Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters

Straight or Gay

So what IS sexual orientation? First of all, sexual orientation is not at all about how you look. It may not even be about whom you have kissed. It is really about who you are attracted to in a romantic way. If a male is emotionally and physically attracted in a mature romantic way to another male, then he is homosexual. Same goes for females attracted to females—they are homosexual. The word homosexual means the same thing as the word gay. Homosexual women are also called lesbians. Some people use hurtful words when talking about gay people, but the most respectful words to use are gay and lesbian.

There are also some people who are sexually attracted to both males and females. They are called bisexual. If a male is attracted to females or a female is attracted to males, they are heterosexual. Ninety percent of the people in the world are heterosexual.

But love is love. We can’t always help who we fall in love with. The world is filled with enough hatred and violence. We should never hate people for loving others—even if it means they are gay.

Am I Gay?

Believe it or not, this question is common and normal, and most young teens wonder about it at some point. Remember, you are trying to figure out who you are sexually, so you may think about all the possibilities. While all this sex stuff is going on in your body and brain, you may find yourself having sexual thoughts about another girl or woman. You will certainly look at other girls when they are undressing in the gym or at a sleepover. You might have even touched another girl in a private or sexual way. Don’t freak out. At your age, this happens sometimes and doesn’t mean anything yet about your sexual orientation. In fact, around age twelve or thirteen, about one in four girls can’t say for sure whether they think they are gay or not. But by age eighteen, only one in twenty girls doesn’t know for sure. That means that during adolescence, most girls figure out and feel comfortable about their sexual orientation. It can be a tough and confusing thing to think you are gay during your teen years. It is really important to find someone you can talk to openly. If you don’t think your parents are the ones, look to a school counselor, doctor, a friend’s parent or other trusted adult.

There is a lot of controversy about whether people choose to be homosexual or whether they are born that way. We aren’t here to answer that question, but it is very important to realize that people are people, and their sexual orientation means nothing about their value as humans. Being gay is not easy in our society because of teasing and discrimination. We should treat each other with respect and tolerance, which is what girls with Girl Power do.

Sex and Power: It Can Be Good, It Can Be Bad

Sexuality is powerful. Advertising companies have used the power of sexual images for many years because it works. Sex sells. They might show a photo of a big-breasted woman on a motorcycle to sell a pair of jeans, but what do her breasts have to do with the jeans? They may show a sexy pair of legs with a sports drink next to them to sell that drink. What do the legs have to do with the sports drink? Absolutely nothing, nada, zippo. But the image of something sexy always seems to get attention. It’s powerful.

We bet some of your classmates have figured this out, too. A special glance, an innocent touch or a certain comment might actually send a message that says, “Hey, look at me, I’m kind of cute, and I’m looking at you . . . yeah you.” That, we’re sure you know, is called flirting. Flirting can be innocent and fun. It’s a way that girls and guys let each other know there’s an interest brewing. On the other hand, flirting can become not so good if it turns into excessive teasing or manipulating behavior.

Sexual Harassment

Sometimes flirting goes too far and may make you feel uncomfortable. For instance, a cute guy in your class starts staring at you, and every time you look at him, he winks. Flattered? Maybe. Let’s say he then starts following you in the halls and whispers comments about how nice your breasts look to him. How does that make you feel? Probably very uncomfortable. This is a form of sexual harassment.

How about if you’re walking through a crowded hallway at school, and someone pinches or fondles your butt. Some girls might think this attention is cool, but unwanted attention of that kind is also a form of sexual harassment.

The more common examples of sexual harassment are when someone uses sexual language, talks about sex, or uses touch or body language in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, embarrassed or threatened. Another type of sexual harassment is when someone asks you to look at photos of naked people or sexual acts (also called pornography). They can even send them to you through the Internet when you don’t even want to look at that stuff. Why would someone do this? It’s a power trip. They are using words, actions or physical contact to feel more powerful than you. Remember, sexual harassment is not only wrong, it is illegal. If you feel like someone is harassing you, it’s time to talk to that good old trusted adult.

When Sex Is a Crime

Unfortunately, there are people in this world who use the power of sex in very bad ways. If an adult forces you or talks you into doing something sexual that you don’t want to do, it’s called sexual abuse. If they take photographs of you naked or doing sexual things, it’s pornography, and that is sexual abuse as well. It’s a way they take advantage of children or teens for their own pleasure or entertainment—sometimes just for the power trip of it. Sexual abusers are not just spooky-looking men, they can be anybody, even adults who supervise kids and seem to like them. Sometimes sexual abuse occurs within families (this is called incest). How can this happen? Abusers will often earn the trust of the child by buying gifts or providing treats, but then they expect the child to keep secrets about what’s happening in private. They may threaten to stop the gifts or even threaten to withdraw love if the child tells anyone. Sometimes they threaten to hurt someone the child loves if the child tells anyone. And even if the child does tell, people may have a hard time believing them. The child might even be afraid that no one will believe them.

No matter who it is—a parent, a coach, a friend of the family, a stepparent, a neighbor—anyone who does this is a criminal, because sexual abuse is illegal, and the abusers are way sick in the head. Unfortunately, it happens more than you would ever imagine. If this has ever happened to you or anyone you know, your first step is to tell an adult who will listen and help. If you aren’t sure who you can tell, a good resource is a school counselor.

Rape

Rape (also called sexual assault) is when someone is forced into sexual activity. Most of the time, girls are raped by boys or men. If a male forces his penis, finger, tongue or other object into a female’s vagina, anus or mouth, it is rape. This is a violent crime, and there is no excuse for it. It has very little to do with sex but a lot to do with power. Even though it seems like a sexual kind of thing, rapists do not rape for sexual feelings. Instead, rapists rape for power and control.

Unfortunately, when many girls and women are raped, they do not tell anyone or report it to the police because they feel embarrassed or ashamed. No matter how a girl acts or dresses, nothing makes it okay for someone to rape her. Some girls even think they might be partly to blame for it happening, and many girls think they are “ruined” or have “lost their virginity” to a rapist. That’s why rape can confuse girls and make them feel bad about themselves. If you are raped, you aren’t ruined, because it is something that happened to you. You didn’t have a choice in it, and most girls do whatever it takes just to survive the experience. What you do have a choice about is taking care of yourself and getting medical attention so you can heal from it, both physically and emotionally.

Most girls think that rapes happen only in dark alleys or when girls hitchhike. The awful truth is that most girls who are raped are raped by someone they know or have met recently. Most rapes also happen in someone’s home (or apartment or dorm) or another familiar place.

Unfortunately, most rapes happen to teenage girls, and one of the most common types of rape is called date rape. Like it sounds, this happens when a girl is out with a guy she may like, and he forces her to have sex with him. Sometimes the force is real physical force, but sometimes it is by talking her into it when she doesn’t really want to. Sometimes she says no, but he doesn’t listen, and many times, drugs or alcohol are involved. This is another good reason to “just say no” to drugs and alcohol. Even in date rape or drug-related rape, girls still need to get medical attention afterward to help prevent infections and pregnancy and to make sure there are no injuries. The sooner a girl gets medical attention, the better for preventing infections and pregnancy as well as for making sure the victim is okay. If this ever happens to you or someone you know, it is also important to get help to heal emotionally. Going to an emergency room or your doctor is important for getting this type of help.

Again, rape is a crime. It needs to be reported to the police or an adult who can help, and immediate medical attention is very important. Guys who rape once often do it again and again to other girls. By reporting the crime, you can help prevent that. It’s a horrible shame that rape happens, but there’s no reason for the victim to feel ashamed. Tell all your girlfriends that the most important thing is to get help.

No Means No!

Even if you want to mess around and you say it’s okay, sometimes sex can still be a crime. A crime? Yep. Let’s look at a real-life story:

A 14-year-old girl and her boyfriend are kissing and move into heavy petting. She starts to feel uneasy with their actions and asks her boyfriend to stop. He is so sexually excited that he doesn’t listen and doesn’t stop. They end up having sex.

There is a huge problem here. When two people are involved in sexual behaviors, they both have to agree to what they are doing. This is called consent, and it matters a ton! In fact, if someone does not give consent to sex, it is rape. The important thing about consent is that it should be “active,” meaning you both actually agree to sex or sexual touching by saying yes. “Passive” consent doesn’t count, because that’s when you don’t say anything, so he assumes you are okay going along with it. You can’t just assume what others want when it comes to something as personal as sex. So again, sex without consent is rape. As you already know, rape is a crime that is punished by law and can mean prison.

What about the situation above where this is her boyfriend and she was okay with the petting, but not with going all the way? She wouldn’t want to get her boyfriend in trouble, but what he did is absolutely wrong.

Remember, rape is a power issue, not a sex issue. Guys who don’t stop when asked aren’t interested in the girl or her feelings. They are only interested in their own power over her. Any guy can stop, even in the middle of sex, and it won’t hurt him in any way . . . so there’s no excuse. No means NO! Stop means STOP! Be clear about what you want and don’t want.

What about times when you don’t say no but don’t want to go further? You can try body language, like turning away, pulling his hand away, closing your legs together. But guys are NOT good at understanding body language, especially in the heat of the moment. So you have to find your voice, no matter how hard, and utter the words, “STOP . . . I don’t want to do this.” A true love will understand and respect your feelings. A true love will wait until the time is right for both of you.

What Does the Law Have to Do With Me and My Sex Life?!

Another big issue with consent is that you have to be ABLE to GIVE consent. That means you have to be old enough and you have to have a clear mind. Old enough? Yes. States have laws that say when a teen is old enough to “consent” to having sex. The age is different among different states, but in general, it ranges from 14 to 17 years of age.

There are reasons for these laws. When you are a young teen, even though you are smart and mature for your age, you still are not ready to handle all of the things that go along with having sex. This is so important that every state has this kind of law. That means that if a guy tries to have sex with a girl who is younger than the age of consent, it is illegal. Even if the girl says yes, it doesn’t matter because the state says she isn’t old enough to give permission. It would be like you trying to sign your own report card or permission slip. It’s not allowed, and the rules are very clear.

Finally and importantly, people who are under the influence of alcohol or drugs are not ABLE to give consent. That means that if a girl is drunk, and a guy has sex with her, it is illegal because she can’t give consent. This is also rape and punishable by law.

Scary, huh? Unfortunately, this is how a lot of girls end up having sex when they don’t mean to. Remember how we said that you have the power to make choices that help you stick to your boundaries— choices like not getting drunk or high, not being alone with a guy you’re not sure you can trust, or not going so far that it’s hard to stop before you have sex? Well, even if you make a poor decision, get drunk and end up in a bad situation, you do not deserve to be raped! If you are not able to give consent to sex, if you say NO or if you are too young to give consent, the sex is a crime. And the guy is wrong and can be punished by the law!

If anything like this happens to you, speak up! Get help! Tell your parents, a teacher at school, a girlfriend’s mom—find someone who can help you. It will be tough. You may even feel like it was your fault if you were where you shouldn’t have been, doing things you shouldn’t have been doing or with people you shouldn’t have been with. Find your courage! It is not your fault, and a guy who forces sex on you, no matter what the circumstances, is a criminal.

Healthy Sexuality

We know that some of this stuff about sexuality and power sounds scary, and it is. The ways that people can abuse sex for power and for harm are really rotten. But remember, there is good power, too. There’s Girl Power. Learning to understand and use your sexuality in healthy ways is a big part of Girl Power; it can help you be in control and keep you healthy and safe.

There is great power that comes from knowledge and making good choices about your body and what it can do. Your body is the tool you will use to enjoy your sexuality all your life, so it is important that you take good care of it and treat it with respect. Here’s how you develop the Girl Power that comes with healthy sexuality:• You understand and accept the changes happening in your body.

• You do what you can to keep your body healthy.

• You notice that you have sexual feelings.

• You learn to appreciate your sexual feelings, but you act on them in a safe and responsible way.

• You feel comfortable discussing sexual issues with your parents or another trusted adult.

• You are respectful of other people’s sexual identities and choices but stand up for your own values.

• You rely on your friends to help you learn about trust and being intimate with feelings.

• You understand that some people use sex for power.

• You look forward to a fulfilling sexual experience in a relationship that is meaningful and responsible; for most people, that means in a mature, committed adult relationship or marriage.

That’s what Girl Power and Girlology is all about. So feel good about your sexuality! It’s a big part of who you are and who we hope you’ll become—a healthy, strong, smart young woman who’s got it going on, body, mind and soul!

10

Mixed Messages

Sex is a hot topic. Just check out the cover of Seventeen magazine, the posters in your health class, TV shows, religious youth group programs and the rows of books on sexuality in Barnes & Noble. Everybody’s got something to say about sex.

With all these different people weighing in on sex, it can be a confusing topic. So confusing that we can’t even agree on what to call it! In science we call it “reproduction.” Your parents might call it “making love.” Friends can call it “sleeping” with a boy. It’s called sex, sexual intercourse, as well as lots of not-so-proper names.

Why do we have so many names for it? And why are some of the names “nice” and some aren’t nice at all? The reason is simple. Different people have lots of different ideas about sex. Some think it’s loving affection between husband and wife. Others think it’s just a fun way to relieve yourself when you feel sexually aroused or “horny.” Some people say sex is mainly for making babies. Other people do it for the sheer thrill and excitement. What a variety of ideas! What a bag of mixed messages!

With all these mixed messages, how do we decide what’s right for us? Where do we get the information that helps us decide? Parents? Television? Church? Movies? Boyfriends? Teachers? Friends? Magazines? Internet?

Whom do you listen to? How do you decide which messages are important and which are not so important? It’s hard! If you are like a lot of girls, you want to:• Fit in with your friends• Be liked by boys• Be trusted by your parents• Know about the latest trends

Parents, girlfriends, boyfriends and the media can have different ideas about how your friends, boys, parental trust and trends fit in with your new sexual self. If you are paying attention to all these messages, here’s what you might hear:

From Parents

I’m glad you asked me.

What?! Why are you interested in sex? Are you already doing it?

Wait until you’re married.

Use birth control.

Sex is a gift you save for your husband.

Sex is dirty.

Sex is not healthy for teenagers.

Sex is for adults only.

Sex is wonderful if you are in the right relationship.

Sex is dangerous.

Sex is intimate and emotional.

Sex is a gift from God.

From Girlfriends

I want to have sex now.

I want to wait until I’m married to have sex.

Sex is gross.

I can’t believe you haven’t had sex yet!

Sex is disappointing.

Sex is fun.

Sex is all about the guys.

Sex is something that everyone is doing.

Sex is scary.

You need to use a condom.

You only need to have sex if you want a baby.

Boys only like you if you have sex.

My boyfriend wanted to do it, so I did.

My boyfriend wants to wait. Is that weird?

Once you start having sex, it’s really hard to stop.

From Boyfriends

Guys have to have it to release tension.

Let’s wait until we are both ready to do sexual things.

Your sense of humor is what I love best about you.

It gets me hot when you wear that micro-mini with the baby T.

Everybody is doing it.

We’ll just stop at second base.

From Magazines, TV and Movies

Sex is no big deal.

Sex is exciting.

Sex feels good.

You will be happy if you have sex.

Sex is always romantic and passionate.

You need big boobs to be sexy.

You need a skinny body to be sexy.

You need tight jeans to be attractive to guys.

You need a lot of makeup and perfect skin to have sex appeal.

Everybody has sex with every boyfriend they ever have.

You don’t even need to have a husband or a boyfriend to have sex! Just do it for fun!

What Else Have You Heard?

There’s a lot of contradiction here, isn’t there? They can’t all be right, so who is?

Decision time!You have to decide what is right. And “right” here doesn’t mean the same thing it does on a test. No way. Right means what is healthy for your body, your emotions and your relationships—now and in the future. Your job is to check out all the messages you get and then decide what your own opinion is. Decide what is healthy for you.

We’ve said it before, but it’s important enough to say again: Some of the people telling you about sex are interested in what’s best for you. They are usually people in relationships with you, people you know well and who care about you when it comes to things other than sex. Others are interested in what’s best for them. They usually want to sell you something or get their own way.

So how do you respond to these ideas and pressures? We’ve just reviewed the messages themselves, now let’s talk about why they are so mixed up.

Oh No, “The Talk”

Lots of parents feel really awkward talking about sex. Maybe it’s because their parents didn’t talk with them. Or maybe they just can’t picture their baby girl as a sexual being. Some parents regret sexual choices they made as teens and are afraid to tell you about it.

It’s hard for parents to imagine you as even thinking about sexual things. But their little girl is growing up (sniff, sniff ), and they see you changing a lot. You probably choose clothes and wear makeup to make yourself attractive to guys. You go to “boy-girl parties” where you hang out and maybe even flirt and dance with guys. You might even start to date. Cut your parents some slack! This isn’t exactly easy on them either!

Parents handle the sex talk in lots of different ways. Do any of these sound familiar?1. “Read this book.” Some parents try to ignore the topic completely and just hand over a book like this one. As useful as this book is, it can’t replace honest conversation. If your parents hand you a book and then run in the opposite direction, chase them down and ask questions! Be brave and start the sex conversation yourself!2. “You’ll get pregnant, never finish high school and end up working at McDonald’s your entire life if you have sex.” Yikes! Scare tactics! Guilt! That pregnant/school dropout/McDonald’s thing certainly can happen, but your sexuality involves a lot more than just having sexual intercourse. It can be holding hands, kissing, touching, sharing secrets, emotional closeness and friendship. But sometimes parents are so afraid you will make a big mistake with sex that they are afraid to let you open the door on your sexuality in any way, shape or form. You’ll have to open that door. Respect their privacy, but ask them what choices they made as teens that they are happy with now, twenty or thirty years later. Which ones are they unhappy about? If they don’t want to talk about their personal experiences, respect their privacy. Maybe they would rather tell you stories about some of their friends’ experiences when they were teens.3. “I’m so glad you asked me. I’ve been wanting to talk to you about sex, but I wasn’t sure you were interested yet.” Some parents have no trouble discussing it at all. They are open and honest. They admit their fears and wishes for you as you develop sexually. They explore what a healthy relationship looks like with you and help you identify peer pressure. They give you reasons for wanting you to handle sex a certain way, and they help you decide based on your family’s values.

Different parents can give you different messages about sex, but there is one thing you can be pretty certain of. They want what is best for you. Their opinion is one you can respect, even if they trip all over themselves telling it to you.

The Talk among Teens

Your friends and your boyfriend are right in the thick of this whole sexual development thing with you. Girlfriends are deciding to hold hands with a guy on Monday, to kiss a guy on Thursday, and then changing their minds again. They are experimenting with clothing and makeup styles that are hot and sexy. In doing that, some are finding out that what they wear can send the wrong message about the type of person they are. They are also figuring out the difference between guy friends, boyfriends and crushes. And why do guy friends turn into crushes so easily these days?

Boyfriends are teens just like you—figuring this sex thing out as they go along. Some can be great friends as well as boyfriends. Those are the ones who talk to you about sexual things and respect your wishes. They don’t pressure you to do things you don’t want to do, and you don’t pressure them either. Those are the boyfriends who have what’s best for you in mind.

And just like some girlfriends, some guys don’t have what’s best for you in mind. They are easy to pick out. They are the ones who have their best interests in mind—the guys who cause your girlfriends to say, “Sex is all about the boy.” They may tell you their bodies need sex, or you’ll do it if you love them, or you’re just a prude because everyone is doing it. Wrong, wrong and wrong again!

Some friends will seem really confident and have tons of information about sex stuff you’ve never even heard of. But they are not experts. Beware of the information you get from other teens about sex. Lots of it is not true. We know. We hear it from our patients every day. Have you ever heard any of this before?• You can’t get pregnant the first time you have sex.

• You can’t get pregnant if you are on your period.

• You can’t get any infections from oral sex.

• Sex is no big deal.

• Everyone is doing it.

• Boys have to have sex to release tension.

Guess what. Every single one of these statements is FALSE. Remember, we know from research that most young teens are not having sex, but a lot of them like to make you think they are. Be careful about believing everything a casual friend says about sex. Especially if she sounds like she is bragging or acting superior. It’s probably not true. She’s more likely trying to show off than help you decide what is best for you.

Now your closest friends do want what is best for you. They don’t lie to you on purpose. It’s just that they don’t have all the information you need. But you can count on them to be honest, and together you can read books, talk to trusted adults and find out the truth about sex!

The Talk in the Media

News flash! The media is one group that is not worried about what’s best for you.

Well, let’s take that back for just a minute. There are reporters and shows that provide great factual information that will help you make healthy decisions. And we give them credit. But the media we are talking about are a lot of the advertisers, entertainers and too many shows that are on TV every day. Entire books have been written about how these folks make girls feel bad about themselves and give people wrong impressions about what’s normal.

TV shows make you think that sex always occurs suddenly in a moment of passion or hot sexiness. Guess what? Most sex happens in a more planned way where the couple has thought about it, talked about it and planned for ways to protect themselves from pregnancy and diseases.

Magazines make you think that sexy women are all ultra skinny, in designer clothes and with perfect skin. Wrong again. Most women are nothing like that. In fact those women in the magazines aren’t really like that either! They have professional hair and makeup artists, wardrobe stylists and top-notch photographers whose jobs are to make them look perfect. Plus the photos are airbrushed or manipulated on a computer to cover up blemishes, cellulite and other imperfections before they are printed. Perfect bodies and skin? We don’t think so!

People get brainwashed into thinking that what they see on TV and in magazines is what’s normal. Lots of girls compare themselves with the models and actresses they see and end up feeling bad about their looks or their clothes. If you want to see what’s really normal, take a look around your school lunchroom. You’ll see girls of all shapes and sizes— short and petite, broad-shouldered and muscular, size 2 and size 16, long hair and short hair, clumsy and graceful. The variety is endless!

Take an Active Role!

If you are like a lot of teen girls, you like reading magazines and watching TV. But you need to learn how to recognize when advertisers and producers are messing with your head. Fight back. If you see a TV show that is unrealistic—like sex between teens with no mention of birth control, diseases or emotional effects—write to the producer. If you see a magazine article or ad that promotes unrealistic bodies, cut it out and write a letter. Quit buying products that use ads that make girls feel bad about themselves, and send a letter to the company to tell them why. Advertisers want your money. That’s the whole reason they make these ads that get attention. Give them the type of attention they deserve— avoid their products and spread the word. Now that feels powerful!!

Unmixing the Message

So here you are. Sitting on a pile of mixed and opposite messages about sex. How do you figure it all out?

You can discuss it with the people who want what is best for you. Your close friends, your parents, trusted adults like teachers, doctors, family members and friends’ moms.

It works like this. First you get a mixed message. For example, you hear from an “experienced” girl that sex is scary, disappointing and gross.

But you know that can’t always be true because why then would anyone ever do it? Plus you hear from your mom that it is also wonderful, intimate and a gift to be enjoyed. You’ve got to decide which is right!

Your close friends can help you figure out exactly what things can make sex so yucky—the time, the place, the boy, your age, the relationship, the kind of sexual thing that girl was doing. You can learn from someone else’s experience, even if it is bad. If you want nothing less than wonderful when it comes to sexual things, then promise yourself to stay away from things that make it yucky. And stick to your promise!

Then go ask your mom what makes sex such a wonderful, intimate gift. Write a list of things that may help make sex a wonderful thing for you some day. Promise yourself that you will stick to that list before you get caught up in the heat of a passionate moment.

We realize that making a promise to yourself sounds easy, but sticking to it, especially when your peers are pressuring you, is tough. It takes practice. You have to think of some “comebacks” ahead of time and practice using them in different situations. Here are a few examples:

The PressureComebacksI can't believe you haven't had sex, yet!I can't believe you have!

Oh, then you don't really know me at all. Too bad.

I can't believe you think people our age really have sex. They've got you fooled.If you love him, you'll have sex with him.If he loves me, he'll wait. I'm worth it.

Love's too deep for me right now. I'm just havin' a good time hangin' out with him.Everyone is doing "it."I know plenty of people who aren't, so you're wrong.

Then I must have a lot more respect for myself than they do.

I have a lot of plans for my life, so I'm not going to screw it up by doing something stupid.

You’ve Got the Power to Decide

You’ll probably find that the mixed messages are both true. Sex can be both disappointing and wonderful—depending on when, where, why, how and with whom you do sexual things. It will take some discipline, but the when, where, why, how and with whom are all things you can control. They are all decisions you can make.

Different people have lots of different ideas about sex. Some are healthy for you, some are not. But the awesome thing is that you have the power to make the ultimate decision about what is healthy and right for you. Feels nice to be in charge, doesn’t it?

11

Crush or True Love?

So your body is doing strange things, your parents are impossible to figure out, your girlfriends are unpredictable . . . and then there’s all this boy craziness!! It’s a good thing we’re working on Girl Power, because these teen times can seem crazy, especially when you topple head-over-heels for that cute guy in your social studies class. As if there wasn’t already enough to worry about, now you’re stuck wondering how he really feels about you, or if he’s the ONE, or if you’ll ever feel okay again after having your heart splintered into a million pieces.

One of the most exciting, wonderful, amazing and absolutely overwhelming parts of being a teenage girl is that teenage girls (and boys) fall in love. Or do they? Is it love when you can’t sleep at night because you’re thinking about seeing HIM at the game tomorrow? Is it love when your heart races at the sight of his number popping up on caller ID? Is it love when you want to drive by his house a thousand times a day just to see if he’s home? Is it love that makes you want to be with him, only him and nobody else?

It’s something all right. Something powerful and fun and very real, but (we hate to break it to you) it’s probably not true love.

Did you notice anything about all those things that make you feel “in love”? They are all about excitement. You feel tingly; your heart races; you anticipate seeing him or even knowing where he is. They are great while they last, but feelings of excitement can come and go.

True love is more than just feelings of excitement. Feelings of excitement will definitely be there, but you will also feel at peace around him and want to protect him, to build him up so other people will think he’s as great as you do and to help him make his goals and dreams come true. And since none of us is perfect (are you surprised?!), true love also makes you want to overlook his weaknesses or those little, unimportant things he does that get on your nerves.

Sound like more than you bargained for? Maybe he does have a killer smile and great sense of humor, but does all this stuff about protecting, building up, fulfilling dreams and overlooking totally annoying habits seem a little too deep? That’s the cool thing about being a teenager! You don’t have to commit yourself to a guy in a true-love kind of way yet. You get to practice at it for years before you commit to true love!

Be prepared, because those “in love” feelings of excitement come on fast and strong. So fast and strong that a lot of teens believe they are in love after one or two weeks. Guess what? True love takes a long time, even years, to grow and strengthen. What most teens feel (and it is definitely a BEGINNING for love) is a strong attraction, or lust or a crush. Sometimes it’s a REALLY strong attraction, and it can be confusing.

It’s a Wild Ride!

Having a crush is a great feeling. It’s exciting, and it makes you happy and all tingly inside. But the whole reason it’s called “falling” in love, or being “head over heels” about someone, is because it throws you off balance. Crushes have a way of doing just that, “crushing” all your more sensible emotions and other interests. They can take you on a wild, thrilling and often confusing ride of emotions!

Ever have that feeling of being totally consumed by someone? Like your brain simply cannot think about anything else? You’re taking a history test and all you can think about is, “I wonder if he brought his lunch or is buying it today. Should I hang out in the lunch line and hope to see him, or maybe he’ll be outside at the picnic tables?” You and your girlfriends are planning to see a new movie this weekend, and you’re thinking, “Well, he said that movie sounded good. I wonder if he’s going to see it this weekend, too. Would he go Friday or Saturday night? At 7:00 or 9:00? Maybe I can get someone to call and find out. . . .”

If any of this sounds like you, you’re crushin’ . . . big time!

You can become totally absorbed by your feelings, maybe even obsessed about someone. You might try to arrange your plans so you see him more often. You might feel jealous if your crush spends time with other people. And you’ll definitely feel like you want to please your crush by dressing to impress him, giving him special attention, complimenting him and finding things he is interested in to talk about. Flirting comes naturally when you’re around a crush! And if he notices you, wow! You feel great!

And if your crush becomes your boyfriend, you may want to please him in other ways, too—perhaps sexually. Part of your attraction probably involves strong sexual urges on your part. But there is a big difference between flirting (which may or may not include holding hands, kissing and making out or exploring some of your body’s feelings of attraction) and becoming sexually involved with a crush or a first boyfriend.

What’s the Rush?

Just think, if you become intimate or sexually involved with someone early in a relationship, what do you have to look forward to? In this relationship and in future relationships? Too often, teens think that having sex or being involved sexually will make their relationship grow and deepen their commitment to each other. After years of seeing patients and hearing their stories, we can tell you that this definitely is not the way it works.

If you want to keep your body, emotions and relationship healthy, a deep commitment and long-lasting relationship should come before sexual involvement and sexual intercourse. Most religions teach that marriage should come before sexual intercourse. There are good reasons for those teachings. When you rush into sexual activity too early, the sex becomes the focus or center of the relationship. Sex is the only thing you do together. Sex is the only thing that’s important in the relationship anymore. If it’s too early, you’ll feel unfulfilled, and sex won’t seem like such a great thing. Pay attention to those feelings if you have them. They are telling you that you aren’t ready.

Once you’ve “gone all the way,” the relationship can lose a lot of the mystery and excitement. There can also be a loss of trust and respect (for yourself or your partner). There will also be a lot more stress in the relationship because of the responsibilities that go along with being sexually involved. When sex happens too early, the relationship often ends shortly after sex starts because it didn’t have a strong foundation to begin with.

And that can break your heart. Because no matter what movies, TV or other teens might tell you, sex is special, and it is a very big deal. When you give it away to (or have it taken away by) someone who doesn’t respect it and you . . . well, that just plain hurts.

If this has already happened to you, if you have already had your heart broken by rushing too quickly into sex, you don’t have to keep feeling the hurt over and over again! You can take charge and choose to set limits for physical involvement with your next boyfriend. Your mistake doesn’t make you any less lovable or special. If you learn from your mistake, it will even make you wiser. Then the next time you’ll be thinking about building a strong foundation for true love, not just giving in to the exciting feelings of a crush!

Now, that’s exercising some Girl Power!

Romance Is Not Random!

So how do you start to build that strong foundation for true love?

Just like with a friendship, you have to get to know each other’s likes, dislikes, interests, fears and hobbies. You met each other because you had something in common—like a mutual friend, playing sports, same religion, same neighborhood, same job, same volunteer work—so that’s a great place to start building a relationship. Start out by exploring that one thing you know you have in common. If it’s a relationship that can turn into more than a crush, your question, “What position are you playing this season?” will soon turn into deeper conversations about the disappointment of losing and the elation of winning games, about teamwork and friendships among athletes, and about dreams of careers or colleges.

Once you figure out that you and your crush have things in common, it’s important to get to know more and more about him. You’ll also want to know about his family and family traditions. Most of all, you’ll begin to understand his values. And knowing your crush’s values is important because “true loves” are not just randomly thrown together. It takes two people with shared hopes and dreams and values to become true loves. So if a crush has become a boyfriend, and you’re practicing how to move a boyfriend to the true love column, you have to know his values.

There are a million more things you can learn about your boyfriend. As you get to know these little things about him, you’ll be learning whether this person is someone you can trust and be honest with about your own feelings. Enjoy getting to know your boyfriend—it’s one of the most special parts of being a teenager! You could:• Go with each other to school games, plays, concerts, volunteer activities.

• Swap favorite CDs.

• Learn each other’s favorite things, like music groups, color, sports, books.

• Talk about great jobs to have when you are adults.

• Discuss what you will major in at college or what college you want to go to.

• Describe your dream vacations to each other.

• Go swimming, go hiking, play tennis, jump on the trampoline, shoot hoops, or pull out a pack of cards or a board game.

• Volunteer together in a community organization.

• Watch each other’s favorite movie, even if it’s not one you’d pick for yourself.

• Get to know each other’s parents.

• Hang out with him around his brothers and sisters or best friends.

• Discuss or debate issues (i.e., the pros and cons of the new uniform policy at school or bigger issues like abortion or the death penalty) to challenge your thoughts and beliefs and see where each of you stands.

If you find you’re still hanging out with him and feel comfortable trusting him, then you can start to share more intimate feelings and thoughts.Think of some other things that you think would be fun to do with a boyfriend:

Think of some things you would want to know about him:

Getting Closer to Your Boyfriend (or True Love?)

You may have spent time getting to know your boyfriend, his family, his values, his likes, dislikes, goals and dreams, and now you might be feeling like he’s a candidate for true love. You know lots of intimate things about him (that just means close, private, personal things), and now you might feel like being more physically intimate.

Getting to know a person intimately doesn’t mean you have to have sex with him, but you should be able to talk about it. Physical closeness involves a lot more than sexual intercourse, so you need to be able to talk about everything: kissing, touching and sex. Boyfriends and girlfriends who have a plan and set boundaries for physical contact are more likely to stick to what’s comfortable and not do something in the heat of the moment that they didn’t plan on!

Can We Talk?

So how do you make a plan? You have to talk about it. Learning to communicate is a huge part of respecting each other. We know it’s uncomfortable, embarrassing and all that. But it has to be done to protect yourself and your boyfriend from letting physical things go too far.

If you are finding that talking about sexual things is really difficult, start the conversation by talking about characters you saw on TV or in a movie or maybe about what’s going on between boyfriends and girlfriends at your school. That lets you get your ideas about what’s okay in teen relationships “out in the open.” It will also help you and your boyfriend start talking about what’s okay in your relationship. But if you can’t talk, or he won’t talk, your relationship is definitely not ready to become physical!

“The talk” is tough, but once you have set your boundaries, it can be totally fun! Physical touch is a natural part of developing a relationship, and part of your job as a teen is to practice these relationship things.

Don’t Feel Pressured!

The teen world today is different from when your mom and dad were hanging out in middle school and high school. Sex was rarely even mentioned in most households, and TV was as clean as church.

Sexual images and references are everywhere now—music videos, TV, magazines, billboards, and blue jeans and T-shirt ads. The message today is that sex is just something you do, regardless of your relationship or responsibility or age. The result is that too many kids today feel pressure to go straight to oral sex or sexual intercourse before a relationship even really develops. It leaves a lot of kids confused about being intimate.

Just as there are a million ways to get to know your boyfriend, there are just as many ways to get to know each other physically without “going all the way.” Adults call it petting. “Light” petting is holding hands, hugging and kissing lightly on the lips. You can also enjoy nonsexual stuff like a great back rub, a shoulder massage or a foot rub. (Foot rub? That would really take some strong feelings to rub the feet of some guys we know! Peeeyooo!) “Heavy” petting is deeper kissing, French kissing and touching each other’s genitals or breasts, either through clothing, under the clothes or undressed. Too often, heavy petting leads to sex if you don’t set limits and stick by them.

You and your boyfriend have to be able to tell each other what feels good, what’s appropriate and okay with you, and what you consider going too far. It can be awkward and a tough decision . . . but if you don’t talk about it, you’ll never be clear about your decisions and can easily get carried away “in the heat of the moment,” especially if your guy is pushy.

And pushy guys are all about what feels good for them. They are all about getting what they want, and they’ll keep pushing and pushing you until they get it. If it’s not what YOU want, you need to set clear limits. Speak up fast and loud and tell him to STOP. Otherwise, you’ll end up feeling bad about the experience and losing respect for yourself . . . we won’t even talk about his respect for you, because there isn’t any if he pushes you beyond what you are comfortable with. He is definitely not a true love. He’s not even worthy of being a boyfriend.

So When Does a Boyfriend Become a True Love?

Now there’s a tough one.

There are zillions of poems, songs, descriptions and explanations written about love. People talk about love all the time—and they associate it with things like your school, your country, music or art. There is also love for people like your family, your friends and unknown people in need all over the world. We even say we “love” something like an ice cream flavor, a girlfriend’s shoes or a movie, when we mean that we really, really, really like it.

But what we’re talking about here is capital L, real, live, soul-mate romantic love. This is the kind that leads people to get married and take care of each other for better and worse, for richer or poorer, for life. Rarely is true love something a teenager, even a mature one, actually experiences. But it IS something you work toward during the trial-and-error phase of crushes and first (and second and third . . .) boyfriends.

Here’s our favorite description of it:Love is patient and kind. Love isn’t jealous and doesn’t brag. It isn’t rude or crude. Love is honest and trusting; it seeks the truth and looks out for the best interests of others. Love doesn’t hold grudges, but gives second chances. Love is hopeful and long lasting and totally, incredibly awesome (taken from 1st Corinthians 13 with our own two cents thrown in).

Learning about true love also means that you are preparing yourself for “Mr. Right” before you even meet him. You are determining your values so you will recognize a guy who shares values with you. You are developing your own plan for sexual involvement with crushes, boyfriends, your true love and the one you might marry.

You are also becoming more and more independent, more of your own individual with strong opinions, talents, interests, goals and dreams. True love means he respects your individuality and you respect his. You encourage each other to “be yourself.” You encourage each other to do things with family and friends independent of each other.

True love means making and respecting sexual boundaries and being able to say no to sex when that is what is healthy for you. Besides, true love lasts forever, right? So remember, you have lots of time. Enjoy the long process of growing and learning more about each other as you develop and mature.

Healthy Relationships

Think about true love and boyfriends. Every now and then a boyfriend might turn into a true love, but too many times, crushes or boyfriends turn out to be not so wonderful. Look at the following scenes and decide whether it is a sign of a healthy (on-the-way-to-true-love) or an unhealthy (never-gonna-get-there) relationship. Why do you think that?

HealthyThe Scenario . . .Unhealthy He wants you with him all the time and gets angry if you want to spend time with your friends. You feel comfortable talking to him about what you do and don't feel comfortable with sexually. He makes all the decisions about where the two of you hang out and what you do. You want to introduce him to all of your family. You feel like he doesn't listen to the things you talk about, but he talks about himself all the time. He gets in a fight after school with another guy who was flirting with you. You feel angry when he tells you that he doesn't like holding hands in public. He respects your need for privacy When you are hanging out in a group of friends, he gets a laugh out of "making fun of you" in front of everyone. You tell your girlfriends every move he makes and the secrets he shares with you. He does thoughtful things for you, and is respectful to your parents. You feel like you need to impress him by buying and wearing certain clothes, even though they're not really "you." You can talk to him about your fears or your beliefs or things that matter to you.

Sometimes a guy is fun and cute and great about letting you be yourself, but he’s lacking in other areas, like he may not be so cool around your parents or your friends. Guys are guys, which means they aren’t perfect. So you don’t have to hold yours up to an unreachable standard. But we do think that girls with Girl Power should be able to spot a good guy when they meet one (or as they get to know one), and can pick out a bad one, too.

Red Flags

And there are some bad ones out there. Ever heard of “red flags”? Red flags are big-time warnings, the equivalent of a red card in soccer, meaning “out of the game—now!” In relationships, you have to watch for red flags. Here’s a list of red flags to help clue you in to an unhealthy relationship should you hook up with a bad, or even dangerous, guy. These are things that should be a deal breaker, no excuses allowed . . . out of the dating game—now!

Is he overly jealous? (Remember, love is not jealous, so don’t fool yourself into thinking he just likes you SOOO much if he gets jealous too easily.)

Does he get angry if you even talk to another guy?

Does he make you feel guilty if you do things with your friends or your family instead of him?

Does he use crude or disrespectful language when talking about girls or women in general?

Is he mean to animals?

Does he like to start fights or act like he will?

Does he blame you when he gets angry?

Is he EVER physically rough?

Does he use insulting words toward you or your friends?

Does he embarrass you in public?

Does he push you to do things sexually that you are not ready for?

Does he cheat or steal or use drugs?

Protecting Yourself

Some of this sounds scary. We don’t want to scare you about relationships, but we do want you to know what can be lurking out there. Plus, if you want to figure out what true love is like, it helps to know what it’s not like.

We’re sure you know by now that some guys out there are “real losers,” and we can’t always control or stay away from them. Nobody can protect herself from all bad things, but you can keep yourself out of some risky and dangerous situations. As you gain more and more independence, this list of ways to protect yourself becomes more and more important:• Get out of a relationship that has a red flag.

• Never accept a ride from a guy or man you don’t know very well.

• Never experiment with drugs or alcohol around guys.

• Never agree to go alone to a guy’s apartment, room or house.

• Don’t accept a drink from someone if you don’t know him well or aren’t sure where it came from.

• Never, ever agree to go by yourself to meet someone in person whom you have met on the Internet.

• Do not give away any personal information on the Internet that would allow someone to locate you (name, address, phone number, school, location of after-school activities, etc.).

Enjoy Your Boyfriend

Now that we’ve gotten the “evil boyfriend” information out of the way, let’s get back to the good guys. There are lots of them out there! If you are spending time getting to know guys’ interests, talents and values, it will be easy to pick out the good ones. And the good ones are guys who can be friends and boyfriends!

When you find a good guy, boyfriends can be a blast! We still remember the first time our boyfriends surprised us and held our hands, the first time we slow danced and the first kisses we ever had. These are all occasions and feelings to cherish. We bet you’ll remember them for a lifetime, too, so enjoy your boyfriend no matter what age you are, just make sure you stay in control!

Crushes Crushes can be sort of strange and unexpected, too. Like when you have a crush on an older guy you might not even know, or maybe a teacher or a coach or the drummer from the local high school rock band. Or, of course, celebrities— with all their glitz and glamour and sex appeal—might infatuate you. Girls can even have a kind of “crush” on another girl, too. That doesn’t mean you are gay. A crush is just someone you idealize and want to be around, someone you want to know more about, someone who sometimes makes you do silly things. As you get to know them better (if you do—sometimes you never even meet the person!), a crush may turn into a good friend (guy or girl) or a boyfriend.

The End

Of course the flip side of the fun of boyfriends is the fizzle. As a middle or high schooler, you’ll learn that all good romances (and hopefully the bad ones!) will come to an end; it’s part of this trial-and-error phase of growing up. You will develop new and different interests or realize that there are lots of other “fish in the sea.” And you should! This is the natural course of things for teens. But sorry to say, that doesn’t make it any easier when the breakup happens. The old-school song says it best, “Breaking up IS hard to do. . . .”

How do you handle it when your boyfriend “breaks your heart”? Do you hate him, become spiteful and talk bad about him to all your friends? We hope not. How do you break it to him when you’re the one calling it quits? Get a friend to do your dirty work for you? Just start giving him the cold shoulder while you flirt with other guys? We hope not. If your relationship is based on respect and friendship in the first place (and we hope it is), then a breakup should be done with respect, too. It’s still gonna hurt, but if you do it right—in a way that is gentle and gives as many honest reasons as you can—then your friendship will survive. Even though guys try not to show it, they have feelings and they get broken hearts, too.

Remember, this is still trial-and-error time. You’re going to make some mistakes (and he is too!), so think about what worked and what didn’t, what hurt more than it should have and what you might be able to do differently next time, so that breaking up gets easier. Maybe these tips from experienced heartbreakers will help:• If you’re the one doing the breaking up, and you see it coming, give a few gentle hints to lead up to it.

• Be honest!! Don’t make up excuses or blame him for things that aren’t true just to make it easier for you. It’ll backfire in the end.

• Go easy on him. No need to spread rumors, burn bridges or rub noses in the dirt.

• If he’s the one who calls it off, don’t let your hurt turn into anger. Spite never healed a broken heart.

• Be patient with yourself. You WILL get over it, all in good time. Use it as an opportunity to reconnect with family, girlfriends or guy friends you may have ignored more than usual when you were busy with your boyfriend.

• If he starts going out with one of your good friends, try to be understanding. Keep your friendship and their relationship separate. It’s not about you anymore!

The bottom line is, how you handle a breakup situation says a lot about how you handle relationships in general. Your level of maturity, honesty, trustworthiness and kind-heartedness is an important part of your reputation among guys and girls. Nobody said it’d be easy, but it’s always easier to do it right!!

Choices to Make!

You are not likely to find true love in your teen years, especially your early teen years. But you do get to have some fun practicing at true love. You do get to feel the excitement of crushes, enjoy getting to know guys as friends and love interests, and feel the first urges of sexual desire.

This is a time full of choices you get to make. And making choices that protect your body, your heart and your emotions will increase your power—your Girl Power!

You get to choose how you will get to know a crush better. You get to choose what physical things you will do with a boyfriend. You get to choose the good guys and leave the bad guys behind at the first sign of a “red flag.” Remember that you are “in training” for the day when you will meet your real true love. Learn, remember and enjoy every minute of it!

12

When Is What Okay?

This is an awesome, powerful, exciting time of your life. As a young teen, your body is changing, your feelings are changing, your thoughts are changing, your relationships are changing, guys are changing. You are up for the challenge, aren’t you? Remember those two big tasks you must complete before you become an adult? The first is becoming independent. The second is figuring out “who you are.” In this chapter we will work on figuring out who you are. That means figuring out what you value.

Values are things you consider important. They are principles, ideas and beliefs that help you make decisions. Each person should live her life according to her values. And if you are true to your values, your values will guide your behavior.

It works like this. If you value a clean environment, you don’t pollute. If you value honesty, you tell the truth. If you value your health, you don’t smoke cigarettes. It’s easy to stick to your values when it’s convenient, like when telling the truth doesn’t get you in any trouble, or the trash can is right next to you, or your friends gag every time they smell cigarette smoke.

But values are things that don’t change even if they aren’t easy to follow. So to be true to your values, you’ll have to keep the environment clean even when the trash can is all the way on the other side of the park. You’ll have to tell the truth even when it makes you look bad. You’ll have to turn down cigarettes even when the most gorgeous guy in school flips out a pack and offers you a smoke.

Sticking to your values when it’s hard is called building character. And it’s not easy! How much fun is it to tell the truth when you are the one who will get in trouble? Or lug your trash all the way across the park when everybody else is darting off to the basketball court? Or turn down cigarettes when the cool girls say it looks sophisticated?

It’s difficult. But at the end of the day, you can look yourself in the mirror and say, “You know, that was tough, but I stuck to my values and that feels good!” It’s a choice you make, tough or easy. And it’s a great way to practice your Girl Power!

What Do I Value?

All of this is to say that values are important! They are the foundation of that deep question, “Who am I?” And you are at the perfect age to start answering that question! You don’t have to know for certain what you want to be when you grow up, where you will go to college or who you will marry. But you do have to start thinking about how you want to act and what you think is important. You do have to think about what you value.

Deep stuff, huh? But you really already know a lot about values. Your parents, your grandparents, your other family members and other caregivers have taught you values your entire life. You have also learned from teachers, religious leaders and coaches along the way. Take some time and think about the values you have already learned. Pay attention. Write them down. Keep a list.

Remember, values are ideas and principles plus action. So if your parents value education, they make sure you complete your assignments every day and discuss your subjects with you. If your grandmother values the arts, she takes you to art exhibits, concerts and recitals. If your religious leader values loving your neighbor, she takes you to the soup kitchen to serve people less fortunate than you. Bet you’ve learned more than you thought!

The Friend Factor

You are still learning a lot about values from the adults in your life, but as we said at the beginning of this book, things are changing! Now that you are an adolescent, you are paying more attention to your friends and other teens who may not have the same values you do. Your friends with other values will challenge what you believe in. That’s when it’s most important to understand your own values. If you are not sure what your values are, look to your family and the people who care about you to help you decide. Check out that list you’ve been keeping!

There are some values that should be universal. That means that most everyone in the universe agrees with them. Obviously, there will always be crazy, mixed-up people, like criminals and tyrant leaders who don’t fit in to “our” universe, and that’s why they seem crazy and mixed up, because they don’t follow the values that normal people live by. For example, we can probably say that most people value the Earth, fairness, justice, safety, freedom and relationships with others.

There are other values that depend on the individual and are neither right nor wrong. What’s important is what your values lead you to do. For example, a lot of people value money. This can sometimes cause problems, like if they start to steal to get more money. But valuing money can be good, too. Think about the wealthy person who donates large amounts of money to build houses for homeless people. That’s cool, and nobody would say she was a bad person for valuing money.

Is it bad to value things? Valuing things is called being materialistic. It’s usually used in a negative way, but it’s not so bad if you don’t let it control everything you do, and you have other values that keep it in check.

Let’s say you really value your clothes and makeup. Are you a bad person? Nope. But what if you value clothes and makeup so much that you won’t be friends with someone who doesn’t wear the “right” clothes? Now that’s being shallow. You’d miss out on a lot of great friends if that’s all you based your friendships on. If you value clothes, makeup AND honesty, independence and kindness, then you’re working with a fuller set of values that will make you a happier person and a better friend to others.

These examples show that there are lots of different types of things that we value. We can put them into categories to make it easier to understand. You can value:People and relationships—friends, family members, crushes and boyfriends, pets (sure, pets can be considered people, but if you think about it, it’s probably the way your pet makes you feel and depends on you and even loves you that you value most)Actions—horseback riding, drawing, sports, playing or listening to music

Ideas—honesty, trust, loyalty, humor, fairness, popularity, independence

Things—books, stuffed animals, bicycle, special piece of jewelry, your hair

Think about your values and the values of the people you know.

Do you see similarities in this chart? We bet you do! That’s because most people choose friends based on similar values and beliefs. You might have some differences from your parents, but they have definitely influenced you.

But Why?

Now, remember we told you that you are old enough to start knowing WHY when your parents tell you what they think or want. Let’s think about your own whys. Why do you value the things you listed?

So where are we going with this? As you enter the world of crushes and romance, you need to have a very strong idea about what you value in relationships. Your friends and family have helped you make that list of values. Now it’s time to think ahead about what you would value in your relationship with your true love. Are there certain things and ideas you dream of having in your relationship with your true love?

Some of them will be simple. Let’s look at the categories:People and relationships: Duh, that’s your true love you have to value. Actions: Spending time together in nature, studying together, going to a concert together, riding bikes together, gazing into each other’s eyes. Ideas: Honesty, loyalty, trust, respect.Things: You might value the bracelet he gave you or a note he wrote you.

What else? What other things are really important in a relationship? Think hard . . . how about your body and his body?! That includes your physical and emotional health.

Value Your Body! It’s the Only One You’ve Got!

But wait . . . do YOU value your body? That’s a tough one. We know that a lot of girls DON’T feel good about their bodies. WHY? Is it because magazines have made them feel they don’t look like toothpicky models?

What about you? Do you feel okay about your body? Have kids at school told you your body isn’t good enough? Are you taking care of your body like you should by eating healthy (veggies, water, avoiding fast food and junk food), exercising (sports, walking, getting off the couch and away from the computer), and protecting it from harm (wearing helmets, seat belts, avoiding drugs and alcohol, abstaining from sex or protecting yourself against pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections)?

If you don’t take care of your body, who will? If you don’t take care of it, you lose respect for it. What a shame! Our bodies are amazing things. Think about the five senses (touching, smelling, seeing, tasting, hearing) and the things like music, nature, textures, food and beauty they allow you to experience. Remember all the stuff about growing a baby? Your body is miraculous and helps you DO incredible stuff! Bodies are powerful!

Respect your body, and make sure your boyfriend shares that value. Your boyfriend will never become your true love unless he shares your values. If you have a boyfriend who doesn’t share your values and pushes you to do things that you are not comfortable with, it’s time for the big dump, the breakup, the drop off. You can never truly be close to someone who doesn’t share your most important values.

It’s never easy, but it’s a rule we all need to live by: Choose boyfriends who respect your body! Now that’s a decision that gives us girls power and strength!

Decision Time

Okay. So what happens when you’ve stuck by your rule to choose a boyfriend who shares your values and respects your body? Good job! He’s looking like Mr. Perfect, true-love-wannabe. You feel emotionally intimate because you’ve gotten to know each other. You are definitely having those warm, tingly feelings of sexual desire. It’s thrilling, exciting . . . and overwhelming. Yikes! Where do you go now?

A big part of growing up is figuring out how you will handle situations that involve being close with another person. That means figuring out what you expect of yourself when it comes to having sex and doing things that are sexual. Maybe you haven’t really thought about it yet, but you need to start deciding when it will be okay to do some sexual things.

Why now? Now, because you are smart enough to figure out what is important to you. Now, because you are becoming independent enough to make good decisions. Now, because you are growing up and becoming the type of girl who sticks to her values in lots of different situations—when it’s easy and when it’s hard.

Plan It Now

It’s time for you to start thinking about your future and making some promises to yourself . . . maybe you can even make some promises to your future true love. Isn’t that dreamy? If you decide and promise yourself now, you’ll be more likely to stick with those promises, even in the “heat of a romantic moment.”

Girls who have a plan about when it is okay to have sex are more likely to stick with that decision and not let some smooth-talking guy change their plans. There is a lot of power in having a plan!

So, What’s Your Plan Gonna Be?

You’ll hear lots of different answers, especially to the question of when it is okay to “go all the way” or have sexual intercourse. You’ll hear things like:• When you are married • When you are dating steady • When you are 18 years old • When you have been dating a boy for one year (or maybe six months or even three months) • Whenever you feel like it • When a guy says he loves you

Talk about those mixed messages!

Your plan for physical closeness with a guy will involve a lot more than just sexual intercourse, but let’s start there since it is the most important decision.

WhyWait?

There are plenty of good reasons to wait to have sex: We’re going to sound like parents for a minute (and uh . . . we are parents), but here goes. If you wait until you are an adult in a mature, long-term, committed relationship before you have sex, then:• There is less emotional“baggage,” such as guilt, disappointment and fear.

• You will have a more mature relationship before you have sex.

• You will have better sex with your eventual husband when you don’t have memories of sex with other guys.

• You can accept pregnancy as a consequence and become a parent when you will be excited and prepared for it.

Now we’re going to sound like doctors for a minute (remember, we are doctors, too). More good reasons to delay sexual activity are:• Girls who have sex at a younger age tend to have more sexual partners during their lifetimes.

• You will have less risk for cervical cancer if you have fewer sexual partners. Every new guy you have sex with increases your chance of getting a virus that can cause cervical cancer.

• The younger you are when you have sex, the higher your risk for sexually transmitted infections. Infections can cause infertility, cancer, pain, even death.

• You can’t get pregnant if you don’t have sex. Pregnancy in middle school or high school is not what most girls want or need.

And finally we’re just going to sound like girlfriends (we are female and we do care). More good reasons to delay sexual activity are:• Young guys aren’t typically interested in the relationship as much as they are interested in getting sexual experience or pleasure.

• Many young guys don’t feel the same emotional attachment with sex that girls typically feel. The emotional part seems to come at a later age for guys.

• Teen boys can be great friends, but they are often awkward or self-centered when it comes to sex and making girls enjoy the sexual experience. They make themselves feel good, but they don’t really understand how to help you feel good and enjoy sex.

It’s a Big Deal!

Sex is a big deal. It can be awesome with the right person, but it takes a mature relationship that most girls don’t experience until they are adults, so why waste it?

So what do you do in the meantime? The wait can be fun! Once you have a romantic interest, someone you trust and want to be with, you’ll need to decide how far you will go. If the intimate feelings are there, there are lots of different things you can do to physically enjoy each other or to show affection.

There are some risk-free things that are fun, like holding hands, hugging, giving a back rub or shoulder massage, and playing with each other’s hair. Things like this allow you to spend time comfortably together without feeling pressured to do sexual things.

There are some activities that are more intimate but still not so risky, like kissing. Some teens can kiss for hours without going any further. Before you even think about going further, spend some time perfecting your kissing skills. That can be fun.

The thing is, once you go past the kissing stage, it can be really, really, really hard to stop! Your body is made so that all the touching gets you more and more sexually excited. In fact, when men and women plan to have sex, that’s exactly what they do to get their bodies ready for sexual intercourse. Remember the foreplay stuff?

So if you don’t want to go all the way . . . some types of touching, massaging and kissing each other’s bodies is really confusing. Your brain knows that you have decided not to have sexual intercourse, but you are doing things that make your brain want to tell your body to go for it! See how important it is to decide when you will stop before things get all hot and heavy?!

How Do You Decide?

Setting your sexual boundaries is important, really important. It puts you in control of your body, your emotions and your relationships. It’s one of those choices that can be tough, but if you stick to your boundaries, you can be proud at the end of the day (or night).

The time to decide on your boundaries is:• When you have time to think• When you have a chance to discuss it with trusted adults and friends, if you want to • Before you get in a sexual situation • Maybe even before you have a boyfriend The time to decide on your boundaries is not:• Before you have time to think • When you feel pressured by a boyfriend or your girlfriends • When you are already in a sexual situation (like heavy kissing or touching)

Now, down to the specifics! Look at the following list and spend some time thinking about when you think the activity will be okay for you.When Is It Okay To . . .

• Hold hands?• Go out together in a group?• Hug?• Kiss on the lips?• Go out on a date alone?• French kiss?• Let your boyfriend touch your breasts through your clothes?• Let your boyfriend touch your bare breasts?• Touch your boyfriend’s penis?• Undress in front of each other?• Have oral sex?• Have sexual intercourse?• Have a baby together?

Some of these are easy answers. You can hold hands with your boyfriend any time, risk free! Other answers are tough and will be unique to your values and comfort level.

With most of your boyfriends and even with some guys you think are true loves, you’ll never get to a lot of the things on this list, and that, my friend, is good! Many of these things should be reserved for adult, real, live true loves and some for the person you marry.

What’s Okay When?

You have to ask yourself:• What is healthiest for my body? (Check out the “we’re sounding like doctors” list on.)• What is healthiest for my emotions? (Check out the “we’re sounding like parents and girlfriends” lists on.)• What things will I do with a crush? A boyfriend?• How do I know he’s a crush? A boyfriend?• What will I do with a true love?• How do I know he’s a true love?• Will I save something special for marriage?

Boyfriends and crushes are pretty easy to figure out. They give you that twitterpated (did you ever see Bambi?), butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling, even though you may not know them well (or even know them at all!). True loves can be trickier. You have the same butterfly feelings about a true love, but you also have to know a true love well. You have to share values, time and experiences together.

Believe it or not, you may think you have many “true loves” in the next ten years. You might think one’s a true love, but then you get to know him better and find out things you don’t like. Or maybe you just develop a crush on another guy, and suddenly your former “true love” doesn’t give you the butterflies anymore.

That’s all okay. Just remember that when you decide what sexual things you will do with a true love, if it’s too much, too soon, you’ll just end up embarrassed and feeling disappointed. We don’t know any girl or woman who has ever regretted waiting to have sex. But we see tons who are disappointed and mad at themselves for having sex too soon with someone they thought was a true love but didn’t turn out to be the one. Chances are you will not end up marrying the boyfriend you have at age fourteen, so wait it out. Get to know what you like and don’t like in a relationship, but save the sex for much later.

It’s Too Late for Me

What if you’re reading this thinking, “Oh, great. This doesn’t even apply to me. I’ve already let a guy touch my breasts/touched a guy’s penis/had sexual intercourse. I didn’t have a good plan before, and now I’ve blown it.”

Hey! It’s okay! And we promise you it’s not too late.

We all make mistakes. You are not alone. Most young teens are not satisfied with their first sexual experience. You didn’t have a plan then, but you can make one now! Just because you’ve gone farther than you wanted to doesn’t mean that you have to go that far with every guy you date from now on.

Reset your boundaries. Make a promise to yourself to stick to your plan. Learn from your mistakes and make changes to protect your body and your emotions. This is where that strong character you have developed by choosing values and sticking with them comes in. Once you have crossed a boundary it will be hard to reset. We know that. But we also know that sticking to your promises to yourself is important even when it’s hard. And we know you can do it!

Now This Should Be Interesting . . .

If you really want to have some fun, give the “When Is It Okay?” list to your parents and have them fill it out. There’s an interesting conversation!

Talk with your mom or another trusted adult female about this stuff. See if you can get your dad to talk with you about it. Dads have important opinions, too! Are your answers different from your parents’? Ask your parents not only WHEN but WHY. Make them explain their reasons for their answers. Do they make sense? Believe it or not, parents know more than you think about this stuff.

Parents probably feel awkward talking with you about it, but they’ll have some great advice if you’ll hear them out. You don’t need to know if or when your parents did all this stuff (ewwwww!), but their answers will be based on what they have learned from their own experiences and life in general.

But, What If . . . ?

Everyone makes mistakes sometimes, so we have to talk about the what ifs.

Hopefully, we’ve made the point that for humans, sex is not supposed to be just for reproducing. It’s also not supposed to be something you try just because you’re curious. You know by now that sex is powerful in many ways. It can be a wonderful, intimate experience that two people share. It can also be a very disappointing, embarrassing, and even scary experience if it happens too soon or in the wrong relationship.

The disappointing and scary part can come in many ways. We’re doctors; we hear these stories almost every day! Consider the following real-life examples:• A 14-year-old girl has sex with her guy “friend” because she is just curious to see what it is like. She ends up pregnant.

• A 26-year-old woman can’t enjoy sex with her husband because she had sex as a young teenager in a bad relationship and has bad memories that get in the way of her enjoyment.

• A 15-year-old girl goes on a date with her crush, a very popular soccer player at her school who is 17. He starts kissing her, then talks her into giving him oral sex even though she didn’t really want to. He never calls again but tells all his friends at school what they did.

• A 16-year-old sneaks out of her house to go to a party her parents didn’t want her to go to. She drinks a lot of beer and has sex for the first time ever with a guy she doesn’t really know very well.

• A 14-year-old girl and her boyfriend start kissing and get really sexually excited. They touch each other through their clothes. Then they pull their clothes off and touch each other’s naked bodies. They’ve said they wouldn’t have sex, but in the heat of the moment they both really want to. And they do.

You can see from these true stories why a plan is so important and powerful for girls! Every single girl in these stories either did something she really didn’t want to do or suffered a negative consequence from having sex too early and in the wrong relationship.

And you can also see why you need to work really hard to help yourself stick to your plan. If you want to stick by your promise to yourself to respect your body, you also have to keep yourself out of situations that make it really hard to do that (like drinking alcohol and taking drugs, being alone with a guy you’re not sure you can trust, going “so far” that it’s hard to stop). Those are things you are in control of. Those are decisions you get to make. You have the power and the choice to learn from bad decisions and to make better ones in the future. That’s another way to show your Girl Power!

Some Good News about Guys

We know it kind of sounds like guys want nothing but power over you or to get in your pants, like they have no self-control, like they are only worried about themselves and their sexual desires and not you. Well, there is good news! There are guys out there who put you before themselves. They are the kind of guys who may even want to stop sooner than you do. They are the ones who will stop and make a good decision for you even when you are thinking about going further. They are the ones who will remind you that you both decided to stop at the French kiss, and they will respect that decision and make you stick with it!

Those are the guys to look for. You’ll know them by the way they respect girls and women. They don’t act all nice-mannered to fool the teachers, then harass girls in the hallway. They might be quiet, they might be loud, they might play in a band, they might be good at goofing around, they might be jocks or nerds or drama kings . . . but the good ones know respect—for you and for themselves and others. See one? Get to know him. It takes time to decide whether he is worthy of YOU.

Power in Planning

If there is one single thing we want you to remember from this chapter, it’s that there is power in the plan!

Values and boundaries are super important, so do your best to “stay in bounds!” especially when you have your first (or next!) boyfriend. The closer you get to feeling true love, the harder it will be to stick to your plan. Because now you are talking about a real live guy—a guy you are attracted to and really want to be physically close to. It’s not that theoretical “someday” boyfriend you probably had in mind when you set your boundaries. Enjoy your new sexuality, enjoy being emotionally intimate, kiss, look sexy if you want to, but it doesn’t mean you have to have sex. Once you are ready for sex, you will also understand the importance of having a plan to discuss it with your true love and make sure you protect yourself against pregnancy and infections.

We’ll say it again: Girls who have a plan are less likely to do sexual things they really don’t want to do. Sticking to your plan is easier if your boyfriend respects you. And true loves always respect you. It will be awkward talking to your boyfriend about sexual things and boundaries. But getting the relationship right requires communication, lots of communication. And you can do it!

Just remember, values stay the same no matter what situation you are in. If it was good for you before you met your boyfriend, it’s still good for you today. Promises to yourself are worth keeping even if it’s hard to do. Be strong! You are definitely worth it!

PART FOUR

Growing Real Girl Power

13

Get Your Girl Power On!

By now, we hope that you have seen a glimpse and felt a pulse of power—the power that is within you. It’s an amazing power that will bring you so many good things and protect you from bad things if you learn how to use it. Why do so many teen girls feel powerless over so much of what goes on in their lives? We think it’s because they haven’t discovered the power that they carry within them—real live Girl Power.

So you, whether you have recognized it or not, have amazing power. Not just power related to sex and sexuality, but a bigger power that comes with the ability to make choices that matter. You have the ability to choose how you want to be seen, who you trust, when you are ready for intimacy, and importantly, you have the power to say no to things that aren’t in your best interest.

Now, when we combine the words power and sex, a lot of people get the wrong impression. People talk about using sex for power or using sex to get what you want. That’s not good power. It’s just using something powerful to manipulate others. Your sexuality is something special that should be treasured and respected, not abused. Sexuality just happens to be a very powerful thing that you have, whether you want it or not.

She Figured It Out

Remember that girl we talked about in chapter 2? The one with the Girl Power? The one who says she’s sorry when she hurts a friend’s feelings. The one who cuts her parents some slack even when she thinks they totally don’t get it. The one who understands how her body works and can talk about it without getting too embarrassed. The one who makes a plan for her own sexual involvement and chooses a boyfriend who will respect her decisions. Yep, that one. The one everyone seems to look up to and respect.

She obviously figured out a lot of stuff for herself, a lot of the things we’ve been talking about. Things like:• Using words wisely• Not giving any power away to people who want to embarrass or use her • Listening to people who want what’s good for her—not TV, movies, music, magazines and advertisers that want what’s best for them • Choosing friends who build her up and don’t tear her down—and being a good friend to others as well • Recognizing that she is sexual and can be sexy without “doing it”• Talking, thinking and learning about sexual things before she gets “in the heat of the moment” and does something she regrets • Being brave enough to talk to boyfriends about her sexual boundaries—even when it’s really awkward.• Telling the difference between good boyfriends and bad boyfriends • Saving some sexual things for her true love

Will it always be easy to make decisions and do things that help grow your Girl Power? Absolutely not. Sometimes it will feel great—the easiest decision you’ve ever made! Sometimes it will totally stink! Some people might even tell you you’re stupid, afraid, freaky, weird and totally don’t get it. But when it stinks, you have to remember that you are making decisions that are good for you for life . . . not just for the moment. It’s hard work, but it pays off in the end.

It’s like the girl who gets made fun of for shooting baskets every Saturday morning instead of going to the mall. The shooting isn’t all that much fun, but then on Friday night, she fakes out the defense with two seconds to go and sinks a three-pointer to win the game. They called her boring when she was practicing, but she’s a hero when her practice makes her win the game!

Growing your Girl Power takes practice too. And it lets you be a hero for life—a hero to yourself! Too many girls grow impatient in this work to grow Girl Power. They compromise their values because of it. Not good.

You Are Worth the Best

There is a lot of power that comes for waiting for the best, not just grabbing all the cheap stuff you can get as soon as it comes your way. And get ready, because sex will come your way during your teen years. You have to be ready to handle it. You have to be able to make and stick to a plan for sexual limits and behaviors that are healthy for you.

Patience and self-control pay off in the end; we promise! If you are making good choices and good decisions now (even though they may be difficult, other teens roll their eyes at you or boys may pressure you), you will look back not too far from now and see the power in the choices you made . . . the power in having a plan.

We’re not just making it up. Every day we talk to young girls and women who are healthy and happy because they have stuck to a plan about sex and sexual stuff that feels right for them. They feel powerful and in control. And we also hear too many stories from girls who have made some serious mistakes because they didn’t have a plan at all.

Things “just happened”—then there was a lot of regret and tears, sometimes even pregnancy or infections. Every time girls give away or allow someone else to “take” some of this power, it’s a loss. Their power weakens, and they have to work hard to start to rebuild it. Fortunately, it can be built up again! They have to go back and make some new choices that give them power and control. And they have to stick to those choices and hold on to that power to let it grow.

ClaimYour Girl Power

This whole power thing goes back way farther than women today. Since the beginning of time, civilizations have recognized that people have special opportunities in life to gain power. Periods of transition are times of especially great power! Think about some of the major transitions in a girl’s life:Birth—power to be on this Earth

Puberty—power to reproduce and create new life

Marriage—power to start a relationship that can create a family

Motherhood—power to shape a new life into something powerful

Menopause—power to share wisdom and see life from a very experienced perspective

Let’s look at one of these life transitions to understand this power thing. It’s a little touchy-feely and deep kind of stuff. But it’s true.

Birth . . . yep, pretty powerful. Think of all the amazing potential newborn babies have. Even though they are totally dependent on other caregivers to feed them, get them around and nurture them . . . their potential is limitless. Somewhere, a baby is being born who will be a future president or an inventor or an Olympic champion or the biggest rock star the world has ever seen! On the other hand, babies are being born who will be haters, cheaters and criminals. So just because there is a lot of power in the birth transition . . . it doesn’t always end up being good power. But birth is an opportunity for a new little human being to start collecting power to become anything in the world.

Now, let’s get back to you and the power transition you’re in right now.

You’ve Got Power!

So here you are at one of life’s major transitions. You are making the transition from a child—through puberty and adolescence—into a young adult. Can you feel the power? You should!

A main purpose of puberty is to develop sexually. Sexual power is a mighty thing that a girl possesses. You aren’t supposed to use it for bad things like controlling other people or making them jealous. You are supposed to protect that power and, then as you mature, share it with the one who has helped you protect it and who also respects and values it.

As a teen, you are developing your ability to appreciate your body, to enjoy sexual feelings and to develop meaningful relationships outside of your family. You have the potential to develop great respect for your sexuality and ability to reproduce. Now that’s good power! You also have the potential to mess it up by having unintended pregnancies, by getting infections that can harm your ability to have babies if you want to in the future and by losing respect for how awesome sex can be in the right relationship. That would be bad power, right?

In our culture and in the human experience, sex is powerful. Don’t let anyone talk you into believing that it’s no big deal.

Power Thieves

The more that you hold on to that special power within you, the stronger it can become. Many people will try to take it away from you. Some teenage boys and some adult men are always trying to take that power away from girls and women. They may do that by trying to become sexually involved too soon or by making comments that make you feel uncomfortable about your body or your sexuality. Same for some advertisers, magazines, movies and other girls—they will try to diminish your sexual power, to make it seem unimportant or not worth taking care of.

All we have to say is that THEY ARE WRONG! You have great power as a girl. They want a piece of it because you have an amazing and wonderful Girl Power! If it weren’t a big deal, nobody would want it or care about it.

Protect Your Girl Power

If you haven’t yet, you will eventually begin to recognize the power.

Once you notice how strong it is, you might want to use it to your benefit. Sometimes you want to give it away because:

You know it is strong.

It gets attention.

It seems exciting.

But be careful! If you give it away too soon, it starts to decrease. It becomes less and less and less. But if you hold on to it and protect it and respect it, it will grow and grow and grow. When you do find true love, your true love will also respect that power and help you to protect it. When the time is right to share it, it doesn’t decrease when you release it . . . it grows! That’s when intimacy and sex are great! It feels great physically, it feels great in your heart, and it feels powerful. With the right person, your sexual power and all this other power you’ve been growing is a gift for both of you.

It’s important to keep that power within you until you know you have found true love. Depending on your values, that may mean marriage. Too many girls give it away in middle school or high school when they don’t really know that they have true love. Sex doesn’t make true love. True love lasts, right? What’s the rush? Don’t give it away!

And if you’ve already given some of it away to guys who don’t respect and protect you, you can stop! Just because you’ve made one (or two or three or twenty-five) mistakes, it doesn’t mean you have to keep giving your power away over and over again. If you’ve felt that loss of power before, you know what we mean. Girls who have felt that power loss learn that sex in the wrong relationship isn’t worth the stress, the worry, the emotions and the physical risks. But if you make new choices to protect yourself and your sexual power, you’ll have something special to share when you do have true love. You can build your Girl Power back up!

People who try to take your power away from you aren’t interested in you. They are just interested in stealing something special. The person who values your Girl Power, protects it and helps it grow wants what is best for you. He is interested in you. He knows that your Girl Power is special. And he likes that!

Take control of your body. Learn how it works. Make a plan for your sexual involvement. Protect and grow your Girl Power. Save it for yourself and true love. Be Powerful!

Acknowledgments

Girlology would have never blossomed like it has without some magical connections. We are so grateful for the special people who have been placed in our paths, particularly our energetic and hip editor Amy Hughes who has been wonderfully enthusiastic about Girlology since that first day at Starbucks. We would have never met her without another writer, Marcia Higgins White, who put us in the public eye. The other amazing connection occurred with Jennifer Craig, our legal eagle, Nikki and Abby at Skirt! magazine, and Sally Pascutti and Stephanie Hunt our intuitive wordsmiths. We know how these magical connections really occur, and we are grateful.

We are also indebted to many steadfast cheerleaders. Robin Berlinsky, Gina English, Carolyn Evans, Beth Rucker and Beth Cairns have provided great ideas and energy. We relied heavily on the awesome mom-daughter groups who provided critical review, insight and suggestions. They include Lyn, Rachel and Sarah Neil; Laura, Megan and Jamie Spinella; Susan Simonian and Katie Houle. We also appreciate the patience and support of our colleagues at Charleston Pediatrics and East Cooper Women’s Center.

We’d each like to thank our parents for their unwavering support and tolerance of our “openness.” We love you dearly. Our husbands, also tolerant and unconditionally loving, have been incredibly patient and encouraging. Thanks Michael and Steve for keeping it all together while cheering us on. Our daughters, Emily, Caroline, Ella, Anne Claire and Maehler, have been our inspiration. We hope each of you will grow up to be confident and secure with your power and not be embarrassed that your moms go around talking about puberty and sexuality.

Finally, we are most appreciative of the thousands of mothers who have trusted us to start important conversations with their daughters, and to the daughters who have taught us so much. Keep on talking!

About the Authors

In a casual conversation one day, Dr. Melisa Holmes, an ob-gyn and Dr. Trish Hutchison, a pediatrician, laughed about how often mothers seem to stiffen with fear when the topics of puberty and sexuality come up. “How do I start the conversation?” “What do I say?” “Can I just bring my child to you and let you give her the talk?” These questions are a daily occurrence in both of their offices. Fortunately, moms have come to the right place because Drs. Holmes and Hutchison are both passionate about helping girls feel good about and understand their changing bodies.

In over twenty years of combined experience as popular, overbooked physicians, Dr. Holmes and Hutchison have answered these questions innumerable times. Now they can’t believe how much fun they have providing programs to families to help get these conversations started!

Since 2002, these physicians have developed two programs for mother-daughter pairs, a series of classes for older teens (males and females), and several programs for parents only. All of their classes fill up rapidly and each class generates a new group of waiting participants for the next program. The demand has spread far beyond their hometown of Charleston, South Carolina and beyond what these two practicing physicians can offer.

Dr. Holmes is a native of Atlanta, Georgia, a magna cum laude graduate of the University of Georgia, and a graduate of the Medical College of Georgia. Following her ob-gyn internship and residency at the Medical College of Virginia, Melisa joined the faculty at the Medical University of South Carolina (MUSC) in Charleston where she holds joint appointments in Obstetrics/Gynecology and Pediatrics, and has been named among the Best Doctors in America. During her twelve years of clinical practice, she was director of the MUSC Teen Clinic and founder and director of the Sexual Assault Follow-up Evaluation (SAFE) clinic. As a nationally recognized advocate for adolescent health, she has served on the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology Committee on Adolescent Health Care, and the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. She has written numerous peer-reviewed scientific papers in the medical literature, as well as textbook chapters on a variety of subjects related to adolescent gynecology and care of the sexual assault victim. In the medical community, she is a nationally recognized speaker on topics of adolescent gynecology, teen sexuality, interpersonal violence, and other issues in women’s health. Her daughter Emily has been a special consultant to Girlology, her middle daughter, Caroline, knows her time is coming soon, and her youngest, Ella (still a baby) will keep Dr. Holmes in touch with girls for a long time to come.

Dr. Hutchison is a South Carolina girl. She grew up in Rock Hill, graduated cum laude from the College of Charleston and earned her M.D. at the Medical University of South Carolina. After completing her Pediatrics internship and residency at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Trish came back to Charleston, where she was in private practice for ten years. She currently practices in the Adolescent Medicine Department at MUSC where she directs Girls2Women, a young women’s health center. She, too, has been named among the Best Doctors in America. She developed her interest in adolescents during years of peer counseling and youth mentoring. Today, she continues to enjoy the challenges and rewards of adolescent medicine. In her community, her practice has always been full of adolescent girls and boys. She has an amazing way with teens and at the same time earns their parents unwavering respect and trust. She is recognized as a wonderful resource in her community for health-related issues, particularly related to growth and development, and sexuality and behavioral issues. Trish is actively involved in community service organizations and in her church. She has also participated in mission work delivering health care to children and adolescents, but she mostly likes sticking close to home, where her two girls, Anne Claire and Maehler, keep her busy with little girl versions of Girlology.

Girlology has become a recognized and welcomed program in the Southeast that is ripe for broad distribution. Girlology’s focus on suburban girls and families serves an often neglected population that is over-scheduled, undersupervised and frequently oversexed. Both Dr. Holmes and Dr. Hutchison are known for their rapport with teen girls and their liberal use of slang words for anything pertaining to sex or the human body. Their husbands can only hope that they censor their vocabulary in public, and their mothers keep wishing they would act like proper Southern girls.

For more information on Girlology programs, check out their Web site at www.girlology.com.

Table of Contents

PART ONE: Stuck in the Middle

1 Why Me? Why Now?

2 Friends Who Rock and Friends Who [Need to] Roll!

3 Where Have All the Normal Parents Gone?

PART TWO: Body Talk

4 Not Your Usual Vocabulary List!

5 Everybody’s Got a Body

6 Periods, Period

7 Boy, Oh Boy!

8 S-E-X

PART THREE: There’s More to Sex!

9 Sexuality: Good News, Bad News

10 Mixed Messages

11 Crush or True Love?

12 When IsWhat Okay?

PART FOUR: Growing Real Girl Power

13 Get Your Girl Power On!

Acknowledgments

PART ONE Stuck in the Middle

1Why Me? Why Now?

2Friends Who Rock and Friends Who [Need to] Roll!

PART TWO Body Talk

4Not Your Usual Vocabulary List!

5Everybody’s Got a Body

PART THREE There’s More to Sex!

9Sexuality:Good News, Bad News

10Mixed Messages

11Crush or True Love?

12When Is What Okay?

PART FOURGrowing Real Girl Power