Deception

Chapter Fourteen RACHEL

We make camp on the eastern edge of a small clearing. The rain stopped hours ago, but my cloak has yet to dry. Once we’ve erected our shelters and eaten a cold dinner—Logan refused to allow torches or cooking fires in case Carrington is following us already—I hang my cloak over the thick tree limb that props open the jagged canvas flap of the tent I share with Logan and crawl into my bedroll.

I expect to lie awake, listening for threats. Thinking about the Commander. Trying to figure out how to make a plan to separate him from Carrington’s army so that I can honor Logan’s wishes if possible.

But instead, the soft carpet of moss beneath my blanket cushions my body, and the sight of Logan hunched over his tech bag, muttering to himself while he tries to work by starlight, makes me feel safe. Before I know it, my eyelids drift closed, and I sink into the dark embrace of sleep.

Blood surrounds me. It stains the sky with viscous swirls of crimson and snakes down tree trunks to drip from leaves. Thick garnet drops cling to me. I raise my hands above my head to ward it off, but it flows over me in a river of rust. Sticky trails of heat bite into my skin and burrow toward the bone. Tilting my face up, I stare in horror. The blood has drained from the sky and abandoned the trees. Instead, it leaks from my fingertips and gushes from my palms, an unending tide that covers me from head to toe.

“Guilty,” it whispers, and Melkin lies beneath my blade, calling for his wife.

“Alone,” it says, and Dad turns to dust beneath the shining white cross on his grave.

“Broken,” it cries, and Oliver’s cold hands grasp mine while the bloody wound in his neck pours and pours and pours.

Their voices waver, solidify, and then join together into one deafening stream of accusations. Guilty, alone, broken. Guilty, alone, broken.

Worms, pale and wriggling, pour from Dad’s mouth, leak out of Melkin’s eyes, and squirm in the gaping wound at Oliver’s neck.

I scream and the crimson crawling over me slides past my lips and coats my tongue with bitterness. I gasp for air, but the blood is there instead. Tearing at my throat and plunging down to fill my chest, my stomach, and my lungs. I can’t breathe.

I can’t breathe.

“Shh,” someone says.

Another scream gathers at the back of my throat and claws its way through the blood filling my mouth.

“It’s all right,” someone says.

I stretch my lips wide, seeking air that refuses to come. Something warm and heavy presses against my cheek. Jerking my head to the side, I snatch a quick breath of blood-tainted air.

“Rachel. Wake up.”

My eyes fly open. A shadow looms over me, blotting out the faint light from the tent’s doorway. The shadow’s hand rests against my cheek, pressing close.

I whip my knife up and aim for the throat. The shadow twists, water-quick. Grabbing my wrist with its free hand, it slams my arm to the ground with enough force to knock my weapon loose.

I dig my heels in and wrench my body to the side. The shadow pins me and leans down.

“Shh, it’s Logan,” he says quietly against my ear.

It takes a moment for his words to penetrate the panic. My heart pounds against my chest, and my lungs are convinced I don’t have enough air. Not nearly enough air.

“Rachel?”

Slowly, the scent of blood fades, and I exhale, forcing my muscles to relax beneath him.

He releases his grip on my wrist and slowly slides his hand over mine, tangling our fingers together. I press my palm to his, desperate to imprint his skin where seconds ago the slick heat of blood had poured.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

My body shakes, my teeth chattering like I’ve been left out in the cold for hours, but I say, “I’m fine.”

It’s a lie, and we both know it, but I can’t bear to remember. I can’t bear to strip myself down to nothing but the blood that haunts my dreams. If I let it into my waking hours, I might drown in it.

“You’re shaking,” he says, but what he means is, “You’re lying.”

“I’m cold.”

He pulls me close, fits me against his side like a puzzle piece that was always meant to be there, and warmth seeps onto my skin.

“Rachel, please talk to me,” he whispers, but the voices in my head are louder.

Guilty. Alone. Broken.

A chorus that sounds like the only truth I have left. I push it away from me with desperate strength. I refuse to feel it. I refuse. It sinks into the silence, but I still feel covered in blood and shame. Logan leans closer, his dark blue eyes filled with worry, and opens his mouth as if to ask me another question. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to sift through the nightmare and find the reasons behind it. I just want it all to go away.

“What happened—”

I raise my head to kiss him, swallowing the rest of his words.

My lips are harsh. My hands grip his arms. Claw his shoulders. Pull him closer until I can’t taste the blood. I can’t suffocate from it. I can’t hear Oliver, Dad, or Melkin whispering in my head.

This is what I need. This will make it better.

I wrap my leg around his, and he makes a tortured noise at the back of his throat. I kiss him hard enough to hurt—a tiny bite of pain against my lips that feels real.

“Rachel—”

He pulls away, and I follow him. Clinging. Desperate to bring him back.

“Wait,” he says, his voice breathless. “Just wait a minute.”

“Why?” I curl my fingers around the back of his neck and tug him toward me. “We’re alone in our shelter. We can do whatever we want. There’s no one here to stop us.”

He closes his eyes for a moment, and then looks at me. I can’t read his expression. “I’m stopping us.”

I let go of the back of his neck and my hand falls to my side.

“It’s not because I don’t want . . . um . . .” He gives me a look that is apparently supposed to suffice for the rest of his sentence.

“Me?”

“Yes. I want you, Rachel.” He lies back and wipes a hand over his face. “I really do. But I don’t think this is about wanting something between the two of us. At least, not for you.”

My teeth start chattering again. “Fine.”

“No, it isn’t fine. It is anything but fine.”

I pull my blanket over my shoulders and wrap my arms around my chest. “Just forget it.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Well, I do.”

He’s silent for a long moment. Long enough for me to realize my words might have hurt him. Long enough to feel regret.

“I’m sorry,” I say, though I don’t know how to put into words everything I’m sorry for.

He rolls onto his side, facing me. “When you kiss me, I want it to be because you’re thinking of me. Because you really want me. Not because you’re trying to distract me from something you don’t want to talk about.”

I look away. At the silver wash of moonlight seeping in through the entrance of our tent. At the tufts of springy grass our bedrolls don’t cover. At anything but him.

“I didn’t mean to use you. I didn’t really think it through.” I scrunch down into my blanket. “I just . . . I can’t . . . I wanted something real. Something to make the stuff inside of my head fade away. And what we have is the most solid thing in my life, so . . .”

“I understand,” he says softly.

“Do you?”

“I am kind of irresistible.” He wiggles his brows at me.

I laugh, and the lingering tension leaves my body. He grins at me, a funny, lopsided smile that wraps around me like comfort. He scoots closer to me and runs his fingers through my hair, gently tugging at the knots he finds.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I just want to be here for you.”

“I’m here for you, too,” I say. “I’m not the only one who lost family.”

Pain brackets his mouth and fans out from his eyes, and I slide my arm out of the blanket to press it against his chest. My fingers curve over the flesh and bone that shelter his heart. A heart strong enough to keep moving forward even when he’s lost so much. Strong enough to lead even when he doesn’t want to.

Strong enough to commit to me when I know I’m not an easy person to love.

“You could kiss me now,” he says, his voice low.

I smile. “Could I?”

“Yes.” He sounds breathless.

“Are you sure? Because I wouldn’t want to overstep or—”

“Rachel—”

“—make you uncomfortable, or—”

“Just kiss me.”

“—take advantage of poor helpless Logan.”

He leans down and covers my mouth with his. This time, I kiss him not to forget or to drown anything out, but because he’s Logan, and he’s mine. And then he holds me close as sleep overtakes him. I lie beside him, clinging to his warmth and desperately trying to stay awake as long as possible so that I can savor this before I’m once again plunged into a world of blood, loss, and unbearable guilt.