Guilt By Degrees

53

When we got off the elevator, my palms were sweaty. I put my hands in my pockets, forced a long, slow exhale, and kept my eyes fixed straight ahead on Bailey’s back. We got to her desk without a Graden sighting. Making it look casual, Bailey carefully scanned the room.

She whispered, “I don’t think he’s here.”

“Thanks,” I said.

“He’s a lieutenant with a job. It probably eats into his mooning-over-you time.”

“It’s heartwarming the way you go that extra mile to comfort me.”

I pulled a chair over and sat down while Bailey sifted through her in-box. She pulled out a single piece of paper and a manila envelope fastened with a string on the back flap.

“Well, whaddaya know,” she said. “We got the crime-lab report on Simon’s clothes and the photo.”

She quickly scanned the page. “Ha!” she exclaimed as she flicked the paper. “They’ve got a small speck of blood on one of the buttons on Simon’s shirt. Preliminary tests show it doesn’t match his.”

I moved next to her and scanned the report over her shoulder.

“But that doesn’t necessarily mean it came from the stabber,” I said. “Simon was homeless. Who knows where that shirt’s been?”

Looking deflated, Bailey reluctantly agreed. “You’re right. The crime lab won’t even bother to put it through the database. Even if it matched up to someone…”

“It might not mean anything,” I said.

“So it’s a low priority for them,” she replied. “’Course if we get someone in custody who looks good for it-”

“They’ll jump right on it,” I finished. “Perfect. Now all we need is the stabber. Gee, we’re almost there.”

“A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step,” Bailey said.

“Thanks, Lao-tzu. Let’s see the photo.”

She removed two eight-by-ten grayscale photographs and set them on the desk. Together, we pored over the images. The tech had done a nice job of zeroing in on the area of interest. I’d hoped to find an unusual tattoo or some kind of deformity, such as webbed fingers, or a hook. We didn’t get either of those. But we did get something.

“See, that’s what I thought when I saw this view the first time. Look at the watch he’s wearing.” I pointed to the large dial with what seemed like chronographs inside it. “What do you know about men’s watches?”

“Not much,” Bailey admitted. “But I’d say it looks expensive.”

I was no expert, but that seemed right to me.

“This might help ID our stabber in the video if we catch him wearing it. We should get an expert who can testify to the type of watch, how rare it is, yadda, yadda,” I said, thinking out loud.

“I agree,” Bailey said. “Want to keep this, just to have?” She held out one of the photos.

I took it. “You got a spare envelope, so I don’t mess it up?”

Bailey found one in a drawer, and I tucked the picture in. For some reason, looking at the photograph gave me a chill. Reminded me of that creepy sense I’d had that someone was watching me.

“We’d better get going,” Bailey said. “Your buddy Luis has got people to do and places to meet.”

Distracted, I slowly stood and picked up my purse. As we moved toward the elevator, Bailey looked at me. “Stand down, Knight, he’s not here.”

I shook my head. “That’s not it. I’ll tell you in the car.”

When Bailey’d finally navigated us onto the freeway and threaded her way through the tightly woven traffic into the fast lane, I told her about my creepy feeling of being watched.

She frowned. “Without something more concrete, I won’t be able to justify a security detail for you.”

“I’m not asking for one,” I replied. “I’m just sharing.”

“A little out of character for you, isn’t it, Knight?” Bailey smirked. “This ‘sharing’ thing?”

The offhand remark hit home. I stared at the carpet of red lights that spread out before us. My seat belt suddenly felt too tight. I pulled it away from my chest and took a deep breath. I didn’t want to tell her about Romy and the real reason for my breakup with Graden, but I hadn’t anticipated that I’d feel this bad about keeping it all from her.

Soon it’d be Christmas, then New Year’s Eve. A bad time to be dealing with a recent breakup for anyone. For me, that misery landed on top of the agony that always burned tight and furious during the holidays over the loss of Romy, my mother, and my father.

“Bailey…,” I began, and had to stop. My throat was swollen with emotion, and the strangled sound made her turn to look at me with alarm.

“Yeah? What? You okay?”

Suddenly the air around me felt like deep space; I was floating alone and untethered through a dark, endless sky. Desperate to escape the icy purgatory, without having made a conscious decision, I began to talk.

“There’s something I have to tell you. I had an older sister, Romy…”

The clot of humanity that filled the freeway ensured that I had plenty of time to tell the whole story, including the fight with Graden.

I stared straight ahead as I spoke, eyes fixed on the sea of cars ahead, aware in the back of my mind that I’d have hell to pay for keeping this secret after so many years of friendship. Bailey let me talk without interruption.

“Bailey, I’m sorry,” I said when I’d come to the end. Finally I turned to face her. “I know I should’ve-”

What I saw brought me to a full stop. Bailey’s cheeks were wet with tears. I couldn’t remember ever having seen her cry. After a moment, she spoke.

“Telling me this when I’m driving, you’re lucky you didn’t get us killed.” She wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand.

“So that’s why I broke up with Graden.”

“I get it.” Then, proving she knew me all too well, she continued, “And, no, I don’t think you’re nuts. I wouldn’t like the idea of someone tromping around in my past trying to find out shit about me either.”

The relief was almost dizzying. Bailey wasn’t angry. Not only that, she understood. Until this very moment, I hadn’t realized how much it’d cost me to keep this secret from her.

Bailey nodded to herself. “So I get it. But all he did was google you,” she said quietly. “He didn’t do a deep background check.” She paused. “You don’t think you overreacted…just a little?”

I folded my arms around myself and stared out the window. The moon was just a ghostly apparition in a sky still infused with the last stubborn rays of sunlight. Exhausted by the emotional strain of the past half hour, I let myself get mesmerized by the sight for a moment. But when I tried to rationally consider Bailey’s question, I couldn’t come up with an answer. I didn’t know how to measure my reaction objectively.

“Obviously, googling me isn’t the same as running a background check. But you didn’t do it, and neither did Toni…did you?”

“No, I didn’t. And neither did Toni. But we’re not Graden-”

“Exactly my point,” I said emphatically. “That’s the problem. This was about his need for control, not his concern for me.”

“Can’t it be both?” Bailey continued. “Graden’s need to know everything and your…issue with boundaries is a challenge. But it doesn’t have to mean the end. Unless you say it does.”

“Or he says so,” I added.

“He doesn’t,” Bailey replied.

I turned to look at her.

“I didn’t talk to him,” Bailey said. “I didn’t have to. I’ve seen him. That’s enough.”

Bailey never lies, so I believed her when she said she hadn’t spoken to Graden. But whether she was right about him not wanting to break up…that was another matter.

Not that I cared.