Death in the opening chapter

FIVE

The departure of the chief constable created less of a vacuum than he would have wished.

‘Phew!’ said Bognor.

‘What a ghastly little oik!’ said Sir Branwell.

‘You mustn’t say things like that,’ said Bognor. ‘It’s incredibly old-fashioned, snobbish and politically incorrect.’

‘True though.’ Sir Branwell smiled roguishly.

Bognor did not agree, nor disagree, merely looked pained.

Growing up, the word ‘oik’ had been a sort of universal pejorative such as ‘pseudo’, which stood for ‘pseudo-intellectual’, meaning, in a particularly philistine society, anyone who had read, much less enjoyed, a book. ‘Grey’ as in ‘grey man’ was another all-purpose term of abuse, which signified nothing more than a general dislike. Over the years, however, ‘oik’ had acquired social undertones which Bognor did not remember. ‘Oik’ was how posh people referred to those they regarded as their social inferiors. That, at least, had become the universal perception which meant that the word had slipped out of the lexicon. People like Sir Branwell still used it, however, at least in private. People like Sir Branwell assumed that Bognor did the same. This was not true and at times he resented it. At others it suited him.

‘I don’t think your vicar killed himself,’ he said.

‘I agree,’ said Branwell.

‘But your man Jones is keen to disagree because it’s tidier and more convenient. I don’t think we should let him.’

‘Seconded,’ said Branwell.

They paused to congratulate themselves on their commitment to fair play. This was an old-fashioned concept but one in which they both had some belief, along with decency and common sense. Greed and convenience had, on the whole and up to a point, taken their place and they both disliked these characteristics with a passion. In Sir Branwell’s case, this had a lot to do with finding them vulgar, common and, in a word ‘oikish’. His was a liberalism founded on class; Bognor’s on an innate sense of what was proper. At times these collided but they were not quite, nor always, the same. Bognor liked a lot of the noise but that didn’t mean that he believed it. Second-hand car salesmen came with braying accents and a lack of chin. Officers did not enjoy a monopoly of proper values. Far from it. Bognor was, in some respects, one of life’s corporals; Sir Branwell would have been a second-lieutenant on the Somme and driven a railway engine during the General Strike. He was in favour of corporal punishment and against the duvet.

In any case, his beliefs were far from strident. He did not like to shout or seem shrill. Nods, winks, handshakes and words unsaid were his way of doing things.

‘Trouble is,’ he said, ‘that his writ runs.’

‘Meaning?’

Bognor told him that the chief constable controlled the local police force and they were the authority charged with the investigation of suspicious death.

‘But I’m the Lord Lieutenant.’ And he told Bognor of a recurring dream in which the Dowager Duchess of somewhere or other caused wooden legs, containing game pie at one end and fudge at the other, to be dropped from a light aircraft for the benefit of those who worked on the estate. Sir Branwell thought this might be significant. Bognor, sceptical about dreams at the best of times and even when their symbolism was obvious, forbore to comment.

‘Any chance of a coffee?’ he asked instead.

By way of answer, Sir Branwell searched for a bell-push under the carpet and pressed it with one toe of an uncharacteristically monogrammed slipper from Dunhill. The slipper had been some sort of offer. Presently, Brandon came buttling in and was sent for coffee.

Bognor was very unclear about the position of Lord Lieutenant; only vaguely aware that it meant less than it once had. Also that the role of the chief constable was becoming more important in similar proportion. Thus, the one had diminished, was diminishing and seemed likely to be diminished still further, while the other was comparably enhanced.

‘Does a chief constable outrank a Lord Lieutenant?’ he asked ingenuously.

‘Certainly not,’ replied Sir Branwell. ‘At least not yet, and most definitely not in this neck of the woods. As long as I’m around, I’m in charge. On behalf of Her Gracious Majesty, God bless her.’

Bognor wasn’t so sure of this, much as he admired his old friend’s confidence.

‘We’ll have to be clever.’

‘Naturally.’ Sir Branwell never allowed his 4th class honours degree to interfere with his assurance on this account.

Bognor couldn’t help feeling that things had come to a pretty pass when a Lord Lieutenant and the Board of Trade’s head of special investigations had to resort to subterfuge in order to ensure rights that were supposed to have been established almost eight hundred years earlier. But then things had come to a pretty pass. He was aware of that.

‘Assuming our man was murdered, who would have done it? And who could have done it?’

The squire thought for a moment. ‘Opportunity is almost universal,’ he said, after a moment’s reflection. ‘Motive practically the reverse.’

‘Yes,’ said Bognor, wanting and needing more.

‘Well,’ said Sir Branwell, ‘the padre was in the habit of going to his church for a bit of solitary rehearsal, communion with his Lord and whatever took his fancy before preaching the following day. He was very much a creature of habit. Everyone knew that he was due to preach the opening festival sermon – which, incidentally, we had better cancel – and that therefore he would be alone in church the evening before. Solitary and vulnerable.’

‘No need to cancel,’ said Bognor unexpectedly and at an apparent tangent. ‘I’ll preach.’

‘You what?’ Sir Branwell had not been expecting this.

‘I said I’ll preach,’ said Bognor. ‘Could be a useful opportunity to pre-empt some thunderous chief costabular strike.’

‘But you’ve never preached before in your life.’

‘Always a first time,’ said Bognor, with a characteristic lack of modesty. ‘And I’ve always fancied it. Nice frock, captive audience, pulpit. Ask Monica. Being a bishop was always one of my several ambitions. I’d have made rather a good bishop. Pope, even.’

‘He captains one of the other teams,’ said Sir Branwell, who had taken to the pulpit on a number of occasions in his role as one of the county’s great and good. He too rather rated himself on the sermon front, though with better evidence than his contemporary. He had to concede, however, that Bognor had the better degree.

‘I’d have been a perfectly acceptable Mullah and a decent enough rabbi,’ said Bognor, not wholly facetiously. ‘I might not have been quite so hot on the Indian fakir front. Swami Simon doesn’t tremendously appeal, though I quite fancy the frock and the beard.’

‘Not to mention the sex.’

‘Much exaggerated, I’m told,’ he said. ‘Besides, I have a feeling Monica might have views on the matter, and if it came to a head-to-head between the Lord God Almighty and my wife, I know who I’m backing.’

‘So,’ said Sir Branwell, returning to his subject in a single leap, ‘when it comes to opportunity, the world is your oyster. When we’re dealing with motive, the oyster becomes shut like a trap. There aren’t any. Traps, that is. Nor much in the way of motive. As for opportunities…’ He seemed suddenly thoughtful.

‘Well,’ said Bognor, being constructive, ‘ cherchez la femme. In the absence of any other suspects that’s where one is always taught to start. La femme. Crime passionelle.’

‘I hardly think…’ began Sir Branwell. ‘But then… well… poor sausage.’ He recalled the messenger who had, as it were, brought the bad news from Ghent. ‘You mean Dorcas. Cherchez Dorcas. It doesn’t sound convincing. I’m not convinced. I doubt you’ll convince a jury. Or a judge. Not by starting with Dorcas.’

‘We have to begin with someone,’ said Bognor. ‘And if Dorcas is the only candidate, then we have to begin with Dorcas. Is there… was there anyone else?’

‘Of course not.’ Sir Branwell seemed incensed. ‘Sebastian was the most chaste man I ever knew. I assume he and Dorcas must once have enjoyed some sort of carnal relations. Otherwise they wouldn’t have had the two children. But if virgin birth was a human possibility, you’d have to put up Sebastian and Dorcas as prime candidates for virgin parenthood. Whatever else it may have been, you can’t imagine sex with those two being anything other than a sacred duty. A bit of a chore. Certainly not fun.’

He paused, possibly imagining sex in the other Fludd household, and briefly shuddered. He was basically rather keen on sex; the Sebastian-Fludds weren’t. End of story. The Sebastian-Fludds weren’t built for it either. Different chapter, same book. Shame that droit de seigneur had gone out with the ark. He was rather in favour, but there were certain things best left unsaid.

‘So, the Reverend Sebastian wasn’t the victim of a crime passionelle? At least not in a conventional sense.’ Bognor seemed thoughtful. He had seen enough of life, and more particularly of death, to rule out crimes of passion even in unlikely candidates. Perhaps, most of all, in unlikely candidates. Still waters could run exceedingly deep. Springs sprung in unexpected places. He was disinclined to rule out something to do with sex where the vicar was concerned.

‘How many festival performers were in town already?’ he asked, changing tack unexpectedly, though sex and the festival performer could not be ruled out at this stage either.

Sir Branwell thought.

‘Not many, as far as I know,’ he said. ‘The Brigadier and Mrs Brigadier. Vicenza Book.’

‘Not the Vicenza Book?’

‘Why? Do you know her?’

‘She’s famous,’ said Bognor, irritably. ‘Even I have heard of Vicenza Book. She’s probably the most famous soprano in world opera.’

‘I wouldn’t know,’ said Sir Branwell, who didn’t.

‘Monica will be incredibly overexcited,’ said Bognor. ‘ The Nightingale of Padella in Brodo. Italy’s Stoke on Trent. We heard her do an obscure Handel with the ENO.’

‘Yes. Well,’ said Branwell, ‘her father used to work behind the bar in the pub when it was still a recognizable pub. Her mother’s Italian. Hence Padella in whatsit. She was, as it were, passing. She and Bert didn’t last long and she took the girl back to Italy. Bert died. Drank himself to death. Sad story. Vicenza wrote out of the blue saying she’d like to come and sing at the festival, had such happy memories of Mallborne, blah, blah. Sebastian was all for it. All for her. So we signed her up. She should be here. She’s taken a house with her camp followers.’

‘And she’s already in town?’

‘Stretch limo sighted shortly before lunch yesterday. Not many of those in Mallborne. Tinted glass. White. Personalized number plate.’

‘Sounds authentic,’ Bognor conceded.

‘Anyone else?’

‘Martin Allgood.’

‘The novelist?’ Bognor had read an Allgood once and didn’t like it.

‘He’s this year’s writer-in-residence. Here for the duration. Does lots of readings, interviews, judging of things. We put him in Thatch Cottage on the estate and call it the Writer’s House for the week. Rather a good publicity stunt. Always attracts masses of publicity, and Allgood can be relied on to say something suitably foul and controversial. We had him once before, about ten years ago. Seemed surprisingly nice actually. Pretty girlfriend but I think she’s done a bunk. I read an interview with him a year or so ago which seemed to suggest he batted and bowled. AC/DC.’

‘Probably another publicity stunt.’ Bognor had a low opinion of Allgood based mainly on the one reading of the single book – something to do with expectations. Not great in Allgood’s case. He knew this to be unfair, but was convinced that the author was an untalented showman. He had a beard and was very short. Bognor had an aversion to small, hairy writers, which was based entirely on prejudice but was more or less unshakeable, probably for that very reason.

‘Was Sebastian the vicar during Allgood’s previous residency?’ asked Bognor, quick as the proverbial flash. He liked not to be seen missing tricks, especially when so clumsily flaunted.

‘As a matter of fact, Sebastian was newly arrived. They didn’t get on. Allgood criticized Sebby’s sermon, which was ill-advised. He was sensitive about his sermons, Sebastian.’

‘Don’t blame him,’ said Bognor. ‘What was the point of Allgood’s criticism?’

‘Oh, Allgood was going through a Dawkins’ atheist phase as usual and Sebastian was sympathetic to the creationist johnnies. Not hook-line-and-sinkered, but sympathetic. Sebastian had a fatal tendency to see all sides to an argument; Allgood only ever saw one.’

‘Seldom the same,’ smiled Bognor.

‘No one ever accused Martin of consistency,’ said Sir Branwell. ‘Not even Martin, and a lot of the time he is his own worst enemy. As he freely admits.’

‘Did he dislike the vicar enough to kill him?’

The squire thought for a moment. ‘At the time, maybe. But Allgood never harboured anything for very long. Least of all grudges. And these days he’s something of a creationist himself. If you believe what you read in the papers.’

‘No.’ Bognor grinned. ‘I don’t.’

He didn’t either.

Bognor reflected that he had included his old friends in Contractor’s brief. The office genius had duly obliged. But.

Neither Branwell nor Camilla had escaped Contractor’s forensic attentions. They couldn’t. What’s more, they would both have been mortified if they had been left out. There was nothing in the reports of his two old friends that caused Bognor to so much as raise an eyebrow. Nevertheless, he felt as if he we were reading an obituary by a professional who hadn’t known the deceased, or a eulogy by a friend of a friend at one of those impersonal memorial services. Too often, the preacher hadn’t known the centrally departed any more than the obituarist. It was just so with Harvey Contractor. The reports had professional finesse but lacked true knowledge. Bognor knew both rather better than the back of his hand. Which was why he eliminated them from his enquiries.