Close to the Bone

38

One wall was a solid bank of TV screens. Most of them were dark, just a handful playing various matches and races from the other side of the globe, so a pair of auld mannies could perch on red-vinyl stools and stare at them through milk-bottle-bottom glasses. Swigging from tins of Special Brew at twenty to nine on a Wednesday morning.

Ma Stewart sat behind the counter, one plump cheek propped up on her hand, pulling her face out of shape as she leafed through something glossy with telephoto snaps of celebrities in their bikinis. Big red circles drawn around their thighs and tummies so the reader could indulge in a bit of cellulite schadenfreude. Not that Ma had anything to gloat about, she was like an overstuffed sofa in a violent orange-and-gold silk blouse, unbuttoned to expose a vast crevasse of pale quivering cleavage bedecked with gold chains and little sparkly things. She’d swept her wiry grey hair up into a bun that wobbled on top of her head every time she sighed and turned a page.

Dildo marched over, the sports bag slung over one shoulder, and knocked on the countertop. ‘Shop.’

Ma looked up from ‘CELLULITE BIKINI BODIES SHOCKER!’ and a huge smile spread across her huge face. ‘Mr Mair, how nice to see you again. Would you. .’ Her eyes drifted across to Logan, then her scarlet lips parted in a wet O, like a bullet hole. ‘Sergeant McRae, we haven’t seen you in ages! Oh, what happened to your poor face? ’ She closed her magazine, then reached across the counter and pinched his cheek. ‘You’re skin and bone! That’ll never do.’

The cover had a photo of Nichole Fyfe on it, posing in her witch-finder’s costume. ‘NICHOLE’S TROUBLED PAST: “ACTING SAVED ME FROM A LIFE OF CRIME”’ in lurid Helvetica.

Dildo hefted the sports bag up onto the counter. ‘We need to talk.’

But Ma wasn’t looking at him. She turned towards the back of the shop and took a deep breath. ‘Janice! Janice, put the kettle on: the police are here. And see if we’ve got any rowies left, poor Sergeant McRae’s wasting away.’

The replica sword glittered in the overhead strip-lights. ‘You recognize this? ’ Dildo clunked it next to the sports bag, then went back in and came out with a dittay book. ‘How about this? ’

A little old man shuffled out of the door behind the counter, hands dug deep into the pockets of a shapeless cardigan. He’d wedged a Witchfire baseball cap onto his head, far enough down to make the tops of his ears stick out at right angles. He blew his nose on a tatty grey hanky. ‘Dougie says we’re running out of blanks.’

Ma patted him on one sloping shoulder. ‘I’ll chase the suppliers up. Everything else all right? ’

‘We’re doing Peggy’s birthday cake in a minute — her daughter’s picking her up at quarter past for a day’s shopping in Dundee. Takes all sorts.’ He folded up the hanky and stuck it back in his pocket. ‘You want to come sing? ’

A big smile. ‘Wouldn’t miss it for the world. Just let me see to these nice police officers, and I’ll be right through.’ Then she mouthed, ‘Police!’ at him.

He just stared at her.

Dildo plonked the pricking dagger, witch-finder’s badge, T-shirts and caps down in front of Ma. ‘Care to explain these? ’

Her thick fingers drummed on the counter, gold and diamond rings shining. ‘These. .? Sorry, I really have no idea what you’re talking about. Now, how about a nice cup of tea? ’

‘How many times do we have to have the talk, Ma? You can’t counterfeit other people’s merchandise.’

‘How about a slice of birthday cake? It’s a Victoria sponge, Janice makes the best-’

‘I’ve got a warrant.’

Her face sagged around a scarlet pout. ‘But I’ve not done anything wrong. .’

The last wobbling strains of ‘Happy Birthday to You’ faded away, then Peggy leaned forward and huffed out the candles in three wheezing breaths. A cheer went up from the assembled dozen-or-so OAPs and she sat back beaming her dentures at them, rubbing knobble-knuckled hands as Ma Stewart cut the cake.

Radio 2 burbled out into the large room. The ceiling was a patchwork of stained grey tiles, the breezeblock walls painted white and covered with posters of kittens and ‘You Don’t Have To Be Mad To Work HERE’, the floor with beige carpet tiles patched with duct tape. .

Metal modular shelving ran around the outside of the room, between the posters, spider plants trailing their pale-green tendrils down from between cardboard boxes of dittay books and baseball caps. Benches and tables filled the middle of the room, some with sewing machines, others with glue and glitter, another handful with assorted tools, bales of fabric, sheets of leather, cutting tools. . A proper little cottage counterfeiting industry.

The wee man in the baggy cardigan handed out china plates with slices of birthday cake on them. A blue-rinsed woman — hunched over like a quaver — followed him with cups of tea.

Logan took one of each and settled back against a workbench festooned with blank notebooks. A pile of red leather covers lay next to them — each one tooled with the dittay book’s swirls and patterns. He took a bite, and a sip of tea. Good cake. Nice and moist.

Ma swept her hands up, until she stood there like an over-inflated letter T. ‘See, how can this possibly be wrong? ’

Dildo picked up a witch-finder badge, the enamel only half done. ‘Because it’s illegal.’

‘I’m providing a service to the community. These poor dears need something to keep them busy, don’t you, Dougie? ’

A man in a tank-top, shirt, and tie nodded, making his comb-over bang up and down like a trapdoor. ‘Better than listening to some wee tosspot singing ye olde wartime songs at us. I’m seventy-five, not ninety — I saw the Rolling Stones live about a dozen times. And the Sex Pistols. “Knees up Mother Brown” my sharny arse.’

Peggy put an arthritis-twisted hand to her chest and rolled her eyes. ‘Oh, Mr Galloway, such language!’

He grinned. ‘Ah, you love it when I talk dirty.’

Ma’s chest swelled up, as if she was about to explode. ‘You see? They get out and about, we have nice lunches, tea and biscuits, they get to make new friends, gossip, maybe a little romance. .? ’

A blush spread across Peggy’s lined cheeks. ‘One knee-trembler after the pub shuts and they never let you forget it.’

‘And you know what the state pension’s worth these days, don’t you? Nowhere near enough to keep body and soul together. I provide my ladies and gentlemen with a nice little income and a lovely place to work.’

Dildo sighed. ‘That’s not the point. It’s still-’

‘And who’s it hurting? The film people aren’t making anything themselves, are they? So it can’t be illegal. Stands to reason. You can’t counterfeit something that doesn’t exist yet.’

‘Ma, you have to stop doing this.’

‘They like getting together and making things. And they do such a good job too, have you seen the quality? ’

‘It — doesn’t — matter!’

Logan plucked a pricking knife from a box. They’d fixed the guard in place, but the pommel was missing and the hilt wasn’t wrapped in leather yet, the words ‘MADE IN ABERDEENSHIRE’ stamped into the metal. Eight-inch blade at one end, tiny half-centimetre blade at the other. ‘How many of these have you made? ’

She smiled. ‘Lovely, aren’t they? There’s a wee engineering works I know that produces the most wonderful metalwork. Between you and me: the manager picks his nose, but you have to overlook that kind of thing in an artiste.’

‘How many? ’

‘Oh, we’ve got about three hundred in the store, don’t we, Charles? ’

The man in the saggy cardigan shrugged. ‘Can’t make any more till we get those blanks in.’

Three hundred. So much for tracking down the murder weapon.

Dildo held up his warrant. ‘Right, I’m confiscating this lot. You know the drill: stop what you’re doing. And if anyone wants to lend a hand loading it all into the van. .? ’

‘It’s so unfair. .’ Ma Stewart leaned against the betting shop counter, fanning herself with her gossip mag as Dildo staggered out to the van under the weight of half a dozen cardboard boxes. ‘We’re only trying to give the old folks something productive to do.’

Logan unscrewed the pommel from a counterfeit pricking knife and ran his thumb across the minute triangular blade. Sharp. ‘Where did you get the designs from? ’

‘You don’t want them just mouldering away in a retirement home, do you? They need something to focus on.’

‘Knives, costumes, swords, badges, books. . They’re all identical to the film props, so someone must be slipping you the plans on how to make them.’

Ma puckered her scarlet lips. ‘I have my sources.’

‘Someone in the props department? ’

‘Surely we could come to some sort of arrangement? If I can’t sell the merchandise, I can’t pay my people. That’s not what you want, is it? Them going home empty-handed after putting in so much work? ’

‘Who — did — you — get — the — designs — from? ’

A big sigh swelled her cleavage again. ‘All right, all right. Since it’s you: I had a contact on the inside. A lovely girl who wanted to help my pensioners. Pretty little thing, and so polite! Shame about her boyfriend. .’

‘It was Agnes Garfield, wasn’t it? You’re the reason she was stealing stuff from the set.’

‘She did not “steal”. She borrowed.’ Ma raised her chin, dragging ripples with it. ‘Agnes adores those books, she just wants to make sure people can hold a bit of it in their hands. It was her idea to use my ladies and gentlemen, so they’d have something to do, and a bit of spending money to brighten up their old age.’ A tear sparkled in the corner of Ma’s eye. ‘She didn’t even want a cut of the profits. But I insisted: I said to her, I said, “It’s only fair you get your share. We couldn’t do it without you.” We’ve still got her money sitting here. Personally, I wouldn’t be surprised if she gives it all to charity.’

Dildo marched back in through the shop’s front door, and out through the rear again.

‘Why can’t more people be like that, Sergeant McRae? Selfless and giving? ’

And psychotic, and delusional, and dangerous. .

‘How do you get in touch? ’

A smile. ‘We phone her, silly. Everyone has a mobile these days. My Norman calls me on mine all the time, ever since he split up from Marcus. So sad. They made a lovely couple, but it’s Bobbit and Rascal I feel sorry for. .’

Mobile. Worth a go. ‘What’s her number? ’

‘No one ever thinks of the terriers, do they? ’ Ma slipped on a pair of half-moon spectacles and peered into a thick address book, lips moving as she scanned her finger across the page. ‘Here we are. .’

Logan copied it down into his notebook. It wasn’t the one Agnes’s parents had given them, so it looked as if Chalmers was right: she’d ditched the old phone and bought herself a brand-new pay-as-you-go. ‘Call her.’

A frown. ‘And say what? That the police are here and they want to speak to her? I don’t think she’ll like that.’

‘Just. . Call her and tell her you’ve got something from the film company waiting for her. Tell her someone dropped it off, specially for her.’

‘Who? ’

‘I don’t know: someone who wants to remain anonymous? ’

‘Tsk. .’ Ma shook her head, making everything wobble. ‘For a man, you’re a terrible liar.’

She took out her phone and punched in the number, then let it ring. And ring. And ring. . ‘Hello? Rowan, it’s Ma Stewart, how are you?. . Oh, you know, the usual. Can’t complain. . Yes. .’ She put her hand over the mouthpiece and winked at Logan. ‘It’s her.’ Then back to the phone: ‘I don’t think so, dear, but I’ll check. . Yes. . Listen, I’ve still got your first share of the proceeds sitting here, and Peggy’s knitted a lovely cardigan for you. You know, like the one Rowan wears in the tower-block scene?. . Yes, that’s right. It looks smashing. And did you know it’s her birthday today?. . I know!’ A long pause, with lots of nodding. ‘Yes, no, twenty minutes will be lovely. I’ll save you some cake.’

Then Ma hung up and smiled at him. ‘There we go. All sorted.’

Twenty minutes. ‘Thanks.’ Logan hurried out through the door to the car park, already dialling Steel. ‘We need an Armed Response Unit: Agnes Garfield’s coming in.’

‘Laz, I’m no’ in the mood for jokes. Bad enough I’ve got Bell and Leith taking swings at each other like drunken-’

‘She’s going to be at Ma Stewart’s place in about twenty minutes.’

‘For real? ’

‘Positive.’

A pause. ‘Now that’s more sodding like it! We nab her, we tell those Weegie bastards to stuff their case review up their fundament, then we go down the pub and booze it up till we can’t stand. Ha! Hold on, I need to go tell the ACC. He’ll cream his frilly pink undies.’

Five minutes later Steel was back on the phone. ‘We’re screwed.’

‘Already? How did-’

‘Can’t get a firearms team to you in twenty minutes. It’ll take at least half an hour — silly sods are doing a training exercise in Fraserburgh and took the armoury keys with them.’

Logan checked his watch. ‘Fifteen minutes now.’

‘Can you no’ get her to come back later? ’

‘Yeah, why don’t I do that. And maybe I can ask her to bring some biscuits for when we arrest her? ’ He took a couple of paces towards the van, then back again. Time to improvise. ‘OK, forget the firearms team. Far as we know she’s probably got a knife, but that’s it. Sim’s got her stab-proof vest and a thing of pepper-spray. We’ll be fine.’

‘We’re scrambling every patrol car we can find. She’ll-’

‘A bunch of cars hammering through the streets with blues-and-twos going? That’s not going to scare her off, is it? Plainclothes only: stick to the speed limit, nothing flashy.’

A grumble came from the other end of the phone. ‘Fine. But when you get back, you and me are going to have a wee chat about the chain of command. In the meantime, you’re no’ to do anything stupid. Like let her get away.’

‘I know.’

‘I’m serious, Laz! Mr Fuckup is not coming to visit, understand? ’

‘OK,’ Logan downed the last of his tea and put the cup and saucer on the nearest workbench, ‘so I hide under the counter out front. We wait till she comes through to the back of the shop, then Dildo blocks the back door, I block the front, and Sim tackles Agnes. Any questions? ’

The counterfeiting room was virtually empty — all the merchandise loaded into the back of Dildo’s council van. The OAP workforce was squeezed into Ma’s office, complaining about not being able to sit down, and what did that poor Garfield girl ever do to deserve getting pounced on?

Logan closed the door on them. Now it was just him, Dildo, and Constable Sim.

Sim sniffed. ‘You sure we shouldn’t get them out of the building? ’

‘Agnes would see them milling about and know something was up. You got your pepper-spray? ’

A lopsided smile. ‘She’s an eighteen-year-old girl, Guv, not Genghis Khan.’

Logan’s phone rang: the Beatles and ‘Octopus’s Garden’. He pulled it out. ‘Dave, I’m kind of busy, so-’

The psychologist’s voice was clipped. ‘Do you not think you could’ve asked before clogging up my inbox with three hundred and sixty-two emails? ’

Ah. . ‘Look, I just need you to work your magic and tell me which of them are deluded and which are genuinely dangerous.’

‘Now I’ve got IT on my back moaning about server space. And if you’d bothered to check: the profile I gave you clearly shows that Agnes Garfield is-’

Something bleeped at the front of the betting shop. The door.

Sodding hell.

Logan checked the security-camera monitor mounted above the entrance through to the front of the shop. A figure in a hoodie and baseball cap stood in the middle of the screen in fuzzy black-and-white-ovision.

‘Sorry, Dave, I’ve got to go.’

‘Logan, I’m not-’

He hung up.

Sim peered up at the picture, her voice lowered to a whisper. ‘That Agnes? ’

‘Difficult to tell. .’ The general size and shape was right, but the baggy hoodie and cap did a pretty decent job of hiding any distinguishing characteristics. ‘Might be? ’

If it was, she was five minutes early and Steel was right: they were screwed. There was no way he’d be able to sneak out front now and hide under the counter. Plan B, plan B, plan B. .

Logan pointed into the room. ‘Move!’

Dildo scurried over to the back door and hid behind a stack of cardboard boxes. Sim ducked under a workbench in the middle of the room. Logan flattened himself against the wall beside the door, on the opposite side to the handle. So when it opened it’d hide him from view.

A voice floated through from the betting shop, high, wobbly at the edges. Definitely female. ‘Hello? Ma? ’

‘Hello, Rowan love. Oh, I love the new hair — that colour is just so you!’

Stop sodding about, you old trout. Send her through the back. .

‘You go on through, there’s cake and tea.’

‘Em, OK. .’

Logan licked his lips.

The door handle turned.

Here we go. Nice and easy. No one gets hurt.

The door swung open.