Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine, Vol. 73, No. 3. Whole No. 424, March 1979

Grocery List by Gina Haldane[16]

This is the 515th “first story” to be published by Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine... “As some day it may happen that a victim must be found, I’ve got a little list — I’ve got a little list.” — from Koko’s Song in The Mikado (Gilbert and Sullivan)...

The author, Gina Haldane, formerly an actress, is now vice president of a video systems company, and “writing is an alternative to the pressures of owning a small business.” She is “interested in all sorts of things, from the conventional (sewing, design) to the more controversial (human liberation). Above all, I am addicted to reading and have inadvertently committed nineteen cereal boxes to memory!”...

1 doz eggs

1 lb butter

(I remember when we were first married how Bob loved my omelets)

1 gal milk

1 lg box Whoopie Wheetsies

(I wish the kids wouldn’t believe all that junk on television. They keep begging me to get them this, get them that)

1 bottle Kalm-Tabs (for stress)

1 six-pack Macho beer

(which will be gone by the end of Sunday s football game. Bob’ll be dozing in front of the TV, wearing that old undershirt)

1 head lettuce

2 tomatoes

3 lbs hamburger

(I remember when Bob said, “Steak and caviar, baby — marry me and it’ll be steak and caviar all the way!” And now we can barely afford hamburgers)

1 pkg Sweetums disposable diapers

3 jars Bitsie-Bites baby food

(maybe if we hadn’t had three kids in three years, maybe then)

1 box Storm detergent

1 floor mop

(or maybe if Bob had let me keep my job instead of being a broken-down housewife, I could have had a career)

1 Calorie-Counter’s Meals for One

1 doz cans Lo-Lo Kola

(I don’t know why I try to lose weight. I’ll bet she would be eating all the time if her husband was seeing another woman)

1 bunch asparagus

(I bet they think I don’t even know about their affair! Well, if they think I’m going to let them get away with it)

1 box rat poison

(damn them!)