Dexter's Final Cut

TWENTY-TWO

Have you ever noticed that every now and then it begins to feel like the entire world is a conspiracy designed to make you look like a total idiot? And if you are a reasonable being with even a nodding acquaintance with logic, you tell yourself this is mere paranoia; you talk yourself out of it and soldier on. But then something happens to make you think it’s not such a far-fetched idea after all.

This was clearly one of those moments. In front of me Debs was smirking. Cody and Astor, moving around me to see into the room, glanced up and smirked, too. And when I turned around to look at Jackie, there on her face was the unkindest smirk of all.

“What, um,” I said, and I was quite proud that I did not actually stutter, “what is going on here?”

“Dexter, you get to work on a movie,” Astor said, with a certain amount of venom, though not as much as she used with Rita lately. “With stars …” She glanced at Jackie, and then at Robert. “And instead you didn’t even tell us, or bring us here, or anything.” She looked at me now, a cold and cranky glare. “You know I’m going to be an actress, and you’re supposed to care about us, and help us learn things and do cool stuff, and you didn’t even tell us.”

“You should have told us,” Cody said softly, and that hurt more than Astor’s contempt.

“Yes, but, school is … and anyhow,” I said, and regrettably, I was stuttering now.

“It’s Saturday,” Cody said.

“You’re acting like a putz,” Astor told me. And before I could wonder where she had learned that word, Deborah pushed the stroller through the door and into the room next to me.

“Rita called and asked me if I could watch the kids,” Debs told me. “Some kind of awful crisis at work involving the euro and real estate prices in Germany. Which you would know if you ever called her.”

“Yes, but …” I said. “I mean, on a Saturday …?”

“You really are a putz,” Debs said, shaking her head.

I glanced at Jackie; she smiled and nodded. “You are,” she said happily.

They all stared at me with mild contempt and amusement; it seemed like even the two babies had learned the look, and I waited for Lily Anne to call out, “Putz, Dadoo!” Happily for me, she didn’t, and I made a valiant effort to collect the tattered shreds of my dignity.

“Well,” I said, “I’m very happy to see you all.”

I could have continued my embarrassing groveling, but Astor had locked her eyes onto Jackie. “Are you an actress?” she asked, almost shyly, which was a very odd tone coming from Astor.

Jackie looked down at her and raised one eyebrow. “Yes, I am,” she said.

“Are you famous?” Astor said.

Jackie gave her a polite smile. “I guess it’s a matter of opinion,” she said.

Astor stared a moment longer, then frowned, glanced at me, and asked Jackie, “Why are you with Dexter?”

Jackie looked at me for help, but I had nothing. The tip of her tongue poked out between her lips and she took a deep breath. “Dexter is … helping me with … a problem,” she said.

Astor shook her head. “What kind of problem could he help you with?” she said, and the old, snarky tone was back in her voice; she even snickered. “Do you have a blood-spatter problem?”

“No, of course not,” Jackie said.

“That’s all Dexter can do,” Astor said. “Except-” She caught herself just in time, looked at me, and then her jaw dropped open and she whirled back around to Jackie. “Oh, shit,” she said. “You’re having an affair.” She looked back at me. “Dexter is having sex with a famous actress! That is so cool!”

Jackie actually blushed, and my sister, Deborah, helpful as ever, let out an amused snort.

“What? No!” I said. “Astor, that’s ridiculous.”

“Well, then, what?” she demanded. “Why are you hanging out with her?”

I hesitated, and Jackie didn’t have anything to say, either. Deborah raised one eyebrow and shrugged, which was not terribly helpful. Apparently it was all on me, so I tried tiptoeing up to it. “It’s kind of secret,” I said.

“Affairs are always secret,” Astor said. I wondered if anyone would notice if I flung her out a window.

“Astor, it’s not an affair,” I said, and then, taking a deep breath, I plunged in headfirst. “Jackie got some scary letters,” I said. “I’m just … making sure nothing bad happens to her-”

Astor’s face lit up and she beamed at Jackie. “You got a psycho stalker? Wow! You really are famous!” she said.

Jackie turned an appalled expression on me, and I said, “Astor, please, it’s a secret.”

“Why is it secret?” Astor said. “If I had a stalker, I’d want everybody to know.”

“Jackie could lose her job,” Deborah said.

Astor frowned and shook her head. “Why?” she said. “It’s not her fault.”

“It’s complicated,” I said. “Just please don’t tell anybody.” Astor looked at me like she was calculating what she might wangle out of me in exchange for her silence, and I was ready to promise her a new pony, when fate smiled on me for once. From the far end of the room, near a short hallway, there was a loud outburst of angry yelling and everyone turned to look.

Renny was holding on to Kathy, Jackie’s assistant, by her wrists; she was struggling to get away and shouting at him furiously to let go or she would tell everybody. Renny said something soft and urgent, and Kathy yanked her arms away and slapped him. “I told you last time!” she said. “I swear to God, Renny, you just-” And then one of Sylvia’s thin young men was there, stepping bravely between them and speaking soothing words. And Kathy backed off, gave Renny one last glare, and said, “I mean it, asshole!” She whirled away and steamed straight over to Jackie. For the first time, her arms were not filled with papers, and she didn’t even have her trademark phone in one hand and Starbucks cup in the other. She pushed past me with a glare and stood in front of Jackie. “Sylvia said she couldn’t wait for you any longer and she was going to do Robert first-”

“All right, Kathy, it’s all right,” Jackie said soothingly. “Are you okay?”

Kathy pushed her glasses up with one stubby finger. “I am fine,” she said. “But that piece of shit Renny-”

“Okay, it’s over,” Jackie said, taking Kathy by the arm and leading her over toward the couch, on the opposite side of the room from Renny. He stood watching her, a look on his face that was a strange combination of anger and amusement. Then he turned and saw me looking, and as our eyes met I heard a soft hiss from a coiled Something inside and the distant rattle of leathery wings as it stretched and twitched uneasily in half readiness to rise and meet the thing that stared back at us from Renny’s hissing Something-

And then Renny turned away and the Passenger yawned and turned over and went back to its lazy nap and I was left wondering once again if I had really seen that threat in Renny’s eyes. What, if anything, would it steer him toward? And what had he done to Kathy? She seemed as angry at him as she had been at me-had Renny made her pee on the floor, too?

But before I could do any more than frame the questions, Astor spoke up again.

“Oh, oh,” Astor said, and her voice was reverent and hushed. “That’s the guy from the show Mom used to like. It’s on reruns all the time. What’s his name …?”

I turned around to see what she was talking about. Unfortunately, she was staring directly at Robert.

“You mean Robert?” I said. “Mom watches Robert’s old show?”

“Robert Chase,” Astor said with excitement. She stared at Robert with a hungry look and licked her lips. “I’ve seen him on TV, like, a hundred times.” There was a tone of yearning in her voice I had never heard from her before, and I realized that, as ridiculous as it might seem to me, Astor was starstruck-and with Robert, for God’s sake.

Still, I had obligations as her stepfather, as she had already reminded me, and I was willing to do almost anything to take her mind off Jackie’s little secret, so I pushed away the weary sigh that was trying to come out and replaced it with cheerful parental words. “Would you like me to introduce you?” I said. And Astor shot me a glance that made me think there might be some small hope of someday working my way back into her good graces.

“Hell, yes,” she said.

“Astor,” Debs said warningly.

“I mean, yes, please, Dexter,” she amended, with a completely artificial look of angelic innocence on her face. “I really want to meet him.”

“Me, too,” Cody said, stubbornly refusing to be left out.

“Well,” I said, thinking of the Robert I had come to know far too well, “I hope you aren’t disappointed.”

Astor snorted and shook her head. “Dexter, he’s a star,” she said, her voice laced with pity for my stupidity. “How can we be disappointed?”

I could think of a dozen ways off the top of my head, all based on my knowledge of Robert, but it would probably be better to let him crush her dreams all by himself, so I just said, “Okay. Come on.”

“You know him?” Astor said. “You really know him?”

“Oh, yes, I know him,” I said. “Come on.”

I walked over to where Robert was struggling with his repugnant Hawaiian shirt; it seemed to be a few sizes too small, and he couldn’t quite get all the buttons done. “I haven’t gained an ounce,” he was saying to the scary woman. “Not one ounce in fifteen years-the size is wrong. Or it shrank when you cleaned it.”

“I don’t do shrink,” the woman growled at him.

“Well, somebody did-look at this!” Robert held open the shirt and showed his bare chest. It was smooth and hairless, as if he waxed it, but it must be said that it was also lean and smoothly muscled. “There’s no fat there, none at all!” he told her.

The woman-Sylvia? — stepped in to Robert and pulled at the shirt; she couldn’t make it close either. She hissed loudly, and then jerked the shirt off him. “Teddy!” she snarled, and the young man who’d been carrying uniforms hurried over.

“Sylvia, the arm patches are all coming off, too, and we don’t have enough hot glue for-”

Sylvia flung Robert’s shirt at the poor guy, and he caught it with his face. “Take this,” she snarled. “Go get another just like it-two sizes bigger.”

“I don’t know if they have any more in this pattern?” Teddy said plaintively, peeling the shirt off his face. “The man said they-”

Sylvia closed her eyes. “Go,” she said quietly, but in a voice that was boiling with dreadful menace, and Teddy fled with the shirt.

“Hey, Dexter!” Robert said. He swung his eyes onto Cody and Astor. “Whatcha got here, huh?”

Astor looked at me with brand-new, never-before-seen respect in her eyes. “You do know him,” she said. “You know Robert Chase!”

“Of course he knows me,” Robert said happily. “He’s been teaching me about forensics all week. For my new show.” He took a step closer to the kids and held out a hand to Cody. “Howdy, partner,” he said.

“Hi,” Cody said, staring at him solemnly, and then slowly shaking Robert’s hand.

Robert turned to Astor and held out his hand. “And what’s your name, beautiful?”

Astor blushed. It was an astonishing sight, something I had never seen her do in all the long years I had known her. She blushed, and held out her hand to Robert as if she was reaching for the crown jewels.

“Astor,” she said, in a voice so soft it might have been Cody’s.

“Astor,” Robert repeated, smiling at her. “Beautiful name for a beautiful girl.” He beamed at her, holding her hand for a few seconds too long, and then turned to me. “Dexter, holy smokes, you said you had kids, but you didn’t tell me your daughter was a supermodel.” Astor’s face turned even redder, but Cody frowned. Clearly he was feeling slightly left out.

“Well, what have we got here?” came the loud and frightening voice of Sylvia the costume witch. I turned around, prepared to draw a sword and slay her before she could eat my kids, but instead I found her beaming.

“These are Dexter’s kids,” Robert told her. “You know, my technical adviser.”

“Well, they are beautiful!” Sylvia gushed. Her face split into something that was probably supposed to be a fond smile; it was hard to say, since Sylvia’s face was clearly not made for such things. But she smiled and looked at Cody and Astor with maternal affection, and I could not have been more amazed if I had seen a balanced federal budget.

Sylvia knelt down between Cody and Astor with that same fond and phony-looking smile on her face. “Hello, little man,” she said to Cody. She put a hand on his shoulder. “Oh, my-you’re very strong-are you a football player?”

Cody was trying very hard not to look pleased. “Soccer,” he said in his too-soft voice.

“That’s a wonderful sport,” Sylvia cooed at him. “What’s your name?”

“Cody,” he said. He was clearly torn between resentment at being treated like an idiot and delight at having someone pay him that much attention, but it looked like delight was winning.

“My name is Sylvia,” she told him. “I’m in charge of all the clothes that the actors wear for the show.”

Cody nodded. “Costumes,” he said.

Sylvia clapped her hands in delight. “That’s right!” she said. “So you’re smart, too!”

Naturally enough, Astor didn’t like being left out. She rolled her eyes and said, “Oh, brother,” and Sylvia glanced her way.

“And what’s your name, dear?” Sylvia said.

“My name is Astor,” she said. “I’m going to be an actress.”

“Well,” Sylvia said, “all little girls think that.”

Astor made a sound that was almost a Sylvia-like hiss. “I’m almost twelve,” she said.

“Hey, she could do it,” Robert said, pushing his way in next to Astor. “I mean, she’s got the looks for it; that’s for sure.” And Astor looked up at him even more adoringly, if possible.

“So, Dex,” Robert said, “great kids, and glad you brought ’em-but what are you doing here on a Saturday? Um-and with her …?” He nodded toward Jackie, and although I had never before seen a nod of the head express contempt, somehow he managed it. But after all, he was a working actor. “I mean, uh …” he said, raising an eyebrow, and clearly waiting for a reasonable explanation.

“Oh, well,” I said, hoping something brilliant would occur to me.

“Has Dexter really been working with you all week, Mr. Chase?” Astor said.

“Robert,” he said with a grin that showed more gleaming white teeth than any three humans should have. “Just call me Robert.”

“Robert,” Astor said, trying it out and liking the sound of it.

“Hey, you want to be an actress.” He nodded to the far end of the suite. “I have to go get my shirt-you want to see what an actor’s dressing room looks like?” he said.

“Sure, Robert,” Astor said, not sounding quite as mature as she thought she did. She glanced at me with cool aloofness and added, “I’ll be right back.”

“We’ll just be a second, Dex,” he said to me, still showing too many teeth. “That okay?”

“Um,” I said, with a vague notion that this was skating close to some kind of a line. But before I could frame an objection, Astor rolled her eyes.

“It’s fine,” she said. “Come on, Robert.” And she gave me her best adult stare and said, “Robert and I will be right back, Dexter.” She took him by the hand and the two of them went off to the short hallway at the far end of the suite, where there were three doors, presumably into bedrooms and bathrooms.

Robert glanced back at me; his face was aglow in a way I hadn’t seen before, and I remembered that he did have a crush on me. He probably thought he could please me by showering attention on my sweet and innocent little girl. Well, he couldn’t, and he would soon find out just how sweet and innocent Astor was. As soon as she got over her hero worship and started to act like herself, we would see how he liked it. I waved at him; he waved back and they disappeared together through the far door, and as I turned away from them I saw Jackie hurrying over to me.

“What did he say?” she said quietly but urgently. “Did he ask why you’re here with me?”

“Well, actually-” I said.

“Goddamn it,” she hissed. “What did you tell him?”

“We got distracted,” I said. “I didn’t tell him anything.”

“Well, he’s going to ask again-we have to think of something,” she said. “He’s the one guy who really can’t know about … Patrick.” She bit her lip and looked very worried. “Robert is … He would love nothing better than to spread it around that there’s a psycho after me and get me fired.…”

She grimaced and looked around to see whether anyone had heard her; no one was close enough. Cody stood a few feet away with Sylvia, sticking pins into the dress dummy. No one else was near. “Damn it, I don’t know. We could say …” She trailed off, frowning, and looked around. “Got it,” she said, as inspiration and relief visibly flowed onto her face. “Where’s Kathy?”

A door slammed, and Kathy came hurrying out of the hallway where Astor and Robert had gone. Jackie raised a hand to signal her, but Kathy didn’t see her; she just chugged rapidly out the door to the suite and vanished.

“What the hell …?” Jackie said.

“Maybe she ran out of coffee,” I suggested, but Jackie just looked at me, and then at the outside door where Kathy had gone, frowning, and then Robert and Astor came trotting toward us. Robert was buttoning his shirt, and he looked flustered. I wondered what Astor had said to him. As I knew very well, she was capable of saying some very surprising things. Judging by Robert’s expression, this one had been a doozy.

Like Cody, Astor was turned away from Normal forever. Cody enjoyed killing things, and with proper guidance he would grow up to be like me, a well-adjusted monster. But Astor-I didn’t really know. Girls were different, even if the form her difference would take was not yet clear. From what I knew of the subject, she was at the age where we would soon find out.

Like me, and her brother, Astor could not feel empathy for others. She did not really have emotions, unless you count overwhelming crankiness. I’d done a little research, just to be ready, and it was most likely that Astor would find some career path that let her manipulate people somehow, and then work her way to the top by doing whatever it took, regardless of the consequences to others. She would learn to make people do exactly what she wanted them to do, sometimes merely because she could, just to see them squirm.

Beyond that, I didn’t really know what she was going to be capable of someday; she hadn’t shown any interest in much, other than clothes and making boys suffer, which was almost normal for a girl her age. Mostly she just seemed angry, and a lot of her anger came out verbally; she sometimes said and did things that could be quite surprising to the unprepared. From the look on Robert’s face, I had to think she had done so with him.

“That’s- See? We were only one minute or so, and, uh … where did your assistant go?” Robert said, sounding bewildered as he looked around. Astor stood beside him with a kind of superior smirk on her face.

“Don’t you have an assistant of your own, Bob?” Jackie said, much too sweetly.

Robert scowled. “You know, we have to work together, so-”

“Robert wants to show me the makeup room, but he said I had to ask you first,” Astor said. “Can I go see it? Please, Dexter?”

“It’s just down the hall,” Robert said quickly. And when I didn’t answer, he went on. “And hey! You didn’t tell me-how come you’re down here? With the kids and …” He glanced at Jackie and then stumbled on. “And you know. On a Saturday?”

“Dexter is getting an under-five,” Jackie said. “So I said I’d show him where wardrobe is.” She smiled at Robert, not a happy smile. “Is that okay, Robert?” she said, as if his name was in quotation marks.

“What’s an under-five?” Astor demanded.

“Well,” said Robert, looking right at Jackie and showing her his teeth, “he can’t be any worse at acting than some people who do it for a living.”

“My thoughts exactly,” Jackie said sweetly, showing her own teeth right back. “He’s almost certainly better than … some actors.”

“Mee-ow,” said Sylvia, stepping over and pushing between them. “Are you two still at it? After all these years?”

“Some things are forever,” Robert said, scowling. “Like herpes.”

“Robert has such trouble letting go,” Jackie said lightly. “And it was such a small thing, too.”

Robert turned bright red and clenched his fists. “I guess you’re the expert.”

“Well,” Jackie said, with that same acid-coated sweetness, “you certainly aren’t any expert.”

Robert opened his mouth to say something crushing. But he never got the chance; Sylvia took him by the arm and said, “Enough, you two. Let’s get your pants fitted.”

“He’s going to show me the makeup room,” Astor said.

“Work comes first,” Sylvia said. “Come on, Bob.”

“Robert,” he said automatically. He smiled at Astor and added, “It’ll just take two minutes.” Sylvia tugged at his arm, and with a last glare at Jackie, Robert allowed Sylvia to drag him away.

Astor watched him go, pouting heavily, and then, with a sidelong glance at me to see whether I was going to stop her, she followed along.

I looked at Jackie, hoping for some hint to what was going on. This had gone beyond the normal sniping between her and Robert. It was clear from the venom, as well as the words, that they had some kind of history together, and equally clear that it was unpleasant. I waited for Jackie to say something that might fill me in. But she just watched Robert’s back, and when he was finally gone into one of the suite’s bedrooms, she turned to me at last and said, “Well, now we have to get you an under-five.”

“Isn’t that some kind of tuxedo?” I said.

Jackie smiled and patted my cheek, and even though it was a very clear statement that I was an adorable moron, her hand felt very good, so I concentrated on the “adorable” and forgave the rest.

“So much to learn,” she said. “So little time.” She left her hand on my cheek for just a moment, and I could smell that same faint scent of perfume coming from her wrist. Then she dropped her hand.

“With Kathy gone, I’ll have to do this myself,” she said. “But the director owes me a favor. So-”

She smiled and then, very much like Astor had led Robert away, she took my hand and led me out the door.