Frog

4. Frog Dances

He’s passing a building in his neighborhood, looks into an apartment window on the second floor and sees a man around his age with a baby in his arms moving around the living room as if dancing to very beautiful music — a slow tragic movement from a Mahler symphony, for instance. The man seems so enraptured that Howard walks on, afraid if the man sees him looking at him his mood will be broken. He might feel self-conscious, embarrassed, leave the room or go over to the window with the baby to lower the shade or maybe even to stare back at Howard. Howard knows it can’t always be like this between the man and his baby. That at times the man must slap the wall or curse out loud or something because the baby’s screaming is keeping him from sleep or some work he has to do or wants to get done — but still. The man looked as happy as any man doing anything with anyone or alone. He wants to see it again. He goes back, looks around to see that nobody’s watching him, and looks into the window. The man’s dancing, eyes closed now, cheeks against the baby’s head, arms wrapped around the baby. He kisses the baby’s eyes and head as he sort of slides across the room. Howard thinks I must have a child. I’ve got to get married. At my age — even if I have the baby in a year — some people will still think I’m its grandfather. But I want to go through what this man’s experiencing, dance with my baby like that. Kiss its head, smell its hair and skin — everything. And when the baby’s asleep, dance with my wife or just hold her and kiss her something like that too. Someone to get up close to in bed every night for just about the rest of my life and to talk about the baby, and when it and perhaps its brother or sister are older, when they were babies, and every other thing. So: settled. He’ll start on it tomorrow or the day after. He looks up at the window. Man’s gone. “T’ank you, sir, t’ank you,” and walks to the laudromat he was going to, to pick up his dried wash.

Next day he calls the three friends he thinks he can call about this. “Listen, maybe I’ve made a request something like this before, but this time I not only want to meet a woman and fall in love but I want to get married to her and have a child or two. So, do you know — and if you don’t, please keep your ears and eyes open — someone you think very suitable for me and of course me for her too? I mean it. I had an experience last night — seeing a man holding what seemed like a one- to three-month-old baby very close and dancing around with it as if he were in dreamland — and I felt I’ve been missing out, and in a few years will have completely missed out, on something very important, necessary — you name it — in my life.”

A friend calls back a few days later with the name of a woman she knows at work who’s also looking to find a mate, fall in love and marry. “She’s not about to jump into anything, you know. She’s too sensible for that and already did it once with disastrous results, but fortunately no children. Her situation is similar to yours. She’s thirty-four and she doesn’t want to wait much longer to start a family, which she wants very much. She’s extremely bright, attractive, has a good job, makes a lot of money but is willing to give it up or just go freelance for a few years while she has her children. Besides that, she’s a wonderful dear person. I think you two can hit it off. I told her about you and she’d like to meet you for coffee. Here’s her office and home numbers.”

He calls her and she says “Howard who?” “Howard Tetch. Freddy Gunn was supposed to have told you about me.” “No, she didn’t mention you that I can remember. Wait a second. Are you the fellow who saw a man dancing on the street with his baby and decided that you wanted to be that man?” “I didn’t think she’d tell you that part, but yes, I am. It was through an apartment window I saw him. I was just walking. Anyway, I’m not much — I’m sure you’re not also — for meeting someone blind like this, but Freddy seemed to think we’ve a lot in common and could have a good conversation. Would you care to meet for coffee one afternoon or night?” “Let’s see, Howard. This week I’m tied up both at work and, in the few available nonwork hours, in my social life. It just happens to be one of those rare weeks — I’m not putting you on. Or putting you off, is more like it. Would you mind calling me again next week — in the middle, let’s say?” “No, sure, I’ll call.”

He calls the next week and she says “Howard Tetch?” “Yes, I called you last week. Freddy Gum’s friend. You said—” “Oh, right, Howard. It’s awful of me — please, I apologize. I don’t know how I could have forgotten your name a second time. Believe me, it’s the work. Sixty hours, seventy. How are you?” “Fine,” he says, “and I was wondering if there was some time this week, or even on the weekend, we could—” “I really couldn’t this week or the weekend. What I was doing last week extended into this one, and maybe even worse. Not the socializing, but those sixty-seventy-hours-a-week work. I’m not stringing you along, honestly. But I do have this profession that’s very demanding sometimes—” “What is it you do?” “Whatever I do — and I wish I had the time to tell you, but I haven’t. We’ll talk it over when we meet. So you’ll call me? I can easily understand why you wouldn’t.” “No, sure, next week then. I’ll call.”

He doesn’t call back. A week later another friend calls and says he’s giving a dinner party Saturday and “two very lovely and intelligent young women, both single, will be coming and I want you to meet them. Who can say? You might get interested in them both. Then you’ll have a problem you wish never started by phoning around for possible brides and mothers for your future kids, right?” “Oh, I don’t know,” Howard says, “but sounds pretty good so far.”

He goes to the party. One of these two women is physically beautiful, all right, but unattractive. Something about the way she’s dressed — she’s overdressed — and her perfume, makeup, self-important air or something, and she talks too much and too loudly. She also smokes — a lot — and every so often blows smoke on the person she’s talking to, and both times she left her extinguished cigarette smoldering. He just knows — so he doesn’t even approach her — he could never start seeing or not for too long a woman who smokes so much and so carelessly. The other woman — seems to be her friend — is pretty, has a nice figure, more simply dressed, no makeup or none he can make out, doesn’t smoke or isn’t smoking here, talks intelligently and has a pleasant voice. He introduces himself, they talk about different things, she tells him she recently got divorced and he says “I’m sorry, that can be very rough.” “Just the opposite. We settled it quickly and friendly and since the day I left him I’ve never felt so free in my life. I love going out, or staying in when I want to, and partying late, meeting lots or people, but being unattached.” She has a six-year-old son who lives with his father. “One child, that’s all I ever wanted, and now I think even one was too many for me, much as I love him. Since his father wanted to take him, I thought why not? I see him every other weekend, or every weekend if that’s what he wants, but he so far hasn’t, and get him for a month in the summer. Lots of people disapprove, but they’re not me. Many of them are hypocrites, for they’re the same ones who feel so strongly that the husband — so why not the ex-husband who’s the father of your child? — should take a much larger if not an equal role in the partnership. Well, it’s still a partnership where our son’s concerned, or at least till he’s eighteen or twenty-one, isn’t it? Do you disapprove too?” He says “No, if it works for you all and it’s what you want and no one’s hurt. Sure. Of course, there’s got to be some sadness or remorse in a divorce where there’s a child involved,” and she says “Wrong again, with us. Having two parents was just too confusing for Riner. He thinks it’s great having only one at a time to answer to, and another to fall back on just in case.”

He takes her phone number, calls, they have dinner, he sees her to her apartment house after, shakes her hand in the lobby and says he’ll call again if she doesn’t mind, “for it was a nice evening: lively conversation, some laughs, many of them, if fact, and we seem to have several similar interests,” and she says “So come on up. Even stay if you want; you don’t seem like a masher.” They go to bed and in the morning over coffee she says “I want to tell you something. I like you but don’t want you getting any ideas about my being your one-and-only from now on. You should know from the start that I’m seeing several men, sleeping with three of them — they’re all clean and straight, so don’t worry. And you can be number four if you want, but I’m not for a long time getting seriously connected to anyone. You don’t like the arrangement — no problem: here’s my cheek to kiss and there’s the door.” He says he doesn’t mind the arrangement for now, kisses her lips just before he leaves, but doesn’t call again.

He sees a woman on a movie line waiting to go in. He’s alone and she seems to be too. She’s reading quite quickly a novel he liked a lot and never looks up from it at the people in front and behind her, at least while he’s looking at her. Attractive, intelligent looking, he likes the casual way she’s dressed, way her hair is, everything. He intentionally finds a seat two rows behind hers, watches her a lot and she never speaks to the person on either side of her. On the way out he does something he hasn’t done in about twenty years. He gets alongside her and says “Pardon me, miss, but did you like the movie?” She smiles and says “It was a big disappointment, and you?” “Didn’t care for it much either. Listen, this is difficult to do-introducing myself to a woman I’ve never met — like this, I mean, and something I haven’t done in God knows how many years. But would you — my name is Howard Tetch — like to have a cup of coffee someplace or a beer and talk about the movie? That book too — I read it and saw you reading. If you don’t, then please, I’m sorry for stopping you — I already think you’re going to say no, and why shouldn’t you?” “No, let’s have coffee, but for me, tea.” “Tea, yes, much healthier for you — that’s what I’ll have too.”

They have tea, talk — the book, movie, difficulties of introducing yourself to strangers you want to meet, something she’s wanted to do with a number of men—“I can admit it,”—but never had the courage for it. He sees her to a taxi, next day calls her at work, they meet for tea, meet again for lunch, another time for a movie, go to bed, soon he’s at her place more than his own. She’s thirty-three and also wants to get married and have a child, probably two. “With the right person, of course. That’ll take, once I meet him, about six months to find out. Then once it’s decided, I’d like to get married no more than a month after that, or at least begin trying to conceive.” The more time he spends at her place, the bossier and pettier she gets with him. She doesn’t like him hanging the underpants he washes on the shower curtain rod. He says “What about if I hang them on a hanger over the tub?” but she doesn’t like that either. “It looks shabby, like something in a squalid boardinghouse. Put them in the dryer with the rest of our clothes.” “The elastic waistband stretches. So does the crotch part to where after a few dryer dryings you can see my balls. That’s why I hand-wash them and hang them up like that.” Problem’s never resolved. He wrings his underpants out and hangs them on a hanger, with a few newspaper sheets underneath, in the foot of closet space she’s set aside for his clothes. A couple of times when he does this she says the drops from the hanging underpants might go through the paper and ruin the closet floor. He puts more newspapers down and that seems to assuage her. She thinks he should shave before he gets into bed, not when he rises. He says “But I’ve always shaved, maybe since I started shaving my entire face, in the morning. That’s what I do.” “Well try changing your habits a little. You’re scratchy. It hurts our lovemaking. My skin’s fair, much smoother than yours, and your face against it at night is an irritant.” “An irritant?” “It irritates my face, all right?” “Then we’ll make love in the morning after I shave.” “We can do that too,” she says, “but like most couples, most of our lovemaking is at night. Also, while I’m on the subject, I wish you wouldn’t get back into bed after you exercise in the morning. Your armpits smell. You sweat up the bed. If you don’t want to shower after, wash your arms down with a wet washrag. Your back and chest too.” “I only exercise those early times in the morning when I can’t sleep anymore, or am having trouble sleeping. So I feel, long as I’m up, I should either read or do something I’m going to do later in the day anyway, like exercising. But from now on I’ll do as you say with the washrag whenever I do exercise very early and then, maybe because the exercising’s relaxed or tired me, get back into bed.” She also thinks he hogs too much of the covers; he should try keeping his legs straight in front of him in bed rather than lying them diagonally cross her side; he could perhaps shampoo more often—“Your hair gets to the sticky level sometimes.” And is that old thin belt really right for when he dresses up? “If anything, maybe you can redye it.” And does he have to wear jeans with a hole in the knee, even if it is only to go to the corner store? “What about you?” he finally says. “You read the Times in bed before we make love at night or just go to sleep, and then don’t wash the newsprint off your hands. That gets on me. Probably also gets on the sheets and pillowcases, but of course only on your side of the bed, and your sheets and pillowcases, so why should I be griping, right? And your blouses. I’m not the only one who sweats. And after you have into one of yours — OK, you had a tough day at work and probably on the crowded subway to and from work and your body’s reacted to it — that’s natural. But you hang these blouses back up in the closet. On your side, that’s fine with me, and I’m not saying the smell gets on my clothes. But it isn’t exactly a great experience to get hit with it when I go into the closet for something. Anyway, I’m just saying.” They complain like this some more, begin to quarrel, have a couple of fights where they don’t speak to each other for an hour, a day, and soon agree they’re not right for each other anymore and should break up. When he’s packing his things to take back to his apartment, she says “I’m obviously not ready to be with only one man as much as I thought. I’m certainly not ready for marriage yet. As to having a child — to perhaps have two? I should really get my head looked over to have thought of that.” “Well, I’m still ready,” he says, “though maybe all this time I’ve been mistaken there too.”

He meets a woman at an opening at an art gallery. They both were invited by the artist. She says she’s heard about him from the artist. “Nothing much. Just that you’re not a madman, drunk, drug addict or letch like most of the men he knows.” He says “Gary, for some odd reason I don’t know why, never mentioned you. Maybe because he’s seeing you. Is he?” “What are you talking about? He’s gay.” “Oh. He’s only my colleague at school, so I don’t know him that well. I know he’s divorced and has three kids, but that’s about it. May I be stupidly frank or just stupid and say I hope you’re not that way too? Wouldn’t mean I’d want to stop talking to you.” “I can appreciate why you’re asking that now. No, as mates, men are what I like exclusively. I didn’t come here to meet one, but I’ve been in a receptive frame of mind for the last few months if something happens along.” They separate at the drink table, eye each other a lot the next fifteen minutes, she waves for him to come over. “I have to go,” she says. “The friend I came with has had her fill of this, and she’s staying with me tonight. If you want to talk some more, I can call you tomorrow. You in the book?” “Hell, here’s my number and best times to reach me,” and he writes all this out and gives it to her.

She calls, they meet for a walk, have dinner the next night, she takes his hand as they leave the restaurant, kisses him outside, initiates a much deeper kiss along the street, he says “Look-it, why don’t we go to my apartment — it’s only a few blocks from here?” She says “Let’s give it more time. I’ve had a lot of rushing from men lately. I’m not boasting, and I started some of it myself. It’s simply that I know going too fast, from either of us, is no good, so what do you say?” They see each other about three times a week for two weeks. At the end of that time he says he wants to stay at her place that night or have her to his, “but you know, for bed.” She says “I still think it’d be rushing. Let’s give the main number some more time?” Two weeks later he says “Listen, I’ve got to sleep with you. All this heavy petting is killing me. I’ve got to see you completely naked, be inside you — the works. We’ve given it plenty of time. We like each other very much. But I need to sleep with you to really be in love with you. That’s how I am.” She says “I don’t know what’s wrong. I like you in every way. I’m almost as frustrated as you are over it. But something in me says that having sex with you now still wouldn’t be sensible. That we’re not ready for it yet. That what we have, in the long run, would be much better — could even end up in whatever we want from it. Living together. More, if that’s what we ultimately want — if we hold out on this a while longer. It’s partly an experiment on my part, coming after all my past involvement failures, but also partly what I most deeply feel will work, and so feel you have to respect that. So let’s give it a little more time then, please?” He says “No. Call me if you not only want to see me again but want us to have sex together. From now on it has to be both. Not all the time, of course. But at least the next time if there’s nothing — you know — physically, like a bad cold, wrong with one of us. I hate making conditions — it can’t help the relationship — but feel I have to. If I saw you in one of our apartments alone again I think I’d tear your clothes off and jump on you no matter how hard and convincingly you said no. It’s awful, but there it is.” She says “Let me think about it. Either way, I’ll call.”

She calls the next week and says “I think we better stop seeing each other. Even if I don’t believe you would, what you said about tearing off my clothes scared me.” “That’s not it,” he says. “I don’t know what it is, but that’s not it. OK. Goodbye.”

He misses her, wants to call her, resume things on her terms, dials her number two nights in a row but both times hangs up after the first ring.

He’s invited to give a lecture at a university out of town. His other duty that day is to read the manuscripts of ten students and see them in an office for fifteen minutes each to discuss their work. The man who invited him is a friend from years ago. He says “What’d you think of the papers I sent you? All pretty good, but one exceptional. Flora’s, right? She thinks and writes like someone who picked up a couple of postdoctorates in three years and then went on to five years of serious jounalism. Easy style, terrific insights, nothing left unturned, everything right and tight, sees things her teachers don’t and registers these ideas better than most of them. She intimidates half the department, I’m telling you. They’d rather not have her in their classes, except to look at her. That’s because she’s brilliant. I can actually say that about two of my students in fourteen years and the other’s now dean of a classy law school. But hear me, Howard. Keep your mitts off her. That doesn’t mean mine are on her or want to be. Oh, she’s a honey, all right, and I’ve fantasized about her for sure. But I don’t want anyone I’m inviting for good money messing with her and possibly messing up her head and the teaching career I’ve planned for her. Let some pimpleface do the messing; she’ll get over it sooner. I want her to get out of here with top grades and great GREs and without being screwed over and made crestfallen for the rest of the semester by some visiting horn. Any of the other girls you’ll be conferencing you can have and all at once if they so desire.” “Listen, they all have to be way too young for me and aren’t what I’ve been interested in for a long time, so stop fretting.”

He sees two students. Flora’s next on the list. He opens the office door and says to some students sitting on the floor against the corridor wall “One of you Ms. Selenika?” She raises her hand, stands, was writing in a pad furiously, has glasses, gold ear studs, medium-length blond hair, quite frizzy, little backpack, clear frames, tall, rustically dressed, pens in both breast pockets, what seem like dancer’s legs, posture, neck. “Come in.” They shake hands, sit, he says “I guess we should get right to your paper. Of course, what else is there? I mean, I’m always interested in where students come from. Their native areas, countries, previous education, what they plan to do after graduation. You know, backgrounds and stuff; even what their parents do. That can be very interesting. One student’s father was police commissioner of New York. Probably the best one we had there in years. Another’s mother was Mildred Kraigman. A comedian, now she’s a character actress. Won an Academy Award? Well, she was once well known and you still see her name around, often for good causes. But those are my students where I teach. When I’ve time to digress, which I haven’t with every student here. You all probably don’t mind the fifteen minutes with me, but that’s all we’ve got. So, your paper. I don’t know why I went into all of that, do you?” She shakes her head, holds back a giggle. “Funny, right? But you can see how it’s possible for me to run on with my students. As for your paper, I’ve nothing but admiration for it. I’m not usually that reserved or so totally complimentary, but here, well — no corrections. Not even grammatical or punctuational ones. Even the dashes are typed right and everything’s before or after the quote marks where it belongs. Honestly, nothing to nitpick, even. I just wish I had had your astuteness — facility — you know, to create such clear succinct premises and then to get right into it and with such writing and literary know-how and ease; had had your skills, intelligence and instincts when I was your age, I mean. Would have saved a lot of catching up later on. Sure, we could go on for an hour about what you proposed in this and how you supported what you claimed, and so on. Let me just say that when I come across a student like you I just say ‘Hands off; you’re doing great without me so continue doing what you are on your own. If I see mistakes or anything I can add or direct you to, to possibly improve your work, I’ll let you know.’ And with someone like you I also say, which isn’t so typical for me, ‘If you see something you want to suggest about my work, or correct: be my guest.’ In other words, I can only give you encouragement and treat you as my thinking equal and say ‘More, more.’ But your paper’s perfect for what it is, which is a lot, and enlightened me on the subject enormously. But a subject which, if I didn’t know anything about it before, I’d be very grateful to you after I read it for opening me up to it. You made it interesting and intriguing. What better way, right? Enough, I’ve said too much, not that I think compliments would turn you.”

He looks away. She says something but he doesn’t catch it. Something like “I’m no different than anyone else.” He actually feels his heart pounding, mouth’s parched, fingers feel funny. Looks at her. She’s looking at him so seriously, fist holding up her chin, trying to make him out? Thinks he’s being too obvious? “I’m sorry, you said something just now?” he says. “Oh, nothing. Silly. Commonplace. I also tend to mumble.” “But what?” “That I can be turned too, that’s all.” Smiles, big beautiful bright teeth, cute nose. Button pinned to her jacket, children in flames, caption in Chinese or Japanese. Or Korean or Vietnamese. What does he know? And turned how? That an oblique invitation? He once read a novel where the literature teacher took his student on the office floor. She willingly participated. In fact, she might have come to his office to make love. It was their first time. The teacher was married. He always thought that scene exaggerated — the author usually exaggerated or got sloppy when he wrote about sex — but the feeling the narrator had is the same he has now. Her brains, looks, body, little knapsack. He’d love right now to hold her, kiss her, undress her right here — hell with his friend. Hell with the rest of the students. They’d do it quickly. She’d understand. Even if it was their first time. He doubts it’d take him two minutes. Another minute for them both to undress. He bets she likes that kind of spontaneity. “I have got to make love to you,” he could whisper. “Let’s do it right now.” He’d lock the door if it has a lock from the inside — he looks. Hasn’t and he doesn’t have the key. Now this would be something: opening the door to push the lock-button with all those students in the hall waiting for him. Instead he could put a chair up against the doorknob. They’d be quiet; to save time, just take their pants and shoes off and make love on the floor. Carpet seems clean. He could put his coat down. He wonders what such a young strong body like that looks and feels like. He looks at her, tries to imagine her naked. She says “Thanks for reading my paper and everything, but now I must be wasting your time. It’s a rigorous day for you: all those conferences and papers to read and your lecture later on.” “You’re not wasting it.” She opens the door. “Oh, maybe you won’t go for this, but another student and I — my housemate — would like to invite you to a student reading after dinner.” “Listen, maybe I can even take you both to dinner before the reading.” “You’re eating at the club with Dr. Wiggens, aren’t you?” “Right; that’s a must. Sure, tell me where to be and when. I haven’t been to a good student reading in years.” “This might not be good.” “Even more fun. I like to see what goes on at different campuses. And after it, you’ll be my guests for food and beer.” “If he wants to and we’re up to it, fine.”

She sits at the back of his room during the lecture, laughs at all the right lines, claps hard but doesn’t come up after.

“So how’d everything go today?” Wiggens asks at dinner. “Great bunch of kids,” Howard says. “Incredibly keen and bright. Wish I had some like them in my own classes.” “None of the girls made a pass at you?” his wife says. “Nah, I let them know I don’t come easy.” Wiggens says “That’s the best approach. Why get all messy in a day and possibly go home a father-to-be with a social disease?” “What nonsense,” she says. “One-night stands with students is the safest sport in town.” They drop him off at his hotel, he goes inside the lobby, waits till their car leaves the driveway and runs to the building of the reading. He’s already pretty tight. He sleeps through most of the stories and poems and the three of them go to a pizza place later. The housemate downs a beer, puts on his coat and says to Flora “Maybe I’ll see you home.” “Why’d he think you might not be home?” Howard says. “He meant for himself. He has a lover who occassionally kicks him out before midnight.” They finish off the pitcher, have two brandies each, he says “This is not what I’m supposed to be doing here according to Wiggens, so don’t let on to him, but may I invite you back to my room?” She says “I’m really too high to drive myself home and you’re too high to drive me, so I guess I’ll stay the night if you don’t mind. You have twin beds?” “Sure, for twins — No, OK,” when she shakes her head that his humor’s bad, “anything you want.” When she takes off her clothes in his room he says “My goodness, your breasts. I had no idea they were so large. Why’d I think that?” “It’s the way I dress. I’m extremely self-conscious about them. They’ve been a nuisance in every possible way.” “I love large breasts.” “Please, no more about them or I’m going to bed in my clothes.” They shut off the lights. He’s almost too drunk to do anything. In the morning he doesn’t know if they even did anything. He says he wants to stay another night. “At my expense, in this same or a different hotel if you can’t or don’t want to put me up in your house. Take you to lunch and dinner and even a movie and where we’ll start all over and do the whole thing right. The heck with Wiggens and his proscriptions.” She says “My vagina hurts from last night. You were too rough. I couldn’t do it again for a day.” “So we did something? I was afraid I just passed out.” “To be honest,” she says, “it was horrendous. Never again when I and the guy I’m with are that stoned.” “It’ll be better. I can actually stay for two more nights, get some work done in your school library simply to keep busy and out of your hair all day, and we’ll both stay relatively sober throughout.” “No, it isn’t a good idea. Where’s it going to land us?” “Why, that you’re way out here and I’m in New York? I’ll fly out once a month for a few days.” “Once a month.” “Twice a month then. Every other week. And the entire spring break. Or you can fly to New York. I’ll pay your fare each time. And in the summer, a long vacation together. Rent a house on some coast. A trip to Europe if that’s what you want. I don’t make that much, but I can come up with it.” “Let’s talk about it again after you get to New York, but you go this afternoon as scheduled.”

He calls from New York and she says “No, everything’s too split apart. Not only where we live but the age and cultural differences. You’re as nice as they come — sweet, smart and silly — but what you want for us is unattainable.” “Think about it some more.” He calls again and she says he got her at a bad moment. He writes twice and she doesn’t answer. He calls again and her housemate, after checking with her, says she doesn’t want to come to the phone. Howard says “So that’s it then. Tell her.”

He’s invited to a picnic in Riverside Park for about twelve people. He doesn’t want to go but the friend who’s arranged it says “Come on, get out of the house already, you’re becoming a hopeless old recluse.” He meets a woman at the picnic. They both brought potato salad. “It wasn’t supposed to happen like this,” he says. “I was told to bring the cole slaw. But I didn’t want to make the trip to the store just to buy cabbage, had a whole bag of potatoes around, so I made this salad. Anyway, yours is much better. You can see by what people have done to our respective bowls.” “They’re virtually identical,” Denise says. “Eggs, celery, sweet pickles, fresh dill, store-bought mayonnaise, maybe mustard in both of them, and our potatoes cooked to the same softness, but I used salt.” She gives him her phone number and says she hopes he’ll call. He says “I wouldn’t have asked for it if I didn’t intend to. Truly.”

He was attracted to her at the picnic but after it he thinks she was too eager for him to call. Well, that could be good — that she wants him to call, is available — but there were some things about her looks he didn’t especially like. More he thinks of them, less he likes them. Nice face, wasn’t that. But she seemed wider in the hips, larger in the nose, than he likes. Were her teeth good? Something, but nothing he can remember seeing, tells him they weren’t. She was friendly, intelligent, no airs, good sense of humor. But if she’s wide in the hips now, she’s going to get wider older she gets. And noses, he’s heard, and can tell from his own, grow longer with age. Everything else though…

He doesn’t call her that week. On the weekend he bumps into a friend on the street who’s walking with a very pretty woman. She can’t be his girlfriend. The friend’s married, much in love with his wife. And he has two young sons he dotes on and he’d never do anything that could lead to his being separated from them, but then you never know. Howard and the woman are introduced, she has a nice voice, unusually beautiful skin, and the three of them talk for a while. Her smile to him when they shake hands goodbye seems to suggest she wouldn’t mind him contacting her. He calls his friend the next day and says “This woman you were with — Francine. If she’s not married or anything like that, what do you think of my calling her?” “Fine, if you like. She’s a great person, stunning looking as you saw, cultured, unattached — what else? One hell of a capable lawyer.” “Why didn’t you tell me about her before?” “You mean you’re still searching for that ideal lifemate? I thought you gave that up.” “No, I’m still looking, though maybe not as hard as I did. Went out with several women — a couple you even met. Nearly moved in with one, but nothing materialized beyond that with any of them, which has sort of discouraged me a little. But if I haven’t found someone marriageable after a year, that’s OK too, right? I’ve still plenty of time.” “Then call Francine. She’s been divorced for two years, no children, and from what she’s let on in certain unguarded moments, I think she’s seriously shopping around for a new lifemate herself.” “What do you mean ‘unguarded’? Is she very secretive, uncommunicative, cool or distant — like that?” “Hardly. Just that some things about herself she keeps inside.”

Howard calls her. They make a date to go out for beers. He feels she’s not right for him the moment she opens her apartment door. Something overdone in the way she’s dressed for just beers at a local place. Also her apartment, which is practically garish. The books on the shelves say she isn’t much of a serious reader, and same with the music on the radio, records on the shelf, prints on the walls. During their walk to the bar and then in the bar he finds she’s interested in a lot of things he isn’t: money matters, big-time professional advancement, exercise classes, gossip about famous people, the trendy new restaurants, art exhibitions, movies, shows. They walk back to her building. She asks if he’d like to come up for a drink or tea. “No thanks, I’ve still plenty of work to do for tomorrow, but thank you.” “If you’d like to phone me again, please do.” “No, really, I don’t think it would work out, but thanks for suggesting it. It’s been a nice evening.” “Actually, I doubt it has been for you, nor in many ways for me either. We’re a bit different, that’s easy to see, but I thought after a few times together we’d find much in common. Something told me that. What do you think?” “I don’t think so, honestly. It’s all right to say that, isn’t it?” “I suppose, but it’s probably not something we should go too deeply into,” and she goes inside. He’s walking uptown to his apartment when he sees a pay phone. Call Denise, he thinks. It’s been two weeks since he said he would. He’ll give a good excuse if he feels from what she says that he ought to. That he’s been so steeped in his work that he didn’t want to call till now just to say he’d be calling again to go out with her once he’s done with this work. Or that he simply lost track of time with all the work he’s been doing and also some personal things that are now over. He puts the coin in, thinks no, don’t start anything, she isn’t right for him. Her looks. The teeth. Something. Plump. Not plump but wider in the hips and he thinks heavier in the thighs than he likes, and her nose. And so sweet. Almost too damn too — even meek. He doesn’t like meek and overly sweet women either who let the man do most of the speaking and decision making and so on. That’s not what he wants. He wants something else. So he won’t call her. He continues walking, passes another pay phone. Why not call her? Because he’s a little afraid to. Already his stomach’s getting butterflies. What would he say? Well, he’d say “Hello, it’s Howard Tetch, and I know it’s a bit presumptuous thinking you’d agree to this at the spur of something or another, but…” “But” what? Have a drink first. He goes into a bar, has a martini. After he drinks it he feels relaxed. One more. Then he should go home and, if he still wants to, call her tomorrow. He has another. Two, he tells himself, is his limit. Three and he’s had it, not good for anything but sleep. But he doesn’t want to be on the street with three. When he gets off the stool he feels high. He feels sexy when he gets to the street. He wants to have sex with someone tonight. He hasn’t had sex with anyone since Flora and that was around three months ago and what does he remember of it? Her large breasts, that’s all, which was before they had sex. He thinks of the man in the window holding the baby. The baby must be a month or two past a year old. It was April, right after his mother’s birthday, so it was almost twelve months ago. Today or some day this or last week might be the baby’s first birthday. The man might still be dancing with it at night, but by now the baby’s probably saying words. “Hi. ‘Bye.” The man might have slept with his wife 350 times since that night, made love with her about 150 times. That would be about the number of times Howard thinks he’d make love to his wife in that time. But there is that period, maybe a month or two after the birth, maybe longer for some women if it was a particularly difficult delivery — a Cesarean, for instance — when you don’t have sex, or not where the man penetrates her. So, 100, 125. The woman he ends up with will have to be receptive to sex. As much as he, in her own way, or almost. If more so, fine. And sometimes do it when he wants to and she doesn’t especially. That isn’t so bad. It isn’t that difficult for a woman to sort of loan her body like that, turn over on her side with her back to him and let him do it without even any movement on her part, and he’ll do as much for her if it comes to it. And if the baby was a month or two old when he saw it in the window, then the man and his wife might have just around that time started to make love again, and even, for the first time in months, that night. For all he knows, that might account for the loving way the man danced with his child. No. But call her. He goes through his wallet, thought the slip with her number on it was inside, can’t find it, dials Information, dials the number he gets and she says hello. “Hello, it’s Howard Tetch, from that picnic in the park, how are you?” and she says I’m all right, and you?” “Fine, just fine. Thank you. Listen, I called — well, I wanted to long before this but something always came up — to suggest we get together tonight. But I now realize it’s much too late to. I’m sorry. This is an awful way to call after two weeks, but tomorrow?” “Tomorrow?” “Yes, would it be possible for us to meet sometime tomorrow or any day soon as we can? Evening? Late afternoon for a cup of something?” “Excuse me, Howard. This certainly isn’t what I wanted to speak about first thing after enjoying your company at the picnic, but am I wrong in assuming you’ve had a bit to drink tonight which is influencing your speech and perhaps what you have to say?” “No, you’re right, I have, and right in saying it to me. I shouldn’t have called like this. But I was somewhat anxious about calling you, and just in calling any woman for the first time I’m not that… I get nervous, that’s all. It’s always awkward for me, no matter how anxious I was in wanting to call you. So I thought I needed a drink to brace me, you can say, and had two, at a bar just now, but martinis. I’m calling from the street, by the way.” “I can hear.” “What I meant by that is I have a home phone but was on the street, saw a phone, wanted to call, so called. Anyway, two martinis never hit me like this before. Never drink three martinis and think you’ll have your head also, I always say. What am I saying I always say it? I’m saying it now, but probably have thought of it before. But I also had a drink at my apartment before I went out, so it was accumulative. Wine, gin. I’m not a problem drinker though.” “I didn’t say or think you were.” “Little here, there, but only rarely in intoxicating quantities. Just that I didn’t want that to be the reason you might not want us to meet.” “All right. Call tomorrow if you still want to. Around six. We’ll take it from there, OK?” “Yes.” “Good. Goodnight.”

He calls, they meet, have coffee, take a long walk after, the conversation never lulls, lots of things in common, no forced talk, good give and take, mutual interests, laughs, they touch upon serious subjects. Her teeth are fine. Her whole body. Everything’s fine. Profile, full face. Some bumps, bulges, but what was he going on so about her hips and nose and so on? Scaring himself away maybe. They’re right, all part of her, fit in just fine. She’s also very intelligent, not meek, weak, just very peaceful, thoughtful, subdued, seemingly content with her life for the most part. They take the same bus home, he gets off first and says he’ll call her soon, she says “That’ll be nice,” waves to him from the bus as it passes. He doesn’t call her the next week. First he thinks give it a day or two before you call; see what you think. Then: this could get serious and something tells him she’s still not exactly right for him. She’s a serious person and would never have anything to do with him in any other way and maybe playing around is what he really wants right now. She may even be too intelligent for him, needing someone with larger ideas, deeper thoughts, better or differently read, a cleverer quicker way about him, smooth-spoken; she’d tire of him quickly.

He calls a woman he used to go out with but was never serious about more than a year ago and she says “Hello, Howard, what is it?” “Oops, doesn’t sound good. Maybe I called at a wrong time.” “Simply that you called is a surprise. How is everything?” “Thank you. Everything’s fine. I thought you might want to get together. Been a while. What are you doing now, for instance?” “You’re horny.” “No I’m not.” “You only used to call when you were horny. Call me when you’re feeling like a normal human being. When you want to have dinner out, talk over whatever there’s to talk over, but not to go to bed. I’m seeing someone. Even if I weren’t. I could never again be around for you only when you have your hot pants on.” “Of course. I didn’t know you thought I was doing that. But I understand, will do as you say.” The phone talk makes him horny. He goes out to buy a magazine with photos of nude women in it. He buys the raunchiest magazine he can find just from the cover photo and what the cover says is inside, sticks it under his arm inside his jacket, dumps it in a trash can a block away. He really doesn’t like those magazines. Also something about having them in his apartment, and why not do something different with the rutty feeling he’s got. A whorehouse. He buys a weekly at another newsstand that has articles on sex, graphic photos of couples, and in the back a couple of pages where they rate whorehouses, single bars, porno flicks, peep shows and sex shops in the city. He goes home to read it. There’s one on East Fifty-fourth that sounds all right. “Knockout gals, free drink, private showers, classy & tip-top.” He goes outside and waits at a bus stop for a bus to take him to West Fifty-seventh, where he’ll catch the crosstown. He has enough cash on him even if they charge a little more than the fifty dollars the weekly said they did, plus another ten for a tip. He wants to do it that much. He gets off at Sixty-fifth — butterflies again — will walk the rest of the way while he thinks if what he’s doing is so smart. The woman could have a disease. One can always get rid of it with drugs. But some last longer than that. You have to experiment with several drugs before one works. And suppose there’s one that can’t be cured with drugs or not for years? No, those places — the expensive ones — are clean. They have to be or they’d lose their clients. He keeps walking to the house. Stops at a bar for a martini just to get back the sex feeling he had, has two, heads for the house again feeling good. No, this is ridiculous. His whoring days are over. They have been for about ten years. He’d feel embarrassed walking in and out of one; just saying what he’s there for to the person at the front desk, if that’s what they have, and then making small talk or not talk with the women inside, if they just sit around waiting for the men to choose them — even looking at the other men in the room would be embarrassing — and then with the woman he chooses. “What do you like, Howard?” or whatever name he gives. Howard. Why not? No last one. “You want me to do this or that or both or maybe you want to try something different?” It just isn’t right besides. He still wants very much to have sex tonight — with a stranger, even — but not to pay for it. A singles bar? What are the chances? For him, nil, or near to it. He doesn’t feel he has it in him anymore to approach women there or really anywhere. To even walk into one and find a free place at the bar would be difficult for him. Maybe Denise would see him this late. Try. If she doesn’t want him up, she’ll say so quickly enough. Or just say to her “You think it’s too late to meet for a beer?” If she says something like “It’s too late for me to go outside, why don’t you come here,” then he’ll know she wants to have sex with him. She wouldn’t have him up this late for any other reason. And if he comes up at this hour, shell know what he’s coming up for. If she can meet at a bar, then fine, he’ll start his approach from there. Suppose she gets angry at him for calling so late and being so obvious in what he wants of her, expecially after he said a week ago he’d call her soon? Then that’s it with her then, since he doesn’t feel there’ll be anything very deep between them, so what he’s really after is just sex. But don’t call from a pay phone on the street. She may think he always walks the streets at night and get turned off by that.

He goes into a bar, buys a beer, tells himself to speak slowly and conscientiously and watch out for slurs and repeats, dials her number from a pay phone there. She says “Hello,” doesn’t seem tired, he says “It’s Howard, how are you, I hope I’m not calling too late.” “It’s not that it’s too late for me to receive a call, Howard, just that of the three to four calls from you so far, most have come this late. Makes me think … what? That your calls are mostly last-minute thoughts, emanating from some form of desperation perhaps. It doesn’t make me feel good.” “But they’re not. And I’m sorry. I get impulsive sometimes. Not this time. You were on my mind — have been for days — and I thought about calling you tonight, then thought if it was getting too late to call you, but probably thought about it too long. Then, a little while before, thought ‘Hell, call her, and I’ll explain.’ So some impulsiveness there after all.” “All right. We have that down. So?” “So?” “So, you know, what is the reason you called?” “I wanted to know if you might like to meet at the Breakers for a drink, or maybe it’s too late tonight for that too.” “It probably is. Let me check the time. I don’t have to. I know already. Way too late. If you want, why not come here.” “That’s what I’d like much better, really. You mean now, don’t you?” “Not two hours from now, if you can help it.” “Right. Is there anything I can pick up for you before I get there?” “Like what?” “Wine, beer? Anything you need? Milk?” “Just come, but without stopping for a drink along the way.” “I already have. But so you won’t get the wrong idea, it was because my phone wasn’t working at home. Just tonight, which was a big surprise when I finally picked up the receiver to call you. So I went out to call from a public phone. But I didn’t want to call from the street. Too noisy, and I also didn’t want to give you the wrong idea that I’m always calling from the street. So I went into this bar I’m in to call but felt I should buy a beer from them first, even if I didn’t drink it — though I did — part of it — rather than coming in only to use their phone. That’s the way I am. I put all kinds of things in front of me.” “Does seem so. Anyway, here’s my address,” and gives it and what street to get off if he takes the bus. “If you take the Broadway subway, get off at a Hundred-sixteenth and ride the front of the train, but not the first car, so you’ll be right by the stairs. The subways, or at least that station at this hour, can be dangerous, so maybe to be safer you should take the bus or a cab.” “A cab. That’s what I’ll do.” “Good. See you.”

He subways to her station, runs to her building. If she asks, he’ll say he took a cab. They say hello, he takes off his jacket, she holds out her hand for it, probably to put it in what must be the coat closet right there. He hands it to her and says “I took the subway, by the way. Should have taken a cab, but I guess I’m still a little tight with money. I’m saying, from when I wasn’t making much for years. I don’t know why I mentioned that. It was a fast ride though — good connections — and I’m still panting somewhat from running down the hill to your building,” has moved closer to her, she says “I didn’t notice — you ran down the hill here?” he bends his head down, she raises hers and they kiss. They kiss again and when they separate she says “your jacket — excuse me. It’s on the floor.” “Don’t bother with it.” “Don’t be silly — it’s a jacket,” and picks it up, brushes it off and hangs it in the closet. He comes behind her while she’s separating some of the coats, jackets and garment bags hanging in the closet, turns her around by her shoulders and they kiss. She says “Like a nightcap of some sort — seltzer?” “Really, nothing, thank you.” “Then I don’t know, I’m enjoying this but we should at least get out of this cramped utilitarian area. The next room. Or maybe, if we want, we should just go to bed.” “Sure, if it’s all right with you.” “I’ll have to wash up first.” “Same here.” “And I wouldn’t mind, so long as you’d come with me, walking my dog.” “You’ve a dog?” “It’ll be quick, and I won’t have to do it early in the morning.”

They walk the dog, make love. They see each other almost every day for the next few weeks. Museums, movies, an opera, eat out or she cooks for them in her apartment or he cooks for them in his, a party given by friends of hers. They’re walking around the food table there putting food on their plates when he says “I love you, you know that, right?” and she says “Me too, to you.” “You do? Great.” That night he dreams he’s being carried high up in the sky by several party balloons, says “Good Christ, before this was fun, but now they better hold,” wakes up, feels for her, holds her thigh and says to himself “This is it, I don’t want to lose her, she’s the best yet, or ever. Incredible that it really happened. Well, it could still go bust.” He takes her to meet his mother, has dinner at her parents’ apartment. He sublets his apartment, moves in with her. He can’t get used to the dog. Walking it, cleaning up after it, its smells, hair on the couch and his clothes, the sudden loud barks which startle him, the dog licking his own erection, and tells her that as much as he knows she loves the dog, the city’s really no place for it. She says “Bobby came with me and with me he stays. Sweetheart, think of it as a package deal and that Bobby’s already pretty old.” When his lease expires he gives up his apartment to the couple he sublet it to. He begins insisting to Denise that Bobby’s long hair makes him sneeze and gives him shortness of breath, which is keeping him up lots of nights, and that the apartment’s much too crowded with him. “If we ever have the baby we’ve talked about maybe having, it would mean getting an apartment with another bedroom at twice the rent we pay now, which we couldn’t afford, or disposing of the dog somehow and staying with the baby here.” She gives Bobby to a friend in the country. “If one day we do get a larger apartment,” she says, “and Bobby’s still alive, then I don’t care how sick and feeble he might be then, he returns. Agreed?” “Agreed.”

They marry a few months after that and a few months later she’s pregnant. They planned it that way and it worked. They wanted to conceive the baby in February so they could spend most of the summer in Maine and have the baby in October, a mild month and where he’d be settled into the fall semester. He goes into the delivery room with her, does a lot of things he learned in the birth classes they took over the summer, to help her get through the more painful labor contractions. When their daughter’s about a month old he starts dancing with her at night just as that man did three years ago. He has two Mahler symphonies on record, buys three more and dances to the slow movements and to the last half of the second side of a recording of Sibelius’s Fifth Symphony. Denise loves to see him dancing like this. Twice she’s said “May I cut in?” and they held the baby and each other and danced around the living room. Dancing with the baby against his chest, he soon found out, also helps get rid of her gas and puts her to sleep. He usually keeps a light on while he dances so he won’t bump into things and possibly trip. Sometimes he closes his eyes — in the middle of the room — and dances almost in place while he kisses the baby’s neck, hair, even where there’s cradle cap, back, ears, face. Their apartment’s on the third floor and looks out on other apartments in a building across the backyard. He doesn’t think it would stop him dancing if he saw someone looking at him through one of those windows. He doesn’t even think he’d lower the blinds. Those apartments are too far away — a hundred feet or more — to make him self-conscious about his dancing. If his apartment were on the first or second floor and fronted on the sidewalk, he’d lower the living room blinds at night. He’d do it even if he didn’t have a baby or wasn’t dancing with it. He just doesn’t like people looking in at night from the street.