Crouching Buzzard, Leaping Loon

Apparently I wasn't projecting anything with sufficient force for the biker to notice. I stopped a few feet short of the car and wondered what to do next. My supposed assailant was still peering under the car. What could he possibly be doing? Was there some kind of nefarious sabotage he could do to the undercarriage of my car? And he was holding a ratty old towel on one hand – soaked in ether, perhaps, the better to subdue his unwary victims? Or did thugs use some more modern anesthetic these days? And how long was I supposed to stand around waiting for him to notice my fierce, alert, threatening presence, anyway? Should I clear my throat or something to get his attention?

“Hey!“ I shouted. “What do you think you're doing? Get away from my car!“

He stood up, bumping his head on the door handle on the way. “Shh!“ he said, putting his finger to his lips and whispering. “You'll scare her.“

Fingers massaging where he'd hit his head, he bent down again and looked back under the car, leaving me standing there, purse in hand, feeling ridiculous.

“Here, kitty-kitty-kitty!“ he called in a falsetto.

“You're looking for a cat?“ I asked.

“A pregnant cat,“ he said.

“Ah,“ I said. “I was wondering where she went.“

“She's under your car,“ he said, standing up and puffing a little, as if prolonged bending over tired him. “She won't come out.“

Sensible cat.

“Perhaps the noise is scaring her,“ I said.

“Noise?“ he repeated.

“You know – the chains and stuff,“ I said, gesturing to his outfit. “All that jingling.“

“I should have realized!“ he exclaimed, and began divesting himself of chains. “The poor little pussycat! I never realized how terrified she must be.“

He'd shed the bracelet chains and belt chains, and was just discovering that he'd have to shed his jacket and jeans to rid himself of the ones permanently attached to them. I was about to protest – although I was mildly curious to see if his striptease act would reveal any other amusing tattoos – when the cat, evidently alarmed by the noise of his chains hitting the asphalt, made a break for freedom. Luckily she was so focused on the biker that she failed to notice my arrival. I dropped my purse and managed to snag her, though she was struggling so hard I wasn't sure I could hold her.

“Here, let me take her,“ the biker said. With a few deft moves, he swaddled the cat in the towel so that only her head showed. She mewed faintly in protest, then gave up and closed her eyes.

I sucked a few of the worst scratches on my right hand and was grateful, for almost the first time in two weeks, for the bandage that had shielded my left hand.

“Poor widdle thing,“ the biker cooed, scratching the cat behind the ear. “I've got a box all ready for you.“

“A box?“ For a moment I visualized a perfect feline-size coffin, topped with a wreath of catnip; then I told myself to stop being so morbid.

“It's behind the car,“ he said. “Would you mind getting it?“

He'd have had to drop the cat to attack me, and I was beginning to get the feeling he was harmless. Either the cat felt the same way or she had given up all hope. While I didn't think she was enjoying having her head scratched, she'd stopped fighting.

I found the box and set it on the hood of my car. It was a copier-paper box with a six-inch-square hole cut in the lid and covered with a piece of old window screen.

I managed to get the top off, and the biker put the cat inside. He deftly unwrapped the towel with one hand and then set the top in place before the cat realized she could move again.

“Poor kitty,“ he cooed, peering down through the screen. “You had me worried.“

“Oh, is she your cat?“ I asked. “We thought she was a stray and took her in.“

“That was nice,“ he said. “No, I think she's a feral cat.“

He looked up at me.

“Which means she's essentially a wild animal, you know, and it's no good trying to domesticate her.“

“Nobody was – ,“ I began.

“Just like that buzzard you people are keeping,“ he went on. “That's a very bad practice. Wild birds were not meant to be house pets.“

“Tell me about it,“ I said. “I'm the one who gets to clean up after him.“

“I haven't been able to find out for sure yet,“ he said. “But there very well may be a Virginia law against keeping buzzards captive.“

I was getting a little tired of lectures.

“Listen, I appreciate your dedication to wildlife and all that, but who the hell are you, and what business is it of yours if we're keeping a whole bevy of buzzards in our office?“

“I'm – ,“ he began, sticking out his hand.

“Rrrowrrr!“ the cat wailed, an eerie noise that sent a chill up my spine.

“Oh, I think it's time,“ he said. “It's a good thing we caught her when we did. I'll take care of her now. Yes, you're a very brave cat, aren't you?“

The last comment was to the cat, of course, who continued to howl disconcertingly as he walked slowly away with her, his nose glued to the square of screen, telling her every second what a good, brave cat she was. He reached the corner, made a left, and continued walking.

I suppose it would have been nice to offer him a ride, but however relieved I was to find my supposed mugger was actually a feline midwife, I was still shaken. I retrieved my purse, got into my car, and drove off in the other direction.

I didn't really worry about leaving the cat in his hands. Clearly, whoever he was, he was a softie for animals.

But if he knew about George, he had obviously been inside the Mutant Wizards office at some time. Not necessarily since we'd moved to our new quarters since I didn't remember seeing him. But then again, I hadn't been there every moment. What if he had thought Ted was responsible for keeping George in captivity? Or had suspected Ted of some other unkindness to animals?

Which didn't seem that implausible to me. The office dog pack pretty much roamed at will during the day, in and out of all the cubes and offices, begging food and other attention from almost everyone. Except, perhaps Ted. Even genial Katy had always ignored Ted, and I didn't remember ever seeing her or any of the other dogs padding into or out of his cube. I'd never seen him mistreat them – I'd have had his head if I'd seen anything of the sort. But I had seen him teasing them, with perhaps the faintest suggestion of cruelty – enough to make me keep an eye on him.

What if our animal-loving biker had actually seen Ted mistreating a dog or cat? And had been angry enough to take revenge?

It sounded a little far-fetched, even to me. The chief would probably laugh at the idea that Ted might have been killed for cruelty to animals. Unless he saw the biker crooning over the pregnant cat, maybe. Then again, if the guy were a little over-enthusiastic on the subject of animal welfare, odds were he'd have already butted heads with the police sooner or later.

“I'll worry about it tomorrow,“ I muttered as I stumbled down the stairs to the Cave and unlocked the door. “It's way too late for any of this.“

It was 1:30 A.M. I had to be at work at 8:30 tomorrow – correction, today. I ought to go to bed, get as much sleep as I could, so I would be alert and rested for the busy day that awaited me. Sleeping was the only logical, sensible thing to do.

I called Michael.

“You're up late,“ he said. “Insomnia?“

“Investigating,“ I said, and I poured out everything that had happened since we'd last talked. Dr. Lorelei's love tryst, my discovery of Luis's notorious past, the midnight visit from the obsessed fan, Roger's porn site, and my encounter with the biker in the parking lot.

Well, not everything that had happened. I decided he didn't need to know about Roger's failed attempt to enlist me into his social life.

“You need to do something about the porn site right away,“ Michael said. “And if you ask me, this Roger creep is the most likely suspect for the murder, too.“

“He's up there, yes. Ted could have been blackmailing him about using Mutant Wizards servers for his porn operation.“

“You don't know that for sure. What if he was only using the CD burners?“

I thought back. He could be right. I didn't actually know for sure that his pornography was stored on Mutant Wizards hardware. I'd only assumed it.

“Good point,“ I said. “It's going to take someone a lot more tech-sawy than I am to figure that out.“

“And even if he is using the Mutant Wizards servers,“ Michael went on, “you want to make sure he's not doing it legitimately before you cause a stink.“

“Michael, Mutant Wizards is not in the pornography business,“ I protested.

“Not exactly, but how do you know what business deals Rob and the rest of them might have made to keep the company afloat during the first few months?“

That floored me.

“You think they might be running a porn site to make money?“ I demanded.

“No, but what if they sublet part of their hardware, or even just space in the computer lab, to someone who is running a porn site? It's not actually illegal, you know – and I hear it's highly profitable.“

I considered this. Mutant Wizards had gone through a few lean months in the early days. That was one reason I had become a major stockholder – I'd come up with the money to get Rob through one cash flow crisis. What if he'd had another financial pinch and didn't want to hit up the family again? What if he'd made a deal with the devil, so to speak?

“It might be legal, but it isn't respectable,“ I said. “And it would be a major PR disaster if it were true and the press found it out.“

“Exactly.“

“Thanks,“ I said. “I hadn't thought of that possibility. I'll have to get a little more information before I decide what to do about Roger.“

“Any idea how you're going to get the information?“

“I have a couple of possibilities,“ I said. “Luis, for example. He's got the skills, and now that I know his secret, I can probably motivate him to use them.“

“Of course, there is the fact that he's a suspect,“ Michael pointed out.

“Everyone I know who could possibly figure this out is a suspect,“ I said. “I'll ask someone else to look into the same thing, and compare what they come up with.“

“Who?“

“I don't know; I'll have to think about it when I'm more awake. Maybe I can figure out someone else that I have a hold over, like Luis. Or someone Ted hasn't yet tried to blackmail.“

Or maybe Jack, who would probably do it just because I was the one asking. Not that I was going to mention that to Michael.

“I need to spend more time with the printout first,“ I said. “If you ask me, it all comes down to the printout. It adds up – the blackmail note to Rob, the file on Luis, his having the address of Roger's site. He was trying to blackmail everyone on the list. So the murderer is almost certainly someone on this list.“

“Yes, but since no one on the list is identified by his or her real name, I'm not sure that gets you anywhere,“ Michael said.

“Yes, but I've already identified a couple of them. Luis as the Hacker, for example.“

“You're really sure about that?“ Michael asked.

“Let me get the file and look at the photo,“ I said, shuffling through the papers scattered across the sofa. “Yes, it's Luis – and my God, I should have noticed this before! The Robin Hood Hacker's name is Mike Crews – that's C-R-E-W-S.“

“So?“

“Luis's last name is Cruz – C-R-U-Z. Different spelling, but pronounced about the same.“

“I get it.“

“And I bet Dr. Lorelei is the Valkyrie. She's perfect for it.“

“Of course, that only leaves – what? – nine more names on the list?“

“Spoilsport,“ I said.

“Sorry,“ he said. “Listen, read the list, from the top; let's see if any of the other code names suggest anything.“

“Okay. The Emperor. The Space Cadet.“

“A lot of people call Rob a space cadet,“ Michael suggested.

“Yes, but he's not the only candidate at Mutant Wizards. Maybe not even the most logical.“

“Sad, but true.“

“And the way everyone at Mutant Wizards feels about Rob, they're just as apt to call him the Emperor.“

“Yes, but would Ted call him that?“ Michael asked.

“Good point. Anyway. The Hacker – are we agreed that he's Luis?“

“Right,“ Michael said.

“The Voyeur – that's Roger, because of the porn sites.“

“Hey, remember the blackmail note the police found in Rob's office?“ Michael asked. “Maybe that wasn't intended for Rob at all.“

“You mean, maybe the reference to naked pictures was about Roger's porn site?“ I exclaimed. “I like it!“

“Any chance Roger might also be the one who programmed Nude Lawyers from Hell?“

“Roger?“ I echoed. “No way.“

“Why not?“

Good question. I'd answered off the top of my head, and I had to think about why not.

“It's too nice,“ I said, finally. “There's something about it that's… I don't know… witty. Charming. A certain sly intelligence. And if Roger has an ounce of wit, charm, or intelligence, I'll eat one of his CDs.“

“Makes sense,“ he said. “So go on with the list.“

“The Ninja,“ I continued. “Mata Hari. The Bodice Ripper. That's Anna Lloyd, whoever she is. She may not even be at Mutant Wizards.“

“Or Anna Lloyd could be a pseudonym for someone you know. Maybe your friend Liz has a secret second life as a romance writer?“

“Doesn't seem likely to me. Getting back to the list: the Valkyrie.“

“Perfect for Dr. Lorelei, as you guessed,“ Michael said.

“And what if the blackmail note wasn't to Rob or Roger, but to her,“ I suggested. “What if Ted found some compromising pictures of her and her boyfriend?“

“Or took them, if they're getting up to things at the office.“

“Exactly,“ I said. “I like that idea a lot. Anyway, getting back to the list. The Luddite. Professor Higgins. And last but not least, the Iron Maiden. If you ask me, that's more likely to be Liz.“

Michael laughed. “You said it, not me.“

“I like her, but she grates on a lot of people. I'm sure she did on Ted, for example. And the note beside the Iron Maiden says, 'Still no angle.' I remember someone saying, the last day or so, how miffed Ted was that he couldn't get anywhere with Liz. What if what they thought was his trying to ask her out was his trying to blackmail her?“

“It's possible,“ Michael said. “Or maybe the payment he wanted wasn't in cash.“

“That's true,“ I said.

“Here's another interesting one,“ I said. “Beside the Ninja it says 'xxx pix.' Do you suppose that means the Ninja has something to do with Roger's porn scheme?“

“Seems possible,“ Michael said. “Is there anyone who seems particularly friendly with Roger?“

I pondered for quite a few expensive long-distance moments.

“Not really,“ I said at last. “I think of him as just hanging at the edge of a group, not exactly ignored, but tolerated, just barely. When I was a kid, we had an old dog who smelled so bad no one really wanted to have him around, but it wasn't really his fault, so you couldn't exactly chase him off. You just put up with him and hoped he'd go away eventually. That's how everyone treats Roger.“

“So if you notice someone who puts up with him more than most, maybe that's the Ninja.“

“Good point,“ I said. “I'll keep my eyes open.“

Wrong thing to say, I thought, glancing at the clock, and then trying instantly to forget what I saw.