Dead To Me

35

COMING HOME TO Ade, Janet felt sure he’d sense that she had lied, someone who knew her so well, for so long, who knew her inside out and had watched her go from a scared schoolgirl to a woman and a mother. How could he not tell? Not smell it on her, hear it in the spaces between her words?

‘Good do?’ he asked.

‘Same as ever,’ she replied. ‘The buffet was better though, think they got a new caterer in. How’s Elise?’ Changing the subject. Elise had come down with a bug. Sick daughter, loyal husband – and where’d she been? Tucked up with another man in a smart hotel in town. Jezebel. Ade didn’t ask her anything else about the evening and she dared to think she’d got away with it.

She went up to see Elise, who was in bed with the telly on. She looked feverish but if she could cope with the telly she couldn’t be too bad. Janet felt Elise’s forehead. Hot and dry. ‘You had some paracetamol?’

‘At four.’

‘More soon then. Like a drink?’

Elise shook her head.

‘It’s good to drink.’

‘I had one.’ Her eyes were heavy.

‘Food?’

‘No. Can you top up my phone?’ she said.

‘What do you do with it all?’ Janet said.

‘Speak to people, text people – it’s a phone, Mum, what do you think I do with it? God.’ Dripping with sarcasm. Elise ill was a mixture of martyrdom and bad temper.

‘OK,’ Janet agreed. ‘Poor thing,’ she sympathized and Elise assumed an expression of such suffering that Janet had to work very hard not to snigger at her.

‘Where were you last night?’

A clutching sensation in her belly. ‘Works party, stayed at Rachel’s.’

‘Who’s Rachel?’

‘New woman at work.’ Janet felt uncomfortable lying. She’d picked Rachel because Ade hadn’t met her, didn’t know her, unlike Gill. Less chance of him ever catching on. How could she think like this? ‘So, half an hour, take the tablets. Early night, eh?’

‘Don’t forget the phone.’

‘I’ll do it now.’

Janet tried to imagine how she would feel if Ade cheated on her. But it just didn’t seem realistic. Who’d have him? Morose, set in his ways, dull. When had he become that man? Safe, yes, reliable; qualities she had craved, had valued. But how close was safe to dull, reliable to boring?

And she’d be shocked to the core if Ade slept with someone else. He wouldn’t do that. He just wouldn’t. He loved her, for all his faults. He loved her and the girls. He’d never dream of doing something that might jeopardize all that. And nor would she, in the normal course of things. It made her feel ill. She’d betrayed her own morals, her personal code of conduct. Yes, it was only one night, a single night, and never to be repeated. A lot of people would think she was ridiculous to condemn herself so harshly for one slip. Get over yourself. Chalk it up to experience and move on. But that wasn’t how she was wired. And although she kept trying to forget, she could not find a way to forgive herself.

Dalbeattie’s number burned a hole in Rachel’s notebook all Saturday night. She went to the gym, worked the treadmill, did some weights, swam fifty lengths after. She could still feel the pull in the back of her thighs from chasing Kasim when she hadn’t been warmed up. One call. One call and devise a clever way of finding out where he’d been on Monday afternoon. Market research perhaps? Don’t be a tit, she told herself, he’s off limits.

She’d hoped Nick might be back for the weekend, but when she had sounded him out Friday morning, him in a rush, he said he was staying in London and catching up with some old friends. What friends? Had he known them at school or law school? She wondered briefly if she had anything to worry about but squashed the thought. Nick was into her, no doubts on that score. He made the running when they met and Rachel had been careful to appear interested but relaxed. Played it casual and saw it made him want her more. Want more of her. Each time it was Nick who raised the stakes, calling her to get together again, pushing for a weekend away, persuading her to meet up even when they could only snatch a couple of hours and he had to go out after and entertain clients. So she wasn’t going to turn into Little Miss Needy anytime soon. Quickest way to kill the relationship stone dead.

Sunday the boss had given them off. Sunday morning she drove up to Marsden and went for a run up along Stannedge Edge. Then she mugged up her tier three modules. It was a tough qualification to pass and not worth putting in for without plenty of preparation.

Rachel rang Nick. Listened to him talk about his weekend in London and how they should have a weekend there together some time, and then he asked how her new job was going, said she sounded a bit tired.

‘Not great,’ she said. ‘I tried to bring a girl in for sectioning on Thursday and she jumped from the fourth-floor flat. Topped herself.’

Suicide Act 1961 decriminalized the offence of taking one’s own life. Still a criminal offence to aid, abet, counsel or procure…

‘Rachel! Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘Middle of the night before I got back, and Friday there wasn’t a chance.’

‘God, how awful. You OK?’

‘Yes, just… bit shitty. Works do Friday night.’ Trying to sound brighter.

‘Any funny business with the photocopier?’

‘No. Was at this hotel.’

‘So you’re making friends?’

And enemies. ‘Janet’s OK, I guess.’

‘High praise indeed,’ he laughed.

‘I have high standards, me.’ She smiled.

‘Is this the same Janet you described as an uptight WI reject?’

‘Modified my opinion a bit.’ Suddenly she really missed him, wanted to be having this conversation face to face over a meal in one of the Michelin places in town, or at his flat afterwards. Wanted to be making love, or laughing with him. Not going to bed on her own. ‘Do you know what you’re doing at Christmas?’ she asked, surprising herself because she always let him take the initiative. Maybe his parents would expect him there?

‘Ah…’ he sounded disappointed, ‘Monty has invited me to his. Three-line whip.’

Monty, sort of poncey name you’d give a poodle, was Nick’s head of chambers. Monty was God in pinstripes. Rachel waited a beat, just in case the invitation extended to her. Imagined four-poster beds and vast rooms with huge fires, sweeping staircases, people with frightful accents and fabulous wealth.

‘Shooting and fishing,’ Nick added. ‘You’ll see your folks?’ Was he worried about her being lonely?

‘Yeah, probably. Same old.’ She’d put in an appearance at Alison’s on Christmas day. Watch the kids get fractious with all the excitement and sugar, have turkey and the works, keep her glass well topped up and slope off soon as she could.

By four o’clock Sunday afternoon she couldn’t sit still. She prepared her spiel:… a survey of local transport, it’ll only take two minutes, we sample a day of the week, ask you to tell us the time and distance of any journeys you made and the method of transport used. If I can ask you about Monday…

If he refused to tell her, she’d have to find another way to dig. Of course, he might just lie: No, never went out of the house all day and there’d be no way, posing as a market researcher, to verify it.

She had a beer and some cheese and crackers, said her spiel again then punched in his number before she changed her mind.

‘Hello?’ Woman’s voice, middle-aged.

‘Could I speak to Mr Dalbeattie, please?’

‘Sorry, he’s not here.’

Oh my God, he’s done a runner! Her pulse increased. ‘Can I try later?’

‘No, he won’t be back till Wednesday. I can take a message.’

Back from where? ‘I did try Monday,’ she blagged.

‘Sorry, I must have missed you,’ the woman said.

I, not we. ‘He was away then? Anywhere nice?’ Rachel gritted her teeth, wondering if such nosiness from a caller who hadn’t even identified herself would spook the woman.

‘The Algarve, two weeks’ golf. All right for some. Do you want to leave a message?’

‘Just doing a telephone survey on local transport, that’s all. Thanks for your time.’

Mission accomplished. But that left Rachel strangely deflated without anyone in her sights for the Lisa Finn killing or the rape of Rosie Vaughan.

Sammy usually rode his bicycle to school. Not possible now. Gill started work too early to be able to give him a lift.

He said it didn’t hurt so much, but she could imagine he’d be knocked and jostled in the course of the day and wondered if she should keep him home. She couldn’t take a day off now though, that’d be impossible.

‘We’ve got PE in the afternoon, I can’t do that,’ Sammy said. ‘So I could come home at lunch.’

‘Good idea. I’ll get your dad to take you and fetch you home. You’ll be all right till I get back after that. Order a takeaway if you get hungry.’

‘OK.’

Dave had already spoken to Sammy about his accident earlier that day and Gill had warned him then that he would need to help out, not knowing if Pendlebury had passed on that bit of the message. Now Gill rang again and explained what Sammy needed.

‘Maybe he should just take the day,’ Dave said.

‘His exams start in January,’ she said, ‘he can’t afford to miss anything.’

He sighed. ‘OK, what time’s lunch?’

‘They break at twelve twenty,’ she said. Couldn’t resist adding, ‘You do remember where the school is?’

He hung up on her. The phone rang again almost immediately.

‘Now what?’ she snapped.

‘Gill?’ Not Dave. Fuck.

‘Hello?’

‘It’s Matthew, Matthew Parkinson.’

‘Oh, hello. Sorry, thought it was someone else.’

‘How’s Sammy?’

‘He’s fine, really. Probably be fit for school tomorrow.’

‘Good. I… erm… got a quote from the garage for the car.’

‘That was quick!’

‘Called on my way home yesterday – bloke’s a marvel, workaholic.’

‘And…?’ Gill steeled herself.

‘Seven five nine,’ he said.

Ouch! ‘Fine.’

‘There’s no hurry.’

‘No, no. I’ll drop you a cheque in. If you’re there now…’ Gill did not want to put it off and forget it and then find herself even more embarrassed.

It was a twenty-minute walk along the dirt track to the farm and Matthew’s barn. The bad weather had left the lane churned up with black mud from the surrounding peat, scattered with pockets of water. Gill had her wellies on. She should get out more, walk more, she never seemed to have a moment to do so. Certainly not when she was heading a major inquiry. She could hear the whine of a power tool growing louder as she got closer to the dwellings. Sheep were grazing in one of the farm meadows and the farmer had left a bale of hay there for them.

The lane divided in two and she took the fork to the barn. Matthew’s car was parked outside the building. She felt nauseous when she saw the damage, the crumpled metal and shattered headlamp. It was a miracle that Sammy had survived with only a fractured wrist.

The outside of the barn looked finished, large windows and door, slate roof, the stone walls repointed. He must be raking it in. The door was ajar and the drone of the power tool came from inside. She waited for the sound to stop, then called out, ‘Hello?’

Matthew came out, looking dishevelled and dusty. Pulling a dust-mask from his nose. ‘Hi, come in. Come in.’

Gill looked down at her wellies.

‘Don’t worry, the floors are covered.’ There were dustsheets underfoot.

Inside, a wide central hall led through to doors at the back and a flagged patio overlooking the moor and the reservoir beyond. Either side of the hallway freshly plastered walls divided off the rooms.

‘It’s lovely,’ she said.

‘Will be,’ he said. ‘Let me give you the tour.’

He walked her through, discussing the choices he’d made for the heating system (wood burning stoves and back boilers), how he’d found a drystone waller to repair some of the boundary at the rear, and showed her the job he was currently occupied with: sanding reclaimed timber for surfaces in the kitchen. His enthusiasm reminded Gill of her own when she and Dave were planning their home. She took her wellies off to go up to one of the mezzanine rooms; the new wooden staircases glowed clean, the colour of honey. ‘This will be a twin room,’ he said. ‘I’ve a daughter, first year at uni, so she can visit – and friends, of course. The other side is bigger and the bathroom’s in between.’

He offered her tea: a microwave and a calor gas stove served as a makeshift kitchen.

‘No, I’m fine, thanks. I’d better be getting back, let you get on with your sanding,’ Gill said. ‘Here,’ she passed him the cheque.

‘Thanks for this,’ he said.

She nodded. He walked her to the door. She pulled her boots on. As she stepped out, he spoke in a rush, ‘I wondered if you’d like to go out for a meal sometime?’

Oh. My. God! Gill coughed. A date! He was asking her on a date! ‘I’m pretty busy at the moment…’ she began.

‘When it’s quieter?’

Is it ever? ‘Yes, yes, that’d be lovely, thank you.’

‘Good,’ he smiled.

Gill felt a fresh spring in her step and had a daft grin on her face as she went back up the lane, deliberately walking in all the puddles.