On Thursday nights, I took an art history class at Boston University, and Julie had evening office hours for people who could see her at no other time. Afterward we would usually meet for a glass of wine somewhere in Harvard Square near Julie’s office. Tonight we were at the bar in the new Harvest.
“I feel like all of a sudden I’m a mother,” I said to Julie. “It’s so exciting to be out by myself without Millicent.”
“Is she with Spike?”
“No, Richie. Spike’s working and Richie was coming by anyway to visit Rosie.”
Julie nodded.
“Out and about,” she said.
“You have real kids of your own,” I said. “But you must feel that way sometimes.”
“God yes,” Julie said. “Anytime I’m away from them. Except of course when I’m feeling that way I’m also feeling guilty that I’m feeling that way.”
“I know.”
“I wonder if fathers feel that way?”
“Well,” I said. “They have more of a tradition of being away from the kids, supporting them and all that.”
“I know,” Julie said. “But I swear Michael is a better mother than I am.”
“Maybe he’s just a good father,” I said.
“He seems to want to be with them all the time. He likes to take them with us when we go places.”
“Which makes you feel selfish and unloving,” I said.
“You bet.”
Julie finished her wine and gestured at the bartender for another glass.”
“You love the kids,” I said.
“Yes.”
“And Michael loves them.”
“Yes.”
“That’s all each of you can do,” I said. “Love them the way you can.”
“Sometimes I think it’s easier if you don’t love them.”
“It’s not,” I said.
The bartender brought Julie her wine. Julie studied me for a moment before she picked up her glass and drank.
“This thing with Millicent is riding you, isn’t it?” she said.
“Of course,” I said.
“Want to talk about it?”
“I thought you’d never ask. I’m trying to save her and the only way I can is to solve the crime she’s a part of, and I can’t solve it if I’m taking care of her all the time. And I can’t take the risks I would normally be willing to take, because all of a sudden I have to worry about her.”
“You’ve always had to worry about Rosie,” Julie said.
“Yes, but if something happened to me, Richie would take her and in a little while she’d be fine.”
“Dogs are good that way.”
“But who would take Millicent?” I said.
“She does have a mother and father,” Julie said.
“She can’t be with them,” I said.
Julie stared at her wine. The bar was crowded. The two bartenders were busy.
“And Richie can’t take her.”
“No. Why would he? He barely knows her.”
“That was true of you when you took her.”
I didn’t say anything.
“Wasn’t it?” Julie said.
“There was no one else to do it,” I said. “And it had to be done.”
I had a second glass of wine. Julie had a third.
“Too bad you and Richie can’t work it out,” Julie said.
“Maybe we will,” I said.
“Tell me again why you’re not together?”
“Well for one thing he won’t give up the family business.”
“And neither will you,” Julie said.
“Me?”
“How many people in your family have been cops?”
“Besides my father?”
“Un huh.”
“Two uncles, and my grandfather.”
“Un huh.”
“I’m not a cop.”
“Sure.”
“Always a damned therapist,” I said.
Julie was quiet.
“So maybe there’s some fault on both sides,” I said. “It still means that one of us needs to change to be with the other one.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
I shook my head.
“I can’t think about that now,” I said. “I have to figure out what to do with Millicent.”
“How about private school?”
“Private school costs a lot of money.”
“Maybe you can get money from the parents.”
“I can’t send her away now. She’s in too much danger.”
“Do you really think so?”
“I think when those men came to my door, they weren’t trying to take her back to her parents. I think they were going to kill her.”
“Because?”
“Because of what she saw,” I said.
“The man with her mother?”
“Yes. There are some big-league players involved.”
“And Richie can’t help you?”
“I don’t know if he can or can’t. But I’m pretty sure he shouldn’t.”
“Because you’re separated?”
“Yes. I won’t live with him, won’t sleep with him. But I can ask him to take care of me, help with anything I can’t handle myself?”
“You talk as if sleeping with someone were a tradeoff for something else,” Julie said.
“It just isn’t right for me to have it both ways.”
“What’s Richie think?” Julie said.
“I don’t know.”
“Maybe you should ask him,” she said.