For The Sake Of His Child

CHAPTER SEVEN

ALL this time Dan had been keeping in touch, regularly asking her for a date, but she’d put him off, using Joey as an excuse. But when the boy had been home for ten days Carson said, ‘Dan called you again today. I shouldn’t monopolise you the way I’ve been doing. Call him back and say you’ll go out.’

‘How will you manage alone with Joey?’

‘Well enough. We can practise signs and he can have a good laugh at my expense. It’s a pity you won’t be here to see that.’

‘Don’t worry,’ she said mischievously. ‘He’ll tell me all about it later.’

He grinned. ‘I’ll bet.’

His smile was cordial but it didn’t invite her in. It never did, these days.

The morning after their talk he’d said casually, ‘I had a drop too much last night. It always makes me come out with nonsense. That’s why I don’t do it often. Did I say much?’

‘Hardly anything,’ she’d assured him. ‘You were half asleep.’

‘Fine. Fine.’ And the matter was closed.

Encouraged by the generous wage Carson was paying her, on top of her salary from Renshaw Baines, she splashed out on a new dress. She had her doubts as soon as she got it home. It was pale yellow chiffon, floaty and glamorous, and she couldn’t imagine where Dan was likely to take her that would justify it.

It wasn’t a Dan sort of dress at all, she realised as she paraded in front of the hall mirror, her own room being too small for parading. It was designed to bring out the depth of her eyes and the auburn glow of her hair, and he was too used to her to observe either. This was a dress for a man whose attention she wanted to claim so completely that he would forget all other women.

Joey sat on the stairs watching her. Laughing, she gave him a twirl and he made the sign for ‘pretty’.

‘Thank you, kind sir,’ she said, curtseying before him.

‘What did he say?’ Carson was standing in the doorway, watching them. His eyes made her feel self-conscious. That happened often now, ever since the night he’d told her about Brenda, or before, when he’d turned to her in his anguish at the hospital. But then he’d turned away again.

‘Oh-he likes it,’ she said vaguely.

Joey signed the word again.

‘Spell it for me,’ Carson told him. Joey did so. ‘Pretty? Right? Yes, Gina is very pretty.’ Joey spelled vigorously. ‘Very, very pretty,’ Carson amended. ‘Yes, she is. I think so too.’

He made a circular motion with his hand, and she twirled again. ‘My son has good judgement,’ he observed, his eyes on her. ‘Very, very, very pretty.’

‘Thank you,’ she said, smiling and agitated together. Now she knew why she’d bought this flattering creation.

The truth was there as she regarded the vision in the mirror. And vision was the word. The elegant hair, the beautifully applied make-up. That had never been done for Dan and his spark plugs. In fact, Dan never noticed what she was wearing. But Carson noticed. She felt as though the breath had been knocked out of her.

The doorbell made her jump. Please don’t let it be Dan, she thought. She needed time to come to terms with her feelings.

But it was Dan. There was only a moment to pull herself together, but she did her best. Of course Carson had become important to her, she reasoned. She shared his roof, was involved with his life and his saddest secrets. A few hours in the fresh air of Dan’s company would dispel the illusion that it was anything more.

Dan’s eyes widened as he saw the lovely gown. And for once, she thought with relief, he’d noticed how she was dressed. He was even moved to comment.

‘I say, you’ve glammed up a bit, haven’t you? We’re only going dog-racing, you know.’

‘Dog-racing?’ Carson enquired innocently.

‘I thought we were having dinner,’ Gina said in dismay.

‘There’s a restaurant overlooking the track where we can get a bite.’

‘I’ll go and change,’ she said at once.

‘No, don’t do that. Time’s running on and I don’t want to miss the first race. You’ll do as you are. Get your coat.’

As he closed the door behind them Carson looked at Joey. The boy might not be able to hear, but his father could tell that he’d picked up the atmosphere.

Their eyes met in a moment of pure masculine communication, for which no words or signs were needed.

What on earth does she see in him?

‘You’re doing a great job, I’ll give you that,’ Dan conceded generously. ‘Have some more of this pie and peas. It’s great.’

Gina adjusted a floaty end of chiffon so that it was out of danger. Pie and peas.

They’d found a place at the restaurant high over the track, with a window on one side, through which they could watch the races. Dan had bet on every race, won two, lost one, and was in good spirits.

‘How do you know I’m doing a great job?’ Gina asked. ‘You barely saw Joey.’

‘I meant with his father. Got him where you want him. He doubled his order with my firm today.’

‘Did he, indeed?’ she mused.

‘Look, I know what you’re thinking.’

‘Bet you don’t,’ she said with an unconscious return to their childhood camaraderie.

‘Bet I do. You’re thinking he’s only keeping me sweet to keep you doing his bidding.’

This was so exactly what she thought that she was reduced to silence. Dan was in a perceptive mood tonight. But then, Dan was always perceptive where spark plugs were concerned.

‘They’re good plugs, Gina. All I ask is the chance to prove it, and that’s what you’re giving me. I appreciate it. It can’t be easy working as his unpaid nursemaid.’

‘Not unpaid. He pays me on top of my salary from the firm. How do you think I could afford this dress?’

Down below, a race was about to start. Dan managed to tear his attention away long enough to study the beautiful garment.

‘Hmm, yes. I can see it cost a packet. Pity to waste money, though. You could have-look, they’re ready to start!’

‘Dan-’

‘Hang on, darling! I’ve got a bet on Silver Lad.’

For the next few minutes he was lost to her. And when Silver Lad had romped home it was hard to get him to talk about anything but his winnings. By the time she’d brought him back to the matter in hand the dogs were being led out for the next race.

‘It’s my lucky night. I’ve got a bet on Slyboots, the black dog on the far side. He’s the favourite and the odds are only four to five, but never mind.’

‘Yes, let’s forget Slyboots. We have other things to think about. Dan, you’re really extraordinary.’

‘Am I, darling? That’s very nice of you.’

‘I mean, anyone else would kick up a fuss about my sharing a house with another man, but you don’t turn a hair.’

‘Well, there’s nothing in it, is there?’

‘No, there isn’t,’ she said with a little constraint. ‘But why are you so sure?’

‘Because I know you. You’d never even think of him in that way. You’re doing this for us, and we make a fabulous team. They’re dead pleased with me at work for landing such a big fish. I’m in line for a bonus, so maybe it’s time we started planning the future.’

‘The future?’

‘Our future. Pipe and slippers, all that. Hey, they’re off!’

She stared at him. ‘Dan, is that a proposal?’

‘What?’

She shouted to get his attention. ‘Is that a proposal?’

Above the din she had to lip-read his answer. ‘If you like.’

I don’t like, she thought crossly. I don’t want to be proposed to over pie and peas, by a man who’s giving half his attention to whether the favourite is going to come in at four to five.

But this was Dan, who hadn’t changed since she’d known him. He was still the same well-meaning, emotionally dense dinosaur he’d always been. It was she who had changed. What had been enough once wasn’t enough now.

He drove her home in a state of euphoria at having had four winners. He didn’t seem to notice that she hadn’t answered his proposal-such as it was. Perhaps he thought no answer was needed.

As they drew up outside the house Gina braced herself to say what she must. For this was where Dan would kiss her goodnight, and she knew that she couldn’t let him do it. She didn’t want Dan’s lips on hers, or any man’s, except-

‘The lights are on. He’s still up,’ he said. ‘Let’s get in quickly, then you slip away and make us some coffee so that I get a real chance to talk to him.’

As she let them both into the house she could just see Carson through the open door of his office. The sound of the door made him look up, and he came out into the hall. Amid the conventional remarks about a pleasant evening, Gina noticed Joey peering through the banisters at her.

‘That’s the fifth time he’s been down to see if you’re back,’ Carson said.

‘Why don’t you go and put him back to bed, darling?’ Dan said promptly.

And give Dan his chance, she thought. But there was no resisting the delight in Joey’s face, so she mounted the stairs, smiling, to receive his ecstatic, relieved welcome.

Left alone with a determined Dan, Carson bowed to the inevitable and shepherded him into the kitchen for coffee.

‘So, you had a good evening?’

‘Great time. Won a packet.’

‘And Gina?’

‘She had a couple of winners, too.’

‘I meant, did she enjoy herself?’

‘Oh, yes. That’s the great thing about Gina. Easy to please. Never makes trouble.’

‘Yes, that would be a great advantage in a woman,’ Carson said, eyeing him oddly. He had no fear that Dan would notice the tension in his voice, and he was right.

‘That’s what I say. Gina and I make a good team. In fact, I said so to her tonight, and she agreed. Well, it’s time we were settling things.’

Carson paused, his hand halfway to the coffee pot. ‘You mean-?’

‘Bound to get hitched, one day. Been on the cards for years. Never wanted anyone else. She’s a dear little thing.’

‘Yes,’ Carson murmured.

He placed two cups on the table. It gave him something to do with his hands. Then the sugar, the milk. Pour the coffee. Do something. Keep busy. Anything to hide the fact that he’d just been badly shaken up.

‘Thought I’d take her out to buy a ring. Not that I go much for that sort of fiddle-faddle, but girls seem to like it. Tomorrow evening is all right with you, is it?’

‘Perfectly all right,’ Carson said coolly.

When Gina came down she found the two men discussing business in the kitchen. Carson was at his most urbane, flattering Dan with attention.

‘I’m grateful to you for being understanding about Gina’s presence here. My son’s needs are so great-’

‘Poor little tyke,’ Dan said with automatic sympathy. ‘If he needs Gina, of course she must stay.’

‘Exactly,’ Carson agreed. ‘She’s trying to give Joey the kind of perfect care and understanding her own mother gave her.’

Dan gave a yelp of laughter. ‘Perfect care and understanding? Whatever gave you that idea?’

‘Well, I know she died when Gina was very young, but-’

‘And before she died she was useless. Lost interest in the poor kid after it happened. Isn’t that right, darling?’

‘I-don’t remember,’ she said unsteadily.

‘Well, I do. My mum got really mad on your behalf. Said she couldn’t understand how any mother-’

‘Excuse me,’ Gina said hurriedly, and fled the room.

She hardly knew where she was going. Tears blurred her eyes, and she felt as though she’d been slashed with knives. How could Dan have said something so insensitive, when he must realise how painful those memories were for her?

But of course, he didn’t realise. Dan never understood how anybody felt about anything.

With a huge effort she pulled herself together. Dan had followed her, puzzled and hearty.

‘What’s up, darling? Not like you to throw a wobbly.’

‘No, I’m so reliable, aren’t I?’ she said with a touch of bitterness.

‘Pardon?’

‘Nothing. I’m just tired. Thank you for a lovely evening, Dan.’

‘Wasn’t bad, was it? Better than all that fancy stuff.’

‘A plain man,’ Carson said from behind him. ‘A man after my own heart. You and I must get together some time soon and discuss that new plug you were telling me about-’

As he spoke he was guiding Dan remorselessly to the door. Dan never knew quite how he found himself outside without claiming a goodnight kiss from Gina. But before he could protest the front door was closed.

Carson returned to the kitchen, where Gina was now washing up the coffee cups.

‘Leave that,’ he told her.

‘No trouble. I like things to be tidy before I go to bed,’ she said brightly.

‘I said leave it. Let’s talk.’

‘Nothing to talk about.’

‘After that, there’s nothing to talk about?’ he demanded in outrage.

‘If you mean that I deceived you-I’m sorry.’

‘Deceived me?’

‘I suppose I rather gave the impression that my mother was perfect-and that’s how I knew what Joey needed-’

‘The hell with that! Gina, will you put those things away?’

‘Yes, I’ve finished now. I’m going to bed.’

‘Not yet. Let me pour you a brandy. You look as if you’ve had a nasty shock.’

‘I’m fine, honestly.’

He took hold of her arms. ‘Then why are you trembling?’

‘I’m not-I’m just tired-’

She would have run away but he was still holding her firmly. The feel of his hands on her bare skin was unnerving, but not as unnerving as the gentleness with which he said, ‘Tell me about it, Gina.’

‘There’s nothing to tell,’ she said desperately. ‘She’s dead. It was all a long time ago-’

He let his hands fall. ‘I see,’ he said in a hard voice.

Something in it alerted her. ‘What do you see?’

‘It’s all right for you to listen to my problems, but when I ask about yours it’s stand-off time.’

‘No, it isn’t like that-’

‘You’ve seen things about my life that I’ve shown to nobody else. It’s not nice to be kept at a distance after that. In fact, it’s pretty patronising.’

‘I’m not-’

‘I’m supposed to trust you, but you don’t trust me. I thought we were friends. If I didn’t think that I wouldn’t have confided in you as much as I have. Apparently it’s all one-way.’ He spoke sharply to conceal the hurt that had taken him by surprise.

Her voice shook. ‘There’s really nothing to tell. Nothing at all. Now I’m going to bed.’

She wrenched herself free and almost ran up the stairs to get away from him. Carson watched her go, bitterly, wondering what had come over him in the last few minutes.

Be damned to her! What right did she have to insinuate herself into Joey’s heart, then go off and marry that oaf? If that was all the taste she had…!

He poured himself a large whisky. He needed it.

The house had been transformed since she’d filled it with her laughter and warmth. And now she planned to vanish, leaving an emptiness behind that he-that Joey-would find painful. It had been bearable before she came, but it wouldn’t be bearable now. Better never to have known her than suffer like this.

He had a pile of work to do. For an hour he tried to settle to it, but she’d destroyed his concentration. Another black mark against her! The sooner she left the better. Then they would all know where they stood.

At last Carson gave up the pretence of working. His head was aching again from an evening that had been an unexpected strain. He didn’t bother to turn on the hall light, but climbed the stairs in the darkness. On the top step he nearly stumbled over something.

‘Gina, what are you doing sitting on the stairs?’

‘I don’t know.’ She gave a sniff and blew her nose. ‘I was going to come down for a drink, then I changed my mind. At least, I nearly did. Then I wasn’t sure. So I sat down while I decided. That was ten minutes ago-I think.’

‘You’re babbling,’ he said kindly.

‘Yes, I suppose I am.’

He sat down beside her. In the poor light from the landing window he could just see that she’d taken off the lovely dress and put on a cheap cotton dressing gown. It was lucky she was used to counting her blessings, he thought, in a kind of rage, because when she’d married Dan she’d be wearing cheap dressing gowns for the rest of her life.

Then she sniffed again and his rage died. ‘Have you been crying?’

‘If I said no, would you believe me?’

‘No.’

‘Then I have.’

‘Because of me? Because I was unkind to you? I’m sorry for those things I said.’

‘No, it’s not you. It’s-it’s everything.’

‘Dan, dragging your unhappy memories into the light?’

‘Mmm!’

‘He shouldn’t have done that. It was insensitive of him.’

‘Oh, Dan’s all right. He means well, but he just says the first thing that comes into his head.’

‘Even if it hurts people?’

‘Well, I suppose I’m making too much of it. It was a long time ago.’

‘But she was your mother.’

‘Yes, she was,’ Gina said huskily. ‘And I didn’t understand why she suddenly couldn’t bear to look at me. I was ill, and when I got better I was deaf, and it was like I’d changed into a different person. I kept thinking, one day I’d get it right, and she’d be pleased. Only, then she died-’

She’d been trying not to cry, but suddenly the grief of years overwhelmed her and she dropped her head and sobbed, an inconsolable child again. Carson slipped an arm around her shoulders, and felt them heave. Somewhere deep inside him he was cursing, though whether he was cursing Dan, Gina’s mother, Joey’s mother, or simply himself for being so useless to comfort her, he didn’t know. He only knew that she was unhappy, and somebody ought to be made to pay.

He drew her against him, putting his other arm around her, so that her head fitted against his shoulder, and he rested his cheek against it.

‘I’ll never get it right now,’ Gina choked. ‘My last memories of her are all of how angry she used to get because I couldn’t work out what she wanted. She used to shout at me-I couldn’t hear but I knew she was shouting by the way she tensed up-and there was a terrible hostile look in her eyes, as though I were being stupid on purpose. If people came, she told me to stay out of sight-’

‘Dear God!’ Carson said with soft violence.

‘One day, when I was ten, she got terribly impatient. And the more impatient she was, the more I got it wrong. In the end she stormed out of the house. I felt so wicked, but I didn’t know what I’d done. I sat on the stairs, making plans about how it would be when she came back-how we’d try again, and I’d get it right this time.

‘But she never came back. She collided with a lorry and was killed outright. I thought it was my fault.’

Carson tightened his arms about her, beyond speech.

‘I haven’t remembered all this for years,’ she said at last. ‘It was there, but I wouldn’t look at it. And when my father didn’t cope very well either I suppose I balanced that by building her up in my mind. You can tell yourself all sorts of comforting lies about people who aren’t there.’

He rested his cheek against her hair. ‘Yes,’ he murmured, half to himself. ‘That’s true enough.’

Gina sighed. ‘It wasn’t really her fault. I think she was a light-hearted person who enjoyed a good time. When things didn’t turn out that way, it threw her.’

‘Thousands of mothers cope,’ Carson said, angry for her again. ‘Why must you let her off the hook?’

‘Maybe because it hurts less that way.’ She made a valiant effort to pull herself together. ‘I’m all right,’ she said huskily, dabbing her eyes. ‘I don’t know what came over me to act like that.’

‘Some wounds don’t heal,’ Carson said. ‘And if we try to pretend they have that only makes it worse, somehow.’

‘Yes,’ she whispered, thinking of the woman who had left him wounded and unable to heal.

‘You’ve been strong for Joey, and for me,’ Carson went on. ‘But who’s strong for you?’

‘There have been people who’ve helped. Mrs Braith, Dan’s mother, who taught me signing. She was kind, and he used to look after me a lot when we were children.’

Carson’s eyes hardened at the thought of Dan, her chosen husband, who would let her down again and again. He enfolded her more closely in his arms, wishing he knew what to say. But did he show up any better than the people who’d failed her? Wasn’t that failure exactly what she had recognised in him?

Then he felt her arms creeping around him, as though she found a kind of comfort in the warmth of his body. He stroked her hair, feeling how slight she was against his powerful frame. It was her spirit that was strong.

Tough, she’d said, only a short time ago. But it was the wrong word. She had the strength of finely spun tensile steel, but she could be hurt and broken with a word.

‘I guess you’ve got a good deal to cry about,’ he said.

‘Oh, I don’t cry any more-well, not really. I got all that over years ago.’

He lifted her chin and brushed a tear from her cheek. ‘Is that so? Now you just dry other people’s tears.’

She managed a tremulous smile, and Carson drew a sharp breath at the sight.

‘It’s all right,’ he said softly. ‘Everything’s going to be all right.’ He didn’t know what the words meant, only that he had to say something.

Gina heard him, not just in her ears but in her bones. Every part of her seemed to respond to that assurance of comfort and safety. She wanted to remain enfolded in his arms like this for ever, enjoying the sweet warmth creeping through her, until there was nothing else.

Carson stayed looking down into her face, feeling as though he was held in a dream. It was the night of her engagement to another man, and he had no right to kiss her. But while his conscience was arguing his lips were pressing themselves against hers.

Her mouth was wide and curved, generous to match her heart, and somehow just the right shape for his own mouth. It had been winter in his life for so long that the coming of spring was a shock, making his blood sing and his rational mind take a holiday.

For Gina, with only Dan for comparison, Carson’s kiss came as a revelation. She hadn’t known that a man’s lips could be so subtle, so skilful, or that it was possible to be so completely lost in sensation. His mouth was gentle, teasing her from one caress to another, so that she responded without thinking.

She’d yearned for this since the night he fell asleep on the sofa and she’d looked longingly at his mouth. It was forbidden fruit, and all the sweeter for it. This was why she couldn’t let Dan kiss her again.

She no longer had any power of thought, or even any desire to think. She wanted this, and every passing moment, every movement of his lips, made her want it more. She wanted other things, too, things to do with the feeling of danger at the thinness of her nightdress and her nakedness beneath.

She was trembling with the awakening of new life. His lips were thrilling but they weren’t enough. She desired his hands too, and his whole body pressed against hers, uniting with hers.

She slipped her arm about his neck and drew him closer, inviting him to explore her more intimately. Somehow his tongue was in her mouth, setting off sensations that were intense and glorious. She gave herself up to them joyfully, aching for the intimacy of his touch, her heart beating wildly. She felt his arms tighten about her and the power flowing from his body to hers.

Wherever his tongue flicked against the inside of her mouth, it set off new flares of feeling. She hadn’t known that a man’s touch could make a woman feel like that, as though she would do anything-break any rule-to make him hers.

She melted against him, letting his arms support her while her hands discovered the strong column of his neck, the breadth of his chest. She felt giddy, lying there in the darkness, barely able to see him, but feeling him with every part of her.

It was like the time she’d knelt beside him on the sofa, and his breath had brushed her mouth. She was so alive to Carson that he had only to touch her in one place to touch her everywhere. The electric sensation of his mouth against hers was reflected over her skin, her breasts, her loins.

Carson was too experienced a lover not to sense that Gina was on the verge of total surrender. His pulses leapt and his kisses grew deeper, more urgent and intense. In a moment he would carry her to bed, and she would let him because his skilled caresses had overcome her will.

To hell with Dan! A man had no right to a woman if he couldn’t keep her.

But the thought of Dan was fatal. To Carson he might seem an oaf, but to Gina he was the man she’d chosen-heaven alone knew why!

The struggle with himself was terrible, but he won. Gina had brought him priceless gifts, and he couldn’t repay her by overcoming her when she was at her most vulnerable.

Gina could feel his breath coming harshly, sense his heart beating strongly. His arms were relaxing their hold; he was drawing away. Now she was eager to see his face and find in it some reflection of her own joy.

But when she saw it her heart sank. It was full of caution and dismay, like that of a man who was asking himself how he could have been so stupid. A chill ran through her.

‘Perhaps that wasn’t a good idea,’ he said unsteadily. ‘I wouldn’t like you to think-I wanted to make you feel better, but I guess I chose the wrong way.’

Gina tried to collect her scattered thoughts. Through the singing in her blood she was vaguely aware that Carson was uttering words that denied what had just happened between them. But he couldn’t be. It was too beautiful and poignant to be denied.

He was disengaging himself. ‘Please don’t worry, Gina. I know you’re very vulnerable in this house, and I won’t be forcing myself on you.’

‘Carson, I don’t-’

‘After all, I understand how things are between you and Dan-I just don’t want you to be worried.’

‘I’m not,’ she said in a colourless voice. ‘You were just trying to make me feel better.’

‘Yes,’ he said quickly. ‘That was it. I went a little too far. Don’t hold it against me, for Joey’s sake.’

‘Of course not.’ To her own surprise her voice came out sounding normal. ‘I-I think I’d better go to bed now.’

‘Yes,’ he said hastily. ‘Me too.’

How anxious he was to get away from her! she thought sadly. How stupid the dreams of a moment ago seemed now! She bid him a hasty goodnight and fled to her room.