Gremlins, Go Home!

2

Rolf gradually drifted back to consciousness.

The hot brilliance of the sun made everything seem red through his closed eyelids. Slowly, the buzz in his head eased off, and in its place he could hear two voices arguing. One voice was very deep-toned and very British in accent. The other was a high-pitched, very Irish tenor.

“…beastly fellows!” the deep voice was snorting.

“Ah, there you go again now,” retorted the Irish-sounding voice. “Don’t you know there’s no one speaks like that, these days? Indeed, it’s exactly like Dr. Watson with Sherlock Holmes, you sound, and out of a hundred years ago.”

“Well you are beastly fellows,” growled the other voice. “Pack of blackguards! Besides, what d’you mean—talk like a hundred years ago? Speak like any well-brought-up individual of good breeding, if I say it myself.”

“That you don’t,” said the Irish voice, teasingly, “as I’ve no doubt you well know. It’s an entirely artificial way of speech you’ve got there, copied out of th’ late movies you’ve been watchin’ on the TV… yikes!”

The deep voice growled again, but this time it was a real growl.

“Now, now—no need to be hasty,” cried the Irish voice, suddenly seeming to come from a position higher up. “Indeed, no offense meant. None whatsoever, Mr. Sheperton.”

Rolf cracked an eyelid open to see what was going on. And immediately wished he hadn’t.

He saw Shep, with bared teeth and curled upper lip, staring up at a small bush. Floating slightly above the bush, in midair, was an impossible little man no more than a foot tall, with large pointed ears and big white eyebrows, like wings. He was dressed in a close-fitting, long-sleeved green jacket and tight green pants that ended in small black boots with pointed, curled toes.

And Shep was talking? “TV? Blasted impertinence! Talk the way I do because I am what I am. What if it’s a bit old-fashioned? No harm in that.”

“None whatsoever, Mr. Sheperton. None at all!” said the little man, still floating above the bush. “It’s a darling way of speaking you have, indeed it is, when all’s said and done. And if they speak the same way in old movies on the TV, now, why sure it must be that they’re trying to catch the proper grand manner of speech belonging to gentlemen such as yourself.”

Shep backed off from the bush. His lip uncurled.

Rolf closed his eyes again. It couldn’t be—what he thought he was seeing and hearing. Shep talking like a human being and a little man in green answering him? He must have hit his head on a rock when he fell off the bike… There, the voices had stopped. No doubt when he opened his eyes again he would see no one but good old Shep whining like an ordinary dog and trying to lick his face.

But—

“Let’s put it out of mind then,” said the Irish voice, quite clearly. “Sure and we’ve much more important matters to discuss, haven’t we now?”

Rolf opened both eyes this time. The little man was floating down to the ground at the foot of the bush. Shep had seated himself on his haunches.

“If you mean the boy,” Shep said gruffly, “there’s nothing for us to discuss. He’s my ward, you know. I’ll not have him associating with blackguards, will-o-the-wisps— or gremlins. And it’s a gremlin that you are, in spite of your green suit and green accent… Speaking of the way I talk, how about you?”

“Now Mr. Sheperton, now,” said the gremlin, or whatever he was, soothingly. “Let’s not dig up old bones to pick…”

“Don’t know why not,” muttered Shep—or Mr. Sheperton, as the gremlin called him. “Many a happy hour I’ve spent digging…”

“I meant only that there’s no need for us to argue further on the matter of speech,” said the gremlin. “It’s the boy we should be talking about. A fine lad—”

“Naturally. Educated him myself,” said Mr. Sheperton.

“And indeed it shows. Indeed it does,” said the gremlin hastily. “But the point is, the lad’s been troubled—there’s no denying that.”

“Life’s not a bed of roses,” gruffed Mr. Sheperton. “Have to take the rough with the smooth.”

“To be sure. But why take the rough at all, if you may go smooth all the way ’round?”

“Builds character, that’s why!” snapped Mr. Sheperton. “See here—whatever you call yourself nowadays—”

“Baneen,” said the gremlin.

“See here, Baneen. These are human matters. You keep your gremlin nose out of them!” Mr. Sheperton went on. “The boy’s had a rough summer. All this interest of his in wild animals made him feel different from his friends to begin with. Then, when he tried to get social again, early this summer, he had the bad luck to crack his leg going off a diving board—showing off, of course, but what’s the harm in that—and had to spend several weeks in a cast. Mother busy with an infant sister. Father all tied up with his work. Left him feeling all on his own, just when he got all involved in this ecology business and wanted to start doing something with his life. Very well. He’ll work his way through his problems one way or another, and I’ll thank you not to interfere.”

“You’ll thank me?” piped Baneen, skipping sideways a few steps before Mr. Sheperton’s nose, dancelike on the curled toes of his boots. “Thank me, will you, now? And if I’m not to interfere, what is it yourself is doing?”

“I’m one of the family,” growled Mr. Sheperton. “All the difference in the world.”

“Ah, indeed? Indeed? And does that give you the right to keep the boy from even considering all the fine help I could be offering?” Rolf’s eyes opened wider at this. “Why, a touch, merely a touch of gremlin magic, and he’ll find the answer to all his problems and dreams at once. All that in return for just a wee bit of help, hardly the liftin’ of his littlest finger…”

Mr. Sheperton growled and got to all four legs. Baneen leaped backwards a half step and then started to rise right off the ground. But they were both frozen in their places by a sudden roaring voice:

“BANEEN! AND WHAT ARE YOU UP TO NOW, ME SLIPPERY LITTLE MAN?” Another gremlin stepped from behind a bush. “What’s going on here?” he demanded “And who are you, dog?”

“Sheperton. Mr. Sheperton,” replied Shep, coldly.

Baneen glided back to the ground and touched down lightly. “Ah there, Lugh, darling,” Baneen said, keeping one eye on Shep. “Sure and all, the grim beast would have killed me five times over if it’d not been for your mighty self coming to my rescue…”

“Rescue is it? That depends on what it is that you’ve been up to,” snapped the second gremlin. “Now answer me quick, or I’ll be putting you under a spell in a damp cellar for five thousand years—and well, you know I can do it! That or anything else I’ve a mind to!”

Lying there watching them, Rolf believed the newcomer wholeheartedly. There was something about this gremlin named Lugh that was extremely convincing, although at the same time it was puzzling. Because in an odd way, Lugh seemed to be many times larger and more threatening than he actually was. Rolf squinted at him, wondering if the fall from his bike hadn’t done something to his head, after all.

Plainly to view, Lugh was another gremlin like Baneen. Well, not exactly like Baneen. Lugh was half again as tall, wide-shouldered and burly. But it wasn’t this alone that made him so impressive—and he was impressive indeed.

Somehow, although Rolf’s eyes insisted that Lugh was no more than a foot and a half tall, some inner sense saw it differently. Lugh somehow gave the impression of being the size of a professional football player, massive, heavy-jawed, hard-fisted and more than a match for anything on two legs or four.

“Did you hear me, little man?” roared Lugh now, waving a fist under Baneen’s nose. “Speak up, or it’s down with you to the toads and mushrooms for five thousand years!”

“Whush now,” said Baneen, with a slight quaver in his voice. “It’s a terrible temper you have, indeed it is. And me only trying to do a bit of good for man, gremlin and beast alike. Ah, the hard misunderstandings that have been the lot of my life! The misunderstandings of those for whom I wished to do the poor best that I could…”

“Talk!” said Lugh fiercely.

“And aren’t I, after doing that very thing, this moment?” Baneen said quickly. “As my tongue was just now saying, here was I in talk with Mr. Sheperton…”

“Mr. Sheperton?” Lugh blinked, then turned to look at the dog. “Oh yes—Sheperton.”

“Mr. Sheperton, if you don’t mind!” Shep growled dangerously.

“Now, now, let’s not be having a misunderstanding,” said Baneen hastily, stepping between the sheepdog and Lugh. “Mr. Sheperton it is, indeed—so named by the family of the lad when they brought him home as a wee pup, nearly six long years ago.”

Rolf blinked. Slowly, out of far back in his mind, swam up a memory of the day when his father had brought the dog into their house. It was true—the first name they had given to the fuzzy, wobbly-legged puppy stumbling over the kitchen floor had been “Mr. Sheperton.” The name had been given because there was something pompous about the plump waddling puppy, even then. Of course, the original name was soon forgotten and shortened to “Shep.”

“—and may I present now,” Baneen was going on, “himself, Lugh of the Long Hand, Prince of all Gremlins on this chill and watery planet of yours, second to none but His Royal Majesty the King of Gremla Itself—long may its bright clouds of dust blow against the sunset.”

Baneen wound up this short speech by blowing his nose sentimentally.

Mr. Sheperton and Lugh grunted ungraciously at each other in acknowledgement of the introduction.

“Prince I am, and don’t you forget it,” said Lugh, shaking his fist once more at Baneen. “If there’s to be any dealings with human beings, I’ll be the one to do them. That’s understood?”

“To be sure, to be sure,” Baneen soothed. “How could you think I’d go and forget such a thing? I was only preparing the matter for your royal attention—it was nothing more than that I had in mind. Why, says I to myself, here’s a boy with troubles that a small touch of gremlin magic can mend, a noble dog to be assisted in his wardship of his—”

“Assisted? Who said I needed assistance?” gruffed Mr. Sheperton.

“No one. No one at all, at all. It was only a figure of speech I was making,” Baneen went on. “And here we are, exiles from the planet of our birth, the beautiful and dry Gremla, longing for a way to get back to its lovely, dusty caves. Why not put it all together, thought I, and with the noble Lugh of the Long Hand—the darling of all Gremla that was—to oversee, sure the end can be nothing but happiness for all concerned.”

“Get to the point, Baneen-og,” rumbled Lugh. “You’re reaching an end to the tether of my patience.”

“There’s no more than a word to be said,” Baneen answered quickly. “Here we are marooned these thousands of years on this watery planet where the best of gremlin magic can lift us no more than a dozen feet into the air. And over there—” Baneen pointed in the direction of LC-39, “—is a fine big rocket about to go all the way to Mars, next door to Gremla so it is, and here is a boy whose father’s work is all with that very rocket—”

A bellow from Lugh stopped him. The large gremlin had glanced at Rolf when he was mentioned by Baneen, and—too late—Rolf had realized that he was lying there propped up on his elbows, his eyes wide open.

“BY THE GREAT CAIRNGORM OF GREMLA ITSELF!” Lugh roared, striding wrathfully toward Rolf and seeming to grow more gigantic with each step. “You’ve sprinkled the lad over with Gremla-dust, Baneen—and that with no permission from anyone, least of all myself! He’s been lying here with his eyes open all this time, seeing and hearing and understanding every word ourselves and the dog have spoken!”