Germanicus

15

We made it down for dinner. Just. Which was lucky because Meton had cooked my stuffed sows' wombs specially, and hell hath no fury like a chef insulted. After we'd finished I sent Bathyllus for another jug of wine and brought Perilla up to date on the case.

'The plot thickens, lady,' I said. 'According to Gaius Secundus, Livilla's on the make.'

Perilla was nibbling at some dried fruit. 'How is Secundus?' she said.

'He's doing okay. Coming along slowly.' I didn't mention the cute little stunner with the musical earrings; she might've made the connection. 'He tells me Germanicus called in at Pannonia on his way east.'

'Pannonia's rather too far off the ordinary route to Syria for calling in in passing, isn’t it?'

'That's what I thought. Mind you, the guy was paying an official visit with dispatches from the Wart. And I'd give a lot to know what was in that particular diplomatic bag.'

She sighed. 'You still think that Tiberius was responsible for Germanicus's death, don't you?' She made it sound like it was evidence of insanity.

'Yeah.' I took a swallow of Setinian. 'Maybe the Wart and Drusus had cooked something up between them. Germanicus was in Pannonia for ten days. That's enough time for Drusus to make a deal with one of his servants. Or Drusus and Livilla could've acted off their own bat.'

Perilla set down the dried apricot she was holding. 'Marcus,' she said, 'you really will have to make your mind up. First it's the emperor getting rid of an embarrassment, then it's Tiberius and Drusus together. Now you seem to be accusing Livilla of having a hand in things. They can't all be responsible.'

'Why not?'

'Because it's ridiculous, that's why not.'

'It could work. Don't knock it.'

Bathyllus padded back in with the new jug. I held it up, but Perilla shook her head.

'No, thank you,' she said. 'So you're seriously suggesting that in the short time available to them Drusus and Livilla suborned one of Germanicus's personal servants and instructed him to poison his master?'

'You got a problem with that?'

Instead of answering, Perilla raised herself on one elbow and snapped: 'Bathyllus!'

The little guy had been on his way out. He jerked round like she'd planted a hook in the tail of his tunic and pulled.

'Yes, madam,' he said. Cringed.

'I want you to poison Corvinus for me, please,' Perilla said calmly. 'How and when you do it is up to you, but I want a professional job with no fluffing around and no awkward questions asked later. Is that clear?'

'Ah…' She sounded convincing as hell. I'd never actually seen the little guy lost for words before. He looked at me and swallowed.

'Oh, go away, Bathyllus,' I said wearily. He did, with a nervous backward glance at both of us. 'Okay, point taken. But I had envisaged something just a bit more subtle.'

She picked up the apricot again. 'Perhaps so. But in a case of poisoning the family slaves are the first to be suspected. None of them were, in this instance. That, I think, is significant.'

'That's because they'd already fixed on Martina.'

'Marcus, if a slave were to poison his master society would collapse. It just isn't done.'

'Then we're up shit creek without a paddle.'

'Really? Oh how interesting.'

'I'm serious.' I poured myself another cup of Setinian. 'We can't work on nothing, and nothing's all we've got at present. Sure, the Wart could've been responsible, in theory. So could Drusus and Livilla, ditto, together or separately, with or without the emperor's backing. Or Piso and Plancina. They've all got motives of some kind or another for wanting the guy dead. Our trouble is there are too many suspects and not enough hard facts.'

'Means and opportunity?'

'They've all got them, too. At first or at second hand. Or maybe the murderer was some crazy bastard who just decided that killing a Caesar was a good idea and happened to have an afternoon free.' Jupiter! The more I thought about it the more depressing it was. I glared into my wine cup. 'Theories are fine, Perilla, but we need leads. Regulus is dead, Carillus is somewhere out in the sticks pricing goats and I can't even get decently beaten up so I can trace the bastards who did it.'

'You've forgotten someone.'

'Yeah? And who might that be?'

'Didn't you mention a man called Crispus?'

My head snapped up. 'What?'

'Caelius Crispus.'

I set the cup down. She was right. Caelius Crispus. The rumour merchant. The guy who had warned Livineius Regulus that I was coming to get him. Little oily Crispus, the doyen of the Treasury! I leaned over and planted a smacker due south of Perilla's perfect nostrils.

'I love you,' I said. 'You know that?'

'Yes, Marcus. I do, actually.'

'Hey, Bathyllus!' I yelled.

He came running; that new hernia support had done wonders.

'Yes, sir.'

'Scratch the poisoning, little guy. And whistle up the litter and half a dozen torches instead.'

Perilla was staring at me. 'You're going to see him now?' she said. 'At this time of night?'

I kissed her again. 'It’s the perfect opportunity. This is when Crispus comes alive, if you can call it living.'

She got up. 'Then I'm coming with you.'

That stopped me in my tracks. 'No way, lady!'

'Corvinus, this was my idea and I'm coming. Finish. Or we can go tomorrow. One or the other.'

Bugger. Stymied. Finding Crispus in daylight would be tricky: he didn't have an official daytime job and I'd no idea where he lived. Nights were a different matter. But taking Perilla along was something else again. I was tempted to pull head-of-the-household rank and hope that for once she'd knuckle under. Then I took a good look at her face and decided to save my breath.

'Okay,' I said. 'You can come, so long as you dress warm and keep a tight rein on your mouth. Only don't say I didn't warn you.'

Crispus spent his evenings in a certain house on the Pincian: expensive and far enough out to guarantee the Watch didn't go knocking on the door unless they had good reason to. Not that that'd ever happened, or ever would: a raid would've netted some of the biggest names in Rome, the Watch Commander's included. I hadn't given up trying to persuade Perilla even when we were on our way there. Now, while we parked the litter outside the anonymous front door, I made one final appeal.

'You want to wait here for me?' I said as casually as I could manage. 'This shouldn't take long.'

'Don't be silly, dear,' she sniffed. 'I haven't come all this way just to wait in a litter.'

Yeah, right. Oh, well, what the hell. It was her choice; and against the pig-headed stubbornness of women even the gods shrug their shoulders and call it a day.

'Okay.' I shrugged myself. 'But prepare to have your education broadened.'

'Certainly.' She smiled. 'I'm looking forward to it. I've never seen the inside of a brothel before. It is a brothel, isn't it?'

'Uh…Yeah. Yeah, sure. In a way. But not the kind you think it is.'

'You mean there are different kinds?'

Oh, Priapus on a see-saw! This was no time to explain the murkier facts of life. 'Believe it. And when we get inside just behave as normal, okay?' I paused. 'Revise that. Just don't say anything at all.'

We got out and I rapped on the door. A spyhole slipped back.

'Caelius Crispus in there, friend?' I said.

Maybe it was the name, or my seductive tones. Or it might've been the gold piece I was holding that did it. Anyway, the door swung open. I pushed Perilla ahead of me — she was muffled so you couldn't see that she didn't comply with the club's first rule of membership — and squeezed in behind.

I knew I'd asked too much of her. She took one wide eyed look round the glittering hallway with its fancy Corinthian decor and proceeded to remove any doubt over her credentials. Loudly.

'Corvinus, what are those two men doing over there?' she said. 'And why is that boy naked?'

Shit. I clapped a hand over her mouth before she could do any more damage, smiled my apologies and turned to the slave who'd let us in.

'Quick!' I snapped. 'Where's Crispus?'

The guy pointed silently and disapprovingly to a curtained alcove between two bronze satyrs. Bathyllus couldn't've done it better, even without the frizzy gilded hair and the tutu.

'Thanks, friend,' I said. Then, putting my mouth to Perilla's ear, I hissed: 'Okay, lady. Listen up. One more comment like that last one and you're divorced. Understand?' She nodded and I felt her mouth widen in a grin. I took my hand away carefully. 'Now stay right here and don't move a muscle until I tell you otherwise.'

I scratched at the curtain: whatever his bag was, Crispus had a right to privacy.

'Come in.'

Crispus's voice. I pushed the curtain aside. Luckily he was alone, reclining on a couch behind a low table set with a selection of expensive nibbles, including a pineapple. His jaw dropped a yard when he saw me. Two yards when he saw Perilla.

'Corvinus!' he said. 'What the hell are you doing here?'

'Broadening my wife's education.'

'For the gods’ sake!' He whipped a napkin over his naked appurtenances. 'You can't bring a woman in here!'

'Is that right?' I dropped the curtain behind us. 'Sorry. It must've slipped my mind.'

'This is an exclusive club!' He was fussing like a dowager whose butler has just appeared in the middle of a dinner party wearing nothing but a G-string. And I'd thought the guy was unshockable. Well, you learn something new every day.

'Okay, okay!' I sat down on the couch facing. 'Calm down, no problem. We'll be gone soon, promise.'

Perilla smiled sweetly at him. She was beginning to enjoy herself. I could tell.

'Delighted to meet you, Caelius Crispus,' she said. 'What a lovely club you have here. Who does the costumes?'

He went beetroot red and started spluttering. I turned round. 'Will you behave, lady? Please?'

'I'm sorry.' She sat down demurely on a stool to one side and folded her hands in her lap. 'There. Better?'

I glared at her. 'Look, cut it out, Perilla! Check out the wall paintings or something.' I checked them out myself. Jupiter! 'On second thoughts don't. Have a slice of pineapple.' I turned back to Crispus. 'Sorry. Domestic dispute. Where were we?'

'Corvinus, just go.' The guy was fiddling with his napkin. Now he was an interesting shade of puce. 'Both of you.'

'Sure.' I sat back. 'Gladly. Right after you explain why you lit a fire under your pal Regulus. And don't try to flannel or call for help because I can be very nasty when I like. If not now then later.'

'Look, I swear to you…'

'Don't swear. The lady doesn't like it.' I helped myself to a handful of raisins. 'Never mind the frills. Just the straight explanation, please.'

'Corvinus.' Crispus was sweating now. Really sweating. I should've thought of bringing Perilla along myself; she beat thumbscrews any day. 'Marcus. If it were just my secret, or even Regulus's, I'd tell you. Believe me.'

'I don't.'

'Of course you do! We're pals, Marcus. Only this thing's dangerous. You know what happened to Regulus.' Nervously, his fingers rubbed the space under his jawbone where a hook might just've fitted nicely. 'There're other people involved in this. Big people. You start sniffing around them and we're both dead.'

I was getting tired of this, and it was way past my bedtime. 'Come on, Crispus! Cut the crap and give! Or next time we meet you'd better have on a fast pair of sandals.'

The guy wasn't acting. I could smell his fear across the table, even above the smell of the perfume. However he was the only lead I'd got. I couldn't let up on him. No way.

'Okay,' he said at last. 'Okay. A compromise. I tell you one thing and you leave me alone. Otherwise I yell for help and you can go and fuck yourself. Deal?'

I didn't like it but I knew this was the best I'd get. 'Deal.'

'Fine.' He swallowed. 'Regulus was Piso's middleman.'

I waited. 'And?'

'That's it. All you get. Take it or leave it.'

I stared at him. 'Holy gods alive, Crispus! What the hell is this? Middleman for who? Doing what?'

'Find that out for yourself. That's all I'm saying.'

I thought about the napkin, then remembered Perilla. Maybe not. Instead, I reached over, grabbed the guy by his hair and pulled. 'Crispus, you bastard! Unless you…'

Which was as far as I got before the curtain was jerked open and a guy the size of the Capitol and made out of the same material stuck his head inside.

'You having problems with your guest, sir?' he growled. He was pointedly ignoring me. And Perilla. They breed their gorillas polite in the luxury market.

Crispus tore himself free and lay back gasping. I wiped my hair-oiled hand on my mantle.

'No, that's okay, Scorpio,' he said at last. 'Just a friendly argument. Valerius Corvinus was just leaving.' The bouncer held the curtain aside for me to walk through. Beyond it an exotic assortment of club members goggled. 'I'll see you around, Marcus. Maybe. No hard feelings, okay?'

'Yeah, sure.' If it hadn't been for Perilla I might've argued the toss, although more out of principle than sense with Tiny itching for an excuse to see how hard and how far I'd bounce. As it was, we left peaceably.

Maybe the bastard would be drummed out for bad form after all. I certainly hoped so.

Perilla kept pretty quiet on the way home. She opened her mouth once or twice and took a breath as if she were going to ask a question, but the question never came. I watched her covertly and grinned to myself.

Yeah, well, I had to admit I'd enjoyed myself, and so had she. Maybe we should go out clubbing more often.