Flight

Twelve

THIS IS WHAT IT feels like to be old.

After crashing headfirst off a horse into a campfire, and swinging two people onto the back of your pony with one arm, and all the excitement of outrunning killer soldiers with rifles, you have a few bruises and burns and scrapes and cuts and sore muscles.

In fact, after you ride fast and hard a mile or two into the trees, and think you have left behind your enemies, you need to slow down.

And when an old guy relaxes, when the fear juices leave his body, he is immediately reminded of exactly how old he is.

How old am I? How old is this body?

After I relax, my back seizes up. It goes completely stiff, like I’m made out of steel. And I fall off my pony.

I hit the ground and hurt my ribs. I think I might have cracked something. I can barely breathe.

Small Saint and Bow Boy are still on the horse. Small Saint has taken the reins and spins the pony back toward me.

There are sixteen tiny little men with sharp knives slashing my spine. I’m curled into a ball. And every time I try to straighten up, or even move or breathe, another tiny little guy shows up with a sharp knife.

If the soldiers caught up to us right now, I wouldn’t be able to defend myself. They could walk right up to me and I’d just be curled into a ball like a bug. And one of them, or all of them, would raise their boots and squish me.

I’m useless.

And then it’s over. My back relaxes. The knife-wielding little guys run away. And I can slowly straighten my back. I don’t want to stand up yet. I can still feel little tremors in my muscles, as if my body was just waiting and preparing for another big quake. Or for those little bastards to come back with chain saws.

So I lie on the ground and I look up at Small Saint and Bow Boy still on the pony. The Indian boy has curled into the white soldier. Has his little arms wrapped around the soldier’s neck. Bow Boy loves Small Saint like he was his father. Or his mother. Or both.

I remember I used to be like that little boy, holding tightly on to anybody who showed me even the tiniest bit of love. I haven’t been like that in a long time.

“Are you okay, sir?” Small Saint asks me.

“Define okay,” I say.

Small Saint smiles. He’s missing half his teeth. I guess dental care wasn’t a high priority in the nineteenth century.

“We can’t stay here long, sir,” Small Saint says. “They’re going to be coming after us. They’re not going to let us go.”

He’s right. I’m not a soldier, but I know that we just did about two million of the worst things any soldier can do. We disobeyed orders. I smacked a general in the face with a rifle. I might have killed him.

And I think I broke my rifle. I notice I’m still holding on to it. The rifle covered with buckskin and beads. It was an Indian warrior’s rifle; now it’s mine. I wonder if it works. Did I break it when I smashed it over the general’s head?

And how much I already love this weapon. It saved me. It saved Small Saint and Bow Boy. I didn’t have to fire a bullet to use it.

Even after falling off the pony, I kept hold of this rifle. An old soldier’s reflexes, I guess. Or maybe it’s because my hands are frozen shut from that arthritis stuff.

I’m not much of a hero.

Small Saint and I saved an Indian kid. That makes us traitors. And traitors are never, ever forgiven or forgotten.

“I just need to rest a few more minutes,” I say. “My back is fucked. I’m afraid it will knock me down again if I try to stand up too soon.”

I laugh at my accent. I’m trying to sound like me, but I can only sound like Irish Gus.

“I’m Irish,” I say.

“My granddaddy’s from there, sir,” Small Saint says.

Bow Boy doesn’t say anything.

“Are you about ready to get up, sir?” Small Saint says. He keeps looking back and listening hard. “They’re out there coming. I can feel them.”

“I think I might have broken a rib,” I say. “It hurts to breathe.”

“I know you’re hurting, sir,” Small Saint says. “I’m hurting. Indian boy’s hurting. We’re all hurting, sir, but we’re going to be hurting a lot more if they catch us.”

I know I should get up. I want to get up. But I can’t seem to find the willpower.

All I know is that I need to stand, shake off the pain and fear, get back on that pony, and ride away from here.

And I’m going to get up in a minute.

I’m going to stand in a second.

Any moment now.

Right now.

Pretty soon.

Any moment.

“Sir,” Small Saint says. “I hate to bother you again. But we really need to go now. Right now. I can hear them coming.”

I listen hard. I can’t hear anything. But I’ve got old ears. I’m tired and broken and beaten, and I don’t know if I can get up. Part of me wants to become a part of the dirt and grass.

Other soldiers are coming to kill me, and I can’t even find the courage or strength to stand up. I know that it would be easier to give up than to stand up. Easier for me.

But Bow Boy and Small Saint need me.

I need me.

So I roll over onto my stomach, onto my hands and knees, and push myself up. I’m on my feet. My back trembles. I can feel the little pain that wants to be bigger pain.

Come on, Gus! Toughen up!

I take a little step. I’m walking! I take a big step! I look around for my adoring audience. I feel like I need applause. I’m up and ready to go. I’m up and ready to run from the killers.

“All right, kid,” I say to Small Saint. “Let’s go.”

“You want to ride with us?” he asks.

“No, I think it’s better for my back if I walk.”

So Small Saint and Bow Boy ride the pony and I walk. And we begin our slow-motion escape.

With my old ears, I can hear the soldiers catching up to us.

“How far back you think they are?” I ask Small Saint.

“Maybe three miles, sir. Probably closer to two.”

“Can we outrun them?” I ask.

I know that Gus is supposed to be the experienced scout, but I’m not going to make guesses. This kid knows more than I do.

He’s thinking hard.

“Can we outrun them?” I ask again.

“Probably not, sir,” he says. “But we have to try.”

“How long before they catch us?”

“At this rate, ten-fifteen minutes, maybe.”

“All right, then,” I say, because I don’t know what else to say. And then I think to ask something else. “Hey, kid,” I say. “Why’d you do it?”

“Do what, sir?” Small Saint asks.

“Why’d you save the Indian boy?”

Small Saint thinks for a moment. “I joined the military to defend people,” he said. “And that’s what I’m doing right now.”

I will never be as good or as brave as this kid.

I try to walk faster, and then I jog a bit. My knees and back are hurting. But I pick up the pace. I’m trying to replace Gus’s old body with my young spirit.

I’m trying to replace Gus’s knees with my knees.

And so Small Saint pushes the pony to a slow trot. And I’m pushing Gus to a slow trot. And we go.

I know I won’t be able to keep up this pace. I know this chase is unfair. But we have to run. We have to keep running.

And so we run.

Behind us, the curses and hoofbeats of the cavalry. Ahead of us, who knows?

Behind us, death.

And so we run.

And then I trip over a fallen branch and fall beside it. My back seizes up again. I curl. And I scream.

“Sir!” Small Saint shouts. “Sir! Are you okay?”

All I can do is scream. The pain is so huge, like a thousand little men are digging a train tunnel through my back.

Please, please, make the pain stop.

“Sir!” Small Saint shouts. “Sir! What should I do?”

The soldiers are so close now, I imagine I can smell them. I smell gunpowder and sweat and blood and hate.

“Go!” I yell. “Run!”

“But what about you, sir!” Small Saint shouts. “I wont leave a man behind, sir!”

“You have to! Go! Go!”

“No, sir! No, sir!”

I can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s ready to make his stand here. That he will fight a million soldiers to save the Indian boy.

But this is not supposed to be his end.

There are two children riding that pony. They’re supposed to be children and stay children for as long as possible.

“You have to save him!” I shout. “Save the kid!”

And now Small Saint understands. He knows he might escape if he leaves me behind. He knows he has a better chance. It’s a horrible choice to make, but he must make it.

“I’ll hold them off,” I say. “I’ll buy you more time.”

How crazy. I can’t even uncurl my back and I’m going to fight charging cavalry soldiers?

“Go,” I say. “Please.”

It’s the please that does it. Funny how a little politeness can change people’s minds.

Small Saint salutes me and then he’s off, galloping at full tilt, to disappear into the dark trees.

I’m lying alone.

The soldiers ride closer and closer.

In great pain, I roll over on my stomach, and then crawl to a log. My cover. I brace my rifle on the log. I don’t even know if this old Indian rifle works anymore. But I’m going to try.

I take careful aim at the tree line.

The cavalry roars closer and closer, just minutes and seconds away.

I take careful aim. Then I laugh. This journey started when I shot a bunch of strangers in a bank. A horrible, evil act. And now I’m lying in the dirt, getting ready to shoot a bunch of other strangers. This time in self-defense and in defense of the two boys who are riding farther and farther away from me.

Is there really a difference between that killing and this killing? Does God approve of some killing and not other killing? If I kill these soldiers so that Small Saint and Bow Boy can escape, does that make me a hero?

I don’t know. How am I supposed to know? I don’t even have a good guess.

I take careful aim at the trees. In my fear, I realize the trees look like people. Giants. An audience of eager giants. All waiting for the show.

Me versus the soldiers.

I take careful aim at the dozen soldiers who crash into my view. They see me and curse and laugh. They are happy to have caught me. They ride hard toward me.

The general is with them. His face a mass of bloody bandages.

I take careful aim. I don’t know if I have the heart to kill them. Isn’t that odd? I once filled a room with bullets. I shot people who would never do me harm. And now I’m not sure I can shoot at the men who plan to kill me.

I hear screaming. I realize it is me screaming.

I hear weeping. I realize it is me weeping.

I close my eyes.