Destiny Doll

TWENTY-EIGHT

It was insane, of course, Paint was nothing but a hobby. He’d still be in the gulley, flat upon his back, if it hadn’t been for me. How long did I have to keep flying to his rescue? He’d said he wanted to go to Earth and what did he know of Earth? He had never been there. He had even had to ask me what I meant by Earth. He hadn’t wanted to go until I’d told him what it was. And yet I could not shake the memory of him going so slowly down the trail so he’d still be in hearing distance if I should call him back. And I remembered, too, how he’d carried me so bravely in the battle with the centaur. Although, come to think of it, neither he nor I could claim any credit there. The credit all was Sara’s.

“I wish,” said Roscoe, striding along beside me, “that I could understand, in fullness, the concept of multiple-realities. I am certain I have it all in mind, if I could only see it. It’s like a puzzle with a million pieces and all you have to do is put the pieces all together and there it is, so simple that you wonder why you didn’t see it all to start with.”

It would have been better, I thought, if he went back to mumbling. It would be less disturbing that way. I wouldn’t have to listen to his mumbling because I’d know it made no sense. But I had to keep on listening to his chattering because there might be something in whatever he was saying.

“It is a new ability,” ‘said Roscoe, “and it is most confusing. Environmental-sensing, I suppose, would be the proper term for it. No matter where you go you sense, and know, the environmental factors.”

I didn’t pay too much attention to him, for I had a lot of thinking to be done. I wasn’t even sure we should be heading out again. The logical thing to have done would have been to close the hatch and take off and be shut of the planet. Although if I had wanted to cash in later we should have picked up a pocketful of the seeds so they could be tested to see if they really carried knowledge. We could have left, I told myself, with clear consciences. All accounts were settled. The purpose of the voyage had been accomplished and everyone had gotten what they wanted.

Half a dozen times I was ready to turn back, but each time kept on going. It was as if someone had a broad hand against my back and was shoving me along.

When we had left the city there had been no sign of the monstrous beasts which had chased us into it. I had half expected they might be waiting for us and I almost wished they had been. With the laser rifle they would have been no sweat. But they weren’t there and we went on, past the great red building dreaming in the sunlight, past the mighty tree trunk prone upon the ground for miles and the noisome pit centering on the jagged stump.

The way seemed shorter than it had on the first trip out. We drove ourselves, as if there were some great urgency. And at night around the campfire Roscoe smoothed out a patch of ground and worked on endless equations, mumbling at his work, half to me, half to himself.

Night after night, as he wrote and mumbled, I sat with him in the flare of the campfire light and tried to figure out why we were here and not many millions of miles in space, heading back toward the galaxy. And it came clearly to me that it was not Paint alone, although Paint was a part of it. It was more than Paint; it was Sara who was dragging me back across the empty miles. I saw her face in the firelight, across the blaze from me, with the lock of hair forever falling in her eyes, with the streak of travel smudge smeared across one cheek, with her eyes looking at me steadily.

At times I pulled the doll from the jacket pocket and sat staring at its face-at that terrible, tortured face-perhaps to cancel out that other face across the fire from me, perhaps in the irrational hope that those wooden lips would part and speak, giving me an answer. For, again irrationally, the doll was a part of it as well, a part of all that was happening as many great imponderables seemed to be closing upon collision courses.

At last, after many days, we climbed a ridge and saw before us the beginning of that last badlands area-where the hobbies had deserted us and we’d found the pile of bones and Paint.

The trail led down the rise and across a flat and climbed, twisting, up into the badlands.

Far up the trail, just this side of the point where it plunged to disappear into the badlands, something was moving, a tiny point of light flashing in the sun. I watched it, puzzled for a moment, and then it moved into a position on the trail where it was outlined against the darker ground behind it. And there was no mistaking it-the rocking, bobbing lope.

Roscoe spoke quietly beside me. “It is Paint,” he said.

“But Paint wouldn’t come back without. . .”

And then I was running down the slope, waving my arms and shouting, with Roscoe close upon my heels.

From far off she saw us and waved back at us, a little gesturing doll upon the loping Paint.

Paint was coming like the wind. He fairly skimmed the ground. We met out on the flat, Paint skidding to a stop. Before I could reach her, Sara slid off Paint. She was raging at me. It was like old times.

“You did it again!” she yelled at me. “I couldn’t stay. You loused it up for me. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t forget what you and Hoot had told me. You knew it would be like that. You had it figured out. You were so sure of it you left Paint to bring me back.”

“Sara,” I protested, “for the love of God, be reasonable.”

“No,” she cried, “you listen. You spoiled everything for me. You took away the magic and you. . .”

She stopped talking in mid-sentence and her face was twisted up as if she were trying not to weep.

“No, that’s not it,” she said. “It wasn’t only you. It was all of us... With our petty bickering and. . .”

I took two quick steps and had her in my arms. She clung to me. Hating me, perhaps, but clinging to me because I was the one last thing that she had to cling to.

“Mike,” she said, her voice muffled against my chest, “we aren’t going to snake it, it is simply no use. They won’t let us make it.”

“But that’s all wrong,” I told her. “The ship is clear. Roscoe found the way. We’re going back to Earth.”

“If generous, hopeful human will only take a look,” said Paint, “he’ll perceive what she be talking of. They follow all the way. They dog our hurrying footprints. They get more all the time.”

I jerked up my head and there they were, crowding together along the rugged skyline of the badlands-a mighty herd of the massive beasts that bad left their bones in a wind-row in the gully.

They crept forward, pushing and shoving, and some of them were forced down the distant slopes to make way for those who crowded in behind them. There were hundreds of them, more likely thousands of them. They didn’t seem to move; they flowed, spilling off the slopes, spreading out on either flank.

“They’re behind us, too,” said Roscoe, speaking far too quietly, making too much of an effort to stifle rising panic.

I twisted my head around and there, on the crest of the ridge we had just crossed, they were surging into view.

“You found the doll,” said Sara.

“What doll?” I asked. At a time like this, of all crazy things...

“Tuck’s doll,” she said. She reached out and tugged it from the pocket. “Do you know, all the time Tuck had it, I never really saw it.”

I pushed her away from me and lifted the laser rifle. Roscoe grabbed my arm.

“There are too many of them,” he said.

I pulled my arm savagely away from him. “What do you want me to do?” I shouted at him. “Stand here and let them run us down?”

There were more of them than ever and in any direction one might look. We were surrounded by them. They came surging up on every side. There was just one big herd of them and we were in the center of it and they all were facing us. They were taking it easy. They were not in any hurry. They had us pegged and they could take us any time they wanted.

Roscoe dropped to his knees and smoothed out a patch of ground with an outstretched palm.

“What the hell!” I yelled.

Surrounded by man-eating monsters and there was Sara, standing transfixed, staring at a doll, and here that bumbling, mumbling idiot down upon his knees, fiddling with equations.

“The world at times makes little sense,” said Paint, “but with you and I on guard...”

“You keep out of this!” I yelled at him. I had enough to keep an eye on without having to bandy words with a stupid hobby.

I couldn’t get them all, of course, but I’d get the most of them. I’d burn them by the thousands into smoking crisps of flesh and I might discourage them. They were brave and confident; they’d never faced a laser gun. They’d go up in puffs of smoke; they’d flare and not be there. Whenever they might take a mind to charge they would pay for it.

But I knew there were too many of them. They were all around us and when they began to move, they’d move on every side.

“Captain Ross,” said Roscoe, “I think I finally have it.”

“Well, good for you,” I said.

Sara moved over close beside me. Her rifle was slung across one shoulder and she had that silly doll clutched against her breast, the way Tuck always carried it.

“Sara,” I said, saying what I hadn’t meant to say, hadn’t planned to say, had scarcely known I wanted to say, my breath catching in my throat like any awkward schoolboy. “Sara, if we get out of this, can you and I start over? Can we start as if I were just coming through that door back on Earth and you waiting in the hall? You were wearing a green dress...”

“And you fell in love with me,” said Sara, “and then you insulted me and mocked me and I lashed back at you and the entire thing went haywire...”

“We fight so well together,” I said, “it would be a shame if anything should stop it.”

“You’re a bully,” Sara told me, “and I hated you. There were times I hated you so hard I could have beat your head in. But thinking back, I guess I loved every minute of it.”

“When they come at us,” I said, “crouch down out of the line of fire. I’ll be shooting in all directions as fast as I...”

“There is another way,” said Sara. “Tuck used it. The doll. An old race made the doll. A race that understood...”

“It’s all hogwash!” I yelled. “Tuck was nothing but a freak...”

“Tuck understood,” she yelled back at me. “He knew how to use the doll. George knew some of it, even with no doll. Hoot would have understood.”

Hoot, I thought. Barrel-shaped, pattering, many-legged little scurrier, with a face full of tentacles and three lives to live, now gone forever into his third phase, a part of me and that part gone and if he were here he’d know...

Even as I thought it, he was there, welling up inside my brain, as I had known him in that instant when hands and tentacles had clasped and held and we had been as one. It all was there again-all that I had known and felt, all that I had tried to recapture since and could not find again. All the glory and the wonder and some terror, too, for in understanding there must be certain terror. And out of the welter of all the wonder and the knowing, certain facts separated themselves from the mass of it and stood out crystal clear. And, I stood there, half myself, half Hoot-and not only Hoot, but all the rest of them there with me, and they there only because of what Hoot had given me, the ability to reach out and grasp and merge with the minds of others, as if for an instant it were not many minds, but a single mind. And myself as well, the forgotten edges of myself, the unplumbed depths of self.

Sara’s intuition, the symbolism of the doll coming clear, the philosophic gropings of a hobby flat on his back for centuries, the meaning of the equations Roscoe had been scratching on the ground. And that moment of myself when, half dead, half alive, I’ had seen the strata in the badlands earthen cliff and bad sensed the chronology of them, glimpsing the time and the happenings of this planet that lay exposed within the strata.

Now, quite suddenly, there was a different strata. I saw it as clearly as I had seen the other strata-not myself alone, of course, but myself plus Hoot, plus all the rest of them there with me. There were many universes and many sentient levels and at certain time-space intervals they became apparent and each of them was real, as real as the many geologic levels that a geologist could count. Except that this was not a matter of counting; it was seeing and sensing and knowing they were there.

The old ones of this planet had known before they had been swept away by the orchardists, had known or sensed imperfectly and had carved upon the face of the doll the wonder and the shock and some of the terror of the knowing. George Smith had known, perhaps far better than any of the rest and Tuck, in his dream-haunted mentality, had struck very close to truth before he’d ever found the doll. Roscoe had been beaten into knowing, without recognizing what he knew, by the mallets of the centaurs.

And now, within my brain, it all came together.

The ring of monstrous beasts were charging in upon us in a thunderous rush, their pounding hoofs throwing up a blinding cloud of dust. But they mattered no longer, for they were of another world, of another time and place, and all we had to do was to take one tiny step-not so much to be away from them as to attain a better place, to find a better world.

Not knowing how, but filled with mystic faith, we all took the step out into the infinite unknowing and were there.

It was a place that had a feel of tapestry about it, a feel of unreality and yet a very friendly unreality. It seemed as if it should be a place of silence and of peace, of immobility, that the people who inhabited it were folks who never spoke and that the boat upon the water would never move upon the water-that the village and the river, the trees, the sky, the clouds, the people and the little dogs all were elements of a set piece, woven centuries ago and untouched by time, the colored threads put in place and kept In place for all eternity, frozen and at rest. The sky had a yellowishness about it that was reflected by the water and the humble homes were all brown and brickish-red, the green of the trees not the kind of green one ordinarily would expect, but the very composition one would expect of a hanging on a wall. And yet one could sense in it all a human warmness and an easy welcome and one had the feeling that if he walked down into it he could never leave, but would be bound into its very fabric, blending into the tapestry of it, and such a possibility was good to think upon.

We stood on a rise of ground above the village and the river and all of us were there-all of us except the doll. Sara no longer held the doll. The doll had been left behind, perhaps for someone else to find. The doll and the weapons. Sara no longer had the rifle, nor I the laser gun. There were rules, I thought. There were certain things, certain attitudes of mind perhaps, that could not be brought into this land.

“Mike,” said Sara, softly, “this was the place we hunted. This is the place that Knight was hunting. But he never found it because he never found the doll. Or there was something else he missed. There must be many things that could have led him here.”

I put out an arm and held her close against me and she lifted up her face and I kissed her and her eyes were bright with gladness.

“We won’t go back,” she said. “We’ll never think of Earth.”

“We can’t go back,” I said. “There is no way to go.”

Although there never would be a need of going. We had left it all behind, all we had ever known before, as a child will leave behind a toy he has outgrown.

The village and the river lay below us and fields and woods stretched away to the far horizons. And I knew, somehow, that this was a world without an end and that it was, as well, the end of time, a place that was everlasting and unchanging, with room for everyone.

Somewhere in this land were Smith and Tuck and maybe even Hoot, but we’d probably never find them for we’d not seek for them. The distances were far and there’d be no urge to travel.

The unreality was gone, although the tapestry still remained. And the boat did move upon the water with a flashing of the oars. Boys and girls and dogs, yelling and barking, were running up the hill to greet us and the people in the village all had turned around to stare up at us and some of them were waving.

“Let us go down to meet them,” Sara said.

The four of us, abreast, went down the hill to enter into another life.