Corbenic

Chapter Fifteen

She has wronged me too grieviously.

Parzival

The numbers wouldn’t add up. Tossing down the pen he leaned his head on his hands and yawned. He was confused and tired and bored, and to cap it all, just then Phyllis came in and said acidly, “There’s a phone call for you. On your uncle’s private line.” It was like an accusation.

He got up wearily, and went into the other office, closing the door. He took a deep breath, picked up the receiver firmly and said, “Yes?” He still hadn’t told her. He’d do it now. But it wasn’t his mother.

“Is this . . . Cal?”

“That’s right.”

“Oh hello, Cal. I’m sorry to ring but this was the only number I could find; I’m so glad I could get hold of you.” A woman. Sounding nervous.

He sat down slowly on Trevor’s chair. “Who is this?”

Some nurse. Some policewoman. But she said, “You don’t know me—well, your mother may have mentioned me. My name’s Rhian. I’m her case worker.”

Dull relief warmed him. “Yes. She’s told me about you.”

“Look. I hope you don’t mind me ringing. I mean, I know how it must have been for you. She’s told me a few things. I know how the children . . . suffer in these cases.”

“What do you want?” he said, his voice tight.

She seemed to hesitate; there was a tiny breath. “It’s about Christmas.”

He was chewing his nails; he made himself stop. “What?”

Then it all came out in a rush. “Cal, you will be home, won’t you? I’m sure you think I’m incredibly rude for interfering like this—Annie doesn’t know, of course—but it’s just that she’s made so much effort. She’s desperate to see you. She feels . . . well she feels she’s driven you away and that you can’t forgive her. That you’ve gone like your father went.”

Cal stood up, shaking with rage. “My father! What do you mean, my father!”

“Cal, I . . .”

“Who the hell are you to talk to me like this! You have no idea who I am!” His voice was raw, stammering. He didn’t care.

“I’m sorry. Please . . .”

He was holding the phone so tight it hurt. “Whether or not I come home at Christmas is up to me, do you understand? Me. No one else! No bloody social worker!”

“It’s for your mother, Cal. That’s the only reason I’m asking you. I know I’ve upset you. I’m sorry. It was clumsy. All I want to know is that you’re coming. I really think that if you don’t come she’ll relapse.”

That sweet, sincere tone. He’d heard it so often it turned him sick.

“That’ll be my fault, will it!”

“Of course not. It’s just . . .”

“Well you needn’t bother worrying. I’m coming home on Christmas Eve. Now get off my bloody back!” He crashed the phone down hard. For a moment he stood there breathing deep. Behind him the door creaked. Phyllis had made sure she had heard every word.

He swung around, grabbed his coat, and slammed out of the office.

Chepstow was cold, frosty. It was four days to Christmas and the schools had broken up; kids were in the shops, and outside Boots a tiny merry-go-round purred round and round, empty except for one little boy sitting on his mother’s lap and laughing. All the windows were lit with fairy lights and tinselly decorations that reflected hundreds of tiny colored glimmers into Cal’s eyes. Hot with rage he walked through them all, then found himself staring in at Oxfam’s old clothes, clutching his arms tight around his body, his mind saying, “Money. I’ll send money,” over and over.

Slowly, he made himself cool down. Getting worked up didn’t help. He had to control it. His training with Hawk had helped him see that.

There was another of the MISSING posters on the Oxfam window. He reached out for it but it was inside, so he touched only glass.

Sophie Lewis. It was her. He should warn her about them. How could she hate what he had always wanted? How could a big house and private school and skiing holidays be hell? What did she know about hell?

When he got home he was surprised to hear Thérèse humming in the kitchen. The immaculate living room was rich with the smells of cooking; Cal knew Trevor would be annoyed about that.

He had meant to march straight upstairs and put the opera on, to slam his door and lie buried in the music of the Grail but Thérèse put her head out and said, “Coffee?”

Cal sank onto the cream sofa. “Thanks.” But if she mentioned Christmas, he thought . . .

She brought it out on a tray, with two delicate cups and some almond biscuits. It smelled as he thought France must smell. One day, when he’d made his money . . .

Thérèse poured from the cafetière and added a splash of hot milk. She sat back and curled her feet up luxuriously. Perhaps she saw he was upset; she sipped the coffee and was quiet for a while, and then said, “Trevor phoned. His client was late. We’re dining in tonight. For a change.”

He nodded, scratching absently at a tiny mark in the blond wood.

“Join us, Cal. We’ve barely eaten with you since you came.”

He smiled, wan. “I thought I’d go to Hawk’s.”

“Your New Age friends?”

He nodded.

“You like them?”

“Yes,” he said simply.

She smiled. “I did too. That girl, I liked her.” She leaned over. “Don’t take any notice of what Trevor says, Cal. Friends are important.”

He rubbed the warm cup between his hands. “Are you going to marry him?” he asked quietly.

Thérèse didn’t seem surprised. Her dark, curly hair had come loose and a trail of it curled on the fluffy sweater she wore. After a moment she said, “Trevor is . . . different from me. I love him, he’s a dear. But . . .”

“He’s too tidy.”

It was a joke, but she didn’t laugh. Instead she said sadly, “He doesn’t want children.”

Cal was silent. No, he thought. Not Trevor. Not a crying baby, not all the mess, the sickness, the toys, the greasy fingermarks on the furniture. Not all the upheaval in this perfect life he’d made for himself.

“But you do?”

She smiled. “I do, Cal. And I want a warm, messy kitchen and flowers and a grubby dog and dirty wellingtons and a real log fire.”

He nodded, and drank the coffee. She said, “You’re like him.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are, chéri. But don’t be too like him, Cal. Something died in him, long ago. Don’t let it die in you too.”

Embarrassed, he put the cup down and took one of the biscuits. To change the subject, abruptly he said, “She’s run away from home, did you know? Shadow. There are posters round the town. She should be in Bath doing A levels.”

“No!” Thérèse sat up. “But that’s terrible. Her parents must be frantic! You must tell her to go home, Cal. After all, it’s Christmas, no? How could she do that to them?”

It stung him. He put the biscuit down, untouched.

Trevor’s key rattled suddenly in the lock.

“Don’t tell him,” he whispered urgently. “About Shadow.”

She nodded, reluctant. “Promise me you’ll talk to her.”

“I will,” he muttered.

But it was only after they’d seen the overcooked, crusty ruin of the pizza and Hawk had groaned and threatened the microwave with a battle-axe that he knew he would do it.

Hawk got up, his bristly head brushing the van roof. “That’s it. Chips. Fish. For three?”

Cal nodded and thought with a sigh of Thérèse’s French cuisine. It reminded him. But when Hawk had gone, Shadow said, “Will your parents mind?”

“Mind what?”

“You being with the Company. It’ll be at night, Christmas Eve, late. At Caerleon.”

“I’m not a kid,” he said crossly. Then, “Will you be there?”

“Of course.” She tied her slick hair back in a sliver of dark lace. “I get to join up too.”

“Girls? At the Round Table?”

She grinned, smug. “Maybe they’ve changed with the times.” As she turned, her long skirt brushed the table and toppled it; knives and forks slid off, a scatter of pens, a whole pack of cards. Cal bent instantly, but her black, gloved fingers caught his arm. “Leave them.”

“But . . .” He stared. “Why?”

“Because I say.” She sat opposite, watching him. “I just want you to leave them there. If it doesn’t bother you.”

“No.” He sat back, his feet among the cards. “Of course it doesn’t.”

But it did. The cat jumped up on his lap; he pushed it down and said, “Shadow . . .”

“Just leave the stuff on the floor, Cal.” She leaned forward. “It’s just untidy. It’s not hurting.”

It hurt him. He couldn’t breathe; he knew she was trying him, that it was some sort of test and he couldn’t stand it so he said, “There are posters about you. All over the town.”

“Posters?” Her look was suddenly alert, her skin white under the cobweb.

“Missing from home. Sophie Lewis.”

“Oh, God!” she said, jumping up. “Will Hawk see them?”

“There was one in the chippie. But I took it.” He held out the crumpled ball; it had dried hard and broke as she pulled it open. She read it, then flung the scraps in the tiny stove, turning on him in rage. “Why didn’t you tell me!”

“I’m telling you now. Doesn’t Hawk know?”

“Of course not!” She was standing now, restless in the cramped space. “I mean, he doesn’t know they’re looking for me. He thinks it’s okay.”

Cal nodded. Carefully he said, “Maybe . . . you should phone. Just tell them you’re well.”

“I’ve done that. My mother just goes on. I can’t stand it.”

He looked down.

“You wouldn’t understand!” she burst out. “Sure, I had everything I wanted. Good home, school, clothes. But I hated it, Cal, because no one gave a damn about me. The real me, not what they wanted me to be. A family, that’s what I was searching for. And I found one. Hawk—he’s great, but my parents would detest him. I mean, come on, no money, no old school tie, nothing. Just some pathetic person who lives in the past!”

He wanted to interrupt, to say something but she swept on, grabbing a handful of the tablecloth and twisting it in her fingers. “They just want me to do it all their way. Go to university. Get a high-powered job. Become a barrister or a stockbroker. There’s this boy, Marcus, he’s cracked about me. His father plays golf with mine. He’s all right but I know what they’re thinking. His father’s money, their company. Get married. Have kids. I wanted to break out, smash out, right out of that life. The stink of their money.”

“What’s wrong with money?” he said, sullen.

“Plenty. These people, Hawk, Arthur, they don’t care about money. It’s like a new world for me.” She looked down at him. “Listen. Don’t tell Hawk. Or any of them. They’d never let me join them, they’d just send me home. No one knows but you. And Merlin, though I certainly never told him.”

“It’s not fair on Hawk.”

She shrugged, stubborn. “That’s my business.”

“And look, Shadow, it’s not fair on your parents.” Suddenly it mattered to him that she went, that one of them went back, and he couldn’t, he couldn’t, so it had to be her. “Think what sort of a Christmas they’re going to have!” He stood up, and to her shock she saw his eyes were wet. “Think of them alone in that house, and how they’ll be thinking of you, only about you! How can you do that to them! How she’ll be crying, all by herself. Drinking. Thinking you hate her. Knowing you hate her.”

“I don’t hate them!”

“They won’t know that!”

He caught her wrist; amazed, she shook him off. “Get lost, Cal! Get off my back! This is my problem! It’s got nothing to do with you!”

For a second he stared at her as if there was something huge he had to say, something so massive it would destroy him to speak it. Then he had turned and gone, brushing past Hawk so that a packet of chips fell on the frozen soil.

“Hey!” Hawk yelled. “What’s the rush?”

Cal glanced back at Shadow’s stricken face. “I’ll see you on Christmas Eve,” he whispered.

On the twenty-third he packed.

When his mother rang he said bleakly, “I’ll be home tomorrow. The train gets in about six.”

“Oh God, Cal, it’ll be so good to see you.”

Her voice was husky; he had to loosen his grip on the phone, and say, “I haven’t been away that long.”

“It seems like forever!”

He knew she had been drinking. Years of interpreting her mood, the nuances of her voice, told him that. Not much, but enough.

“Mam,” he said quietly, “are the voices still gone?”

She was silent. Then her whisper came, secret and confiding. “Last night, I heard them. At first I thought it was him and her next door, arguing, but it wasn’t. It was a lot of people, Cal, like a great crowd, somewhere far off, laughing and talking, and a clatter like plates and dishes. A banquet. And music, faint, like harps. And you were there, Cal.”

“Me?”

“I heard you. As if you were close to me. ‘I didn’t see a thing,’ you were saying, loud, like you do when you’re getting all het up.”

He stared across the room at the mirror, at himself. “You can’t have,” he whispered.

But her mood had changed; she was scared now. “I haven’t heard them for so long. When they’d gone, I got up and went in all the rooms, and sat on your bed—it’s so tidy, Cal, spotless, just like you keep it—and I listened. All night I listened. But they didn’t come back. Will they come back, Cal? Like they used to do?”

“I don’t know,” he said desperately. Then, “No. Not if you remember to take your pills. You are taking them, aren’t you?”

“The dustbin worries me.” Her voice was thin now, full of dread. “It keeps overflowing. I can’t remember when they come for it.”

“Thursdays.” He was sweating; he said, “Ask Sally. She knows. Look, I’ve got to go now. I’ll see you tomorrow. Tell this woman Rhian about the voices. Ring her now. Don’t forget. And Mam . . .”

“You are coming? If you don’t . . .”

“I’ve SAID! I’ve said I’ll come.” He calmed his voice, with an effort. “okay?”

“okay,” she whispered.

“Mam . . .”

“What, sweetheart?”

Don’t drink anything. Stay out of the pub. Walk the long way round, away from the off-license. Stop blackmailing me. Stop ruining my life.

But all he said was, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“I love you, Cal,” she whispered.

He put the phone down and sat with his head in his hands. He sat there for an hour, then went up to his bedroom and closed the door and pulled the duvet off the bed and wrapped it around himself, huddled against the radiator, trying to get warm, to let the darkness cover him, to make the whole sickening mess go away.

He had to go. He had to go. But if he did he had to tell Hawk he wouldn’t be at Caerleon, and he wanted so much to be with them, all of them, in the cheerful, messy farmhouse. All his life all he had ever wanted was to be normal, have a family, real friends.

Through the night in the silent house his thoughts tormented him, trapped in the endless agony of his selfishness, of his dread. He must have slept, because at some point the whole mess liquefied, became a whirlpool sweeping him down, into the golden hollow of a great cup, and he was scrambling hopelessly to climb out, but the sides were slippery and sheer and he fell back with a splash.

And there were all sorts of things with him in the red flood; Shadow was there with her face paint washed off, and Hawk, clinging to the wreckage of his shield, and Phyllis, swimming firmly with strong strokes.

“Little apple tree!” A voice hissed above him, and he looked up and saw Merlin. The madman was balanced, feet wide, on the lip of the cup; now he squatted and held out a long, shining lance and said, “Catch hold, knight. For the quest begins here. Here the marvels begin; here begin the terrors!”

With a great effort Cal flung his arm up and grabbed the lance, but his clutching fingers slid on it, and he saw that it was bleeding, great drops of blood, and it was the blood that filled the cup, the blood that was drowning him.

He let go, and fell, down and down, and the darkness came up around him, and it was sleep.

“Have a good time.” Cal leaned into the car.

“Thanks,” Thérèse said happily. “And give your mother my love.”

Trevor was fishing in his pocket. He brought out a small package. “This is for her,” he said. “Tell her . . . tell her Happy Christmas from me.”

Cal took it silently. Behind him the station announcements echoed. He turned. “I’d better go.”

For a second all he wanted to do was get back in the car. Thérèse put her hand on his arm. “It will be all right,” she said quietly. “As soon as you get there you will enjoy it. And it’s only for a few days. Think what it means to her, Cal.”

He nodded.

As the car turned in the forecourt and drove away he waved, seeing Thérèse’s hand waving back until they turned the corner and were gone. Then he picked up his bag and went into the station.

He got into the queue for the tickets but when he was two from the front he turned abruptly and went on to the station and sat on a bench, cold to his bones.

The station clock said nine twenty. At ten twenty he was still there. Trains came in and went out. Announcements echoed, reverberating lists of names and places he’d never been. People got on and off, kissed good-bye, bought newspapers, ran. Ordinary people. People going home for Christmas.

He was frozen; he couldn’t move. He watched them without curiosity, as if all feeling had drained out of him. As if he was invisible among them.

When the third train for Newport had left, the platform was empty. He stood up, numb with exhaustion.

Then he went home. To Otter’s Brook.