Forfeit

18

I spent Sunday alone in the flat, mostly asleep. Part of the time I pottered around tidying things up, trying to put my mind and life into order along with my house. Didn’t have much success.

On Monday morning I went to fetch Elizabeth. She came home in an ambulance, with two fit uniformed men to carry her and the pump upstairs. They laid her on the bed I had made up freshly for her, checked that the pump was working properly, helped replace the Spirashell on her chest, accepted cups of coffee, agreed that the weather was raw and cold but what could you expect in December, and eventually went away.

I unpacked Elizabeth’s case and made some scrambled eggs for lunch, and fed her when her wrist packed up, and fixed another mug of coffee into the holder.

She smiled and thanked me. She looked tired, but very calm. There was a deep difference in her, but for some time I couldn’t work out what it was. When I finally identified it, I was surprised. She wasn’t anxious any more. The long-established, deep-rooted insecurity no longer looked out of her eyes.

‘Leave the dishes, Ty,’ she said. ‘I want to talk to you.’

I sat in the armchair. She watched me. ‘It still hurts... what that man did.’

‘A bit,’ I agreed.

‘Tonio told me they were both killed that night... trying to find me again.’

‘He did, did he?’

She nodded. ‘He came to see me yesterday. We had a long talk. A long, long talk. He told me a lot of things...’

‘Honey,’ I said, ‘I...’

‘Shut up, Ty. I want to tell you... what he said.’

‘Don’t tire yourself.’

‘I won’t. I am tired, but it feels different from usual. I feel just ordinarily tired, not... not worried tired. Tonio did that. And you. I mean, he made me understand what I saw on Thursday, that you would let yourself be smashed up... that you would drive when you were drunk and risk going to prison... that you would do anything, however dangerous... to keep me safe... He said, if I’d seen that with my own eyes, why did I doubt... why did I ever doubt that you would stay with me... It was such a relief... I felt as if the whole world were lighter... I know you’ve always told me... but now I do believe it, through and through.’

‘I’m glad,’ I said truthfully. ‘I’m very glad.’

She said, ‘I talked to Tonio about... that girl.’

‘Honey...’

‘Hush,’ she said. ‘I told him about the blackmail. We talked for ages... He was so understanding. He said of course I would be upset, anyone would, but that I shouldn’t worry too much... He said you were a normal, healthy man and if I had any sense I would see that the time to start worrying would be if you didn’t want to sleep with someone.’ She smiled. ‘He said if I could face it, we would both be happier if I didn’t mind if sometimes... He said you would always come home.’

‘Tonio said a great deal.’

She nodded. ‘It made such sense. I haven’t been fair to you.’

‘Elizabeth,’ I protested.

‘No. I really haven’t. I was so afraid of losing you, I couldn’t see how much I was asking of you. But I understand now that the more I can let you go, the easier you will find it to live with me... and the more you will want to.’

‘Tonio said that?’

‘Yes, he did.’

‘He’s very fond of you,’ I said.

She grinned. ‘He said so. He also said some pretty ear-burning things about you, if you want to know.’ She told me some of them, her mouth curving up at the corners and the new security gleaming in her eyes.

‘Exaggeration,’ I said modestly.

She laughed. A breathy giggle. Happy.

I got up and kissed her on the forehead and on the cheek. She was the girl I’d married. I loved her very much.

On Tuesday morning, when Mrs Woodward came back, I went out along the mews, round the corner and into the telephone box, and dialled the number of the Western School of Art.