”

Yes please!

The burgeoning shyness grew stronger until I had to look away. My eyes landing on the thin sheet barely covering my body didn’t help me to feel extra confident either. I needed to establish some truths first.

“Okay…” God, I sounded like such a trembling idiot. “This…with us…it is real, right?” My insecurity rang out clearly in the tone of my voice. I breathed heavier as my heart pounded, waiting for him to answer.

“Yes, Cherry, it’s real.” He tugged on my chin with his index finger to get me to look up.

I could see the earnestness in his eyes, and in the way he studied me with his dark browns when I finally looked at him.

“Completely real.” He took one of my hands and placed the palm over his heart. “Feel that while I kiss you,” he said, before sliding behind my neck with his other hand and pulling me onto those soft magical lips of his, “and you’ll know it’s very real.”

But this time, Neil was trying to make a point, and his kiss was more demanding as he tangled tongues with me. He plundered my mouth and I allowed him access. And I did feel his heartbeat under my hand.

I tried to memorize this moment because I couldn’t bear the thought of forgetting how I felt with him at that moment.

When Neil finally broke away from our kiss he still held the back of my neck firmly in his hand, taking control of our moment together, and I loved it. He made me feel cherished and I wanted to float in the feelings for forever.

“Cherry, I love you. And I just need you to be here with me. That’s all I want. I won’t ask you for more than that until it’s right, and we both want it. We’ll know when that time comes. And everything else will get itself worked out when we’re ready. Okay?” Another slow and thorough trace of his tongue in my mouth had my stomach fluttering and my heart racing.

I managed to nod back and whisper, “Yes.” I brought my hands up to hold both sides of his face. “I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember.”

Then, Neil smiled at me. His entire beautiful face lighting up from his eyes to his chin. My guy looked really happy. My guy. I have a guy. Neil. Neil McManus is my man now.

Christmas and my birthday had come to me early this year, and both at the same time apparently.

Then I watched him get up from the bed and head into his bathroom. I heard the shower turn on and then the opening and closing of cupboards. He returned a few moments later with a big towel to wrap around me, and said he’d left me a shirt and some shorts I could wear after my shower if I liked. He told me he would be in the kitchen setting up the coffeemaker for the morning, and then he left the bedroom and closed the door.

I stayed in Neil’s bed for another moment and did my best to take everything in. I was definitely a mess on the outside, but inside where my heart still thwacked out a beat, I was absolutely floating around cloud nine.

He loved me. Neil really loved me, but damn if I’d allow him to kiss me again before I got clean and comfortable. I felt utterly gross and hideous and still had trouble processing all that had just happened with us in the span of a very few hours.

I left his bed and headed into the bathroom. The shower was already hot and steaming up the small space. As promised, he’d set out his toothbrush and paste for me to use, and even some silky boxers and a soft black T-shirt with The Jimi Hendrix Experience in white letters across the front.

I knew Neil was a Hendrix fan, and I’d even seen him wearing this very shirt on occasion, and yet the fact he’d picked it out for me in particular, touched me. I reached for it and buried my face in its softness, inhaling deeply. Neil’s scent has always been heavenly to me and I’d been addicted to it for years. Hard to describe, but, absolutely lush on my sensibilities. Like fresh air, and forest spice, and pure water all combined into the perfect blend of male fragrance.

And I’d been restricted from indulging in it for most of my life. But not anymore.

I shut the bathroom door, stripped out of my bra and knickers, and got clean in my boyfriend’s shower. I so loved the words contained in that thought.

I’m sure I wore a ridiculous grin on my face the whole time I scrubbed. Once I was done in his shower, and worked out my teeth with his toothbrush, I was still grinning stupidly into the mirror like an idiot. I was so glad the door was shut and Neil couldn’t see how much of a lovesick fool I was being at the time. Pointless indeed. He would know it the moment I stepped out, anyway. He probably already did know.

I left the bathroom dressed in his T-shirt and silky boxer shorts. Better than naked in a towel or my puked-spotted clothes, and really sexy to have my skin against things that had been against his previously.

His shirt came down to the top of my thighs and I’d already decided I was keeping the thing. Yeah, Neil’s beloved Hendrix shirt would forever belong to me. I had absolutely no qualms about my thievery either. I didn’t want to have to be without the scent of him once his leave was over. I wouldn’t have him for long before he had to go back to being owned by the British Army in Afghanistan. That meant his shirt wasn’t getting washed anytime soon. If ever.

My inner ramblings distracted me to the point I wasn’t thinking about what might be waiting for me when I came out. But the sight that greeted me upon my return to the bedroom in nothing but Neil’s shorts and shirt, was not even close to what I expected. Stopping dead in my tracks, I’m sure my eyes were bugging out of my skull. The towel I’d been using to dry my hair slid from my grip and onto the floor with a soft thud.

Neil was in his bed, and he was waiting. For me. Definitely for me.

Holy Hell, he was a beautiful man. Sitting up against the headboard, he was leaning back, his wide bare chest exposed for my eyes to drink in. The cuts and angles of his hard muscles and golden skin, in contrast to the white sheets, nearly made me whimper aloud. I wanted to touch him so badly and knew there was a very good chance I would be getting my wish soon.

I could see that his nipples were hard. His gaze was trained upon me, deep with liquidity, mysterious and sensual, with a bit of an edge. I could only imagine what he was thinking about. Sweaty, crazy, naked shagging I’m sure. I definitely was.

My nipples were hard too, and I felt an involuntary shiver roll down my spine at the thought of Neil putting his hands on them.

I’d seen his body before. I knew what Neil looked like without his shirt on, and I knew very well about the washboard abs, and how they tapered into a V at his hips that made my insides a quivering mess whenever I was lucky enough to get a decent look at him. Which happened only on occasion, unfortunately.

Neil was blessed with an earthly form that easily put him into mythical god territory, but I’d never been in a position to allow myself to think of him in that way. Those times I’d seen him had been when he was working out with Ian or roughing ’round with boys at football or having a swim.

This situation was completely different. Neil was like this for me, and for me alone. He was offering himself to me—his body for my eyes to see, for my hands to touch, and for my lips to kiss.

“You’ve dropped your towel,” he said softly, splaying a hand out over the sheet, making his forearm muscle flex.

“I know.” I struggled to breathe through the pounding inside my chest and reached down for the towel.

“Leave it.”

Neil’s voice was harder, different—a command really. I froze mid-step, flipping my eyes up so I could see his face and understand what he meant.

His long muscled arms were stretched out toward me. “Come here, beautiful,” he said softly. “Don’t think about anything that scares you right now. It’s only me…and you.”

I nodded at him but no words would come from my mouth. All I could do was take in the experience of the moment and try to hear what he was saying to me.

“I want to hold you, and be close, and know that nobody is going to come between us or try to take you away from me. I want you all to myself for once.” He tilted his head a little. “Do you understand?”

“I do,” I managed.

Neil kept his arms out, his eyes glittering at me in a way I’d never experienced from him before. He was demanding from me, sure, but that’s not what gave me pause. The feelings rushing through me were thrilling, but also very frightening at the same time. My emotions paralyzed me because I really understood, right then and there in that moment, the enormity of what I was doing. Giving myself over to another person. Giving myself to Neil.

It made me extremely vulnerable. Didn’t it?

I felt the warning kiss of fear brush over my heart, as clearly as a cold breeze that makes you rub your arms in an effort to ward off a shivering chill.

I didn’t know how I’d survive if I lost him now. If he stopped loving me, I wouldn’t be able to bear it. Or if I lost him to the war, which was a terrifying risk all on its own, and one he took every day he remained in active military service. I’d never make it out intact. Losing Neil would destroy me after this night.

“Don’t think about the bad things, Elaina. Let all that go and come to me. My beautiful Cherry Girl…come over here and let me love you.”

I went.

All I knew, is that I found my way into the strong arms that I never wanted to leave, that I would ache for once he returned to the army, and that held me so perfectly, I had to tamp down the urge for more tears.

Neil’s hard body and soft lips pressed into me, allowing me to feel a little of how it would be with us, teaching me what it meant to be granted the deepest wish of my heart—to be loved by Neil McManus.

And at the very same time, I was forced to recognize my most terrifying fears in regards to Neil.

I could lose him.

And it would kill me if that ever happened.

7

Neil was careful with me once he got me into his bed. He didn’t go beyond blistering kisses even though I would have let him. He kept us in check and his control was remarkable, because when he pressed against me I could feel how hard he was through his shorts. That it was Neil, and his erection I was feeling against my hip just made me hotter for him.

He hadn’t come to bed naked as I imagined he might have when I first stepped out of the bathroom and saw him waiting for me. No, he was covered, plus the sheet was now completely bunched up between us from my restless legs flailing around. Good thing for the layers and the self-control Neil possessed, because I surely had none.

When things got too heated he’d pull away and just look at me, stroking my cheek or my lips with a fingertip, waiting until we both cooled down.

I stared up at him in the dim light, my insides already a fluttering jumble to begin with, were now even more overwhelmed from his plundering kisses. I wondered where this was all going to lead with him.

Unable to keep still, I arched into him and then pressed my legs together to relieve some of the ache. “I—I need—Neil, I—”

“—I know exactly what you need, darlin’. I know what you need, just like I know what I want to do with you.”

He shifted his hips into me so I got a good feel of what was going on with his cock. He felt huge and this was not a surprise in any way. Neil was a big guy all over. I couldn’t keep my hands off him either. I splayed out my hands across his back as I met his thrust with my own body, feeling heated desire swarm me. I would have done anything he was willing to do and knew that any slowdown of passion would have to be all on him. I extended my hand down the front of his shorts, slowly putting my hand over the rock-hard ridge filling them up.

Neil hissed as my hand came to rest over his erection, his own hand covering mine instantly. “But we’re not doin’ any of it tonight,” he told me softly, gently taking my hand in his and moving them both to the side.

“We aren’t?”

“No. Not here and not like this.” He pressed his lips to the hollow of my throat and spoke against the skin there. “You’re too precious to me for some desperate shag in the middle of the night.” He moved up to my lips. “I won’t do that to you. It’ll be special when we make love. And we will.” He murmured against my lips. “Oh yeah, darlin’, we will, and it’ll be very…very…good when we do.”

Neil’s strong arms held me enclosed within them, teaching what it felt like to be body-to-body with the man I loved.

Beautiful, wonderful, and perfect is how it felt.

We also found that conversations came easily for us. Made total sense considering we had years of shared experiences to draw from.

“Do you remember the first time you came over to our house for dinner?” I asked him.

“Of course.” Neil’s fingers stroked up and down my arm as if he just wanted the contact of touching me.

I couldn’t get enough of his hands on me either. His touch was an affirmation of sorts for me. It made everything real and I desperately needed to believe that this was. All my hopes and dreams were riding on that simple fact.

“I fell in love with you when you winked at me over the table.” I looked into his eyes and saw the twinkling laugh reflected in them even if he was silent. Neil could communicate very clearly without speaking, and he did it all the time. I’m sure it was a good skill for the military too, especially when he was leading troops into battle. No wonder he’d already achieved the rank of captain in the British Army.

“I remember winking at you, thinking you were being so generous, offering me the last of your mum’s gourmet buns.”

“You were nice to me,” I told him, “so I could afford to be generous. Not many seventeen year olds will give a ten-year-old the time of day, let alone secret winks.”

Instead of responding to my confession, Neil loomed over me, his mouth dipping down to meet mine, his body pushing me back into the mattress again where he kissed me until I was breathless.

He laid his hand over my heart and held it there. Nothing sexual or wandering in the way he touched my breast, just the gesture of feeling the place where my heart pounded under the skin. “This heart is so beautiful, now as much as when you were ten. You have a beautiful heart, Cherry.”

Just like you do, Neil.

“I think I used to,” I said.

“What do you mean used to?”

I curled into his chest and traced a finger into the hollow of his throat. “After my d-dad died, I—I know I changed and I’m not—I’m not the person I was before. I’m not the nice girl you remember from years ago, Neil. I hope you know that.”

“But you are,” he said. “I know that’s not true. Why would you even think such a thing?” He tightened his grip around me.

“I’ve done things I never would have, if Dad were still here.”

“We all have, Cherry.” He kissed me slow before speaking. “I wish I’d been able to be here back then. I worried so much about you after your dad was taken.”

“I still miss him, so badly.”

“Of course you do. That’s normal.”

“But he would be ashamed of me and what I’ve been up to these last years.”

“And what’s that exactly?”

I didn’t know what to answer. If I was truthful, then Neil might be disgusted with me. If I wasn’t, then it made me a liar by omission and I didn’t think I could do that to Neil. I held our love to a higher standard, and somehow I knew he did as well.

“Well, I’m not innocent. I’ve done things I am ashamed of. I’ve messed around with a bad crowd and…boys. Dad raised me to be better, and to think more of myself than where I’ve been keeping company, and where I’ve been.”

“If you’re referring to that cocksucker, Tompkins, then I agree wholeheartedly—he wasn’t fit to even share air in a room with you.”

I laughed softly. “I know. Dad would never have let Denny in the door to look at me, let alone take me on a date.”

“Your dad was a wise man,” Neil said wryly.

“I was I in a fair bit in shock back at the pub when you were defending me. I couldn’t work out why you would be so interested…in me.” My voice trailed off into the night time silence.

Neil’s response was to roll me onto my back and kiss me with deep probing strokes of his tongue, almost harsh and desperate in his method to convince me I was worthy. “Have you worked it out now?”

“Not really,” I answered truthfully, “but I am so grateful you know.”

“Let me show you something.” He slid open the bedside table and brought out a small object. “Hold out your hand, please.”

I did, and felt him slip a bracelet onto my wrist.

“You kept it all these years?” I asked, feeling like more tears might pour from me if he kept going with the gestures. I held my wrist up so I could get a better look in the poor light. The bracelet I’d handmade for Neil as a good luck charm to keep him safe in the war looked a little battle worn but it was still intact, still with the two owls and the infinity charms I’d put onto it.

“Yes, I kept it all these years. You made it for me. Hell, I wore it as often as I was allowed. It goes everywhere with me.”

I could see the evidence of that easily from the texture and colour of the leather. I brought it to my nose for a sniff. I could smell Neil’s scent on this small scrap of leather knots and brass charms, and knew it had lain against his skin.

“I still have mine too,” I said.

He drew me close into the curve of his arm and rubbed the back of my neck with his fingers. “You know that I think of your brother and mum as family more than my own?”

“They love you, Neil.”

Again I could hear the ache in his voice. Neil didn’t speak of his shitty family life, or how he’d been virtually on his own from far too young of an age. He wasn’t a complainer, so for him to bring it up in a conversation with me felt monumental.

“I love them too. And you all love me back, Cherry. I don’t need anything more.”

As I lay in the cradle of his arms, I looked up at the ceiling of his bedroom flat and thought about how happy I was in this moment, being cuddled in the bed with Neil and enjoying his soft caresses and slow kisses. Neil and me together.

“Oh my God, we have to tell them about us!”

He laughed. “We can do it tomorrow.”

“Okay then. We will. I can’t wait to see Mum’s reaction.”

“I’m more worried about Ian.” He cupped a hand over his cock. “I’d like to keep this intact.”

It was my turn to laugh at him this time. “I think your prized possession is safe enough.”

“Thank bloody hell.”

“Neil, you’re forgetting the facts.”

“Oh?” He raised a brow at me.

“Yeah, that fact that the Morrison clan claimed you long ago, and we’re never giving you back.”

He liked that. And kissed me for a long time afterward just to show me how much he liked it.

Later we had an opportunity to talk a little about the others who’d come before. That part wasn’t so nice, but needed to be discussed and I’m glad we did. I didn’t want him under any illusions that I was an untouched virgin. I’d been with a few guys, and most recently Denny Tompkins, and felt he should know the truth. I saw the tightening of Neil’s jaw as I got that off my chest, but still knew it had to be shared. He needed to know. My Denny was his Cora.

My only consolation was that Neil despised my former boyfriends just as much as I’d loathed him with Cora, and others over the years. I hated that bitch.

The most important aspect in all of this though, was how much we wanted to be together and needed what only the other could give to each of us. Now that we’d had a taste of how it could be, no other would ever do. For me, it was Neil…or nobody. He loved me in spite of my past and I felt the same for him.

We held onto each other our first night together, whispering in the dark, sharing our dreams and unburdening our demons. With Neil’s arms around me, I drifted off to sleep peacefully. This time the scent of him was real when I breathed him in.

So much hope was riding on the future back then. I didn’t imagine anything could take him away from me after such a hard-won victory.

Life wouldn’t be so unfair to Elaina Morrison after all I’d already endured.

His love was something I never questioned on my part and I did have it. I can look back now, and say with complete conviction, that I definitely had Neil’s love.

I had it for a short time.

Far, far too short a time.

I had Neil’s love until fate swiped it away and took from me…again…until I was lost once more. Alone. Once more.