Fucking History

PIGGYBACKS SAVE LIVES

You haven’t truly lived until you’ve given a really drunk person a piggyback. Especially if you’re equally as drunk yourself. Because nothing will bring you closer as friends, or strengthen your relationship more than stumbling around city streets together like conjoined, drunk idiots — too dumb to request a car, too drunk to give a fuck. Seriously, a good piggyback can be a lifesaver, both figuratively and literally. Figuratively, in the sense that you don’t want to scuff the new Louboutins you just spent half of your paycheck on; and literally, like what the men of Weinsberg, Germany, experienced during King Conrad III’s siege on their castle.

You see, King Conrad was not a patient man — and on one particular day in 1140 — he’d grown tired of his failed attempts to take Weinsberg Castle. So, rather than continue fighting and failing, he offered the castle inhabitants a deal: Stop resisting and he’d allow all the women to go free, along with whatever valuables they could carry on their backs. As for the men, they were fucked. He would behead them all. Well, as any man should do in order to protect his wife, all of the men agreed to the deal and stopped fighting — sacrificing themselves and accepting their fate as dead men. (To their wives, I like to imagine they all looked like Channing Tatum during this moment: Just super noble and handsome.)

Now, here’s where the story gets good. Adhering to the king’s offer, the women loaded up their backs with their most-prized possessions: their husbands. I’m sure a few women opted to leave theirs behind, but for the most part, each woman carried her man out of the castle. Piggybacking them to safety. Damn, those are some tough chicks. They didn’t even have CrossFit back then. Anyway, when the king’s troops saw what was happening, they were fucking furious. But, King Conrad was quite amused with the cleverness the women showed. So he replied to his troops, “A king should always stand by his word.” And, he did, allowing all of the men and women of Weinsberg Castle to live.

After this event, the women of Weinsberg became known as “Treue Weiber,” meaning “loyal women.” And, the castle grounds were later renamed to “Weibertreu.”

Well, there you have it, dudes. Treat your ladies right. You never know when you might need her to carry your dumb ass to safety. Or, at least help you onto the couch when you’ve had too much to drink.