Child's Play

Chapter 10

Neville Watmough was not the only one to be served shocks with his luncheon.

When Rod Lomas arrived at the Howard Arms to eat with his mother, he was amazed to find her on a bar stool in company with John Huby.

‘Hello, darling,’ said Stephanie Windibanks, offering her cheek. ‘You know John, of course.’

‘Of course. Hello, er, John.’

‘How do,’ growled Huby. ‘You’ll want a drink, I expect?’

‘That would be kind of you,’ said Lomas.

‘Half a bitter,’ interposed Huby rapidly. ‘By God, if I had the nerve to charge these prices, I’d not have been bothered about the old girl’s brass!’

As Huby paid for the beer, Lomas glanced interrogatively at his mother, who said brightly, ‘Fetch that through into the dining-room with you, dear. John, I must give this child his lunch as I know he only gets the teeniest of breaks. You’ll wait here and keep your eyes skinned? Let me know the moment he arrives. ’Bye for now.’

As they made their way to the dining-room, Lomas said, ‘Strange bedfellows you’re finding these days, Mummy.’

‘Don’t be vulgar. That approach I reserve for last resorts and large resources. Incidentally, I hope you haven’t been having your wicked way with that anorexic child of his?’

‘No fear,’ grinned Lomas. ‘I’m not into paedophilia. She’s a strange creature, though. Not half so dumb as you might imagine.’

‘That means you’re getting nowhere with her and nothing out of her, I suppose. Well, keep at her. I think we’re probably in the clear, but it would be useful to have an early warning system in Thackeray’s office. Meanwhile, as I anticipated, the charity people are moving. I had a visit yesterday morning from a man called Goodenough who works for the animal welfare lot. He’s one of those shrewd Scots terriers who will worry their way through solid rock once they get the smell of money in their nostrils. He’s planning to organize a concerted action to overthrow the will as far as the time element goes. But he needs me, and the incredible hulk there, to sign affidavits renouncing any interest in the estate. The point is we’re the nearest relatives, and any action, or even threat of action, on our behalf would take precedence over the action he is proposing to bring. He wants to buy us off. The service here is not what it should be, considering its bloated prices.’

She looked around the crowded dining-room and said, ‘God, you can smell the expense accounts, can’t you?’

‘Not on me you can’t, darling,’ murmured Lomas. ‘Does the expectation of plenty entitle me to order the smoked salmon?’

‘Plenty it won’t be,’ said his mother sharply. ‘You’ll have the prawn cocktail and be grateful.’

‘How much will you screw him for, then?’

‘I suggested ten per cent, but he just laughed and offered five hundred in cash. I was greatly offended. I said I was contemplating a legal action on my own behalf. He said perhaps I would like to talk to my legal adviser again. I said I certainly would. We parted.’

‘And what did your legal adviser say?’

‘Oh, I knew what he would say. I’d had Billy Fordham round to dinner a couple of nights earlier.’

‘Aha. Free consultation time!’

‘There is no such thing as a free consultation,’ she said icily. ‘Billy said if I had large funds, it might be worthwhile trying to throw the whole thing over on the grounds of Gwen’s incompetence, but it was very risky and as I don’t have large funds, I’d need to get someone to act for an extremely large percentage, and frankly he himself wouldn’t touch it with a bargepole. But he also made the point that Goodenough’s advisers must have made, that any action on my — or Huby’s — part could drag on for ages, and might, just might, succeed.’

‘So it’s a real bargaining counter?’

‘Indeed. I rang Goodenough back in mid-afternoon and discovered that he’d set off for deepest Yorkshire. I just had time to catch the next train myself. I’ve come with positively nothing to wear!’

Lomas looked at his mother’s immaculate turnout and smiled admiringly.

‘But why have you come?’ he asked.

‘Because I knew he would be seeing that awful man Huby and I was worried in case he settled for a large Scotch and a fiver and ruined the market. I phoned him as soon as I arrived, and sure enough, Goodenough had been round. But I needn’t have worried. I’d forgotten how hard-nosed about “brass” they are up here! Huby’s low peasant cunning had produced the same answer as my sophisticated intelligence — wait and see. So we’ve joined forces. A matched pair is always worth far more than merely double a broken set. I invited Huby to consult with me here this morning. Meanwhile I discovered that Goodenough was staying here too, so after we had worked out our strategy, I thought we might as well confront him with it as soon as possible. Frankly, I’d rather do it alone, but Huby doesn’t seem to trust me to look after his interests.’

‘Oh, I can’t imagine why!’ cried Lomas. ‘You who are so good at looking after other people’s interests!’

He saw his mother’s expression harden and realized he’d gone too far in his filial mockery. He did not doubt she would soon strike back.

‘I’ve had practice looking after yours,’ she said.

‘And don’t think I don’t appreciate it, Mother. I need looking after. Oh, I am Fortune’s fool!’

‘And that, if I recall aright, is one of Romeo’s lines,’ said Mrs Windibanks. ‘Spoken after you in your minor role are dead and left with nothing to do but snooze in your dressing-room till the curtain-calls, always assuming there are any curtain-calls!’

Lomas shook his head in reluctant admiration.

‘Oh, you don’t hang about, do you, Mother?’ he mocked. ‘One, two, and the third in your bosom. Ah!’

He affected to stab himself with a fork and flipped back in his chair, eyes closed. When he opened them he found John Huby and a bearded stranger looking down at him with a waiter bobbing anxiously in the background.

‘Rod, stop playing the fool,’ ordered Mrs Windibanks. ‘Mr Goodenough, may I present my son. Rod, this is Andrew Goodenough from CLAWS.’

‘PAWS,’ corrected the Scot. ‘I’m pleased to meet you, Mr Windibanks.’

‘Lomas, actually. Stage name, but I’m used to answering to it now.’

‘Indeed. Mrs Windibanks, I didn’t expect to find you up here too, but it falls very handy to have you and Mr Huby together. Can we talk for a moment?’

It amused Rod to see Goodenough adroitly remove the initiative from his mother.

But she’s a bonny wee counter-puncher, he thought. She’ll have another thou out of you for that, Mr Secretary!

‘I’m just about to have my lunch,’ said Mrs Windibanks. ‘Perhaps in the lounge in, say, forty-five minutes?’

‘I’d prefer now,’ said Goodenough. ‘I have a busy afternoon. And I’m driving across to Ilkley later.’

‘To see the WFE woman? You have my sympathy. I gather she’s as mad as a hatter. But how thorough you are, Mr Goodenough. Never a step forward without making sure your back’s well covered.’

‘If it’s inconvenient, however, I’ll get in touch when we’re both back in London,’ continued Goodenough, as if Mrs Windibanks had never spoken.

‘I can’t be hanging around here all bloody day,’ exclaimed John Huby. ‘I’ve got a pub to look after.’

Carefully Stephanie Windibanks folded her napkin and set it down.

‘Very well,’ she said. ‘Rod, darling, do order and start without me. I shall have a slice of rare beef and a tossed green salad.’

It was more than half an hour before the woman returned with Huby lowering behind her, but no sign of Goodenough.

Lomas was drinking his coffee.

‘I’ve left some wine,’ he said. ‘To toast your triumph or drown your sorrows. Which is it?’

‘Both,’ she said tersely.

‘Nay, lass, but we’ll be all right. I must say, you’re a dab hand at sorting out these money matters,’ said Huby with reluctant admiration.

‘That sounds promising,’ said Lomas. ‘What’s the deal?’

‘Five hundred advance payment for our waivers,’ said Mrs Windibanks.

‘What?’

‘Each.’

‘Even so,’ said Lomas. ‘It’s not much, is it? I mean, I must confess that in anticipation of your success, I rather went to town on the wine, and I decided on the smoked salmon after all.’

‘I said advance payment. Against five per cent of the estate at its present value.’

‘Each?’

‘Each!’

‘Good lord. That must come to, let me see, about seventy thousand pounds. Mother, you’re a marvel!’

He rose to embrace her. She pushed him back in his seat.

‘Sit still till I finish,’ she said sharply.

‘Oh dear. There’s something else.’

‘Nowt to worry about as far as I can see,’ said Huby uncertainly.

‘But how far can you see, John?’ snapped Mrs Windibanks.

‘Tell me, what is it?’ cried Lomas. ‘You’re worse than Juliet’s nurse!’

His mother fixed him with an angry eye.

‘It seems,’ she said, ‘that some lunatic has appeared in Thackeray’s office claiming fairly convincingly to be the missing heir, Alexander Lomas Huby.’

‘It’ll be nowt, you’ll see, we’ll get him sorted,’ said John Huby grimly.

But Rod Lomas subsided in his chair and waved a limp hand at a distant waiter.

‘Oh shit,’ he said. ‘I think we’re going to need another bottle.’