Free Fall

38

“Christine?” says Michael. “You’re insane, Judith. Why on earth would that sweet little nurse kill Dad-ums?”

“Because she’s psychotic.”

“Oh, come on …”

“Why did she attack my sister?”

“The woman is sick,” says David, swilling the dregs out of the bottom of his beer can.

Judith turns on him. “Shona? My sister?”

“No. I meant Christine. She has that STD. We never should’ve let Dad hire her.”

“Um, excuse me,” says Michael. “I believe you two were the ones who recommended Ms. Lemonopolous for the job. You even persuaded Dad to terminate that first gal, what was her name? Kaufman?”

“Kochman,” says Judith. “Joy Kochman.”

“At the time we suggested that Christine take over for Joy,” says David, “we didn’t know she was a crazy person.”

“Did you at least check her references?” asks Michael.

“We didn’t have time,” says David defensively. “Joy Kochman had to go.”

“Why?”

“She became a problem, okay? You weren’t here, Michael …”

“And you were.” Michael rolls his eyes like he’s heard that a million times.

“Michael’s right, David,” says Judith. “We should’ve done a thorough background check. Especially since her last patient, Mrs. Crabtree, also ended up dead.”

Well, duh, I feel like saying.

The lady was old. That’s what happens. But I don’t say a word. Neither does Ceepak. Sometimes eavesdropping on one of these family squabbles can give you all sorts of useful information.

“Oh, my,” says Michael with a mock gasp and a fluttering Southern Belle hand over his heart. “Her previous patient died, too? Is Christine Lemonopolous a serial killer? An Angel of Death like that nurse over in England who killed four patients? We based an episode of ‘Crime And Punishment’ on him. Best ratings of the season.”

“Well, now you can do a new show,” snips Judith, refilling her wine. “All about a nurse who gets away with murder because she has friends in the police department who’ll do anything to protect her no matter how many clients she attacks or elderly invalids she bumps off.”

And now Ceepak has heard enough.

“We are sorry to bring you this news while you are in mourning.”

Michael gestures toward the gift basket again. “You sure you don’t want apple cake?”

“No, thank you,” says Ceepak.

I shake my head. “I’m good.”

“However,” says Ceepak, “we must request that none of you leave Sea Haven for the next several days as we attempt to ascertain who it was that murdered Dr. Rosen.”

“What?” says Judith. “Surely you don’t suspect one of us.”

“Calm down,” says David reaching over to give his wife baby pats on her dimpled knee.

Judith recoils from her husband’s touch. “Don’t you dare tell me to calm down, David.”

“I’m just saying …”

“I heard what you said. You said ‘calm down.’”

“Officers?” says Michael. “Do you really suspect that someone in this room murdered my father?”

“It’s a possibility,” says Ceepak.

“How can you think such a thing?” This from David.

“We have our reasons.”

“Well, what are they?” demands Judith.

And since Ceepak won’t tell a lie, he goes ahead and tells the truth: “The night before his murder, your father spoke with Rabbi Bronstein. Told the rabbi he was quote surrounded by assassins end quote. We suspect he meant all of you and, perhaps, his home health aides.”

The Rosens shut up and sip their drinks. Silently.

Finally, Michael pipes up. “I’m due back in L.A. on Wednesday. But I could book a different flight. There are some things I need to take care of here in New Jersey.”

“What sort of things?” says Judith.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“I would,” says David.

“Production issues,” says Michael, kind of coyly. “The same production issues I told you about last night, David.”

David narrows his eyes. Michael narrows his. The two brothers look like they could launch into some serious neck-throttling at any second.

“Rest assured,” says Ceepak, “we will do everything in our power to bring this matter to an expeditious resolution.”

“Besides, Michael,” says Judith, with a smirk, “you might want to be here after Dad’s will goes through probate.”

Michael flutters his eyes. “Why?”

“To collect your inheritance.”

“Ha!” is all Michael has to say about that.

“Be advised,” says Ceepak, “probate can be a long, tedious process.”

David shakes his head. “Steven Robins over at Bernhardt, Hutchens, and Catherman has already paid the filing fee and given the Surrogate Court a death certificate and a copy of the will.”

“Who, pray tell, is this Steven Robins?” says Michael.

“Dad’s lawyer,” says Judith. “You’d know that if you lived here.”

“Oh, I’d know so much more than that if I lived here,” says Michael.

“Steven Robins is also executor of Dad’s will,” adds David. “He’s calling in a couple favors. Working the weekend. Pushing us to the head of the line. Says it’s a very simple estate so we should be good to go tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest.”

“Would this be the will he recently altered?” says Michael.

“I guess.”

“Did he give you two and Little Arnie even more goodies?”

“We don’t know,” says Judith.

“You haven’t seen these alterations?”

“Of course not. That’s a private matter between Dad and his lawyer.”

Michael sneers at that. “Yeah. Right.”

Ceepak clears his throat. “We need to conduct a few more interviews …”

“Why don’t you just go arrest the homicidal nurse and save us all a lot of time and aggravation?” asks Judith. “I’m sure Mrs. Crabtree’s family would be happy to see Christine pay for what she did to their mother, too!”

“Trust me, Mrs. Rosen,” says Ceepak. “If the evidence indicates that Christine Lemonopolous is the culprit, in this or any other murder, we will, indeed, arrest her and hold her for trial.”

“Good!” shouts Judith. “Good riddance to bad rubbish!”

David is about to pat her on the knee again and tell her to calm down. But he remembers he’s not supposed to do that, not if he wants to keep on living. So, instead, he fidgets with his Bart Simpson wristwatch.

“Danny?” Ceepak nudges his head toward the door.

Hallelujah.

We’re done sitting shiva.