Forever with You

Chapter Twelve

The drive back to the penthouse was the longest I’d ever been on.

I’d left Mirabelle’s at the same time Stacy had. Once again, she’d said she’d email me the file and once again I thanked her. Then she headed toward the subway and I slipped into the back of the Maybach. My hands were sweaty as I fastened my seat belt, but my heart was also beating with anticipation.

It didn’t escape me that I was reacting like an addict getting her first fix in months. And wasn’t that exactly what I was doing? The romantic obsessive girl about to indulge in compulsive snooping?

It was only Jordan and me in the car—Reynold had the afternoon off—and I’d intended to go back to the club for a while after Mira’s. But I knew I’d be too consumed with the video to work. And watching it in a private location seemed like the best move.

Four p.m. on Monday in NYC, though, is rush hour. Getting from Greenwich Village to Uptown was a nightmare. I busied myself with trying to figure out how to set my email up on my phone—why hadn’t I thought that was a good idea before now? But I couldn’t focus enough on the steps to make it happen.

Instead, my mind buzzed with questions. So many questions beyond what was on the video. Like, how had Stacy happened to make a video in the first place? If it had been made with her phone, wouldn’t she have been able to send it by phone? Was she carrying around a video camera and then just happened to tape this…this…whatever it was? Why did she think this particular moment was even worthy of preserving?

Which led to the question, what about the video made Hudson want it destroyed? That was a big one, the reason I’d ended up pursuing getting a copy for myself.

And then there was Stacy’s comment about Hudson wooing people. She’d said it as if he had wooed her. Hudson had sworn they’d only had the one date. It was this detail that intrigued me the most. Because even if all the video ended up being was proof that his relationship with Stacy had been one of his scams, he’d at the very least lied to me about the extent of his interaction with her. That pardoned me from whatever trust of his I was about to break, didn’t it?

I hadn’t promised I wouldn’t see the video, I reasoned. I’d told him I didn’t have to. Well, things had changed. And now I did have to. No promise broken, simply a new set of circumstances.

That’s what I convinced myself, anyway.

At the penthouse, I was out of the car before Jordan could open my door. “Remember to set the alarm,” he called after me. That was the arrangement. When I was at the penthouse alone, Jordan or Reynold would wait outside until I’d set the security system. Then they’d get an automatic text showing a secured status and they’d leave. At the moment, Celia was the least of my concerns, but in general, it was nice knowing that even though I was protected, I still had some semblance of privacy.

Once inside, I set the alarm, ran to the library to get my laptop, and settled in on the couch. I muttered to myself as my email seemed to take longer than usual to load, and then held my breath while I scanned my inbox.

There it was. My only unread message. From StacySBrighton.

I clicked the email open.

There was a short paragraph above the video attachment. Eager as I was, I began the download then returned to read it.

Alayna,

As I said, I’m done with this now. Take or leave this information as you wish. In case you want to know the circumstances of the footage, I’ll tell you this: Hudson had asked me to meet him for coffee. I’d shown up and found him like this. I shot them with my phone before he saw me. Later, I transferred it to my computer and I got a new phone, which was why I couldn’t send it to you that way.

Anyway. Here it is.

Stacy

At least she’d answered one of my questions. But Hudson asking to meet her for coffee? More and more I was sure what I was going to find—Hudson playing a game on his sister’s assistant. It was heartbreaking. For Hudson, for Stacy…and what about Mira? I wondered what she knew about it all.

My computer popped up with a message that my download was complete. My hand paused above my keyboard as, for half a second, I considered not watching. Once I saw it, I could never un-see it. What if it was something that embarrassed him? Was it fair that I see the worst of him? What if Hudson had learned my deepest darkest mistakes? How would that make me feel?

But he already had learned them. He’d gone behind my back before he’d ever really spoken to me, read my police record, done his own research. And in the end, he was still with me. How was this any different?

I wouldn’t know until I saw it.

My finger clicked the file open. I enlarged the picture to full-screen. Then I sat back and watched.

The video swept across a building as it moved to focus on its subjects. Then it settled on the back of a head. It didn’t matter that I only could see hair and shoulders—I knew that hair. Knew the color and the texture by heart. I even knew that suit jacket. A dark blue Ralph Lauren. Not one of my favorites but definitely familiar.

Hudson’s head swiveled slightly one way then the other. He was kissing someone—making out with her. His body completely hid the other person. All I could see of the woman were her small hands wrapped around his neck.

Jealousy wracked my body. I couldn’t help it. Sure, it was before I knew him, but this was my man, my love, kissing someone else. If Stacy had come to meet him, thinking they were about to go on a date—well, that explained why she’d been upset.

Then the kiss ended. And for a moment I was thrilled.

But he moved away, and there she was—her face flushed, her lips plump from the kiss, her blonde hair wrapped tightly into the chignon that was typical of her style.

I felt the blood drain from my face. Hudson and Celia. I’d thought about the possibility before, but seeing it for real was much worse than I could have ever imagined. So much worse.

The video kept on. Celia reached out to straighten Hudson’s tie. He shooed her away, turning more fully to the camera. Now I could focus on his face. His expression made my gut wrench—he was smiling, laughing almost. Something he’d done so rarely before he’d met me. At least, that’s what I’d come to believe about him. It was that happy, carefree expression that made it impossible for me to excuse the kiss as being one-sided. They’d both been into it.

Then, when she started to walk away, he pulled her back into another kiss. Slower, sweeter.

The video ended there.

Thankfully. Because any more and I was going to throw up. Except that didn’t stop me from pushing play again.

I pulled my legs up to my chest as I watched this time. Each second of their kiss, my chest tightened in anguish. It would have been cliché to say my heart was breaking. As if it could actually tear apart from emotional pain and still allow a person to live. How trite.

Besides, it didn’t feel like that. It felt like a vise-grip. Constricting. Like someone had taken the organ from my chest and squeezed.

All the times I’d asked, all the times he’d denied...

But if it had been a scam, a scam on Stacy—my hopes lifted for a moment as I reasoned that scenario. Maybe the kiss wasn’t real. Maybe it had all been Celia and Hudson playing a game together. He’d never said he’d involved Celia in his charades, but knowing that she was also a player, wasn’t it a good possibility?

It was marginally better. They’d still been kissing, but it meant he hadn’t lied to me about their relationship. It meant they’d never truly been together.

It took the third time viewing the video before I realized the flaw in that theory. When I’d seen it enough to be able to catch the details and not just be focused on the kiss. Hudson had said his scheming had been over for some time before he met me. That he’d been in therapy and had been on the wagon, so to say.

But the sign on the building behind them—it was for the Stern Symposium. That had been the night of my presentation. The night Hudson saw me for the first time. The night he said he knew that I was special.

The night that began everything for me and Hudson, he’d been kissing Celia Werner.

Either he was still scheming when he met me or he’d been dating her. Either way, he’d lied.

Having an alcoholic parent, I’d chosen to never use liquor to settle my emotions. My addictions were of a totally different nature. But the emotions boiling inside of me needed something stronger. I went to the library bar and reached for a shot glass and a bottle of tequila.

“Here you are.”

When Hudson found me almost an hour later, I was outside on the balcony, looking out over the railing. I’d intended to be shit-faced by the time he got home, but had only managed four shots. For me that was enough to make me impaired.

But it hadn’t been enough to stop the throbbing ache in my chest.

I glanced at him over my shoulder. I’d prepared several speeches, but at the sight of him, they all left me. “I didn’t realize you were home.”

I turned back to the view. It was far less devastating than looking at the man who’d betrayed me.

“I am.” In my periphery, I saw him move up beside me. “You don’t come out here very often.”

I shrugged. “It scares me.” I was cold to him—my tone, my entire demeanor. There was no way he missed it.

Tentatively, he attempted to figure it out. “You’re afraid of heights?”

“Not really. It’s falling that scares me.” I gave a small laugh as I realized the relation of the fear to the feeling I was experiencing at the moment. “It’s actually thrilling to be out here. Being so high up, feeling so untouchable, the wind rushing at you from below. I can see why so many people are intrigued by the idea of flying. Problem is, no matter how good the flight, you always have to come back down eventually. And lots of times, that return is a free fall.”

“You’re waxing poetic tonight.” His frown was apparent in his voice.

“Am I?” I gathered up my strength and turned to look at him. “I suppose so.”

Hudson smiled and took a step in my direction, his arms reaching for me.

I stepped away, or more like stumbled away.

He grabbed my arm to catch me. My eyes latched on to where his hand grasped. It felt like my skin was burning under his touch, and not in the amazing way that it usually burned, but in a way that left me wondering if I’d be scarred for life. Hell, he’d touched me everywhere in our time together—would all of my body be scarred?

At least my outside would match my inside.

Hudson leaned in to help me steady. He smelled it then, how could he not? “Have you been drinking?”

I pulled my arm away. “Is that a problem?”

“Of course not. You just don’t usually drink. You’re full of all sorts of surprises this evening.”

“Ah. Surprises. It’s certainly a day for that.”

“Have there been others?”

“There have.” I brushed past him to get inside. I was done with the small talk. There were things to be said, and saying them outside wasn’t my preference.

He followed me in.

I waited until I heard the door shut behind me before I turned to face him. I’d planned to hit him straight up with the news that I’d seen his video. But those weren’t the words that came out. “Hudson, why don’t you ever tell me that you love me?”

“Where did that come from?” He looked like I’d slapped him. Considering that I wanted to, it was a pleasing outcome.

However, it wasn’t the response I wanted. Not in the least. And I had enough liquor in my system to keep me pursuing the answer I wanted. “It’s a valid question.”

“Is it? My methods of emotional expression haven’t seemed to bother you before—why now?”

“Hasn’t bothered me?” I was incredulous. Did he really not know how desperate I was to hear it? “It’s always bothered me. I’ve been patient, that’s all. Letting you settle into our relationship. I realize it’s all new for you—you’ve never let me forget it. But it’s new for me too. I’ve bared all my heart to you. And you can’t give me this one thing—three things, actually. Three little words.”

“You know how I feel about you.” He turned away from me and headed toward the dining room bar.

It was my turn to chase after him. “But why can’t you say it?”

“Why do I need to?” He poured himself a Scotch. “If you understand, there’s no point.”

“Sometimes it helps to hear it.”

“Helps what?”

He was so controlled, so even-mannered—it drove me insane. I raised my voice. “Helps everything! Helps deal with insecurity. With doubts.”

He set the bottle on the counter and pivoted toward me. “What are you doubting? Us? What we have? I asked you to live with me. I changed my entire life to be with you. What is there to doubt?”

“Your reasons. Your motives.”

“My reasons for wanting you with me are I want you with me. What more do you need to know? You want words? They can be changed and manipulated and misconstrued. But my actions—they speak everything that you need to know.”

His words were calm and soothing and, at another time, would have melted me. There were many actions he’d shown that backed up what he was saying. Too many to do an inventory of in the space of a few seconds.

But there were other actions—the ones that were ambiguous and hard-to-interpret. Lunch meetings with Norma Anders. Purchasing the club for me before he’d even known me. And there was the video.

I wrapped my arms around myself, suddenly cold. “If I’m going by your actions, then right now what I know is that I’ve been lied to.”

He took a swallow of his drink, his jaw moving the liquid around his mouth before he swallowed. “What are you talking about?”

I straightened my back for the moment of confrontation. “I saw it, Hudson. I saw the video.”

“What vid—”

I punched my fist onto the dining room table. “Don’t even fucking pretend you don’t know what video I’m referring to, because after everything we’ve been through, I don’t deserve the runaround.”

His eyes were locked on mine, so I saw the brief flare of panic.

And then I saw the moment he resumed control.

“Okay. I won’t run you around then.” He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Where did you get it? Stacy?”

Where did I get it? “Does it matter?”

“I suppose not.” His tone was straight.

My gut clenched. I’d expected immediate denial or reassurance that it wasn’t what it looked like. I’d expected answers. Not this. Not complete indifference.

“You were kissing Celia.”

“I saw.”

“Do you want to explain?”

“Does it matter?” He threw back my own words at me.

“Yes!” My composure was gone. Only he could fix me and he wasn’t even trying.

He moved back to the bar and refilled his drink. “It was before I met you, Alayna. I haven’t asked you to explain your actions before we met. I shouldn’t be expected to either.”

I gaped for a moment while he threw back his liquor. Of all the responses I’d imagined he’d give, downplaying wasn’t one of them.

“But this is different,” I finally managed. “Because you’ve already offered an explanation. You said there was never anything between you and Celia.”

“There wasn’t.”

“I’m supposed to believe that after seeing what I saw?”

“Looks can be deceiving.” His voice was a low rumble. The only indicator of emotion since I’d brought up the video.

It incited me. “That’s all you got?”

“You’ve told me there’s nothing between you and David, yet there’s been many a time that it has looked like there was.”

“It only looked that way because you were paranoid and jealous. You never saw me lip-locked with him. Believe me, seeing it is worse than you can imagine.”

He placed his fingertips on the back of a chair and leaned toward me. “I’m sure if I went and looked at old security tapes I might see exactly that.”

His words were cold and harsh and spiteful. It was times like these that Hudson’s gift to manipulate showed itself. It was frustrating and unfair how he could mold a situation to his favor, but I understood that it was a part of him. He wasn’t trying to play me.

Knowing that didn’t make it any easier to deal with. “Yes. Once upon a time I was with David. I’ve told you that.”

“After you let it slip and I figured it out.”

“Jesus! Will I always have to pay for that mistake?” He didn’t answer, but I didn’t give him time. “Okay, I wasn’t forthcoming. I kept things from you. But only because I didn’t want to hurt you, and I admitted it when you confronted me. But this—you outright lied about this, Hudson. You told me there was nothing to see on Stacy’s video. You told me I didn’t need to go looking.”

“And you went looking anyway.”

“No. I didn’t. I stayed away. Until I found out that you were deliberately trying to hide it from me—yes, Stacy told me you’d asked her for it. Was I supposed to keep trusting you then?”

He shrugged it away. “I didn’t know what she had. I asked because I was curious. I wasn’t deliberately hiding anything.”

“You were deliberately hiding a whole fucking relationship with someone who you swore was never anything but a friend! And even now that I’ve figured out you and Celia were together, even now that I have proof, you still can’t admit it.” My eyes stung and my hands shook from the surge of frustration running through me.

Hudson pinned his eyes to mine. “I’m not admitting anything,” he hissed. “You haven’t figured out anything, Alayna.”

“Then clear things up for me. Tell me what I can’t seem to understand. What’s going on in that video?”

“Nothing,” he spit out. “Nothing’s going on.”

“Hudson!” My voice caught on the lump in my throat, but I kept on. “You’re kissing her. Kissing her deeply. Passionately. Oh yes, I watched it several times, I could reenact the whole thing for you by now if you wanted.”

Shaking his head, he started for the living room.

I was on his heels. “Not to mention that you were supposed to be meeting Stacy right then. And it didn’t escape me on what night this whole thing took place.”

He spun toward me. “Meeting Stacy? Is that what she told you? What else did she say?”

If he could withhold information, so could I. “That really doesn’t have any bearing on this conversation.”

“Well, as far as I’m concerned, this conversation is over.” He headed for the library.

I stood stunned for a beat before following after. “It is not. I have questions and you’ve given me zero answers.”

“I have no answers to give you. This subject is closed.”

His dismissal infuriated me, and more, it left me feeling helpless. “Are you kidding me? You’re not going to talk about this?”

“No, I’m not.” He sat at his desk, reinforcing his refusal to speak further on the matter.

“Hudson, this is so not fair.” I moved around to his side of the desk, not wanting this physical barrier between us. “We’ve said we needed to be honest with each other—that we needed to form a relationship built on trust. We agreed to be open. But you’re hiding something with this. You lied! And not talking about it? How are we supposed to move forward when you’re keeping such a big secret?”

He flew up from his chair and grabbed my arm with a tight grip. “Have I done anything to betray your trust before this?”

I was too surprised to try to pull away. “You went behind my back to transfer David…”

He yanked me closer to him. “That was for us.” His eyes widened as he emphasized the last two words. “Have I done anything that makes you think I don’t have our relationship’s best interests in mind? Have I done anything to make you believe that I don’t want to be with you? That I don’t…” His voice cracked and he swallowed before continuing. “That I don’t care…for you with everything I have?”

I shook my head, unable to speak.

He relaxed his grasp on me, but didn’t let go. “Everything I’ve done since we’ve been together has been for you and me. Trust me when I tell you this isn’t important.” With his free hand, he brushed my hair off my shoulder. “This doesn’t affect us.”

“How can it not affect us? This was the night of the Stern Symposium. The night you said you first saw me.”

“Yes, it was the night I first saw you.” His voice was softer. Soothing as he cupped my neck. “But this was before that. Separate. You need to forget about this.”

Separate. I held onto that word, absorbing it, searching for its meaning. But how could it be separate? It was the same night.

Looking into his eyes didn’t clear up anything either. All I saw there was him pleading and begging to lay this video to rest.

But that wasn’t the person that I was. He’d told me once that he would always be manipulative and domineering, even when he wasn’t playing games. It was who he was.

Me, I would always be obsessive. I’d always question. Even when I was healthy. Asking to forget about this was defying my nature.

I swallowed. “What if I can’t let it go?”

His expression filled with disappointment. “Then it means you don’t trust me.” He let me go, straightening his back. “And I don’t know how we can continue on with our relationship without trust.”

My knees buckled and I put my hand out on his desk to steady myself. “Are you saying that I have to choose? Trust you about this or we’re over?”

“Of course not.” His confidence was missing from his words. “But I have nothing else that I can say. Whether you can live with that or not is the choice you have to make.”

I brushed my fingertips across my eyebrows and down my face. The situation felt so surreal, it was almost as if I had to be sure I was still physically there. How had I gone from a question about Hudson’s past to an ultimatum about our future?

And even if I could bring myself to live with his terms, what kind of a future could we possibly have?

I shook my head. “That’s a trap, Hudson. How could anyone live with that? How can we ever move forward when everywhere I turn there’s a wall?”

“There are no walls.” His jaw tensed and his voice tightened. “I’m here with you. I share everything with you.”

“Except your past.”

“Except this one thing in my past.”

“No. There’s more.” My throat and eyes burned. “It’s not just the video, Hudson. It’s your secrets, the things you can’t say. You can’t tell me what that night was about. You can’t tell me how you feel about me. You can’t tell me what the true nature of your relationship is with Celia, with Norma—even with Sophia!”

“Jesus Christ, Alayna. I’ve told you exactly the true nature of my relationships and you—” he pointed a finger into his desk for emphasis, “refuse to believe what I’ve said.”

“Because there’s proof over and over again that says otherwise.” I slammed my hand against my thigh each time I said over. “And if I’m missing the whole picture, than maybe you should stop leaving all the vital parts out.”

He closed his eyes briefly. Then he stepped closer to grasp my forearms. “Nothing of what I’ve kept from you is vital to our relationship.” His voice was low and sincere. “It has nothing to do with us.”

I threw my arms in the air. “It does! It has everything to do with us.”

Hudson slammed past me to the other side of his desk, but he didn’t go far. He rocked on his feet, his back to me, and I felt he was deciding. Deciding what, I didn’t know.

I circled after him until I was within an arm’s length. I could reach out to touch him with my hands, but I kept them at my side. “Don’t you see, Hudson? I want to know everything about you. I want to be everything with you. How can I when you don’t let me in?”

“I’ve let you in further than any other human being I’ve known. You know things about me that I never planned to share with anyone.” He turned his head to look at me. “Doesn’t that count for something?”

“It does.” I reached out to caress his cheek and he moved the rest of the way to face me. “It counts for so much. But see,” I dropped my hand to my side, “that’s where we’re stuck. Because you’re asking me to give up so much of who I am in order for you to keep your secrets, and that will tear me apart. I can’t do it. I can’t function. I obsess, Hudson. I’ve never kept that from you. Now, I’ve had a history of obsessing over things that weren’t valid, but this time, it’s not in my head. There are real things you’re hiding and can you not see how I’m going crazy over it? Everything you fixed about me is unraveling and I don’t know what to do.” I took a deep breath. “And I’m not even sure you care.”

“I care, Alayna.” He brushed a tear off my cheek—funny, I hadn’t even noticed I was crying. “I care more than I can stand it, and I will do anything to make this better.”

He braced his hand behind my neck and leaned his forehead against mine. It would be so easy—so easy to lean up and let him kiss away my pain and insecurity. His lips on mine could erase all darkness, could soothe any pain. Until that afternoon, I’d believed that like some people believed in their religion—Hudson could fix me, every time.

Except this time he was the problem.

And it wasn’t his touch that would fix me. It was words. Words he wasn’t willing to give. “Then tell me what I need to know,” I whispered.

He straightened and took a step away from me. “No. I won’t.”

He turned away, heading back toward the living room.

Once again, I chased after him. “Were you together? Did you fuck her? Did you fuck her that night? The night you met me?”

He paced the room. “No. No. No. And no. I’ve told you this before and if those words aren’t enough, why should I believe that any others would be any different?”

“Because those words aren’t the words I need. I don’t need denials. I need truths. What happened, Hudson? What is she to you?”

“Alayna, leave it alone.”

“I can’t!”

He stopped suddenly. After a beat, he said, “Then I need to leave.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I swallowed. “Like leave to cool down?”

He shook his head. “It means that we need to take some time apart.”

“What? No!” I’d thought my heart had hit rock bottom before. Apparently there was a whole chasm left for it to fall into—a chasm so dark that it obliterated my previous notion of darkness. And the cold and the ache of that place made every pain I’d ever felt pale in comparison. The death of my parents, my journey from crazy to sanity, even the betrayal from Hudson when he didn’t choose me over Celia—those were flesh wounds next to this.

“It’s for the best,” he said as he retrieved his jacket from across the back of the couch.

It seemed I needed to say something—anything—to make him stay. But I couldn’t figure out what that would be. All I could hear were his words repeating over in my head—time apart. Because why? Because I’d needed him to be honest?

This couldn’t be happening. “You tell me you care about me more than you can stand and now you want to break up with me?”

He glanced over at me, his eyes filled with sadness. “No, not break up, precious. Just take some time apart. Time to figure out how we want to deal with this.”

His words were compassionate and sweet, but they weren’t enough to mollify my hurt and anger. “You mean time for me to get my shit together.”

“Both of us, Alayna.”

I swiped the tears from my face with the back of my hand. “I don’t know where you get your definitions, but that sure sounds like breaking up to me.”

“If that’s what you want to call it.”

“I don’t want to call it anything. I don’t want it to happen!”

“I hope it will be temporary.” He swept past me, careful not to touch me as he did. He grabbed his briefcase from the hall then patted his pockets, apparently satisfied that he had what he needed.

Oh my god. He was really leaving. Really, really leaving. “Hudson!”

When he turned to me, I rushed to him. “Don’t go. Please don’t go.” I clutched at him.

His body remained cold and impassive, his eyes not meeting mine. “I’m doing this for you, Alayna. For both of us.” His words were warm, though he still wouldn’t look at me or touch me. “I can’t bear that I’m hurting you, and it will destroy me if I lose you. But there are some things that I can never tell you. And now we’re at an impasse, as you said. Because you say you can’t go on not knowing and I can’t go on without your trust.”

“I do trust you. I’ll learn to live with this if I have to. I’ll figure it out. I just can’t lose you!” I was desperate, making promises there was no way I could keep.

Finally, he connected his eyes with mine. “You’re not losing me. We’re simply stepping away. Maybe I can…”

He trailed off and I grasped onto whatever alternative he might be offering. “Maybe you can…what?”

But he had none to offer. “I don’t know. I need time.” Gently, he unwrapped my fingers from his clothing and pushed me away.

“But where are you going? This is your home.”

“It’s your home too. I’ll stay at the loft.”

Without looking at me, he stepped toward the elevator.

“Hudson! Don’t do this. Don’t leave.”

He reached out as if he were going to touch me then pulled his hand back. “This isn’t forever, precious. But I can’t watch you like this.”

“Like, what? Like crazy?” While I’d always feared that Hudson wouldn’t be able to take me at my worst, I’d begun to think he’d be with me always. Like he promised so many times.

I’d been wrong. Again. “Yeah, I’m crazy. This is who I really am, Hudson. You see it now. Here I am, exposed. It always scares people away, but I never thought it would scare you. Yet here you are running. No wonder you think I can’t handle your secrets. Because you probably think I’d react just like you are now. But I’m not a coward, Hudson. I can take it. I won’t run from you.”

His face fell. “I’m not running from you, Alayna. I’m saving you.”

“From what?”

“From me!” We stood in silence as his exclamation rung through the foyer. Then he hit the elevator button. “I’ll talk to you later. Tomorrow, maybe.”

“Hudson!”

“I…I can’t, Alayna.”

He stepped inside the elevator, his focus fastened to the floor as the doors closed.

Then he was gone.