God Hates Us All

15

“WHERE IS YOUR LUGGAGE?” ASKS THE Korean customs official with a cherub’s face.

“No luggage,” I reply, causing the cherub to raise an eye-brow. “I’m only here for the weekend. To see my girlfriend.”

“Ah, girlfriend,” he says, stamping my passport. “She must be good girlfriend for all this travel.”

“She’s the best.” I look up at the clock behind him, which places the local time at three P.M.

The cherub returns my passport and nods at the soldier who stands between me and the exit. “Soldier” isn’t the right word to describe a kid with greasy hair and a soft layer of stubble and who, despite the ominous-looking machine gun hanging from his neck, reminds me of a teddy bear. He smiles and gestures at me with the gun, indicating that it’s okay to pass. South Korea may be the most adorable country on Earth.

Unlike New York, Seoul’s subway runs right into the airport, making it an obvious choice for a budget traveler like yours truly—I only have a few hundred dollars left to my name, and it is going to have to last given the abrupt end to my relationship with Danny Carr. So I’m disappointed to discover, studying the map on the wall, that none of the stops are labeled “the Four Seasons,” K.’s hotel and the only point of reference I’ve bothered to bring along. One more thing to re-member the next time I make a mad dash across the world to evade the police and spend the weekend with a lady.

I exit the terminal to a sunless afternoon that feels ten degrees colder than what I’ve left behind. Rain is inevitable. Luckily, the taxi stand is where I expect it to be, just outside baggage claim, and a black-suited man escorts me into the back of a waiting car. Ahead looms a skyline, white, shiny, and clean, like a miniature Manhattan by way of The Jetsons.

About forty minutes later, we pull into a semicircular driveway in front of the Four Seasons. The driver points to the meter, which has just broken 11,000.

I rub my eyes to make sure I’m reading the meter correctly. I hold up the portrait of Andrew Jackson. “Hothyel,” says the cabbie. I’m saved when a smartly uniformed valet opens my door for me. “Welcome to the Four Seasons,” he says in perfect English. “The concierge will be happy to help you exchange your American currency for our Korean won. I will ask your driver to shut off the meter while he waits. You should know that in Korea it is not customary to tip the driver.”

The doors to the hotel part like curtains, exposing an international casting call for beauty and wealth. As I scan the lobby for the concierge, I find Ray. He’s sitting on a couch, looking completely at home, his attention focused on a dark-haired woman. He doesn’t look up as I cross the room to the front desk.

An agreeably efficient concierge magically transforms $100 American into a princely 70,000 won. I’m on my way back to pay the cabbie when Ray intercepts me by the door.

“There he is!” he yells, capturing me in a bear hug. “Man, do we have to talk!”

I disentangle myself and place a hand on his shoulder. “Good to see you, too. Just let me go settle my tab.”

Outside, the cabbie accepts the exact fare on the meter with the same smile he’s worn the entire trip. I slip a 5,000-note to the helpful valet—the extra zeros have me rolling like Donald Trump. I reenter the hotel, this time with a strut in my step.

Ray is waiting for me, his arm around the dark-haired woman. I decide that thirty-two perfections might have been an understatement, wondering if “skin like mocha ice cream” and “the legs of a Rockette” had been among them. “You must be Devi,” I say, extending my hand. She hands me hers as if she wants me to kiss it, which I do. “First time I’ve ever kissed a goddess.”

Devi flashes a perfect smile and surprises me with an elegant British accent. “In my country, it is considered to be good luck.”

“This is very good news,” I reply. “I hope to get lucky.”

“You Americans are such bad boys,” she says, not disapprovingly. “Ray and I were just about to have a cocktail at the bar. Will you join us?”

“I’d love to, except I’m only here until Monday and I’d really like to see the lady I came here for.”

Devi cocks her head, puzzled. “You’re leaving tomorrow?”

“No, Monday.”

“But today is Sunday.”

“What happened to the international date line?” I ask Ray.

Ray looks at me sheepishly. “Only works on the way home. Turns out you actually lose a day getting here. My bad. Listen, buddy—”

“Wait a minute…. I’ve only got, what, eighteen hours here? Now I really have to find K.”

Ray nods and looks like he’s going to say more, but Devi interrupts him. “K.? She’s in our suite,” she says. The change to her smile is fractional, but transforms its message from benevolence into something more mysterious. I can see why she probably made an effective goddess.

“Suite,” I say, shaking off her spell. “I like the sound of that. What’s the room number?”

“Surely you’re not going to interrupt them.”

“Them? What them?”

“Oh, it was quite magical,” Devi says, now gushing like a teenager. “Her boyfriend surprised her. He lined the hallway with rose petals….”

“Her boyfriend? K. doesn’t have a… Nate is here?”

Ray shrugs. “I’ve been trying to tell you since you walked in.”

“Nate is here. In fucking Korea? Lining the hallway with rose petals?”

“He was outside her room when she arrived,” Devi continues, either divinely indifferent or just oblivious to my mortal suffering. “With his guitar. He has the voice of an angel. And the necklace…”

“There was a necklace?” I turn again to Ray. He looks back at me with a sympathetic cringe, as if he’d just seen me get kicked in the nuts.

“Diamonds,” says Devi.

“Diamonds? As in plural?” My head is starting to spin. I feel like I might vomit.

“From Tiffany’s,” she chirps. “With the blue bag and everything!”

“Where are they now?” One look at Devi, and I can tell I sound as angry as I feel.

“In our suite,” she replies, uncertainty creeping into her voice for the first time.

“The room number?” I ask, sounding even angrier. Devi’s eyes flit nervously toward Ray. Threat assessment.

“You don’t want to do that,” Ray says, presenting a reassuring hand to my shoulder. I slap it away.

“What. Fucking. Room.”

“I’m afraid I’ve said too much already,” says Devi, clearly frightened by the look in my eyes. I focus on the small handbag she’s now clutching to her chest. Pissed off enough to take on a goddess, I grab the purse out of her hands.

Devi shrieks. Ray looks caught between hugging me and socking me in the jaw. I root quickly through the bag, my hand emerging with her room key.

“Room 24021,” I read aloud off the plastic tag. Replacing the key, I hand the bag back to her and storm toward the elevator. Or as close to it as I can, before a sumo wrestler stuffed into a security guard’s uniform holds out an arm to block my way and asks to see my room key.

I pat my jacket as if looking for the key. The sumo has clearly seen this one before. “Guests only,” he says.

“Have it your way.” I walk back to the front desk. “I would like a room,” I tell the clerk.

“So sorry,” she says kindly. “All booked up.”

“Any room.”

“I’m so sorry. Perhaps I can recommend another hotel?”

“Listen,” I say. “I have traveled almost seven thousand miles to see one of your guests.”

“You’re welcome to use the house phone,” she says, her eyes flickering nervously toward the sumo. He begins walking over. I decide to accept the clerk’s invitation to use the house phone.

I dial K.’s room. K’s suite. After seven rings, someone picks up the receiver and—before either of us can say a word—hangs up.

I redial. This time it rings four times before I hear Nate’s voice on the line.

“Whoever this is, fuck off!” he yells. Click.

I dial again. This time nobody picks up. I imagine Nate delighting K. as he rips the cord out of the wall, then jumps into bed to delight her some more. My head feels like it might explode.

“You okay, buddy?” asks Ray.

“What do you think?”

“Yeah, it’s fucked up, I know. But I tried to warn you that night at the Western. Rock stars are like voodoo masters. I mean, look at Billy Joel. He’s married to Christie Brinkley. Christie Brinkley? Are you shitting me?”

“Thanks, Ray. I feel so much better now.”

“You need a drink.”

“Your invitation still good?”

“I would, but Devi… I don’t know if you made such a good impression.” I spy the exgoddess across the room. She stares back at me with dark fury. I quickly turn away. “Besides,” Ray continues. “We were just about to get all funky and shit.”

“Lucky you,” I say, meaning it. I look at the clock on my pager. “I guess I can go feel sorry for myself for another seventeen hours.”

“Dr. Ray has another idea. There’s a place down the street. A youth hostel.”

“A youth hostel?”

“Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it, man. Youth hostels—this is an established fact—are full of horny sluts. Horny sluts on vacation from their better judgment. A good-looking guy like you gets laid with minimal effort, I mean zero rap, as long as you’re cool with unshaved armpits and a lack of privacy.”

My anger is slipping away, making room for sleep deprivation. “I don’t know about the horny sluts, but I’m definitely pro-nap.”

“There he is,” Ray says, sounding relieved. “A little shuteye, then you’ll bang a slut. I recommend Australians. Find one with a friend and bang them both. Go root a couple of sheilas.”

I pat Ray on the shoulder and exit the hotel. The valet appears immediately. “May I call you a taxi?”

I look up at the sky and see threatening clouds and approaching darkness. A perfect match to my mood.

“Thanks, but I’ll walk.”

I set out down a major thoroughfare that feels like New York, only with enviably wider sidewalks. Per Ray’s directions to the youth hostel, I make a right turn at the first light and wind up, a block later, in a neighborhood with a much more suburban feel. A brightly illuminated 7-Eleven-type store anchors a stone-tiled public square surrounded by tenementstyle buildings. The square itself is occupied by a few dozen Korean men, many in business suits, who gather in three distinct circles. Each circle has its own bottle of the local hooch, passed with cheery camaraderie from one smiling man to the next.

Not a female in sight, I notice. That explains the smiles.