Grunt: The Curious Science of Humans at War

1

I quote the paper “What Can Birds Hear?” The author, Robert Beason, notes that acoustic signals work best when “reinforced with activities that produce death or a painful experience…” He meant for some members of the flock, whereupon the rest would presumably take note. As would animal rights activists, producing a painful experience for public affairs staff.

2

Kelley’s furthest foray outside the box came at a 1994 Wright Laboratory brainstorming session on nonlethal weapons. In the category of “chemicals to spray on enemy positions,” he came up with “strong aphrodisiacs.” Was the idea to develop a compound that would generate feelings of love for the enemy? “No,” Kelley said. “The idea was to ruin their morale because they’re worried their buddy is going to come in their foxhole and make fond advances.” And come in their foxhole.

3

Natick Labs and precursor the Quartermaster Subsistence Research Laboratory have extended shelf lives to near immortality. They currently make a sandwich that keeps for three years. Meat, in particular, has come a long way since the Revolutionary and Civil wars, when beef came fresh off cattle driven alongside the troops. During World War II, the aptly named subsistence lab developed partly hydrogenated, no-melt “war lard” and heavily salted and cured, extra-dry “war hams” that kept for six months without refrigeration and earned the not exactly over-the-moon descriptors “palatable and satisfactory.” I quote there the July–August 1943 Breeder’s Gazette, sister publication of the Poultry Tribune, a newspaper either about or for barnyard fowl.

4

Misspelled as “Uoellette” on the Natick Building Inventory, and “Oullette” on the sign outside the building. Somebody burned for that one.

5

I went on the National Electronic Injury Surveillance System to find you a figure for the number of burns caused each year by pantyhose. Alas, NEISS doesn’t break clothing injuries down by specific garment. I skimmed “thermal burns, daywear” until I ran out of patience, somewhere around the thirty-seven-year-old man who tried to iron his pants while wearing them.

6

Including the skin of children whose parents, like mine, collected the mercury from broken thermometers and put it in a plastic margarine tub for them to play with. The sixties sure were different.

7

Is it possible for an organization to have enough hook-and-loop fastener concerns to merit a whole agenda? When that organization is the US Army, it is. The US Army has enough hook-and-loop fastener concerns to merit an entire Hook and Loop Task Group (a sub-subcommittee of the Combat Clothing Utility Subcommittee).

8

Defense Department facial hair policy is so complex that the Army saw fit to create visual aids for identifying Unauthorized Male Mustaches and Unauthorized Male Sideburns. Grids are overlaid on drawings of faces with labeled letter points, A, B, C, D. No such aid or information is provided for unauthorized female or transgender facial hair, and I encourage all such enlistees to begin growing their Fu Manchus and muttonchops now.

9

The Cold Weather Trigger Finger Mitten Insert, a component of the Extreme Cold Weather Mitten Set. As opposed to the Intermediate Cold Wet Glove or the almost fashionable-sounding Summer Flyer’s Glove.

10

Referred to casually as the “combat diaper” or “blast diaper.” But not “codpiece.” Possibly because codpieces likely had nothing to do with genital protection—or fashion, for that matter, or cod. C. S. Reed, writing in the Occasional Medical History Series of the Internal Medicine Journal, speculates that codpieces were worn to cover syphilitic buboes (swollen, inflamed lymph nodes) and the “bulky woolen wads” used to absorb the “foul and large volumes of mixed pus and blood… discharged from the genital organs.” It’s all speculative, because the fabric codpieces, the pus, and the woolens have all disintegrated in the intervening centuries. We do have Henry VIII’s suit of armor, which features a codpiece like the nose of a Cessna, but historians now say there’s no evidence the king had syphilis. The only thing I can say for sure is that Bubo (in Kuwait City) is an even less appealing name for an eating establishment than Bursa (San Francisco).

11

I emailed Vandue Corp, one of the companies that sell full-body Lycra suits, to see if they were aware of having tapped the cadaver apparel market. The customer care person replied that they were not. Though word had reached them that their product had caught on with bank robbers, as the face is covered but allows the wearer (if living) to see out. Presumably the felon, unlike the Halloween revelers and sports fans who more routinely don Lycra suits, wore some clothing over his. Though I hope not. And I further hope he selected the Sock Monkey pattern.

12

Sleeping subway riders, conversely, look exactly like dead men—a fact born out by the regular appearance of news items about commuters who quietly die and then sit, slumped and unnoticed, through several round-trip circuits of the route. As a passenger quoted in “Corpse Rode the No. 1 Train for Hours” attests, “He just looked like he was asleep.”

13

And, though you didn’t ask for it, here’s one more similarity between bullets and earplugs: Both have been used by physicians to protect their ears from screams. The Army Medical Department Journal states that the real reason soldiers in the pre-anesthesia era were given a bullet to bite was not to help them endure the pain but to quiet their screams. And from a paper called “The History and Development of the E-A-R Foam Earplug” we learn that emergency room docs use foamies “to block the screams of children during difficult procedures.” This was part of a section on “unusual applications,” none of which were especially unusual. I may have had unreasonable expectations for the history of the foam earplug.

14

“It’s almost like he knows you,” said the researcher.

15

In Afghanistan, this means twelve and up, a designation we in the West innocently reserve for toys and board games.

16

According to the Department of Defense Hearing Center of Excellence, 12 to 16 percent of American children ages six to nineteen have noise-induced hearing loss. And not from vacuuming and mowing the lawn. Full volume on an MP3 player is 112 decibels, enough to cause hearing loss after one minute. Have you seen Die Antwoord live? (120–130 decibels.) I’m sorry for your loss.

17

Apparently nothing. In 2008, a team of psychologists asked nineteen snipers who had served in Afghanistan what they’d found most troubling. Ninety to 95 percent reported having little or no trouble with killing an enemy, handling or uncovering human remains, engaging in hand-to-hand combat, being wounded, having a buddy shot nearby, or “seeing dead Canadians.” (It was a Canadian study.)

18

In the same way amputees feel phantom pain in the space where the arm or leg once resided, penile amputees sometimes feel phantom pleasure. This, and phantom erections, were first described by the coiner of the phrase “phantom limb,” Silas Weir Mitchell. What gave Mitchell his particular expertise? He worked with Civil War amputees at the “Stump Hospital” in downtown Philadelphia.

Oh, for the titular economy of yesteryear. The Stump Hospital is gone and in its place we have the likes of the Veterans Affairs Center of Excellence for Limb Loss Prevention and Prosthetic Engineering. Though all is not lost. We still have a Foot & Ankle Center in London, a Breast Clinic in New Delhi, a Kidney Hospital in Tehran, the Face & Mouth Hospital in Calcutta, New York’s Eye and Ear Infirmary, and the Clínica de Vulva in Mexico. The poor penis has no hospital to call its own.

19

An exception is made for Dr. H. W. Bradford, who, for cosmetic purposes, transplanted a rabbit eye into the socket of a sailor who’d suffered a childhood eye injury. “The nature of the man’s calling,” wrote Bradford in the 1885 case study, “made it undesirable to use a glass eye.” I don’t know the precise occupational risks of the seafaring eyeball, but the prevalence of eye patches among pirates suggests they do exist.

Despite some clouding, the operation was deemed a moderate success. Though rabbits have larger pupils, their eyes are otherwise unnervingly similar to our own, as a Google Image search will quickly establish. I can’t recommend this activity, however, as the search results will include a photograph of a plastic-lined box captioned “Rabbit heads: no neck, no skin, with eyes. 100 grams each. Please contact me for price quotation.”

20

Except when he’s a Godfrey, as he is in many of his 1970s movie credits. Godfrey Daniels produced ten titles in the long-forgotten genre “soft core,” paying loving if needless attention to his plots, one of which could be a chapter in a Mary Roach book: “A research facility uses state-of-the-art equipment to test sex dolls.”

21

And the founder of Missing Something, my second-favorite amputee organization name, after Stumps R Us. I attended a Stumps bowling party in the 1990s, which served as my official introduction to the awesomeness of Hosmer Upper Extremity Prosthetics sporting attachments. In addition to the Bowling Attachment, Hosmer makes a Baseball Glove Attachment, and the pole-gripping Ski Hand/Fishing Hand. The Hosmer-equipped bowlers kicked my ass.

22

But not your iPhone. Smart smartphone thieves use the startle reaction to their advantage. They come up behind unsuspecting texters and whap them on the back of the head. The startled victim’s arms bend, launching the phone, which is effectively tossed to the thief.

23

More formally known as the “optional integrated phallus,” available in Caucasian and African American (different colors, same size).

24

Expendable items like Visceral Linings, Replacement Veins, Foreskins (for the Nasco Circumcision Trainer) and Laerdal’s Concentrated Simulated Vomit are known in the industry as “consumables.” In the case of the Simulated Boluses of chewed food that get stuck in the esophagus of the Laerdal Choking Charlie manikin, the term is doubly apt.

25

I suppose that by “seniors” Cartledge means people older than the boys; however, Spartan senior citizens weren’t the courtly walker-pushers of current stereotype. “Tribal elders” would screen babies for military worth; those deemed unfit were hurled into a chasm called “the deposits.” Nothing in antiquity makes much sense. Who gives cheese to a goddess of vegetation?

26

Kuno and his team spent a great deal of time exploring the differences between thermal and emotional sweating, the latter wetting the palms and soles and the former, everything but. One researcher excised a patch of leg skin and grafted it to his palm. Would the patch henceforth, unlike normal leg real estate, sweat when the man was nervous? (Yes.) Would it remain dry in emotionally trying circumstances, such as when colleagues tittered over the sudden and suggestive appearance of hair on one’s palms? (No.) The emotional sweat work conferred a corollary talent for lab-based sadism. The researchers invented and delivered terrible news to their subjects. They tasked them with oral arithmetic problems. They threatened to administer painful shocks, provoking “the uneasiness of expecting pain.” Kuno was the Stanley Milgram of perspiration.

27

The human head sweats like a mother. As the cradle of the brain, it’s served by a lot of blood vessels, and those vessels, unlike the vessels of the body’s other extremities, don’t constrict. Thus head wounds bleed readily and faces flush and sweat. But it’s misleading to say, as one so often hears, that people lose 90 percent of their body heat via their head. “My father-in-law, when he sees me go out in winter with no hat, always tells me that,” says military research physiologist Sam Cheuvront. “I say, ‘If that’s true then I should be able to put on a tassel cap and go outside naked and retain 90 percent of my body heat.’” When in fact, he’d be losing heat through his exposed body parts. Though gaining my affection.

28

Charms used to be part of ground rations, too. They were removed partly because of a persistent belief that they brought bad luck. No one at the Natick Labs Combat Feeding Directorate knows the origins of the unlucky-Charms superstition. I like this guess best, from the gun-enthusiast website AR15.com: “Because the plastic wrapper sticks… and results in you getting drilled in the brainpan because you were picking at a piece of candy and not paying attention.”

29

By the fair play rules of acronyms, this should be TEAT TD. Never mind, though. It’s hard enough for diarrhea researchers to get the respect they deserve without bringing teats on board.

30

Here is my diarrhea research statistic: When you are communicating with a pair of diarrhea researchers named Riddle and Tribble, there is a 94 percent chance you are going to slip up and refer to one or both of them as Dribble.

31

Full name: the Dorie Miller Galley. It is unusual for the military to use a nickname when naming a facility after one of its own. When the man’s full name is Doris, an exception is eagerly made. Doris “Dorie” Miller was a cook who showed commendable bravery during the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, so commendable that his name appears on twenty-three government and civic facilities, eight opting for “Dorie” and fifteen—including the US Postal Service—embracing the full Doris. The US Navy named a frigate after Doris Miller. Since most frigates omit first names, the Doris issue was easily skirted, or pantsed.

32

The dose makes the poison. In small amounts, a mimic of the cholera/ETEC toxin is an effective treatment for constipation (in particular, the constipation that afflicts a third of irritable bowel syndrome sufferers). In 2012, Ironwood Pharmaceuticals released a synthetic version that was promptly forecast by one pharmaceutical market researcher to achieve “blockbuster status,” and what could be more fitting for a constipation drug?

33

I tried, but I cannot tell you who decided how much toilet paper to include in MREs, or how. But I can tell you a lot of other things about the TP, because I found the federal specifications, ASTM D-3905. I can tell you the required tensile strength, wet and dry. I can tell you the colors it’s allowed to come in (white, dull beige, yellow, green), the minimum grammage and basis weight, the percentage of postconsumer fiber, the required speed of water absorption. And maybe that’s our answer right there. Because if your anus is as securely clamped as the anus of whoever is in charge of “toilet tissue used as a component of operations rations,” ASTM D-3905, you probably don’t need much.

34

Other bases require this at 4:30 or 5:00 p.m., when the flag is taken in. When the music begins playing, you stop what you’re doing and face the flag. I was at Natick Labs when this happened. Without explanation, my hosts stopped talking, turned, and solemnly faced a display model of a new containerized latrine standing in the sight lines of the flag. Having heard about the horrors of open-bay toileting, it seemed wholly appropriate for us to direct some respect, however unintended, to the Expeditionary Tricon Latrine System.

35

Tips for hole-living: Double-bag your peanut butter sandwiches in gallon Ziplocs, as the bags serve double-duty as the toilet. Bring cat litter to put in the bags in case diarrhea strikes, which it does reliably enough that the man who told me this, an air strike controller just back from Niger, was confronted by his commander wanting to know why Special Operations Command was requisitioning kitty litter.

36

The clean-shaving rule began with the gas attacks of World War I. Whiskers compromise the airtight seal of a gas mask. (Special Operators are exempt because they may need to blend in with bearded Muslim locals, and because they’re Special.) There were also some hygiene concerns. In 1967, the Department of the Army undertook an investigation entitled “Microbiological Laboratory Hazard of Bearded Men.” To see whether bearded sixties bio-warfare lab workers might be putting their family members at risk via “intimate contact,” the researchers fashioned some human hair beards, contaminated them with deadly pathogens, and attached them to manikin heads. The heads then became intimate with some chicks. “Each of three 6-week-old chickens was held with its head alternately nestled in the beard and stroked across one-third of the beard (one chicken on each side and one on the chin).” When the beards were washed according to lab safety protocol, none of the nine chicks exposed to the highest concentration of the virus became infected. The heads with unwashed beards, however, transmitted deadly disease to the chicks with whom they’d been intimate. The chicks died, and the heads were never really the same after that.

37

Dale Smith, a historian of military medicine at the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences, is dubious. Bollet, he says, drew the conclusion from one man’s story. Certainly no such etiquette prevails among military historians, who take any opportunity to shoot each other down.

38

How did Mexico become the poster child for travelers’ diarrhea? One hypothesis, mine, points a finger at the godfather of diarrhea research, Herbert DuPont. For almost thirty years, DuPont ran studies out of Guadalajara, Mexico. If you plug “Guadalajara” and “diarrhea” into the PubMed database, you get forty-five journal articles and a persuasive argument for changing your holiday destination to Switzerland. (“Enteric pathogens in Mexican sauces in popular restaurants in Guadalajara…”; “Coliform contamination of vegetables obtained from popular restaurants in Guadalajara…”; “Coliform and E. coli contamination of desserts served in public restaurants in Guadalajara…”)

There has been at least one well-intentioned effort to clear Mexico’s name. The author of a paper in California Medicine had read that Mexicans often get travelers’ diarrhea when they visit California. She wondered if perhaps the stress of travel, rather than poor sanitation, was to blame. She interviewed 215 foreign UCLA freshmen and 238 American freshmen about “changes in frequency and consistency of stools.” None of the foreign students appeared to have had travelers’ diarrhea, though it was difficult to tell because many “did not understand the interviewer’s terms.” You can see where “watery stool” or “explosive diarrhea” might be confusing, frightening even, for the non-native speaker.

39

Insect shit.

40

Post-Vietnam-era mortuary practice forbids this, as the pesticides could interfere with the chemical and genetic analyses done as part of an autopsy. Also verboten in morgues: electric fly zappers. They cause the flies to explode, scattering their DNA and the DNA of whatever bodies they’ve been crawling on. Military morgues rely on “air curtains” to keep flies out. The air curtain is a high-tech version of the “fly curtain,” the beaded strands that hang in doorways in Middle Eastern homes, allowing breezes, but not flies, to pass. Who among the thousands of youthful 1970s doofs who hung these in their bedrooms had any clue as to the beads’ provenance as fly control? Not this doof.

41

Tobin Rowland, the man who now holds the job, gave me the WRAIR Insect Kitchen recipe for sandfly larvae food. Mix rabbit feces, alfalfa, and water, and pour into nine large round pans. Soak for two weeks, or until mold covers entire surface, yielding what WRAIR entomology director Dan Szumlas calls a “lemon-meringue feces” appearance. Let dry and grind. Rabbit dung is used because it smells better than cow dung, not because it’s cheap. Rabbit turds are more expensive than rabbits. WRAIR’s supplier, which holds a monopoly by virtue of no one else’s having wanted or thought to compete, charges $35 a gallon.

42

Medicare reimbursement code for maggots: CPT 99070.

43

I am inclined to like a man who creates—for a medical practice that specializes in bowl-shaped, moist red wounds—the acronym SALSA.

44

My favorites, in alphabetical order: ashless paper, boosters and bursters, collapsible motorcycles, Hedy Lamarr, luminous tape, nonrattle paper, paper pipes, pocket incendiaries, punk type cigarette lighters, smatchets, sympathetic fuses, and tree climbers.

45

Including—attention, aging M*A*S*H fans—a Major Frank Burns. I nursed a fleeting hope that a Major Houlihan would appear on a CC list alongside him, but it was not to be.

46

For years, the most-requested scent at eclectic fragrance firm Demeter was newborn baby’s head. So they isolated and synthesized it. (Weird? Not for Demeter. Their line also includes Laundromat, Mildew, Paint, Play-Doh, Dirt, and Pruning Shears.) Baby’s Head did not test well. Outside the context of a baby, it turns out, newborn scalp odor isn’t well liked. The firm added baby powder and citrus notes and changed the name to New Baby. Baby’s Head perhaps making some people uncomfortable, what with Pruning Shears right next door.

47

In highly dilute form, skatole adds a flowery note to perfumes and artificial raspberry and vanilla flavors. This I learned from HMDB, the Human Metabolome Database, which I consult the way normal people consult IMDb.

48

This is not the reason International Flavors and Fragrances developed a proprietary vomit scent. They did so at the request of a company that planned to market it as a diet aid, a stick-up odor dispenser that would discourage you from eating by making your refrigerator stink like vomit. The item was never produced, because in tests, a certain percentage of people, particularly if they were hungry, had a positive response to the smell. They wanted to have it as a snack.

49

As opposed to a “stale-uriney BO smell,” the smell my stepdaughter Phoebe, as a little girl growing up in a big city, called hobo pee. Monell Chemical Senses Center BO expert Chris Mauté surmises that “hobo pee” is the smell of sweat and sebum that has been extensively broken down by bacteria: “the kimchee of body odor.”

50

Two months into it, the Chief of the American Intelligence Command wrote to Harold Coolidge urging him to add piranhas to the list. AIC needed better piranha intelligence. Years ago, nature filmmaker Wolfgang Bayer told me the story of the time he was sent to the Amazon to get footage of bloodthirsty piranhas devouring a capybara. Bayer strung nets across the river to trap a school of piranhas. He captured a capybara and herded it into the river. Nothing. He starved the piranhas. Still nothing. He went home.

51

You may have heard stories about how Julia Child’s first recipe was for shark repellent. Her OSS employment file shows that she indeed worked for the head of the shark repellent project, Harold Coolidge, in the Office of Emergency Rescue Equipment in 1944. However, her title was Senior Clerk, and her name appears nowhere in the OSS shark files. Child herself made no claim to have come up with the recipe for Shark Chaser but said merely that she followed it, mixing the ingredients “in a bathtub.” This seems odd, as none of the other repellent prototypes were produced or tested at OSS headquarters. Leading me to wonder: Did she cook up Shark Chaser, or just a good story?

52

The creator of the two-piece swimsuit, Louis Réard, named it “bikini” because of the explosive reaction he hoped it would generate. The false prefix “bi” has duped many over the years—including the inventors of the monokini, the tankini, the trikini—into wrongly assuming that bikini means “two pieces” in Marshallese. In fact, it means “coconut place”—making the term deliciously if inadvertently appropriate.

53

This one is not so bad, provided you know what you’re doing. Norwegian shipwreck survivor Kaare Karstaad, whom Harold Coolidge interviewed while working on an ocean survival booklet during World War II, knew what he was doing. He’d catch the turtles at night, when their blood was “cold and refreshing.” “Drink it right away,” he counseled, “before coagulation takes place.” Don’t shy away from body cavity fluid! A fifty-pound turtle yields “about 2 cups of ‘consommé’ which… is delicious and not extremely fishy.” Sharks, by the way, were “not particularly vicious.” (Or delicious.)

54

As someone for whom the phrase “top secret” has applied mainly to decoder rings and campy spy movies, I had to remind myself that these are actual security classifications. I found it hard to take seriously the sign on the chain stretched across the navigation room door saying, TOP SECRET—KEEP OUT. They may as well have added NO GIRLS ALLOWED. I saw a printer in the crew lounge labeled SECRET PRINTER. Secret printer!

55

Almost as good as this one, by Andrew Karam, in the cold war–era submarine memoir Rig Ship for Ultra Quiet: “Bug juice didn’t come in flavors, just colors.”

56

In military slang, there’s a friendly epithet for everyone. I, for example, am a “media puke.”

57

By weight, a submarine carries more paperwork than it does people—despite the best efforts of Vice Admiral Joseph Metcalf III. Metcalf, who led the invasion of Grenada, waged an equally headstrong campaign for shipboard computerization—“a paperless ship by 1990,” he told the New York Times in 1987. He calculated that even a smaller surface warship carries 20 tons of technical manuals, logs, forms, and shelving—tonnage that could be used for fuel or ordnance. Metcalf’s battle cry (“We do not shoot paper at the enemy”) attracted some media attention and probably one or two spitballs, but—if the USS Tennessee is any indication—no serious commitment to change.

58

To reduce troops’ load, the Army adds caffeine to gum or mints or foods that soldiers are already carrying, like jerky. Natick public affairs officer David Accetta feeds a Caffeinated Meat Stick to reporters who visit the food lab. To me, it tasted just like you’d expect caffeinated meat to taste. Accetta was taken aback. “Brian Williams loved them.” Or did he?

59

Though not, as correspondence in the Nathaniel Kleitman Papers reveals, without its challenges. To avoid “the danger of rats jumping up,” the researchers’ beds were outfitted with special five-foot-high legs with “tin rat guards.” Alas, there was no rat guard for publicity-seeking tourist attraction managers and noisome reporters. Kleitman had made clear he wanted no press involvement, but about a week into the experiment, Mammoth Cave general manager W. W. Thompson sent a note down with the evening meal saying that reporters had somehow, mysteriously, found out about it and were clamoring for access. Kleitman did not go quietly. He asked to review the copy. He made News of the Day state in writing that they would “in no way ridicule the experiment.” Life magazine got the last laugh: A “printer’s mistake,” the editors claimed in a letter of apology, caused Kleitman’s title (“Dr.”) to be “transposed” with the “Mr.” before the name of his grad student.

60

It’s not just alertness that waxes and wanes. Gut motility also follows a circadian pattern. Healthy humans rarely crap after midnight, unless they’ve just arrived in a distant time zone.

61

Female soldiers, unlike males, receive vouchers to shop for their own underthings. The US military is gearing up to buy uniforms embedded with photovoltaic panels—shirts that can recharge a radio battery—but it is not up to the task of purchasing bras for female soldiers. “I’ve done that sort of shopping with my wife,” said an Army spokesman quoted in Bloomberg Business. “It’s not easy to do.”

62

Usually the victim’s, but occasionally a fragment from a suicide bomber. According to Stone, there has not been a documented case in which a piece of a terrorist’s bone was the cause of death. (Medical examiners do not use the term “organic shrapnel.” That originated in Falling Man author Don DeLillo’s cranium.)