Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters

girlology

A Girl’s Guide to Stuff That Matters

girlology

A Girls’ Guide to

Stuff* That Matters

*Relationships, body talk & girl power!

Melisa Holmes, M.D.

&

Patricia Hutchison, M.D.

Health Communications, Inc.

Deerfield Beach, Florida

www.hcibooks.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Homes, Melisa.

Girlology : a girl’s guide to stuff that matters : relationships, bodytalk & girl power / Melisa Holmes & Patricia Hutchison.

p. cm.

eISBN-13: 978-0-7573-9499-7 eISBN-10: 0-7573-9499-X

1. Girls—Life skills guides. 2. Girls—Psychology. 3. Girls—Conduct of life. I. Hutchison, Patricia. II. Title.

HQ777.H664 2005

646.7'0082—dc22

2005052506

^©2005 Melisa Holmes and Patricia Hutchison

All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

HCI, its Logos and Marks are trademarks of Health Communications, Inc.

Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.

3201 S.W. 15th Street

Deerfield Beach, FL 33442-8190

R-11-06

Cover and Inside design by Larissa Hise Henoch

Cover illustration and Inside art by Emily Eldridge

Inside Illustration also by Kevin Stawieray and Melisa Holmes

Inside book formatting by Dawn Von Strolley Grove

Contents

PART ONE: Stuck in the Middle 1 Why Me? Why Now?2 Friends Who Rock and Friends Who [Need to] Roll!3 Where Have All the Normal Parents Gone?

PART TWO: Body Talk 4 Not Your Usual Vocabulary List!5 Everybody’s Got a Body6 Periods, Period7 Boy, Oh Boy!8 S-E-X

PART THREE: There’s More to Sex!9 Sexuality: Good News, Bad News10 Mixed Messages 11 Crush or True Love?12 When IsWhat Okay?

PART FOUR: Growing Real Girl Power 13 Get Your Girl Power On!

Acknowledgments

PART ONE

Stuck in the Middle

1

Why Me? Why Now?

Spin, spin, spin. If you are a preteen or teen girl, we bet that’s what your head is doing right now!

You are probably whirling in a sea of mysterious body changes, relationship blowups and confusing information. At school and with friends, you hear chatter about periods, gossip about boyfriends and whispers about sex.

And you are probably bursting with questions. What is all this hair in weird places? Exactly how does sex happen, and why would anyone want to do that? Do I use the nasty words I see on the bathroom wall to talk about sex? What’s this stuff in my underwear? What’s up with my friends? Why do we fight and then make up all the time now? How do you tell the difference between a “boyfriend” and a friend who’s a boy? How about love and lust? And why don’t my parents get it anymore?

Guess what? There’s nothing wrong with having questions or wanting to know more—especially when it comes to your body, sex and relationships. All those crazy and confusing questions . . . they’re normal! And you probably are, too! (Do we hear a big sigh of relief?)

Girlhood Is a Gift!

You’re a girl. And you are made in an amazing and wonderful way. Because you are a girl, some things are going to happen to you: breasts, hips, pimples, periods, crushes on guys, fights with girlfriends, parents who don’t get it. You have no choice; they will happen! You are turning into a young woman, and your body and your brain are making these changes because you are developing sexually. So doesn’t it make sense that this is the time in your life to learn about these things?

Some things are guaranteed to happen. But there are other girl things you can make choices about—how you take care of your “new” body, how you use your newfound sex appeal, when you will kiss a guy or how you talk about sex to your parents. Even though there are a lot of things happening to you that are out of your control, it’s good to know that there are a lot of other things that you can control.

Girlology is going to help you open up your girlhood like a gift. We’ll rip off the wrapping paper, explore the mysteries inside, learn facts about “all things girl” and help you gain the confidence you need to decide what kind of girl you want to be.

So, What Is Girlology?

Before we dive in, let’s first tell you what Girlology is not:• Girlology is not a sex talk like you get at school.

• It’s not a science lesson.

• It’s not like a lecture from your parents.

All those things can be good, but they are not Girlology. Girlology is different.

Girlology was written by two female doctors who also happen to be mothers of daughters; one of us is a pediatrician (a doctor for children and teenagers up to about 18 years old) and the other is an obstetrician/ gynecologist (fancy words for a doctor who specializes in delivering babies and taking care of girls’ and women’s body parts that are involved in making babies). Both of us take care of lots of teens who are developing sexually. That means every day we talk to girls thinking about sex . . . avoiding sex . . . having sex . . . confused about sex . . . scared to death about consequences of sex. . . . You name it, we’ve seen it and talked about it.

We think girls are smart, unique, brave and strong, and we want you to have information that will let all that good stuff shine through!

As doctors, we see girls every day who have the same questions you do. And we see lots of girls and even women who have gotten some really wrong answers! No, your period will not stop when you go swimming. Yes, you can get pregnant the first time you have sex. No, you are not gay if you look at a naked girl in the locker room. Girlology is about giving you the straight, true facts about your body.

We also treat patients who have made healthy decisions about sex and relationships and others who aren’t so happy with the decisions they’ve made. We want you to be happy with the decisions you make! Girlology is about helping you figure out what’s important to you so that you can make decisions you will be pleased with for a long, long, long time.

Girlology is about helping you figure out a lot of things that matter— your body, your relationships and sex. It may sound scary but it’s not.

Girlology is about periods and body parts “down there.” It will help you decide how you feel about sex and sexual things. It will help you understand guys and learn how to speak up for yourself. It will help you talk to parents and other adults and gain their trust. Girlology will also teach you how to understand your friends’ and family’s values and decide what is important to you. All in all, it’s about gaining the confidence you need to develop a special type of “Girl Power!”

We’ve Got Girl Power!

Every school has them: girls who have a special sort of Girl Power. We bet you could name a girl right now who has it. She’s the one other girls trust with secrets, guys respect and teachers count on.

She may not be the prettiest or most popular, but you can’t miss her. She talks, thinks and acts in a way that shows everyone she’s confident in who she is and the choices she makes. She’s just plain different, but it’s a good kind of different!

So how did she get it—this Girl Power? Did it show up wrapped in a nice, neat package on her sixteenth birthday? Was it magically revealed to her in a fantastic dream? Did her fairy godmother wave a magic wand and Girl Power descended in a cloud of pixie dust? Nope. None of the above.

The cool thing about Girl Power is that it’s in every girl. That includes you, me and the girl sitting next to you in science class! But you’ve got to discover it, respect it and grow it. When you see a girl with strong Girl Power, you can bet that she’s been growing it since she was a preteen. You can do the same thing, and there is no better time to start than now!

Let’s Get Started!

Girlology is about finding that special Girl Power and showing you how to let it do its thing. First you will need three sharpened #2 pencils, two clean erasers, 10 pieces of wide-ruled notebook paper . . . just kidding! Girlology is nothing like a school assignment or a test. It’s meant to be read at your own pace. Pondering is encouraged!

Remember we told you that there are some things that will just happen to you because you’re a girl, and other girl things you have choices about? Well, we girls are going to talk about both in this book. We are going to challenge you to make decisions now about what choices you will make in the future. When you decide what is important today, you can make promises to yourself that you can stick to as you get older. These promises you make to yourself are important promises to keep!

We Need to Talk

When it comes to sexual things, you are going to want to talk about them. And everyone is going to be telling you something about sex. Here’s where your Girl Power comes in—it’s up to you to decide who can be trusted with your thoughts and feelings and who you can trust to give you good information. You will find out that some people want to tell you things about sex for your good, and other people want to tell you things about sex for their good.

All right, let’s start with the “for your good” crowd. These are usually people like your parents, your family, doctors, nurses, religious leaders and teachers. Close friends can also be great, especially when it comes to sharing your thoughts and feelings, but they may not know all the facts about sexual things.

As for the “for their good” crowd, these people want to sell you stuff, persuade you to do what makes them feel good or show off. They are usually advertisers on TV and in magazines, certain movies and TV shows, and some friends or boyfriends.

The trick is to listen to people who can help you decide what is important to you and good for you—people who can help you decide on values you can stick to for the rest of your life.

How you think and feel about yourself, your body, sex and sexual things are important stuff. You need to ask questions and get real answers. You need to share your feelings and know they will be kept private. And you can only do this with someone you trust. Girlology will help you decide who is worthy of your trust.

But It’s Kind of Embarrassing

Lots of things you read in this book will be good things to bring up with your mom, your dad or another trusted adult. Think those adults are clueless? Hopeless? Completely and utterly out of touch? Well, you’ll be surprised to know that they were not dropped on this planet as adults. They actually had to go through the same stages that you are going through to become sexually mature. And while that may have happened in the “dark ages,” most of them really do remember a lot about it.

Think your parents will be embarrassed by sex talk? They might be. You might be. But we promise that the more you talk about it, the easier it will get—for you and for them.

Puberty We don’t really talk about puberty a lot in this book because most of you are already in the midst of it or well beyond the beginning stages. Just to give you a definition, puberty is the time during a girl’s or guy’s life when they are becoming more adult- like in their body, including their appearance and their thinking. The word puberty comes from two different Latin words. One is pubertas, which means “adult-like,” and the other is pubescere, which means “to grow hairy or mossy.” Nice. Puberty starts for girls between the ages of eight and twelve. The usual start is with breast development, although plenty of girls start with pubic hair instead. For guys, puberty starts a little later, around the ages of ten to fourteen. Their start isn’t as obvious because the first sign for them is that their testicles grow. Later signs for them are penis growth, facial hair and voice changes. Puberty lasts longer for guys than for girls. In fact, most girls are finished growing within two years after starting their periods. Guys sometimes don’t finish growing until they are older teens, around seventeen to nineteen.

It’s a Life Lesson

Sex, breasts, periods, guys, body parts, Girl Power, choices, values, talking to adults—whew! That’s a lot to learn, but we’re going to make it interesting and fun. It might occasionally be weird, too. But hey, sometimes that can be the most interesting part!

Life lessons are supposed to be learned slowly. And that’s what Girlology is—a life lesson. Remember, we’re going to grow us some Girl Power . . . and growing takes time. So there’s no need to race through this book. Read a chapter; think about it. Read some more. Think some more. Read. Think. Read. Think. Get the hang of it?

You might even want to write down your thoughts. There is room for that. There are some quizzes and journaling ideas. Have at it! It’s not a school assignment, so have some fun. No pressure or grades!

The whole idea of a sex book may be freaking you out a little bit right now. Sexual maturing and growing up is confusing to everyone when it happens. But you know what? It’s just life. You can’t hide from it or ignore it—in fact, your changing body and brain will make you see it and think about it, sometimes a lot.

Girlology wants to take the mystery out of it all. Don’t think of this as just a “sex book.” Keep thinking of it as a life lesson. And when you finish this lesson, you’ll have a better idea about who you are and who you want to become. You’ll also have a plan for your sexual and relationship choices—a real plan using true information and based on your own values. A plan you can live with for years to come.

We know that girls are smart enough to make sense of all this confusing sex stuff. So turn on your brains, bring along your feelings and be prepared to discover great things about being a girl. Girl Power, here we come!

2

Friends Who Rock and Friends Who [Need to] Roll!

For most girls, friends rock!

(Or do they?)

The middle school and high school social scene can be very strange—sometimes awesome, sometimes confusing and ugly. Girls say and do things to impress boys and other girls. Ditto for boys. Sometimes kids are nice to you; sometimes they’re not. A trusted friend can suddenly be mean to you. Gossip abounds. There are cliques (pronounced “click”), clubs and groups that may embrace you or may make you feel left out. People you never knew before may suddenly seem more interesting than your old friends.

It may seem confusing now, but don’t fear! There is a reason all of this is happening! Your brain is actually preprogrammed to help you accomplish two very important tasks before you become an adult:1. Your brain is helping you to become more independent from your family.

2. Your brain is also helping you develop your values, your personality, your likes and your dislikes; you are figuring out who you are as an individual.

Now that’s exciting stuff! Are you rolling your eyes right now and thinking that what we think is exciting is really too much grown-up stuff? Well . . . as a teen, you are sort of a “grown-up in the making.” So bring those rolling eyeballs back to the page and read on!

Friends Over Family

Okay, so one of your jobs is to become more independent from your family. Believe it or not, your brain is programmed to make you want to hang out with your friends more and your parents less. It’s supposed to happen that way. You can tell your parents we said so.

Does that mean you abandon your family altogether? Nope. Does it mean you never hug, cuddle or play with your parents? Absolutely not! Does it mean that given a choice between going to the mall with your buds and playing a rousing game of Monopoly with your family, you pick your buds? Probably.

Things are going to change. It can be strange for you and your family. Your parents are used to making all your decisions for you. They are used to having a little girl who looks to them for guidance and assurance. That doesn’t totally stop, but now you are talking more to friends about important stuff, you are having your own ideas and you want more freedom to make your own decisions about where you go, what you wear and who your friends are.

Why Don’t You Trust Me?

Raise your hand if you’ve ever said “. . . but why don’t you trust me?” One, two, three, four . . . eight million, three hundred twenty-seven thousand, two hundred ninety-six hands . . . yep, your brains are working just fine on that independence thing!

Independence is a very grown-up word. It doesn’t mean “I get to do whatever I want to do, whenever I want to do it.” Your brain tells you to become more independent so you can mature into an adult—not turn into a wild and reckless party animal!

The parents of all you party-animals-in-the-making also have a job to do as you gain independence. Their job is to make sure you can handle it. As much as it may bug you, your parents are doing their job when they want to meet your friends, give you curfews, supervise the clothes you wear and ask where you are going. That’s what their brains are wired to do. We’ll talk more about your parents in the next chapter. Let’s get back to you and your independence.

Just in case you were getting a little nervous about the whole independence thing, relax. You don’t have to do it all by yourself. Of course, you have your parents to help you along the way, but you also have friends. A group of friends is super important as you become more independent and figure out who you are. It can be kind of hard, though, because there are all kinds of cliques and groups, and you may not be sure where you fit in. Sometimes you feel more comfortable with your family; sometimes you click with one group of friends, sometimes with another group.

Time to figure out where you fit in!

Who Am I?

Huh? You don’t already know who you are? Well, you have a name, an address and a birth date. That’s a start. Take a look in the mirror. You have a unique look and a personal style.

Those are some of the givens. But who you are depends more on the decisions you make, ways you act, stuff you experience and challenges you take on.

“Who am I?” is a deep question. Thankfully, it doesn’t have to be totally answered right now. Whether you know it or not, your brain is causing you to do things, have feelings and make choices that are getting you closer to the answer. It’s a question you will be working on your entire life. But for now, you can’t help but deal with it a little bit . . . and sometimes a lot.

Around your middle school and high school years, your brain sends you messages that you might not even notice. It’s telling you to try new things, new thoughts and new ideas. This helps you “try on” some new things to see what fits. It helps you answer tough questions like: What’s important to me? How do I want other people to see me? Is there someone I look up to and want to be like one day? How will I dress? What will I look like, sound like, act like, be when I’m grown up? It’s important to remember that you can’t prevent these messages and impulses from your growing brain, but you can control the way you respond to them by staying in control of your actions and behaviors.

What are words you want people to use to describe you? Loyal? Fun? Intelligent? Clever? Creative? Patient? Kind? Artsy? Curious? Dramatic? Well, show them who you are!

For example, you decide that kindness is a trait that describes you. Well, to be a kind person, you have to act like a kind person! (Surprise!) Begin noticing when you do and don’t do things. Pick up a stranger’s book when she drops it. Save a seat at lunch for your friend. Compliment a girlfriend on her new haircut. Fix your own lunch when your mom is running late. Find at least one nice thing to say about a girl that other girls are gossiping about. Want to be known as reliable and trustworthy? Then do what you say you will do. Keep the secret you said you would keep. Be on time. Call when you say you will call. Return the shirt you borrowed, and make sure it is clean!

People will know you by your actions. Actions really do speak louder than words. And it’s all part of your brain telling you to be more independent. There are probably lots of qualities you want others to know you by.

Maybe you see yourself as kind, creative and honest. Maybe you are generous, trustworthy and funny. How about creative, loyal and colorful? Pick a few qualities you’d like to show, and show them off! In many ways, you can choose what kind of person you want to be and then make it happen.Words I want other people to use to describe me:

Things I can do so that people will see me as I want to be seen:

Friends—Are They Walkin’ or Just Talkin’?

This whole “actions speak louder than words” thing helps you become the person you want to be . . . and it also lets you see what kind of people your friends really are. And when you know what other people are really like, that helps you know where you fit in.

Do you know any girls (or guys) who say they are your friends but then do things that aren’t so friendly? Like the girl who spots you across the room in that new, cool jacket she saw at the mall and suddenly she is falling all over you, calling you “her new best friend” and asking you to sit at her lunch table? Then you find out she’s telling other girls you think you’re “so cool” because of your fancy new clothes? Seen it happen? Been there, done that?

Doesn’t it make you angry? What that girl says and what she does just don’t match up! That’s called “talkin’ the talk” (she says she is a friend) but not “walkin’ the walk” (she doesn’t act like a friend).

True friends encourage you and build you up. They listen. They focus on the good things about you. They are honest and loyal. They tell you when you have toilet paper stuck to your shoe or your shirt’s on inside out. They say nice things about you to other people. They keep your secrets. They apologize when they mess up.

True friends don’t tear you down, “dis” you or make you feel foolish. They don’t gossip about you or focus on your weaknesses. They don’t tell you that you look great when they know your fly is wide open or let you talk to your crush with broccoli in your braces. They definitely don’t call you mean or embarrassing names, especially in front of other people.

Remember we talked about there being things that just happen to you (breasts, hips, pimples, periods) and other things you have choices about (when you kiss a guy, what you talk to your parents about, how you take care of your body)? Thankfully, friends are one of those things you get to choose!

And girl, you have some serious choices to make! We already know that your brain is telling you to be more independent, to spend more time away from your family and with your friends. The friends you choose to spend this extra time with are important! And the great news is that you have the power to make important choices like this that matter.

What do you value most in a friend? Trustworthiness? Loyalty? Rowdiness? Braininess? Humor? Religious devotion? Joyfulness? Truthfulness? Kindness? We could go on for pages and pages, because the truth of the matter is that you will choose friends with a combination of many traits you admire.

Try this. When you are deciding who will be in your close circle of friends, ask yourself: Is she walkin’ or just talkin’? If her actions match her words, you have a friend worth keeping! Here are some examples:

ScenarioTalkin' the TalkWalkin' the WalkYou have a crush on Luke. Luke asks your best friend to meet him at the movies. She knows that you would be hurt if you thought Luke liked her instead.Your friend tells you that Luke is a loser so you won't like him anymore, and she meets him at the movie in secret.Your friend tells Luke that she is flattered, but she can't go. She suggests that he calls you because she knows you don't have anything planned for FridayThe big party of the year is coming up. Your best bud is invited, but you aren't. One of the girls having the party tells your friend that she thinks you are a nerd and encourages her to come hang with the "popular" kids.Your best bud tells you she has family plans, but she goes to the party anyway.Your friend thanks the hostess for the invitation, but she hangs with you instead. She realizes that if they don't respect you for who you are, then they are not the type of people she wants to hang with anyway.Your friend is walking down the hall and sees you coming out of the bathroom. The hem of your cute skirt is accidentally tucked in your underwear, and your butt is almost showing. She's a long way down the hall.She laughs hysterically, ducks into her next class and tells everyone about it.She runs down the hall and quietly stands behind you, tells you and makes sure you get your skirt right.You tell your best friend two big secrets. One, your parents are separating. Two, you are seeing a therapist to help you with your emotions. It's obvious you are very sensitive about these two issues.Your friend acts all sad for you, but then you find out she told another girl that you are seeing a therapist so you must be "crazy."Your friend offers emotional support and keeps your secrets. She is there for you whenever you need her, and she's a great listener.

Introducing . . . Miss Popularity!

Remember Girl Power? It’s the confidence that lets you make choices that are good for you, even if they aren’t the same choices everybody else is making. Well, get ready to use your Girl Power, because the crazy thing is that sometimes the most popular girls are the ones who tear you down and don’t build you up. Go figure!

That kind of popularity is usually based on negative things. Some girls bully their way into being popular by intimidating or threatening people. Maybe they make you wish you had their gorgeous hair, killer clothes or good body. Maybe they flaunt their “sexiness” or put other people down. Lots of people seem almost afraid of this kind of popular girl because they don’t want to be on her “bad side.”

Oh, the glitz . . . the glamour . . . the fame of basking in the glow of the ever-popular, ever-beautiful, ever-manipulative girls! Yuck! The bottom line is that choosing positive, caring, trustworthy friends might mean that you have to distance yourself from a particular popular crowd.

That’s the yuck side of popularity. But “popularity” is not always a word you choke down like a bitter pill. There are marvelous reasons to be popular. They are all reasons about who you are, what your strengths are, what your talents are and things you have in common with other people. All positive things about you!

Popular just means that certain people like you. The soccer goalie is popular with the athletic crowd. The guy who plays Romeo in the school play is popular with the drama crowd. The girl who reads to sick children at the hospital is popular with the community service crowd. Everybody can be popular in her own way!

And remember that being popular is not the same as having a lot of friends. True friends know each other well, not just superficially. Just because a lot of people may know someone or may like her doesn’t necessarily mean they are all her good friends. Consider yourself lucky if you have even one close friend who is the true, heart-to-heart, soul-to-soul, secret-sharing, help-you-through-anything, stand-up-for-you-always kind of friend. Now, that’s more important than popular will ever be!

En Garde! Words as Weapons

Think about the last five times you got into an argument with a friend. What happened most often? Did you get your feelings hurt by something she said, or did she bust your lip with a vicious punch to the chin? We’re betting your friend’s weapon of choice was her words and not her fist.

The weapon of choice among girls—words?!? Well, think about it. Feelings are fragile things, and some words can be like a sword piercing right through your gut! Consider the following verbal attacks:

You help a guy friend with math homework, and another girl tells everybody, “She is so in love with him!” Ouch!

“Those jeans are totally Kmart.” Ouch!

“Idiot!” Double ouch!

When you hear these things, think “Girl Power!” Am I an idiot? No. Am I totally in love with every guy friend I help out? No. Are my jeans Kmart? Well, maybe, but they are the cutest pair in town, so who cares?

Unfortunately, we can’t control physical brain changes and hormones, so gossiping, insults, backstabbing and discouragement will always be around. But remember, just because someone says it about you doesn’t make it true.

Of course, piercing words aren’t just what “other girls” use. Your brain is telling you to fit in; it’s telling you to join a group separate from your family; it’s even telling you to exclude people from your circle of friends. Hey, brain, cut that out!

What Kind of Friend Are You?

Whew! That’s a pretty unpleasant picture we’ve painted. So are middle school and high school nothing but a bunch of mean girls tearing each other to pieces? Heck, no!

While you can’t control the physical things that happen to you, you can control (Girl Power!) how you react to them. Once again, we get to balance the things we can’t control (brain and hormone changes) with things we can control (actions). We can choose to put down that sword, retract those claws and be a good friend to those around us. The Golden Rule is the perfect guide for friendship: Treat others the way you want them to treat you.

Remember that all middle and high school girls’ brains are giving them signals to be more independent and try on new ideas, actions and attitudes. You don’t need to totally drop a friend the first time she is mean to you. People change! Maybe that same girl just tried on a “snobby” personality for a couple days and found it didn’t fit. Remember, you’re all working through this together.

A great way to have true friends is to be a true friend. Remember that you will be insulting and you will gossip about other people. Some girls will do it more than others, but a good friend will apologize (and mean it) when she messes up. And good friends accept apologies graciously.

Now we get to the meat of friendship . . . what kind of friend are you? Do your actions match up to your words? Do you treat other people the way you want to be treated? When you choose friends by asking yourself, “Are they walkin’ or just talkin’?” ask the same about yourself. Remember that list of words you want other people to use to describe you? Do your actions make those things true about you, or is it just talk?What have you done lately that was “just talkin’”?1.2.3.What have you done lately that was really “walkin’”?1.2.3.

Cliques

What do you look for in a friend? Does a girl have to wear the trendiest clothes? Be athletic? Read two novels a week? Wear black all the time? Play in the band? Be a drama queen, a cheerleader or a yearbook staffer?

You’ve seen the groups. They hang out together, eat lunch together, and sometimes even dress and act alike. Lots of groups have names. In most schools there are jocks, cheerleaders, preppies, goths, brainiacs, druggies, gearheads and artsy-fartsies. Your school probably has other groups that don’t have such stereotypical names but are just as well-known. Can you name them?

Preteen and teen girls have a funny way of defining their groups. Clique is one way to describe a group of people who hang together. The word clique is usually used in a sort of negative way. Cliques can give “outsiders” a negative feeling because a lot of cliques don’t let anyone else in, and they can be snobby and mean about it.

Have you ever seen a group make fun of other people who aren’t like them? When groups of people get together, they feel a lot more powerful than any one person would ever feel alone. In a group, people will do things they would never do on their own—sometimes mean things or risky things. At the head of many cliques is a leader who likes control. Some of these leaders win friends by insisting on loyalty and making people scared they will be excluded if they don’t go along with everything the leader says.

But there are also good leaders. They are the girls who gather people together based on shared interests. They welcome new friends into the group. And they allow you to have other friends outside of the group. They don’t boss their friends. These types of groups also have more power than any one individual would have, and they can accomplish powerful and amazing things—good things.

You may even belong to several different groups. You can be a soccer player and a brainiac at the same time. You can share common interests with your neighborhood friends and your friends from your religion’s youth group. The girls you meet at a Red Cross babysitting class can even become a clique because you all share the same job.You may be in a group or clique yourself. Do other people have a special name for your group?

Who is in your group?

What do all the girls in your group have in common?

Do you welcome other girls or exclude them?

Outsiders and Feelings of Isolation

We hate to keep bringing up the yuck side of cliques, girl relationships and brain changes, but these things are important. Feelings of isolation and being on the outside are normal and real.Really real. At some point, almost everyone experiences these feelings a little or a lot. They happen to you and every one of your classmates.

For starters, kids who make other people feel isolated and on the outside on purpose are not worth a minute of your time. That just had to be said. We know that’s an easy statement to make and a tough statement to live by. But we also know that it is true!

Girls who want to make other girls feel left out use some pretty sneaky tactics. They’ll tell secrets, start rumors, exclude you, give you the silent treatment or manipulate you with confusing talk and demands. They may try to “steal” your other friends by monopolizing their time or telling them bad things about you.

They may also use more obvious tactics like putting you down and making snide remarks in front of other people. They may tease you, harass you and reveal secrets you told them. They may even attack you physically. And sometimes they can totally ignore you and exclude you, like you are invisible or a puff of smoke they brush aside with a wave of the hand.

Feeling ignored, unknown and invisible can be the worst feeling of all. If it happens to you, you can believe it has happened to a lot of other girls, too. When you find someone who has had the same feeling, it’s almost a relief to know you are not alone, and better yet, you are not invisible! Nobody is. Sometimes it just takes finding the friend who sees you well. People who ignore you are just looking at superficial stuff. They obviously don’t know who you are on the inside—the real you.

We’ll let you in on a big secret. People put other people down to make themselves feel better . . . that means the popular girl who makes a snide comment about a classmate may be a little jealous. She probably sees something in another girl that she doesn’t have. That kind of bully wants to make her “prey” feel bad about themselves, so the bully can feel like she has power over them.

So how do you handle it? What does a bully hope to get by bullying? Power. How do you keep the power away from a bully? You don’t give her what she wants, which is usually crying, feeling bad about yourself and sucking up to the bully. You have control over how you respond. You don’t have to feel bad about yourself just because someone wants you to. And you know what’s really cool? If the bully doesn’t get any power from you, she will leave you alone.

Boy . . . Friends?

Now through this whole thing, we have mostly talked about your girlfriends as being your best friends, but we need to back it up a minute. What about friends who are boys?

Before we go any further, let’s set the record straight so we don’t get confused. When we talk about your friends who are boys, we mean boys that you don’t have a crush on and don’t have romantic interests in . . . we’ll call them guy friends. When we talk about the boy you hang out with and have romantic feelings for, a special boy you like and who likes you back . . . we’ll call them boyfriends.

And then there are guys you have a crush on, but they don’t necessarily like you back in that same way. Your crush could be a famous singer who’s never met you or a guy in your math class who doesn’t even know you. Maybe it’s the boy next door who thinks of you as a little kid or the lifeguard you met this summer at the pool. Anyway, it’s a person who gives you “happy” butterflies in your stomach and someone you like to think about being romantic with, someone you want to know more about and someone you might think about a lot. We’ll call them crushes.

It can get pretty confusing because your crush can become your boyfriend and a boyfriend should definitely be a crush. A guy friend can become a boyfriend or a crush and vice versa. So you see, all these friendships can overlap and get all tangled up to the point that you’re not really sure how to define the relationship. That’s okay, too. Nobody is going to give you a test on it. It’s just the lingo we’ll use in this book to try to keep us talking the same language.

Lots of girls have great guy friends. Sometimes it’s easier to talk with a guy friend than it is to talk with your girlfriends. Guys and girls have different points of view on the same question. Guys and girls think differently, too. Something a girl thinks is a huge deal may be hardly worth talking about for a guy, and vice versa. Your guy friends can help you understand the ways boys think (“Boys think?” you say? Contrary to popular belief, they do!) and help put some things in perspective for you. Both girlfriends and guy friends are valuable friends.

Nothing More Than Feelings

There’s a fairly goofy old-school song that goes, “Feelings . . . nothing more than feelings. . . .” Nothing more than feelings? Ha! It’s more like nothing more important than feelings!

Feelings will affect your friendships, your relationship with your parents, your interactions with teachers and your response to your siblings all day every day—especially while your brain is sending you those “Who am I?” messages. The tough thing about feelings is that they can grab hold of you with lightning speed even when it’s not a reasonable feeling based on truth. Based on truth? Here’s what that looks like:

A girl at school calls you a loser. Are you a loser? No, but you still feel insecure.

You get a bad grade on a test. Was the test unfair? No, but you still feel angry at your teacher.

A classmate makes fun of the car your mother drives. Is a minivan a perfectly good mode of transportation? Yes, but you still feel defensive.

Feelings aren’t bad, but the way we express feelings can be bad. Check your feelings against the truth of what’s happening. That first feeling that sweeps over you may change!

Agree to Disagree

Tolerance. It’s a word that gets tossed around a lot these days. Everyone has a right to her opinion, her own likes and dislikes, and her own ideas. Being tolerant of other people’s opinions doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with them. Tolerance means you put up with things (opinions, beliefs, actions, appearances) that you may not agree with. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have opinions of your own or that you can’t argue your own opinion. It simply means you have to listen to the other side, be open to new ideas and agree to disagree if you don’t find common ground. Learning to agree to disagree is part of learning tolerance and respect.

Tolerance also means that people can behave, dress, speak and look different from you, but you learn to accept them for who they are, even if you don’t like what you see or hear (as long as they are not physically or emotionally hurting you).

All of our differences make up the diversity in the world. Tolerance is accepting the diversity and learning to appreciate it for making the world an interesting place. You’ve probably heard it before, but it’s worth saying again . . . if everyone in the world were the same, the world would be a very boring place! We are good at enjoying the things we have in common with our friends, but we have to learn to respect and appreciate our differences as well as our similarities.

You can respect someone’s opinion without agreeing with it. Learning respect and tolerance can be tough, but it’s important. It helps you keep the peace with people who are different from you. That’s how we can each contribute to peace on a larger scale—in our schools, in our cities, in our countries, even in the world. Not to be corny, but there’s a great song about it: “Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me. . . .” It’s about tolerance and respect. These are good things to remember when you are building your Girl Power.

What Do You Do with Feelings?

Feelings are a big-time part of friendships. Friends can make us feel happy, comfortable, content and safe. But some friends can give us bad feelings by making us feel jealous, embarrassed, threatened or angry.

What do you do when you have these bad feelings? Do you explode in a fit of angry words? Do you punch something? Or somebody? Do you hold it all inside and erupt like a volcano later on? Do you cry? Put yourself down? Hang your head in shame?

No doubt about it, feelings have to be expressed. Having feelings is not one of those things you have a choice about; how you respond is a powerful thing you can choose.

Okay, let’s start with the punching response. Smacking someone across the face will always make the situation worse. Once the punching starts, everyone totally forgets what they are arguing over. Lots of black eyes, bloody noses and scratch marks. No solutions.

Instead, try sentences like these:

I don’t like it when you drive too fast because it makes me feel scared.

I don’t want you to touch me like that because it’s uncomfortable for me.

I don’t agree that she’s a nerd just because she likes classical music.

That’s not true. You can get pregnant the first time you have sex; I read it in our health book.

It’s not fair to exclude her just because she wears black fingernail polish.

Use words! State your case! It will help you release your feelings even if the other person just argues back.

But what if that doesn’t really work? What if you still are boiling with emotion? First of all, if anyone hits you, bullies you over and over again or makes you feel ashamed because they talk dirty to you or touch your body in ways that make you uncomfortable, go to an adult for help! None of these things should happen to you. You deserve to be protected from this kind of bullying and abuse, and the people who do it should be stopped!

That’s the worst-case scenario. But usually your feelings overflow from a personal disagreement. Step back, get away from the situation that has you all wound up and cool down. Count to ten. Grab a piece of paper, and write down your feelings. Write a letter to yourself, a letter to the person who caused your feelings to erupt or a journal entry. Talk to someone about it. Send the letter if you want, or rip it to shreds if that feels better. Get it out and let it go, or get it out and do something to help the situation! A lot of times, just getting your feelings out with your voice or on paper can help a ton!

Need Help?

Sometimes the pain of feelings can get so bad that you may be tempted to “deaden the pain.” That’s when some girls and guys turn to alcohol and drugs to get “high” and “forget about it.” They may look for sex to feel wanted. Some may try self-mutilation (scratching, cutting or hurting yourself in other ways) to block out bad feelings with physical pain or to get rid of “numb” feelings.

What? Are you crazy? Cut myself just because I’m angry? We know that’s what some of you are thinking. But some of you may have already tried it, thought about it or know someone who has done it. It’s a painful, desperate situation and more common than we’d like to think. It can be a cry for help when you don’t know exactly how to get help. And if your friends are encouraging you to use sex, drugs, alcohol or cutting to “feel better,” they need help, too.

Find someone you trust. If not your parents, maybe a teacher, a coach, a religious leader or another adult relative. Believe it or not, they went through the exact same changes you are going through. They might be surprised, but they may have had some of the same thoughts and fought similar battles. They have most likely known someone or even helped someone dealing with the same stuff. And they can help you get the kind of help you need.

If you’re afraid to talk to an adult, ask a friend to find help for you. If you know of someone doing these things, tell an adult. Sex, drugs, alcohol and cutting are not secrets you want to keep. In fact, they are dangerous secrets to keep.How do you know when you are getting angry?

How do you express your anger?

How can you deal with your anger better?

So, What’s the Point?

So why did we have to go through the good, the bad and the ugly on friendships? The point is that everyone your age is going through the same thing. Everyone is trying to accomplish the normal and necessary task of growing up—becoming more independent from their families and figuring out who they are.

That means that there are a lot of confused and mixed-up kids roaming the halls of your school and the streets of your neighborhood. Guys and girls are growing into new bodies, changing friends, trying new things, experiencing unusual emotions, expressing themselves in interesting ways and figuring out their own feelings. Plus they are trying to figure out why everyone else is acting the way they are!

Whew! That’s a lot to do. But it explains why your best friend turns mean one day and is back to normal three days later. It explains why the boy you’ve known since preschool, the same one you played cops and robbers with in first grade and soccer with in third grade, suddenly looks “cute” to you in sixth grade. It explains why you want to crawl into your dad’s lap one day and then think he is an embarrassing dork the next.

It can be strange, but it definitely is normal. You are trying on new personalities, new friendships, new ways of thinking and figuring out where you fit in. One of the hardest parts of growing Girl Power involves learning how to be and how to find good girlfriends (and guy friends). You can’t control what your friends do or who they become, but you have the power to choose friends who bring out the best in you. So let the bad friends roll, and you rock on, girl friend !

3

Where Have All the Normal Parents Gone?

So one night your parents go to bed normal, nice, reasonable people, and the next morning they wake up random, clueless, goofy aliens. Sound familiar?

But wait a minute. Before we talk about how weird parents can seem to teenagers, let’s talk about parents in general. While the traditional family with a mom, a dad, some kids and a few pets is still strong, there are lots of other types of “parental arrangements.” Some kids are raised by a stepparent, some by a grandparent, some by only a mom and some by only a dad. Some are raised by a guardian, some by a parent and his or her “partner,” and some by other parent substitutes. Other kids have one parent for a few days a week and another parent for the other days. That means some kids are dealing with four “parent types” on a regular basis!

The possibilities for parental arrangements seem endless, but do you get the picture? Parents come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They can be wrinkled grandmas, necktie-wearing salespeople or entrepreneurs with an office in the basement. They can be blood relatives, adoptive parents, family members by marriage or foster parents.

So when we talk about parents,we want you to envision the adults in your life who sign your permission slips. They are the people who buy you food, clothing, shelter and the occasional movie ticket. They discipline you, love you and protect you. If you don’t have the traditional family of mom, dad, brother, sister, Fido . . . you are definitely not alone, and all this parent talk still applies to you. When we say “parents” or “mom” or “dad,” you can read that however it fits in your life.

And now back to the topic we’ve all been waiting for—clueless parents!

Ch-Ch-Changes

Okay, we know that preteen and teenager brains and bodies are changing. But what about parents? Do they seem to be morphing into more nagging, embarrassing, uninformed beings every day? Is it them? Is it you? Let’s settle this issue fair and square . . . quiz time! Check “T” or “F.”

TF My parent(s) embarrass me in front of my friends. My parent(s) don't understand me. My parent(s) ask too many questions. My parent(s) don't like my friends. My parent(s) nag me about the way I dress. My parent(s) don't trust me. My parent(s) let my brother/sister get away with everything! My parent(s) are way too nosy about my schoolwork and social life. My parent(s) don't listen to me.

If you answered true to any of these questions, guess what? You’re normal. You’re like a lot of teens, in fact, a vast majority of teens, who think their parents “just don’t get” them. Why are parents that way? This may come as a big surprise, but it’s a little bit about them and a lot about you.

The funny thing is that your parents probably haven’t changed the way they are; they are just dealing with teenage issues now. These issues are different and more serious than little kid things, so parents may seem more strict and annoying in the way they guide you.

The real difference is the way you see them and respond to them. Your perception of your parents is changing pretty quickly!

But Why?

Remember how your body is changing, and your brain is changing, too? Those brain changes make you see your parents a little differently. When you were younger, you expected your parents to be totally involved and physically present in every aspect of your life. You may not have liked the rules, but you liked your parents being there because you needed their help. The world was bigger and scarier, and you relied on your parents to guide you through unfamiliar situations.

Well, now that you’ve been around longer, the world is not such a scary place. You can walk to a friend’s house without getting lost. You can heat up pizza in the microwave. You can stay at home by yourself without being afraid. You can check out library books, make phone calls, pay a cashier and even be in charge of younger children.

Now when your parents give you limits and rules, you don’t think, “I feel safe.” You think, “Hey! You’re trampling on my independence!” And that’s a normal response. The bottom line is that you and your parents have to grow into your new independent being. They will have to change their rules and their limits to allow you to be more independent. You will have to earn independence bit by bit.

Be patient! Most parents want what’s best and safest for their kids. The more you prove that you can be responsible with the little things (chores, keeping up with your own stuff, calling when you get to a friend’s house), the more independence they will give you. Voilà! Everyone is happy!

You Grow, Brain!

Just as your body has to grow into an adultlike body, your brain has to change into an adultlike brain (sound creepy?). And just as your body takes years to grow all those “woman parts,” your brain takes your entire teen years to grow.

Two particular parts of your brain are growing like crazy! The first big grower is the part that helps you understand things like algebra. That’s why we don’t learn algebra in the second grade—our brains couldn’t handle it! The same area in your brain also lets you understand “invisible” things like faith, trust, feelings and values. That’s why you may be questioning the faith and values of your family. While it can be a little unsettling, kind of like thinking without a safety net, don’t be afraid to question. Your parents may have taught you well, but your brain is now telling you to claim faith and values for yourself. Go for it!

Another brain part, your amygdala (uh MIG duh luh), is also cookin’ away. This is the emotional center in your brain. By growing, it makes you experience emotions in a stronger way than you have before. You will begin to have intense feelings like anger, love and sadness.

While your amygdala is growing, it also interferes with your ability to figure out what emotions other people are feeling by their facial expressions, body language and tone of voice. So when you see a parent (or friend) with a wrinkled forehead and squinted eyes, you might jump to the conclusion that she is angry when in reality she is confused or worried or maybe just has a headache!

Your emotional center also makes you respond with big, lightning-quick emotions—like a firecracker popping. So that parent who was confused makes you suddenly explode with an angry yell before you realize that she wasn’t angry at all. Then she does get angry because you yelled at her, and then your anger gets even bigger. Yada, yada, yada . . . what a mess it can cause!

See what we mean when we say this “clueless parent” phenomenon is a little bit about them and a lot about you? You may feel like your parents spontaneously turned more angry, more controlling, more nosy, more whatever overnight, but the way you interpret their responses is really what’s changing. There goes that brain, doing a number on you again!

My Brain Made Me Do It!

Besides these brain centers that are changing, scientists have also identified specific “developmental tasks” that you need to accomplish during your teen years. When you were a child, your “developmental tasks” were things like learning to sit, walk, talk, pick up a Cheerio with your finger and thumb, and potty train.

Now that you can successfully navigate a toilet (we’re sooo impressed!), you get to move on to new tasks. Actually, they may seem more like annoying little chores. The most obvious tasks are physical ones like growing breasts, starting a period, getting taller, growing hips and growing new hair. Your major mental/emotional tasks aren’t as obvious as breasts and pubic hair, but they still happen to everyone!

As we talked about, the first task is to become more independent from your parents and more connected with your friends. If you are ever going to become a responsible, independent adult, of course, you have to learn to do things all by yourself.

This parent-friend combo helps you accomplish your second big mental/emotional task—figuring out the deep question of “who you are.” That means you consider your parents’ values and your friends’ values, and then you decide what’s important to you. What kind of person do I want to be? What are my talents? What are my weaknesses? What will my family, my career, my faith and my accomplishments look like in ten or twenty years?

We talked a lot about this in chapter 2. If you’re still wondering how to start figuring out “who you are,” go back and check it out again.

Invasion of the Body Snatcher

None of this is to say that your brain is holding your entire body, mind and personality hostage! When your brain gives you those “I need to be independent” messages, it may make you want to lash out with arguments, insults and disobedience when an adult challenges your independence.

Likewise, your brain may make you want to respond with anger, snide comments or unfriendly threats when your friends (or you!) try on “new” personalities on your quest to find out “who you are.”

You can’t control the messages your brain is sending you. Really. It’s just the way your brain develops. But you do have control over how you respond to your brain’s messages.

Right now you argue so much because your brain is also developing logical reasoning. You need reasons for your parents’ rules; you want to know why your friends act the way they do. So ask your parents what purpose they have for a rule instead of responding with, “You can’t make me!” Even if you don’t like their reason, they probably have one that seems good to them. Once you know their purpose, you can negotiate a compromise that gives you some independence and also sets limits they think are good for you.

It works like this: Let’s say you want to go see a movie, Selena’s Summer Secret (a made-up title), with some girlfriends and some guy friends. You ask your mom, and she’s says, “Absolutely not.” You immediately assume that she doesn’t trust your friends, thinks you pick lousy friends and maybe even hates your friends. And you tell her so! Yep, the perfect beginning to the perfect argument!

Or . . . you could tell her calmly that you really want to practice doing things on your own and ask her why she doesn’t want you to go. (Note the word calmly. You are seeking information, not a fight here!) You choose this route and find out that it’s not the friends she doesn’t approve of, it’s the movie! Turns out she read a review online and found out that it has really graphic sexual scenes and even shows naked breasts right there on the screen!

Wow! She really did have a good reason. You would have been mortified to be sitting right next to Derek when they showed naked breasts on the screen! So now that you know her reason, you can compromise. You can still go to movies; just pick a different one—preferably one without naked people prancing across the screen! You get to do something all on your own, and your mom gets to establish some safe boundaries for your independence.

See, once you understand what your developmental tasks are, it helps you explain to your parents why you want to do things “on your own.” Tell your parents that you want to learn how to do things that will ultimately help you take care of yourself as an adult. We’re betting you’ll get lots of “maturity” points for that!

Where’s the Instruction Manual?

So how do parents handle your changing brain and your new task of becoming independent?

Oh, that’s easy. They’ll just turn to of the How to Raise Teenagers Instruction Manual and refer to the easy-to-follow steps found there in the middle of the page. What?!? You didn’t come with a manual? No instruction booklet? Well, this does complicate things. . . .

Looks like your parents are on their own when it comes to your changing brain and independent streak. Letting go of their little girl, deciding safe boundaries and giving up some control when it comes to safety, friends and your whereabouts isn’t always easy. And it’s different for everyone.

For some parents it’s an easy task. For others it’s torture. Some parents are happy that they don’t have to watch you constantly anymore. Some might even give you more independence than you want. Lots of parents have already gone through this with older siblings and “know the ropes.” Others are anxious first-timers. And some parents may never give up treating you like a six-year-old.

Parents with Style

The way your parents handle these changes will depend a lot on their “parenting style.” “Style?” you say. “My parents have no style.” Ahh . . . you may be right, but we’re not talking high fashion, clever conversation or cool cars. We’re talking about the ways they discipline you, treat your friends and talk to you.

So what is your parents’ parenting style? Take this quiz, and we’ll help you figure it out.

Check your parents’ typical response:

Scene 1: A really cute guy invites you to a party at his house. You don’t know him very well, but he hangs out with a bunch of popular boys who seem pretty nice. You ask your parents if you can go to the party with your best friend. Your parents respond with:

A. Wow, he sounds cute! Go get ’em, girl!

B. You are not going, and that is final!

C. Who’s having it? Where will it be? Will there be alcohol?Will there be chaperones? Who else will be there? What’s his phone number so I can call to make sure his parents will be there?

Scene 2: Your best friend, who is usually very nice and innocent, comes over to go to the movies with you. She brings along some clothes for you to borrow, and you end up wearing her very short, very tight, very low-rise jean skirt and a shirt that is quite sheer. Your parents take one look at you and say:

A. Hot outfit! Girl, you look good!

B. You are not going anywhere dressed like that.

C. I don’t think your outfit is sending the right message to people about the type of girl that you are. If you are trying to look older, your red shirt and your own skirt might do a better job.

Scene 3: You and your boyfriend are going to a school football game. After the game, you want to invite him back to your house to hang out until his curfew. Your parents say . . .

A. Great! We’ll be out, but we’ll leave the door open for you.

B. You spend too much time with that boy. Be home by 10:00, and we expect him to be gone by 10:15.

C. What time should we expect you? We’ll be out, but we’ll make sure to be home before you are.

Scene 4: Your friends are over jumping on your trampoline. You all start jammin’ to some loud music, so loud that the neighbors complain. Your parents say:

A. Kids will be kids. Nothing I can do about it.

B. Everybody inside! No more trampoline. You kids are too wild.

C. You are keeping the neighbor’s kids awake with the loud music. How about turn the volume down to 5, and let’s see if that helps.

The Results

A is for “Always Cool”

If you answered mostly A, your parents may be acting more like a best friend than a parent. We’ll call them Permissive parents. Permissive means that they let you do kind of whatever you want to do.

Woo hoo! Party time! Stay out late! Use Mom’s credit card! Eat whatever I want! Hang wherever I want! Sounds like a blast, huh? Your friends may think it’s cool that your parents let you totally do your own thing, but teens actually do better and learn to have a healthier independence when there are rules. That’s not just what we say. Science proves it!

Permissive parents aren’t necessarily trying to be “bad” parents; they just may be giving you too much freedom as you push for more independence. Kids who have a free-for-all with clothes, curfews and spending money often find themselves wishing for some guidance or someone who takes an interest in keeping them safe and on track.

Another way Permissive parenting happens is when your parents are acting more like a teenager than like a parent. They try to dress like you and talk like you. They might even hang with you and your buds and let you do adult stuff that a lot of parents wouldn’t allow. Some parents think that they can take better care of you if they are your “best friend.” They mean well, but they don’t realize that what you really need is a parent and not another “best friend.” If you have Permissive-type parents, we bet you know what we’re talking about.

If you’re in a family situation where there’s not much supervision or interest in what you are doing or your parents are acting more like a teenager than you are, you can talk with another trusted adult like another relative, a friend’s parent, a teacher, a coach or a counselor. They can help you establish healthy boundaries for yourself.

B is for “Because I Said So”

If you answered mostly B, your parents may want to make all your decisions for you. We’ll call them Authoritarian parents. That means that they know what’s right. Period. No discussion.

They truly may know what’s right, but the problem is that you can’t learn to make good decisions if you don’t know why your parents set certain rules. If you don’t have choices, even options they come up with for you to choose from, you end up with not much chance to prove yourself.

Use it or lose it. For certain parts of our brains, that’s the way it works. Research shows that we have to start using the brain’s decision-making center by adolescence. If you don’t learn to make some decisions for yourself, you will lose the ability to make good decisions later in life. If someone else is always making decisions for you: what to wear, where to go, who to hang with, when to eat and sleep and do all the chores you have to do on a daily basis . . . you’ll never figure out for yourself how to manage your time or your ability to decide things.

Authoritarian parents don’t always mean to prevent you from ever learning to grow up, but they often don’t give you the chance. So are they just control freaks? Maybe so, maybe not. It could be that you’ve messed up a lot and have given them a reason to think you can’t make good decisions. Maybe you’ve broken lots of simple rules, so they think you can’t handle bigger things. The best thing to do is promise them that you can make good decisions, that you want a chance to make good decisions. Then do it! Gain their trust—and trust is something that you have to earn. Prove you deserve independence and then ask for more.

Sometimes Authoritarian parents may take their punishment too far. Sometimes they may be just too harsh and may even be abusive. If your parents leave marks on your body, lock you away or degrade you all the time, you’ve got a bigger problem than just “strict” parents. If any of that happens to you, it is important for you to tell someone you trust who can help you get out of danger. Sometimes your parents may just need some help learning better ways to discipline you, and sometimes they are just plain dangerous for you and your siblings. Kids who are abused by their parents can get help from people like school counselors, youth leaders, doctors, nurses or teachers. If it’s happening to you, please talk to someone about it.

C is for “Cooperators”

If you answered mostly C, your parents are working hard to find a balance between your job of becoming independent and their job of giving you safe space to make your own decisions. We’ll call them Assertive-Democratic parents. Assertive simply means that they state their case; they let you know what they think and why they think it. Democratic means that they often give you choices. It may not always be exactly what you want to do, but they will provide a number of safe options for you to choose from.

These parents know who your friends are, what your interests are, where you are and when you’ll be home. They are involved in your life but also give you room to grow some independence.

Assertive-Democratic parents seem to provide the best opportunities for helping their kids make the transition into young adulthood. These parents don’t just pop into this category, though. They learn by being Permissive sometimes, Authoritarian sometimes and then discovering the balance of Assertive-Democratic. Since you didn’t come with an instruction manual, parenting involves a lot of trial and error!

Being a teen also involves a lot of trial and error. You have to discover which category your parents seem to hang out in. Maybe you have one parent who is Permissive about clothes and Authoritarian about schoolwork. Another is usually Assertive-Democratic about your social life but occasionally swings to Authoritarian when it comes to dating. Confusing? You betcha!

When you look at your parents, you’ll probably see a combination of Permissive, Authoritarian and Assertive-Democratic qualities. That can be good. Even parents who are 100 percent Assertive-Democratic have good reason to be what you may think is Authoritarian or Permissive at times. They may need to tell you what to do absolutely, period, no discussion if it is an issue you have already discussed, involves a choice you have already been allowed to make, and you are making a poor choice for the third time.

They may seem Permissive if you are not taking responsibility for a decision they think you can make on your own. They may push you to decide between going to a friend’s house and getting a jump-start on a huge research project if you have always counted on them to make that decision for you. In this case, their response, “Whatever you think is best,” forces you to use your brain’s decision-making center.

By now, we guess you are figuring out the truth about parents—they don’t come with an instruction manual either!

How to Get Your Way with Your Parents

If you are going hog-wild with the independence thing by talking on the phone all night; eating nothing but pizza, mac ’n’ cheese and soda; and buying a brand-new outfit every weekend . . . Hey, hey, hey! Slow down there!

If getting your way means unlimited phone calls, junk food and trips to the mall, you won’t learn how to make that happen from us! We’ve already said that growing up does not mean that you get to do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it. And getting your way with your parents isn’t the same as having a rules-free home.

But if getting your way means “gaining independence,” we can help you there! The real challenge is figuring out how to deal with these different parenting styles—Authoritarian, Permissive and Assertive-Democratic. You need a plan that allows you to gain independence and figure out who you are, but still lets your parents do their job of protecting you, loving you and raising you to adulthood.

The Drill Sergeant

First, let’s take a look at Authoritarian parents.

Authoritarian parents make clear rules which are unbending. They expect obedience, and breaking a rule is strictly punished. Now we’re not saying that rules, boundaries and consequences are bad. In fact, they are really good for you. It’s just that teens need some room to make decisions for themselves. And that can’t happen if an Authoritarian drill sergeant of a parent directs every detail of your life with no explanation or choices.

For a healthy brain, a totally Authoritarian parenting style is not the best for teens. Remember use it or lose it? That decision-making center has to get some exercise, or you’ll never be able to make decisions as an adult!

Even if your parents are not Authoritarian now, you probably remember a time when they were. Authoritarian rules work best for younger children, children who cannot fully understand the danger of running in the street, playing with fire or eating only chicken nuggets for three months. When you were a little older, your parents still may have had good reason to be Authoritarian. Maybe you wanted to see a movie that had sexual situations . . . but didn’t even know what sex was yet! Your parents may have given you a reason for their rule, but you were too young to understand.

So at certain times in your life, unbending rules did have to be made for you, regardless of whether or not you understood the reasons.

That was then. This is now. You are older and able to understand choices and consequences.

Every time you make a decision, it’s like exercising your brain. The more decisions you make, the more fit your brain’s decision-making center will be. If your parents make all your decisions for you, that brain’s gonna turn into a big tub of goo! Ewww!

So how do you get Authoritarian parents to “let you have your way” and make some decisions?1. Show them that you do understand that choices have consequences. Use “I” statements, such as: “If you’ll let me stay out until 10:00, I promise to be home on time. And if I’m late, I’ll wash your car every Saturday for a month.” And then if you are late, suffer your own consequences cheerfully.2. Do the small things well. Make your bed without being reminded. Remember your lunch money. Finish your model of the solar system on time. Show them that you can do things on your own. Give them a reason to think that you will make good choices, and they may let you try bigger things.3. Tell them that you want to make some decisions. Ask them to find times for you to exercise your brain. Make suggestions like: “Will you let me decide when I’ll rake the lawn if I promise it will be done by Saturday at 6 P.M.?” or “Can I go shopping for that new skirt with my friends if I promise I won’t buy one shorter than three inches above my knee?” or “May Amber and I walk around the neighborhood if we take the cell phone and promise to be back in thirty minutes?”

These things prove to your parents that you can set reasonable limits and accomplish tasks all on your own (home at 10:00, a school project finished on time, hem three inches above the knee). It can make them more confident that you will make good choices. They may even look pensively heavenward, lay a finger aside the cheek and ponder, “Maybe, just maybe, I don’t have to make all my little girl’s decisions. . . .” Your brain will thank them!

The Sky’s the Limit

Now on to Permissive parents.

Permissive parents may be the toughest parents to deal with. We just saw how Authoritarian parents set up unbending rules about all details of life so that teens can’t practice making decisions. Permissive parents are the opposite of that.

Permissive parents encourage kids to think for themselves, do whatever makes them feel good and avoid conformity. Misbehavior is usually ignored, and kids learn from making mistakes. Children of Permissive parents have lots of chances to make decisions—the sky’s the limit!

It’s just that teens need rules, limits and guidance to feel secure and learn to make good decisions. If you don’t have guidance about the pros, cons and consequences of making certain choices, it’s gonna be tough for you to learn. You didn’t drop onto this Earth as a completely developed 30-year-old “Ms. Responsibility.” No! Your brain is still growing into an adult brain; you’re not there yet.

It’s sort of a role reversal to ask parents to give you more rules and limits, but really that’s what’s best for you and your developing brain. So how do you get Permissive parents to “let you have your way” and set some limits that help you gain good independence?1. Ask them for supervision. For example, you could say, “I want to ask Joe over after the game to hang out, but I’m kind of uncomfortable being at home alone with him. Could you be home by 10:00?” Or maybe, “The neighbors just yelled across the fence that we are too loud. What can we do that’s quiet but still fun?”

2. Learn from your parents’ actions. They are making decisions every day, and you can learn from their choices and consequences. Maybe your mom turns down an invitation to go to a movie with a friend because she needs to help your little sister make a Native American Indian costume for school. You see the delight in your sister’s eyes, and you know Mom made a good decision. Maybe your dad promises to be at your volleyball game, but at the last minute he decides to play golf after work with some buddies instead. You are disappointed and probably angry, and you know that was a bad decision.

You can learn from good and bad choices people all around you make. Look to your friends. Read the newspaper. Check out what happens to characters in books, on television and in movies. Take note of consequences of your own actions.

3. Look to other trusted adults for guidance and boundaries. A friend’s mom is a great choice. You’ll know the right one when you meet her. She talks to you a lot, remembers things about you and explains her reason for choosing certain rules and boundaries for her daughter. She’s fun in a “like to be around her” way, not a “party time, no rules” way. If you can’t find a friend’s mom to confide in, other good choices are teachers, coaches, religious leaders, neighbors or other relatives.

You may be thinking, “Sounds like fun! I want Permissive parents! Freedom, freedom, freedom!” Well, we know that giving yourself rules and limits seems totally bizarre. But remember that what you learn now forms the adult you will be. Decision making with guidance will snap that brain of yours into shape pronto—and you’ll have the perfect brain to usher you into adulthood.

A Little Me, a Little You

And now for the crowning glory of teen parenting styles—Assertive-Democratic. Assertive-Democratic parents establish basic guidelines for their children. They give clear reasons for setting limits. They teach their children about the consequences of choices and give them plenty of practice making choices. If this is the type of parents you have, you will be expected to take responsibility for the choices you make.

While no parents are perfect, Assertive-Democratic parents seem to prepare their children best for being adults. Research shows that children raised this way make wiser choices, cope well with change and are better problem-solvers. In other words, they have strong, well-exercised decision-making centers in their brains. No tubs of brain-matter goo here!

Assertive-Democratic parents are already “letting you get your way” by encouraging you toward independence. But there are some things you can do to help out. It’s a case of they give a little, you give a little.1. Learn from your mistakes. Your parents aren’t going to let you go jump off a cliff, but they will let you make relatively safe but poor choices. If you decide to IM your friends all night instead of studying for your geometry exam, you will discover the nasty consequence of failing. Prove to yourself and your parents that your brain gets just as much exercise from making bad decisions as it does from making good decisions—and decide to study next time!

2. Ask their opinions about decisions you need to make. While it’s hard to imagine your mom having her first period, her first kiss and a curfew, we can assure you that she did. Just ask your grandma! Your parents have lived long enough to make many decisions— good and bad—and they can share their real-life experiences with you.

3. Offer reasons of your own for making decisions. This is when your parents will shout for joy, “Well, at least we did something right!” Making well-thought-out decisions is exactly what they have been training you to do. When they see that you have considered the consequences of a choice, they’ll confidently grant you your independence. Yahoo! Mission accomplished!

So What Is Normal?

Let’s review a laundry list of “normal” parent behaviors. They:• Embarrass you • Nose around in your business • Fuss at you about schoolwork, clothes, computer time and your whereabouts • Hate your friends • Love your friends • Establish strict, unbending rules • Establish no rules at all • Give you reasons for the rules • Make decisions for you • Let you choose

Yep, looks like all those abnormal, clueless parents out there are really pretty normal after all. Your normal parents didn’t go anywhere . . . your relationship with them and your perception of them just changed.

Now that we know your parents are possibly and even probably normal, where do you go from here? That’s easy. Keep heading the way your brain and body are leading you—straight toward independence. No matter what your parents’ parenting style is, that brain of yours will get its best exercise by making good decisions. Do whatever it takes to get the best information you can to help you make the best decisions you can . . . and watch your independence grow! Your Girl Power will grow along with it!

PART TWO

Body Talk

4

Not Your Usual Vocabulary List!

Words are powerful. You know because you use them all the time. You use words to get information when you ask your teacher, “Why did Shakespeare make men put on dresses, wigs and high heels to play women’s roles?” You use words to stand up for yourself when you tell a girl in your class, “I’ll help you with the math homework, but I’m not going to let you copy mine.” And you definitely express anger with words when you scream at your sister, “You idiot! I told you not to wash my white sweater with your stupid red sweatshirt!”

When we’re talking about our bodies and sex, using clear, accurate words gives us great power. Sex talk might be a little uncomfortable at first. There are lots of new words, and lots of words you’d only use with girlfriends—lots of words you’d never use with parents or teachers. Don’t worry. In chapters 4 and 5, we’re going to learn clear and accurate words for sex talk. And we’re going to get you some more power!

Pop quiz! Define the following (25 points each): scrotum, clitoris, areola, coitus . . . just kidding. What? Never seen these in your English book? Just as we suspected . . . this will not be your usual vocabulary list!

Awkward Words

It’s no secret that a lot of girls don’t feel comfortable talking about their “private body parts” or things related to sex. It can be embarrassing. It can even be scary. A lot of adults don’t feel comfortable talking about it either. It’s normal to feel uncomfortable and awkward talking about sex and personal subjects. It’s not something we go around talking to everyone about like the weather. But once you do start talking, it gets easier—for teens and for adults.

To help you understand some important things, you will need to know a lot of new terms and words. Some you know; some you don’t know; some you say; some you don’t say. There are also lots of words “out there” that you hear but may not understand. You need to learn about those, too.

Some of the words we think you need to know are listed below. Some words that we think you don’t need to know are also listed below. We put them there because we know you hear them anyway, and you deserve to at least know what they mean, so you can find “better” words to use in their place. By the time you have finished this book, you should know what all of them mean. Beside the words we have listed, you can also add the slang words that mean the same thing (it’s okay, really!). We want you to feel comfortable asking about words you don’t fully understand. We also want you to feel free to add other words to this list. If we don’t cover them here, ask a parent or another trusted adult. When you feel embarrassed, just remember that they probably feel just as awkward answering as you feel asking! Here’s your new vocabulary list:Abortion (termination of pregnancy)—An abortion is a medical or surgical procedure that removes a pregnancy from a woman’s uterus to end the pregnancy.Birth control (the pill, condoms, the patch, the shot) Breasts (boobs, tits, titties, jugs, bosoms, bust) Clitoris (clit)Condom (glove, rubber, prophylactic, Trojan) Douche—We don’t know any slang terms for this one, but a douche is a device that some women use to wash out their vagina. It is not recommended. In fact, it can cause problems with infection.Ejaculation (cum . . . see orgasm) Homosexual (gay, queer, dyke, faggot/fag, lesbian, homo) Horny (blue balls, hot) Kissing (making out, sucking face, slipping the tongue) Lust (crush) Masturbation (jerk off, whack off, playing with yourself ) Menstruation (period, cycle, “aunt flo,” monthly, the curse, my little friend) Oral sex (cunnilingus, fellatio, going down, blow job) Orgasm (cum/come, climax, the Big O) Penis (dick, pecker, weenie, unit . . . and lots more!)Petting (making out, feeling up, second base, third base, hand job) Prostitute (whore, slut, skank)—A prostitute is a person who has sex for money, shelter, drugs or other “things.”Sex (sexual intercourse, coitus, making love, going all the way, doing it, doing the deed, getting laid, scoring, screwing, and yes, the f*** word) Sexual harassment (coming on too strong)Sexually transmitted infection (STD, clap, drip, herpes, crabs) Testicles (balls, nuts, the family jewels, nads) Uterus (womb) Vagina (pussy)

“Bad” Words

Did you read some words that flipped you out or made you laugh? Are you afraid that your mom is going to freak out if she reads this book now?

Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me. We know you’ve heard that old expression. It’s true, kinda. Words won’t really hurt you physically, but they can hurt your feelings and make you feel yucky about yourself.

And people use certain words that can make you, your body, your sexuality and sex seem nasty and cheap. Words themselves (even words about sex and your body) aren’t bad. It’s just that some people use words to put down what is the really beautiful, amazing and normal development of teenage bodies and sexuality.

Most of these “bad” words are about our body parts or things we do with our bodies. Why do people feel like they have to use silly or not-so-nice words to talk about things that are a normal part of life?! Can you think of some reasons people might do that? Maybe:

They don’t feel comfortable with the topic.

They don’t know the real or proper words to use for what they want to say.

They are copying negative attitudes towards sex and bodies they see in movies, magazines, on the Internet and on TV.

They think the words are funny or risqué to say, and they get attention by saying them.

Bet you can think of some of the words that people use when they could be using nicer, more proper words.

There’s Nothing Wrong with a Little Curiosity

Trust us. Curiosity about words people use for sex and body parts will not harm you or get you in trouble. It’s how you use words that can get you in trouble. In this book, there are no words that are “bad.” There are just words you need to understand. Remember, curiosity is normal, knowledge is power and language is powerful! Just because you know what all these words mean doesn’t mean you will start using them in your daily conversations (please!).

Understanding what different words mean helps you gain a little power over the people who use them in “not-so-nice” ways. When you hear people using “bad” words, you will know that they often do that to shock others, to be mean or to show off. Then you can look at them with a look that says:

“I think my body is pretty cool and amazing and beautiful, and I’m not into talking nasty about it.”

or

“Oh, you must be uninformed

since you don’t feel comfortable using correct words”

or

“Oh, you must need extra attention . . .

don’t you know there are better ways to get it?”

or

“Oh, that was mean, and I don’t have time for mean people.”

Get it?

The Look By the way, preteen and teen girls are the best at giving “the look” we’re talking about here. You know the look—rolling eyeballs, raised eyebrow (only one if you’re really good), smug look and a quick, grunty sigh! It’s okay to use it when necessary! It works (we bet you’ve already discovered that by now). Just don’t use it too often because it will lose its effect.

The point is that when others use “bad” language, it doesn’t make them stronger or respected or better than anyone else. It just makes them seem a little immature to those who have Girl Power. You can be bigger than that.

Hurtful Words

Some people will use “bad” language on purpose to make other people feel embarrassed or bad about themselves. That type of language insults others. Just because someone says it about you doesn’t make it true!

Remember the “sticks and stones” thing? If someone uses “bad” language against you, don’t let them feel they have won anything. Ignore them and be strong. Your feelings and your spirit might be hurt, but it’s their character that is damaged. Remember that the people who use hurtful language are wimps, and you might even feel sorry for them (if you weren’t so mad!).

It’s Really Just a Big Cover-Up

Most of the time, people who are mean like that don’t feel very good about who they are, and one way they make themselves feel better is to bring other people down with them. So they say bad things to make others feel as bad as they feel about themselves. It’s kind of sad, because someone who feels good about herself would never need or want to put other people down. A big part of Girl Power is feeling good about yourself, so you never need to act like that.

You also need to know about something called sexual harassment. That’s when someone uses sexual language or talks about sex in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, embarrassed or even threatened. It’s another way that people use words or body language to try to feel powerful. The important thing to know about sexual harassment is that it is ILLEGAL. There are laws that protect people from being sexually harassed, especially in schools and in jobs. So if sexual words or actions are being used in this type of way, especially if it is happening over and over, it is very important to let a trusted adult know about it. Sexual harassment can be stopped!

What Does That Mean?

Another problem comes up when you don’t know a word that you hear and you suspect it’s one of those not-so-nice words. You get confused! It’s hard to know whether someone just dissed you, insulted you or even sexually harassed you. If you come across a word like that, don’t be afraid to ask what it means. If it isn’t cool to ask the person who said it (because they might try to embarrass you), ask a parent or other trusted adult.

If you ask a parent, you should get an honest answer and some advice on how proper or improper the word is. Don’t try to use the new word in a sentence to your parents to see how they react! Just tell your mom or dad that it came up in the locker room or hallway, and you were wondering what it means. Your parents shouldn’t get mad at you for an innocent question like that. Besides, they should be happy that you are bringing your questions to them. If they freak out, give them a little time to cool down. Parents get all flustered sometimes when they find out that you know stuff that they don’t think you need to know. Again, explain that you are just curious and didn’t want to take your question to anyone else.

Almost all parents really want to talk to their kids about this kind of stuff, but most of them don’t know how to start the conversations. This way, you’ve started it a little and opened the door for more talks in the future. Sometimes, the kids have to lead the way!Words I might ask someone about if I get really brave:

Body Talk

What’s with all the “cutesy” or slang words we use for body parts? You know them: my pee pee, my boobies, my titties, my coochie, my poopie, my butthole, my ass or “down there.” There are a gazillion silly sex-related words, but why do we feel like we need to use them?

Comfort. ’Cause it can be downright awkward using the proper words, right? Can you say vagina without giggling? How about penis? Have you ever heard of a urethra? But we don’t get all giggly when we say head, shoulders, knees and toes, so why do we get tickled when we talk about the parts “down there”? All those “parts” are just more parts of our body.

Let’s say you get hit in the face with a softball and cut your upper lip on the inside of your mouth. Are you embarrassed to tell your doctor where you are hurt? What about if you slip while walking on a narrow brick wall, straddle the wall and cut yourself near the opening of your vagina? How are you going to explain where you are hurt?

There are lots of reasons why it’s important to understand the proper terms for your anatomy. It’s your body. Get to know it! The next chapter will take you on a trip “down there” to learn the words you need to know and to tell you what all those amazing parts can do!

5

Everybody’s Got a Body

Tall, short, skinny, fat, muscular, sinewy, chubby, beanpole. There are a million and one names that people use to describe bodies. Even though our bodies look different, they all have the same parts. Remember that what your body can do is more important than what it looks like. All these amazing parts work together to let us do lots of awesome stuff.

When you were about two, you started learning the names for parts of your body. Your parents were so proud when you pointed your chubby little finger to your face and said “nose” and “eyes.” They would brag to all their friends about how smart you were. Now, why on earth would they forget to tell you the names of your “private parts”? After all, when you were born, you can bet it was one of the first parts of you they wanted to see. Boy or girl? Girl! Well yay, you are a girl. So why not know the names for those girl parts? Even better, why not know what all those parts are for?!

When it comes to seeing what your private parts look like, we think boys have a major advantage. If you have ever seen a naked boy or man (we’re thinking brothers, dads, little boys you baby-sit, but hopefully not someone running naked around your neighborhood), you probably noticed that their “private parts” aren’t as private as girls’ parts are. In fact, they are hanging and wiggling right there on the outside. When a little boy starts to potty train, he learns to hold his penis to aim it in the toilet . . . hopefully. So boys have been looking at and holding their private parts all of their lives.

For girls, on the other hand, we don’t need to hold any of our parts to go to the bathroom (Look Ma! No hands!). And in case you’ve ever tried to look, you know we can’t see much from above except some skin folds. Our private parts are a little more private, and they are pretty hard to see unless you use a mirror. You are probably crinkling up your nose and saying, “Ewwww, gross,” right now. But there’s nothing gross about your body parts. Without them, you’d have some major problems!

We encourage you to use a mirror to have a look. You might want to use a flashlight, too. Sometimes it helps to put one foot up on a chair or the toilet. Better yet, put your mirror on the floor and squat down over it. Have you ever tried it? Are you grossed out? Don’t be. Go ahead! It’ll probably feel a little awkward at first, but it’s painless, and actually pretty interesting. You look at your face every day, right? You should definitely look at your girl parts every once in a while, too.

For now, the main reason to look at yourself is to satisfy your curiosity and to get smarter about your body. Once you learn all the parts that girls have, you’ll want to see for yourself that all your parts are present and accounted for! At other times, like when you use a tampon and later in life when you are involved in sexual activity, there will be other good reasons to understand your anatomy and how things work.

The easiest way to learn all the parts is to start with the “outside” parts and then learn about the “inside” parts. The outside parts are what most girls mean when they are talking about “down there.” So let’s go over some of them.

The Outside Parts

In general, the outside girl parts are called the vulva (not Volvo—that’s a car). It’s a name that includes a lot of other parts, kind of like how your face includes your cheeks, eyes, nose, mouth and so on. Your vulva includes two holes, a lot of skin folds and some “padding.” The definitions are listed below. You’ll be expected to spell and use each word correctly in a sentence at the end of this chapter . . . just kidding!

Vulva—the name for most of the outside “female parts,” including the labia majora and minora, urethra, vaginal opening and the surrounding skin. It is also called “external genitalia.” The word genitals refers to the body parts on boys and girls that are involved in making a baby (we’ll get to that later). The parts of the vulva are listed next.Labia majora—the outer lips that will become covered with hair as your body grows and develops. They provide a fatty layer of protection for the other sensitive parts of the vulva.Labia minora—the inner lips. They come in lots of different sizes, shapes and colors, but for you, they should be about the same size on each side. They may be bigger than the outer lips. They may also look darker and wrinkled or they may be pink and smooth. Yours may not look exactly like the drawing, and that’s okay.Clitoris—the bump just inside the top of the labia. It contains tons of nerve fibers and is very sensitive to touch. Rubbing it or stroking it feels good and usually creates sexual pleasure for females. During sexual excitement, it may become a little bit bigger and stiffer. It is protected by a flap of skin called the clitoral hood. If you pull back on that skin, you can see the clitoris better (it won’t hurt, go ahead and try it!).Urethra—the “pee” hole or opening where urine comes out. It’s the first opening below the clitoris. It is also pretty sensitive when touched or rubbed, but it’s not a “feels good” kind of sensitivity. If the urethra is rubbed too much, it can actually become irritated and cause mild burning when you urinate.Vaginal opening—the opening of the vagina (duh). It’s not always “open,” but it will open if you put something in it, like your finger or a tampon. More about the vagina when we get to the “inside” parts, too . . . bet you just can’t wait!Hymen—a small rim of tissue that is at the rim of the vaginal opening. It can be tender if you try to stretch it or push hard on it. Hymens come in a lot of different shapes and sizes, too. Once you reach puberty, the hymen becomes thicker and more elastic with a “ruffled” edge. That makes it kind of hard to see among all the folds and flaps “down there.” Using a tampon will not necessarily tear your hymen because it can usually stretch to allow something that size through it. All girls are born with a hymen, but once you are a teenager, the way the hymen looks does not necessarily show whether or not you have had sex. A lot of people put a big emphasis on the hymen because it supposedly “tears” and bleeds the first time you have sex. The reality is that some women or girls will have a small amount of bleeding when they first have intercourse, and some don’t have any. It may just depend on how relaxed and ready for sex she is.Perineum (pear uh NEE um)—the thicker tissue that is between the bottom of the vaginal opening and the anus.Mons—the fatty mound where pubic hair grows in a shape like an upside-down triangle. The mons also provides a fatty padding to cover your pubic bone, which can hurt if it is bumped too hard.Groin—the area on your front side where your legs are connected to your trunk. Pubic hair usually grows to this point or may grow past it onto your upper thighs. If you shave your pubic hair for your bathing suit line, you may notice some small “knots” in this area. Those knots are lymph nodes or glands that get bigger when there is irritation or infection on the skin (like razor rash or ingrown hairs). The knots should go away in time. If they become larger, tender or won’t go away, see your doctor. You can help prevent razor rash and ingrown hairs by using soap or shaving cream and a new, clean razor every time you need to shave. Shave the hair in the same direction that it grows out of the skin.

Hair, Where?!

While we’re on the subject of pubic hair . . . let’s talk about whether to groom it or not. First of all, shaving or “de-hairing” legs and armpits is fine if you want to. Some girls don’t. Some girls want to shave off all of their hair “down there.” Is it a good idea? It’s definitely okay to get rid of unwanted hair that might poke out of your bathing suit, but do you need to remove all of it? We think not. In fact, girls who remove all of their mons hair can develop skin infections that become big abscesses full of pus. Ewwww and ouch!

Girls who shave or remove all of the hair around their vaginal opening can also get skin infections, but more often, they develop skin irritation from vaginal discharge. See, when you have hair around the vaginal opening, it helps absorb and remove the discharge to keep it from sticking to your skin. Vaginal discharge has a pH (a chemistry thing) that can be irritating to the skin—more about that when we talk about the inside parts.

So the lesson here is that it’s fine to trim any hair, anywhere. Trim means cut or shorten, not shave or remove completely.

Fuzzy?

What do you do with all that extra hair you get after puberty? The amount of hair you get will depend on your genetics. For instance, girls with Italian heritage will usually have more body hair, and girls from Asian descent may have very little body hair. Whatever your background, most girls have hair somewhere that they want to get rid of. What’s safest? There are lots of hair removal products and procedures out there. Some are cheap, some are expensive, some work temporarily, some are permanent, some hurt and some don’t. If you want to get rid of it, it’s up to you to find the way that works best for you. Here is a table of the various ways to remove unwanted hair and some comments about each method. It may not include every method out there, but it will give you some information on the most common ones.

MethodHow It WorksThings You Should KnowTweezing or pluckingUse tweezers to pull individual hairs out by the rootVery inexpensive and easy

Lasts longer than shaving

Hurts a little depending on the area you are pluckingShavingUse a razor to remove hairInexpensive

Easy and most common method of hair removal in the U.S.

Works best if you shave skin that has been lubricated with soap or shaving cream/gel

Temporary, sometimes requiring daily or twice daily use

Hair that grows back is coarse

Can cause skin irritation ("razor rash") or cuts; avoid this by using a clean, fresh razor and shaving hair in the same direction that it grows

Can transmit diseases through sharing razor with someone elseDepilatoriesCreams that are applied to the skin and unwanted hair; this dissolves the hair to the level of the skinEasy and inexpensive

May cause skin irritation

Should not use around the vagina or on sensitive areas

Some have an unpleasant odor TemporaryWaxing and other sticky gels or products that work by pulling hair out from the rootWarm or hot wax is applied over the unwanted hair and covered with a strip of cloth or paper; once the wax cools, the paper/cloth is quickly pulled off and pulls out all the hairs with itCan do yourself (buy a "kit") or have it done at a spa or salon by a professional (more expensive)

May cause minor skin burns, irritation or ingrown hairs

Hurts as the hair is ripped off, but the pain is over with quickly

Temporary, but lasts longer than shaving or depilatoriesPrescription creamCream is applied to areas of unwanted hair twice a day every dayRequires a prescription from a medical professional and is only approved for use on the face

Takes about 6 weeks to notice results

Stops hair growth at the root as long as you use it every day; doesn't work unless you use it every day

Expensive to use all the timeElectrolysisA very small needle is inserted into each hair follicle, sending a mild electrical current that destroys the follicle; the hair is then pulled out with tweezers and hopefully won't grow backRequires multiple treatments to remove all unwanted hair in an area

Can be painful, but prescription numbing creams can help

ExpensiveLaser hair removalA special type of laser or light is flashed from a device that is held over the area of unwanted hair, causing damage to the hair follicle so hair won't grow back out of itRequires multiple treatments depending on the amount and location of hair

Uncomfortable, but numbing creams can help

Works best on darker hair

Having a tan or sun exposure in the area will make it less effective and more difficult to get good results

Can cause skin burns and scarring

Safest and most effective when done by an experienced professional

Can be very expensiveBleachingBleaches dark hair blonde but doesn't remove hairWorks well for fine hair

Is not a hair removal method, but just "camouflages" the hair that is bothersome

Inexpensive and easy

The Inside Parts

Your inside parts are obviously hard to see. Kind of like seeing your heart or lungs. We know they are in there, but don’t expect to see them except in books or pictures. You’ll just have to trust us on this one. Let’s start on the outside and work our way to the innermost parts.

Vagina—the connection between your outside and inside parts. It is the passageway for menstrual blood, for sperm and for a baby at birth. It is a really cool body part for a couple of reasons (you think we’re weird, don’t you?). One, the vagina is very stretchy. If you put your finger in your vagina, you will notice that it is moist and wrinkly. It obviously needs to be stretchy for a baby to pass through it. The wrinkles or folds allow it to stretch more.It’s also really cool because it cleans itself (don’t you wish your room could do that?). Clean may not be the first word that comes to mind about your vagina, but this is no joke. The vagina is cleansed constantly, and vaginal discharge is created as it cleans. This discharge will start to leak from the vagina around puberty. It is usually a white to yellowish liquid that will feel moist, sometimes wet. When it dries in your underwear, it will look more yellow and may feel kind of stiff or sticky. Don’t panic—it’s normal. As long as it doesn’t stink, itch or change colors, it is normal.

Sometimes even normal discharge will make you feel itchy, especially if you don’t have much pubic hair (whether it hasn’t grown in yet or you’ve shaved it off ). The pubic hair helps pull the discharge away from the skin, but if the discharge can’t be pulled away from the skin, the moisture and pH (that chemistry thing) will cause the vulvar skin to get irritated and itchy. You can prevent this by using panty liners to help absorb the discharge or by using an ointment that contains zinc oxide (like a diaper rash cream—good for girls out of diapers, too!) around the vaginal opening. Okay. Enough vagina chat.

Cervix—at the inner end of the vagina is the cervix. It’s like a very narrow two-way street, meaning it allows stuff to go in (sperm and some bacteria) or out (menstrual blood or baby). The opening is usually so small it can be considered “closed.” That’s why a tampon can’t get lost in your body—the cervix acts as a dead end for the vagina. The cervix is also an amazing part of your body because it keeps a baby inside but then opens wide enough to let the baby pass through during birth. Wow.Uterus—the womb or where a baby grows. It’s a strong hollow muscle with a thick and lush lining that will allow a baby to grow! It is usually about the size of your fist, but can stretch and grow to hold a baby . . . some babies weigh up to 10 pounds or more (talk about Girl Power!). The uterus has three openings: the cervix that heads into the vagina (you already know about that one) and the other two, the right and left fallopian tubes that connect the uterus to the ovaries. These serve as the passageway for the egg (coming toward the uterus) and sperm (going into the fallopian tube to find the egg!). The fallopian tube openings are about the diameter of a hair, very tiny.Endometrium—the lining of the uterus that is shed each month—as a period—if pregnancy does not occur. If pregnancy occurs, it’s where the embryo (a fertilized egg) implants and starts to grow into a baby. It is a thick, lush lining that has a lot of nutrients, fluids and blood that are necessary to grow a baby.Fallopian tubes—the tubes from the ovaries to the uterus that carry the egg once it is released (that’s called ovulation). They are about three to four inches long on each side, and they are soft like a ribbon, not like a pipe. This is the place where the sperm and egg come together if fertilization occurs. Remember, the fallopian tubes are only as wide as a hair, so you can imagine how tiny the egg and sperm actually are! At the end of each fallopian tube is a fluffy opening called the fimbria, which are constantly but gently swishing over the ovaries to sweep the eggs into the tube. Visualize the gentle movement of a sea anemone. Can you feel your fimbriae swishing now? They are. Anyway, the inside of the tubes are made of special cells that continue the swishing to keep that egg moving in the right direction.Ovaries—two oval things in the pelvis that are small, about the size of a medium strawberry. Each one is next to the fimbria of the fallopian tube. Girls are born with all the eggs they will ever have, which is way more than you could ever need! Can you believe we start off with millions? We save them up until puberty, then we only use one, maybe two, per month. Each egg is held in a small, fluid-filled sac called a follicle.

The Journey of the Egg

Now we’ve just listed everything in order from outside to inside, but if you think about how a pregnancy or periods happen, you have to think from inside to out.

Okay, shift to reverse gear. The pathway that an egg follows to find its way out begins at the ovaries; then once ovulation occurs (when the egg is released), it cruises and shimmies down a fallopian tube and lands nice and easy (plunk!) in the endometrium of the uterus. If it is not fertilized by a sperm, it will come out as a period (don’t look for the actual egg, you’ll never see it). If it is fertilized, a baby develops and is born about nine months later. Can you trace the path and name the parts as you go?

What about Breasts?!

We can’t forget our breasts! They deserve at least a little attention here. (Boys and the media certainly give them attention, so we will, too!)

You should know by now that they come in all shapes and sizes, and no two are exactly alike, including your two. Lopsided? Join the club. Most girls and women are, but it’s not really that noticeable unless you are looking closely. If yours are more lopsided than you think they should be, check with your doctor.

Breasts have parts, too. The breast mound is the main part of your breast and is full of fatty tissue and glands that will produce milk. The nipple is the little bump in the center that can be indented, flat or poking out. Around the nipple is a circle of darker skin called the areola (uh REE oh luh). The areola or skin around it can be hairy, and the areola itself may have small white or light-colored bumps on it that are smaller than your nipple. Those extra bumps are gland openings—normal and nothing to worry about.

Nipples can have a mind of their own and suddenly become hard and even more obvious when you are cold, excited or anxious. It can be kind of embarrassing to some girls, but try not to worry too much about it. Just like everyone gets goose bumps when they are cold or nervous, your nipples can act like those goose bumps, too. Have you ever heard them called headlights? Party hats? It happens to all girls! Some girls like to wear bras to help with this occasional pop-up. Other reasons to wear a bra include comfort and general breast health. Bras may decrease the color and size of stretch marks and may help prevent back pains.

When should you start wearing a bra? Well, if you aren’t already, it’s up to you! Some women never wear a bra, and some don’t go anywhere without one. Lots of girls start wearing a bra when their breasts show through their clothes or start to jiggle a little. When your breasts are growing, it’s normal for them to be a little sore or sensitive. Sometimes wearing a bra can be more comfortable.

Your breasts will grow quickly before you start your period and then a little more after you start. During this growth phase, they may take on a shape that you don’t like. Be patient, your breasts may continue to change shape and size up to about age 18. Because of this rapid growth, you may need to buy bras more often, because a properly fitted bra is important, especially when your breasts are growing. Bras can help prevent some stretch marks, but sometimes, no matter how much support you have for your breasts, those stretch marks happen anyway. It’s genetic. You can thank your ancestors! Don’t forget to buy a special sports bra for more physical activity. Finally, a bra will not prevent your breasts from becoming saggy later in life. That usually happens to some extent as we get older and is most noticeable after we have babies.

Breasts are another important part of your girlness for several reasons. They are sensitive when touched and can give us sexual pleasure (we’ll talk about that more in chapter 8), but most importantly, breasts are for feeding babies. There is no food or formula that anyone can buy that is better for a baby than breast milk. And you know what? Your breast size has nothing to do with how much milk you can make. Even the smallest, pea-sized breasts can make enough milk to feed a big, hungry, chubby baby! Although most women can breast-feed, some decide not to for various personal or health reasons.

The Rest of Your Body

In case you haven’t noticed, your body will grow a lot in middle school. It grows up some and out some, up some more, out some more. In the year before you start your period, you may grow three to four inches taller or more! After your period starts, you can still grow a little, but it is mostly in your trunk. Your legs, arms, feet, hands and head are all done by then!

Now what about that growing “out” part? Most girls complain about that part, but it is a part of getting that womanlike body. Your whole shape will change, and it’s for a good reason. Your waist will be more obvious; your hips and thighs will grow larger. Sometimes your butt and hips will get bigger—and your breasts? Well, we’ve talked about them already. You are starting to look more like a teen or young woman—but remember, you’re still a girl.

Take care of this new body you are growing. It has to serve you for a long, long, long, long time. Some of these changes are hard to accept, but remember that being a girl is a gift, and this new body is part of it!!!!!

Since We’re Talking about Girls,

We Gotta Talk about BRAINS!!

Finally, we can’t leave out the most important part of your entire body . . . your brain! Your body’s girl parts are not the only part of you getting a makeover once you start puberty. Inside that head of yours, there’s a major construction zone! Your brain hasn’t been this busy growing since you were a toddler! Can you feel all the electricity, the power, the buzzing and whirling that’s happening in there? Thoughts, emotions, feelings, knowledge are all inside that head of yours. It is a busy place!

Believe it or not, your brain is largest around age eleven or twelve (and if you have a 12-year-old brother or sister, we’re sure you’ll have a hard time believing us!). But for brains, size doesn’t matter much—it’s the wiring that matters the most!

After age eleven or twelve, your brain starts to “delete” some of its unused parts and begin construction on some of the more grownup parts. It takes a lot of time, and what you do, think and feel helps decide what parts to delete. It’s kind of like deleting old files on your computer. Your brain is your computer, and if you leave some “files” unused for a long time, it starts to clean up and put away that old and outdated stuff.

At the same time it’s cleaning out old files, your brain is also figuring out how to do more complicated jobs. Scientists have given these jobs big words like “advanced reasoning,” “abstract thinking” and “meta-cognition.” (You can impress any adult with those words!) What that means is that your brain is becoming more and more able to think about things that you can’t really see, like beliefs, trust and love. You become able to understand what it means to have choices and consequences. And your brain gets smarter every day!

You can also think about “thinking.” That sounds weird, but when you were a little kid, you couldn’t sit down and think about your own thoughts, analyze your feelings or think about how things affected you. Now you are beginning to do just that.

That’s why friendships are meaning more to you—you understand the feelings and emotional part of friends. Friends are not just someone to “play” with anymore. They are people who matter to you because they make you feel good about who you are. Try explaining that to a seven-year-old, and you’ll get a look or a grunt that says, “Huh?” instead of, “Oh yeah, I totally get it.” But young teens do totally get it because their brains are growing just like they’re supposed to. Get it?

These changes in your brain are also giving you some thoughts, ideas and emotions that are very common among teenagers. You may feel like you have people watching you sometimes, even though you know you really don’t, like an imaginary audience. We don’t mean you are crazy, hearing voices or feeling paranoid; you just feel like you are performing for others sometimes. It’s okay. That’s helping you monitor your behaviors and think about how you act or want to act. Sometimes it’s good to “pretend” your parent or best friend is watching. It might keep you from doing something you really don’t mean to do or shouldn’t do.

You may also have the [wrong] idea that bad things only happen to other people and that you are invincible (that’s a good vocabulary word—it means “it won’t happen to me,” “I can’t be beat or hurt”). Think about, for example, getting seriously hurt on your bike. Most adolescents think, “I don’t need to wear a goofy helmet because I’ll never fall and hurt my head.” But every year, hundreds of adolescents are killed or suffer permanent brain damage from falling off their bikes and hitting their heads. And what about pregnancy? Many teens have the idea that “it won’t happen to me,” so having sex without birth control is no big deal. That kind of thinking is why almost a MILLION teenage girls get pregnant every year in the United States, and one in four teen girls who has sex will get a sexually transmitted infection. That’s right, one out of every four every year. Even though you may have feelings of being invincible—remember that bad things can happen, especially if you aren’t being safe!

On a happier note, you also start understanding justice and fairness better. You start to understand why rules you may not like can still be important. You also begin to realize that the world is a big place, and you are a small part of it, but an important part that can help make it a better place.

Another area of your brain that is growing the fastest in adolescence has to do with emotions. That part also reacts to most of the hormones that are surging through your body. It’s what makes you have lightning-fast emotions like we talked about in chapter 2, but it also makes you look for activities and experiences that give you an emotional “high.”

What do we mean by “high”? Most people are talking about drugs when they use that word, but here it means when you get an amazingly awesome feeling from something.

Emotional highs come from all kinds of things, like singing, playing or listening to your favorite music, riding a dirt bike over a big ramp and catching a ton of air, rock climbing to a major height, galloping on a horse, Rollerblading as fast as you can go, riding a roller coaster, drawing a picture you love, laughing as loud as you can with friends who “get it” or writing a poem that other people appreciate.

Having an experience that gives you that awesome feeling doesn’t have to be dangerous, but it usually does involve some risk . . . taking a chance either emotionally or physically. When you do that and succeed, you feel great. When you do that and don’t succeed, it can hurt—either physically or emotionally.

Once you find something that gives you that great, awesome feeling, practicing or spending time with that activity becomes important, especially in adolescence. You become more skilled and familiar with the things that give you those awesome feelings. It’s an important thing to experience in adolescence, and it’s good for your brain development. Find something that makes you feel that way—a passion, a hobby, a challenge—and have fun!

Think of the things that give you that “emotional high” or make you feel good about yourself. Answer the questions below to help you figure out what these things are.

Things I love to do:Things I do well:Things I want to try or do more often:Challenges I enjoy:

That’s a Wrap

So can we quit with all this body talk? It’s a ton of information. Promise—no quiz, but do you get it? This is a tough chapter, full of facts and new words. Feel free to move on. Come back to this chapter when and if you need to or if you ever just want to. It’s here to help remind you about all the amazing stuff that is changing in you right now. It’s also here to reassure you that a lot of the “weird” stuff going on with your body is common to all preteen and teen girls.

Just remember, all these changes in your body and brain take years to unfold and take hold. It’s normal to feel totally freaked out, amazed, grossed out or excited by your body changes. Some changes you will like; some you won’t. Over the years, your body will become comfortable again for you—like a pair of comfy, worn-in jeans. Appreciate it for what it can do and what it will be able to do in the future. It’s an amazing, miraculous, awesome thing—you are wonderfully made, whether you think so right now or not!

6

Periods, Period

It’s no secret that the whole reason we have periods is so that one day we can have babies. And having babies happens because of sex. So if we are going to talk about sex (which we are a lot), we have to talk about periods, first.

Having periods doesn’t have much to do with sex, but if you decide to have sex, and most people do eventually, you better understand your periods very well! Even if you are not having sex for a long, long time, it’s still important to understand the amazing events going on in your body that give you your little monthly “friend.”

Blame It on Your Hormones

We bet you’ve heard women or girls complain about being “hormonal” or turning “emo” (emotional), or maybe you’ve heard your mom blame your moods on “raging hormones.” Guess what? Hormones are good things, not bad things. They are chemicals made in our bodies that send messages or signals from one part to another. There are many, many different hormones circulating in each person’s body. Two in particular are very involved in your menstrual cycle: estrogen and progesterone. Heard of them?

Like to Cycle?

Your monthly cycle begins on the day you start your period. Hormones from the brain tell the ovary to start getting an egg ready. In the ovary, the egg grows in a little sac of fluid called a follicle. The follicle makes estrogen that causes the endometrium to grow a thick and lush lining. When the egg ovulates (which means it pops out of the ovary), the follicle then makes progesterone that prepares the endometrium for a pregnancy. If the egg is not fertilized by a sperm from a male, a pregnancy does not occur. With no pregnancy, the ovary stops making the progesterone, and that signals the endometrium to shed the lining (and that’s a period). As the period begins, the brain signals the ovary to start over with a new follicle and a new lining in the endometrium. This amazing cycle then starts all over again!

Want the short report? Egg matures > egg ovulates > egg travels down fallopian tube and into the uterus. No pregnancy? Then the uterus recognizes that and sheds the old lining, which starts a period. Now that’s an easier story to follow!

Another way to say it: It’s kind of like a bed is made in the uterus for a baby to grow in. If there’s no baby there, the uterus decides it’s time to change the “bed,” sort of like changing the sheets. How often do you change your sheets? In your uterus, it’s once a month!

And even if you don’t want it, here’s the long report.

Cycle day 1. The first day you have menstrual bleeding is always considered day 1. It’s usually anywhere from 25 to 35 days after your last period. Everyone always seems to think that period cycles are always 28 days or one month . . . but everyone is a little different, and cycles can be longer or shorter (anywhere from 21 to 45 days) and still be normal.

Cycle days 1–7. Periods usually last anywhere from three to seven days, but you only lose about two tablespoons of actual blood in all that time. It seems like more doesn’t it? That’s because of the other fluids and tissue that are released (think of them as the pillow cases and bedspread that need to be cleaned, too). Your bleeding is happening because there is no pregnancy, and the uterus has decided to release the old lining and begin a new lining (change the sheets!).

Your uterus pushes out the period (old sheets) by contracting its muscular walls. Some girls will feel these contractions as cramps.

Cycle days 7–12. At the same time that you are having your period, your brain and ovaries are already talking. Your brain is recruiting another egg for the next cycle, and your uterus is getting orders to prepare a fresh lining. Your hormones are helping with all this communication. The follicle (which holds the recruited egg) in your ovary is making that hormone called estrogen that helps thicken the lining of the uterus. So as soon as your bleeding is done, your uterus is already “fluffing up the sheets,” or getting a new lining ready for the next cycle in case an embryo is on the way. Now for this whole thing about babies. Your body needs a lot of practice with its cycles before it’s really ready for a baby. That’s why you start your periods way before you are ready to actually have sex and get pregnant.

Cycle days 12–14. Ovulation time. Now that the next egg has been recruited, it is ready for take off. The follicle that it has been growing in will open up and let it go! This is called ovulation. Some girls actually feel a slight twinge or cramp when this happens. If there is discomfort, it’s called mittelschmerz (dare you to use that in your next English paper!!). That’s a German word that means “middle pain.” Most girls are clueless that such an amazing thing is happening in there.This is the time when you may also notice that your vaginal discharge seems a little more watery or slimey. This happens because your hormones tell your cervix to change the discharge to make it easier for sperm to pass through. The cervix says okay, and makes the discharge extra slippery. Pregnancy can happen during about eight days every cycle. The six or seven days before and two or three days after ovulation are the days that pregnancy is most likely to happen if you are having sex. Because ovulation is unpredictable and young girls’ cycles are not always the same every month, it is really hard to figure out exactly when pregnancy can or can’t happen.

Cycle days 15–18. Ovulation has usually happened by now, and the egg is still traveling down the tube. If it has already hooked up with a sperm, an embryo is forming (we’ll talk about that more in chapters 6 and 7). Most likely, it’s alone and enjoying the massage as it is swished down the fallopian tube into the uterus. Once the egg arrives in the uterus, it hangs out for a couple days before it’s time to go.

Cycle days 18–28 or so. This is a time for rest in the endometrium. The follicle that had released the egg is now making a new hormone called progesterone. Progesterone will make the fluid in the cervix thicken and will get the lining in tip-top shape in case an embryo arrives. If there is no pregnancy in the uterus, the amount of progesterone falls and the endometrium can’t live without it, so it leaves the uterus as a period, which brings you back to day 1. As the progesterone levels are changing, some girls get moody or might feel more hungry than usual. Acne can worsen during this time. Some girls even feel a little puffy or bloated. That’s why you might hear girls complaining when they’re about to get their periods. All these symptoms are common and go away as soon as a period starts. Rarely, these symptoms are so bad that they affect your friendships and relationships at home. If that happens with you, please talk with your doctor because there are things that can help.

What if My Periods Are Not Regular?

Let’s back up a little. After your very first period (it’s called menarche, which sounds like anarchy and is pronounced MEN ar kee), you might have another period a month later, or it might not come again for several months.

After your first few periods, you should expect your periods to occur anywhere from 21 to 45 days apart. It might be 28 days one month, 40 days the next, 32 days the next. That’s all normal at first. A period doesn’t always come at the same exact time every month (remember months aren’t all the same length, either), but it should start to show a predictable pattern within a few years after you start.

If fact, the age you are at menarche can predict how soon your periods will start happening in a regular pattern.

Age at MenarcheYears until Very Predictable PeriodsUnder 111 to 2 years11 to 12Up to 2 or 3 yearsOver 12Up to 4 or 5 years

Periods will become “very” predictable once you start ovulating regularly. It’s not as reliable as the TV schedule or even as the trash pickup days, but it’s as reliable as they can get—that means within two to three days of the predicted time. Remember, to ovulate means to release an egg from your ovary. Once you start to ovulate with every cycle, then your periods become predictable. Your period will always start about 14 to 16 days after you ovulate. Problem is, you don’t always know when to expect ovulation. Like we said before, most girls have no clue when they ovulate because they usually don’t feel it. But if your periods are happening about the same number of days apart every time, you can know that you are probably ovulating. Miraculous!

So far we’ve been talking about regular ovulation, which means you are ovulating pretty much every month. But did you know you can ovulate before you even get your first period? After that, some of your cycles will include ovulation and some won’t. That means pregnancy can happen before a girl even has her first period if she is having sex.

Menstrual Calendar

Keep up with your periods by using the boxes below whenever you have bleeding. Copy it or make a chart like it to keep track of your bleeding—the heavier your bleeding is, the darker you fill in the box. Very light days (some people call this “spotting”) can be shown with just a dot in the box for that date. If you develop any irregular bleeding, this chart or one like it will be very helpful to your doctor. Besides, it will also help you recognize the pattern of your periods and help you predict when you will have your next one.

Predicting Your Periods

By keeping track of your periods on a calendar, you can usually tell when you should expect your next period. To calculate your cycle length, look at the past few periods on your calendar. Starting with the first day of a period, count the number of days until the first day of the next period. Do this for two or three cycles.

Most cycles will be between 21 and 45 days long. If your cycle length is about the same (within three to five days of each other) for several cycles, you can then start predicting your next periods pretty accurately.

If your periods are completely irregular, check the table on to see if it is time for you to be ovulating regularly yet. If it is, and you are still having unpredictable periods, talk with your doctor. Also, if your periods are skipping more than two months at a time, you should talk with your doctor. Some girls and women never ovulate regularly and may need medication to make their periods predictable.

How Much Bleeding Is Normal?

Most periods have only a couple tablespoons to about one-half cup of blood and fluid . . . and it’s mostly fluid and tissue, not blood. That’s why it doesn’t always look like real blood, but instead looks kind of brown or dark maroon, even blackish. Our bodies can make up for that amount of blood loss in no time, so we do not become anemic (have a low blood count).

As we’ve mentioned, most periods last anywhere from three to seven days. It is normal to have heavier blood flow in the first one or two days, then it gets lighter toward the end. The number of pads or tampons that are normal to use will depend on how soaked you let them become and what types you are using.

Clots are dark clumps of blood that are the consistency of liver or old Jello-O. Clots happen when blood stays in one place for a while, like in your vagina. You are most likely to see clots in the morning from the menstrual blood that has been in your vagina while you were lying down. When you get up, you might pass small clots. If you use a tampon, you might also see clots hanging on to the end of it when you take it out. These are normal, but if you have a lot of larger clots, that could signal heavier-than-normal bleeding.

Cramps!

Some girls will have cramping in their lower abdomen or pelvis before or during their periods. Sometimes the pain is even in the vulva, upper thighs or lower back. Most older teens and women will have at least some mild discomfort with their periods. About 10 percent (one in ten, right?) will have severe cramps that make them stop doing activities they would normally do.

Menstrual cramping happens because the uterus (made of muscle tissue) squeezes to release the tissue and blood that make up your period. The squeezing is caused by that hormone (progesterone) and some other chemicals (called prostaglandins) that are released after ovulation.

If you feel bloated (full or puffy in your lower belly) or crampy with your periods, there are some things you can do to feel better:• Exercise, such as walking, jogging, swimming, bicycling, stretching or yoga. These things really do help cramps . . . we’re not kidding!• Take essential fatty acids (especially omega-3) supplements like flaxseed oil, evening primrose oil or fish oil tablets.• Avoid red meat and fried, fatty or greasy food (they have saturated fats, which can actually increase cramping).• Try medications, such as ibuprofen 400 to 600 milligrams every six to eight hours or naproxen 440 milligrams every twelve hours. These may sound like big names you’ve never heard, but there are brand names that you are probably more familiar with. You’ll have to look at medication labels to see what is really in them. These doses are a little higher than the instructions on the bottle advise, but they are closer to prescription doses often used for menstrual cramps. It’s safe to use these doses for a couple of days. These medications block the prostaglandins that cause cramps and usually work better than some products that say they are for menstrual cramps, including aspirin or acetominophen. Aspirin products usually do little for cramps and may make bleeding heavier. Some medicines for cramps even contain caffeine. Caffeine does nothing for menstrual cramps and might make breast tenderness worse. Read the labels on medications you can buy without a prescription to find out exactly what is in them! Check with a parent before you take any type of medication.• A heating pad or a warm bath always feels nice.

If you have tried the things above and still have cramps that stop you from doing things or make you miss school, you should talk with your doctor. There are prescription medications and hormones that can treat even the most severe cramps. There are also some medical conditions that can cause bad cramps. Your doctor can discuss these with you and make sure you are okay.

Period Supplies

When you have your period, you obviously need to use pads or tampons (affectionately known, in totally unhip terms, as feminine hygiene products) to keep the blood off your clothes. There are tons of different brands in tons of different shapes and sizes. After a few periods, you’ll know what works best for you.

Whether you use pads or tampons, you should change them at least every four to six hours and may need to change them more frequently if your menstrual flow is heavy. If you aren’t familiar with them, here are some of the products out there. If you know all this . . . feel free to skip it and move on!

Pads

Pads are made with an adhesive that attaches to the crotch of your underwear. Just unwrap the pad, pull off the strip that covers the adhesive and put the pad in your underwear (sticky side against your underwear, not YOU! Ouch!). Adjust the pad into place as you pull your underwear up. There are different types of pads to choose from, including:Pantyliner. This is a really thin pad that works for very light flow. Some girls like to use a pantyliner when they are also using a tampon, just in case they overflow the tampon. Some girls also like to use these for the vaginal discharge they have between periods.Minipad. A little thicker than the pantyliner, this is for light to normal flow.Maxipad. This one can feel pretty thick. Some girls say it feels like a diaper! It’s good for heavy flow days or at night because it can absorb a lot.“Wings.” Pads with “wings” have flaps on the sides that you wrap around the crotch of your underwear. Sometimes a lot of running or activity will make your pad bunch up in the middle so that your menstrual flow goes over the edge and stains your underwear. The wings can help prevent that.Sanitary napkins. Another term for menstrual pads, it usually refers to maxis.Reusable pads. Some girls and women choose to use cotton pads that they can wash and reuse. They are probably better for the environment because you are not using disposable products. You can find them at health food stores.

Tampons

Tampons are little padlike things that actually go inside your vagina to absorb the menstrual flow as it comes out of the cervix. Sounds painful, but really, if you put it in right, you won’t even feel it!

You put tampons in with an applicator that helps you insert the tampon into the vagina. There is also a brand that doesn’t have an applicator, so you just put it in with your finger. The box they come in will have directions—look at the pictures they provide, and it will help. Just like pads, tampons come in a variety of sizes. For your first time, it definitely helps to use the slender or “light” size tampons. Sometimes it helps to put your finger in your vagina first to see what direction you need to “aim” the tampon. All tampons have a string on them so you can just pull the string to take the tampon out when it is time to change it. Don’t worry, the strings don’t break!!!! Even if they did, the vagina is a “dead end,” so a tampon cannot get lost inside you and end up coming out of your nose! (Whew!)

Tampons are nice because you can swim and do other activities with them and not have to worry about having a bulky pad on. Can you imagine trying to wear a pad in a bathing suit and then getting it wet in the pool?

It is safe to use tampons even with your first period. Some girls, though, feel more comfortable trying their first tampon after they are a little more used to having periods. When you decide to use a tampon for the first time, make sure you are on your period with a pretty normal to heavy flow. This is because the tampon comes out a lot easier when it is soaked. If it is dry, it feels like you are tugging on the walls of the vagina . . . ouch! There is no reason to “practice” using a tampon before you are on your period. It will work, but it takes a little getting used to.

If your mom doesn’t want you to use a tampon, you should ask why. Tampons have only been around for a couple of generations, so a lot of women your mom’s age or grandmother’s age were told they couldn’t use tampons until they were married. This means they couldn’t use tampons until after they had sex. Tampons won’t break your hymen, injure your vagina or tarnish your reputation as a nice girl. Even the super-plus size tampons are a lot smaller than an erect penis! And since you put a tampon in yourself, you will know how much pressure you can apply to get it in without hurting yourself.

Another reason some people are scared of using tampons is a problem called toxic shock syndrome (TSS). TSS became well known when it started happening among women who used one particular brand of tampons that is no longer made. Toxic shock syndrome is a severe infection with a particular type of bacteria, and it is only rarely associated with tampon use. (It’s actually more common with surgery or skin infections.) Recently, it has occurred a little more frequently because of super absorbent brands. If you use one of these make sure you remove it within four-six hours. So the bottom line is that tampons are safe to use if used properly.

How do you use them properly? Well, if you are using tampons, just as with pads, you’ll need to change them regularly. If your flow is heavy, you’ll know to change your tampon when you feel it starting to leak. If your flow is light, use a light or thin tampon, and don’t wear it longer than six hours. If you forget to take one out and leave it in for several days, you’ll remember when you start to notice a horrible odor or start having spotting that has a bad odor. An old, bloody tampon that sits in a vagina for several days will cause just that. Yuck! Hold your nose, take it out and wrap it up in something that will contain the smell! It happens. Just let it be a lesson: What goes in, must come out!

PMS?

Some teens and women notice changes in the way they feel before their period. Symptoms can start anywhere in the one to two weeks before your period starts. They might include emotional things like crying easily, being moody or grumpy, or wanting to be alone. They can also be physical things like breast soreness, cramping, feeling puffy or craving certain foods.

When these types of feelings affect the things you do or your relationships with your friends or family, it’s called PMS (it stands for premenstrual syndrome)—it’s a real medical diagnosis, not an excuse. Sometimes people want to blame anger or emotions on PMS, but it may just be real anger or real emotions. There’s a little good news since PMS won’t happen at all unless you are ovulating regularly (remember that can take several years after you start!).

If you think you have PMS, you can do some things to make it better. First, you can predict when you will start your period and then also predict when your PMS will start. Use the menstrual calendar we provided. If you are prepared for it, it may not affect you so much.

PMS Busters

Get some exercise for at least 30 minutes a day.

Eat a dinner that is rich in complex carbohydrates, low in protein and fat—especially avoid animal protein and fat.

Avoid caffeine and salty foods.

Make sure you get some alone time to relax: Write in your journal, listen to some music or just do nothing!

Taking certain vitamins and minerals may help, including vitamin B₆ tablets, calcium, magnesium and vitamin E.

Taking omega-3 fatty acids, like evening primrose oil, fish oil or flaxseed oil, can help with mood problems, cramping and breast tenderness.

Wearing a supportive bra like a sports bra can help with breast tenderness.

Drinking herbal diuretic, caffeine-free tea can help with the bloating or puffiness. Remember to drink plenty of water!

Only about three or four in one hundred women will have PMS that’s so bad they need medications to help it. That is rare. If you think you have PMS that is really bad, your doctor should be able to help you with medications or other suggestions.

Do Something Special for Yourself

Lots of women think that periods are a real burden. Some even call their period “the curse”! But that’s not necessarily how it has to be. In fact, most girls and women don’t let periods get in their way at all.

Some people will also say, “Oh, you’re a woman now.” Guess what? Not! There’s a lot more to being a woman than just having a period. You are still a girl, and you can still have all the fun that girls are supposed to have. Don’t let your period get in your way!

If you find yourself feeling crabby or crampy around your period time, use it as a signal for you to do something nice for yourself, something you love . . . alone! Like to read? Play music? Watch the clouds? Curl up with your pet? Do it! Enjoy something special that gives you YOUTIME, and it will automatically make you feel a little better! You can use this time to focus on yourself. You may find that you actually enjoy and look forward to doing something special for yourself, even if it is period time. We hope that girls with Girl Power will celebrate their gift of girlhood, and having a period is just part of what makes all of us sisters special.

7

Boy, Oh Boy!

Enough about periods for a while, let’s talk about boys! Now, for this whole thing about having babies—it won’t happen just because you have a period. It takes sperm from a man getting together with an egg from a woman to make a baby. Funny thing about guys is that they don’t start making sperm until they go through puberty. (Remember, we are born with all of our eggs. Guys have to start from scratch.)

So have you noticed your guy friends going through puberty? Girls go through it several years earlier than guys. You are probably already in the midst of it, but your guy friends are just noticing changes around ages eleven to fourteen. That’s partly why girls are sometimes “romantically interested” long before their guy friends are clued in to girls and crushes.

You’ll know they are catching up in the puberty scene when you notice some thin, whispy hair on their upper lips (trying to become a mustache). You might notice more acne, voice changes and fast increases in their height. What you don’t notice is one of their first signs of puberty. Their testicles enlarge and their penises grow (getting more information than you want?). It seems unfair that one of the first signs of puberty for a girl is obvious to everyone (we start growing breasts, and it’s hard to hide that!). For guys this early sign is not so obvious (well, that’s probably a good thing!).

Boy Parts

Well, we have to talk about it a little, so in case you didn’t know yet, a boy’s “private body parts,” or external genitalia, are different from yours, especially in one area (no kidding!). Here are the words:Penis (also known as a dick, a pecker, a unit, a johnson, a tally wacker, a weenie, a prick, a one-eyed monster . . . why so many names?!)— the tubelike thing that boys pee out of. It’s also where sperm comes out. It’s made of soft spongy tissue and is usually soft and floppy. When a guy gets sexually excited, the spongy tissue becomes full of blood (engorged). This makes the whole penis hard, and it “stands up” instead of flopping down—that’s called an erection (or a hard-on, a woody, a boner). The penis needs to be erect to allow it to go into the vagina during sex. An erection is an interesting thing . . . really! So interesting, in fact, that we have more about it in the erection section later in this chapter . . . keep reading!Urethra—connects the bladder (which is where urine is stored) to the penis and outside, so it’s where the urine (pee) comes out. It is also connected with the parts involved in sperm travel. That means it’s how the sperm gets out, too. It contains a valve that is like a door that lets only one of these things happen at a time. So when a guy is peeing, sperm can’t come out, and likewise, when sperm is coming out, he can’t pee. When we get more into the sex stuff later, this will seem more important!Testes (also called testicles)—where guys make sperm and where the male hormone (called testosterone) comes from. Testosterone is the hormone that causes boys to grow facial hair, pubic hair, larger muscles and thickened vocal cords that give them their deeper voice (after it goes through the squeaky phase while the voicebox is growing). Guys have two testes, and they often call them their “balls” or their “nuts.” They can be really tender and painful if hit or bumped hard. That’s why guys in sports have to wear a plastic guard called an athletic cup over their penis and testicles to protect those sensitive parts. Some guys in other sports may wear a jock strap, which holds the penis and testicles close to the body and keeps them from flopping and swinging too much. A jock strap keeps a guy’s privates comfortable and secure, like a jogging bra keeps our breasts snug and comfy during vigorous activity.Scrotum—the sac of skin that hold the testicles. It’s located behind the penis and between the legs. Did you know that sperm can only be made properly at a temperature that is slightly lower than our usual body temperature (in fact, they grow best at precisely 96.6 degrees Fahrenheit)? That’s why the scrotum hangs away from the body and keeps the testicles cooler, so they can do their thing. In really cold weather, the scrotum will pull closer into the body to keep the testicles at the right temperature. So guys kind of have this built-in incubator with its own thermometer . . . wow! But don’t believe for a minute that hanging out in a hot tub will kill a guy’s sperm and make it impossible to get pregnant!

Sperm—the little things that a male makes that fertilize a female’s egg. Sperm are so tiny that millions of them would fit into a teaspoon. You can’t see a sperm unless you look under a microscope. If you do that, they actually look like tiny tadpoles, and they swim! It takes about 90 days for a sperm to grow and mature in the male. When they come out of the penis, it is called ejaculation. For girls, only one egg is released each cycle, but for a guy, each time he ejaculates, he lets go of many millions of sperm. Some sperm will make girl babies, and some will make boy babies, so it’s up to the man’s sperm, not the woman’s egg, to determine whether a baby boy or baby girl will be made. (By the way, the plural form of sperm is sperm. So it’s one sperm, two sperm, five million sperm.)Epididymus—a very long, coiled-up tube on the outside surface of each testicle. It’s where the baby sperm spend a few weeks while they are growing into mature sperm . . . kind of like the incubator. When a male ejaculates, the sperm come from the epididymus, travel through some tubes and go out the opening at the end of the penis.Prostate and seminal vesicles—two glands that are inside a male that add fluid to the sperm so they have something to swim in and nutrition for the trip (have snacks, will travel!). Once the fluid is added to the sperm, the mixture is called semen.Semen—we just told you what this is, but we want to make sure you realize that semen is what comes out of the penis during sex or sexual excitement (the act is called ejaculation or “coming,” and the fluid itself is called semen, ejaculate or cum). When it comes out, it amounts to less than a tablespoon of liquid, but guess how many sperm are in it? MILLIONS!!! And it only takes ONE to fertilize an egg! When ejaculation happens, all those little sperm race to see which one can get to the egg first and make a baby. Talk about competitive!

Erection Section

If you are like most girls, erections seem like a really unusual phenomenon to you. For a girl, the closest thing that happens like that and can be noticeable to others is when you are wearing a thin shirt and your nipples get hard and poke out like headlights coming on! Sometimes embarrassing, sometimes not even noticeable. For guys, erections can be even worse.

Can you imagine something between your legs suddenly becoming hard, about twice its usual size and sticking up? That’s the embarrassing thing that happens to boys when they are in puberty and beyond. Boys can get erections even as babies. It happens sometimes if they have to pee or if they rub or play with their penises. In puberty, boys get “boners” a lot more frequently because of their hormones. Erections can be unpredictable and can happen at the worst times . . . like when a guy is asked to get up in front of the class to read a report. Yikes.

Erections usually happen if a guy is thinking about something sexy or having a fantasy. It will also happen if he is “playing with himself ” or masturbating. The embarrassing part for guys, though, is that sometimes they have no control over a sudden erection. It’s certainly not something you want to point out to them like, “Um, excuse me, is that a banana in your pocket or are you having an erection?”

Most of the time, guys find a way to hide it. They either won’t stand up, or they might put their hands in their pockets to hold themselves down. (“Down boy, down!”) Sometimes they will think about something unexciting (like kissing their grandmothers) to make erections go away. These erections usually last only a minute or so when they happen like that.

A teen guy will almost definitely get an erection if he is dancing closely, body to body, with his “sweetie” or if his crush sits on his lap. If you are the subject of one of these erections, don’t worry, it’s not your responsibility to help him make it go away. Some guys might expect you to “do something” sexual to help them “finish” their sexual excitement with an orgasm (read more about that in the next section). The great news here is that ALL guys know how to take care of that all by themselves. You should feel NO obligation, and don’t let any guy tell you differently!

The other thing you might hear about is a nocturnal emission— fondly known as a wet dream. A wet dream is when a guy ejaculates in his sleep. It might happen because of a sexy dream, or it might just happen for no reason. No need to ask your guy friends about it. They won’t want to talk about it, and some guys never have one.

The Journey of a Sperm

If you’ve been paying attention, we are sure you know that sex is how a baby is made, and we will definitely talk a lot more about sex stuff in this book. For now, let’s concentrate on getting this anatomy straight. It seems like a lot to learn, but it makes more sense when you understand how it all connects and works together. Let us take you on an amazing, swirly, twistyturny journey that will start with a sperm and end with a pregnancy happening in a female. Ready? Here we go.• Sperm are made in the testes. (You know that by now, right?)

• They travel into the epididymus (incubator), where they hang out for a few weeks until they grow and mature.

• With sexual excitement (we’ll get to that later), they are pushed through another tube called the vas deferens. In the vas deferens, they pass the seminal vesicles and prostate gland where they pick up their nutrients and fluids (snacks) and officially become semen.

• As the journey out continues, the sperm travel into the penis ,and with ejaculation, the semen squirts out of the penis through the urethra.

• If they come out during sexual intercourse, they find themselves in a woman’s vagina (hey, where are we? how’d we get here?). And they’re off, up the vagina, through the cervix, into the uterus, then into one of the fallopian tubes. Little do they know, there is usually only one egg. So that means about HALF of them will make a wrong turn down the empty fallopian tube (you know how men don’t like to ask for directions. . . .).

• Anyway . . . ahoy! After a long upstream swim, some (actually many many thousands) of the sperm finally reach the egg that has been floating peacefully down the fallopian tube since it ovulated. Eggs only live about 24 to 48 hours after ovulation, but sperm can live up to a week, so timing is important.

• They all surround the egg and start wiggling their way into it. Once one sperm gets through the egg’s wall, a special chemical is released that prevents any others from getting in. It’s like a lock down (or getting grounded!).

• The egg and sperm, now together, will share their genes (DNA or biological information that determines how a person looks, grows, etc.), and they begin to grow into a ball of cells that can eventually become a baby. The ball of cells (called an embryo) will then travel back into the uterus. It settles into the thick, lush, nutrient-rich endometrium (remember the “bed”?).

• Blood vessels from the mother begin to feed the pregnancy, and it continues to grow for the next nine months into a real, live baby! The birth of that baby is another story we don’t have space for in this book, but it is incredible!

It’s an amazing miracle!

8

S-E-X

When you hear the word sex, what do you think of? Your parents or grandparents may refer to sex as “the birds and the bees.” Whatever. Most people think of that penis-in-vagina thing, but there’s really a lot more to it. What about feeling attracted to someone? Holding hands? Kissing? Touching? Intercourse? Oral sex? All of these are part of sex. And the penis-in-vagina thing is usually near the end, not the beginning, of sex. See? There’s a lot to talk about when we say that very big little three-lettered word, S-E-X.

Sex: The Basics

Let’s start with the basics. From a scientific viewpoint, pregnancy is just a sperm and an egg coming together at just the right time to make a new living creature. For many animals, that’s about all there is to it. You might see frogs mating in your backyard (maybe you just thought they were playing piggyback). You probably have seen a dog trying to mate with another dog (or sometimes someone’s leg). But for humans, who have the unique ability to feel love, to communicate, to bond with other humans and to express feelings, sex is a much bigger deal! It should involve a lot of emotional closeness and intimacy, a lot of trust and comfort. It should be something that both people are ready for and agree to do.

Puberty is when your body becomes sexually mature. But to be mature enough for responsible sexual activity is another whole long and involved process that includes your emotions, your sense of self and your ability to be in a healthy relationship. Just because you have the parts and the plumbing doesn’t mean you’re ready to use them (more about this later).

There are a lot of ways to safely explore your body’s feelings and pleasures besides having sex. There’s other stuff, like “petting” or making out, before “going all the way.” Girls with Girl Power need to know about the basics of sex, but they also know that Empowered Girls wait until they are mature enough to deal with all the responsibilities and consequences that come with sex. They don’t have sex before they KNOW they are ready.

The actual “activity” of sexual intercourse can sound sort of icky and awkward, but in the right relationship, when there is love and trust and comfort, it is not icky at all. Bear with us while we explain a few details. (Here comes the birds and the bees part you’ve been waiting for! )

Birds and the Bees?What do they have to do with sex? Great question. It all goes back to Victorian times when sex was never mentioned, and people were so uptight about sex that they made up an explanation for reproduction based on plants in nature. The birds were part of plant reproduction because they spread seeds. They would eat berries and seeds, then spread them as they left their droppings throughout nature. That’s the birds’ part. The bees then were responsible for helping things in nature to grow by pollinating them. So the Victorian families gave that explanation about seeds and pollination to help explain sex to their “children.” That explanation usually occurred on the eve of their weddings. Talk about some confusion!! Aren’t you glad we’re just getting this sex stuff all out in the open?

Foreplay

When a couple is sexually excited, they may kiss and touch each other. It feels good physically and emotionally. Usually, their hearts beat fast, they start breathing more heavily and they may also get sweaty. As a man gets sexually excited, he will get an erection. As the woman gets sexually excited, her vagina will make extra liquid (it’s called lubrication) that makes the vagina more slippery. The vagina will also start to expand some and become more elastic or stretchy. Her nipples and clitoris may also get hard or erect. All this excitement and touching or caressing is called foreplay. It prepares the man’s body and the woman’s body for sexual intercourse, but sexual intercourse doesn’t HAVE to happen just because there is sexual excitement.

Now to That Penis-in-Vagina Thing

Sex can happen in lots of different “positions,” but usually the woman is on the bottom and the man is on the top and they are facing each other. The man’s erect penis is inserted into the woman’s vagina. It seems like that might take some awkward positioning, but we fit together in this way like two puzzle pieces. Once the penis is inside her vagina, the couple will move their bodies to make the penis move in and out or back and forth because it feels good for both of them. The in-and-out movement feels good on the penis for the man and also feels good on the vagina and clitoris for the woman. The closeness also feels good emotionally if both are relaxed and wanting to do what they’re doing.

As the sex continues, the excitement builds to the point where an orgasm may occur. For a man, an orgasm is when ejaculation occurs. Before ejaculation, there is a small amount of fluid (called pre-ejaculate or pre-cum) that leaks out of the penis and may contain sperm. So sperm can be present even if ejaculation has not occurred. And remember, it only takes ONE sperm to get pregnant. After the male ejaculates, the penis gets soft again, and he can’t have another orgasm until he gets another erection.

For a woman, orgasm is less obvious on the outside (and it doesn’t usually involve all the crazy screaming you see on TV or in the movies), but she feels a strong and pleasurable physical reaction through her whole body. Some women can have more than one orgasm during sex, but most don’t.

We’re making it sound pretty unexciting and scientific here, but sex, in the right setting with the right person, is an amazing and wonderful connection. Don’t think from this simple description that it isn’t really special.

Like a Virgin

Lots of teens AND adults pay a lot of attention to the word virgin. In the truest sense of the word, a virgin is a person (male or female) who is sexually “pure.” That means she or he has never had sex. But as you’ll learn throughout this book, there’s a lot more to sex than just a penis in a vagina. Is a girl still a virgin if she has oral sex? Some teens think they are still “technically” a virgin even if they are doing some pretty outrageous sexual things as long as a penis doesn’t go in the vagina. How “pure” is oral or anal sex? Although it might prevent pregnancy, infections can still be a big risk. As far as we’re concerned, the word virgin doesn’t hold much significance medically because “technical virgins” are still at risk for infections and the emotional consequences of sex. The meaning of virgin is deeper than a “technical” definition; it involves purity of the mind as well as the body, and it’s something that you have control over. Just don’t try to fool yourself into thinking “technical virginity” is risk free. Face the truth and protect yourself from the consequences. We’ll discuss what those risks are later in this chapter.

The Big O

(We don’t mean Oprah, but we love her anyway.)

“O”

Orgasms feel great, no question. And lots of people make a huge deal out of them. It’s important to understand that sometimes orgasm doesn’t happen at all during the penis-in-vagina part of sex, particularly for women. Most women need to feel very relaxed, comfortable and safe to experience orgasm. Sex isn’t just about orgasm, and it can still feel good even if an orgasm doesn’t happen. Being sexual with someone you love is about expressing warmth, closeness and intimacy—an orgasm is an added bonus.

Sometimes for guys, orgasm (ejaculation) may happen very quickly and actually before they are ready for it to happen. Teenage boys in general are not always able to control how long they can keep an erection. That means a guy can get an erection and ejaculate before a girl even starts to get sexually aroused and enjoy the experience—that can lead to frustration. For a lot of women, sex is more about emotional attachment, comfort and security in a relationship. Guys sometimes get a reputation for being just into the act without the emotional attachment. There are definitely some great guys out there who are looking for emotional intimacy before sexual intimacy. There are also guys, especially teen guys, who can seem unemotional and pushy when it comes to sex. It’s not always the guys, though. There are also girls who are pushy and unemotional when it comes to doing sexual things. For too many teens, it seems to be more about bragging rights and being able to say, “Hey, I got laid!” Just remember, sex isn’t supposed to be like a Nike ad. It’s about a lot more than “just doing it.”

Solo Sex

Orgasm can happen without sexual intercouse. It can happen for males and females just from sexual touching or even in sexual dreams. A lot of males and females will touch themselves sexually. This can just feel good, or it can be intense enough to create an orgasm. Touching yourself sexually is called masturbation. When guys masturbate, they will hold and rub their penis, usually pretty vigorously, to stimulate it. When girls masturbate, they may touch their breasts, rub their clitoris or vagina. Basically, masturbation involves touching or rubbing yourself in whatever way makes you feel good sexually. There’s nothing dangerous about it (as long as it doesn’t consume your free time), and it is actually quite normal. For many teenagers, masturbation is a way to enjoy their sexual urges without risking sexual activity or intercourse with another person. Masturbation (just masturbation with yourself ) can’t cause pregnancy and can’t cause sexually transmitted diseases. And if you’ve ever heard that it will make you grow hair on your palms, make you go blind or that other people can tell you masturbate by looking at you, we hope you know by now that that’s not true. Duh.

There’s another term called mutual masturbation. Think of it as masturbation with someone else. That means that one person will touch the other person sexually and vice versa without having intercourse. Some people call this “outercourse” because it doesn’t involve intercourse. It’s also called heavy petting or a “hand job.” Like masturbation, this isn’t dangerous if the “masturbators” are only using their hands. Once it goes beyond a hand job to closer skin-to-skin contact or mouth-to-skin contact, then we’re talking about a different topic and increased risks. We’ll talk more about this in chapter 9.

Oral Sex

If touching each other sexually involves using your mouth or tongue to stimulate another person’s genitals, it’s called oral sex. Some people call it “going down” on someone. If a girl puts her mouth over a guy’s penis, the scientific word for that is fellatio, but most people refer to it as oral sex or a blow job. Blow? We don’t think blowing on the penis is really involved; that’s just a term people use. When a guy uses his mouth or tongue on a girl’s clitoris or vaginal area, the scientific word for that is cunnilingus. There is no nice way to describe it in everyday language; we prefer to stick with the term oral sex.

Anal Sex

Bet you can guess what this means. It means penis in anus. As you can imagine, the anus has loads of bacteria and is not really built for that, so it can be much more risky and cause infection, as well as be painful. Some girls think that if they have anal sex, they are being “abstinent” and can still be a “virgin.” But basically, anal sex is just as intimate as vaginal sex, and as we’ve discussed, the virginity issue is very questionable.

What Is SEXUAL and What Is ABSTINENCE?

There’s a lot of talk out there about abstinence. Lots of federal money and entire educational programs have been designed to promote sexual abstinence until marriage. The problem is, many of these programs don’t define sexual abstinence very well, so teens are making up their own definitions.

The word abstain means to withhold or “not do” something. Like abstaining from drugs means you don’t use them. So what is sexual abstinence? Well, it depends on your definition of SEXUAL. We’ve spent a lot of time talking about sexual feelings and physical touch that is sexual. Is it sexual to hug someone? French kiss? Touch private body parts through your clothes? Sure. All that stuff creates sexual feelings, so it is a sexual thing. But is that what these programs mean? You can’t kiss until you are married? We don’t think so, but some people’s definitions might mean that.

Whether these recommendations are based on religious teachings or just on common sense, the whole reason for encouraging sexual abstinence for all young people is to prevent unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections and emotional pain that can come from having sex when you’re not ready. That means you should abstain from any activity that can cause these problems.

Let’s be more precise just for the record. We hope you know how a pregnancy occurs by now, so obviously sexual abstinence means no penis-in-vagina because that could lead to pregnancy. Also, to prevent infections, sexual abstinence would include abstaining from oral sex, anal sex and very close skin-to-skin contact, particularly of the genital areas. Finally, the emotional pain thing is the most difficult to figure out. It may be impossible to prevent emotional pain if you let yourself have strong feelings for others. We can’t help having our feelings and emotions hurt in life. But, if you use your Girl Power to keep yourself from doing sexual things you don’t feel comfortable doing or don’t feel ready to do, you’re doing the best you can to protect your emotions related to sexual activity. And believe us, there’s a very strong link between our emotions and what we do sexually.

So don’t fall into the trap of believing that sexual abstinence means you can do anything sexually except have a penis in the vagina. It’s not that easy. Think about it, and make a decision you feel good about.

The Consequences of Sex

Let us first emphasize that most young teens do not have sexual intercourse, neither vaginal nor anal. These days, teens may be having more oral sex, thinking that it is risk free. Wrong! Any type of sexual contact carries risks, as we’ll explain. That means it requires responsible behavior and thinking ahead to avoid those risks.

Obviously, pregnancy is a huge risk that you take if you have sex. There are many effective ways to prevent pregnancy, but nothing except abstinence from sex is 100 percent effective. Most important, pregnancy and childbirth change lives forever—yours, your baby’s (obviously!) and your partner’s—so it better be something you are prepared to handle if you are going to have sex. Children born to young mothers do not get the same opportunities as children born to adults, who can provide financially and emotionally for a child. Young mothers are also less likely to finish their education, and you can imagine how hard it is to get a good job and provide for your family if you don’t have a good education.

Besides getting pregnant from sex, there are infections and diseases that can be passed from one person to another through sexual activities. You’ve probably heard of some of them. HIV/AIDS is one of the most well known because it kills the people who are infected with it. Other diseases may not be deadly, but they can cause serious problems, such as severe pain, birth defects, infertility (meaning a woman can’t get pregnant) and even cancer. You know what’s really scary? Every year, one in four teenage girls who have sex will get a sexually transmitted infection. One in four!!!That’s a lot! Pretty serious, huh?

Some infections can be treated, but some cannot be treated at all. Some have NO symptoms and can cause infection in the vagina, the uterus or the throat (through oral sex). The biggest problem is that you can never tell for sure whether someone has an infection. Even though a person may get “checked” for sexually transmitted infections, it doesn’t mean they don’t have ANY infections. That’s because there are no reliable and easy tests for some of the most common infections like the human papilloma virus (this causes genital warts and can lead to cervical cancer) and herpes. If someone is checked, it is usually only for gonorrhea and chlamydia (by putting a small cotton swab into the urethra or taking a urine sample) and for HIV, hepatitis and syphilis (by drawing blood). There are lots of other possible infections for which we don’t or can’t test.

The only 100 percent effective way to avoid infections is not to do the stuff that passes on these infections—and that means NO sexual intercourse, including oral sex.

For people who are having sex, there are ways to help prevent infections and pregnancy. Condoms, which are these little balloonlike things that fit over a guy’s erect penis before it goes in the vagina (also called a “rubber”), will block the sperm from getting inside the vagina. It will also cover most of the penis, so infection doesn’t spread through the skin. Since condoms don’t cover all of the skin around the bottom of the penis or the testicles, they don’t completely prevent the diseases that are passed by skin-to-skin contact. Those infections are the ones that cause things like genital warts, cervical cancer and herpes ulcers. So condoms can’t prevent all infections but they are still very important if you are having sex.

Why use them if they don’t work? They DO work but not 100 percent of the time. For now, if you decide to have sex, condoms are the only thing available that can help reduce the risks of sexually transmitted infections.

Condoms can also help prevent pregnancy, but they are by no means foolproof because they can be used improperly, or they can break or tear. There are other methods of birth control that women and men use to prevent pregnancy. Some types of birth control kill sperm in the vagina (spermicide), some block sperm (condoms, diaphragm), and some prevent a woman from ovulating (birth control pills, shots, patches) or prevent an egg from settling into the endometrium (intrauterine device and other hormonal methods like birth control pills). While birth control helps prevent pregnancy, the only 100 percent effective way to avoid pregnancy is to not have sex. Using birth control requires a lot of self-control and planning, and it can be costly. If you are or plan on having sex, you need a birth control plan, and you should talk to your parents, another adult you trust or your doctor. Don’t just let sex happen without a plan for protecting yourself from unintended pregnancy and infections.