Emily

Chapter Twenty-nine

Mrs Mackie, our daily woman, came to look after me while he was away. Her gossiping nearly drove me insane. I washed my hair and shut myself away in the studio to get away from her.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

‘Someone to see you,’ said Mrs Mackie.

And Marina walked in.

I felt weak with relief, as though a great thorn had been pulled out of my side. So Rory hadn’t gone to Edinburgh to see her. I wanted to fling my arms round her neck.

‘Hello,’ I said, grinning from ear to ear.

She seemed shattered by the warmth of my reception.

‘Are you going to Coco’s party tonight? Hamish wants to, but I’m not sure if I can face it.’

‘Oh, I am,’ I said, suddenly feeling I wanted to sing from the rooftops. ‘It should be a giggle — if Coco’s sister’s anything like her.’

Marina looked terrible. Her eyes were hidden behind huge amber sunglasses, her face chalky. She looked like someone who was shaking off gastric ’flu.

‘Are you all right?’ I said suddenly, feeling sorry for her.

‘Not very,’ she said. ‘I’m suffering from a broken heart. Can I have a drink?’

I gave her a huge slug of Rory’s whisky. She looked at the golden liquid for a minute, then said: ‘Has Rory said anything about me?’

I shook my head.

‘Oh, God.’ She put her head in her hands. ‘I’ve spent days and days waiting for the Master to ring, but the Master did not ring. He obviously doesn’t wish to avail himself of the service.’

‘Are you still… well, crazy about him?’

‘Of course I am!’ she screamed, her eyes suddenly wild. ‘And he’s crazy about me. Nothing will ever cure that.’

I didn’t flinch — I was making great strides in self-control these days.

‘He’s crazy about me, but he feels guilty about you losing the baby. He thinks you’ve had a lousy deal, so he’s got to grit his teeth and try and make a go of it.’

‘Charming,’ I said, combing and combing my wet hair. She took off her dark glasses. Her eyes were suddenly alight with malevolence.

‘Look, you don’t love Rory a millionth as much as I do. You wouldn’t be playing around with Finn if you did. Finn’s crazy about you, and he’s a much better proposition than Rory is, he’s straight and utterly dependable. You’re not tricky enough for Rory, he needs someone who can play him at his own game. You drive him round the bend.’

‘It’s absolutely mutual,’ I said acidly.

‘All you’ve got to do is go to Finn,’ said Marina.

‘Why doesn’t he come and take me away?’ I said. ‘He’s got a car.’

‘Because he’s had a rough time; he’s had one broken marriage, and when he wanted you to leave Rory before you wouldn’t go. He wants you to come of your own free will.’

‘How idealistic,’ I said, sulkily. ‘For someone who throws his weight around as much as Finn does, he’s very diffident when it comes to sex.’

‘He doesn’t want to go through hell again, he’s got the hospital to consider, and if you don’t hurry, Dr Barrett will snap him up. Anyway, can’t you realize that if Rory wasn’t my brother, he’d drop you like a hot coal?’

Suddenly her face crumpled and she burst into tears. ‘I can’t stand Hamish any more,’ she sobbed. ‘You don’t know what it’s like waking up to that awful old face on the pillow every morning.’

I turned away with a sense of utter weariness. I felt as though I’d been struggling for hours up a hill, and just as I reached the top, my hold had given way and I was pitching headlong into darkness.

After she’d gone, I told Mrs Mackie to go home. I couldn’t stand her chatter any more.

Half an hour later, Finn’s car drew up outside. I watched him get out and lock it. What the hell did he have to lock it for round here, I thought irritably. There was no-one to pinch any dangerous drugs, except a few sheep.

‘Go away,’ I said miserably to Finn, refusing to open the door.

‘Five minutes,’ he said.

‘What for?’ I said.

‘I don’t like unfinished business.’

‘Is there unfinished business?’

‘Come on, stop messing about, let me in.’

‘Oh all right,’ I said, sulkily, opening the door. He followed me into the drawing-room.

‘Do you want a drink?’ I said.

‘No, I want you,’ he ran his hands through his hair, ‘I haven’t been able to get you on your own since Rory took over.’ He looked almost as bad as Marina. Deep lines were entrenched around his mouth and his eyes. He seemed to have aged ten years in as many days.

‘You haven’t tried very hard,’ I said.

‘I’ve been run off my feet — two men from the petrol ship died last night, another early this morning.’

‘Oh I’m so sorry,’ I said, horrified, ‘did they suffer a lot?’

‘Yep,’ said Finn. ‘It hasn’t been very pleasant at the hospital — in fact it’s been hell.’

‘Did you get any extra help from the mainland?’ I said.

‘I’ve got another doctor arriving this evening — at least it’ll give Jackie a break, she’s been marvellous.’

‘I’m sure she has,’ I said. ‘Oh dear, she’s far more suitable for you than I am.’

‘Maybe she is,’ said Finn, ‘but it happens to be you that I love. You certainly need more looking after than she does; what the hell are you wandering about with bare feet and wet hair for?’ He picked up a towel. ‘Come on, I’ll dry it for you.’

‘No, it’ll go all fluffy.’ Finn took no notice. Christ, he rubbed hard.

‘I won’t have any scalp left,’ I grumbled.

After that, the inevitable happened and I ended up in his arms, and I must confess that I did like kissing him very much. It was one of the great all-time pleasures, like smoked salmon and Brahms’ second piano concerto. Then I started getting nervous that Rory might walk in, so I wriggled out of his grasp.

‘Who told you Rory was away?’ I said.

‘Marina did.’

‘She has been busy,’ I said. ‘She was here earlier telling me how much she and Rory still love each other, and how noble Rory had been coming back to me.’

‘Rory,’ said Finn, kicking a log on the fire, ‘has never done anything noble in his life. This little display of territorial imperative is sheer bloody-mindedness because he doesn’t want me to get you. It’s only me he’s jealous about. Did he ever give a damn when Calen Macdonald made a pass at you?’

‘No,’ I said, plunging back into the depths of gloom.

‘Why don’t you leave him? You know how much I want you to.’

‘The downward path is easy,’ I said, ‘but there’s no turning back. When your dear, scheming sister was telling me how mad Rory is about her, it hurt me so much I couldn’t speak, but when she started dropping dark hints about you and Doctor Barrett, it irritated me but it didn’t tear me in pieces at all… Q.E.D. I love Rory, not you.’ I suddenly felt a great sense of loss. ‘I’m wildly attracted to you, physically,’ I said, ‘I expect I always will be, but I’m stuck with loving Rory.’

‘Even if he doesn’t love you?’

I nodded. I played my last card: ‘The only way it might work is if we went away together, away from Irasa, and Rory and Marina, and all those associations — but that would mean your leaving the hospital.’

‘Darling, I can’t abandon it at this stage,’ said Finn. ‘You know I can’t.’

I could see the pain starting in his eyes. I went over and put my arms round his neck, breathing in his strong, male solidarity.

‘Oh Finn,’ I whispered, ‘I’m so sorry it’s not you.’