Deceiving Lies

3

Rachel

“YOU STILL DOING OKAY?” Kash asked, and kissed my neck softly.

“Yeah, your family is fun. I feel like I don’t need to say anything and they’ll just continue to provide all the entertainment.”

We were at a family dinner with a bunch of his aunts, uncles, and cousins—and though I’d been nervous to meet more of his family, there was no way to stay nervous around this bunch. There were a lot of them, they were loud, and they were a freaking riot. At any one moment at least two people were in an argument, there were cousins tackling or hitting one another, others giving one another a hard time about the game on TV, and even more laughing throughout the house. It felt like I was in a real version of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Except Kash’s family wasn’t Greek.

I have two cousins, and I’d only met them once when I was really young, so I didn’t know what it must have been like for Kash to grow up with this. Out of the nineteen cousins he has, there were only three older than him and they ranged down to the youngest at eight years old. Even through the yelling and fighting, it was apparent this family loved each other and would stick together through anything.

I’d never known any different, so having Candice and her brother, Eli, as my best friends and makeshift family had been all I’d needed growing up. But seeing this—seeing the way Kash interacted with five of his cousins closest in age . . . I found myself wishing I’d had this.

“They’re something else,” Kash said, laughing, interrupting my thoughts. “That’s for sure. I’m gonna get another beer, do you want one?”

“No, but I can get it for you,” I offered, but he put a hand on my shoulder to keep me in place. A wry smile crossed his face when I glared at him.

A few of his little second cousins were infatuated with my hair and putting small braids throughout it. There was no way Kash was going to let me get out of this easily.

“I have to go potty,” announced one of the little girls, sitting on my lap.

My eyes about bulged out of my head, and Kash burst out laughing as he turned toward the kitchen. “Uh, well then you should go to the bathroom.”

“Will you take me?” She started squirming, and I thought I was going to die.

A little kid is about to pee on me! I looked around wildly as the little girl kept doing the potty dance on my leg, and I tried to figure out what I would have to do if I took her to the bathroom. “Um, okay. Just . . . don’t go before we get in there.”

Just as I started to stand, Ava—the mom—came to my rescue. “Come on, sweetheart. Let’s go to the potty.” Looking up at me, she mouthed I’m so sorry, and turned to look around. “Rachel, I hate to do this to you—but can you hold Shea for me?”

I looked at the chubby infant in her arms, and my mouth popped open but nothing came out. I’d never held a baby before. But Ava had been sweet to me all afternoon, and right now she was saving me from bathroom duty, and I honestly didn’t know how I was supposed to say no to her. No, Ava, I will not hold your baby. Yeah, I could see that going over so well. I would forever be known as the girl that refused to help out.

“Sh-sure,” I spit out, and kind of just put my arms straight in front of me.

“She’s tired, just let her lay on your chest.”

I sat there frozen as Ava put Shea on my chest so her chubby cheeks were resting on my collarbone, and automatically put my arms around her to keep her there.

“Okay, I’ll be right back! Come on, sweetheart, let’s go!”

Blowing out a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding, I looked down at the baby in my arms and smiled when she kept fisting the collar of my shirt in her little hand. When she caught me looking at her, she lifted her head shakily and smacked her hand against my chin before dropping her head back onto my collarbone. The two girls that had been braiding my hair cooed over the baby for a minute before taking off after some appetizers that were brought into the house . . . and then it was just little Shea and me. I had just been thinking about how much easier this was than I’d thought it would be, when she grabbed a chunk of my hair and pulled as hard as possible.

“What is it with my hair today?” I whispered to her as I went through the painful process of getting every strand out of her little fist and making sure they stayed attached to my head.

She reached again, but I put my index finger out and she immediately wrapped her tiny fingers around it, her little eyes widening as she stared at it.

As soon as Ava was back in the living room, the potty-dance daughter started crying, and Ava turned them right back around and disappeared down the hall. But I didn’t mind, I was enjoying having little Shea with me. Her eyes were growing heavy as she continued to watch her fingers wrapped around mine, and by the time Ava was walking back toward us, she was out. Her little lips were slightly open, and my chest and neck were warm from the heat she was emanating.

“She’s asleep?”

“Yeah, just happened,” I whispered and was getting ready to sit up to hand her back off when I noticed the relieved look on Ava’s face. “I can keep holding her . . .”

“Oh my God, would you? I know as soon as she’s up I won’t be able to eat, I need to grab something now while she’s asleep.”

“Yeah, go for it.” Smiling at her softly, I leaned back into the couch and looked down at the tiny baby sleeping on me. It couldn’t be that hard. She was sleeping, and I was just sitting here anyway . . . right?

Looking up, my eyes locked on Kash’s expression, and everything in me locked up. His eyebrows were scrunched together and drawn down, like he was trying to figure out the answer to a difficult question, and he was pulling his lip ring into his mouth the way he did when he was mad. Though he was looking directly at me, his eyes were unfocused and I had to wave my free hand to get his attention.

His stormy eyes snapped back to life, and from across the room I watched as he raised one eyebrow and jerked his head up once in question.

I mouthed an are you okay? to him and felt my body relax when his smirk transformed his face back to the Kash I knew.

“Don’t you just look perfect with a baby.”

My head turned to look at Kash’s grandma who had just sat down on my left. She was a short woman that, from my limited interaction with her, looked like she lived to feed her family and give hugs. She was absolutely adorable. My eyes automatically dropped to the sleeping baby, and I gave her a small smile as I laughed awkwardly. “Um . . .” How do you respond to that?

“That was a compliment, dear. You look very comfortable like that, like you were made to hold a baby.”

“Oh, well thank you.” That so didn’t sound like a compliment. It felt like it should be followed up with Kash telling me I should be barefoot in the kitchen.

“So beautiful,” she murmured as she touched my engagement ring and looked happily back up at me. “Do you plan to give me more great-grandchildren soon? I’ll be here for only so long . . .” she trailed off and laughed heartily.

“I don’t know about that, we haven’t really talked about it. We’re still young,” I cut off quickly when I realized Ava was barely older than me and already had two kids. But for shit’s sake I had barely turned twenty-two a couple months ago. I was still getting used to taking care of Trip, I didn’t even want to think about having a baby.

“Of course you are, darling girl! You have all the time in the world. This is just an old woman greedy for more babies to spoil rotten. Though I’m sure with you and Logan being the only children in your families, both of your parents will be spoiling your children senseless.”

My stomach dropped and I kept the smile plastered to my face. “Yeah, probably,” I murmured.

A feeling dangerously close to what I’d experienced at the dress shop started unfurling in the pit of my stomach and slowly made its way up my chest to grip at my heart. My breaths were coming painfully, and I worked hard at staying in control of my outward emotions. The girls that had been braiding my hair earlier ran up to their great-grandma to ask when we were eating, and I’d never been more thankful for the distraction of little kids than I was in that instant.

When I was sure I had a handle on my emotions, I looked over at Kash again and immediately wished I hadn’t. He was staring in my direction—once again at nothing—and the beer bottle in his hand was halfway to his lips, frozen in air. What is with him today? When I failed at trying to get his attention, I stood up from the couch, making sure not to jostle Shea.

“Excuse me,” I mumbled to Kash’s grandma, and made my way outside where tables were set up and most of the women were.

“Hi, future daughter-in-law.” Marcy grinned at me and looked over at Ava. “I swear she is the best baby. Logan would never just sleep like this. He had to be in a car seat in order to fall asleep, and when he wasn’t sleeping, he was screaming.”

Ava launched into a play-by-play of Shea’s usual days, and I turned to look at one of Kash’s aunts, who touched my arm when I sat down.

“Marcy was telling us all of the wedding details! Are you so excited?”

Smiling widely, I readjusted Shea on my chest and nodded. “I really am, the next two and a half months need to hurry up. I’m ready.”

“It sounds like it’s going to be beautiful, we’re all so happy for Logan.” Leaning closer, she placed a hand on my knee and spoke softly. “She also told us about your parents, I’m so sorry to hear that.”

This was not happening. Could I not get a break from this pain lately? I’d started healing before I moved here, and I felt like everything that had happened in the last few weeks had sent me spiraling back to the very beginning.

“Me too.” I offered her a weaker smile and faced straight ahead.

“Do you plan to just walk down the aisle alone then?”

God. Breathe, Rachel. Keep breathing. The sickening pain threatened to choke me, and I struggled to maintain my unaffected facade. She wasn’t being hateful, none of these people were, but it felt like they were cutting into me worse than Blake had done with physical blades.

“No, I uh—I have someone to walk me,” I answered and cleared my throat.

“Oh good, that just about broke my heart when Marcy told us. You’re a strong girl,” she assured and patted my knee a few times.

“Thank you.” I sat there silently as the table full of women continued their earlier conversations, and I soon excused myself for the second time in just a handful of minutes.

I held Shea’s warm body in my arms and wandered around the backyard, pretending to be interested in the flower beds that lined the walls. But my thoughts were anywhere but on the exotic-looking flowers.

For the first time in close to a year, I felt trapped. As sweet as they were, I wanted to get away from the people here. As much as I wanted to marry Kash, I wanted to get away from all the wedding planning. As happy as I was being here, I wanted to get away from Florida.

I just wanted to run. I wanted to go back in time five years and enjoy the last few months with my parents all over again. I wouldn’t have taken a second with them for granted. Hell, I wouldn’t have let them go on that stupid trip in the first place. My throat burned, and I looked down at Shea when she lazily dragged her head so her other cheek was lying on me.

My parents hadn’t been there for my high school graduation—and being in my catatonic state, I had felt like I wasn’t present for it either. But everything happening now? Everything that was to come? They wouldn’t be there, and I needed them.

I’d needed my mom there with me when I bought my dress. I needed my dad there to walk me down the aisle and give me away to Kash. And I needed them there for whenever we had kids. They were supposed to be there through all of it, and they couldn’t. How was I supposed to get through everything without them?

Shea’s little hand fisted around the collar of my shirt again and I swallowed the imaginary lump in my throat when realization set in. I wasn’t sure I could get through everything without them.

Kash

“ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME what was going on with you tonight?”

I glanced up from looking at her stomach just before she caught me staring and shrugged. “What do you mean?”

Setting down her purse and kicking off her shoes, she practically fell onto the couch. “I don’t know, you’ve been really quiet for the last few hours. You didn’t say anything to me on the drive home. I’d ask if I did something wrong, but you don’t look pissed off anymore, you’re just quiet. It’s not like you.”

“How many kids do you want, Rach?”

Her head jerked back as her eyes widened. “Um, I don’t know.”

“One, two, three . . . ?”

“Kash, I don’t know. Why does it matter right now?”

Sitting down next to her, I pulled her into my arms and laid back. “I just want to know.”

She stayed silent as she thought for a minute. “Uh, well I didn’t really like being an only child. I mean, I always had Candice and Eli, but they weren’t really my family and I wish now that I’d had someone else. Did you like being alone?” I shook my head negatively, and she nodded as her eyes got that faraway look. “I don’t want a huge family or anything, I guess two.”

If I would get to see Rachel holding infants like she had been this afternoon, I’d want to have a damn football team with her. My hands left her shoulders and slowly moved past her waist and my thumbs trailed over her flat stomach. I wanted the visual I’d had in my head all day so fucking bad.

Her mouth found mine and I whispered against her lips, “I want to have children with you.”

“We will, someday.”

“Now.”

Rachel’s body went rigid before she sat back to look down at me. “Slow down there, cowboy. Why don’t we get married and enjoy a year first. What brought this on?”

My eyes automatically drifted back to her flat stomach the same time my hands did. “I was watching you with my little cousins all day, and I want that with you. I don’t want to wait years. We’re getting married in two and a half months, you wouldn’t even be showing.”

She burst out laughing and fell back. “Oh my God, Kash, no. Just . . . no. We’re not having a baby right now, and we’re definitely not getting pregnant before we get married! We can start thinking about it in a couple years.”

“Why? What’s the difference of now and in a year or two?”

“There’s a huge difference! That’s a lot of time of just us that I want. This is the most backward argument we’ve ever had. Shouldn’t I be arguing your side and you arguing mine?”

“We’re not arguing, we’re discussing, Sour Patch.”

“Okay, well discussion over,” she huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. “No mini-mes running around.”

Switching our positions from earlier, I curled my body over hers and pressed my lips to her throat. “I want a family with you, Rachel, and I don’t want to wait for that. I had to watch you for hours playing with my little cousins and holding Ava’s baby. All day all I’ve been able to think about, or see, is that image and wanting it to be ours. Wanting to see your stomach growing with our child. I want to start our family.”

“Kash,” she whispered and pulled my head up to press her lips to mine. “That was a really good effort, but no.”

I growled and mumbled, “I’m going to hide your birth control.”

Rachel sucked in a large amount of air, and I knew she was about to let me have it, but I’d just realized I knew where her birth control was.

She must have seen the recognition flash in my eyes, because hers widened and she gasped, “Oh no, sir!”

I jumped off the couch, but she grabbed me before I could land, and we both hit the ground with Rachel now caging me to the floor. Not that I couldn’t get out, but I fucking loved the position we were in.

“Logan Kash Ryan . . . I swear to God if you hide my pills, I will go to my doctor and get one of those birth control things put in tomorrow. You know those ones last five years unless you get them taken out? Actually five years until kids sounds pretty good right about now.”

My hands had been traveling up her waist, underneath her shirt; but when I realized what she was saying, I froze. “You wouldn’t.”

“I would and I will,” she gritted out.

“Fine.” I shrugged and ran my hands back down her flat stomach. Flashes of me running my hands over Rachel’s stomach, round with our child, hit me hard. Just like they had been all day.

I’d thought about having kids . . . eventually. But now? It was all I could think about. Something about seeing Rachel holding Shea had made it all click today, and I wanted it so bad, it felt like it was all I’d be able to think about until I saw it through. And, Jesus Christ, I wanted to see it through.

“It’s like you said”—I whispered, and my hands went to the button on her shorts—“they aren’t one hundred percent effective anyway.”

Her face fell. “You’re using condoms again. Starting now.”

“The fuck I am!”

“Kash.” She sighed and sat up, but her body curved in on itself as I watched hidden exhaustion set over her features. “I don’t want to even think about this right now. Okay? We can figure something out in a few years, but for now just . . . stop. Don’t push the issue of having kids on me.”

Whoa, what? “The issue of having kids? I thought you wanted kids.”

“I don’t know, Kash . . . I just—I can’t talk about this right now.”

“Rach—”

She pushed off me and had gone two feet before she turned and pointed a finger at me. “If you want kids so damn bad, figure out how to have them yourself!”

What the hell? When did she go from wanting kids eventually to not wanting to talk about it at all?

“Rachel,” I called after her when she turned to leave again. “Come here and just talk to me.”

She kept going. Slipping into her sandals, she grabbed her purse and headed toward the front door. I scrambled up and ran over to her, grabbing her arm just as she’d reached out for the doorknob.

“Are you kidding me? What the hell is going on? Why are you throwing shields at me, and how did that conversation just turn into you being upset and leaving?”

She kept her head down and refused to look at me. “I just want to go for a drive. Let me go.”

If I let her go now, we would go back ten steps . . . and I wasn’t willing to go back to how we’d been. Rachel keeping things from me. Shielding me from her emotions. Pushing everyone—including me—away. Hell no. Never again. “No. First off, you don’t leave when you’re upset or if we’re in the middle of a fight. You talk to me. Second, I told you a long time ago we were done with your shields, and we’re not about to start up with them again. So sit down and tell me what’s going on with you all of a sudden.”

“Kash, just let me go clear my—”

She hadn’t acted like this, or shielded me, for almost a year. To be honest, it was freaking me the fuck out that she was starting it again. Knowing she would keep this up until I dropped it or she eventually left, I did the only thing I knew in order to get her to listen. “I said sit the fuck down, Rachel!”

I hated yelling at her, but there was something about me taking control of the situation, and being an asshole, that always got Rachel to break down her walls and start talking. Not waiting for her to move, I grabbed her purse and dropped it on the floor, bent so my shoulder was against her stomach, and stood back up with her hanging over me.

“Why are you such an ass?” she grunted when I turned back toward the living room. “All I want is to be alone right now!”

“Ah, my little Sour Patch. We’re going to have to work on that if you want to get married. Because after we are, you can’t just walk out on a fight.”

“I didn’t know we were fighting,” she grumbled.

“We weren’t until you started PMS-ing on me.”

“I am not PMS-ing! Put me down!”

“Gladly.” I let her slide down and pushed her so she was lying down on the couch and crawled on top of her, caging her in. “Talk.”

Her blue eyes were on fire as they narrowed at me, and I watched as her jaw locked while she took deep breaths in through her nose. My girl was about to explode, and as much as I loved her when she was pissed off, I needed to know what had just happened.

“Drop the attitude, Sour Patch, and talk to me.”

“I don’t want to talk to you. I want a couple hours to myself, we can talk after.”

“Too bad. You have me with you right now, and I’m not going anywhere. Why do you suddenly not want to have kids? I understand wanting to wait until after we are married, but you kept making it longer and longer until you tell me you don’t know if you want kids. When did this change?”

“I don’t know, okay? I. Don’t. Know. You see me with little kids and your mind instantly goes to us having kids. You know where mine went? Exactly where it’s been going the last couple months. The fact that I won’t have my mom there with me when I go through pregnancies, and having babies, and taking care of toddlers, and dealing with teenagers with bad attitudes! I don’t have her here to plan our wedding, she wasn’t there when I bought my dress, she won’t be there for anything, Kash, do you understand that?” Her temper flared out quickly and tears filled her eyes. “I’ve already been having a hard time with that, but today as I sat there and listened to Ava ask your aunts and mom dozens of questions, I realized I’m terrified of not having my mom there to call and ask questions when we have kids. What if I do it all wrong?”

“Babe,” I crooned and moved my hands to brush my thumbs across her cheeks. “You’re going to be a great mom whenever we have kids, you won’t do it wrong, and you’ll have my mom there if you have questions.”

“I know, and I’ll have Janet. But it won’t be the same.” Her eyes fluttered shut when a few tears dropped down her face and into her hair. “They were supposed to be here for everything.”

“I’m so sorry, Rachel.” Squeezing myself between her and the back of the couch, I turned her and pulled her against my chest. I hadn’t known what to expect just then, but I had no idea she’d been struggling with not having her parents here for all of this, and felt like a jackass for not knowing. I should have known. “I’m sorry they aren’t here, but you have a lot of people who love you and are here for you. They won’t make up for your parents, I know that, and so do they. But they’re here for you, and I’m always here for you.”

She nodded against my chest and took a shuddering breath in.

“And you never leave when you’re upset. Okay? We always talk things out.”

“ ’Kay.”

Kissing the top of her head, I pulled her up until I could see her face. “I’ll lay off the baby talk, and I’m sorry for pushing that on you. I got carried away with seeing you like that today. But from now on, will you talk to me about what’s going on so we don’t have to go through this again? I should have known this would be a hard time for you, and I’m sorry I didn’t. Next time, though, please tell me. I can’t help you if I don’t know, and if we can avoid what just happened, I’d prefer that.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I just let it all get to me and I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t excited about getting married, because I am. It’s hard without them, but I am happy, I swear.”

“I know you are, Rachel. I never questioned that.”

She nodded and blinked slowly a few times before resting her head next to mine.

Rachel was so strong willed and always exuding her fiery attitude, which I loved, that I’d stopped looking for signs of anything being wrong. I swore to myself right then that I would never forget just how fragile she could be, and to never miss another sign from her. She was strong, but I needed to be stronger for us.

“Come on, sweetheart, let’s go to bed. We can talk more about this tomorrow.”