Don’t Look Back

chapter sixteen

In Carson’s father’s old red pickup truck, which smelled faintly of cigars, I pressed back into the seat and continued breathing deeply, hands clasped against my stomach. My pulse had finally started to slow down.

“If I had known what was going on, I would’ve come inside sooner,” Carson said quietly.

I swallowed. “It’s not your … your problem, and it’s okay.”

“It shouldn’t be your problem, and it’s not okay.” He reached over, gently pulling my hands free. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine.” I let out a shaky breath. “I think I was having a panic attack. I thought I heard …”

“Heard what?” His hand smoothed over mine, then folded over it.

When he was touching me like that, I’d probably admit just about anything. I turned my head toward him. A fine current of electricity shimmed between us. “I thought someone asked me if I’d killed Cassie, but I was … hearing things.” Forcing a weak laugh, I looked out the window. Kids streamed out the barn doors. Del was among them. “Or maybe some of them do think I killed her.”

“They don’t think that.”

I shot him a dull look. “It’s not like I’m a fan favorite here—then or now.”

His lips twitched. “Well, if they do think it, then they’re idiots.” He let go of my hand and started the truck. It rumbled to life. “So, want me to take you home? Or do you want me to go get Scott for you?”

“Actually, do you have plans? I was wondering if you’d like to do something with me today.”

He arched a brow. “The answer is yes and always, probably for a very long time, too.” His gaze dropped to my lips. “But unless you’ve kicked Del the Dick to the curb, I’m going to have to refuse.”

My cheeks burned, and my stomach warmed at his teasing. “Um, that’s not what I’m asking, but good to know.”

“Hmm. It wasn’t?” Carson’s lips spread into a half grin. “So what were you asking?”

Images of us together occupied my mind for a couple more seconds. “I was wondering if you would take me up to the cliff.”

“I can do that.” Carson shifted the gears. His hand brushed along my thigh, and I jerked at the contact. “But you probably want to change first.”

The images were still there, in a lot more detail than before. Us kissing. Touching. Talking.

Carson slid me a look. A knowing, smug grin split his lips. “Sam.”

I blinked. “Change of clothes. Got it.”

He chuckled as he shifted gears again, grazing my leg with the side of his hand. I doubted it was accidental. Then he threw his arm over the back of my seat and turned his head toward me. Because I was staring at him, the movement put us within kissing distance. My heart leaped into my throat. For a moment, I thought he was going to say “screw the good-guy thing” and go for it. A second later I realized he was backing up.

Awkward.

Carson met my eyes and winked. I let out the breath I was holding, so aware of him that I felt as if I’d climb out of my skin at any second. And he knew it. That smug half grin was on his face the whole way to my house.

I snuck in and quickly changed into hiking-appropriate clothing. The house seemed empty, but I didn’t stick around to find out, doubtful that either of my parents would’ve been down with me hanging out with Carson.

We stopped at his house, and he changed out of his dress clothes. Returning in under two minutes, he’d thrown on a pair of jeans and a light sweater.

The trip to the state forest was bumpy. The truck rocked, and my phone slipped out of my fingers, falling to the floorboard. Reaching down, my hand knocked into something soft, and I grabbed it with my phone.

It was a hat—the black baseball cap I’d seen him wear before.

An image of the man in the woods flashed before me. He’d been wearing a black cap, but that … that was only a memory or a stress-induced hallucination. It couldn’t be …

“Your hat?” I said hoarsely.

Carson glanced at me, brows raised. “Yeah, had it for years.”

I put it on the dashboard, quickly dismissing the irrational fear. As we drove up the narrow dirt road, I glanced at him. “I tried to talk to Del before Veronica turned on me.”

He gave me a sidelong glance. “Sam, I don’t want to be the reason why you leave him.”

“You’re not,” I said honestly. “Things aren’t the same between Del and me, and that has nothing to do with you.”

“Okay.” One of his fingers tapped on the steering wheel. “Has he told you anything about your relationship?”

I shook my head. “Other than our relationship was perfect? No.”

Carson let out a choked laugh. “He said that? Wow.”

“What?” My interest was immediately piqued.

“Your relationship was far from perfect.” Turning onto a gravelly, bumpy road put us right into direct sunlight. He reached over, grabbed the baseball cap, and slid it on. “You guys were like Cassie and Trey, fighting all the time.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yep.” He squinted, making a sharp right. “You guys didn’t break up like Trey and Cassie did all the time, but you two fought like crazy.”

I slumped back against the seat. Del had lied to me, and I’d believed him—believed in this perfect, fairy-tale romance. Feeling stupid, I glared out the window. There were more than enough signs that things weren’t perfect. The looks the girls gave me, the times Del had slipped up.

“You doing okay over there?” he asked.

My hands balled into fists. “I’m pissed! It’s bad enough that I don’t remember anything, but lying to me? He took advantage of me. I feel like an idiot.”

“You’re not an idiot, Sam.”

Pressing my lips together, I shook my head. Maybe I wasn’t stupid, but I’d been incredibly naive. How many more people were lying to me? And about what? About things that were far more serious than the status of my relationship with Del, no doubt. My chest ached at all the possibilities. What if I was a murderous teenage brat and all the signs had been there? And no one wanted to tell me?

We came to a stop at a dead end blocked off with a chain and a weathered sign that marked the property private.

Carson killed the engine and sat back, looking at me. “There’s a trail that actually leads straight from your parents’ house to the cliff. I only know from helping Dad do stuff around the summer home. You could’ve made it at night, though.”

Looking around and seeing nothing but thick wilderness, it was hard to imagine wandering around here at night and not getting eaten by a bear. “Who owns it?”

“The state, I guess. Not really sure, but you and Scott used to hang out up here a lot when you were younger.” He paused. “I would tag along when your parents let me. You used to love to stand on the edge of the cliff. Freaked me and Scott out.”

I smiled faintly. “So this place meant something to me?”

“I think so.”

Reaching for the handle to open the door, I drew in a deep breath. “Ready?”

“Can you wait a sec?” Carson asked, pulling off the cap. He ran a hand through his hair, then tossed the hat onto the dashboard. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

Dismay stirred inside me, and my heart dropped all the way to my toes. Nothing good came from statements like that. Letting go of the handle, I twisted toward him. “What?”

He stared straight ahead, eyes narrowed and jaw clenched. “I haven’t been completely honest with you about some things.”

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out except a ragged breath. The ache was back in my chest, but different this time. It was centered over my heart, raw and worried like an overexposed wound. Part of me didn’t want to know what he hadn’t been truthful about, but I couldn’t—wouldn’t—run from this. Squaring my shoulders, I braced myself for whatever he was about to say.

“Okay,” I finally said. “Tell me.”

His gaze slid toward me. “Remember when I told you that you were my first kiss?” When I nodded, he let out a long breath. “Well, you were also my last kiss.”

I cocked my head to the side, unsure I heard him correctly. Out of everything I was expecting him to say, that wasn’t even near the bottom of the list. “Come again?”

Carson’s lips twitched into a tiny half smile that quickly faded. “I saw you the night you disappeared.”

Forcing myself to not climb across the seat and throttle him, I gripped my knees as anger pricked at my skin. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s complicated. And I know … I know that’s not a good-enough excuse. I told the police, so I’m surprised that they never told you.” He looked away, working the muscle in his jaw. “But what happened between us …”

I sucked in a sharp breath. Between us could mean only a few things. If he’d lied to me about that … well, the pressure building in my throat and behind my eyes said enough. “What happened?”

“I was hanging around with Scott, watching a movie down in the basement. It was close to ten when I left. The house was completely dark. I don’t even think your dad was home. I headed out the back way, through the sunroom, just in case your mom was roaming around. I didn’t see you at first.” His forehead creased as he ran the tips of his fingers down his face. “I heard you—you were sitting on one of those damn window seats, crying. I should’ve turned and went in the other direction, but I couldn’t walk away. Not when you were crying.”

My fingers loosened around my knees as some of the tension eased off. Carson wasn’t the kind of guy who could walk away from a crying girl. Recalling what I did know about that night, I felt a sour taste in my mouth. “I was with Del until nine.”

Carson nodded slowly. “I asked if you were okay, and you got up and turned on the light. You weren’t wearing that … necklace. So I figured you had a big blowup with him.”

“He said I took it off to shower after … uh …”

He arched a brow. “Unless crying is something you typically do after having sex, I have a feeling that’s not why you took it off.”

Mortification turned my entire body red. That was so not the conversation I wanted to have with Carson. “Okay, good point. Moving on.”

“Well, you acted like you normally did. Got in my face, and we started arguing, but it was different.” He leaned his head back against the seat, closing his eyes. “As pissy as you were being with me, you were still crying. And I’d never seen you like that. I don’t even know what I was thinking, but I grabbed you to … comfort you or something, and you just came at me.”

“I came at you?”

One side of his lips curved up. “You kissed me. No warning whatsoever. You just laid one on me.”

Oh dear god. I slumped against the seat. Not only was I a mean girl, but I’d also molested Carson. Nice.

“I was kind of shocked at first … and then I kissed you back.” He sighed again. “It was all pretty intense—angry, actually. Kind of hot, too. Then you got a text message, pushed me away, and stormed off. That was the last time I saw you.”

Having no idea how to respond to any of that, I stared at him. Being upset had to have something to do with Del and then my phone going off. … Cassie? My thoughts lingered on that for a moment and then flipped right back to the fact that I had kissed Carson—really kissed Carson.

“Why didn’t you tell me this before?” I asked quietly.

He tilted his head toward me, meeting my stare with crystalline eyes. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m not proud of it. Even though you didn’t have that damn necklace on, as far as I knew, you were still with Del. And I’m not big on making out with another guy’s girlfriend. I know I have a reputation—maybe you don’t remember it.”

“I’ve heard,” I muttered.

Carson snorted. “And you were upset. Shit, that’s, like, taking advantage of you. My mom would’ve knocked me upside the head if she were alive.”

I smiled faintly at that, but then I thought of Candy and Trey. Had they been messing around before Cassie and Trey broke up? Possibly not very important now, but something about that nagged me.

“Are you pissed at me?” he asked quietly.

Good question. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel. Del had lied to me. My friends had lied to me. And now Carson had. Part of me could understand why Carson had felt he had to lie to me, but it didn’t make it okay. I looked away, putting my thumb to my mouth and gently chewed at the nail. “I don’t know.”

Several moments passed, and then Carson reached out, pulling my hand away from my mouth. “You should really stop doing it.”

My face flushed. “Yeah, I guess … it’s a nervous habit.”

“You used to do it as a kid.”

“So you’ve said.” His hand was still around mine, the warmth of his fingers pleasant in spite of the lie. “So I kissed you?”

“Yeah.”

I nodded slowly. “And you kissed me back?”

“Yep.”

Sending him a sidelong look, I raised my brows. “Well, did you like it even though you weren’t proud of it?”

A smile pulled at his lips, and a wicked glint darkened his eyes to midnight blue. “Oh, yeah, I enjoyed it.”

I felt my lips responding to his smile. “Well, that helps me not to be too mad at you.” I pulled my hand free and reached for the door handle. “You ready now?”

Carson nodded, and we climbed out of the truck. He went to the chain, lifting the rusted metal high enough that I could easily dip under it. He moved in front of me, and I followed, mulling over what I’d discovered. Truth be told, I really didn’t know how I felt about his lying to me. And that wasn’t even the most important part of what he’d told me.

Why had I been crying after leaving Del’s?

Del had lied about our relationship—that much was certain. But about what, exactly? Had we broken up? Is that why I’d taken his necklace off? And most important, did our breakup have anything to do with Cassie?

Once again, the picture of Cassie and Del floated to the surface of my mind. But this time it was different. Feelings were tied to the image. Anger. Disappointment. I knew there was more, just out of reach, waiting for me to put two and two together.

Cassie.

Del.

I stopped beside a prickly bush as a wave of foreign emotions crashed over me. Cassie and Del …

Having realized I’d stopped, Carson backtracked. “Hey, you doing okay?”

“Yeah, I just … I don’t know.” How could I explain what I was feeling—thinking? I tipped my head back. Deep blue sky broke through the branches. “Do you think Cassie and Del had something going on?”

“I really don’t know,” he said, leaning against a tree. “I wouldn’t put it past either of them.”

“Why was I friends with someone like that? How could I date someone like Del?” Before he could answer, I’d figured it out. The revelation wasn’t new or anything, but it still stung like a wasp. “Because I was just like them.”

Carson pushed off the tree and took my hand, threading his fingers through mine. “You really weren’t. Not always, and you aren’t anymore. That’s got to mean something.”

I glanced at him. “Second chances, right?”

He nodded and then started walking again, keeping his hand secured around mine. I tried not to put much thought in it.

The path we walked wasn’t much of a path at all. It was an uneven stretch of land that continued uphill until the two of us were forced to break contact lest we lose our footing. Pieces of dirt and small rocks kicked up, rolling down the hill behind us. Finally we cleared the trees and crossed a grassy patch.

Breaking away from Carson, I slowly moved to the edge of the cliff. Wind, cold and wet, whipped my hair back. Tips of trees guarded the waterfall below, and like I’d suspected, the fall was rocky and sheer.

I waited for vertigo to slam into me, but as I stood at the edge, I realized the height didn’t bother me. In fact, there was something thrilling about being up so high. “I think I still have a bit of an adrenaline junkie in me,” I said.

Carson’s laugh was strained. “That’s kind of good to hear, but do you think you could move back from the edge a little?”

He’d stayed near the trees, and I wondered if he was afraid of heights. “Do you think if we fell from here, I could’ve survived it?”

“It’s possible. Crazier things have happened. Or she could’ve jumped.”

Turning around, I stared at him. That wasn’t something I’d considered.

Carson eyes flinted away from mine, narrowing on the empty space beyond the tips of trees. “It’s just a possibility,” he said quietly. “People do insane shit like that all the time.”

But everything I knew about Cassie told me she wouldn’t have done that. Not alone … I swallowed, unable to wrap my head around the budding idea forming there.

“Feeling … or remembering anything?” he asked.

I shook my head, disappointed. Nothing was coming to the surface besides more questions and confusion. Walking back toward the cluster of trees to the right, I started chewing on my nail. Large pines reached around the boulders jutting out of the ground, and beyond the rocks was nothing but the fall—the fall I had to have taken.

“Lucky to be alive” was an understatement.

Time passed in silence. Carson remained on the other side, letting me stay here as long as it took. I leaned against a tree, eyes narrowed on the edge of the cliff. I was ready to give up, tell him we should head back, but then a cold shiver danced down my spine. It was the only warning.

This wasn’t like the visions I’d been having. There was no gray film, and I didn’t see anything. I just felt it—heard my own thoughts as if the past had been layered under the present, but now was resurfacing.

In a blink of an eye, Carson was in front of me, his expression pinched with concern. “What is it?”

My mouth worked at a reply as my heart sped up. “I shouldn’t have been here.”

“That night?” he asked.

Nodding, I turned to the tree, running my hand along the rough bark. Touching the tree made me feel like one of those psychics on those TV shows Candy had been talking about, but I just knew I’d been here—right here. “I think … I was hiding behind these trees. It’s like I wasn’t supposed to be here, but I was. I know that doesn’t make sense.”

“It’s okay.” Carson followed me around the tree.

I closed my eyes, but I couldn’t see anything. “She wanted me here—Cassie. She wanted me to see them together.”

“See who, Sam?”

I shook my head in frustration as I opened my eyes. “I don’t know, but I think I knew she wanted me to see them—to know. And I know it was a guy—a guy she wanted me to see her with.”

Carson took a step back, inhaling sharply. Our eyes met, and the cold feeling was now working its way up my spine now.

He reached out, taking my hand. “Sam, do you know who she was with?”

“No, but I think I have an idea.”

The look on his face said he was thinking the same thing I was, and it was terrible—heartbreaking in a way that made me soul-sick and dizzy. Things clicked into place, one tiny disturbing clue after another.

“Del,” I whispered.