Falling

50

“Baby, make sure you leave enough food out for Ana,” I call out to Candace who is upstairs.

The seasons have gone by fast and now we are packing up, getting ready to head to my mom’s for Christmas. We were just there for Thanksgiving a few weeks back. I didn’t get to spend a whole lot of time with Candace because she was too busy plotting Black Friday shopping tactics with my mom and aunts. It was fun to see her so into it, finding deals on toys she thought we should buy the kids for Christmas. She left me at home while she spent the whole night and half of the next day shopping just to wind up sleeping for the rest of the afternoon.

“Do you have everything?” Candace asks me as she walks down the stairs.

“Yeah, it’s all in the car.”

“Did you give Tatiana her new toy?”

“Yes, babe,” I sigh. Candace insists that we buy that cat a new toy every time we leave her for a few days. Even though the cat has been living with us for over a month now, I still haven’t fully agreed to letting it stay with us permanently. Life has just been crazy with Candace’s performance schedule around the holidays; she’s lucky she was allowed this time off to go out of town. Plus my photography has really picked up, and I’m now in several galleries in the city. Needless to say, trying to contact vets and whatnot hasn’t been high on the list of things to do. I know she loves that cat, and it’s so funny to see how they mirror each other. Tiny, quiet, and both very timid. I can’t lie, the cat is adorable, and when Candace isn’t around, she spends a good amount of time in my lap. But I love teasing Candace about my loathing relationship with Ana, so I keep up the charade because she’s so fuckin’ cute when she gets all defensive over that cat.

Picking up Candace’s coat, I help slide it over her arms before we head out into the blistering cold. Once I help her into the car, I hop in, blast the heat, and start heading down to Oregon.

“Jase called this morning,” she says as she takes my phone to sync it through the speakers. “Their connecting flight got delayed and they didn’t make it to Ohio until after midnight.”

“That sucks.”

“Yeah. And then it took them over an hour to get to Mark’s house. Said they are having a horrible snow storm.”

When Candace selects The xx to play and sets the phone down, I take her hand in my lap, and ask, “So what do you wanna do while we’re away?”

As she leans her head back against the seat, she responds with, “Nothing. I’m so worn out, all I want to do is lay around in my pajamas.”

“So I get to keep you hidden away in my bed the whole time?” I say with a smirk, and she smiles back at me.

“No, but I think lying around, watching movies, and eating are all my top priorities.”

Bringing her hand up to my lips, I kiss her knuckles as we sit back and listen to ‘Angels.’

“I always think of you when I hear this song,” she murmurs as she gets comfortable in her seat.

I give her hand a light squeeze as I listen to the love song that is laced with a haunting melody.

Candace and I continue to work together with Dr. Christman, still focusing on the events of that night with Jack, but since running into Charles, we’ve been discussing more of our childhoods and how they’ve impacted us as adults. I’ve learned a lot about what it was like for Candace growing up and how she taught herself to shut down emotionally so she wouldn’t be forced into feeling worthless and sad all the time. She learned how to bury it and hide it away, to just move on through life by avoiding. But I do the same thing. Although we’ve dealt with two very different sets of parents, we both used masks to cope.

Candace still deals with anxiety around crowds. She continues to wake from night terrors, although not as often as she did a few months ago. I have a feeling these things will stick with her, along with the blame she carries. She’s still my same Candace, but she’s beginning to settle with herself, no longer living inside of her chaotic head all of the time, constantly haunted and shadowed. Her personality is starting to brighten, and I love seeing bits and pieces of the Candace that was so far destroyed when I first met her.

When we finally arrive at my mom’s, it’s a little after five on Christmas Eve. Trevor helps me unload all the gifts for the kids, and Candace, staying true to her word, is already in a pair of her long red and white polka dot pajama pants and a long-sleeved white shirt.

Walking over to her as she’s sitting down with the kids, watching cartoons, wrapped up in a blanket with her glass of Merlot, I sit down next to her and kiss her.

“You move fast,” I tease.

She settles herself into my arms as we lean back against the couch and says, “Your mom insisted I take it easy.”

“Oh she did? Did she also insist on getting you drunk?” I joke as I eye her rather large glass of wine.

Her only response is a soft kiss with her hand wrapped around the back of my neck.

“Eww! Gross!” Maddie squeals from a few feet away, embarrassing Candace.

“Don’t you kiss your boyfriend?” I tease her with a wink.

“I don’t have a boyfriend, Uncle Ryan.”

“That’s not what your mom says,” I say, continuing to egg her on.

She tilts her head at me, clearly in the know that I’m making things up, and says, “Boys are nasty,” causing Candace to burst out laughing.

“This boy isn’t nasty,” Candace tells her quietly as if it’s a secret she doesn’t want anyone else to hear.

“Don’t listen to her, Maddie,” Tori pipes in as she sits down on the couch behind Candace and me. “Uncle Ryan has cooties.”

“Maddie, do you know what crabs are?” I tease, knowing that the only crabs she’s aware of are those in the ocean.

“Ryan!” Tori squeaks as she slaps my shoulder.

Laughing loudly, I turn to Tori and say, “Hey, if you’re gonna tell her I have cooties—”

“Ryan, that’s disgusting,” Candace scolds while smiling at the banter going on.

“Aunt Donna told me that you guys got a cat,” she mentions as she sits back, and we turn to face her.

“We didn’t get a cat; Candace just decided to open our home to a feral,” I say and then wait for Candace to get defensive, and it only takes a second.

“She’s not a feral. She’s super sweet,” she tells Tori before looking at me, saying, “Admit it, she’s sweet.”

Tightening my arms around her, I confess, “Yeah, babe. Ana’s sweet.”

“Her name’s Ana?” Tori asks.

“No, her name’s Tatiana,” Candace responds.

“So why do you call her Ana?”

Looking at Tori with annoyance, I tell her, “Because no man should have to call any pet ‘Tatiana,’ especially a random stray.”

Tori shakes her head and laughs, “You guys are funny.”

“It’s a pretty name,” Candace says. “But Ryan feels it impedes too much on his masculinity to have to acknowledge her full name.”

“Are you guys talking about Tatiana?” my mom calls out from the kitchen. “That is the cutest cat.”

“When did you see it?” Tori asks.

As Mom starts walking into the living room, she answers, “I visited them before Thanksgiving to see Candace dance since I missed her opening night.”

Wrapping another blanket around the two of us, I tuck Candace’s head under my chin as the four of us continue to talk.

It isn’t long before everyone is finished with dinner and busy giving the kids baths and getting them ready for bed. Candace and I stay downstairs, cleaning up the kitchen and then settling in front of the fireplace with some wine. We enjoy the peace while we wait for my mother. Candace wants to stay up with her to fill the kids’ stockings and put the gifts from Santa under the tree. My cousins appreciate her enthusiasm since it means they don’t have to stay up and can go to bed.

“It’s so dark in here,” we hear my mom softly say as she walks into the room.

“It’s quiet,” I joke. “That’s the most important thing.”

She laughs and then eyes the bottle of wine, grabbing a glass before joining us. “Ryan, I have all the stocking stuff in the laundry room closet. Would you mind grabbing it for me?”

When I get the bags and return, Candace and Mom have all the stockings pulled from the fireplace and lying on the floor. I drop the bags and watch the two of them working together, filling them up with candy and gifts.

“So how have you been, dear? You’re always so busy; I hardly get to talk to you,” she says to Candace.

“I know. I’m sorry. Everything is good though. We’ve been really busy with the Nutcracker and also rehearsing auditions for our next run.”

“What’s that going to be?”

“‘The Tempest.’ It’ll run in February.”

“I’ll have to get tickets for that.”

“Mom, you don’t have to come to all of her performances,” I tell her as they continue to fill the stockings.

She sets one down to take a sip of her wine before saying, “I know I don’t have to, but I want to.” When she looks to Candace, she adds, “It’s fun for me to go and to know it’s you up there dancing.”

Candace’s face lights up as my mom says this. “Thanks, Donna. But you don’t need to buy tickets. I can get you the same passes I get Ryan. It’s not a big deal.”

Once everything is filled, they hang the stockings back up above the fireplace when Candace says, “Did Ryan tell you about his newest shoot?”

“No.”

“He was commissioned to shoot one of the lead principals in the company to be displayed at the Metro Gallery downtown for a special invitational showing,” she brags with a huge smile.

When my mom turns to me, she nearly scolds, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I just got the gig a few days ago.”

“Apparently the director, Peter, is friends with one of my old college dance teachers whose girlfriend works at the Henry Gallery, who Ryan works closely with now. Anyway, a few of his pieces are being displayed and caught Peter’s eye, and when he found out the photographer was my boyfriend, he commissioned him for this photo shoot.”

“That’s wonderful,” Mom says. “It amazes me the things you two have going on in your lives.”

I laugh at my mom’s excitement as Candace continues to chat with her while we start putting the gifts under the tree. When everything is done, we say goodnight and Candace and I head up to my room to crash.

I wake up to the smell of Candace’s shower and the commotion from downstairs. I lie there for a moment, trying to fully wake up, when she walks out of the bathroom, dressed and looking amazing for so early in the morning.

Reaching out, I grab on to her arm and pull her on top of me. “Morning.”

She giggles and then wraps her arms around my neck, kissing me softly. Pulling back, she stares down at me, whispering, “Merry Christmas,” with a hint of a smile.

“I love you,” I tell her as I tangle my hands in her hair and bring her back down to my lips.

Remembering this day last year, I was at her house after her parents tossed her out the night before. She was upset and quiet, only wanting to come home with me to hide from everything going on in her life. And now . . . now she’s mine, and that day seems like years ago. She’s happy and content in my arms, with a whole new family that she fits into flawlessly. I’m happy to have another Christmas with her, and one that isn’t buried under so much darkness. Not that the darkness isn’t there, but the rim of light is promising.

“I’ll wait while you get ready,” she says as she shifts off of me.

After a quick shower, I toss on some clothes and we head downstairs into the madness.

“Uncle Ryan’s up!” Connor yells out with excitement, making Candace and me laugh, as if Christmas couldn’t start until I dragged myself down here.

“Morning, Mom.”

“Good morning. You better hurry and grab your coffee because these kids aren’t going to last much longer,” she says, walking out of the kitchen, stopping to kiss Candace on the cheek before going into the living room.

Candace and I grab our coffees and then head into the other room. I make myself comfortable on the floor as Candace sits on the couch behind me. I lean my head back and she plants a kiss on my forehead followed by a wide smile before Bailey plops down on my lap.

“Wyan,” she calls out, finally starting to get the hang of my name as she clings her tiny arms around my neck.

She squeals when I start blowing raspberry kisses on her neck.

“You ready to open presents?” I ask, and when her eyes widen as she nods, I call over to Trevor, “Find me a few for this princess.”

After opening several gifts with me, she trades me in for Candace’s lap. I sit next to them on the couch as she helps Bailey unwrap the tea set we bought her. They open gift after gift, and when a box wrapped in black paper lands on my lap with Candace’s name on it, I interrupt her and Bailey, teasing, “So you can buy me a gift, but I can’t get you anything?”

She shoots me a grin and then turns her attention back to Bailey as I peel back the paper to find that she bought me a big tintype kit for my camera.

“I saw you eying that tintype at the Metro Gallery,” she says to me.

“This is perfect.” I’ve been wanting to work with something a little bit different and for Candace to know that, picking up on the fact that I spent a little more time observing that piece than the others on display makes it clear how gelled we’ve become with each other.

“Candace,” Mom says as she walks up to us from behind the couch. “Ryan made me tuck this away.” She hands Candace the gift I ordered for her and was having my mom hang on to so that Candace wouldn’t find out.

She takes the small, wrapped box from my mom and then shakes her head as she mutters, “Ryan, I don’t . . .”

“Don’t worry. It isn’t for you.”

She gives me a confused look when I clarify, “It’s for Ana.”

Her smile is warm, and when Bailey hops off of her lap, she folds her legs underneath herself as she gently unwraps the paper. Pulling out the sleek, brown leather, designer cat collar, her smile grows, showing off her sexy dimple.

“The collar isn’t the real gift,” I tell her. “Look at the tag, babe.”

Laying her palm flat underneath the gold tag, she reads the name I had engraved on it: Tatiana Campbell.

“Campbell?” she questions slowly with a wary eye before asking, “So we’re keeping her?”

“We’re keeping her.”

She wraps her arms tightly around my neck, laughing with excitement. “Thank you.”

I laugh at her demeanor, planting a couple kisses below her ear, and when she pulls back to look at the collar again, Tori snatches it and teases, “This is a really nice leather collar.”

“I would have tied yarn around its neck, but I saw Candace drooling over this collar when she dragged me into some frou-frou pet store.”

Eying Candace, she cocks a brow at her. “Really?”

“Don’t make fun of me. I think it’s sophisticated,” she defends.

“That’s what’s so funny about this,” she jokes as she hands the collar back to her. “I’ve got to meet this cat if Ryan was willing to bestow his last name on her,” she jokes with laughter.

“You should see the small four-post bed Candace bought her. It’s ridiculous,” I tell Tori.

She turns back to Candace, and says, “So Ryan has a tiny four-post kitty bed in his bedroom?”

Candace nods her head with a grin and Tori adds, “God, I love what you’re doing to him.”

Narrowing my eyes at her, I defend, “She didn’t give me a choice. I came home from the bar one day and there it was.”

“Regardless, it’s still there.”

“It’s really cute,” Candace tells her, and I laugh when I reiterate, “It’s a four-post bed!”

“Oh my God, you guys,” Tori bursts out laughing, and we all join in, even Candace, at the absurdity of it all. But in the end, my girl is happy and that’s all that matters. She’s never had a pet, and she adores having Tatiana.

Once the living room is completely demolished and littered in paper, my mom has everyone get the kids dressed and ready for the day while I do a clean sweep of the place. Candace takes a moment to call Jase and check in with him and Mark.

“I got her and Jase a little something for Christmas,” Mom tells me as we take out all the trash.

“Mom—”

“I know, but I saw this cooking school that is down the street from your loft, and after seeing how much Jase likes to cook when he was here in July, I thought they would have fun taking a few lessons together.”

We start heading back inside when I turn to her and say, “She’s gonna love it. So will Jase. He’s been coming over whenever he has free time and has tried teaching her a few things.”

“Any luck?” she asks with a smile.

“We wind up going out,” I admit with a light chuckle. “Thanks, Mom.”

Walking back inside, Candace is standing over by the windows, looking out at the ocean. I step up from behind and slip my arms around her shoulders, resting my chin on top of her head. “Whatcha doing?”

“Just thinking.”

“About?”

“Last Christmas.”

Lifting my chin, I run my hands down her arms, and when she turns to face me, she says, “Thank you.”

“What for?”

She wraps her arms around my waist as I cradle her face. “For being so patient with me.”

“You may be slow to open up and hard to read, but you’re not the type of girl you wanna rush anything with. I want every slow second.”

When she lifts up onto her toes to kiss me, I pick her up off the floor as we seal our lips together, both realizing how far we’ve come since last year.

Candace and I decide to get bundled up and take a long walk down the beach alone, taking our time while the mist floats its way down from the dark, grey sky. We don’t talk much, just keep close, stealing kisses along the way. When we finally get back to the house, Candace stays with my mom for most of the day in the kitchen, cooking, while I hang out with the kids, keeping them busy and out of trouble.

After dinner, everyone is getting ready for bed when Candace and I decide to do a replay of last year. When everyone finally heads to bed, we pile a bunch of pillows and blankets onto the living room floor in front of the fireplace, and then find an old black and white to watch.

We lie down, and I snuggle her into my arms, but this time, I can kiss her whenever I want, so I do. We make it through ‘Swing Time,’ and I think this one makes it to the top of Candace’s favorites so far, but I figured it would since it’s a love story about dancers. She keeps glued to the TV, but when ‘I’ll Be Seeing You’ comes on next, our eyes drift from the screen to each other’s. It’s after midnight, and we begin to grow tired as we lie here face to face.

Candace slides her hand along my jaw before she presses her lips to mine. Running my hand down her back, I pull her in tight against me. She begins to bury her hands in my hair when I slip past her lips and revel in the sweet taste of her mouth. I fumble my hand in the blanket until I find the remote and shut off the TV, the only light coming from the burning logs in the fireplace.

I’m overwhelmed with her. Having her like this when a year ago I was so nervous around her. Now all I want is what we have. She’s given me everything I thought I never wanted. She’s given it in her own way, but the most perfect way for me. I used to be so disconnected and cold, but with her . . . she’s taught me how to be soft because I can’t be any other way with her. I never knew how much I needed that until I had her. It’s because of her that I no longer worry about the fears that plagued me throughout my life. She showed me what it meant to provide for someone else. She’s always been my priority. I never even had to think about it; she always was. And to see how happy she was today, I know I’m able to give her what she needs. That I can love, and I can do it well. It’s because of her that I’m the man I never thought I could be, and she makes it so easy to do.

I’m never gonna stop wanting her—I know that. From the broken girl in the coffee shop on that rainy Halloween night to the vibrant girl who owns that stage at McCaw Theater every time she dances, I want every version of her—forever. I’ve never known beauty until her. I’ve never known how good life could be until her.

As I slowly drag my lips away from hers, she opens her eyes as she rests her head next to mine on the pillow. She runs her small hand from my shoulder down to my chest where she keeps it, and I wrap my hand around hers. Her soft skin glows in the flicker of the fire as I stare into her hazel eyes, and I see everything I’ll ever want to see. It’s all within her. She holds every part of me, and it’s in this very moment that I feel it. It floods inside of me. A peace that only she can bring me.

No doubt. No questioning. No hesitation.

“Marry me.”