Ellery Queen. The Best of Suspense

Ann Mackenzie I Can’t Help Saying Goodbye

My name is Karen Anders I’m nine years old I’m little and dark and nearsighted I live with Max and Libby I have no friends

Max is my brother he’s 20 years older than me he has close-together eyes and a worried look we Anders always were a homely lot he has asthma too

Libby used to be pretty but she’s put on weight she looks like a wrestler in her new bikini I wish I had a bikini Lib won’t buy me one I guess I’d stop being so scared of going in the water if I had a yellow bikini to wear on the beach

Once when I was seven my father and mother went shopping they never came home there was a holdup at the bank like on television Lib said this crazy guy just mowed them down

Before they went out I knew I had to say goodbye I said it slow and clear goodbye Mommy first then goodbye Daddy but no one took any notice of it much seeing they were going shopping anyway but afterwards Max remembered he said to Libby the way that kid said goodbye you’d think she knew

Libby said for gosh sakes how could she know be reasonable honey but I guess this means we’re responsible for her now have you thought of that

She didn’t sound exactly pleased about it

Well after I came to live with Max and Libby I knew I had to say goodbye to Lib’s brother Dick he was playing cards with them in the living room and when Lib yelled Karen get to bed can’t you I went to him and stood as straight as I could with my hands clasped loose in front like Miss Jones tells us to when we have choir in school

I said very slow and clear well goodbye Dick and Libby gave me a kind of funny look

Dick didn’t look up from his cards he said goodnight kid

Next evening before any of us saw him again he was dead of a disease called peritonitis it explodes in your stomach and busts it full of holes

Lib said Max did you hear how she said goodbye to Dick and Max started wheezing and gasping and carrying on he said I told you there was something didn’t I it’s weird that’s what it is it scares me sick who’ll she say goodbye to next I’d like to know and Lib said there honey there baby try to calm yourself

I came out from behind the door where I was listening I said don’t worry Max you’ll be okay

His face was blotchy and his mouth was blue he said in a scratchy whisper how do you know.

What a dumb question as though I’d tell him even if I did know

Libby bent down and pushed her face close to mine I could smell her breath cigarettes and bourbon and garlic salad

She said only it came out like a hiss don’t you ever say goodbye to anyone again don’t you ever say it

The trouble is I can’t help saying goodbye

After that things went okay for a while and I thought maybe they’d forgotten all about it but Libby still wouldn’t buy me a new bikini

Then one day in school I knew I had to say goodbye to Kimberley and Charlene and Brett and Susie

Well I clasped my hands in front of me and I said it to each of them slow and careful one by one

Miss Jones said goodness Karen why so solemn dear and I said well you see they’re going to die

She said Karen you’re a cruel wicked child you shouldn’t say things like that it isn’t funny see how you made poor little Susie cry and she said come Susie dear get in the car you’ll soon be home and then you’ll be all right

So Susie dried her tears and ran after Kimberley and Charlene and Brett and climbed in the car right next to Charlene’s mom because Charlene’s mom was doing the car pool that week

And that was the last we saw of any of them because the car skidded off the road to Mountain Heights and rolled all the way down to the valley before it caught fire.

There was no school next day it was the funeral we sang songs and scattered flowers on the graves

Nobody wanted to stand next to me

When it was over Miss Jones came along to see Libby I said good evening and she said it back but her eyes slipped away from me and she breathed kind of fast then Libby sent me out to play

Well when Miss Jones had gone Libby called me back she said didn’t I tell you never never never to say goodbye to anyone again

She grabbed hold of me and her eyes were kind of burning she twisted my arm it hurt I screamed don’t please don’t but she went on twisting and twisting so I said if you don’t let go I’ll say goodbye to Max

It was the only way I could think of to make her stop

She did stop but she kept hanging on to my arm she said oh god you mean you can make it happen you can make them die

Well of course I can’t but I wasn’t going to tell her that in case she hurt me again so I said yes I can

She let go of me I fell hard on my back she said are you okay did I hurt you Karen honey I said yes and you better not do it again and she said I was only kidding I didn’t mean it

So then I knew that she was scared of me I said I want a bikini to wear on the beach a yellow one because yellow’s my favorite color

She said well honey you know we have to be careful and I said do you want me to say goodbye to Max or not

She leaned against the wall and closed her eyes and stood quite still for a while and I said what are you doing and she said thinking

Then all of a sudden she opened her eyes and grinned she said hey I know we’ll go to the beach tomorrow we’ll take our lunch I said does that mean I get my new bikini and she said yes your bikini and anything else you want

So yesterday afternoon we bought the bikini and early this morning Lib went into the kitchen and fixed up the picnic fried chicken and orange salad and chocolate cake and the special doughnuts she makes for company she said Karen are you sure it’s all the way you want it and I said sure everything looks just great and I won’t be so scared of the waves now I have my bikini and Libby laughed she put the lunch basket into the car she has strong brown arms she said no I guess you won’t

Then I went up to my room and put on my bikini it fitted just right I went to look in the glass I looked and looked then I clasped my hands in front I felt kind of funny I said slow and clear goodbye Karen goodbye Karen goodbye goodbye