Chocolat

16

Wednesday, February 26

WHEN I OPENED THIS MORNING ROUX WAS WAITING AT THE door. He was wearing denim overalls, and his hair was tied back with string. He looked to have been waiting for some time, because his hair and shoulders were furred with droplets from the morning mist. He gave me something that was not quite a smile, then looked behind me into the shop where Anouk was playing.

`Hello, little stranger,' he said to her. This time the smile was real enough, lighting his wary face briefly.

`Do come in.’ I beckoned him inside. `You should have knocked. I didn't see you out there.’

Roux muttered something in his thick Marseille accent and crossed the threshold rather self-consciously. He moves with an odd combination of grace and clumsiness, as if he feels uncomfortable indoors.

I poured him a tall glass of black chocolate laced with kahlua. `You should have brought your friends,' I told him lightly.

He gave a shrug in reply. I could see him looking around, taking in his surroundings with keen, if suspicious, interest.

`Why don't you sit down?’ I asked, pointing to the stools at the counter.

Roux shook his head. `Thanks.’

He took a mouthful of the chocolate. `Actually, I wondered if you'd be able to help me. Us.’

He sounded embarrassed and angry at the same time. `It isn't money,' he added quickly, as if to prevent me from speaking. `We'd pay for it all right: It's just the – organization – we're having difficulty with.’

He shot me a look of unfocused resentment. 'Armande – Madame Voizin – said you'd help,' he said.

He explained the situation as I listened quietly, nodding encouragement on occasion. I began to understand that what I had taken for inarticulacy was simply a deep dislike of having to ask for help. Through the thick accent Roux spoke like an intelligent man. He had promised Armande that he would repair her roof, he explained. It was a relatively easy job which would take only a couple of days. Unfortunately the only local supplier of wood, paint and the other materials needed to complete the task was Georges Clairmont, who flatly refused to supply them to either Armande or Roux. If Mother wanted repairs to her roof, he told her reasonably, then she should ask him, not a bunch of swindling vagrants. It wasn't as if he hadn't been asking – begging her to let him do the work free of charge for years. Let the gypsies into her house and God only knew what might happen. Valuables looted, money stolen… It wasn't unknown for an old woman to be beaten or killed for the sake of her few poor possessions. No. It was an absurd scheme, and in all conscience he couldn't `Sanctimonious bastard,' said Roux viciously. `Knows nothing about us – nothing! The way he talks, we're all thieves and murderers. I've always paid my way. I've never begged from anyone, I've always worked-' `Have some more chocolate,' I suggested mildly, pouring another glassful. `Not everybody thinks like Georges and Caroline Clairmont.’

`I know that.’

His posture was defensive, arms crossed over his body.

`I've used Clairmont to do repairs for me before,' I continued. `I'll tell him I want to do some more work on the house. If you give me a list of what you need, I'll get it.’

`I'll pay for it all,' said Roux again, as if this issue of payment were something he could not stress enough. `The money really isn't a problem.’

`Of course.’

He relaxed a little and drank more chocolate. For the first time he seemed to register how good it was, and gave me a smile of sudden and peculiar sweetness. `She's been good to us, Armande,' he said. `She's been ordering food supplies for us, and medicine for Zezette's baby. She stood up for us when that poker-faced priest of yours turned up again.’

`He's no priest of mine,' I interrupted quickly. `In his mind, I'm as much of an interloper in Lansquenet as you are.’

Roux looked at me in surprise. `No, really,' I told him. `I think he sees me as a corrupting influence. Chocolate orgies every night. Fleshly excesses when decent people should be in bed, alone.’

His eyes are the hazy no-colour of a city skyline in the rain. When he laughs they gleam with malice. Anouk, who had been sitting in uncharacteristic silence while he spoke, responded to it and laughed too.

`Don't you want any breakfast?’ piped Anouk. `We've got pain au chocolat. We've got croissants too, but the pain au chocolat is better.’

He shook his head. `I don't think so,' he said. `Thanks.’

I put one of the pastries on a plate and set it beside him. `On the house,' I told him. `Try one, I make them myself.’

Somehow it was the wrong thing to say. I saw his face close again, the flicker of humour replaced by the now familiar look of careful blankness.

`I can pay,' he said with a kind of defiance. `I've got money.’

He struggled to pull out a handful of coins from his overall pocket. Coins rolled across the counter.

`Put that away,' I told him.

`I told you, I can pay.’

Stubborn now, igniting into rage. `I don't need-' I put my hand on his. I felt resistance for a moment, then his eyes met mine. `Nobody needs to do anything,' I said gently. I realized I had hurt his pride with my show of friendship. `I invited you.’

The look of hostility remained unchanged. `I did the same with everyone else,' I persisted. 'Caro Clairmont. Guillaume Duplessis. Even Paul-Marie Muscat, the man who ran you out of the cafe.’

A second's pause for him to register that. `What makes you so special, that you can refuse when none of them did?’

He looked ashamed then, mumbling something under his breath in his thick dialect. Then his eyes met mine again and he smiled. `Sorry,' he said. `I didn't understand.’

He paused awkwardly for a few moments before picking up the pastry. `But next time you're the ones invited to my place,' he said firmly. `And I shall be most offended if you refuse.’

He was all right after that, losing much of his constraint. We talked of neutral topics for a while, but soon progressed to other things. I learned that Roux had been on the river for six years, alone at first then travelling with a group of companions. He had been a builder once, and still earned money doing repair jobs and harvesting crops in summer and autumn. I gathered that there had been problems which forced him into the itinerant life, but knew better than to press for details.

He left immediately as soon as the first of my regulars arrived. Guillaume greeted him politely and Narcisse gave his brief nod of welcome, but I could not persuade Roux to stay to talk with them. Instead he crammed what remained of his pain au chocolat into his mouth and walked out of the shop with that look of insolence and aloofness he feels he has to affect with strangers.

As he reached the door he turned abruptly. `Don't forget your invitation,' he told me, as if on an afterthought. `Saturday night, seven o'clock. Bring the little stranger.’

Then he was gone, before I could thank him.

Guillaume lingered longer than usual over his chocolate. Narcisse gave his place to Georges, then Arnauld came over to buy three champagne truffles – always the same, three champagne truffles and a look of guilty anticipation – and Guillaume was still sitting in his usual place, a troubled look on his small-featured face. Several times I tried to draw him out, but he responded in polite monosyllables, his thoughts elsewhere. Beneath his seat Charly was limp and immobile.

`I spoke to Curb Reynaud yesterday,' he said at last, so, abruptly that I gave a start. `I asked him what I ought to do about Charly.’

I looked at him enquiringly.

`It's hard to explain to him,' continued Guillaume in his soft, precise voice. `He thinks I'm being stubborn, refusing to hear what the vet has to say. Worse still, he thinks I'm being foolish. It isn't as if Charly were a person, after all.’

A pause during which I could hear the effort he was making to retain his control.

`Is it really that bad?’ I already knew the answer.

Guillaume looked at me with sad eyes. `I think so.’

`I see.’

Automatically he stooped to scratch Charly's ear. The dog's tail thumped in a perfunctory way, and he whined softly.

`There's a good dog.’

Guillaume gave me his small, bewildered smile. `Cure Reynaud isn't a bad man. He doesn't mean to sound cruel. But to say that – in such way-y’

'What did he say?’

Guillaume shrugged. `He told me I'd been making a fool of myself over that dog for years now. That it was all the same to him what I did, but that it was ridiculous to coddle the animal as if it were a human being, or to waste my money on useless treatments for it.’

I felt a prick of anger. `That was a spiteful thing to say.’

Guillaume shook his head. `He doesn't understand,' he said again. `He doesn't really care for animals. But Charly and I have been together for so long-' Tears stood in his eyes and he moved his head sharply to hide them.

`I'm on my way to the vet's now, just as soon as I've finished my drink.’

His glass had been standing empty on the counter for over twenty minutes. `It might not be today, might it?’

There was a note almost of desperation in his voice. `He's still cheerful. He's been eating better recently, I know he has. No-one can make me do it.’

Now he sounded like a fractious child. `I'll know when the time really comes. I'll know.’

There was nothing I could say that would make him feel better. I tried, though. I bent to stroke Charly, feeling the closeness of bone to skin beneath my moving fingers. Some things can be healed. I made my fingers warm, probing gently, trying to see. The burr already seemed larger. I knew it was hopeless.

`He's your dog, Guillaume,' I said. `You know best.’

`That's right.’

He seemed to brighten for a moment. `His medicine keeps the pain away. He doesn't whine any more in the night.’

I thought of my mother in those last months. Her pallor, the way the flesh melted from her, revealing a delicate beauty of stripped bone, bleached skin. Her bright and feverish eyes – Florida sweetheart, New York, Chicago, the Grand Canyon, so much to see! – and her furtive cries in the night.

`After a while you just have to stop,' I said. `It's pointless. Hiding behind justifications, setting short-term goals to see out the week. After a while it's the lack of dignity that hurts more than anything else. You need to rest.’

Cremated in New York; ashes scattered across the harbour. Funny, how you always imagine dying in bed, surrounded by your loved ones. Instead, too often, the brief bewildering encounter, the sudden realization, the slow motion panic ride with the sun coming up behind you like a swinging pendulum however much you try to outrun it..

`If I had a choice I'd take this one. The painless needle. The friendly hand. Better that than alone in the night, or under the wheels of a cab in a street where no-one stops to look twice.’

I realized that without meaning to, I had spoken aloud. `I'm sorry, Guillaume,' I said, seeing his stricken look. `I was thinking about something else.’

`That's all right,' he said quietly, putting the coins down onto the counter in front of him. `I was just going anyway.’

And picking up his hat with one hand and Charly with the other, he went out, stooping a little more than usual, a small drab figure carrying what might have been a sack of groceries or an old raincoat or something else altogether.